0:00

Henm me my purse is a production of iHeart

0:02

Podcasts. Well well,

0:04

well, so I was, excuse

0:07

me, sounding like Frog or from the Little Rascals.

0:10

But while I was perusing Diane

0:13

Carroll's Internet I ran across the

0:15

quote from, of course, none

0:17

other than one of my favorite Internet

0:22

poet, Laureates Young

0:25

Pueblo, and

0:29

it says, one

0:31

of the most toxic ideas

0:33

that grips our minds is perfection.

0:37

We expect it, we crave it, we wish

0:39

to see it in our lives and in our relationships.

0:42

But reality and the idea of perfection

0:44

are in a constant state of friction.

0:47

Reality is ever changing. It

0:49

is transformation combined

0:52

with unpredictability. Perfection

0:55

is the opposite. It is an attempt to

0:57

control and keep things within the boundaries

0:59

of a certain mental image. Reality

1:01

is a flowing river and perfection

1:04

is a static painting.

1:09

I say it all the.

1:09

Time that perfection is just an illusion

1:13

and an attempt to

1:17

control everything, and

1:19

perfection is so far away

1:23

from God that it's

1:28

hard to even conceptualize.

1:30

For me.

1:32

Now at forty

1:34

four, I should say, because

1:37

if I have to constantly remind myself

1:40

that if I have faith and if I believe

1:42

in God, and I believe that God is

1:44

the master of all things, and

1:47

I am simply here to work the plan.

1:51

Then one, I

1:53

will never.

1:54

Be perfect because.

1:57

That's not even in the plan, because

2:00

being perfect is not even real. But

2:07

the imperfection that that we possess

2:10

is perfect because it's a part of God's perfect

2:13

plan. But the perfection

2:15

that we seek as humans

2:19

is totally an illusion. It's delulu,

2:22

as the kids say to

2:25

it's delulu.

2:49

I can't see the path that Okay,

2:51

what's up, y'all? Welcome to hand me my purse the podcast.

2:54

I am Mimi Walker, and I will be your

2:56

ever host each and every single

2:58

time you tune into this podcast. So go ahead and

3:00

get comfortable. Get yourself a glass

3:02

of your favorite beverage, whether that is

3:05

cherry lime, made sparkling water, some

3:08

fresh squeeze lemonade with

3:10

sugar cane sticks in it. I remember

3:13

that Bahama Brees used to

3:16

make their lemonade like that and put sugar

3:18

cane sticks in it. I don't know if they still do, because I

3:20

rarely drink lemonade

3:22

or sugary drinks like that anymore.

3:25

If I'm at Bahama Breeze I'm definitely getting

3:27

a drink. And the drink that I'm getting lately

3:30

is called the Cloud nine.

3:33

It is amazing. If there's a Bahama

3:35

Breeze in your area, if you work

3:37

at Bahama Breeze, give me

3:39

a deal because I love it. It's my favorite

3:41

restaurant.

3:46

I love the Cloud nine

3:49

and it is quite strong and

3:51

quite delicious. It's sweet, though, so if you

3:53

don't like really sweet things,

3:56

then you won't like it. You can probably get

3:58

two drinks out of that drink. But anyway, or

4:00

a shot of Repisodal tequila with a key lime

4:03

rim. You know what I found out yesterday

4:05

because you know, I hadn't really gotten

4:08

in the key limes much. Key

4:10

limes are so much sweeter than regular limes.

4:12

They're delicious. I just squeezed

4:16

the juice like onto my tongue and

4:18

it was so good. But anyway, I

4:20

digress. Of course, go light yourself

4:22

a candle, some incense or burn

4:25

some sage and just get ready to chill out

4:27

and have yourself a good time, because

4:30

that's what we're about to do. What's

4:40

up, friends and ken It's MEI Resident Anti

4:43

Supreme, here at hand, me my purse, and

4:45

today I am sipping on

4:48

some green tea. Actually

4:50

it's Yogi teas blueberry

4:53

slim life green tea actually,

4:55

and I also threw in some

4:58

Astragonda tea. And for

5:00

me all my life, all my adult

5:03

life, I've recognize that green tea is

5:05

like the elixir of life. And

5:07

Yogi teas while they aren't the most tasty,

5:09

usually for me anyway, because I

5:11

find they add pepper to everything,

5:15

they add black pepper to and maybe there's a method

5:18

to their madness. They probably know something that

5:20

we don't and it's not just ones with turmeric

5:22

and them.

5:23

So stop.

5:25

This one is really good and it doesn't have pepper.

5:27

I really like it, and so some benefits,

5:30

just so you know. Benefits

5:32

for green tea are that it

5:34

alleviates anxiety and stress.

5:37

It helps to protect against cognitive

5:40

decline, It helps support bone health, It

5:42

improves longevity. It

5:44

can lower your cholesterol, manhandce

5:47

your memory, may manage and prevent type two

5:49

diabetes, and it might lower

5:51

stroke risks risks

5:55

risk doesn't

5:57

when you say risks or masks,

6:00

it sounds like a rimshot.

6:01

Like but don't sh.

6:03

Anyway, Remember I told you I lost all

6:05

of my sounds. I have some of

6:07

them back, but I don't know which one

6:10

is which because they aren't

6:12

labeled in the program

6:14

that I use, so now I have to relabel them

6:16

all, but I have some of them back

6:18

anyway, I digress. Here

6:21

are some benefits of

6:23

astragondity. It relieves stress and anxiety.

6:26

It lowers blood sugar and fat. It can

6:28

increase muscle and strength. It can improve

6:30

sexual function in women. It can boost

6:32

fertility and testosterone levels and men.

6:35

It sharpens focus and memory, and it

6:37

supports heart health. There are some

6:39

side effects, though common side effects are mild

6:42

and including upset stomach, loose stools,

6:44

loose stools, nausea,

6:46

and drowsiness. I

6:49

don't think I would recommend drinking it daily

6:51

or over long periods of time regularly.

6:54

It's the kind of tea that you incorporate into your tea

6:56

sipping regimen randomly,

7:00

versus green tea, which I

7:02

think is really wise to drink

7:06

every day or at least every other day,

7:08

because it has so many wonderful benefits.

7:11

Green tea definitely has some

7:13

side effects that

7:16

I didn't really know about, but just do

7:18

your research look it up. Remember I

7:20

am not a doctor, don't

7:23

even think so. But you got to do your own research.

7:26

But Green Tea is great and it's

7:28

great for you. So I

7:30

want to say something before we get

7:32

into the jam in preparation

7:35

for this show, or before you start listening

7:37

to this show. First of all, the Gratitude

7:40

Challenge has come to

7:42

an end. It ended on

7:44

Sunday, the twenty first of

7:46

April, and I want to hear from you,

7:48

guys. I want to hear if you enjoyed

7:51

the Gratitude Challenge. Did you participate,

7:54

what did you realize while

7:56

doing the Gratitude Challenge? How did you incorporate

7:58

it into your life life? So send

8:01

me a message, send me a

8:03

text message. My phone number should

8:05

be on Instagram and Facebook.

8:08

Send me an email. You can email

8:11

me at Hello at handymipurse

8:13

dot com. I would love to hear from you. Uh

8:16

send me a DM on Facebook,

8:18

on Instagram, on

8:20

Twitter. I want to hear from you. I

8:22

want to hear how it worked out for you.

8:26

That would really bring my day, So

8:28

please do that. Also, I want

8:31

you to be prepared for the conversation

8:34

that I'm having today with my guest,

8:37

because I was not prepared.

