0:00

Welcome to Guys We Buy, the Anti

0:02

Slued Change Podcast.

0:05

I'm Christina Hudgonsson, I'm Karen Fisher,

0:07

and I'm ya.

0:08

Sooys, friends, we're going up so slugging

0:11

your horny and your shame.

0:13

Hey it's lut yes, okay, talk

0:17

about Greetings, fuckers,

0:20

how you doing? Keep dry?

0:21

Bring an umbrella. Welcome to another episode of

0:24

Guys We Fucked. It's the Anti Sluedgeman

0:26

Podcast. I'm Karen Fisher, I'm Christina Hutchinson.

0:28

Welcome to the show Los Angeles. Hey,

0:31

baby, if you are in Los Angeles

0:33

or if you'll be visiting Los Angeles on May.

0:36

Eleven, eleventh, it's a Saturday.

0:38

Christina Hutchinson and Karen Fisher, we

0:40

are part of the Netflix Is a Joke

0:42

Festival and we will be doing Guys

0:45

We Fucked podcast style live

0:48

interview here. We will on Saturday

0:51

May eleventh at nine to forty five pm at the Regent

0:53

Theater.

0:53

This is a big deal. This is a big show,

0:56

This is a big festival. We need you

0:58

to buy a ticket. We need you buy ticket now now, this

1:01

last.

1:01

Minute second, this last minute ticking and buying.

1:03

Guys.

1:04

Of course, we appreciate when you buy a ticket anytime,

1:06

But I don't think you understand the personal

1:09

pressure that these venues put

1:11

us under.

1:12

I don't wantli.

1:13

Yeah, like if you don't sometimes like if it's like

1:15

so many tickets sell like day of

1:18

and that's lovely, but you know how close

1:20

you get to canceling shows and giving

1:22

me diarrhea and just non.

1:25

Stop lack of sleep. Okay, we're

1:27

too old for that. You can't do that anymore. We

1:29

cannot do that anymore. So Regent Theater, May

1:32

eleventh, Los Angeles. Netflix

1:34

is a joke festival. You can go to the Netflix as a Joke website,

1:36

you can go to the ticket links in our bios.

1:39

The information is there. It's going to be spectacular.

1:42

It's going to be way different than the La Show because this is going

1:44

to be a formal podcast interview. It will be the podcast.

1:46

There'll be some interaction, but it's going to mostly be

1:48

us talking and then a very famous

1:51

surprise guest.

1:52

Yeah, because it's a fancy, big

1:54

theater that we're in, that's why. And we

1:56

even got a musical guest to open

1:58

the show, so it feels like an actual cohesive

2:01

episode of the podcast.

2:02

We will be joined by Joel Ronson. I

2:05

mean, he's his own person, but it is John Ronson's

2:07

son.

2:07

That's pretty cool. That's pretty fucking cool.

2:10

Your dad's that cool.

2:11

You gotta say something, come on, okay, he

2:13

wrote so many books. Yeah, and if you can believe it, Joel

2:15

even more British than John.

2:17

I don't know.

2:18

I don't happy he talked to him. You're like, damn, dude, you're

2:20

British as hell. It's like talking to a scone. It's delightful.

2:23

Yeah, it's light high tea. Yeah, I

2:25

love it.

2:26

Okay, so you're gonna get those tickets and

2:28

we'll actually give you We'll give you a moment right now to do so.

2:31

Write yourself a note yeah, stop the car

2:33

pull over. Yeah, just put wrote a note

2:36

to do it right after the links in our bios.

2:38

All of our bios ask it for it for a gift. Do

2:40

you have a birthday coming up? Yeah, it's a perfect gift.

2:43

Just say it in front of your husband or your uh

2:45

partner, or you're dating somebody super

2:48

hot and you want to make sure you're still dating them on May

2:50

eleventh.

2:50

Get them tickets and let them know their calendar

2:52

and.

2:53

Then they have to come go with your sister, go

2:55

with your mother, go with your dad, go

2:58

through pet but it has go with your You're a child

3:00

in your stomach, a service dog. Yes, and

3:03

we will want to pet it after softer

3:05

make sure you make that happen. Okay,

3:08

okay, if you want to email us, it's sorry about

3:10

last night's show at gmail dot com.

3:12

Today's subject line, do I have to get

3:14

married before my dad gets dementia? Tiger

3:18

and Christina. I'm a longtime listener

3:20

and fan. Love getting your perspective on

3:22

something I have been going through. My boyfriend and I have

3:24

been together for nine years. We are constantly

3:27

nagged with the question of.

3:29

So, when are you going to get married?

3:30

Or so, why aren't you married yet? Why

3:33

does everybody care?

3:34

You know what I mean, it's your life, They're not in the relationship.

3:36

I often get these questions more so than my boyfriend

3:39

does.

3:39

We have compared.

3:40

I don't really care about a wedding or the idea

3:42

of marriage. It sounds like the biggest burden in the world

3:45

to plan and spend thirty K for a wedding.

3:47

I'm cheap and do not enjoy being

3:49

the center of attention. Okay, yeah, so a wedding's just

3:51

not for you, dude.

3:52

Yeah.

3:52

I find the questions to be annoying and

3:54

I brush them off for the most part. My partner

3:57

feels similarly, and we both

3:59

had an open conversation that we don't feel

4:01

the need to really have a wedding.

4:03

Nonetheless, even get married, then fucking

4:05

don't ruin a good thing.

4:06

Boo. I'm absolutely not knocking anyone

4:08

else getting married or having a wedding. I love me a

4:11

good time at a fun wedding girl, me too, but

4:13

it just has never really been a priority for us.

4:16

Recently, my dad has been dealing with some health issues.

4:18

I'm thirty, my dad is seventy. He has

4:21

what is called mild cognitive impairment.

4:24

He takes a test every year called the MOCA

4:26

Assessment that essentially tests his memory,

4:28

attention, concentration, cognition, and a

4:30

few other parameters. We trend

4:33

his score each year, which has been relatively stable

4:35

for the past three years. As

4:37

the test score declines, it is considered that

4:40

cognitive impairment is worsening on a thirty

4:42

point scale. This test does not tell us

4:44

if this cognitive impairment wi ultimately turn into

4:46

something like dementia. Or Alzheimer's anyway,

4:49

I can certainly see a change of my dad for

4:51

the worse. It's very difficult for me

4:53

to see his memory declining. Yeah, that

4:55

must be hard and not remember a

4:57

conversation I have with him just the day before, or

5:00

start to forget family members' names. He

5:02

recently came to visit me in California, and all

5:04

I could think of was is he even going to remember

5:06

the best parts of our time together on this trip?

5:09

Tough questions to face to

5:11

put the two together. I am now, for the

5:13

first time in this relationship, feeling the pressure

5:16

of time. I feel as though I have to get

5:18

married before my dad forgets a special day,

5:20

such as being at his daughter's wedding. I can't

5:22

imagine these life events without my dad being present,

5:24

or worse present but not mentally present.

5:27

I ask you to for perspective, giving both

5:29

of your experiences. Courin, I know your

5:31

father passed away. I'm so sorry for your loss. Did

5:34

you have similar thoughts when your dad was sick, not

5:36

necessarily regarding marriage or wedding, but any anxiety

5:38

surrounding not having such an important person in

5:40

your life present for life's milestones.

