0:10

Hi friends , welcome to Happily . Even After

0:12

I'm Life Coach Jen , a certified

0:14

life coach that specializes in relationships

0:16

. I'm a mom of four awesome kids

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and one amazing senna . A home decorator

0:21

, a remodeler , a shopper , a scrabler

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and a snuggler . I want to help you

0:26

with your relationships , mainly the relationship

0:28

you have with yourself and your family and

0:30

God . Thanks for listening and

0:32

letting me share the tools I have learned that

0:34

can help you live happily even

0:37

after some of life's greatest challenges

0:39

. Hey , friends

0:41

, welcome to today's podcast . So

0:44

this is something I've been thinking

0:46

a lot about and hopefully you'll

0:48

find it of value as well . I

0:51

saw Instagram post from a guy

0:53

named Adam Grant . He's a great

0:55

person to follow , but he

0:57

was talking about this concept and

0:59

he said beliefs are what

1:01

you think is true . You're

1:04

going to have to like I might say this a few

1:06

times . So beliefs are what you think

1:08

is true . Values

1:11

are what you think is important . This

1:14

is important because if you base

1:17

your identity on your beliefs

1:19

, your sense of self and

1:21

your ego , then what you

1:23

think is true and

1:25

you have to admit you are wrong

1:28

it becomes a

1:30

major threat to your identity . So

1:33

when a belief starts

1:35

not being true to you anymore

1:37

and that you are wrong

1:39

about that , it really can

1:42

create a crisis , and I'll give you some examples

1:44

in a second . But when you base

1:46

your identity on your values and

1:48

you like , say you value curiosity

1:51

or any other thing that you

1:53

value , when you change your mind

1:55

about that value , it

1:57

becomes a moment of growth

1:59

that is more important

2:02

than if you got it right

2:04

or wrong . Like it's not

2:06

about who you are , it's just about

2:08

what is so hopefully

2:11

that made sense . So sometimes our beliefs

2:13

, when we question our beliefs

2:16

so example of

2:18

a belief that I had was

2:21

that my marriage was going

2:23

to be forever . When

2:26

I started questioning that

2:29

, it really

2:31

rocked my world . Like I really was

2:33

not open to the thought . I

2:35

let a lot of things in my marriage

2:38

that maybe if I

2:40

had focused more on my values , I

2:43

wouldn't have . I don't know , because

2:45

we can't go in the past , but I'm just

2:47

trying to think about this and I want you to

2:49

think about , like , what things do

2:52

you believe ? And

2:54

I think it's important to question them

2:56

, because we have been taught

2:58

by our parents

3:01

, by our culture , by our society , by

3:03

our religion , a lot of beliefs

3:05

and sometimes we

3:07

just go through life believing them without questioning

3:10

them Now . Do

3:12

I still believe that marriage can

3:14

be forever ? Yes

3:17

, and I wish mine was , but

3:19

mine wasn't , and that

3:21

said nothing about the type

3:23

of person I was . So

3:25

that wasn't on me , it was

3:27

just my marriage

3:30

didn't work out . But

3:32

when I internalized it , I

3:34

mean low self-esteem

3:37

, I'm not good

3:39

enough . All the things start creeping

3:41

in , and so I think it's important

3:43

. Another one is divorce isn't

3:45

an option . When you're married , you believe

3:47

divorce is wrong and

3:50

this is an okay

3:52

thing to believe , except for when

3:54

your spouse is having an affair

3:57

or a gambling addiction

3:59

or you know many pornography

4:02

or so many other things

4:04

and you're like wait , I

4:06

believe this , and then it affects

4:09

your identity . So pay

4:11

attention to what you believe and sometimes

4:14

realize like they might come

4:16

into question , and you still want to believe that

4:18

. Do I believe divorce is

4:21

wrong anymore ? Absolutely not . Thank

4:24

goodness we can get divorced , I mean back in

4:26

the day , and in some countries divorce

4:28

is illegal , and so I'm

4:30

so grateful that that

4:33

is an option , because we didn't know I

