0:00

Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart

0:02

Podcasts. So as I

0:04

was perusing to Sheena Arnold's Internet,

0:07

I found this. I

0:09

don't know where I found it. I did not

0:11

document that, So shout

0:15

out to whoever this belongs to.

0:20

It reads.

0:21

Anything that is meant for you will

0:24

naturally find its way into

0:26

your life. Anything that

0:28

is not meant for you, we'll

0:30

find a way to leave. Let

0:33

things come and go, and

0:36

trust that every redirection

0:38

is leading you to something better.

0:43

And that's it. That

0:46

is completely

0:50

and absolutely all there

0:52

is to say about that.

1:10

I can't

1:13

see the thing.

1:15

Okay, what's up, y'all? Welcome to Hand Me My

1:17

Purse the podcast.

1:19

I'm MEI Walker, and I will be here forever host

1:21

each and every single time that

1:23

you tune into this

1:26

podcast. Will go ahead and get comfortable.

1:28

Get yourself a glass of your favored

1:32

beverage, whether that's room temperature

1:34

bottle of water from some fancy

1:36

spring in the Polynesian Islands, some

1:39

orchata yea, a

1:43

hot cup of coffee with oat milk

1:45

and hazelnuts syrup, or just

1:47

a simple glass of bourbon

1:50

on the rocks with a splash of lemonade.

1:52

Sounds kind of tasty, go like

1:55

yourself a candle, some incense, or

1:57

burn some sad and just get ready

1:59

to chill out and have yourself

2:01

a good time. What's

2:12

up, friends and ken, it's me and me, Resident Auntie Supreme

2:14

here and hand me my purse. And

2:17

today I am sipping on some

2:20

highbiscus tea. You know that's a fave

2:22

of mine, Lavender

2:24

and camomeal probiotics tea.

2:27

And that is because today I went out with two

2:29

of my gentlemen friends.

2:30

And I literally.

2:33

Mean that I was

2:35

trying to say literally, it didn't come out that way.

2:37

It sounded like a little lit holy, But

2:40

I literally mean that they are both

2:42

platonic friends of mine, that are men,

2:45

gentlemen, kind, sweet,

2:48

thoughtful men that are

2:50

my friends. People often think that, you

2:53

know, there cannot be a healthy friendship

2:55

or relationship between a man and a woman

2:58

that isn't sexual or is a

3:00

coal or just downright nasty

3:03

in some nature, and that is completely wrong.

3:05

If you're both mature, it

3:07

can happen. And so anyway, I went out with

3:09

one of my friends, shut out to my homeboy Usuf,

3:14

and then as we were

3:16

about to depart, after we got

3:19

something to eat, my

3:22

very very very close friend.

3:25

Shout out to my friend Tyron. I love you, you

3:27

crazy little light eyed nut.

3:33

He is one of my closest friends in the whole wide

3:35

world. He called me and told me that he was in

3:38

the city. Uh and he lives about forty

3:40

five minutes away. So then

3:42

we met up and hung out, and it was good to see

3:44

him because I hadn't seen him. It was good to see both of

3:46

them because I haven't seen either one of them

3:48

in a few months. The weather was nice

3:51

today. It was a beautiful day. Anyway,

3:54

my bad back to why I'm drinking the tea in the

3:56

first place. Stick So,

3:58

over the course of the day, I had a bit of

4:00

alcohol today,

4:03

and I had some ice cream. I had some

4:05

fried lobster tenders, Brussels

4:08

sprouts with hot honey and liquid feta

4:10

and garlic truffle fries. So naturally,

4:15

naturally, yeah,

4:18

I had that. Uh

4:21

yeah, it was a lot happening.

4:23

You know.

4:23

I was having a good time. I was having

4:26

a good time with my friends. Uh

4:28

So naturally, I just need to do some course correction.

4:31

And I'm drinking high biscus

4:33

tea because it's really good for when

4:37

you consume too much salt or

4:39

when you drink sodium, I mean when you have too

4:41

much sodium in your system or sodium

4:44

in your bloodstream. And lavender

4:46

camomeal tea with probiotics because Doug

4:48

Gut health and I am

4:50

not always good with digesting

4:53

the lactose or

4:55

the milks, so I definitely

4:57

need to do that. I'm also drinking a lot of water because

5:00

I'm trying to flush all of this side of

5:02

my system. Today was just

5:04

a full day. Tomorrow, I'm going back to eating

5:06

my salads and my skier, which

5:08

is an icelandic yogurt. It's so fucking

5:11

good, but anyway, and green

5:13

drink and green drinks and smoothies

5:15

and protein shakes and fruit. I'm going

5:18

back to that because I went hammer time today.

5:20

I ain't even gonna lie.

5:22

That's a toad night.

5:29

Friends that came forward today's jam.

5:32

I chose a song by Nirvana,

5:35

and I came to this because I was

5:37

on the internet doing something and

5:39

I saw a quote by Kurt Cobain

5:42

that I really really liked, and I said,

5:44

you know, I should use this quote for

5:47

we got to do better. And I said, nope, I'm not going to

5:49

do that because I have a process,

5:52

but I said, you know what, let me make

5:55

the jam a Nirvana song. I love

5:57

Nirvana. And

5:59

so if you don't know who Nirvana is, you

6:03

could be too young, or you could be too

6:05

old. You're probably not

6:07

of Generation X. You

6:11

probably didn't grow up in the nineties,

6:14

and I mean grow up in the nineties, like in

6:16

high school in the nineties. But

6:19

anyway, I chose Come as You Are as

6:21

one of my faves. And I

6:24

love this song because I love the

6:26

lyrics. I love the lyrics, I love the music,

6:29

I love the way he sings it, I love the arrangement,

6:32

I love the melody. And

6:36

I'm going to read some of the lyrics. And you know,

6:38

of course the song is going to play, but I wanted

6:40

to read some of them for you. Come

6:42

as you are, as you were, as

6:45

I want you to be, as a friend,

6:47

as a friend, as an old enemy.

6:50

Take your time, hurry up. The

6:52

choice is yours. Don't be late, take

6:54

a rest, as a friend, as

6:57

an old memory. I'm

6:59

assuming memory is some kind of Latin

7:01

word for memory.

7:05

Then he says, come dowsed in mud,

7:08

soaked in bleach, as I want you

7:10

to be, as a trend, as

7:13

a friend as an old

7:15

memory. It's not that long of a song,

7:18

not a lot of words. There are a couple more, but go

7:20

ahead and just listen to it and get into

7:22

it. I

7:25

cannot remember if I

7:27

made this song a

7:30

jam before, like many many moons

7:32

ago, I can't remember. But

7:34

if I did, get into it again, how about that.

7:37

The truth of the matter is that one day I'm

7:39

gonna sit down and I'm gonna go through all

7:42

of my prior episodes before

7:45

season four, because this is season four, all

7:48

of my prior episodes season

7:51

Did I just say episodes?

7:55

Boy?

7:56

What in the world is that? All

7:59

of my episodes? Okay?

8:02

And I am going to

8:05

create a playlist of

8:09

seasons one through three.

8:14

The playlist will be It'll

8:16

have fifty songs or forty

8:18

nine songs of

8:21

every jam that I've had for seasons

8:23

one through three, so

8:26

that I can reference them

8:28

so that I know if I am repeating them. But

8:30

anyway, I've talked enough,

8:32

get into this song. It is a

8:35

jam for this episode, but it is also my

8:38

jam period. And

8:41

then let's go ahead and get into this show.

8:43

Let's get this porty story

8:45

takes.

9:09

Jay, what's

9:15

up? Friends? And Ken?

9:17

It is me Mimi Walker,

9:20

and I'm here with one of my

9:23

very very good friends and friend

9:25

of the show. She's been a guest

9:27

on the show before. Her name is uh

9:31

what you can introduce yourself.

9:33

What's your name?

9:34

My name is Ebanie Vaughn.

9:37

Okay, Ebanie Vaughn.

9:39

Ebanie Vaughn is

9:42

a very good friend of mine.