8:40

I was prepared, but I

8:42

don't think my nervous

8:45

system was prepared. And

8:49

my conversation is with

8:52

someone we talk about death and more

8:54

tech and mortality

8:56

a lot, and we talked

8:59

about grief a lot. And

9:01

as you guys know, I

9:04

lost, As

9:06

you guys know, hold on, sorry,

9:10

let me drink this tea. I lost my

9:12

grandmother last year.

9:13

And grief

9:16

is uh.

9:17

First of all, grief is a motherfucker,

9:20

first of all. Second of all, it

9:22

is a process, and it is

9:25

lifelong.

9:26

It is not something that stops.

9:29

It's not a destination

9:32

you don't arrive at. Grief

9:34

is over lane or

9:37

the train station or the train depot

9:39

for grief is done. It's

9:42

a journey. You are constantly

9:46

evolving and faced

9:48

with how it will

9:51

be a part of your life.

9:52

And so.

9:54

I was not prepared emotionally,

10:00

mentally, spiritually, nor

10:05

my nervous system. I'm telling you because I

10:07

had a very visceral reaction

10:10

during our conversation at the beginning of our

10:12

conversation, and you should be able to hear

10:14

because I asked my producers to

10:17

not cut it out. I don't think he cut it out. If

10:21

you did cut it out, well, he cut it out. I'm sorry

10:23

that you don't get to hear it. But I

10:27

I wanted you guys to hear it because it's real.

10:29

And one thing that.

10:32

I stand on is

10:34

business. Standing on business, that's what the kid saying.

10:36

But one thing I stand behind is authenticity

10:40

and transparency on this show, and

10:45

I had a very very

10:47

real physical

10:50

reaction while

10:53

she and I were talking and it

10:57

was interesting. And actually after

11:00

our conversation, usually when

11:02

I'm in the house for the evening, I don't

11:05

leave back out because I'm like a bear.

11:08

My ass got up. I got

11:10

up.

11:10

I went to Best Buy and bought a juicer. Okay,

11:13

I got up and I got out of the house because I just felt

11:15

like I need to be outside in nature

11:17

and.

11:17

It solved everything, So

11:21

just prepare for that.

11:23

Also, I

11:25

just experienced so many different emotions

11:28

while talking, and it was interesting

11:30

because it made it a little difficult

11:32

at times for me to do the

11:35

interview or to have the conversation with her.

11:38

Because I was dealing with so.

11:41

Much internal stuff

11:44

in the moment, like my mind and

11:47

my body and my spirit

11:50

was just kind of going through like a

11:52

whole lot of different shit. So

11:56

it's not anything that I'm apologizing for

11:58

because I'm not so sorry

12:00

for my life and

12:02

my existence and how

12:06

my spirit or my body, my mind,

12:08

or my heart reacts to talking about

12:11

anything, particularly grief. But I

12:13

just wanted you guys to know on the front end that I did struggle

12:15

a little bit. I mean, it's still a really, really

12:18

fucking amazing conversation. It's not bad

12:20

or anything, but I wanted you guys

12:23

to know on the front end because I didn't want you to

12:25

listen and be like.

12:26

What is wrong with her? Now you know

12:28

what was wrong with me.

12:31

Also, I would like to

12:34

read a comment from someone

12:38

a listener on Spotify

12:42

and her name is Tracy

12:44

Balsamo, and Tracy Balsamo

12:46

said that she participated

12:50

or she was going to participate in the

12:54

challenge in the Gratitude Challenge, Tracy,

12:56

I hope that you did.

12:57

First of all, thank you for listening. You are

12:59

the real y'all

13:03

know I was gonna know where that one was though. Ray.

13:06

And also she said that she was sipping gatorade

13:08

while she was listening to that

13:11

episode, and I think it was from episode eighty four

13:13

if I'm not mistaken. But

13:15

if you did do the Gratitude

13:18

Challenge, Tracy, please leave me a comment

13:20

and let me know how it went for you. Let

13:24

me know you know how that worked. I want

13:26

to hear from you guys about the gratitude challenge

13:29

because so many people have a lot of breakthroughs

13:31

and gain some new understanding

13:34

as a result of it. So enjoy

13:37

the conversation that I had with my guests.

13:40

And yeah,

13:42

I just wanted to kind of put you all on games because we

13:44

don't do no hide and then no pretending around here.

13:46

We keeps it. We keeps it a buck over

13:49

here.

13:49

Okay, Oh yeah,

13:58

so friends and ken for today jam,

14:01

I chose a song that

14:07

it didn't quite fall into my lap,

14:09

but it kind of did.

14:11

There was a song that I told you.

14:13

When I choose the jam, usually it kind

14:16

of just comes to me, or it's a song that is

14:19

like on.

14:19

My spirit like heavy that week

14:22

And.

14:24

Excuse me, I'm sorry, it's it's on me like

14:27

heavy.

14:29

And I had one and you

14:31

know, I have perimenopause and I have some

14:33

other, uh health stuff going on

14:36

that caused me to sometimes forget black

14:38

stuff. Sorry,

14:41

so I forgot and I didn't

14:43

write it down. So as

14:47

a result, I went

14:49

looking for a jam. And I

14:51

don't just pick the first thing that I find. I'm

14:53

very intentional about how

14:55

I create my episodes. I'm very intentional

14:58

about the information that

15:00

I provide for you guys. I'm very intentional

15:03

about handing my purse period,

15:06

extremely intentional, And I

15:09

think that's why I love my own

15:11

show so much and why

15:16

like I really believe in it, because I'm

15:18

extremely intentional. So I

15:20

was listening to songs, like I listened

15:22

to a few of them. I have a list of songs

15:25

that I have, you know, like a go

15:27

to, like if I just cannot

15:29

figure something out. I have a list of songs that I

15:31

really love that I can go to and

15:33

kind of pick from it. And it's a long list, so it's

15:35

not like a list of five. And

15:38

nothing on that list was like speaking

15:41

to me because it has to connect

15:44

with me in that moment.

15:46

And so I just went to Spotify

15:49

and just looked through like some

15:52

of my playlists and I like songs.

15:54

And I saw this song and I was like, I don't remember

15:56

this song, but I like both of the artists

15:59

that are on the song. And so

16:01

I found this song and it is called

16:04

Superpower and it is by

16:07

a woman. Her name is Kirby, and

16:10

Kirby is from Memphis, but

16:12

she was raised in Mississippi and

16:14

D Smoke. D Smoke

16:17

if I'm not mistaken, and I'm pretty

16:19

sure that I'm accurate here.

16:21

D Smoke is the brother of.

16:26

Sir. I'm pretty

16:28

sure that he is. I'm pretty

16:30

sure that that he's that D Smoke.

16:32

Yep, I just looked at his picture. So

16:35

D Smoke and Sir, who is

16:37

an R and B singer, are brothers. And

16:41

I like both Kirby and

16:43

D Smoke and this song.

16:45

I turned it on and started listening and I was like,

16:47

WHOA, And I think based

16:50

on like the album art, it's

16:53

the two of them sitting on like a bench,

16:56

uh. And the picture looks very vintage,

16:58

and it looks like they're sitting in

17:01

a step like in your grandma's house, and you

17:03

can see the steps, and on the wall

17:05

there are pictures of people

17:09

who in that year. Remember that year, like

17:12

COVID in twenty nineteen, where

17:14

they were just killing black people, like freaking

17:17

crazy, shooting them in the back of the head. George

17:21

Floyd, Breonna Taylor Ahmad

17:25

Oh, I forget his last name. I don't

17:27

want to forget his last name. But the

17:29

young man who was running I

17:33

mentioned him too. He

17:36

was running in Georgia and

17:42

Ahmad Ahmad Arbury.

