0:10

Hi , friends , welcome to Happily , even After

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. I'm Life Coach Jen , a certified

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life coach that specializes in relationships

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. I'm a mom of four awesome kids

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and one amazing senora , a home decorator

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, a remodeler , a shopper , a scrabler

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and a snuggler . I want to help you

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with your relationships , mainly the relationship

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you have with yourself and your family and

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God . Thanks for listening and

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letting me share the tools I have learned that

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can help you live happily even

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after some of life's greatest challenges

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. Hey , friends

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, welcome to today's podcast . Thanks

0:43

so much for tuning in and listening

0:45

to my podcast every Monday . I

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really appreciate your love

0:50

and support . So today

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I was thinking of

0:54

different things that I want to talk about , and I

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want to talk about the power of our thoughts

0:59

, because I don't think

1:01

we understand how

1:04

powerful we can be

1:06

when we think different

1:09

thoughts and also how unempowered

1:12

we can get when we think different

1:14

thoughts . So I just

1:16

am going to discuss some things

1:18

that I've been thinking about

1:21

, and I think many of us think that

1:23

our circumstances are what

1:25

is causing us all our

1:27

pain , but it's really

1:29

our thoughts , and

1:32

so I want you to think

1:34

about that , because especially women

1:36

that have gone through betrayal

1:38

have experienced betrayal

1:40

, people that have experienced betrayal

1:42

or divorce

1:45

or an illness or anything

1:47

hard . I think we want to blame

1:50

and we think that everything

1:52

is about that experience and that

1:54

circumstance and

1:57

that is just a

1:59

neutral experience in our life

2:01

and there are lots

2:04

of thoughts attached to that . And

2:06

I'm not saying that we don't want to think a

2:08

thought that makes us sad

2:10

or angry . That's not it

2:12

at all . Sometimes we definitely

2:14

want to be sad or mad

2:16

about a thought and experience in

2:19

our life , but when

2:21

we can understand how

2:23

our thoughts , we have a lot more control

2:25

over our thoughts than we think we do . Many

2:28

times we think our thoughts are facts

2:30

. So if you are telling

2:32

someone a story like

2:35

this happened , this was horrible

2:38

and can you believe this , and you just say

2:41

a lot of adjectives and you

2:43

really elaborate on the story , a

2:45

lot of times those are just

2:47

thoughts about it and we add a lot

2:49

of drama . Many times

2:51

, especially when we're experiencing something like

2:53

infidelity or divorce

2:55

, we add a lot of drama

2:58

to the situation , which is sometimes

3:00

helpful , but those

3:03

are not facts . Like he is such a jerk

3:05

. We can't take a blood

3:07

test and diagnose someone as

3:09

a jerk . A lot of people

3:11

might agree with us , but there's going to be

3:14

a lot of people that don't agree with us

3:16

and they're going to be like oh my gosh , he's amazing

3:18

. How could you say that about

3:20

him ? So the

3:22

idea of this is the awareness Awareness

3:26

is your best friend and becoming

3:28

aware of what you're thinking . And

3:31

no , we have thousands of thoughts per day , so

3:34

we don't need to analyze every

3:36

single thought . But

3:38

if you have a thought that's creeping in

3:41

often , maybe take a look at it

3:43

and see why

3:45

am I thinking that ? Is that helpful

3:48

? Is it unhelpful ? When

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I think that thought , is it