4:35

didn't know at 25 when I married

4:37

my husband , what was going

4:39

to happen in my marriage and to

4:42

live in that if

4:44

I still lived in , that . I lived in it for 26

4:46

years . If I still was living in that , I

4:49

just don't even know

4:51

Like I would be a shell of a person

4:53

. I am so grateful I can

4:55

be out of that . Sometimes

4:58

you believe good things , like I believe in myself

5:00

. I believe I can do it . So some of those

5:02

beliefs you might want to keep , I'm

5:05

destined to fail . You've heard of people

5:07

like oh , I just fail at everything . Okay

5:10

, is that true ? Like

5:12

when you have a belief like that

5:14

, question that belief

5:16

because , first

5:18

of all , you don't fail at everything

5:20

. Find things

5:23

that you have succeeded in or that

5:25

you've been good at . But sometimes

5:27

our brain our brain for

5:29

sure likes to pick out the negative

5:31

in most people , and

5:33

so if you find

5:36

that you're believing a thought

5:38

and also our beliefs

5:40

are our thoughts , they're not our circumstances

5:43

, you can't give someone

5:45

a blood test or go to court and say

5:48

this person fails all

5:50

the time and the judge will be like what

5:52

are you talking about ? But

5:54

in your thought you

5:56

could believe that thought . So I want you to just

5:58

question some of your beliefs

6:01

and decide do I want to believe that still

6:03

and it could be yes or

6:05

are there times if you're thinking

6:08

or believing the thought I'm

6:10

destined to fail Like can

6:12

you find a few moments where you were

6:14

actually successful ? So it's just

6:16

a little trick to play with

6:18

your brain and in

6:21

your thoughts to have you start maybe

6:23

believing something different , like I . Sometimes

6:25

have failed in my life , but actually

6:28

I succeeded a lot

6:30

too . A lot of people

6:32

especially if they've been in an abusive situation

6:35

or their spouses have had an affair

6:37

they believe I am

6:39

unlovable . Okay

6:41

, I want you to question if you believe this

6:44

I am unlovable . I want you to know

6:46

it is not true , because let's think

6:48

of all the people that do love you . The

6:51

problem is , you're only thinking about the one person

6:53

that you feel unloved by

6:55

, which is probably your spouse . Maybe

6:58

that's true , but do you want that

7:01

person to really love you if

7:04

they're cheating on you , lying to

7:06

you , disrespecting you ? Probably

7:08

not . So let's decide . Okay

7:10

, I might be unlovable to

7:13

one or two people in the world

7:15

, but look at all these

7:17

other people that love me . So

7:20

it's just a way to pinpoint

7:24

something that you feel

7:26

like is ingrained belief

7:28

in yourself and

7:30

question it . Everyone

7:33

has the capacity to change . Now

7:36

, this thought is a tricky one , because

7:38

I believe people can

7:40

change . It is why I stayed

7:42

married for so long , because I believed

7:45

surely this time

7:47

my husband is going to change

7:49

, he will see

7:52

his wrongdoings and

7:54

his wayward ways and

7:56

look at our children and our

7:58

family and all the things that we have

8:01

, what he would be sacrificing

8:03

and giving up if

8:06

he chooses to go , leave

8:09

our family and go a different

8:11

path . Well , that

8:13

was unhelpful for me , right ? Because

8:16

I was putting what I thought

8:19

, what I believed , onto

8:22

him and then being

8:24

really sad about that . And

8:27

, honestly , that was his choice , right

8:29

? And so sometimes a

8:31

so-called positive belief

8:34

can keep us stuck

8:36

doing something that really

8:38

it might be okay , like

8:40

some people are just going to choose

8:42

not to change and that's okay . It's not

8:45

our problem , right ? The only person we have

8:47

control over is ourselves . And

8:49

so , really looking

8:52

at your beliefs and seeing what

8:54

beliefs you like , what

8:57

beliefs are serving you and are

8:59

helpful in your life , and which ones are

9:01

not , and now

9:03

this is a deep dive , right . So

9:06

? But if you just find a belief

9:08

like I'm not good enough , like