5:43

How did you deal with these thoughts, Christina,

5:45

I asked the same for you, as I recall you

5:48

saying a long time ago, sorry if I'm shabby on the

5:50

details that your mom had been diagnosed

5:52

with a type of memory disorder.

5:56

She forgot she was being a bitch. I'll

6:00

get to that. At the moment, so

6:03

fucked up, and it was causing you to spiral

6:05

into thoughts about could

6:10

you imagine if at

6:12

the time because you couldn't imagine your mom, not

6:14

meaning your kids.

6:17

Sorry, I'll tell you why that's funny in a second,

6:20

hoping to hear your perspective and curious what your experience

6:23

is with this, or honestly any listener who.

6:25

Has a similar experiency all time pranks

6:27

there. I get it from my mama

6:29

what their experience has been like. Thanks so much for taking

6:32

the time to read it. Sorry so long, girl,

6:34

It ain't long. It's okay.

6:35

The reason I laughed is because I forgot

6:37

that I said that. First of all, my

6:40

mom probably didn't because her memory's

6:42

fine. I don't

6:44

know what to say, but she's

6:46

fine, false alarmed. She told me.

6:50

It's my old fucking life, and think,

6:54

could you imagine if I took her word

6:56

for it? I think, what did I say? I feel like I said, And there

6:58

was one Okay, so we were a couple of years to live. There

7:00

was a city that we were in Miami. It was Florida.

7:02

Okay, so I was I was thinking Florida, but I was

7:04

like, we weren't in Florida that many times together, And you were like,

7:07

I remember yourself in the hotel room

7:09

about this.

7:09

Yes, I remember we were eating at the downstairs.

7:12

Yeah. I was just like, I guess my mom was gonna die in a couple I

7:14

was so heartbroken and like grieving kind of prematurely.

7:16

And then my dad died first.

7:18

Yep, no

7:20

contests, no great fun,

7:23

She's fine, she's jogging on the beach.

7:25

Yeah. So, uh did she exaggerate

7:29

her diagnosis for sympathy? One

7:32

will never know?

7:33

Yeah.

7:33

Yeah.

7:33

If I had to bet my money on it that is currently

7:35

not mine in my bank account and it's all in

7:37

my.

7:38

Parents' house in Jersey, yeah,

7:40

I would say she did.

7:42

Thank god I did not have children

7:45

with Stephen, because I wanted her to beat my grand

7:47

Oh my god, what a death sentence that would have

7:49

been.

7:50

I mean, just okay, So rule of thumb before we get into

7:52

the nitty gritty is if you're doing something

7:55

so in your in your life that is huge so that

7:57

someone else can enjoy it, you're living your life

7:59

incorrect. Yeah, Yeah, I mean it just just as much

8:01

as the reason you're being asked all these questions

8:03

when you're getting married.

8:04

When you're getting married, it's the same, Like,

8:06

that factor at play is

8:08

the same factor at play for you feeling like you need to rush

8:11

a moment that you don't even know if you want. Yeah, And

8:13

I would say I think the solution here is

8:15

to spend more time with your father on FaceTime,

8:17

over the phone, and in person as much as you can. Obviously,

8:20

I feel like he lives far away, feels to.

8:21

Fly to you.

8:22

Yeah, you don't need to create You don't need to create

8:24

these He's not a little he's not a little

8:26

baby.

8:27

You're not here their parent. You don't need to create memories.

8:29

You don't need to create your know, your daddy's

8:31

first birthday. I think it's like your

8:34

your your parents, if they have the relationship

8:37

that they should with you, they just want what's best for you.

8:39

Yes, So like anytime we get into this territory

8:42

of like I want to my mom wants me to have this

8:44

kind of a wedding.

8:44

My mom or dad wants me to meet this person.

8:46

Like your parents, unfortunately, then don't

8:48

have your best interests at heart, right Like my

8:52

uh my parents, like they

8:55

you know, it's not like they were like faultless or

8:57

something.

8:58

No one is.

8:58

But they never pushed me to

9:00

do anything that I didn't

9:03

want to do unless it was something that would truly

9:05

like be of service to me, Like I have I

9:08

live my life the way I want to. And I mean

9:10

it's sure things have come up over the years, like grin, you

9:12

know, do you have any money?

9:14

Uh?

9:15

Why do you not have any money? And I go, I'll handle

9:17

that just wait, you know, like that kind of a thing. But

9:19

that was because they were, you know, they were worried about

9:21

my welfare. And I just

9:24

have a little bit of a like a Lucy Goosier

9:26

approach to things, a little bit more into

9:29

like taking a big risk because you know, for me, big

9:31

risk, big reward, and obviously it paid off. It's not

9:33

gonna pay off for anyone. But like, so,

9:36

like did these questions come up?

9:38

I mean I remember having like a thought

9:40

when my dad first said and I think I talked about

9:42

it on this show, like, oh,

9:45

now I don't have to get married because my dad's

9:47

dead.

9:47

I don't really feel that way anymore. That was just like a passing

9:50

feeling. Lots of feelings will pass during that time.

9:54

But yeah, I mean, you know, basically like once

9:56

your parents certainly turned seventy, like,

9:59

I think it's time that everyone really

10:01

acknowledges the fact that like death

10:04

is coming, and like, yeah, they might live till ninety,

10:06

they might live to one hundred. I have a lot of family

10:08

members, you know, like uh,

10:11

who lived to their late eighties, to their you

10:13

know, my great aunt lived till ninety six, but

10:15

that's because she didn't get married or have kids.

10:17

And that woman chain smoked, so she really

10:19

was trying.

10:21

But uh, yeah, I mean I

10:24

just think, like, yeah, and spend time with your dad, and

10:26

also like this preoccupation that you have

10:28

with worrying about him forgetting things, like

10:31

yeah, him in this realm might forget it. But

10:33

I really do feel like these things like kind of just

10:36

download into your soul. And so

10:38

even when my dad had severe

10:40

brain damage and I was talking to him

10:43

and it's you know, and he's eaten

10:45

pudding and getting it all over himself, and you

10:47

know, just like in this in this

10:49

world seemed like just absolutely gone,

10:52

Like I knew he really was taking things

10:54

in and so

10:57

you just have to kind of have faith

10:59

about that. And I don't mean like Christian

11:01

faith. I just mean faith in whatever, even if it's just like

11:04

mortal faith. But

11:06

yeah, if it

11:08

feels to me like you're going into panic mode

11:10

and it's anxiety that makes you want to get married,

11:12

it doesn't seem to me like you actually want to get married.

11:15

Listen, you've been with this guy for nine years.

11:16

I think if you get married or if you don't get married, it doesn't

11:19

matter because it seems like this is your person.

11:21

But also like you're only thirty.

11:24

So a lot of times there is this like first

11:27

long relationship that we get into that's like

11:29

a decade, and a lot of people actually leave

11:31

that relationship.

11:32

I know many people who.

11:33

In their youth were in a ten or similar

11:35

length relationship and that is not the

11:37

person that they end up spending the.

11:40

Chunk of their the biggest chunk of their life

11:43

with.

11:43

Yeah, I don't know.

11:44

I'm always so happy I didn't marry Steven.

11:47

Oh god, I'm so happy for that all the time, because

11:51

boy, he would have taken all my money when.

11:52

We got divorced. Yeah, because he already

11:55

tried to and we weren't divorced. You wouldn't have signed a thought

11:57

to sign a prenup.