9:43

Ebanie. Why don't you tell the people who

9:47

you are? Okay?

9:50

So, I am a

9:53

licensed therapist. I

9:55

am a school

9:57

social worker, and I own

10:01

a mental health practice in the Baltimore

10:03

County area. I work

10:06

with children, adults, and families,

10:09

helping them to gain freedom, freedom

10:12

from what mental health

10:14

challenges.

10:15

Okay, because sometimes

10:17

mental health challenges I

10:20

know. I can't speak for anybody else, but I know for me,

10:22

sometimes they do feel like they have you

10:24

locked up.

10:26

Yeah, yeah, bound

10:28

even right?

10:30

Yes, yes, yes. So I am

10:32

a trauma therapist, so

10:34

I do a lot of work in trauma

10:37

and also working helping people

10:40

to navigate anxiety, depression,

10:42

and other mental health disorders.

10:45

Okay, okay,

10:49

Ebany is the kind of

10:51

friend that is so

10:54

helpful for me because I

10:56

tend to, oh, don't do that.

10:58

You already know that.

11:02

Because I tend to overthink and

11:05

ebony is very She's one of the

11:07

coolest people I know.

11:10

And cool.

11:11

Yeah, I mean you always say, oh that

11:14

you're boring and you're not cool, but

11:16

you are literally the coolest person, one

11:18

of the coolest people that I know, in that you don't

11:22

let a lot of external

11:25

factors affect how

11:27

you navigate your life. Like you

11:30

don't get thrown off

11:32

of course much. Now. It does happen,

11:35

you know, I mean, you're a human being, so it happens.

11:37

I've seen habit, but you

11:39

don't allow things on a regular

11:42

basis to take you off course. So when I say cool,

11:44

I literally mean like you're cool

11:46

in that you're very cool, calm

11:49

and collected. I

11:52

haven't seen you like riddled with anxiety.

11:56

I haven't seen you with any extreme emotion.

12:00

I have seen you cry a couple of times, so yes,

12:03

but no extreme emotion like

12:05

extreme anger or maybe extreme

12:08

annoyance. I've seen you annoyed people

12:10

before, but like nothing, you

12:12

know what I mean. Like, I've seen you really

12:15

happy, but I've never seen you, you

12:17

know, be affected by someone so much

12:19

that it takes you like off of your seat

12:21

or off of your throne. And I just made

12:23

that up. If we're all considered royalty.

12:26

To have somebody take you off your throne for

12:28

a moment. I've never seen that happen to you, and that happens

12:30

to me a lot, and

12:34

sometimes it's me, and

12:36

so.

12:37

It is awesome.

12:39

I haven't had you on the show in a really long time. I

12:41

wanted to have you on the show because we were talking

12:43

one day in your office and we were

12:45

talking about I

12:48

always talk about how when people

12:50

are inauthentic, it

12:52

really like it does something

12:54

to me sometimes like it sometimes

12:57

physically I have like a response

12:59

to it, like right, And

13:03

we were talking about something. We were talking about people

13:05

lying to themselves. And

13:08

one of the awesome things about being Ebane's friend

13:10

is that she is a

13:12

minister, right, and

13:14

at any given time, she's

13:17

gonna give you a little sermon, okay, and

13:19

not like not.

13:24

Oh and not like not.

13:27

Like a lord here she goes

13:30

again, but like you know

13:32

what, she was just preaching just a second ago

13:34

and you didn't even realize it.

13:36

Jesus, Jesus. And so.

13:40

We were talking and you went and

13:42

you start, You went and had a sermon, and

13:45

it's like, where's my tambourine, let's

13:47

open eye Bibles because

13:49

Pastor is getting ready to pastor today.

13:52

Okay, And so I

13:54

said, I love this conversation around

13:57

people around self

13:59

deception and inauthenticity

14:03

and disingenuineness and

14:05

just like lying to yourself

14:08

because essentially being inauthentic,

14:11

you are telling the biggest lies

14:15

to you. I mean, of course you're telling

14:17

them to other people and not intentionally, but

14:19

to me, you are telling the biggest lie to

14:22

yourself, and that is that I

14:24

am this person or that I believe

14:26

these things, or that I am this

14:28

way, when in actuality you

14:31

are not. Because

14:33

who really cares about what I

14:35

mean? Not that you should go around lying to people,

14:37

That's not what I'm saying, but like bump

14:39

them other people if

14:41

you are not being truthful with yourself,

14:44

like what you tell other people doesn't even matter?

14:46

Right or no?

14:47

Absolutely? Well?

14:49

Yeah, so where

14:51

does let's get to the root of that a little

14:53

bit?

14:54

Like what is that about?

14:55

Yeah?

14:56

You know, as you were just talking,

14:58

and I love the way you kind of segue into

15:01

that, But what

15:03

I really the words that really

15:06

struck me immediately is

15:09

defensive structures. And I

15:11

think that you know, oftentimes

15:14

when we self deceive, it's

15:17

really about a defense mechanism.

15:19

It's really about us trying

15:21

to create a world

15:24

that we can live with or that we

15:26

can stomach. And so sometimes

15:29

when we go through life and we go through

15:31

challenges, you know, it's something

15:34

real simple, but you know, thinking

15:37

about if you have been

15:39

disappointed in a relationship

15:42

and you say to yourself, I'm not worried

15:44

about that, I'm done with that. It's over.

15:46

I'm not even thinking about that anymore.

15:49

And the minute you say that, you're already

15:51

ruminating. But something tells

15:54

you that you're okay, that I'm

15:56

not thinking about it. It's okay,

15:58

I don't care. And I just think

16:01

that a lot of times, when we do

16:03

it long enough, we begin

16:05

to believe it because it's safe

16:08

in believing it. And so

16:10

you know, and so when I say those defensive

16:13

structures, it's really about

16:15

what we create, I mean, because think

16:17

about it. We experience

16:20

extreme, extremely

16:23

trump you know, extremely traumatic

16:25

events or disappointments

16:27

and relationships, and we have

16:30

to learn how to navigate

16:33

it without falling apart right,

16:36

and sometimes that may require

16:38

us creating a fortress or

16:41

a fortress of lies so

16:43

that we can go day to day, because

16:46

if we don't, it's like I'm falling

16:48

apart every five minutes. So I got to tell

16:50

myself that everything is

16:53

okay or that I'm fine

16:55

when I'm really not. And

16:58

I also think that, you

17:00

know, when you think about a lie,

17:04

sometimes lives are intentional.

17:07

Right, it's more or less like you're deliberate.

17:09

You're saying, I'm being intentionally

17:12

you know, decisive. Yeah,

17:15

But sometimes when you think about

17:17

self deception, it could

17:19

be conscious or it could be unconscious.

17:22

It really depends on our paradigm

17:24

in terms of how we think and

17:27

how we allow ourselves to think,

17:29

you know. So that's the you know, that's the first

17:32

thing that I thought about, those defensive

17:34

structures and why we

17:36

have to self deceit.

17:39

Okay, so you're saying that basically,

17:41

usually it's a defense mechanism for people

17:44

when they are being

17:47

deceptive with themselves. And it's

17:50

interesting that you said that a lot of times

17:52

people do it because it's comfortable.

17:55

It's safe.

17:56

Yeah, it's safe, but is it.

17:59

Well, it's safe in that at

18:02

times it's what you

18:04

tell yourself you know that you

18:06

can survive. And I always

18:09

think about and I'm

18:11

not gonna do a sermon, no,

18:13

but think about.

18:14

The time out what you're not finna do on

18:16

my show.

18:17

Okay, it's censor yourself, okay,

18:20

Mint Evangelists, Yes,

18:23

Vaughn, we're not doing that on this show because

18:26

here at this show, on handing my purse,

18:28

I want these people to experience a little

18:30

I'm very transparent with them.

18:33

I'm often very vulnerable on this show, you

18:35

know. And when I say Ebney is a friend of

18:37

the show, like she listens to it. So it's not

18:39

just like she comes on

18:42

and then she leaves, like.

18:43

We talk about this.

