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Hi friends , welcome to Happily . Even After

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I'm Life Coach Jen , a certified

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life coach that specializes in relationships

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. I'm a mom of four awesome kids

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and one amazing son-in-law , a home decorator

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, a remodeler , a shopper , a scrabbler

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and a snuggler . I want to help you

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with your relationships , mainly the relationship

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you have with yourself , your family and

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God . Thanks for listening and

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letting me share the tools I have learned that

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can help you live happily even

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after some of life's greatest challenges

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. Hey friends

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, welcome to today's podcast

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. I'm so glad you're here . Hey

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friends , welcome to today's podcast . I'm so glad you're here . So one thing I get asked a lot is is

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it okay to look at my husband's phone ? And

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I think women

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who've been betrayed , and probably

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men too , but we

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are like expert detectives

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and I heard a term

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called Sherlocking detectives and I

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heard a term called Sherlocking

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. I'm like , oh , I love that term because , yeah

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, I feel like I'm kind of a professional Sherlock Holmes in my past . I totally embrace that

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. However , I'm going to talk about it , but I just want to give you the pros

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and cons of doing so . I

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think it's really hard in this era

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with our cell phones , to

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be as secret as we want , so in

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one way , it's super easy to be

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hiding an affair

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and in another way , it can

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be challenging , because

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our iPhone is

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hooked to the cloud , which usually

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most people have more than one device

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, and so it could be . Also

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. Your phone can be connected to your home

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computer or an iPad

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, and sometimes you know

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when someone's having an affair , all reason

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goes out the door , and then they forget

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that part of it , and so

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they're sending messages and then their

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wife's at home reading the messages

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. This has happened to me

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and I know many of you

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listening to this , which is

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a whole other problem

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. Right , but do

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I think it's useful ? Because

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in relationships , the

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phone can be such a trigger

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and we need our phone

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right ? Like it's really probably

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unrealistic to tell your spouse

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that's been having an affair , that he can't

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have a phone , but that's

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how they've been communicating , right ? They've been text

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messaging , they've been

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sending emails or taking

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pictures , or whatever they've been doing is

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probably , maybe has started

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on the phone , but for sure , that's how they're communicating

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. They're talking on the phone . But

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I just want you to consider is

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looking at their phone

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really going to bring you peace

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? Sometimes

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yes , and then sometimes no

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. So , however

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, you have found out about the

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affair , whether it's because

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you discovered a cell phone

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or you know a message or whatever . However

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, you discovered it . Obviously , if

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you're choosing to repair your marriage , you're

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going to have to create some boundaries

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, some rules about the phone . And

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I hear a lot of women

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. They're like well , my husband won't let me look at the phone

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. He says that's an invasion of privacy

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. Well , yes

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, but no , if an affair

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has happened , absolutely

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you need to be

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able to look at his phone . But I also want to remind

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you too , they can delete text

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messages , they can

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have a burner phone

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. There's lots of work around . So

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if your husband really wants to have an affair

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, he is going to do it regardless

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of whether you're looking at his phone . But

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if you're in a marriage , that really

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full disclosure , they're really

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trying to work on it , maybe

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sitting down every night or whatever . And you know , glancing at his phone could be helpful

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in building your trust . But

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don't sneak it , don't sneak the phone

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. I have done that , I'm going to say

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, and then I feel bad and

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then , if you know , my

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former spouse found out , then he blames

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it on me , like I'm the problem

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. Now I'm like , okay , I'm looking to see

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if you've been texting this

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woman , and then now it becomes

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my problem and my fault and it gets really

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yucky and you

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know a problem . But

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I get like we become

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super good at figuring

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out like if you especially if they have social

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media like right , like finding

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the pictures . And I always find all

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those reels funny because

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I'm like , oh my gosh , I think the

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FBI needs to hire a bunch of women

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who've been betrayed . Like

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we'll be experts , right , like we could totally

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find anything that they need

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us to find . So

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one thing that I did read

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I saw this reel yesterday

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that the FBI , the government , is

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actually looking for

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internet sleuths . And

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they were . It was like you could earn over $100,000

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by doing this . But it

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is a way people are

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using their phones to have an affair , but

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other countries they kind

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of pay attention to like oh , the Pentagon

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ordered , has been ordering pizza

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for the entire Pentagon for you

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know X amount of days . That's

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how they're discovering like something's

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going on and

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America , I guess , is hiring

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people to look in other

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countries to see like , okay , what

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is different ? What is different about

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the patterns , the things

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about pizza , like here we have like

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this top secret Pentagon . I bet no one

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could even like get into . Yet

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they're discovering something's going

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on by the amount of pizzas being ordered

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. I don't know if that

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was true or when that was , but it

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just was the example that

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this reel said or

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when that was , but it just was the example that this reel said . But I thought

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that was so fascinating that obviously you can find a lot of

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information . A lot of women are like

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how do I know my husband's even having

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an affair by paying

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attention to things that the Pentagon

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is doing ? Right , like you

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know , if their habits are changing , if they're

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super guarded with their phone

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, anything is out

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of ordinary . You're going to start

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paying attention to those things

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and it could be a clue . They

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were looking at it as like some

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conflict going to happen in

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the world . Women , we

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can look at it as like okay , what's going on

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with my spouse ? What

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feels different about that ? So

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do you want to become a

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sleuth ? Probably

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not , like you're going to drive yourself

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crazy . So what I want

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to challenge you to do is

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trust your gut , and

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sometimes people call

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like a hunch , an

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instinct , a deeper knowing

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, lots of different things for

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your gut , the spirit , whatever

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you want to label that , as

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you know , we know our nervous system

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is our alarm for our body , and