11:58

Uh yeah, I would have, I guess. Yeah

12:00

maybe, yeah, maybe I would have saved if I got marriage to him. But

12:03

also so I have two more things. So as

12:06

somebody who lives a life

12:09

that it kind of bucks the tradition

12:11

of talking to your parents.

12:14

So I'm I'm kind of I

12:16

don't want to say I'm going against the grain, for

12:18

lack of a better term, against

12:20

society's grain of like, well, are your parents, You should

12:22

talk to them. You could say it to me all day,

12:24

that's fine, But like my inner piece

12:27

is so priceless. So I will say, living your

12:29

life on your own terms is a gift that will

12:31

never stop giving. If

12:34

the idea of a wedding does not appeal to you, and

12:36

you're right, thirty K for a party, like, ugh,

12:39

that's awful.

12:40

Spend that flying to visit your dad instead.

12:41

Yeah.

12:42

Yeah, over a course of several years,

12:44

you could do that.

12:45

I just was actually talking to another

12:47

friend of ours whose father passed away this morning,

12:50

and I told her how much

12:52

I spent visiting my day while he was in hospice,

12:54

and she was like, holy shit, Yeah, don't

12:56

regret it at all. Yeah, never lost a wink of

12:58

sleep over it. Yeah, And how did you like think

13:01

of, like spending that much of your money on

13:03

a wedding that you don't want to have versus spending

13:06

a significantly lower portion of that amount

13:08

of money to have more quality time with your dad.

13:11

I think that's way worth it.

13:12

And then the other thing I wanted to say, My

13:14

boyfriend's mother has dementia, and it's

13:16

really it's really tough. She

13:19

she just forgets stuff. She's a lovely,

13:21

lovely, lovely woman. But yeah,

13:24

I know how tough that is. And this

13:26

is just a woo woo thing that I'll never

13:29

know if it's true, so take it

13:31

with a grain of salt.

13:32

But Laura N.

13:33

Jackson has two stories in her books

13:36

about She's like, sometimes when a patient has

13:38

dementia or Alzheimer's, or a

13:40

client I'm reading a client and their mother has

13:42

dementia or Alzheimer's, the mother will actually

13:44

come through in the reading because she's half in

13:47

and half out of her body so I can actually communicate

13:49

with her. And I thought that was really interesting, And

13:51

then she just made a note to say that, you know, if

13:54

a loved one is dying and they can't speak,

13:56

they can't open their eyes, or if they have dementia

13:58

that's so severe that they don't know where they are, but

14:01

you do talk to them and you do spend time with them, that

14:03

does register with them ultimately.

14:05

So yeah, there's no question that out there that

14:07

there's no question that spending time with someone registers.

14:10

You know, that's that's just one hundred

14:12

percent they can totally tell. So

14:14

yeah, I mean, I think it did things like that and like incorporate

14:17

like things that are meaningful, like yeah,

14:19

I mean like you're you're again, like your dad

14:21

being at your wedding if he's already forgetting things like is he gonna

14:23

even remember that?

14:24

Like your dad just wants you to be happy?

14:25

I mean, I think is the bottom line, and things

14:27

like if you want things that are register, what I found

14:30

is comedy and music were the two

14:32

things that, no matter how far gone my dad's brain

14:34

was, those are the two things that, up until the end, would register.

14:37

His sense of humor was always the same, even

14:39

if he couldn't remember anything, and he

14:42

and he definitely remembered like lyrics to songs,

14:44

especially songs from like his you know, his childhood,

14:47

like so whatever, like you know for a guy that age,

14:49

a lot of times it's the Beatles, but

14:51

whatever that.

14:52

Is to you, uh, that

14:55

go into that and like kind of spend time like

14:58

that.

14:58

I think I think you're Yeah, I think you're just

15:00

like kind of worried about things that it seems

15:02

like he probably already has like lifted past

15:05

this realm, you know, like he's already like

15:07

in the next stage, and

15:09

you're worried about like these like mortal issues. No

15:11

one's worried about these things. Do whatever you want

15:13

to do, but certainly don't have a wedding just because your

15:15

dad's dying. To me, that's panic mode behavior.

15:18

Yeah, And as people start to die in your life,

15:20

everyone will, you know, everyone will go into panic

15:22

mode behavior.

15:23

It's just what it is.

15:24

And you'll see how unprepared people

15:26

are to face death. Yeah, it's

15:29

actually kind of embarrassing. Yeah, I'm

15:31

embarrassed for I'm embarrassed.

15:33

By how do you mean they're unprepared to face death?

15:35

Like I think It's not just a fucking surprise,

15:38

right, Death is coming for us, all of us.

15:40

Yeah, I mean yeah, I mean like, yeah, I wasn't

15:42

prepared for my dad to die in his sixties

15:45

but so quick. But also, like, you

15:48

know, I know so many people whose dad's

15:50

you know, died in their twenties or thirties,

15:52

like when the dad was that age, not when they were that age.

15:54

Like yeah, I mean, death could come, death kills

15:57

little children, like like, I don't

15:59

know, just be ready for it.

16:00

You never know when it's coming. Don't put things off.

16:03

But I mean yeah, but also like if you never wanted a wedding

16:05

before, if you have this sudden urge to have a wedding,

16:07

I don't think that's real.

16:08

I think that's anxiety. Yeah, and

16:11

thanks for reminding me that my mom lied about

16:14

about to be dead. It's really funny. Yes,

16:16

Eric is coming for you to We're

16:18

all going to.

16:20

It's coming for Eric at a rapid pace

16:22

because of the way.

16:23

He treats his body. I gotta get that vitamin Z dog.

16:26

Yeah, what do you want to say?

16:27

Oh, I was just gonna say, if it is such a big deal

16:29

for the dad to the

16:33

seed for him to see you get married,

16:35

and he is like going mentally, I mean

16:37

you just give it backyard, Yeah, get get

16:40

some rings, get a guy who's good at photoshop,

16:42

a couple of frames.

16:42

Yeah, literally fake it. Yeah, well, Eric, Eric

16:45

wants her last memory with your father to be a

16:47

lie.

16:47

Absolutely, the moon landing, just gidding, just

16:49

getting just an absolute

16:52

lie.

16:52

Do you want to get married?

16:53

Eric?

16:53

What's what does marriage mean to you?

16:55

The idea of that.

16:55

I feel like Eric is dying inside to get to

16:58

get married. He's sweety pie.

16:59

I don't know. I've only seen

17:02

divorce happen. I don't know.

17:04

Are your parents divorce trauma? Is that your trauma?

17:06

I don't know if it's trauma, I

17:08

don't know. You tell me it doesn't

17:11

doesn't feel like it?

17:12

Good?

17:12

That's great. Yeah. Now we're not trying to create trauma.

17:15

Yeah exactly. And we're not a therapist.

17:17

Yeah. And a lot of times, you know, divorce is way

17:19

better than staying together because then you're

17:21

just gonna fight, and then that's traumatizing.

17:23

Yeah exactly.

17:24

Okay, Well that's a good suggestion. Eric. Thank

17:27

you for chiming in.

17:28

If you are in Springfield, Missouri, I'm going to

17:30

be headlining The Blue Room March

17:32

twenty second and twenty third.

17:34

I'm super pumped for that.