18:44

Ebne has her own podcast and she's

18:47

she got ninety five books. She don't read

18:50

eight thousand books. I don't even understand how

18:52

this woman does this, but she does. She does it

18:54

because she's don't no offense

18:56

to you, evangelist

19:00

Bishop.

19:01

She's a bad bitch.

19:03

Okay, she writes the book, she got

19:05

the business, and she's a good

19:07

and she's a good human.

19:10

Okay, So thank you you are you

19:13

know, I love you.

19:14

So

19:16

So my thing is like, how is it safe

19:18

though? Because is it safe if we

19:21

are not being true to ourselves?

19:23

Well, it feels safe, and

19:26

I think that,

19:28

yeah, I think that feeling isn't

19:31

always our reality,

19:34

but it's what we're comfortable with.

19:36

And I always and the reason why I

19:39

brought up the sermon thing is because I remember

19:42

a year or so I

19:44

taught and one of the things that I talked

19:46

about is how do I get free

19:48

from something that has kept me safe

19:51

all my life? So

19:54

and so and and sometimes

19:57

the lies that we tell ourselves

19:59

the the defensive structure structures

20:02

that we create. These

20:04

are structures that prevents us

20:06

from getting hurt again. It prevents

20:09

us from experiencing the trauma

20:11

or the pain that we may have experienced

20:14

in the past. And so it could

20:16

be, you know, all of a sudden,

20:18

now I'm hard, when I used

20:20

to be warm and fuzzy. You

20:23

know, it could be anything. You know,

20:25

it could be your demeanor, your personality,

20:27

your language, your conversation, and

20:30

all of those things. You know, we

20:33

create so that we can live

20:35

with the memories, so that we can live

20:38

with the trauma that is still stored

20:41

in our bodies. Right. I

20:43

always think about how, you

20:45

know, I tell people all the time, when I was a you

20:47

know, when I was a teenager, I

20:50

was very hard, right, And

20:53

what I mean by that is I

20:55

had this persona like I'm not taking

20:57

no stuff off of nobody. And

20:59

that was first and foremost with guys.

21:02

And you know, if I if

21:04

you know, if thinking like a

21:06

dude was a work, you know, was

21:09

a thing for me, that

21:11

that's what it would be. Why Because

21:13

I was hurt. I was afraid to

21:16

get wounded again or get abandoned

21:19

again. So my thing is hurt first,

21:21

or you're not gonna do this to me, or you're not. So

21:24

I created defensive structures

21:26

and I became something that I was

21:29

not right. And

21:31

and in doing that, you

21:33

know, I have lied

21:35

to myself at times, telling myself,

21:37

I don't care, it didn't bother

21:40

me. You know, I'm gonna do this.

21:42

I'm you know, all of these things

21:44

that I think, you know, like I'm

21:46

gonna say what's on my mind, I don't care, I'm

21:49

you know, all of I created

21:51

this image and this persona that

21:54

wasn't even my authentic self,

21:56

but it was there to protect me

21:59

and to keep me from getting hurt.

22:01

Now do you still get hurt, Sure you

22:03

do, But but the

22:06

level of consciousness we create

22:08

is kind of like, I'm impenetrable.

22:11

This isn't gonna happen to me anymore.

22:13

So I think that's where the self deception

22:16

come in where we you know, because

22:18

of our experiences, because

22:20

of our Trump trauma, we

22:22

become something that we

22:24

weren't designed to be.

22:37

Okay, So here's my question for you.

22:39

Then you said that,

22:42

and I was trying to hold it because I'm working on like

22:44

my therapist tells me that I don't have ADHD,

22:47

but I'm like miss Mama's yes.

22:51

She also said to me before, No.

22:53

You're not depressed, lady. Yes

22:56

I am. I've been in this mental health

22:58

game a long time. Yes I am.

23:01

Something is off. But anyway, so

23:03

I was over here trying to hold what I

23:05

was saying. You said, we

23:08

create these things to protect ourselves

23:11

from getting hurt and to protect ourselves

23:13

from whatever. But I feel

23:15

like and while you were talking and you

23:17

were talking about being hard and saying,

23:20

oh, I don't care or it's not important

23:22

to me or whatever, especially in relationships,

23:25

in romantic relationships and friendships

23:28

and familial relationships, relationships

23:31

with your hairstyle as your nail tech, the mailman,

23:33

whoever. When we are hurt,

23:36

or we are abandoned or rejected or traumatized,

23:39

sometimes we try to dumb our emotions

23:41

and our feelings down, and

23:43

we do that, like you said, sometimes

23:46

it is subconscious. It's just a natural

23:49

or an innate defense mechanism

23:51

that occurs. But the truth

23:53

of the matter is, I feel like, as

23:55

someone who has done this and who has experienced

23:58

this, now that I look back, it kind

24:00

of held me back from

24:02

my own truth though, right, yes,

24:05

And when you hold yourself back

24:07

from your own truth, you can't

24:09

really experience the fullness

24:12

of joy or the fullness of your life

24:14

because you're too busy holding yourself

24:16

back from experience and and feeling anything

24:19

so that you can keep this wall up, or so that you

24:21

can keep this persona up like you're

24:23

not affected or whatever.

24:25

The defensive structure

24:27

I like that.

24:28

It sounds very technical,

24:32

your defensive structure, but whatever

24:34

it is, you keep that up. But you are

24:36

not living a full life because

24:38

you are spending so much time pretending to be

24:40

someone you are not. And I think that

24:42

that it was not until

24:45

this moment that I realized that

24:47

that may be a part of why I

24:50

don't like the

24:52

concept of inauthenticity or

24:55

disingenuousness, or

24:57

being fake or phony one. It costs

25:00

too much, Okay, it costs too

25:02

much time, It

25:04

costs too much of my thinking,

25:07

and more importantly, it takes too much of my energy

25:09

away that I have to worry about

25:12

something that doesn't even really matter, this

25:14

fake person or this illusion

25:16

of who.

25:17

You are or delusion

25:19

of who you are.

25:20

It takes too much time to uphold

25:23

that when if you were

25:25

just being yourself and sitting

25:27

in who you are, the shadow side of

25:29

you, the bright side of you,

25:32

your greatness, your flaws, like

25:34

you don't have to worry about trying

25:36

to put on for somebody, and you can really just

25:39

experience the fullness of life

25:42

and the fullness of joy and the fullness

25:45

of hurt. Because the thing is that

25:47

you can't stop from being

25:49

hurt, Like you can't prevent that.

25:53

Like that's not really how it goes.

25:55

And if you focus on preventing

25:57

that, that was the thought that it came back to me.

26:00

If you focus on trying

26:02

not to be hurt, you won't

26:04

find love either, though. Yeah,

26:08

because you're just so focused on not hurting,

26:10

you're not gonna find that. You're

26:13

not gonna find joy

26:15

because you're so focused on not experiencing

26:18

pain.

26:20

M h am, I right about that? Is

26:22

that?

26:22

Right? Yeah? I'm so

26:24

in agreement with everything you said,

26:26

and I think that, you know, when we

26:29

lie to ourselves, we create,

26:32

you know, and I talked about this defensive structure.

26:34

But the thing is, we have created

26:37

something to protect us from

26:39

the outside, but we're

26:41

stuck in the inside. So it's

26:44

almost like we're imprisoned by

26:46

ourselves. And because

26:49

of that, we become something

26:51

that we're not. And I think that, you

26:54

know, that is totally against

26:57

it is totally against

26:59

our nature. But the other

27:01

thing is we're just surviving. We're

27:04

just you know, trying to

27:06

maintain, trying to

27:08

make it, but we're not thriving.

27:11

And we know now that

27:13

we're you know, and awakened

27:16

people, we understand that the

27:18

more important thing is to thrive

27:20

as opposed to surviving. But

27:22

many of us had to survive.