3:52

causing me pain ? How

3:55

do I feel when I think that thought

3:57

? And many times

3:59

we have what I want to call

4:01

our pretty little thoughts

4:03

. They sound nice , but

4:06

they are causing us a lot

4:08

of pain . And one

4:10

of the thoughts that

4:12

I was thinking that's a pretty little thought that actually

4:15

caused me a lot of pain was

4:17

families are forever , my

4:19

marriage is eternal . All

4:22

those thoughts in my

4:24

life like that's a happy

4:26

thought , right For most people , and

4:29

it was a happy thought for me for years

4:31

and years and years . Like I used to sing

4:33

my kids every night

4:36

. One of the bedtime songs I sang

4:38

to them was families are forever

4:40

. And even

4:42

though some of them , you

4:44

know , don't really attend church anymore

4:46

. I think they have that song memorized

4:49

and grained in their heads . And

4:51

that's a nice thought . Right , families

4:54

are forever . But it came to

4:56

a point in my marriage that that

4:58

thought was very painful for

5:00

me because my family

5:03

was , in my

5:05

mind , not forever anymore . I

5:07

was getting divorced , I was ending my

5:09

marriage , and so that

5:11

caused me a lot of pain . And

5:13

so I think , also being aware

5:16

, when you talk to someone , like you

5:19

know , when someone dies like I just recently

5:21

celebrated my brother's tenure

5:23

anniversary from dying

5:25

right and people are like , oh

5:28

, you'll see him again someday . Or like

5:30

you know , there's lots of things we just say

5:32

and they feel

5:35

like we're just being nice

5:37

. But to say that to someone that has

5:39

just lost their brother even has lost

5:42

their brother 10 years ago or

5:44

their child , that

5:46

can be painful , that's not a very nice thought

5:48

. It sounds nice Like

5:51

it feels like , oh , that's such

5:53

a nice thing to say , but it really

5:55

isn't . So those

5:58

thoughts are worth looking at . When

6:01

you find a thought like , oh

6:03

, I should be a better mom Any

6:06

time , we add should in that we need

6:09

to really look at that thought , just

6:11

be curious and just question that

6:13

and just pay attention to how

6:16

you feel , because sometimes

6:18

our nice , pretty

6:20

little thoughts are actually hurting us or

6:23

they're keeping us stuck . It's

6:25

like we're punching ourselves in the face

6:27

every time we think them . So

6:29

one thing that I like to do is get a piece of paper

6:32

and just write down all

6:34

my thoughts and especially the ones that I'm ruminating

6:37

on that . I'm thinking over and over

6:39

again and I like to call this

6:41

a thought download , and

6:44

so don't write your circumstance , don't

6:46

write the thing

6:49

, just write all your thoughts down and

6:51

probably you're going to get some feelings in there and

6:54

I think it's helpful if you're

6:57

not judging them . You're just writing

6:59

all your thoughts down , like

7:02

if you were doing the exercise like judge

7:04

your neighbor , like all the things that

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you'd write about them . Do it with yourself