17:36

And as always, I have a Patreon

17:38

where once a week I do group

17:41

zoom therapy. It's

17:43

not technically therapy because I'm not a licensed therapist,

17:45

but we just go around and share it whatever we want. And there's

17:48

a five dollars level where you could sign up and just

17:50

listen to the audio from all those zooms. And I'm also

17:53

going to be doing bonus readings of this

17:55

book, super Charged Self Healing by R. J. Spina

17:58

on that level, so I'm very excited about that. And check

18:00

out the Voices in Our Heads comes out every Monday,

18:03

where I talk about things that go on

18:05

in my life, but also at the end, I'll read a

18:07

self help book. And guys, I'm getting so good

18:10

at reading out loud. It's not even

18:12

fucking funny. Okay, once you

18:14

have cringe for years over

18:16

how bad you aren't reading out loud, eventually

18:19

you fix it.

18:20

And I fixed it, but I still

18:22

make mistakes.

18:22

But anyway, it's a great book and you

18:25

don't have to be in dire physical consition

18:27

to get something out of it. It's basically how we

18:29

are all much more powerful than we could ever realize,

18:31

and that your body is actually this magical,

18:34

beautiful thing that's capable of healing beyond

18:37

what the medical industry has told us.

18:39

And I'm very excited to share all that with you.

18:41

So check it out.

18:42

And this tour that I've been teasing

18:45

for a while, the dates are finally.

18:46

Locked in Carinfisher's I have the Tiger

18:48

Tour twenty twenty four. It's a fourteen

18:51

city tour. Chloe La Branch

18:53

will be featuring me for me

18:55

for all of these shows.

18:57

It's great.

18:58

You can get tickets at Carinfisher. And

19:00

here is the list of cities. Tampa

19:03

April seventeenth, Miami April

19:05

eighteenth, Atlanta April nineteenth

19:08

and twentieth, Columbus, Ohio April twenty

19:10

fifth, Raleigh, North Carolina April

19:12

thirtieth, Philadelphia May first, Boston

19:15

May second, Portland, Oregon, May

19:17

fourteenth, San Francisco May

19:20

fifteenth, Sacramento May sixteenth,

19:22

Seattle May seventeenth, Houston June

19:24

twenty seventh, Austin June twenty

19:27

eighth and twenty ninth, and Salt Lake City, Utah,

19:29

September twenty sixth. Again, a

19:31

lot of these are kind of like big one off. Some of

19:33

them are a couple of shows,

19:36

a couple are a couple of days. But please, if you're

19:38

going to come again, buy the

19:40

tickets now, because it

19:42

does If these things don't sell properly, it does

19:45

put them in jeopardy of being canceled, like buying

19:47

same day. So so many

19:49

the shows in a Washington, DC were incredible, but

19:51

like literally hundreds of tickets selling day out.

19:53

Are you serious?

19:54

You can't do it. Don't do that.

19:56

You can't do that to anyone you love. It was great,

19:58

but like you don't underst Yeah, how

20:01

how you can't do that?

20:02

I got anxiety for you. That's terrible. I cannot

20:05

do that. The amount of tickets that we're selling

20:07

day up. Oh okay, yeah, you gotta get them

20:09

now. I just don't think you know.

20:12

I just don't think you realize the personal

20:14

the personal stress we are put under. All

20:17

right, So again, Crinfisher dot com for all those

20:19

dates. I have the Tiger Tour amazing, amazing, amazing.

20:22

And then of course, if you want to listen to me, get political

20:24

going into this what looks like to be Trump

20:27

versus Biden twenty twenty four presidential

20:29

election.

20:30

Things are heating the fuck up.

20:32

Make sure to listen to You Without a Country podcast comes

20:34

out every Wednesday night on YouTube

20:37

and then full audio wherever you listen to your podcast.

20:40

He shoulds getting up? Guy, you know he he span knows

20:42

about me. Guys should seating up? Should

20:44

seating up? I'm an older

20:47

AOC. Yeah, I get your political opinion

20:49

on something. Sure, it has been brought

20:51

to my attention over the years that and throughout

20:53

the history. Like the government, it

20:56

seems like the government re a

20:58

government of any kind, but let's take the United

21:01

States.

21:01

Government for example.

21:02

They really kind of rely

21:05

on there's so much fucking corruption, so

21:07

to the point where it's like a government is synonymous with corruption.

21:09

I mean, it's just it's nauseating.

21:12

But although not as much.

21:13

Okay, so I will say, but although not I agree,

21:15

but not as much as I initially thought, because then Hillary

21:18

would have won the election. Like if corruption

21:20

was if America was truly as propt as

21:22

some people had suspected, Hillary would have won

21:24

that election. That was actually to me revealing

21:27

that we do our democracy

21:30

is I think more intact than a lot of people

21:32

would.

21:32

That's good.

21:33

Yeah, because I watched this docu series called The Octopus

21:35

Murders. Okay, Jesus Christ,

21:38

it was on Netflix.

21:39

It's on Netflix. I believe it's on Netflix, Netflix

21:41

or who I think it's Netflix, U huh.

21:43

But it's this investigative journalist who the

21:45

Oh my god, it's basically this journalist

21:48

was murdered by the government.

21:49

It was so so, so clear as day.

21:51

Yeah, because they stole some software code

21:53

and then they started to the US government, there's proof

21:55

of this, started selling that exact software security

21:58

software to other countries. But they had a guy put

22:00

a back door in the software code so they could spy on

22:02

other countries. And they had all these the government

22:04

had all these people killed. And then throughout time, like

22:07

they've had leaders killed.

22:08

Yeah, like yeah, god damn.

22:10

And so but this this kind of idea that

22:13

the government wants the people of its

22:15

citizens to be at odds with each

22:17

other, to be fighting all the time, to have because

22:20

because when you don't when when you can't

22:22

agree with other citizens and you're just so caught

22:24

up in the I don't know, ego fucking

22:26

hit of like a you're a Trump guy and

22:29

you're talking to a Hillary gal and you just want

22:31

to fucking punch each other's heads until one of y'all

22:33

bleeds out. The government loves

22:35

that because then you can't rise up. The people can't

22:37

bond together.

22:38

And first sure, you can't have a whole coups.

22:40

They especially do that among slow income people,

22:43

like you know, the stress and citizens out.

22:45

The number one group that I think is putted against each

22:47

other is poor white people and poor black people.

22:49

Yeah. Yeah, because it's a such a it's a

22:51

such a large piece of the demographic and uh,

22:54

if those people realized their similarities

22:57

and joined together, right, they would be stoppable

23:01

and that would be a problem.

23:02

Yeah, So that okay, I'm glad. I'm glad you

23:04

agree because it makes me.

23:06

It makes me rethink how I comment

23:09

or talk to anybody who has opposite political

23:11

beliefs and like.

23:11

No, no, no, I know, I know, we disagree. It's

23:13

okay, though, because we gotta we gotta

23:15

mend. We got a band together, you know.

23:17

What I mean.

23:18

Well, that's kind of the joke, like you know, when

23:20

we're when we are fighting, you

23:22

know, we are on uh unknowingly

23:26

becoming you know, kind of America's little soldiers.

23:28

Yeah, when we are fighting at the way we are,

23:31

and which is so interesting because a

23:33

lot of the talks, especially a lot of the talk,

23:35

especially on the conservative right,

23:37

is that you know, you want the ability

23:39

to defend yourself, to own guns

23:42

and stuff, and that's you know, they will tell

23:44

you when you ask, like that's because we always

23:46

want the ability to fight the government.