9:10

that's not true either . We

9:12

all aren't good at certain

9:14

things and we all have things that we are

9:17

good at , so focus on

9:19

really questioning

9:21

that , especially if you're feeling stuck

9:23

in your life or in your marriage or your

9:26

relationships . So

9:28

it's just a good thing to question your

9:30

beliefs . Religion , I think , is a huge

9:32

one that people tend

9:34

to question . People call it a crisis . I

9:37

don't think it's a crisis . It's just something

9:40

that they just believed

9:42

on the face of

9:44

what they were told . And now they're just like looking

9:47

into it a little more and deciding

9:49

, like , do I want to believe that ? Do I like

9:51

believing that ? What does

9:53

that mean for me ? We

9:56

tend to make that like oh my gosh

9:58

, red flag alert . Like you

10:00

know , my child is going

10:02

off the deep end . No , maybe they're

10:04

just questioning some things and that's okay

10:06

. Allow them that space , because

10:09

there's lots of things in our life that we

10:11

were just told and

10:14

we have to gain our own opinion

10:16

about it and our own thoughts

10:18

about it , which becomes so

10:21

much more powerful than if we're just told

10:23

to believe something . Now

10:26

our values ? Now I think this is

10:28

interesting because I think we

10:30

could all agree on certain values

10:33

and if you don't

10:35

know what the values are , I mean there's lots

10:38

of values . So just Google like values

10:40

and kind of look it over . But

10:42

when we first get married , I'm

10:44

pretty sure I never had the conversation

10:46

about to my husband like , hey , what do

10:48

you value ? I assumed he

10:51

valued having a monogamous

10:53

marriage and valued

10:55

honesty and trustworthiness

10:58

, like that loyalty

11:00

. Like I think I just

11:02

assumed that's who I was and

11:04

so surely the person I was

11:06

marrying also had those same values

11:08

. But I was wrong about that

11:11

. Clearly , if

11:13

they had the thought like , oh

11:16

yeah , I'm a totally loyal person , but

11:18

when it came to my marriage they

11:20

were not loyal , they were not honest

11:22

, they were not trustworthy , so the

11:25

values that maybe they held

11:27

were different in the way , I

11:29

needed them . And

11:31

I think , having the conversation

11:34

, even if you've been married 20 years

11:36

or 15 years or 30 years

11:38

, go on a date night and

11:41

say , hey , let's talk about our values

11:43

, like really get clear

11:45

. And even if you're single because

11:47

I've been really working on this like , what do I

11:50

value ? Because

11:52

if I ever choose to start dating , or

11:54

even with my own children , I

11:57

for my sake want to know what

12:00

do I really value in

12:02

my life , because other things

12:04

that come my way and if

12:06

I don't value them , if they're not in

12:08

my top 10 , it's a much

12:11

easier . No , and

12:13

it's a much easier way . You know what ? It's

12:16

not really my thing . I don't

12:18

can't think of one

12:20

at the moment , but there might

12:22

be a value that it's like eh

12:25

, that's a great thing . I'm glad you value

12:27

learning about

12:29

I don't know 16th century history

12:32

and that's important

12:35

. I might value learning , but that

12:37

type of learning I'm not interested

12:39

in . So great

12:41

for you but a no for me . So

12:44

getting clear on what you value

12:46

and the importance , like how

12:48

important I'm guessing everyone

12:51

listening to this knows honesty

12:54

, trustworthy , loyalty are my top

12:56

values . If someone

12:59

is like

13:01

that's maybe like on their radar

13:03

but not really that important , it's

13:06

going to be a no for me . In

13:09

my past I don't think

13:11

like I would have said like honesty

13:13

, trustworthy loyalty , like I didn't necessarily

13:16

have the reference , like they're

13:18

the most important thing in

13:20

my life value . But

13:23

now , because of

13:25

my past marriage

13:27

of someone that was disloyal

13:30

, dishonest , wasn't

13:32

faithful in my marriage , that

13:34