27:24

Think about the

27:26

the tru you know, extreme traumatic

27:29

events that people have endured

27:32

and what it took for them to

27:35

endure those moments, you know. I

27:38

think about as a clinician, I think about

27:40

dissociative disorder, which

27:42

is multiple personality disorder,

27:44

and they create you

27:47

know, personalities, and

27:49

they create compartment

27:51

you know, they compartmentalize

27:54

aspects of themselves, whether

27:57

it's through alter egos or

28:00

whether it's just through various

28:03

realities, but it came

28:05

from somewhere. They were running

28:07

from something. You understand

28:09

what I'm saying in terms of, you know, having

28:12

to protect themselves from a world

28:15

and you know, not to get to not

28:18

to get too much into this, but you

28:20

know, in working with people who have

28:23

tremendous traumas, you

28:25

know, I've spoken to people who

28:28

you know, maybe they weren't abused

28:30

in the past, and you know, they said

28:32

things to me, you know, like when it

28:35

was happening, you know, I visioned

28:37

or imagined that I was somewhere

28:40

else and you know, and

28:42

because of that, I got

28:44

through that moment. And it's almost

28:47

like I blocked those you

28:49

know, those moments and those experiences

28:53

because of how painful it is.

28:55

Now that is a very extreme

28:58

example of how somebody can dissociate,

29:01

but it's real.

29:02

It makes me

29:05

think of there's a young man at

29:07

our school. It makes me think

29:09

of, you know, the young man who

29:12

sometimes he's there, sometimes he's

29:14

not. Sometimes he checks himself into the

29:17

psych ward and sometimes he checks himself

29:19

out and the condition that he

29:22

has and that and how I

29:25

wonder if.

29:25

There's a connection.

29:26

You know, I be reaching sometimes, you know,

29:28

I be reaching for the moon, okay, and

29:30

overthinking, but is there something connected

29:33

to that where you experience

29:36

trauma or just the way your brain

29:38

is wired, how you can create

29:41

like a whole different world that

29:45

is protecting you and

29:50

you are not like living in reality.

29:54

Absolutely, and guess who. And children

29:56

do it all the time. That's how we

29:59

create our w playworlds and

30:01

O would play lives at two and

30:03

three and four and all of these

30:05

different you know, as young

30:08

children it happens. But then

30:10

as we become adults, you

30:12

know, we are faced with the reality,

30:15

right, and then we're also faced with

30:17

what we have considered the reality.

30:20

And I think that there are vast differences

30:22

between those who struggle

30:25

with mental disorders such as

30:27

dissociative and some of the other

30:29

disorders and those and

30:31

then those who have, you

30:34

know, just created self

30:36

deceptive realities

30:39

to not deal with or to avoid

30:42

feelings. And I think

30:45

that this is so key

30:47

because this is what we talk about

30:50

so much in therapy. It's not so

30:52

much in the work that I do

30:55

with so many people. I don't

30:58

work with too many people who have

31:00

experienced the mental disorder

31:03

of dissociation, but I

31:05

do work with a lot of people

31:08

who have created ways

31:11

of thinking, and they have created

31:14

personas and these

31:16

deceptive descriptions

31:19

of who they are because of what they've

31:22

experienced, whether it's through

31:24

relationships, so whether it's through

31:26

you know, and it could be biological

31:29

relationships or romantic relationships.

31:32

And the biggest, the

31:35

bulk of the therapeutic work

31:37

that we do is to get people

31:40

to a place of self awareness. And

31:43

that is, you know, more times

31:45

than not, the most important

31:47

aspect of any therapeutic

31:49

process, getting you to see

31:52

reality for what it really is

31:54

as opposed to what you've told yourself.

31:57

It is that

32:00

that is the part that you

32:02

know, we you

32:04

know, we have to be honest with And one

32:06

of the things that as therapists, many therapists,

32:09

we focus on and we help people

32:12

to to do and to practice

32:14

daily is own your feelings.

32:17

Don't judge them, but own

32:19

them. Because sometimes when

32:21

we judge our feelings because

32:24

they appear to be harsh, or

32:27

because they appear to be a

32:30

negative have a negative connotation,

32:32

will deny it just so we won't look

32:35

bad. And it's kind of like and

32:37

it's kind of like, no own it, you

32:39

know, it's not about whether it's right

32:42

or wrong. We're not even gonna deal

32:44

with that first. I just want to

32:46

know how you feel.

32:47

Just tell me.

32:48

Let's not yeah, just tell me what it

32:50

is, keep it

32:52

a up, just tell me what it is, and then we can

32:54

work from there. You mentioned self awareness,

32:56

and it says I look something up and it says self

32:59

awareness is the ability need to focus on yourself

33:01

and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions

33:04

do or do not align

33:06

with your internal standards. If

33:08

you're highly self aware, you can objectively

33:11

evaluate yourself, manage your emotions,

33:13

align your behavior with your values, and

33:16

understand correctly how others perceive

33:18

you.

33:19

That's right, absolutely, absolutely.

33:21

So what happens when

33:25

we lack self awareness?

33:27

Like how you were talking about the greatest

33:30

thing in therapy is to get people

33:32

to get to a place of self awareness because

33:34

I would imagine as the clinician or as

33:36

the therapist, until you get to them

33:39

to that place. Like y'all really just

33:41

plan in these sessions, right,

33:43

absolutely? Yeah, Like if

33:45

somebody is coming to you, because I feel

33:47

like therapy is very I

33:50

know it sounds bad to say this because it's a

33:52

good thing that it is, but it's super

33:54

trendy now.

33:56

Which is good.

33:57

It needs to be trendy, especially in this country,

33:59

because people need therapy in this country.

34:02

But I feel like exactly

34:05

what I just said, And I remember having this conversation

34:07

with my aunt, like if you are

34:09

going to therapy and you not telling the truth

34:12

or you not, like what are you talking

34:14

to this lady about? Because if you are not

34:16

going to therapy, and like having a conversation

34:19

and like getting real, like if people

34:21

are not going to therapy. Because

34:23

when I go to therapy, if I

34:26

take my proverbial clothes off, I get naked,

34:28

I'm gonna tell a lady everything.

34:30

I'm gonna tell her about, the.

34:31

Dark thoughts, the happy thoughts, the tears,

34:33

I'm a cry, I'm ana fallout. And you

34:35

know that firsthand when it comes to me. I don't have a

34:37

problem with holding back, because

34:40

how can I heal if I'm not honesty,

34:43

you know, Because if.

34:44

You're not honest, what are you healing?

34:46

If I'm not being honest about my feelings,

34:49

you know, how my reactions,

34:52

what I'm thinking, I'm a feeling, What is it that you're

34:54

healing if you're not telling the truth. And

34:56

so it seems

34:58

like that would be a difficult thing as

35:01

a therapist or a psychologist,

35:03

psychiatrist, clinician, whatever to

35:06

deal with when you are seeing

35:08

your clients or your patients or your whatever

35:10

you call them. But if they

35:12

are coming in and they are not being authentic,

35:14

and usually I bet y'all can smell it.

35:16

A mile away.

35:17

I know you can, because you know you got

35:19

that eye. But like, until

35:22

they get to that place, it's

35:24

like, y'all just kind of I don't want to say,

35:26

wasting each other's time, but like y'all

35:28

ain't really hitting on nothing. If the person

35:30

is not being authentic or telling

35:32

the truth.

35:33

Right, well, well

35:35

I think that they are stages to that, and

35:37

there's levels to that. And the reason why

35:40

I say that there are stages to that is

35:42

you almost never get to see

35:45

a person authentically the first

35:47

time, you know, when when you start

35:50

talking about that level of intimacy.

35:52

It takes time to uncover. And

35:55

what we can't do as therapists

35:58

is strip you before you're red, because

36:01

if we strip you of your reality

36:04

or your perceived reality before

36:06

you're ready, you're gonna fight me, or

36:08

you may just shut down, or they

36:11

oftentimes not absolutely.