7:08

, just write down all your thoughts

7:10

and don't judge them , just

7:12

get them all out and then circle those

7:15

thoughts that either

7:17

have come up several times or

7:19

that look like a

7:21

nice thought and then just start questioning

7:23

them . And I just think

7:25

this exercise is so helpful and I

7:28

have gotten I'm not like

7:30

so good at it , but like I've just become

7:32

so much more aware of my thoughts that

7:34

I can just pick them out in my mind

7:37

without necessarily writing them down . And then

7:39

sometimes I will write them down and be like , oh

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, of course I'm sad

7:44

or of course I'm mad because I was thinking

7:46

this thought , and then

7:48

get curious about the

7:51

thought and do you wanna think that anymore

7:53

? And sometimes , yes , I wanna

7:56

think some of these thoughts until

7:58

I work through them through , I process

8:00

my pain , my feelings

8:03

, and then I might try on

8:05

like I'm trying on jeans

8:07

or a new outfit try

8:10

in a different thought and I kind of play with it and

8:12

I think about it for a while and think could I

8:14

think that thought ? Do I believe

8:16

that thought ? Yet Sometimes it

8:18

takes me a lot longer than others and

8:20

sometimes I can get to that new thought

8:22

really quick . That just alleviates

8:25

the pressure and the

8:27

feeling of the negative

8:29

feeling a little bit more and

8:31

I've just find that so helpful . One

8:34

thing I've noticed that when I know

8:36

like , oh , I have some work to do

8:38

around this thought is if

8:41

I get triggered , like someone says

8:43

something to me and it like triggers

8:45

something inside of me , like , oh , and

8:48

I wanna get defensive or

8:50

I just kind of close

8:52

off , then I know

8:54

. Instead of fighting

8:57

with that person or telling them

8:59

all the reasons that they're wrong to think that

9:01

about me , I just try

9:04

to go inward and get curious and like

9:06

, oh , what about ? That is hurtful

9:08

, because someone could say , well

9:11

, someone could make fun of my cooking . I know

9:14

I bring up my cooking a lot . My boys

9:16

could be like mom , can

9:18

you please make something ? And

9:22

this happened this weekend and I was like

9:24

guys , like I'm just not in the mood , I

9:26

don't really want to , and so we're gonna order pizza

9:28

. Are you guys okay with that ? Perfect , and

9:30

I didn't make that mean anything

9:33

about me being a good

9:35

mom or

9:37

any moral decision

9:40

about that thought . I just was honest

9:43

, I told them and I was totally

9:45

okay with that . Now , years ago , had

9:48

that same scenario happened , I

9:50

probably would have done a tailspin

9:52

on like I suck , I'm

9:54

a bad mom , what's wrong with me

9:56

? Why can't I make dinner

9:59

tonight ? And I would make it this

10:01

huge moral issue . And

10:03

so I feel like I've done a lot of work

10:05

around that and so it doesn't trigger me

10:07

. But maybe

10:10

there's something else that

10:12

someone could say to me

10:14

, and maybe about

10:17

my weight or how

10:20

I looked . I might be like oh

10:22

you know , or if they compared me

10:24

with someone else . I don't know if

10:26

that would bother me so much , but I think

10:28

it for sure used to do that and

10:31

so just pay attention

10:33

when you get triggered by what someone says

10:36

to you and then

10:38

what your thought is , and that

10:40

is where you might have some work to do . We

10:43

all have work to do , so don't think like , oh

10:45

, thought work , I'm gonna figure

10:48

this all out and I'm never gonna have a bad

10:50

thought again . That is not true , nor

10:53

would you want it to be that way , because we're all

10:55

humans , we're living a human

10:57

experience and we're gonna have bad

10:59

days , good days , all

11:02

kinds of days . But just , it's good information

11:04

, especially if you want to

11:06

have awareness and

11:09

empowerment in your

11:11

life , which is what I want to do , because

11:13

I don't want to be the victim of someone

11:16

else's thoughts about me or

11:18

my negative thoughts about

11:20

me . I want to be aware of them and

11:22

try to look

11:24

at them and decide do I want to believe that

11:27

thought anymore ? And

11:29

Going back to like families

11:31

are forever ? Of course , I still

11:34

believe that thought , but

11:36

in my life that's gonna look different

11:38

and I don't even know how that looks . I

11:41

just know , yeah , me

11:43

and my kids . I'm their mom

11:45

forever , their dad

11:47

is their dad forever

11:50

, like they're never gonna have another mom or

11:52

a dad . But our

11:54

family looks a little different and you

11:57

know , I'm not gonna worry about the

11:59

eternities because I'm living my

12:02

life now and so I'm not gonna

12:04

focus and get hung up on that and I think a

12:06

lot of people get hung up on the eternities

12:08

. I'm like , well , live for today

12:10

. Like stop focusing on that part

12:12

, and so for me , that is

12:15

like I don't know how that's gonna look , but it's

12:17

okay because I'm

12:19

just gonna show up every day as

12:21

the best mom I can be and love my

12:23

kids , and so that gives me

12:25

a lot more like the pressure off

12:28

and Takes the drama out

12:30

of my thought . So

12:32

, anyways , so when you get triggered , just know like

12:34

that is something inside of you that still

12:36

needs some healing , it still needs attention

12:39

and it would be helpful

12:41

to Look at it

12:43

. Do a thought , download about it . If

12:46

you have a coach , talk to your

12:48

coach about it . Like that's what I love about

12:50

having a coach . I get coached

12:52

every week . I have my own coach

12:54

because things come up for