17:47

I did not want to forget his name, and I wanted

17:49

to make sure that I said his name, am Oud

17:51

Arbury. There are pictures of them on the wall

17:53

and a couple of other people. I can't really make out their

17:55

faces, but I

17:59

said, let me get into

18:01

this. And so the song is

18:04

is basically a celebration of

18:07

black people's magic, and I

18:09

love it. It's

18:12

not gimmicky. It's

18:15

not like corny

18:18

because don't nobody, ain't nobody got time for no corny

18:20

shit. It's not like you

18:23

know what I'm saying. It's not like the

18:26

kind of song that you know, I

18:30

can't really say what I want to say. It's not the song

18:32

that can be easily like

18:35

vultured, if that makes

18:37

sense.

18:38

And so.

18:40

It's just a really really, really really

18:42

good song. And I love at the end

18:45

they talk about they say

18:47

in the song they are lyrics that say when

18:49

we die, where do my people go to

18:52

the stars where they can't steal your glow?

18:55

I love that.

18:59

Anyway, listen to it. Uh, it's a good

19:01

song. It's really a celebration

19:04

of, like I said, being black

19:08

and like nuances, like having

19:10

a wide nose and big

19:12

lips and about you know, here's

19:16

some more lyrics. My nose as wide as the red sea,

19:19

my lips are full fillers, don't feel me as

19:21

soon as my cousin killers on trial, My

19:23

family gonna pull up, sit in court side.

19:26

So it's a good song. It ain't,

19:28

it's not, it's not. It's

19:32

a good song, and it's refreshing in

19:34

the wake of the

19:36

music that we sit with and deal

19:39

with now and rap

19:41

rap guys, that's what I'll call them. Rap

19:44

guys are out here having bitch

19:46

fits on the internet and fighting with each

19:49

other. This kind of song is definitely refreshing,

19:51

So check it out.

19:52

Listen to it.

19:53

Of course, as

19:55

soon as it's done playing,

19:58

Uh, we're gonna get right into the second to the

20:00

discussion with my guests. Uh.

20:03

And of

20:05

course in the show notes, there's gonna be a

20:08

link, and the link is to a video so

20:10

you can see them and see the video. The

20:12

video is really beautiful, So check it

20:14

out and let me know what you think, because.

20:17

I really, really, really really really like it.

20:19

It's a good song. So here

20:21

is Kirby and d Smoke with superpowers

20:24

accusing us of moving Keilos they'll

20:26

always move in love.

20:27

You got a Superpowers, We

20:34

got super Bowls and

20:37

I cannot forget them.

20:40

We got superw

20:46

we got super Yay,

21:01

Okay, friends and Ken. This

21:03

is going to be a

21:06

show unlike any show that I have ever

21:08

had before, because I have talked

21:10

about grief before, but

21:13

I have never spoken to someone

21:16

who assists or

21:19

ushers people over

21:22

to the other side or helps helps

21:25

with that. And no, not like in a

21:27

doctor Kavorkian way. So it was not

21:29

his name Kavorkian. Yeah,

21:31

not in that way, but in a

21:33

very beautiful way. And I can't wait

21:35

for my guest today to talk to

21:37

you about the work she does.

21:40

Her name is a Lua Arthur

21:43

and she is a death doula.

21:45

And I have to say that. When I heard that, I

21:47

was like, what

21:50

is a death doula? But I

21:52

mean in the same way you have a doula when

21:55

you give birth. It's it's

21:57

the exact same concept. But I want her to

22:01

tell us about who she is, because me

22:03

telling you about who she is serves no purpose,

22:06

and to tell us a little bit about

22:08

what a death doula is just to start

22:10

the conversation off. Generally,

22:13

thank you so much for having me.

22:15

A death doula is somebody who does all

22:17

of the holistic and non medical

22:20

care and support of the dying person

22:22

and.

22:23

The circle of support through the process.

22:25

And when I say dying person, I mean anybody

22:27

who has come into recognition of their mortality.

22:30

That means that even when people are healthy and

22:32

they want to complete some comprehensive end of life

22:35

plans, death doualas can assist with

22:37

it when they want to work through fears

22:39

around death, or do death meditations

22:41

or anything to help them alleviate

22:43

or be in conversation about their mortality. Death

22:46

dealers can do that. When somebody

22:48

knows what it is if they're going to be dying of, we

22:50

can support them and having the most ideal

22:52

death for themselves under the circumstances.

22:55

And then after a death, we can help family members

22:58

wrap up affairs of their loved ones life. So

23:00

anything related to how people are engaging

23:03

with their mortality, either because

23:05

they have a disease and they know that they're

23:07

dying from it or they want to prepare themselves,

23:09

we can support with Okay.

23:12

And having recently

23:14

lost Lou I've

23:16

recently lost my two grandparents

23:20

in two and January of twenty

23:23

twenty and then in January

23:25

of twenty twenty three,

23:29

Yes, twenty twenty three, so three

23:31

years apart, two days apart, and

23:34

they were married for so many years, like thirty

23:36

some years. I

23:39

can say even though that, you know, they

23:41

were my grandparents, and their children handled

23:43

a lot of the really like minuscule,

23:46

not minuscule, I mean finite, like the detailed

23:50

I'm sorry, aspects

23:52

of preparing for.

23:57

I don't want to say even their death.

23:58

I'm talking about, well, but the

24:00

whole process before

24:03

it happened, while it was happening, and then

24:05

after it happened. It's a lot of

24:07

work. It's a lot of

24:09

you don't think about that, right, You don't think

24:11

about like all the work that goes into dying,

24:14

because there's a lot of paperwork. There's a lot

24:16

of phone calls, there's a lot of signing

24:20

documents, getting people to agree to

24:22

do things, getting family members

24:24

to be okay with that, with

24:27

the choices that the person who is leaving,

24:30

the choices that

24:32

they're making. It just seemed

24:35

like a lot. Not to mention the fact that you're

24:37

losing someone that you love and you

24:39

have to work around all of that. It

24:41

just seems like a lot of work.

24:45

One question that I do like to ask before

24:47

we get into the heaviest the conversation is

24:50

are you drinking something right now? Do you drink

24:52

or you have something to drink? Water? Water?

24:55

And so you know, every time I have somebody on this show,

24:57

they are drinking water. That

25:00

is great that people are hydrated in that way.

25:02

I am more than likely dehydrated,

25:05

Like, yeah, it happens. I

25:07

am drinking tea butterfly PT

25:09

and peppermint tea because that is my new

25:13

favorite combination. And

25:15

I just always want to know, like what are you drinking to

25:17

day? Like what are people drinking putting into their

25:19

bodies? And not because I'm a health nut a

25:21

little bit, but you

25:24

know, I always wonder, so I want

25:26

to hear about you. Recently wrote a book, yes,

25:29

and it was released on April

25:31

the sixteenth to sixteen.

25:34

Okay, tell me a little bit about the book.

25:36

The book is called Briefly Perfectly

25:39

Human, and it is mostly

25:41

a memoir that tracks my journey into

25:43

death care and highlights some of my clients'

25:45

stories in an effort to

25:47

create a story where anybody can find themselves

25:50

and find their truths and find ways

25:52

to engage with their mortality.

25:56

Yeah, my hope is that the book serves as an invitation

25:58

for people into their lives they think about death

26:01

overall, and hopefully

26:03

gives us some things to start thinking about as

26:05

we begin to prepare for death ourselves.