is my number one value

13:37

and that

13:39

is going to be an issue for me . If

13:41

I did meet someone else and

13:44

also it has really brought

13:46

to my attention like , okay , I value

13:48

this and other people . How am

13:50

I showing up honest , trustworthy

13:53

, loyal in my own life

13:55

, with myself , with

13:58

my kids and with my community

14:00

, if I say I'm

14:02

gonna do something , do I do it and

14:05

of course , no one is perfect at

14:07

everything all the time , right , but

14:09

in general , am I showing

14:12

up living those values ? Do

14:14

other people not that I wear

14:16

a T-shirt ? This is , I value honesty

14:19

. Like call me out if I'm not honest , but

14:21

am I showing

14:23

that ? Do someone see me and be like , oh

14:25

yeah , I can really count on Jennifer . Like

14:27

she's gonna show up when she says she is Like

14:29

I really feel like I can get the honest

14:32

truth from Jennifer . Like

14:34

that's who I wanna be . I want

14:36

my kids to know my

14:39

mom is always gonna tell me the truth

14:41

and I always try to

14:43

reiterate that Like and if I

14:45

struggle the first time , I'm

14:47

gonna come back the next

14:49

day , 20 minutes later and say

14:52

hey , hey , you know I was thinking

14:54

about this and I feel like I

14:56

didn't exactly say that the right way

14:58

or I wasn't completely honest . I'm

15:01

not sure why , but this is the

15:03

truth . So that's

15:05

who I wanna be . So figure out

15:07

what your values are . If

15:09

you value play , are

15:11

you doing things in your life Like you might

15:13

say you value having fun and

15:16

play meaning like traveling

15:18

and whatever you consider play

15:20

? Some people think hunting is

15:23

play and that would never be play for me

15:25

but or fishing or

15:27

camping and those things , but like

15:29

going on a trip , or I

15:32

love watching a really good movie

15:34

on Netflix or a

15:37

TV show or doing a puzzle , like

15:39

that is really fun for me . So am

15:41

I incorporating the things I value

15:43

into my daily life

15:45

, into my life in general ? So

15:48

really focus on like

15:50

generosity is the value of mine . How

15:53

am I showing up in generosity

15:56

in my life ? Do I surround

15:58

myself with other people that are generous

16:00

, because you want to surround yourself with

16:03

people that have similar values

16:05

not the same , but

16:07

similar , because you're gonna just feel

16:10

more connected with those people . And

16:12

so in your marriage I think it's

16:14

so important to kind of see what

16:17

people value . And you might have a mismatch

16:20

, and that's okay , don't panic , your marriage

16:22

isn't over . But figure out like

16:24

okay , we both don't

16:26

value play , but how

16:28

, if you're the spouse that does

16:30

, how can you get that need met outside

16:33

of your marriage in a healthy way ? Not

16:35

with another person of the opposite sex

16:37

. But there are other ways

16:39

to get your needs met in your values

16:42

that are healthy and

16:44

good and really can create

16:46

a stronger marriage

16:49

if you let it and so

16:51

Google what

16:53

are values and kind of start

16:55

thinking about you might already know , but

16:57

if you don't , like I didn't know , like

17:00

really what are my values ? And

17:02

consider , in having that conversation

17:05

, talk about it with your kids , help

17:07

them start figuring out what they

17:09

value . Because if , like my

17:11

kids are young adults , are they dating

17:14

people with similar values ? Are

17:16

they meeting people ? Are

17:18

their friends ? Do their friends have the same values

17:20

as they do ? Or are they with

17:23

friends that have different values but , for

17:25

whatever reason , they're still hanging out with them

17:27

, and so getting them to see

17:29

that at a higher level can be

17:31

such a great learning tool . Values

17:35

can serve as a guide for human

17:37

behavior . And just

17:39

know , like from your

17:41

childhood you might have had values

17:44

in your family that

17:46

you're like I don't really agree Like my

17:48

family was super frugal and I

17:50