36:14

And so there are oftentimes when you

36:16

have to take your time and

36:19

the way that you do. That is you begin

36:21

to you know, recognize

36:24

patterns of thought and patterns

36:27

of behavior, and you kind

36:29

of, you know, bring those out

36:32

as you're having your discussions. But

36:34

you're almost never get

36:36

the authentic, true authentic person

36:39

when you first meet them. And that's okay

36:41

because the fact of the matter is some

36:44

people are very protective

36:46

of their authentic selves and

36:48

so they're not always comfortable with people

36:51

meeting that person until

36:53

they are comfortable with it. And so

36:55

that is something you know that I truly

36:58

understand. But you're right in

37:00

terms of being in therapy week after

37:03

week and you're coming presenting

37:06

this created self and

37:08

not and not allowing yourself

37:11

to really do the work of understanding

37:14

you. And I think that self awareness

37:17

part it takes carriage, because

37:19

you have to be able to be introspective

37:23

and reflective about your character

37:26

and about you know and about who you

37:28

are and how you show up. And

37:31

sometimes the way we show up

37:33

is not who we think we are. And

37:36

so you know, that takes

37:39

a level of humility

37:42

and a level of acceptance that quite

37:45

frankly, because of those defensive

37:47

structures that we've created to keep

37:50

us that that form of denial

37:52

is basically what it is a pretty

37:55

word for denial, But what

37:58

is denial other than I'm gonna

38:00

protect me from this

38:02

truth, you know. So I think that

38:05

that the time, the work that

38:07

we put in in therapy really

38:10

has to do with that engagement piece,

38:13

you know, in terms of having

38:15

those conversations and dialogues

38:17

that bring out patterns

38:19

of behavior, that bring out patterns

38:22

of thought, and what those things

38:24

produce, you know, see, because sometimes

38:27

people have to see their wreckage before

38:29

they're willing to see what produced

38:31

the wreckage. They have to

38:33

be able to see what they've done first

38:37

before they can be honest, and

38:39

so so many example, an

38:42

example would be a person

38:45

may let's

38:48

just say, may have destroyed

38:50

somebody's life emotionally,

38:52

financially right. They

38:55

may not. They may not be able

38:58

to stomach that they

39:01

are responsibility are the kind of

39:03

person. They may

39:05

not be able to stomach that they are

39:07

the kind of person that would ruin

39:10

someone's life. But it's not until

39:12

after they do it and they're open

39:15

enough to see the wreckage of

39:17

what they're done, that they're able

39:19

to go back and reflect upon it.

39:21

But oftentimes, going into

39:23

it, if you were to tell them you

39:26

are rotten you. You will

39:28

destroy me. They may

39:31

deny

39:31

it depending

39:34

upon their self awareness,

39:36

their ability to be

39:39

honest with themselves about

39:41

you know, about who they are and

39:43

what they do.

39:57

Okay, I get that.

40:01

That's heavy. That meant let me drink

40:04

that. Damn

40:08

that is a lot.

40:10

So basically what you are saying is

40:13

they have to see the destruction, like

40:16

think of them.

40:16

I'm always using the analogies.

40:19

Let's think of the person as emotionally

40:23

abusive, right, absolutely, And let's

40:25

think of this emotionally abusive person

40:27

as a tornado or a hurricane. You

40:31

can't tell them when it's

40:33

just windy outside and it's raining.

40:36

Early stages, like when

40:38

it's just windy that you know what, you're

40:40

about to really excuse

40:42

me my language, you're about to fuck some shit up. Were

40:45

you about to really get

40:47

in here and just tear

40:49

this person up because they're gonna be

40:51

like, no, I'm not you know, that's all in your

40:53

head or you know this person does

40:55

such and such and NYD. A lot of times

40:57

it's a lot of deflecting. Absolutely,

41:01

it's a lot of deflection. Well,

41:03

and then sometimes there is some

41:06

victim shaming either even I

41:08

mean also not okay, I can't

41:10

even think of my words.

41:11

There's also some.

41:12

Victim shaming, like, well they did

41:14

this, and da da da da. You're

41:16

saying that sometimes it has to be

41:18

a full on hurricane

41:21

Isabelle. I remember Isabelle.

41:23

Isabelle had our power out for nine days.

41:26

Me and my grandmother was like living off the land,

41:28

living in the house with no power and eating

41:31

out.

41:31

Of coolers and stuff.

41:33

Isabelle got to come and then stop, and

41:35

then you got to stand up and look around

41:38

at all the destruction, like, oh shit, I did

41:40

this.

41:42

But what about when people don't even do that?

41:43

Because I know people who don't even they can look at

41:45

the destruction and be like, well I told her

41:47

not to do such such Well I

41:50

was mad. I told you know people. We had a parent

41:52

the other day. The little girl cussed the

41:55

assistant principle and the dean out

41:57

called the assistant principal

42:00

exees my language, nigga, you should have got the fuck out

42:02

of my face. Don't you ever fucking touch me, bitch.

42:04

I mean, she in the seventh grade and this man is

42:06

forty six years old, okay, cussed

42:08

him out, and

42:11

the mother said, well, when she is

42:13

on five thousand, like that you can't,

42:16

you know, talk to her. You kind of gotta let her

42:18

go off by herself. What miss

42:21

No, are we gonna help her

42:23

regulate her emotions? Because if she goes

42:26

and does this out in the streets, Officer

42:29

Friendly who had wears blue may

42:32

not be as receptive as this assistant

42:35

principle or this dean is like, where's

42:37

the responsibility or the acknowledgment

42:40

of I was wrong or I

42:42

did do that, I caused this destruction. I'm

42:45

not even gonna go as far as saying as what do I

42:47

do to clean it up? Because most people don't

42:49

even try to clean they mess up, but

42:52

just acknowledging and like you said,

42:54

acceptance, accepting

42:56

that, hey, sometimes I might fuck some

42:58

shit up. I

43:00

might come into a situation and really tear

43:02

it up. How

43:05

do you get people to that place? How do you

43:07

get that? Was gonna be one of my questions, like how

43:09

do you get people when

43:12

you're treating them? And I mean for those

43:14

of you who are not in therapy, this

43:16

can be helpful because maybe you can do this with

43:18

yourself, Like how do you get people to a

43:20

place of.

43:23

Even being interested in

43:25

being self aware?

43:26

Because a lot of folks don't even have

43:28

any interest in being self aware because

43:30

they don't think that anything is wrong and

43:32

not to say anything is wrong with them, but they

43:34

don't think that they are not self

43:37

aware.

43:38

Yeah, I truly believe that people

43:41

are their least

43:44

selves and their most destructive

43:46

when they are not self aware. Because

43:49

when you are not self aware, you

43:51

see everything but you

43:53

you know, it's one of those things

43:57

looking out but not inward.

43:59

And part of self awareness is

44:01

introspection and reflection, and

44:04

so you know, there

44:06

are many people who

44:09

are very self aware, of course,

44:11

and then you have those that have

44:14

been, that have taught

44:16

themselves to be self aware, and then

44:19

you have those that refuse to be. So

44:21

we got a little bit of Lotty, Dottie and

44:23

everybody, right. But I think that when

44:26

it comes to how do you

44:28

get people to be self aware, first

44:31

and foremost, they have to be open

44:33

enough and willing to see

44:35

what they're uncomfortable with, because

44:38

it's almost like you have

44:40

to be uncomfortable with

44:43

the uncomfortable. You know, no

44:45

one wants to see themselves

44:48

as abusive

44:50

or destructive,

44:54

or negative or a

44:56

monster. No one

44:59

wants to believe that about

45:01

themselves. But at the end

45:03

of the day, what do you produce?

45:06

And sometimes being able

45:08

to see what they have produced

45:10

throughout their lives, through their relationships,

45:13

and even in their lives, it

45:15

comes to a point where they don't have a

45:17

choice but to be honest with

45:20

themselves and say, you know what, I

45:22

messed this up. I really

45:24

messed this up bad. And we can

45:26

you know, keep it real simple and think about

45:28

the relationships that we've been in. And

45:31

there have been times where you

45:33

know, people have come back to you and say,

45:35

you know what, I really messed up

45:37

and I'm sorry. But the time

45:39

that you were going through it, if you

45:42

told them that, they denied

45:44

it. You know it's you, it's you,

45:46

you know. So they had time

45:48

to come to themselves,

45:51

you know, and recognize

45:53

the impact of their lives

45:55

on other people. And I think that so

45:58

when you talk about how do I

46:00

get to this place of self acceptance,

46:02

acknowledgement, righty,

46:05

humility and honesty

46:08

like all of these things, First of all, you gotta

46:10

humble yourself and get to the

46:12

place where you understand

46:15

that who you have perceived yourself

46:17

as and who you have carried yourself

46:20

as you might not just be that person.