26:07

I tell you what it definitely me had

26:10

me thinking, of course, about

26:12

myself and about the people around me.

26:15

But I think I spent most of

26:17

my time reflecting on the

26:20

experience of losing

26:22

my grandparents, which was, like

26:24

I said, not too long ago. Some of my

26:26

favorite things of the book because in the book, because

26:29

as I went along, I definitely

26:31

took notes. Something

26:34

that I've really loved about the book is because,

26:37

like you said, it is a memoir. You

26:40

were very transparent, very

26:42

vulnerable, and very dare I say,

26:44

like raw and naked about like the

26:47

processes that you've endured in

26:49

your life. You talked a lot about your mental health,

26:51

which I talk about almost every episode

26:54

on this show.

26:56

I talk about mental health and self care and self

26:58

love and self worth a lot. And

27:01

it was amazing to

27:03

hear about your own mental health

27:05

journey and how you

27:10

carry that work into the work that you do

27:13

as a death Duela. One of the

27:15

first things that I wrote down about

27:17

things that I loved about this book because I went as

27:20

I went along was I could die of

27:22

my own depression from when

27:24

you were on the bus with Jess.

27:27

Y'all need to read the book because see some of this, you're

27:29

gonna be like, I don't know what she's talking about. Read the book.

27:32

Read the book. Can

27:34

you talk about

27:37

like that moment when you had

27:39

that feeling or when you felt that

27:41

way about your

27:44

own mortality and your own mental health and how

27:46

you felt when

27:48

you hold on time out? Because I

27:50

just totally went blank. I have ADHD. So

27:53

bear with me.

27:54

I'm with you, hold on, bear

27:56

with me, Okay, all

27:59

right,

28:05

okay, Sorry.

28:07

You're really nervous, because

28:10

I think so really is

28:13

because it's death. I don't

28:15

fucking know. I

28:18

don't know, but I am not that girl.

28:20

I'm not nervous. I don't get nervous.

28:22

I wonder if it's because we are talking

28:24

about well, I mean it requires me like I'm

28:26

having like a physical like my body,

28:28

I'm having like a physical reaction. Wow,

28:31

what does it feel like a

28:35

little like jittery and

28:39

kind of cold? And I'm clearly

28:42

drinking tea and I have on hoodie. Yeah.

28:44

Yeah, well, I will say that sometimes

28:46

I feel like getting into the conversation inspires

28:49

such vulnerability that a lot of us

28:51

want to retract in order to protect ourselves,

28:54

even though there's nothing to protect against because

28:56

we are safe in the conversation. But it's

28:58

not uncommon for folks to do like, oh, when

29:01

when it comes up, yeah, because we're

29:03

gonna talk about it.

29:04

We're going to deal with that.

29:04

Yeah.

29:05

Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. It's

29:07

so weird. Okay, and I'll probably keep

29:09

this on there. Okay. I am usually

29:11

very vulnerable and transparent, but I'm

29:14

realizing that I'm having some kind

29:16

of like physical,

29:18

like visceral reaction. And I don't know,

29:21

it really could be the

29:23

thought of talking

29:26

about grief. And I mean I go to therapy.

29:28

Yeah, I go to therapy every week. My therapist just took

29:31

me down every two weeks. I told her,

29:33

I don't really know if this is a good idea, but she did

29:35

anyway, so it's not like, you

29:37

know, I'm not I don't know. I

29:39

just had like a washer, maybe my grandmother is in here,

29:42

because she'd be in here something.

29:44

If you're feeling cold, but you have all the

29:46

worms that's what they say often that

29:48

there's like a coldness or breeze or whatever.

29:50

Oh, but it was a breeze. It

29:53

was like a yeah, I just don't

29:56

be playing grandma because I'm trying to conduct business.

30:00

Nice, pretty lady, please grandma.

30:03

All right, let me get myself together. So I'm

30:05

going to just read some of the things from the book that I

30:08

really loved. I love that you addressed

30:10

that you realize that you could die of

30:12

your own depression. So mortality

30:15

it's not all about terminal illness or

30:17

being physically ill. You recognize

30:19

that your mental health

30:22

had such a impact

30:24

or such a toll on you that like if

30:26

I don't do something like I could die

30:28

or I feel like I could die. Another

30:32

point you said, and these are all things that you said,

30:34

making space for people to talk about with lives

30:36

heaviest on our hearts, living a

30:38

life full of pretending when mental

30:40

health is heavy on you. Listen,

30:43

yeap. That is problematic in

30:46

the world, but it is really really

30:49

problematic in the black community. I just

30:51

won't pretend that everything is fine.

30:54

God is here, We are good. We don't

30:56

need anything. My grandmother used to always say, I

30:58

don't need no man because Jesus is my boyfriend

31:01

or God is my boyfriend. Grandma, it ain't

31:03

the same, because it ain't. God

31:06

is not here to do things for you that a

31:08

boyfriend could do.

31:09

It's not how it works.

31:10

Jesus is not doing me my boyfriend does now

31:12

and she knows because she had four kids

31:14

and used to wear hot pants in the sixties. So

31:17

I know that God is not doing

31:19

for you what my grandfather was

31:22

doing for you in the sixties, and whoever else,

31:24

if there was anybody else on the low

31:27

existential gas lighting. I love

31:29

that. Not allowing people to be free and

31:31

expressing the pain of their reality.

31:34

That is something else. When

31:37

you talked about Jessica, as you said, I see a woman who

31:39

didn't want to do, who didn't do what she

31:41

wanted to do. That is something that I talk about

31:43

on the show all the time because my therapist

31:46

has worked really hard. She and I have worked really

31:48

hard together to get me to be a

31:50

woman who does what she wants to do and

31:52

who does not do what she wants does

31:54

not want to do, and

31:57

that struck a chord with me. And

32:00

I'm reading this just so that people can see, like the

32:02

book isn't just about Oh, people are

32:04

dying and they're gonna die and no.

32:06

It is a great book because a

32:09

law is very transparent about her mental

32:12

health. And one thing

32:14

we're going to talk about on this show is mental health.

32:17

You said, if I died happy, what would I

32:19

look like at the end of my life? That

32:22

one hit me in the chest, and that's when

32:24

I started thinking about my own mortality.

32:27

I love that you said, because we get to live,

32:29

we get to die.

32:32

You came from Ghana and moved

32:34

to Bethesda. Yeah,

32:36

yeah, I love that. Shout out to Maryland.

32:39

The feeling of creating home and

32:41

has it aided you to feeling

32:43

like you need to belong somewhere, to

32:46

something or to someone. You

32:48

said, self care must be a priority when

32:51

we are ushering others into death. I definitely

32:53

want to talk about that. You talked about

32:55

generational joy. We always talk about

32:57

generational curses, but generational

33:00

is a thing. The reasons why

33:02

people try to box black listen. I was

33:05

chanting all kinds of black

33:08

power chants when I read this. The reason why

33:10

people try to blox black people

33:12

into a box or create a monolift

33:14

for us is because they have

33:17

a hard time understanding blackness. And

33:19

it's easier to digest if they make us

33:21

all the same. Yep. When

33:24

a loved one dies, I loved for them, and

33:26

their love for us doesn't die or go away,

33:28

it changes form. That broke

33:31

me down.

33:31

Sis. I was crying in the car

33:33

when I heard that part.

33:35

I was crying because it made me think about Recently,

33:38

I saw Regina King. Somebody asked

33:40

her about her son, Ian, who had

33:42

passed away, and she said that grief

33:45

is just love that doesn't have anywhere to go.