23:48

Right.

23:48

But it's like, as long as you're fighting liberals

23:51

against conservatives, you are

23:54

fighting with the government.

23:56

And you have no idea. Yeah, yeah,

23:58

like it's that's of course works.

24:00

It's on purpose, right, And it's like the people that storm the

24:02

Capitol in January sixth, It's like, Okay,

24:04

the government, Yes, the government is corrupt, but

24:06

you you're thinking about it the wrong

24:08

way, like for the wrong reasons. Really, like,

24:11

yeah, I think it's correct. I actually don't think it's as correct.

24:13

I don't think it's as excessively corrupt

24:15

in this country as some uh,

24:18

you know, Pizzagate folks would would

24:20

agree. And I'm not even saying that, Like it's

24:23

just like there's just some levels of conspiracy theory

24:25

that's just going that's just going too deep. Like you're

24:27

it's almost like in a relationship when you create an issue

24:29

where there is none because you're bored.

24:31

Yeah, that's pizza gate.

24:32

I just I was so impressed when France

24:35

they tried to raise the retirement

24:37

age by like what two or three years.

24:39

They were out in those streets immediately

24:42

like absolutely the fuck not. And I was like, look

24:44

at that unity.

24:44

I know it's a much smaller country, but my god, isn't

24:47

that nice to see everybody banding together? Yeah?

24:49

Well, I mean that's you know, also a lot of times when

24:51

you see comments from other countries, one of the main

24:53

comments will be like why is racism so severe

24:55

in this country? And I mean part of the reason I

24:57

think we're not trying to.

24:58

Uh correct it it uh more

25:01

is because yeah, it works, its

25:03

everybody in its favor.

25:05

H god.

25:06

Yeah, And we're so trained

25:08

as Americans, Like you know, I

25:10

think like other countries like really don't

25:13

see color, but we It is such a talked

25:15

about issue in that country that like when

25:17

you're talking to someone like I don't understand,

25:20

like you can't get it out of your head, Like I'm talking to a

25:22

black person, I'm talking to an Asian person, I'm

25:24

talking to a Latino part Like it's like you are

25:27

thinking even like with woman or man, I'm talking to a woman,

25:29

I'm talking to a man, I'm talking to a queer person, like, yeah,

25:31

there's so much identity discussion

25:35

in America Like yeah, like we're just trained

25:38

and we're trained. Like this person is different

25:40

even right now, it's weird, Like I can't. I feel

25:42

like.

25:44

It would be hard at this time to even like date

25:47

someone of a different like religion. I'm not even

25:49

not even of religion, like I mean, like, it's just like I

25:51

don't know, it's it's crazy.

25:53

It's we are

25:55

we are being pitted against each other. Yeah,

25:57

it does feel like that.

25:58

It really does feel like that.

26:01

How are you?

26:03

I'm good? Oh you know what.

26:06

I was so excited because this

26:09

was all over Instagram yesterday. It was

26:12

the twenty fifth anniversary of the

26:14

movie Cruel Intentions. Oh

26:16

okay, h crazyven

26:20

crazy to even believe that.

26:22

Oh my god.

26:23

I was like, I believe I was like twelve, because I think I was still

26:25

in middle school when that came out. I remember vividly

26:27

going to see it with Paula in the Yes

26:29

nice And I just wanted to give a shout out to this movie

26:32

because you know, a lot of people

26:34

wonder where a personality

26:36

like this comes from some people with a rude

26:39

tone and some people with the positive tone.

26:41

And I will tell you if you want to

26:43

know what makes Crin Fisher Crian Fisher

26:45

thirty, I'm gonna give thirty three point

26:47

three percent of the credit to the movie Cruel

26:50

Intentions. This movie shaped

26:53

who I am. It awakened my sexuality

26:56

more than the Yeah, the Craft didn't

26:58

awaken my sexuality, the craw It was just like spoke

27:00

to me in a language that I had been speaking to myself

27:02

in real intentions.

27:04

Cruel Intentions, I mean it.

27:06

That was the first movie that showed me the power

27:09

of a woman's sexuality in a way

27:11

that was not demeaning to women. Sarah

27:14

Michelle Geller, my celebrity

27:17

lookalike, she I mean, this

27:19

woman just spoke

27:22

to my fucking soul.

27:24

The power she exudes, uh

27:27

in the the.

27:27

Way she uses her sexuality

27:30

to control her stepbrother,

27:32

you know. I mean, Ryan Philippie, I mean

27:35

this is this movie

27:37

changed who I am as a person,

27:39

and I just wanted to take a moment to

27:42

salute it. If you have not seen Cruel Intentions,

27:44

it is based off the film Dangerous Liaisons,

27:47

not as good because John Malkovich.

27:49

Is just not hot.

27:50

I'm gonna be hot, just not hot. Ryan

27:52

philip is so hot. Yeah, this is I

27:55

watch it. It's a great movie period,

27:58

you know.

27:58

But the Cruel Intentions, there's a something about

28:00

it that will speak and I think it really

28:03

works.

28:04

And like.

28:06

Someone that i've on Instagram was reviewing

28:09

Saltburn and she said, oh,

28:12

it has Cruel Intentions vibes, and that's why

28:14

I watched the brand to watch the film.

28:16

And she's right.

28:17

Obviously there's a lot more like stylistic

28:19

choices in Salt Burn, and it gets weirder

28:21

than Cruel Intentions ever does. But you can

28:23

see the remnants, like the seeds

28:26

of cruel intention in Saltburn,

28:29

and it's incredible. So thank

28:31

you Cruel Intentions. I had two

28:34

huge posters. I think they're still

28:36

hanging in my childhood bedroom, actually, one huge

28:39

poster of Ryan Philippy's face,

28:41

one huge poster of Sarah Michelle Geller's

28:43

face, and man diad that amped me up.

28:45

Paul and I saw that movie and

28:47

then we went back and.

28:48

We started a club called the Cruel

28:50

Whores, and it was just a hilarious

28:53

club to start when you're twelve years old.

28:54

I don't know who we thought we were being

28:57

cruel horror toors. The sexuality

28:59

of a twelve year old girl is pretty intense.

29:01

I mean, yeah it was.

29:04

We thought we were going to run

29:06

that town. And by that town, I do mean you knew

29:08

New Jersey. I don't even think any

29:11

there's cruel people there, and I guess there's horrores

29:13

there. I don't think there was any cruel horrors though. I don't

29:15

think there's anyone that has really learned to manipulate

29:17

their sexual their sexuality in such a powerful

29:20

way, but cruel intentions. Thank

29:22

you so much for for

29:24

just giving me the gift of really

29:26

owning my that twelve.

29:27

Year old sexuality. Dude, beautiful.

29:30

It was a beautiful thing. I kind of missed

29:32

my twelve year old sexuality. Oh gorgeous.

29:35

It's just really like you had

29:37

this like we're never gonna die and we're gonna own everything.

29:39

You just like freaking yeah. It felt very

29:41

powerful, Oh so powerful, really powerful.

29:44

Oh Beautiful's when I started getting titties around twelve,

29:46

but they really came into fifteen and I was like, yeah,

29:50

there's an interesting So there's this graphic, there's

29:52

a there's a carousel, floating around Instagram

29:56

in multiple accounts that I follow a lot of, like Beyonce

29:58

account. Somebody somebody must have paid to get

30:01

this post everywhere, but I thought it was

30:03

interesting.