46:23

You know you you you

46:25

you may have to get

46:27

to that place where you admit

46:29

to yourself you've been a fraud, you

46:33

know, and that's a lie.

46:34

Now come on now, because listen now

46:37

that that right, yeah, that's

46:39

that's that you you walking

46:41

around here perpetrating and remember that from

46:43

the eighties and the nineties, you are here

46:46

perpetrating the fraud, pretending to be

46:48

somebody that you absolutely.

46:49

Are not not. And I've done

46:51

it, I've been, we all have. We

46:54

are absolutely absolutely.

47:16

So friends in Kemp for today Straightfax's

47:18

question. It feels a

47:20

little bit like this woman

47:22

was going on a rant at first, but

47:25

then she got

47:27

it together at the end and asked

47:29

her question. But I'm gonna go ahead and reading for you.

47:32

It says, here's the story. It's a

47:34

weekday and I'm on my way to grab some lunch while

47:36

I work.

47:39

Excuse me, I'm drinking my tea.

47:41

A nice looking man approaches me. We have a general

47:43

conversation while in line. He asked

47:46

if I was married or dating. I

47:50

said, I'm dating, but I'm not married. He

47:52

asked if he could have my number. Now,

47:56

before I asked for his number,

47:58

I asked him how old he was. He said

48:01

fifty two. I'm forty four,

48:03

So that's cool. I give him

48:05

my number and then he asked, what's

48:07

your snap?

48:09

I'm like what? He said,

48:11

Well, do you have social media? I said yes.

48:14

He asked which one? I

48:16

told him. Then he asked

48:19

for it. I said why. He said,

48:21

so I can see how you live your life, You

48:25

overgrown idiot. That shit does

48:27

not reference my life anyway.

48:30

I said, I'm cool on that and told

48:33

him to delete my information.

48:35

Listen, women be kiving, black

48:37

women be giving me in a hard time. I'm

48:47

sorry.

48:49

Sis was like, no, delete

48:51

my information, So anyway, let

48:54

me go back because it was funny for men. You

48:56

overgrown idiot. That shit doesn't reference

48:58

my life anyway. I said,

49:00

I'm cool on that and told him to delete my information

49:03

information. My question for you, Mimi

49:05

is laud why. I'm

49:08

sure you wondered, how

49:10

do you know she's black? There

49:12

you go, because she literally

49:15

wrote laud why in quotations.

49:18

Why does an individual at our

49:20

big age think that social media

49:22

is a reflection on my life?

49:24

Hell?

49:25

Why at your big age is it even

49:27

used as a tool to communicate.

49:30

I cannot accept that kind of stuff, and

49:32

it causes me to have people headaches.

49:35

I'm gonna start using that. People headaches

49:37

and they try to unbalance my libra

49:39

scales. Of course she's a labor my libra

49:42

scale really quickly. And

49:44

that is from Denisia from Houston,

49:47

Texas. Shout out to Denisia.

49:53

So it seems like the question is Lord.

49:55

Why laud Why Why

49:58

does an individual at

50:00

our big age think that social media

50:03

is a reflection on someone's

50:05

life? And why at

50:08

fifty two years old, are you even

50:10

using it as a tool to communicate? Okay,

50:13

so social

50:15

media has really like taken over

50:18

our lives, you know what I mean. And I

50:20

feel like this

50:23

is something that I see with

50:26

kids a lot, and

50:30

it seems like this is just a part of

50:33

the new world

50:35

order. Okay, it

50:37

seems like this is the norm

50:39

now, you know, I

50:42

know when I meet people like

50:44

strangers on the street, not people like for

50:46

dating, but like let's say I'm at

50:48

a bar, or you know, I'm

50:50

at a happy hour, or I'm at a restaurant, or

50:53

I'm in the line at the grocery store and you

50:55

talk to strike up a conversation with somebody.

50:58

For instance, let me give you an.

51:00

I went to Virginia Beach for

51:04

spring break. The hotel I stayed in.

51:07

You know, it was kind of like a staycation.

51:08

So I ate.

51:11

So I ate at the restaurant

51:13

in the hotel quite a few times.

51:18

Excuse me, sweet Jesus. So

51:20

I ate at the hotel a few times. And

51:23

I got kind of friendly with one of the waiters

51:25

and he we

51:29

were talking one day and I

51:31

was He was like, well, do you have Instagram? And I said

51:33

yes, and so we exchanged

51:35

Instagram information, and you know, I

51:38

told him at a podcast. He told me that

51:41

he was a bartender and he had studied

51:43

abroad. He went to some bartender

51:45

school or you

51:48

know, college or university,

51:50

I don't know what, how do you call it. But he

51:52

did his training as a bartender

51:54

in like Fouquet or in

51:57

Bali or somewhere over

51:59

there. And we were talking and you

52:01

know, talking about traveling and leaving

52:04

the country, and you know, I enjoyed

52:06

our conversation, and so I was like,

52:08

oh, let's stay in contact. He

52:11

was not interested in anything that I had, if

52:14

you know what I mean, And that was fine,

52:16

but he was still somebody

52:18

that I enjoyed talking to. So, you know,

52:20

the next time I go to Virginia Beach, I

52:23

would want to look him up and say, hey, you

52:26

know, Kevin, I'm coming

52:28

back down to Virginia Beach. Are you still working at such

52:30

such hotel? And he may say no,

52:33

I'm working at this hotel stop by,

52:35

Or he could say no, I moved

52:38

to Bali, or no, I moved to Mexico. If

52:40

you're ever in Cancun, let

52:42

me know and we can have

52:44

lunch.

52:45

So I get that.

52:48

People do that because you know, he

52:51

may not have been comfortable with giving

52:54

me his phone number, and I didn't really see

52:56

the need in him having my phone number because

52:58

we're not going to be texting back or

53:01

you know, pen pals or you

53:03

know, talking on the phone. But

53:06

it's a great way to stay in contact or

53:08

in communication with people that you would not

53:11

regularly talk to or

53:13

see.

53:15

I do agree with you.

53:16

However, if you are interested

53:18

in dating me, why would

53:20

you ask for my Instagram?

53:24

I am not applying for a job. Okay,

53:26

you are not doing that kind of background check on

53:28

me. If you want to get to know me, take

53:31

the time to get to know me. I fundamentally,

53:33

and it's probably because you're a Libra. Shout out to Libra.

53:38

I fundamentally understand your frustration,

53:41

and I would probably be frustrated as

53:43

well, because if you want

53:45

to get to know me, then get to know me. We don't have time

53:47

for no simple

53:49

shit like looking at my

53:51

Instagram. Because you look at my Instagram, my

53:53

personal Instagram, you won't see nothing but a bunch

53:55

of like quotes and

53:58

motivational quotes that I've post for myself.

54:02

And if anybody else is there to get that work, that's fine.

54:04

You may see pictures of me and my cousins, my

54:06

brother's selfies

54:09

of me, pictures of me as a baby,

54:11

reposts of babies

54:13

and puppies, like you know, that

54:17

is not a representation or an

54:20

indication of who I am.

54:22

It's just who I want to present as

54:24

on the internet. The good thing about me is

54:27

that it kind of all runs together, like

54:29

I am who pretty much who

54:31

I present on the internet. But that's not the same way

54:33

for everybody, because everybody uses social

54:35

media for different things.

54:38

I do feel like as a fifty two

54:40

year old, like, that's kind of weird if he was

54:42

twenty two, maybe even thirty.

54:45

Two, but thirty two is pushing it. But

54:47

twenty two or thirty two, like, okay, that makes.

54:49

Sense because you know, millennials

54:52

and gen Z like they're they're

54:54

different. They use social media. They grew

54:56

up with social media. We oh

54:59

my god, we oh years old.