33:48

Oh gosh. I was crying like a baby

33:50

when I heard that, and when I read that that

33:53

our love for them, or their love

33:55

for us, it doesn't die or go away, it just changes forms.

33:58

I loved when you talked about culture norms

34:00

and societal norms being like lead

34:02

in our drinking water. You

34:06

said the risk of loving anything is

34:08

to lose it, and

34:12

I love that you said, fuck them, do you boo?

34:14

And that's just some of them. Because I could go here, I could

34:17

go on for because as I was driving

34:19

and listening, I was like, oh, oh, I shouldn't

34:21

have been.

34:22

Driving, but I was.

34:23

There were so many good

34:25

things and A Lou and I were talking

34:28

earlier about the fact that her

34:30

audio book is her own

34:32

voice, and it was so much more

34:36

meaningful to listen to the book

34:38

through your voice. And I'm glad that I got

34:41

to listen to it versus

34:43

like actually holding the book and reading it. And I may

34:45

still buy I'm definitely gonna buy the book and

34:47

I'm going to give it to my aunt. She

34:49

doesn't know that, but I'm gonna buy it and give it to my aunt. But

34:53

listening to it through your voice

34:55

really really held

34:58

a lot of weight for me because I feel like I

35:00

I know your entire experience now, like

35:02

I know you, you're my cousin who lived down the street.

35:05

I know what happened. I know Kip.

35:07

I know all of the people. Girl, Kip,

35:10

I understand you ran down the street and you were on

35:12

the freeway. Did you say you were on the four oh five, on the

35:15

oh the one o five? You were on the one o five.

35:17

I was there.

35:18

I thought I was there. It was literally like almost

35:22

like a black room come a little bit sometimes

35:26

and then sometimes like a black drama.

35:28

So let's talk about self care, because on

35:31

this show we talk about self care. I told you I have adhd

35:33

one thing about me. I'm going to rent one

35:36

thing about me. I'm all over the place me too,

35:39

So in doing this

35:41

work, how

35:43

do you take care

35:45

of yourself? It

35:48

can be tricky.

35:49

People that are drawn to this work, like myself,

35:51

were really empathic largely, which means

35:54

I feel like I can feel what everybody's feeling all the time,

35:56

and it makes it really hard, especially

35:58

when we're talking about death and loss and

36:00

there's so much pain and sadness there.

36:02

There's also beauty and joy, but.

36:04

Predominantly there's a lot of sadness, and

36:07

it's important that we learn how to shore

36:09

up our own boundaries. I find that many

36:11

of us who come to the work, particularly

36:14

the students that I teach at

36:16

the Going with Grace end of Life training program,

36:19

have to work really hard to close up

36:21

their pores in some capacity. And I don't mean

36:23

toner, I mean like spiritual

36:25

toner, you know, just to like tighten

36:27

it all up, to keep what's

36:29

mine mind and to separate what isn't

36:32

mine.

36:32

And when I've.

36:33

Been with a client for a while, when I get

36:36

home, there's a few things that I always

36:38

must do in order just to bring myself

36:40

back to center.

36:41

Well. Also when I enter into a.

36:43

Client, so home I touch the door gym just

36:45

to remind myself that I'm crossing a

36:47

threshold and I'm going into a place, and

36:50

when I leave, I will also come out. Granted

36:52

I'll be changed by what it is I experience.

36:54

There, but I can leave what's there there.

36:57

So when I get home, I eat salt,

37:00

vinegar, kettle chips.

37:01

Okay, I know a ritual.

37:04

Love a ritual, and it's like, you know, there's

37:06

no burning, there's no incantations that are happening,

37:09

and your potato chips, and yet we can ristualize

37:11

anything if we're willing, and not for me

37:14

very much is one because the salt and the

37:16

crunch and the bite in my jaw, the vinegar

37:18

just help ground me and my body very quickly,

37:21

because it's like this is mine. Also,

37:23

I take a bath and

37:25

I sit in the tub as the water drains

37:27

out of it to wash, watch

37:30

it wash away all the things that are

37:32

not mine to carry, because some

37:34

of them are just mine to hold with them for a while,

37:36

but they're not mine to carry, and so I can just

37:39

watch it go down the drain.

37:42

Do you is there any do you just

37:44

take a regular bath, like just regular bath?

37:47

Do you put anything in it, or are there any smells

37:49

that you prefer? It depends on

37:51

how tired I am.

37:52

But sometimes I make these little

37:55

baggies of roast petals and

37:57

have some salt and as

38:00

lavender eucalyptus and do Terra's

38:02

balance. I would use

38:04

those for a while, But also just

38:06

really depends.

38:07

Okay, okay, I kind

38:10

of skipped all over this because I got excited about

38:12

the book. Tell the people who

38:14

you are, I apologize.

38:15

Oh sure. My name is Abela Arthur

38:18

death Doulah. I'm a writer. I

38:21

guess I'm an author. I'm a

38:23

speaker.

38:24

Yes you are, thank you. Absolutely.

38:26

It's difficult, you know, I don't think of myself as a writer

38:28

necessarily, but I've written this book

38:30

that is now out in the world's been published.

38:32

I get to call myself an author. Yiha.

38:35

I am a teacher.

38:37

I teach death Doulah's Training

38:39

Students offer a lot

38:42

of operations and opportunities

38:45

for people to engage with theirmortality Going with

38:47

Grace, which is an end of life organization

38:50

and of which I'm the founder.

38:52

Yes, yeah, and I'm a human.

38:53

I'm a daughter, I'm a lover, I'm a gemini, I'm

38:55

a Pisces moon.

38:57

I'm a Scorpio moon. Yeah over in

39:00

a libra soun wow, so double double

39:04

yeah. Actually I'm Scorpio dominant. It's

39:07

kind of balanced Scorpio and Libra, but I'm

39:11

the Libra and me keeps the Scorpio

39:13

in me.

39:13

Kind beautiful, well done, well

39:16

done, well done.

39:18

Okay, how did you get

39:20

here? I got here?

39:22

Well, I'm still trying to figure that out.

39:24

But when I look backwards, what I see

39:26

is that I practiced law at the Legal Aid

39:28

Foundation of Los Angeles for about

39:30

ten years, working in government

39:33

benefits, helping folks that have been kicked

39:35

off of benefits, to food stamps, to welfare

39:37

get their benefits back. I transitioned

39:39

after a while into domestic violence work

39:42

and sexual assault work, and then after

39:44

a.

39:44

While it was a lot, It was very intense.

39:47

And then I worked in community economic development,

39:50

helping people start low income or i'll

39:52

start on nonprofits and low income neighborhoods,

39:55

and the work just got to be to the point

39:57

where I couldn't manage it anymore. I

39:59

was instantly frustrated and angered

40:01

and sadden like really broken

40:04

about the systems that seemed to

40:06

only keep people in the same

40:08

position that they've been in. It's like the design

40:10

of the system would keep poor people poor, and I could not

40:13

understand, and there seemed to be nothing

40:15

we could do to help people get out of this circumstances

40:18

and situations.

40:18

It broke my heart. And also, I think,

40:20

just the way.

40:21

I'm built, like, I'm not a very good lawyer.

40:23

I wasn't a very good lawyer. But I wanted to

40:25

sit with my clients. I wanted to talk about their

40:27

fear, trauma and their pain and life

40:30

and hold their hand and be like, oh, what is up?

40:32

Like what are we doing? Still? You know what I mean? Yeah? How can

40:34

we get out of this? Girl? What do you need me to do? I am I

40:36

try to help you.