don't wanna save every plastic container

17:53

and I don't value that as much

17:55

as my mom did . You don't have

17:57

to have the same values as your family , but

18:00

you can be respectful of them . But you

18:02

don't have to make you . You

18:04

don't have to be a clone image of what your family

18:06

did . You get to choose your own values . There's

18:09

not a right value or a wrong

18:11

value to have . There

18:14

are marriages that loyalty

18:16

is not on the radar . They

18:19

just have chosen a different path in their marriage

18:21

or they're not even choosing to get married

18:24

, so they're gonna have a different value

18:26

system . So don't compare your

18:28

values with someone else . So

18:31

recently I went to this trauma

18:34

conference with Gabor Maté

18:36

. He is a

18:38

very influential

18:40

doctor and has

18:42

done a lot of research in the trauma

18:44

field and he's written lots of books

18:47

and he

18:49

was talking about how babies

18:51

are born . When babies

18:53

are born , they have two needs

18:55

that we are just innately born with

18:57

. And one is attachment , or I'm

18:59

going to call it connection . They

19:02

need to be cared for , loved and

19:04

held , and you've heard of like

19:06

research that shows a baby that's just like

19:09

left in their crib and

19:11

never held can die , and

19:14

they've done lots of research on that

19:16

. And then our second

19:18

need is authenticity

19:20

. I'm not going to call it alignment

19:23

being connected

19:25

to our feelings and our gut

19:27

, which is our gut , right , and we're

19:29

listening to them and feeling them , so kind

19:31

of our nervous system , which I've talked about . So

19:34

we need connection . We're born with connection

19:36

and then also with authenticity

19:40

, where our gut and our feelings

19:42

match . So if you have a baby

19:44

, a baby will cry when

19:46

it's hungry . It's a way to

19:48

communicate to the world , like something's

19:51

going on , or when it needs a diaper changed

19:53

, or it could cry for many

19:55

reasons , but it's , it's

19:58

this natural way to communicate

20:00

. So now we're adults

20:02

, okay , and

20:04

sometimes our two

20:06

needs that we were born with as

20:08

adults collide our need for

20:10

connection and our need for alignment

20:13

. And what I found

20:15

so fascinating and which really made

20:17

a lot of sense to me , is that we will choose

20:19

connection every time . So

20:22

for you women people

20:24

that are like why didn't

20:27

I pay attention to my gut

20:29

screaming at me ? Something

20:32

is going on , my husband's

20:34

lying to me I felt something

20:36

for years and I ignored

20:38

it , because

20:40

you chose connection

20:43

to your spouse over

20:45

alignment with yourself . And

20:47

do not judge yourself . That

20:50

is a normal thing

20:53

that we will choose every

20:55

time . He said there is not a time

20:57

that we don't choose that . However

21:00

, eventually you

21:02

get to a point where you are so

21:04

out of alignment that

21:07

there is no connection

21:09

and you start

21:11

choosing yourself above

21:13

the connection , and I can

21:16

totally see this in my own life

21:18

. Some people get to it quicker than

21:20

others . Me , it took me 26 years

21:22

. Some people get to it in your

21:24

five or the first time , or

21:27

your 10 . So don't

21:30

judge yourself of when it happened

21:32

, but when you realize you're

21:35

so out of alignment with yourself

21:37

that the connection

21:39

doesn't even matter , that

21:41

is when true change can happen and

21:44

you will be able to

21:46

disconnect from that

21:48

person and start aligning

21:50

with yourself . Now the key

21:52

is to start

21:54

aligning with yourself , to recognize

21:57

what did you sacrifice

21:59

, what did you do to get so out of alignment

22:01

? And it's hard to explain

22:04

, but it is a feeling you

22:07

will feel when you are

22:09

more in alignment with yourself . It's

22:11

actually my word of the year is

22:13

alignment and I've been working

22:16

on this . I didn't know how unaligned

22:19

I was with my beliefs , with