30:03

It's by the age of thirty two.

30:05

You should be smart enough to realize this,

30:07

and I'll read the first Okay, so

30:10

one year nine to five is someone's passive

30:12

income. Find new ways to make your money and

30:14

create your own income stream skipping

30:16

around.

30:16

No one is coming to save you.

30:18

Agree with that you shouldn't take advice from people who

30:20

are not where you want to be in life.

30:21

If you find someone smarter than you, work with them,

30:23

don't compete. Like all this stuff I agree

30:26

with, but.

30:26

One of the one part that they put

30:29

it on the first slide, which

30:31

I'm like, are you just doing this to.

30:34

To well?

30:34

The seconds lie technically to start an argument

30:37

in the comments and get engagement. But number two was

30:39

porn and masturbation are the greatest killers

30:42

of success. It will stunt and destroy

30:44

your brain. And I'm like, this is exactly

30:46

that's exactly what I want to throw it to.

30:48

Eric.

30:48

What say you, Eric? I mean as

30:50

somebody who is augh, I'm an avid

30:52

masturbase.

30:53

I think when they say masturbate, They're probably talking about

30:55

male masturbation. How's it different

30:57

from women? Like women

31:00

can just masturbate and get back to life. I think men

31:02

can't do that. Well, women's brains are I

31:04

mean, this is like a scientifically proven that women's brains

31:06

are set up to multitask in a way that men's

31:09

aren't. Men men men compartmentalize,

31:11

which I I actually that makes sense to me. I

31:13

can multic task. Obviously, I've spent years

31:15

being an assistant to people. But when I

31:17

want to really get work done, I definitely compartmentalized,

31:20

even like with my with my uh, like

31:23

grief, I literally sectioned off grief because

31:25

like I needed to mourn my dad's death, but then

31:28

and so I compartmental did

31:30

that and then I and then I had it. Then

31:33

I had to handle my childhood

31:36

best friend's death and then my breakup with Dylan, Like

31:38

those are all things I needed to grieve at the same time, but

31:40

I literally chunked them off so that

31:42

I could do one at a time.

31:44

I don't know how I did that, but I did, and it were

31:46

great.

31:47

Eric, Eric, what do I think about masturbased.

31:50

How often do you watch porn? Like You're You're you are

31:52

you?

31:52

You put you achieve a lot. Do

31:55

you feel like you have sacrificed some masturbation

31:58

to achieve more? Or have you worked in the mouth disturbation?

32:01

Again, there's no hr here, so don't even think about it.

32:03

Sorry, No,

32:05

I feel like, uh, masturbation

32:07

comes with a

32:10

lot of if you have like a high

32:12

workload, if you're a guy, you need, Yeah,

32:17

you need.

32:18

Where's my symbol? We're twelve?

32:20

I know, I feel like you got it.

32:22

I wish I was twelve again.

32:24

If I have a day of fourteen hours of

32:26

editing, Yeah, I jerk off

32:28

probably two three times.

32:30

WOA really wait so you can

32:32

bounce back after?

32:32

Because after I jerk off, there's like a

32:35

minute where I'm like ah, because I like to

32:37

like let those chemicals just wash over me

32:39

like a nice shower of.

32:40

Lights, and then I just get back into it. So you

32:42

guys can do that too.

32:43

Yeah, I mean he's he's young too, So you're

32:46

what's the what's the refractory

32:48

period is shorter when you're young?

32:50

Yeah, it definitely is shorter. But I mean,

32:52

I mean it's like I feel like it's

32:54

got to be very different as far as men and

32:56

women like because it's I'm just trying

32:58

to get the evil out. It's

33:04

like this tension that builds up over

33:06

time, and then it's just like, oh, I can go back

33:08

to being a person again.

33:10

Eric's performing an exorcism in the middle

33:12

of editing.

33:13

I have had a lot of men describe a

33:15

masturbation as getting the evil out, and I was always

33:17

like, all right, all right, but then when multiple men

33:19

do it, maybe there's something to it. So like, for

33:21

you, you will be more productive because

33:23

you are getting the distraction out of your

33:26

body.

33:26

Correct. Yeah,

33:28

yeah, it does clear your head, it's relaxing.

33:30

I basically only masturbate right before I'm going

33:32

to go to bed, because like just in the middle of it's the that's the

33:35

only time, ideal time, because

33:37

then it's.

33:37

Just it's just too much. I don't know if you get

33:39

like this, Eric, because I'm more horny like

33:42

a guy.

33:42

I think if I get the idea

33:44

during my data masturbate, I gotta go do it

33:47

or else I'm just gonna be thinking about it.

33:49

Is that I don't know if it's the idea.

33:51

It's just like I get this thing, and I have this

33:53

thing, and then I have to do this later. It's like, yeah,

33:57

you just go jerk off, and then you're

33:59

like, okay, now I can I can calm down

34:01

and look at this for a more a

34:04

more.

34:04

When you jerk off, watch do you watch porn?

34:07

Sometimes?

34:10

Wow, that's power.

34:11

That is powerful.

34:12

No, you said you'll get the idea to masturbate in your

34:15

head. So you're literally just getting the idea to masturbate. You're

34:17

not getting a sexual idea that inspires

34:19

you to masturbate, because I never really

34:21

just like unless I am unless

34:23

I have really really high anxiety and I know

34:26

that's the only way I can get to sleep. That's the only

34:28

reason when I'll get just the idea to masturbate.

34:30

Usually it's something that sets me off that that I'm

34:33

like, oh, no, I had this conversation or I had this interaction

34:35

with a person, and now I need to masturbate.

34:37

It's it's not a sexual thought that arises.

34:39

It's a stress level.

34:41

If my stress level gets to a certain point, which

34:43

it does apparently every day, I

34:46

just go time to time to get.

34:47

That vibrator out.

34:50

Well, So then that what you just described, it seems

34:52

like maybe you're not like as hyper sexual

34:55

as much as you are hyper stressed out.

34:58

Yeah, I'm just kind.

34:59

Of always horny.

35:01

And then when the idea pops into my brain,

35:03

like sometimes a treat during it Yeah,

35:05

like during the day, the idea won't pop into my

35:07

brain because I'm just like on a roll or the

35:09

flow state or whatever the fuck. And then other

35:11

times it just will and it's yeah,

35:14

and I and I do watch porn, but uh, it's

35:17

weird. I always I always masturbate to the

35:19

idea of my boyfriend fucking someone else in front of me.

35:21

I haven't watched porn in so long.

35:23

I used to be really into porn, but not if

35:26

he's been years, I just really can't watch it anymore.

35:28

I'm not into it. Eric, do you think that porn shapes

35:30

how you view women or not?

35:33

I'm sure it's doing some damage

35:35

below the surface, but I try

35:37

to not let it impact my real

35:40

life decisions.

35:42

That's sweet, that's good. What

35:44

kind of porn are you like?

35:45

What kind of porn do I like? Like, you gotta go to category

35:48

not necessarily, I mean, I there

35:51

are like certain is this just

35:54

you nervous now a little bit?

35:57

Yeah?

35:58

This is a quiz now? Yeah, it's fine.

36:00

Yeah, I know it's fine, we can talk about it. I'm

36:03

not I'm not afraid. I mean, what's the

36:05

worst that's going to happen.

36:06

I feel like I don't want to look at you either. I'm like, I'm sorry.