12:56

me every week all the time and

12:59

I'll write him down , I'll be like it's

13:01

interesting , I've been thinking this and this

13:03

is how I'm feeling , and , and

13:05

we just talk about it , and sometimes I can get rid

13:07

of the thought Super easy

13:09

. Or I just I'm like , oh yeah

13:11

, I don't know why I went down the

13:13

negative rabbit hole , but

13:16

you're right , I did do that

13:18

and now I'm gonna choose to think something

13:21

different . It is just

13:23

so helpful to have someone else Sitting

13:25

across from you telling you like , oh

13:28

, that's interesting that you

13:30

chose to think that thought . There's

13:32

millions of thoughts out there that we get to choose

13:34

to think , and why are you sticking

13:37

to ? I'm not enough

13:39

, or whatever . So

13:41

I mean , there's a million thoughts

13:43

that I could think about , but so

13:45

just look at yourself and see what thought

13:47

you are thinking . Another

13:49

Thought I think people

13:52

get stuck on is I just want to

13:54

do what's right . That

13:56

sounds nice , right , right

13:59

? I say that all the time

14:01

, but anyways , there isn't

14:03

a right or wrong . I think when we get into

14:05

, everything has a right or wrong

14:07

. You're gonna cause

14:10

problems for yourself , because there

14:13

are lots of ways to do things and get

14:15

curious , especially with your kids

14:17

when they do

14:19

something or say something . Just

14:22

don't automatically go to . Well , that's not right

14:24

or , you know , that's wrong

14:26

. The right or wrong . I think

14:28

we can get in a lot of trouble in

14:31

our thinking when we go

14:33

so black and white . Another

14:36

thing is , I think a lot of women

14:38

who are deciding like , do I want

14:40

to stay married or get divorced

14:43

? And I actually spoke to a woman

14:45

this week that she

14:47

was telling me all the things

14:49

her husband was doing . He was having

14:52

multiple affairs , he

14:54

was Anyways doing

14:56

a lot of stuff like that . He

14:58

was not dedicated to their marriage

15:00

. But then she says , but he's such

15:02

a good dad and a provider

15:04

. So it's almost

15:07

like she wanted to think and of

15:09

course he might have been a good dad and a provider

15:11

, but sometimes

15:14

we wanna pretend like the fair

15:16

part isn't in also our decision

15:18

making and our thoughts

15:20

, and so it's like we can't

15:22

just ignore that part of it

15:25

and go to well , he's a good

15:27

dad and a provider . Yeah , that's a nice

15:29

thought , but we also

15:31

have to remember the other parts

15:33

of the situation . That

15:35

would be a circumstance , right , and

15:38

what do we wanna think about that ? Do

15:40

we wanna just ignore the fact that

15:42

my husband's having an affair ? But

15:45

I just wanna think he's a good dad and provider

15:47

, but he's sex as a husband , right ? I

15:50

wouldn't say , like , cheating on

15:52

your spouse does not equal . I'm an

15:54

amazing husband or wife , and

15:57

so just

15:59

be curious about that . Like , why are you

16:01

so fixated on the thought he's a good

16:03

dad and provider and ignoring

16:05

the rest of it ? And of

16:07

course , it's scary , right , there's

16:10

a lot of fear involved . I know I had

16:12

a lot of fear in the

16:14

thought of getting divorced . I

16:16

was terrified and so it almost

16:18

paralyzed me , and so that

16:21

thought was really hard for

16:23

me to come to grips with it . It took me a long time

16:25

to get there and I'm so grateful

16:27

I did . But that process

16:29

is gonna be different for everyone . So

16:32

I just want to encourage

16:34

you to . If

16:36

you're struggling with a situation , if you

16:38

have a circumstance that you're

16:40

like , nope , if the circumstance

16:43

would change , then I could think differently . Yeah

16:45

, that might be true . It

16:47

may be you could think differently , possibly

16:50

, but why not try to figure

16:52

out what's actually going on

16:55

in the circumstance you're in before switching

16:57

it , because I think our society

16:59

, we are in a I

17:02

don't want to feel this way , so I'm just gonna move , I'm

17:04

going to get

17:06

divorced , I'm going to

17:09

sell my car , because I think

17:11

a new car will make me feel better . I can

17:13

think new thoughts . I'm gonna switch jobs . The

17:16

second we feel uncomfortable or get

17:18

any sort of negative

17:21

emotion . We want to switch our circumstance

17:24

. But really , if you can

17:26

sit in your circumstance

17:28

, think about what you're thinking

17:30

, process any pain

17:32

that you're feeling and

17:35

then decide what do I want to think

17:37

instead ? What do I want to

17:39

do instead ? And it could be I

17:42

want to get divorced . That's the

17:44

conclusion I came up with when

17:46

I decided do I want to stay

17:48

in this marriage and

17:50

have my husband continue having

17:52

affairs ? No , and

17:56

that comes from building self-confidence and

17:58

lots of other things . But today

18:00

I just want you to think about your thoughts

18:02

, and especially those pretty little

18:04

thoughts . They sound

18:06

nice , they sound

18:09

like that's a good thought

18:11

to have , yet it's causing you so

18:13

much pain . Thanks

18:15

so much for listening . I'd love

18:17

to help you in any way that I can

18:20

. I'm always here . Send me an email

18:22

and we will talk soon

18:24

. Have a great day If

18:27

you want to learn how to live happily even after

18:29

, sign up for my email at hello

18:32

. At lifecoachjenn with onencom

18:34

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18:37

at happily even after coach . Let's

18:39

work together to create your happily

18:42

even after .