40:37

Also, what did you see in your family that got you here?

40:39

What do you believe about women and men and children

40:41

and the whole nine?

40:42

But that's not what I was there to do. So it

40:44

was tricky.

40:45

It was challenging for me, and depression

40:48

grew because it just got much, much

40:50

much harder to justify what I was doing

40:52

in this scenario where I wasn't being

40:54

my fullest self. I didn't feel authentically

40:57

like me, I wasn't using my gifts I was

40:59

just wasting away on some level,

41:02

and wasting away for like no dollars too.

41:04

I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand

41:06

some people certainly trade authenticity

41:09

for a dollar, but it's not really

41:11

in my.

41:11

Makeup to do so.

41:13

So I was broke, and I was also

41:15

not in my full authenticity, which just wasn't working

41:17

out. And through

41:20

that depression, I took a medical leave

41:22

of absence because it got

41:24

so intense. And during

41:26

that leave of absence, through a lot of serendipity

41:28

and synchronicity, I ended up in Cuba,

41:31

where I met a fellow traveler

41:33

on a bus who had using cancer, and

41:35

we talked a lot about her life, and

41:37

then we started talking about her death, and

41:40

I was surprised by what I heard.

41:42

I was surprised to hear.

41:44

That she didn't have people to talk to about

41:46

her mortality because when she would bring

41:48

it up, people would tell her to focus on healing

41:51

and have hope rather than sit with the reality

41:53

that one day she was going to die, even if this

41:55

disease is not the thing that killed her. During

41:58

that bus ride, I also started

42:00

thinking about my mortality, and

42:02

this is when the ideas about me dying

42:04

from depression came up, because

42:07

depression can be a life limiting illness

42:09

when it's left untreated, for many people

42:11

in fact, and so I really started to think

42:13

about my disease and that capacity, and

42:15

then started to think about my depression and

42:17

my life. And I thought, well, if

42:20

this depression kills me, this is not the life

42:22

that I want it. I want more,

42:24

I want different out of my life. And so I'm

42:27

not going to say I vowed to make a difference and make a

42:29

change, because that's not necessarily true. But

42:31

it was like the veil was lifted, and all of a sudden

42:34

I got to see my life very quinsy clearly

42:36

through the lens of my mortality. And that's

42:38

been the lens that I keep trying to put in front

42:40

of other people and also keep for

42:42

myself as I carry on with my life.

42:45

I love that.

43:00

It was interesting when you

43:04

were on the bus when you met Jess.

43:06

You guys need to just read the book, like at the

43:08

end of the day, go by it. First of all, go by

43:10

it because she's black, Yeah,

43:14

go by it. Second of all, I

43:16

don't care if you're black or if you're not, You're

43:19

gonna die. So it might be

43:21

of assistance to you. All people die,

43:23

and I always say this thing. You

43:25

know, when I was dealing

43:28

with my grandmother transitioning, I

43:30

would always, you know, say to my aunt because

43:32

you know, I mean it's her mother. She took it

43:35

pretty I mean we all did. I would

43:37

say, living is how

43:39

we earn the right to die, Like that's

43:42

a right that God gives us because

43:45

it's a part of living.

43:48

So so like that's a different

43:50

way to look at it. And she would always look at me like me

43:52

and this, girls, shut the fuck

43:54

up. I want to hear about that. I missed my mama and

43:57

I get that, like I fundamentally understand

44:00

that.

44:00

I get it.

44:01

It makes all the sense in the world, but like

44:03

it's the truth. And I think like listening

44:05

to that and thinking about that it helped

44:09

me to stay grounded. And

44:11

I remember in the book when you

44:13

were talking to Jess and I felt

44:15

really sad for her when she said

44:18

I want to be a writer, and that's when the quill

44:21

pin tattoo made sense and she

44:23

wanted to start a blog, and you were just like,

44:25

okay, all right, we'll start the blogs.

44:27

Just do whatever it is you want to do, because like

44:30

you know, you are in control

44:33

of what you are in control of.

44:35

You're not in control of when you're gonna

44:37

die. But while you're here,

44:40

let's make the most of it. I'm

44:43

curious about like your client tele what

44:46

do they look like? Are they predominantly

44:50

what predominantly

44:55

white? Wealthy?

44:59

Some?

45:00

I mean I certainly worked on a citing scale

45:02

and given away a lot of services

45:04

because people meet them.

45:06

It was necessary. Yeah, necessary.

45:09

That was one of the questions that I That was one of the

45:11

questions that I specifically

45:13

thought of, and I wanted to make sure

45:16

that I ask is basically

45:18

and we'll get to that, but like, how

45:20

do you make sure that this is? Because it

45:23

from what I feel from you, because

45:25

I can I tend to be a bit empathic. What

45:28

I feel from you is that you are very thoughtful,

45:30

You are very loving, and also

45:33

because of your own mental illness, you are

45:35

very thoughtful

45:40

is the first word that I think of. But thoughtful

45:42

and aware of

45:44

the fact that you

45:47

will share your gift UH

45:49

to other people and you want other people to have access,

45:52

so you know, my question would be like, how

45:54

do you allow access for

45:57

people who may not you know, have

45:59

because I would have managine I'm not. Of course,

46:01

I'm not going to ask you about like what does this cost,

46:03

because that's ghetto and poor. I would never have that

46:05

then and not get poor

46:07

in the stereotypical way, Like I think

46:09

it's ghetto to ask people about their money in their

46:12

politics and like things like that. But

46:14

like, how

46:16

do they how do you provide

46:18

a space where they have access, because I would

46:20

imagine that you would definitely do that so

46:23

that it's inclusive for people

46:25

of of course, all races, all

46:28

genders, all sexual orientations,

46:31

socioeconomic statuses, et

46:34

cetera. It's mixed. It's definitely

46:36

mixed.

46:36

I say predominantly white because I think

46:38

of more of the people that

46:41

come for end of life planning.

46:42

Services or white folks.

46:43

Yeah, and yet when I think of folks

46:46

that I sat with at the bedside or people

46:48

that are dying, they look like everything.

46:50

Mostly because what's.

46:52

Happened over time is that I've

46:54

been able to make enough money serving

46:56

a certain percentage of the population that

46:59

it doesn't matter what else I do, you know

47:01

what I mean, And so I'm choosing to spend more

47:03

time there. And also I'll say that

47:06

all the services that we offer at Going with Grace

47:09

there's always a tier of service, or there's

47:11

always some aspects of the

47:13

service that costs a lot of money, and then there's also an

47:15

element of it that is free, and then there's things

47:17

in between so that people can access the information.

47:20

I don't believe this to be proprietary at all.

47:22

It belongs to all of us.

47:23

We should all have functional death literacy,

47:25

and you shouldn't have to pay for it to get it.

47:28

I love that and it kind of makes me want

47:31

to cry a little bit, and you know, I'm a crier,

47:33

so it comes out, it comes out. But

47:35

I think that that's beautiful because when I think

47:37

about like our

47:40

community, and when I say our community, I just mean

47:43

people that you know, look like us, and when

47:45

we think about death, it

47:48

tends to be very like regimented.

47:52

It's going to look a certain way. We're going to have a repass

47:55

people. Somebody might pick a color. Everybody

47:57

wear pink, everybody wear green, every

48:00

blue place.

48:03

Listen, black people, we

48:05

are gonna have a color coordinated function.