36:09

I'm making him home Comfortabeel like this is like I'm having

36:11

a conversation with my nephewet I get

36:13

reported, go

36:16

ahead, or if you want to share, you can.

36:19

Squirt is one squirt one.

36:22

Okay, that's a great one.

36:23

Threesome or group just

36:26

because it's interesting.

36:27

Classic class, a lot of people all having

36:29

fun in the same room.

36:30

I feel like that's enough. Okay, maybe

36:33

later the.

36:34

Third one gets real weird. That's

36:36

what he just revealed.

36:37

Yeah, the third one is just pissed and ship and there's

36:39

no sex.

36:40

Hey there's It's not really for

36:42

me, yeah, because I need to get pink guy. Yeah that's

36:44

not good.

36:45

Oh thank you my neighbor.

36:46

I was talking to my neighbor today about the elevators

36:49

of my building and he just had the biggest sty on

36:51

his eyelid, and I'm like, oh, this is

36:53

touff.

36:54

Please don't come near me. Go away. I'm

36:57

sorry your wife ship in your eye, but I want

36:59

that on me. Okay, you

37:02

know who I.

37:02

Do want to tell me to use Johnson and Johnson baby

37:04

shampoo that gets the side down.

37:05

Oh really yeah, good to know.

37:07

Yeah yeah, yeah, you.

37:08

Know I do want on me uh in a

37:11

in a conversational way, our

37:13

guest boy. These segments

37:16

are smooth as butter. She

37:18

is a stand up comedian.

37:20

She's the co host of Being Ian

37:22

with Jordan, and she has a stand

37:24

up special that you can watch for free on YouTube called

37:26

thirty Minutes with Jordan Jensen.

37:28

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jordan

37:30

Jensen.

37:37

I'm so happy to have you that I always

37:39

forget to wear make

37:42

up or nice thing.

37:43

No, I love.

37:43

I actually love that you walked in wearing camo

37:45

for hunting. Yes real well,

37:48

podcasting should only be audio, but I

37:51

just.

37:51

Forget and like I go to La, Like I

37:53

just did Amy Wineeshank's podcast and she just

37:56

you know, she had beautiful and.

37:58

I Sarah Wine Shank, Yeah, and we and

38:00

we are next week. What did I say, Amy? I

38:02

said, I'm not familiar with Amy Wine. It's

38:05

like Amy Wine. Yeah yeah, yeah,

38:08

yeah.

38:08

Amy Wine. Same thing every time I'm next to

38:10

her.

38:10

That would be looks at Amy

38:12

Winehouse's pot.

38:13

Dude, r I p that is as bad. That was

38:16

a bad li she's a she's

38:18

a bad bitch. Yeah, but

38:21

yeah, I always forget. And I just was at

38:23

the park rolling in mud with my puppy.

38:26

That's why I think that that that's your appeal,

38:28

though, like part of it is like if

38:30

you tried, it's

38:32

hard in the same way that other female comedians are

38:34

like like that, I mean it's a compliment. It feels

38:37

like not a compliment, but like, no, it wouldn't just

38:39

show up as who you are and who you are authentically

38:41

are.

38:41

It's so much better people recognize it.

38:43

Yeah, I can't. I've tried. One time, I wore

38:45

lipstick and I

38:48

went into a potluck where

38:50

that all my friends were having in. A kid that I know was just

38:52

like across the room was like are

38:54

you wearing lipstick? And I just started

38:57

punching the shop. I just was so embarrassed. I

38:59

was like, shut, So

39:01

I don't wear it.

39:02

So like, if you show up to like a date and your

39:05

and you're child dating, you've never been on

39:07

a date ever.

39:08

I showed up. I went on a date the other day because my

39:10

therapist forced me by hand and

39:13

it was nice. It was I

39:15

wore a turtleneck, okay, okay, which

39:18

was the most feminine thing I owned a turtleneck,

39:20

A black turtleneck. That's the most I don't

39:22

have dresses. And then I

39:25

but I had a car heart only.

39:28

A car heart turtleneck.

39:29

No, a car heart jacket. So that's

39:31

my winter coat. So I'm going I have and or

39:34

I'm sorry, I have twelve of them, but they're all car heart,

39:36

right, And so I just looked like I was like a

39:38

real estate agent for like cabins.

39:41

You know, real estate porn is really hot, so that could

39:43

have been very attractive to your day to get into

39:46

that real estate porn or real estate.

39:47

Oh no, I'm not watching porn.

39:49

Porn.

39:49

I'm against porn. I've decided I'm against porn.

39:51

What made you arrive at that decision?

39:54

I just I think it's I think it's

39:56

really bad for dating. I think it's bad

39:58

for relationships. It's bad for When

40:00

I watch it, I like compare myself and

40:02

sometimes it's helpful, like sometimes I'm like, oh, my tits

40:05

are better than that, you know, But other

40:07

times it's just like, I, you know what it is.

40:10

I really really hate the role

40:13

that the the

40:16

feminine in it. I really don't like.

40:18

That's why I had I was.

40:19

I was really into porn for a while and I just couldn't

40:22

get past the use

40:24

of women as an object.

40:25

The gagging is like the gagging

40:28

that's not even just a category. It's like if it's

40:30

a blowjob video, which

40:34

I get is hot, Like I actually do get why that's

40:36

hot because you can actually, if you hear

40:38

them gag, you can probably feel viscerally the

40:40

tightness of the throat in your mind. But

40:43

I'm also just like there's like tears

40:45

coming down. I'm like, let's smell

40:47

it.

40:48

Just don't admit it.

40:48

That's why gagging is hot, because your throat constricts,

40:51

not because the guy's like.

40:52

Well, duke's so big, she's going. I think it's

40:54

both, but I think the noise probably,

40:57

like you know, when you're blowing a dude, if you make any

40:59

noise struggle, They're like, yes, because

41:02

I was blowing a.

41:03

Guy this morning and that happened, and yeah, I was.

41:05

I almost got PTSD because I've thrown

41:08

up on it. The last time I did it, I threw up. Well,

41:10

we were in the shower.

41:11

Wait when it just was punched in the back of my throat

41:13

and it couldn't take any more punches and

41:16

it just came out like a frozen

41:18

entrey, just like fucking.

41:20

But we're in the shower, so that's good. Killed

41:22

the mood, which is fine.

41:23

Wait, you threw up today or one time a

41:25

couple months ago, it's awful. It's the worst

41:27

feeling in the entire world.

41:28

You're only going to the last blowjob, so this last

41:30

one I didn't throw.

41:31

Up, so that's nice.

41:32

Good.

41:33

Wait, you threw up throwing up blow job?

41:34

Yeah?

41:35

Really?

41:35

The acid reflux thing my

41:38

stomach after eating too much.

41:40

I'm like, yeah, right, right right.

41:41

I threw up a little last night in my mouth because I'm

41:43

so hungry that I binge. I like ate like

41:46

power bar to go to sleep, and I rolled

41:48

over at my stomach.

41:49

I was like, wow, Yeah.

41:51

The only time, I mean the one of the

41:53

most recent times I threw up, it was because I ate

41:56

too much, and then I went to the bathroom, threw

41:58

up at a restaurant, and then came back in order

42:00

dessert.

42:01

Nice. It was sick accidental blim

42:04

like skill the ratnerd Jane Curtains

42:06

vibe. It was purposeful, but I really

42:09

wanted chureros and I was like, wow, my body,

42:11

my body helped me out right here.