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so , paying attention , how

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does it feel ? Does something feel

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off ? Because I must say , when

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I was married my husband I

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don't even know if he ever looked at my phone , because

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I never gave him any reason to

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look at my phone , right Like I

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was never having an affair

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. Yet his phone was always

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an issue because that's

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how he communicated with these other women

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, and so I was very triggered

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by the phone . So , but pay attention

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to your gut and

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try to decide like okay

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, is something off ? You

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know , and sometimes we don't want to know

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and so we just ignore it how

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you can tell between your

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gut or fear . I

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think this is so powerful because a

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lot of times in the

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past , like I'm sure I'm

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going to experience this if I ever get in another

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relationship , because I'm

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going to have my past experience

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bringing it into the future with

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a different person , but I might

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still have some of these alarms that I have to

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decide Is it just because I'm afraid

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he's having an affair

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or going to have an affair , or is it really

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happening ? So , really , paying

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attention , when you have fear in

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your body , it

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just feels different . So if you

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can get good at what does fear feel

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like in your body ? You

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might feel tense , panicky

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, like a desperate energy

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. Fear kind of feels

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more forceful If

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you legitimately have

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something to be afraid of , like you're getting

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attacked . It feels like

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there's a threat , attacked , it feels like there's a threat . But

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if it's just like a fear of

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something happening just pay

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attention to what that is You're going to have a lot

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more like self-critical thoughts

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, urges

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to hide , which is shame , compromise yourself , like

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not be in alignment with yourself . So that's kind

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of what fear is going to do . But

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if it is your intuition

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, it

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is going to feel more like . It's just going to feel different in your body , almost like more I don't

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want to say peaceful , but it

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is going to feel a little bit more peaceful . So

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if you've ever been told a lie

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and then you found out the truth , even

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though the truth was really horrible

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to hear , like yes , I'm having

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an affair , it is strange

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, but it almost you feel peace

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because you're like it's

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like a relief , because

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you know , like you know your

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body was telling you something . And

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then when you hear the truth , it

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matches and so you do

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feel some sort of relief and

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it makes your body relax

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, not tense up . So if you're

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in fear , you're going to feel more tense , but

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when you have that , your gut

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feeling and your gut feeling will

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cause you to relax when you find out

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the truth . So

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that's a good way

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, I think , to pay attention

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because obviously we

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base , sometimes we have these

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feelings come back because of our past

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and then we project them

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on into our future or

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present what's going on . And

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so really getting good at

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understanding your body , how you're feeling

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, what your gut feels like , what

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happens when you have an

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intuition , feeling and

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remembering those moments , I think it's

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good to write them down or just remember

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them , as opposed to if it's

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a fear response , there's

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an acronym , it's

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called HABIT . So

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if you're trying

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to repair your marriage or just trying

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to get out of becoming

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a , you know , fbi

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agent with your husband because

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you don't want to do that right

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, it's going to cause you lots more anxiety

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than it's probably worth , because really

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we have to build honesty , honesty with

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him , him being honest

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and you being honest . We

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don't want to become sneaky

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because they're being sneaky and then

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we become sneaky with their phone . It's just

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, it's not going to vibe with how

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you're trying to be and so

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honesty in your , how

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you're speaking , how you're acting , creating

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honesty in your relationship . Accept

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your reality . This

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is hard . I've talked a lot about acceptance

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acceptance of what is right

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, because we're not going to change it , right

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. We see the text message of

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this other woman on the phone . We have to accept

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. That Doesn't mean we have to agree with it

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and we're not happy about it , but just accept

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our reality and that's going to help

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us move through this pain . Bond

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, but really bonding with

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you . You

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can bond with our spouse if we want

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, but really bonding with

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confidence and knowing

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what you want and what your

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body is telling you , paying

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attention to that . If

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you're going to stay with your spouse , creating

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intimacy is important with

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this and

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you don't have to rush to have sex with

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them , but just creating intimate

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, more vulnerable moments

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with each other to build that

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, because that's going to take some time right . And

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then the T is trustworthy

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, and that goes a lot

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with honesty , but being trustworthy with

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yourself as

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well as watching to see if

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they're trustworthy , making sure their actions

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match their words . I say that all the time

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, but many people having

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an affair will say one thing to you

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and their actions do the exact

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opposite . If that is happening , listen

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and watch their actions . Their actions

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are what is true , right

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, that is really what they're

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doing . So if they're still having

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the affair but they've told you , oh

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no , we've ended it , pay

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attention . They're not being

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trustworthy , right , but you can be trustworthy

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in your response

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in to yourself is the most

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important thing . So , if

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you find yourself on this

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thing , should I look at his phone , should I

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not ? It is going to take some time because

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it's almost becomes an addiction , right

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, and we feel like that is a security

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blanket , but it's a false security because

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there are many workarounds of

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the phone or

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whatever else you're doing , and

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so you're going to drive yourself crazy and

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really disconnect . If you are

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trying to repair your marriage , it's

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going to be unhelpful . So

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try some of these other tools and

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paying attention to your

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gut and try

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to create the habits , those

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honesty , acceptance

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, bonding , intimacy and trustworthy

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. Try to create that so

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you can either repair your marriage

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or move on from it . I

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hope this was helpful today . Thanks so much for

15:03

listening . I'd love for you to

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like and review my podcast and

15:07

share it with those that you know

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that are struggling in their marriage or

15:11

with experiencing an

15:13

affair . Thanks so much . Have

15:15

a great day . If you want

15:17

to learn how to live happily even after , sign

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up for my email at hello at

15:22

lifecoach Jen , with one ncom

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. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook

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at happily even after coach . Let's

15:29

work together to create your happily

15:32

even after .