48:10

And it's so funny because like I don't

48:12

think people understand like the connection

48:14

that Black Americans and Africans

48:17

have, Like this ship has to be like

48:20

in our DNA because we're

48:23

gonna have an outfit on and everybody's

48:25

gonna wear the outfit. When my grandmother

48:27

passed away, everybody gotta wear some pink.

48:30

Okay, cool, I'm a weir pink. That's fine.

48:33

But I

48:35

I lost my train thought because I always do. It's

48:38

okay, it'll come back, But I feel

48:40

like you. It

48:43

makes me happy to hear that you do offer

48:46

something for so many different people because

48:49

there's no access. I remember my thought because

48:51

for us, death processes are very regimented.

48:54

It's gonna look a certain way, and then you have the repass.

48:56

You're gonna have meat balls, you're gonna have fried chicken, and

48:58

I have greens. You're gonna have string, you have macaroni

49:00

and cheese, you have rolls. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna

49:02

sing. Then you're gonna go home. And then he said it, yeah,

49:05

you and somebody's gonna be playing soft.

49:07

Jazz in the back.

49:08

It's gonna be some soft jazz from saxophones

49:11

in the back. Yes,

49:14

somebody's gonna get up at the funeral. You're gonna tell

49:16

them that uncle so and so and so and so, you

49:18

got two minutes. They're gonna take ten minutes, Like

49:20

it's the They're gonna have all these pictures in the in

49:23

the obituary, but one

49:25

with the clouds. Always that's

49:28

what they do because that's where they are, in

49:30

the clouds, Baby Jesus,

49:33

in the heaven of That's where they are. Yeah,

49:35

that's where it is. But I love

49:37

that you are providing a space where

49:39

you are able to introduce different

49:41

options because and

49:44

especially even around

49:46

do you offer like

49:49

even before we even get to this place, like if

49:51

I just want to figure out how to deal

49:53

with the grief that I'm dealing

49:55

with from losing my grandparents, just

49:58

growing Going with Great have like classes

50:03

or anything for people

50:06

who have lost like family members who have lost

50:08

maybe not people that have worked with you,

50:10

but people who may have lost someone, or

50:13

how to prepare for your own mortality. Can you tell

50:15

me a little bit about some of the services

50:17

you offer? Absolutely, in my mind, I was just

50:19

like, Okay, she's a death dueler. She prepares for

50:21

this, got it. But when it comes

50:23

to Going with Grace,

50:25

which is the company that you founded, what kind

50:28

of services do you offer?

50:29

We offer services for three different buckets

50:31

of folks. I'll say generally, First, it's people

50:34

that are curious about integrating mortality

50:36

into their everyday life to see what they have to learn

50:38

from it. And there we have a

50:40

course called the Living Practice. It's really

50:42

an offering that it's thirty days

50:45

of your life to think about the end of it, essentially

50:47

where you get a question every day that

50:49

deepens your relationship to your own life.

50:51

It's very very very little about your death

50:53

it self, or rather has to do with how you're

50:55

living. We have death meditations,

50:58

we have a work shops that are available.

51:01

There's one coming up on May fourth called

51:03

Awakening. It's like a three hour meditative

51:05

space where we get to see what you really value.

51:07

And what your priorities are.

51:09

And then we have a bucket of service

51:11

for people that are interested in becoming doulas

51:13

themselves or interested in supporting

51:15

community members in this work, because

51:18

most of us will serve as a doula

51:20

at some point, because somebody

51:22

in our lives will die and will be the ones that are

51:24

primary caring for them and are

51:26

sharing them through So most of us will do this work

51:29

even if you're not somebody who wants to do it professionally.

51:32

And then also when people need direct services

51:35

we have all these duels. We've trained over twenty

51:37

five hundred and seventeen countries so far.

51:40

That is amazing. There's a lot of folks so far.

51:42

Yeah, you're what I consider

51:44

a baddy sis. Thank you. Baty on

51:46

Instagram is a little different,

51:48

but I think it's so amazing

51:50

that you are doing such beautiful work.

51:53

And I think that some people, when they would think

51:55

about it, would think about that it's so heavy

51:57

and it's so dark and it's deaf. But you

51:59

have and I said this before we

52:02

started recording, but people

52:04

would hear this and think about shadow

52:07

work or think about like the darkness.

52:09

There's a light I feel like you

52:11

bring to this kind of work.

52:34

Okay, So for today's straight facts

52:37

question, friends and can.

52:40

Listen.

52:40

I had to drink some tea on that one because this is something

52:43

else, so I'm gonna go

52:45

straight to it. It says I

52:48

got a scenario for you, and it's not an overnight

52:50

scenario. That's on Rare Essence

52:53

shut out to DC and go Go music

52:55

and Rare Essence. Two

52:58

friends that have been friends for twenty five years.

53:01

One is a nurse that works at a clinic. Her

53:03

name is Ronda, and the other one is a banking

53:05

manager. Linda, the banking

53:08

manager has met a new man that she finally can

53:10

see herself building a life with and is

53:12

happy after twelve weeks of dating.

53:14

Twelve weeks friends and ken is what three months?

53:17

So three months.

53:18

Linda and Ronda haven't talked in a while due to life

53:20

and dating, so the two of them meet up for

53:22

brunch to catch up, and Linda was telling Ronda about

53:24

her new boo and insisted that they

53:26

all should meet later in the week for drinks. They

53:29

left brunch and set a time to meet up

53:31

later in the week for

53:33

drinks. Okay, A few days came around

53:36

and they all meet up for drinks. Ronda arrived

53:38

first, patiently waiting for Linda and

53:40

her Buddha arrive. Linda

53:43

pulls up with her boo and Ronda looks

53:46

and she sees she

53:48

looks like she saw a ghost. She recognized

53:50

Linda's new boo from the clinic and she knows

53:53

of his HIV positive status.

53:56

What should Ronda do risk her career

53:58

and violate Linda's spooze? Hippo writes

54:01

by disclosing his disclosing his HIV

54:03

he said it's to Linda or just let her find

54:05

out on her own. And this

54:07

is from Jamal, and Jamal

54:10

is writing from Durham, North

54:12

Carolina. Man, oh

54:15

man, this is

54:17

aggressive. What

54:20

is the game plan? Okay,

54:22

what is the game plan? This is crazy.

54:25

He's got some soul searching the too.

54:27

Indeed, and do listen

54:31

one more time.

54:32

He's got some soul searching the tooth. That

54:35

is aggressive, dude.

54:38

I wouldn't even know what to do, Oh

54:40

my gosh. So I'm sure

54:42

that you have to sign something or you take some kind

54:44

of oath when you become a nurse or a

54:47

doctor or a nurse practitioner or medical

54:51

or anybody in the medical field, because I wouldn't

54:54

care if you were a medical assistant or uh

54:56

what you were. But I

55:01

don't know. I would have to I would have to talk

55:03

to Ronda. If Ronda was my good

55:05

friend, I would

55:08

have to talk to Ronda. Ronda wasn't my fucking

55:10

good friend, Like I would not

55:12

be able to do. I would not,

55:14

in good conscience or

55:18

in good consciousness keep

55:21

that one from her. But

55:24

on the flip side, how

55:26

do you know that Ronda doesn't already know? Like

55:29

people date people with HIV,

55:32

herpes and HPV

55:35

people, and people tell them

55:37

like everybody does not keep

55:39

it a secret. So there's no there's

55:41

no guarantee that he hasn't had this conversation

55:44

with her. There's also no guarantee that

55:46

he has. Okay, uh

55:49

but ooh, this is sticky, and it's sticky

55:51

because they've

55:54

been friends for twenty five years. Listen, you

55:58

know this is why I'm not nurse

56:01

or doctor because I'm telling my friend

56:03

I ain't doing this to her.