55:02

You don't don't go on my snap or

55:04

on my And sometimes when men leave

55:07

with Snapchat, I be thinking they trying

55:09

to be freaky too. Just so you know,

55:11

Denisia, I just want you all to know, that was my

55:13

chair. I did not pass gas. Okay,

55:15

you're here.

55:16

That is a chair.

55:17

Just to be clear, Okay, anyway,

55:22

he too old for that, Okay. I'll

55:24

be thinking sometimes that they be trying to be freaky

55:27

with Snapchat because they know what disappears

55:29

like in twenty four hours. At the end

55:31

of the day, I kind of feel like you

55:33

did the right thing when you said

55:37

to delete my information, because why even drag

55:39

this out like you. It

55:42

was kind of harsh, It was kind of abrupt, and

55:44

it made me laugh. I gotta say that

55:47

you were like, no, that's good, I'm alright, because

55:49

you can just delete my information.

55:51

We could.

55:52

Because that made you that

55:55

irritated you, it gave you a people headache or made

55:57

you bootyage. I get that you

55:59

probably could have gave him another chance and just

56:01

let him know, like if you

56:03

want to get to know me, then get to know me like

56:06

a mature adult versus

56:08

somebody who grew up in the information

56:11

age. You

56:13

ain't had to cut the brother off like you

56:16

ain't had to cut him off like that, assuming and he was

56:18

a brother, I don't know, but you ain't had to cut him

56:20

off like that. But you did what you thought was best,

56:22

and that's fine. But I think

56:24

that is the answer to your question, Like

56:27

people use social media to

56:29

do background checks on people, and

56:33

he said that to you because he thinks that

56:35

that is a reflection of who you are. And

56:37

it sounds like he's just not mature. You two aren't

56:39

on the same maturity level. So it's

56:41

probably best that you don't even

56:44

waste your time, girl, So good luck.

56:46

I know how hard.

56:47

It is to be forty four years old,

56:49

forty five, forty three, forty two,

56:52

forty and over out here, Dayton,

56:54

and you got fifty two year old

56:56

men saying what's your snap?

56:58

Boy?

56:58

If you don't get the hell out of my face

57:01

asking me some what's my snap?

57:04

Please say?

57:09

I told you guys that I bought

57:11

this book and it is called Black

57:15

Liturgies. I mentioned it in

57:17

my last episode about

57:23

In my last episode about episode

57:27

number eighty eight, my Happy Anniversary

57:30

Birthday episode for

57:32

Hey, Me and my Purse, and I talked briefly

57:35

about my trip to Virginia Beach and

57:38

how I read a

57:40

prayer from that book Black Liturgies

57:42

by Cole Where

57:45

is it Cole Arthur

57:49

Riley, who

57:51

I found out tonight is a black woman.

57:55

Shout out, first of all,

57:57

cheers to Cole Arthur Riley. Okay,

58:03

but shout out to Cole Arthur Riley

58:06

and this book. All this time, I thought that Cole

58:08

Arthur Riley was a black man or a

58:10

man. Shout out to Cole

58:13

Arthur Riley, the author of Black

58:15

Liturgies, being a black woman.

58:19

It's such a beautiful book.

58:21

And I know this sounds bad, but now

58:24

that I know that it is a black woman who

58:26

wrote it, it takes

58:28

on a different feel for me.

58:31

And I

58:34

can't really explain it to you right now because it's

58:37

new, but I feel differently about

58:39

it. Not that I feel better

58:41

about it or worse about it, because it's definitely

58:44

not a negative feeling, but I

58:46

see the book through different

58:48

eyes and from a different lens now

58:51

knowing and understanding that a black woman

58:53

wrote this book.

58:55

I really really, really really do.

58:57

I see the book through

58:59

a different lens, and

59:01

she's such a pretty lady. She looks

59:04

very sweet and kind. But anyway,

59:07

I wanted to read and this is not going to be the

59:09

last that you hear of this book. I can promise you

59:11

that I wanted to read from

59:15

the book. And so the book is broken into

59:17

all these different sections, and

59:20

I read from

59:22

the section on doubt. And

59:24

in each section, you know, depending

59:26

on what the section is, there

59:29

is a

59:32

breakdown. So there are prayers, and she breaks

59:34

down different prayers and scenarios around

59:36

doubt. There are quotes about from

59:39

ancestors, meaning like you know, there may

59:41

be a quote from my Angelou or doctor King

59:43

or Malcolm X or Zorn and Hurston. And

59:46

then there are meditations

59:48

like breathing techniques where

59:50

like I inhale gratitude, I

59:53

exhale fear,

59:56

I am worthy like and it'll tell you about

59:59

breathing. So it's literally

1:00:01

on the cover of the book, it literally

1:00:03

says black liturgies, prayers,

1:00:06

poems, poems, and meditations

1:00:09

for staying human. And so

1:00:12

what I'm reading today, there's

1:00:14

a benediction, there's a forgiveness,

1:00:17

prayer for you to read in addition

1:00:19

to the different prayers. The book is fucking

1:00:21

dope. Okay. That's really all

1:00:23

I got to say about the book. Actually,

1:00:25

I have so much to say about the book. But the book is

1:00:27

fucking dope. If you don't have it, get

1:00:30

it. I've been trying to buy it for people

1:00:32

ever since I was on spring break.

1:00:35

I tried to buy it for my friend Bianca. She

1:00:37

would not allow it. Tried to buy it for somebody

1:00:39

else, they would not allow it. It's

1:00:41

fine, y'all don't want my book.

1:00:43

It's all good.

1:00:43

Y'all don't want me to buy a book. They was buying

1:00:45

it for themselves. And I get that.

1:00:47

I get that. I get that.

1:00:51

I won't allow you to make me feel rejected,

1:00:54

and I won't allow myself to feel rejected

1:00:56

because you don't want me to buy the books for you. It's fine,

1:00:59

But I wanted to read to you today

1:01:03

the Forgiveness Prayer, and it's on page

1:01:05

eighty two, from the section

1:01:07

on doubt. Okay, and

1:01:10

in every forgiveness prayer

1:01:12

and every section it starts out with let

1:01:15

your soul receive this rest.

1:01:18

Let me tell you something.

1:01:20

Knowing that a black woman wrote this

1:01:23

changes the fucking game for me.

1:01:27

Anyway.

1:01:28

Let your soul receive this rest.

1:01:31

The Divine, who is both visible and invisible,

1:01:34

near and far, small and grand,

1:01:36

has mercy on you. Allow

1:01:39

them to liberate you from

1:01:42

the bondage of certainty, that

1:01:44

you would walk freely into curiosity,

1:01:48

imagination, and a sacred

1:01:50

unknowing.

1:01:52

Amen. Listen.

1:01:57

Also other stuff. Oohio,

1:02:01

he's got some soul searching to.

1:02:02

Do it one more time for your holy

1:02:05

mind, and then I'm gonna stop, okay, and

1:02:07

we're gonna move on. Let

1:02:10

your soul receive this rest. Let

1:02:13

me drink some tea, yode, I'm

1:02:15

a little parched. Let

1:02:21

your soul receive this rest. I keep

1:02:23

saying it because it's something about that that is

1:02:25

doing something to my spirit. And I can't really put

1:02:27

my finger on it, and you can't. Maybe you

1:02:29

can hear me tapping on my chest.

1:02:32

Let your soul receive this rest.

1:02:34

The Divine, who is both visible and

1:02:37

invisible, near and far, small

1:02:39

and grand, has mercy

1:02:42

on you. Allow

1:02:44

them to liberate you from

1:02:47

the bondage of certainty.

1:02:50

Hallelujah. Let me tell you something.

1:02:52

I randomly chose this, but

1:02:55

my God is a god of

1:02:57

intentionality. He is a very intention

1:03:00

Know God,

1:03:03

there is a reason that I'm reading this when

1:03:06

I tell you, I randomly chose this,

1:03:09

and here God is speaking to me.

1:03:13

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Let

1:03:15

me read it again. I'm sorry.