22:21

my values , with everything

22:24

in my life until I got

22:26

, after I got , divorced and I started

22:28

the healing process . I went

22:31

from not recognizing who I was

22:33

, not even knowing who I was , to

22:36

actually now figuring out who

22:38

I am and loving

22:41

, appreciating , understanding

22:43

who I am , and I'm so

22:45

grateful and like almost

22:48

finding my younger self again , like

22:50

, oh my gosh , I was this person all

22:52

along . I just got really out of alignment

22:55

during my marriage because

22:57

I was choosing connection to

23:00

my spouse even though the connection

23:02

wasn't I wouldn't

23:04

say great , because they

23:06

were having an affair , multiple

23:09

affairs , but it was still

23:11

at that time more important

23:14

to me to connect than to

23:16

leave and get in line with

23:18

myself . So I think

23:20

the trauma world , the world

23:22

of therapy , has

23:25

made so many great connections

23:28

with our body , mind and spirit

23:30

that it just made so much

23:33

sense . I just wanted to stand up and

23:35

go give them a hug because I'm like , oh my gosh

23:37

, no wonder . Because before I made it

23:39

mean , what is wrong with me

23:41

? Who would do this

23:43

? Why would I do this over

23:46

and over again ? Because if you've experienced

23:48

betrayal once , you think

23:50

I never want to experience this again

23:52

. It is so painful and

23:54

then I would do it again and again

23:57

and I'm like , what in the world

23:59

? But now I understand

24:01

and in a way it made

24:03

me feel so much

24:06

compassion for myself and

24:08

I got it . And so if you're wondering

24:10

, like , why did that woman

24:12

? Why did she not know her husband was cheating

24:15

on her for 10 years ? She may

24:17

have known , but she was so disconnected

24:19

from herself that she was

24:21

choosing the safer option

24:24

, which was the connection over

24:27

really paying attention to her

24:29

gut and her feelings , and so judging

24:32

her will not help her . Loving

24:35

her will , having compassion

24:37

and understanding for her , because

24:40

we don't know , because we weren't there . So

24:42

just know . If

24:44

that is your experience

24:46

or your experience of your mom

24:49

or your dad or someone

24:51

in your family , it makes

24:53

perfect sense that they chose connection

24:55

over anything else . So just have love

24:57

and compassion for them . So

24:59

I just I thought that was so fascinating . And

25:02

, in conclusion , just

25:04

remember that look

25:07

at your beliefs , write them down , take

25:09

a second , take 10 minutes , brainstorm

25:11

five , 10 of your beliefs and

25:13

kind of consider do I want to believe that

25:15

anymore ? Do I have a different

25:18

perception now that this is

25:20

my life experience ? I believed this

25:22

for so long . Do I still

25:24

want to believe it ? And if you do , that's okay . And if

25:26

you don't , what do you want to believe instead

25:28

? And look at your values

25:31

what are you valuing in your life

25:33

? Do they still hold true

25:35

? Do you want to still have those values ? What

25:37

is your spouse value ? What

25:39

are your kids value ? I think it would be such

25:42

a great thing to talk about

25:44

, so I hope this was helpful

25:46

. It really was a big light

25:48

bulb moment for me , so hopefully I

25:50

was able to let you in

25:52

on that little moment of mine

25:54

and you had one for yourself . Anyways

25:57

, if you need a coach , I would love to

26:00

be your coach . I am so

26:02

passionate about helping other people

26:04

heal from betrayal , because

26:06

it is the thing that

26:08

can keep you stuck in your life or

26:10

can make you free as you heal

26:13

. Thanks so much for listening . Have

26:15

a beautiful , wonderful day and I'll talk to you

26:17

soon . If you want to learn

26:19

how to live happily even after , sign

26:21

up for my email at hello at

26:23

lifecoachjenn with one n dot

26:25

com . Follow me on Instagram

26:27

and Facebook at happily even after

26:30

. Coach . Let's work together to create

26:32

your happily even after

26:34

.