56:05

Uh huh.

56:07

But I would have to tell her. I would have to figure out

56:09

a way to tell her without

56:13

telling her, you know what I mean.

56:16

I would have to tell her in

56:18

a way like I would have to

56:20

be slick, Like I would have to really think

56:23

and put on my Pinky's

56:26

daughter hat.

56:29

I would really have to be slick.

56:31

And figure out how I'm

56:34

going to tell her because

56:38

I would not feel right

56:41

if I didn't at least make her

56:43

aware. I may not tell her

56:45

of his status, like I might not come out

56:48

right and just be like, oh yo boo

56:50

got HIV. But I may

56:53

have a conversation that leads

56:55

her to thinking about testing

56:58

or leads her to talking

57:01

about HIV with

57:04

me, and just you

57:06

know, like I might just ask for like, girl, y'all have

57:08

been tested. You know you're talking about being in life,

57:10

whim y'all been tested? You might want to

57:13

I would definitely do that. I would definitely

57:15

do that, Yes, indeed, I would. This

57:18

is tricky because it also, like

57:20

like you said, it violates

57:22

his hippowrites. So I would just

57:24

be very careful and I would work around

57:28

the hipo violation and just have a conversation

57:31

and try to get into her stream of consciousness about

57:34

making sure that you're aware of everything about him.

57:36

That's probably what I would do. But this is tricky.

57:39

By b M. I

57:43

do not envy

57:45

miss Linda. Is that Linda?

57:47

No Ronda?

57:48

I don't envy Ronda should I don't envy

57:51

Linda either, because I mean, you

57:53

know I don't. All

57:59

right, So, friends and ken you know

58:01

I'm on this book Black Liturgies. I

58:03

am, and I have been for the past

58:05

few episodes because it

58:07

is in my bones. And I

58:10

have bought this book for about

58:13

six women because

58:16

I feel like I

58:18

want everybody to have it. I want all black

58:20

people to have this book. I cannot

58:23

afford to buy them for all black people,

58:25

So then there's that I can't afford

58:28

that. But when I talk to people

58:30

about it, if I

58:32

talked to him and there's a glimmer of interests,

58:35

then I send it to them. And

58:37

I have been it's like my I'm

58:39

doing the work of God. Okay, over here,

58:41

I'm doing God's work over here, guys, Jesus,

58:44

Jesus, Jesus. So this

58:48

excerpt is from the chapter

58:50

on calling and excuse

58:54

me, and

58:57

it's titled It's a prayer, and it's entitled

59:00

for those who are looking for a sign. Let

59:02

me tell you something. I think I mentioned this.

59:08

I think I mentioned this in

59:11

episode eighty

59:15

eight. I

59:18

think it was eighty eight. It was the anniversary

59:20

episode, the four year anniversary episode,

59:23

and I talked about my spring break

59:25

trip, and

59:27

I believe I talked about going

59:29

out on the balcony of

59:31

my hotel facing the

59:34

water and saying

59:36

a prayer, and in two hours, God

59:39

said, okay, Sis, you want me to send you

59:42

a sign, no problem, I got one for you,

59:44

and he rocked

59:46

my socks. So I

59:48

want to share that prayer with you because I

59:51

want you to hear

59:54

it, because I feel like it's a powerful prayer if

59:57

you are intentional, how

1:00:00

you use it and

1:00:05

you know, I'm not a gatekeeper. I

1:00:07

am a gatekeeper about perfume and a fragrance

1:00:09

though, but I'm not a gatekeeper about

1:00:12

healing at all. So I

1:00:15

want people to heal, and I definitely

1:00:18

want black people to get to healing

1:00:21

as best they can. So I want to share this

1:00:23

prayer with you. I will say it is very

1:00:25

powerful if you use it intentionally. Trust

1:00:28

me, it's extremely powerful. Okay,

1:00:31

So

1:00:33

let us pray God,

1:00:36

who shows I need a sign?

1:00:38

However, sincere my discernment, it seems

1:00:41

like clarity continues to evade me.

1:00:43

God, how will I know?

1:00:45

In the absence of firm assurance, This

1:00:47

lack of confidence pulls me here and there

1:00:49

like a leash. I feel like I read

1:00:52

this already, but I'm

1:00:54

going to flow with it because this is what God said

1:00:57

I was supposed to do. I feel like I read

1:00:59

it on that episode, did

1:01:01

I? Anyway?

1:01:03

Excuse me? Let us start over, God,

1:01:06

who shows I need a sign? However,

1:01:08

sincere my discernment, it seems like clarity

1:01:11

continues to evade me. God,

1:01:13

how will I know? And the absence

1:01:16

of firm assurance, this lack of confidence

1:01:18

pulls me here and there like a

1:01:20

leash. Remind me that many

1:01:22

things can be good at once. But

1:01:25

if there's an answer that is most right

1:01:27

for me in this season, reveal it

1:01:29

to me. Help me to have compassion

1:01:31

for myself as I name my uncertainty.

1:01:34

Show me what it means to be a person of both

1:01:36

conviction and openness. That

1:01:39

I might gain the courage to act

1:01:41

and decide even when it feels

1:01:43

like a risk. May I find

1:01:46

divine affirmation on

1:01:48

the path to self trust.

1:01:52

Amen, and a shay

1:01:54

And so it is so, Jesus.

1:01:58

Jesus, Jesus.

1:02:04

The first thing that I would like to say is

1:02:06

thank you to God, because God

1:02:09

is supreme and I recognize and

1:02:11

appreciate the grace that God extends me every

1:02:13

day of this black ass life

1:02:15

that I live all the time,

1:02:17

every day, three hundred and sixty five days

1:02:20

a year, twenty four to seven. I

1:02:22

want to say thank you to

1:02:24

my people. I want to say thank

1:02:26

you to each and every one of you that have been

1:02:29

rocking with me since day one, that's March

1:02:31

the first of twenty twenty. I

1:02:33

appreciate you, I thank you, and I'm

1:02:35

grateful you

1:02:37

being here, even if you just started listening

1:02:39

today. I'm grateful

1:02:41

for that as well. Either way you cut it up, I

1:02:44

am grateful and appreciative

1:02:46

of your presence with

1:02:49

me, your time, and your energy.

1:02:52

I appreciate it in your ear.

1:02:54

I'm thankful for my family, my friends,

1:02:57

my friends, and ken Who

1:02:59

are you guys, because

1:03:03

I feel like if you listen to this show, and especially

1:03:05

if you listen regularly, if

1:03:08

we ain't friends, we can And that's just how it

1:03:10

goes. All of my supporters, and of

1:03:12

course, most importantly, every single one of you guys

1:03:14

out there listening.

1:03:15

As I said, I.

1:03:15

Love y'all so much and it is nothing

1:03:18

short of an honor to share my time

1:03:20

and energy with you, especially if

1:03:22

you keep coming back to spend time with me. I

1:03:25

look forward to the next time that we get to do this

1:03:27

with one another, which will be next Tuesday.

1:03:29

Now, before you exit out of whatever

1:03:31

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1:04:36

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1:04:44

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1:05:07

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1:05:12

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1:05:15

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1:05:18

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1:05:20

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and the Thirty Throats and just

1:05:25

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1:05:28

I look forward to you guys,

1:05:30

looking forward to listening and to

1:05:33

me Mimi Walker and Hand Me my

1:05:35

Purse the podcast each and every Tuesday,

1:05:37

and I'm out this bitch peace.

1:05:50

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