1:03:16

And if you don't like that, I keep going back and forth.

1:03:18

That's none of my fucking business. Like, I don't

1:03:20

really care if you don't like it, because I'm gonna do what I want

1:03:22

to do because this is my shaw. Okay, let

1:03:26

your soul receive this rest. The

1:03:29

divine, who is both visible and invisible,

1:03:31

near and far, small and grand,

1:03:33

has mercy on you. Allow

1:03:36

them to liberate you from the bondage

1:03:38

of certainty, that you would

1:03:40

walk freely into curiosity, imagination,

1:03:44

and the sacred unknowing.

1:03:46

Amen. Amen, and

1:03:49

amen, and.

1:03:51

I shay

1:04:03

friends in can.

1:04:03

The first thing that I want to do is say thank you to God

1:04:06

first, because God is supreme and I recognize and

1:04:08

appreciate the grace that God extends me every

1:04:10

single day of my black ass

1:04:13

life.

1:04:14

I want to.

1:04:14

Say thank you to my good friend Evany Vaughn

1:04:17

for being a guest on the

1:04:19

show. She will also be

1:04:21

on the show next week because next week will be part

1:04:24

two, but I'm just grateful that she

1:04:26

took time out of her evening to

1:04:28

sit and talk with me about

1:04:32

self deception. Listen,

1:04:34

just hearing the words self deception,

1:04:37

self deception, and self awareness

1:04:39

don't feel the same when you say it. Self

1:04:42

awareness keeps you out

1:04:44

of the weeds of self deception.

1:04:46

Okay.

1:04:48

I'm grateful that she sat down and talked to

1:04:50

me about this, and it was a

1:04:52

pretty great conversation. I'm grateful

1:04:54

for her. And if you don't have a friend like

1:04:56

Ebony, get you a friend like Ebony. I've

1:04:58

learned so much from her. I've

1:05:01

learned so much about not

1:05:04

sweating the small stuff and not worrying

1:05:07

about things that don't

1:05:10

matter, and

1:05:13

just not And she gets so upset when

1:05:15

I say this, not so upset like man, but like just

1:05:17

not giving a fuck and not giving

1:05:20

a fuck, like you don't care about things, but

1:05:22

like not worrying about things,

1:05:25

because how can you believe

1:05:28

God and believe in God

1:05:30

if you're gonna worry? Why are you worrying

1:05:32

about things that have nothing to do with you? Why

1:05:34

are you worrying about things that you don't have any control

1:05:37

over. I'm grateful for her, friendship

1:05:39

because I have learned a lot

1:05:41

from her in that way. But anyway,

1:05:45

I want to say thank you to the rest

1:05:47

of my people, all of you. Thank

1:05:49

you to each and every one of you that's been rocking with me since

1:05:52

day one, ever since March the first of twenty

1:05:54

twenty. I appreciate you for being

1:05:57

here with me. And even if you just started listening

1:05:59

today, I'm grateful for you as well.

1:06:02

Either way, SIS is very appreciative

1:06:04

and I'm glad that you're here. I'm thankful for

1:06:06

my family, my friends, my friends, and ken all

1:06:08

of my supporters. Because support is not always

1:06:11

about listening. Support can come in

1:06:13

many different fashions and forms,

1:06:15

and of course, most importantly, every single

1:06:17

one of you guys that are actually out there listening.

1:06:20

I love you guys so much, and it is nothing short

1:06:22

of an honor, a privilege, and a blessing

1:06:24

to share my time and my energy with you, especially

1:06:27

if you keep coming back to spend your

1:06:29

time and your energy with me. I

1:06:32

look forward to the next time that we get to do this with

1:06:34

one another.

1:06:35

Now, hold up.

1:06:37

Before you exit out of whatever streaming service

1:06:39

you're using to listen to this, stop for a second

1:06:42

and if you haven't already done, so look for

1:06:45

the subscriber follow button.

1:06:46

Click it.

1:06:48

Click on that if you have the option to

1:06:50

do so wherever you're listening. Next,

1:06:52

I want you to go over to Instagram and

1:06:55

follow me at Handing my Purse Underscore

1:06:57

Podcast.

1:06:58

Also follow me on Twitter.

1:07:00

At or X we're

1:07:02

gonna call it Twitter at HMMP Underscore

1:07:05

podcast. But I don't really be popping over the here,

1:07:07

like I ain't even gonna lie. And on Facebook,

1:07:09

just search hand Me my Purse podcast.

1:07:12

I don't really be super popping on Facebook,

1:07:14

but sometimes I am. Really Where you

1:07:16

want to find me is Instagram and threads.

1:07:18

Threads is like Twitter for Instagram.

1:07:21

And if you go to my Instagram profile and look for

1:07:23

the little swirly loop d loop on

1:07:25

my profile, you will find it. Here's

1:07:28

another thing I would like for you to do. If

1:07:31

you listen on a streaming service or medium that

1:07:33

allows you to do so, please rate and review the show

1:07:36

and give it a thumbs up. Will you please

1:07:38

rate or review the show every week? I ask y'all

1:07:40

to do that, and y'all don't do it.

1:07:42

I feel like.

1:07:43

Y'all hate me.

1:07:45

I feel like.

1:07:47

Searching.

1:07:48

I feel like y'all don't love me and y'all don't care about

1:07:50

me. That's how it makes me feel. But anyway,

1:07:53

friends and can be sure to share handing my purse with

1:07:55

your friends, your loved ones, and even

1:07:57

your enemy is because the best way for people to find that

1:08:00

about the show is by you guys telling them all about

1:08:02

it. So telephoned to telephone

1:08:04

to what telefriend,

1:08:07

submit your questions for the Straight Fact segment.

1:08:10

And I need y'all to do this, like I'll really

1:08:12

be asking y'all for a lot. I feel like I'm pouring

1:08:15

out and like yalling helping

1:08:19

us sistem out, review the

1:08:21

show, rate the show, submit

1:08:23

a question.

1:08:24

It's not a lot.

1:08:25

I know y'all got questions because I know everybody's

1:08:28

lives is all over because life

1:08:30

is life and for everybody, mercury

1:08:32

is in retrograde. We got solar

1:08:35

eclipses. It's

1:08:38

all kind of crazy stuff happening. The

1:08:41

Breakfast Club interview Candice

1:08:43

Owens, and the

1:08:45

toughest question they ask her is if

1:08:47

I say God is good, what

1:08:50

do you say? Back listen,

1:08:53

life is happening, Okay. Anyway,

1:08:57

submit your question for the Straight Fact segment

1:08:59

by clicking on the link in the show notes that says

1:09:01

submit a question for straight facts.

1:09:03

It's really that simple.

1:09:05

Or click the link in my Instagram profile and

1:09:08

look for the button that says or

1:09:11

that directs you to submit a question. Your

1:09:13

question may be featured on an upcoming show.

1:09:16

Also, remember that show notes are always available

1:09:18

in the episode description. Wherever you are listening

1:09:20

to Handy My Purse, be sure to take a look at the show

1:09:23

notes because that is where I put all of

1:09:25

the links and other information that I mentioned during

1:09:27

the show that you may want to check out, in

1:09:29

addition to some stuff that I just want

1:09:31

to share with you. Also, just so you know, the

1:09:33

music for Handing My Purse is provided by

1:09:35

none other than West Baltimore's

1:09:38

own Gloomy Tunes Last

1:09:43

but Now Links. I want to give a big old shout

1:09:46

out to my producers.

1:09:48

And then Tailor. Together we make up.

1:09:50

Rando Banjo and the Dirty Throats.

1:09:53

Although we're thinking about changing our name once

1:09:56

we solidify that, I'll let you guys

1:09:58

know, I me Walker,

1:10:00

look forward to you looking forward

1:10:02

to listening to hand Me my Purse

1:10:05

the podcast each and every Tuesday.

1:10:08

And I'm off this bitch.

1:10:09

Piece hand

1:10:14

Me my Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts.

1:10:17

For more shows from iHeart Podcasts, visit the

1:10:19

iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts,

1:10:21

or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.