42:13

I've tried being bullimic when I was younger. I

42:16

couldn't do it. It would just binge, nice

42:19

way to go. I can't do it. It's control half

42:22

much of a gag reflex. I really

42:25

like, I don't like, oh gag and a little

42:27

bit will come up, but it's never I can't like make

42:29

my self barf if I drink too much or something

42:31

like that. Oh okay, yeah, mine's it's

42:34

really hard to create them once we're.

42:39

Roller.

42:39

And he was like helping me, and I was like, I feel

42:41

really bad and I need to make myself So I was

42:43

just taking bigger and bigger objects and trying to make

42:45

myself puke. And he was like, so

42:48

that one still's not doing it. Had I was like, don't

42:50

look at me. What

42:55

were you saying?

42:55

Where are you from? I feel like you're from silly okay

42:58

if you're a silly vibe.

42:59

Really I think probably just because I'm affiliated

43:02

with Ian I'm

43:06

from I'm from like you know, I'm from

43:08

the woods. Yeah, the woods.

43:10

That's nice. You actually hunted.

43:11

You just have a shirt killing animal.

43:14

Okay, I'm really

43:16

animal. I hate all people and

43:18

I love every single animal that.

43:20

Yeah, even a bug a bird.

43:23

I hate killing bugs. I hate killing cockroaches.

43:25

I know that's crazy, now I saved.

43:27

I was walking from a spot in the rain on

43:30

yes on Saturday, and a worm was

43:32

in too much water, and I picked up the worm and I put

43:34

it in the in the dirt

43:36

like in the cemetery because I was like, that worm,

43:39

I don't think that worm can get out of there by itself.

43:41

Yeah, but yeah he can, just

43:44

you know what, the water. He seemed to be strung.

43:46

I like, let I let him do it for himself for a couple

43:48

of minutes, and he didn't seem to have the wherewith

43:51

all.

43:51

Wow, Yeah, because I I.

43:52

Don't like getting

43:55

involved with nature if they can do it themselves.

43:57

But it just seemed like it wasn't working

43:59

out for yeah.

44:00

So it really is a testament to how much

44:02

people have their head up their own asshole

44:05

at all times that like animals,

44:07

I would much rather be in the company of any

44:09

animal than a person like It's I

44:12

often ponder that and go, why is that? It's

44:14

because animals are present with you and they're just they

44:16

don't want anything from you.

44:17

They're just there.

44:17

It's nice.

44:18

Yeah, there's so they're super. Also, I'm realizing

44:20

now that I have I just got a dog, and it's like the

44:23

way the way

44:26

people interact, like unless you're in Manhattan, but

44:28

in Brooklyn, when dogs interact

44:30

with each other because they're approaching each other like

44:32

hi, hi, Hi, it makes you say to

44:34

that. It makes you go to the person. You're not like, get away from

44:36

you, bitch, You're like, right, hi, hi, right, because

44:38

you're like you're watching two beings interact

44:41

in a in a in a good way where they're like we

44:43

sniff, we check, and now we play and it's

44:46

and so when you're interacting with people, it makes you weigh

44:48

less of a piece of shit because

44:51

you're like, I literally have evidence right here of how two

44:53

people should behave when they're interact.

44:54

Right.

44:55

But yeah, I've always met My dad was like a vegetarian

44:57

super. My whole family is like in saying

45:01

animal people. And I always was like the one that

45:03

was like, you guys are whack, just chill and then I was

45:05

like, all right, I got it.

45:06

Then when you learn like makeup gets tested

45:08

on animals, and then you learn how like chicken

45:11

is the life

45:13

of a chicken before you eat it, and you're like, this is now

45:15

eating your bad juju WoT that.

45:17

I know every time I take mushrooms, I'm like eating

45:19

meat, being like this could just be my own arm. This

45:22

could just might as well be my own arm. This is

45:24

crazy. But yeah, it's a

45:26

no. I don't hunt. I would hunt. I would try

45:28

it. I have Alaskan friends. I would

45:31

try it and eat everything else.

45:33

Yeah, if you're gonna eat it, yeah, yeah, but

45:35

I don't.

45:35

I'm not really like a fan of like ski. I don't

45:37

really like sitting in the cold. Cold

45:40

sucks. I don't even like it. Yeah, when

45:42

I was really fat, I used to love it.

45:44

I used to be fat.

45:46

How fat were you too?

45:49

Well?

45:49

I was probably one ninety in seventh

45:51

grade.

45:51

How tall?

45:52

You're kind of tall though I wasn't then

45:54

really, Oh you sprouted late, your

45:57

height came late.

45:58

Yeah.

45:59

Also, all my friends are taller than me,

46:01

So there's something wrong with there's

46:03

something wrong with Upstates. It's but

46:06

it's like Canada, you know how they're all like trees more

46:09

north you go, people just are way taller. All

46:11

my female friends anytime, Like I bring a pack

46:13

of them around comic comedians, They're like, Jesus,

46:16

what's going on?

46:17

Yeah?

46:17

Trees? But

46:20

yeah, the they What was

46:22

I talking about?

46:23

Oh yeah, that's my favorite personality

46:25

type. I'm very intrigued by. Used to be fat?

46:28

Those are those are the best.

46:29

Yeah, I mean there's just something a lot of comics are

46:32

used to be fat.

46:32

Yeah, yeah, it's what what

46:35

would you say is the main takeaway

46:38

of somebody who was overweight and then not anymore?

46:41

Like what what is it with your psyche or

46:43

with your.

46:43

There's a fundamental feeling that I

46:46

that if left alone to my own devices,

46:48

I will transform into a monster. Therefore,

46:52

people who used to be fat are very much

46:55

they're they're really fun to be around because they're

46:58

like, they're like, just stay in acting

47:00

with me, because if I'm by myself for a second, it'll get

47:02

really, really rough. So I'm just gonna entertain you and

47:04

be around you so that we can be best friends and

47:06

then you'll love me, and then I won't have to be alone in a

47:08

room where in which the darkness will Oh

47:11

sell Yeah, I mean, which I still am.

47:13

I mean, I still have a horrible food addiction. But it's

47:16

like it's I was also on so

47:19

much medication as a kid that I is.

47:21

That what made you overweight? Or is that what it's

47:23

vacation to get?

47:24

What happens is if you take I was just looking at it because

47:26

now I'm on prozac. I mean, I've been on prozac

47:29

for years. But the more

47:31

prozac you take, the more kind

47:33

of slightly dissociated you are.

47:36

That's why everybody's not depressed, but they're also

47:38

not happy.

47:40

They're not depressed. It's great, I mean it is. It's

47:42

you don't really change who you are. You just don't

47:45

get like like, if I tell

47:47

myself not to eat, that's an obsessive thought,

47:49

right, Like you're gonna temper, you're gonna control

47:51

your diet.

47:52

Yeah.

47:52

But if I'm on something that says don't

47:55

you're not freaking out. You don't have to freak out out

47:58

about anything. I'm just gonna hit dope of mean

48:00

a little bit more easily. Like I'm not going

48:02

to have the obsessive thoughts of to

48:04

hold back. I'm just gonna be like why not? Why not? Why

48:07

not? And then you next thing, you know, you're huge?

48:10

So wait, is the prozac for ADHD for compulsive

48:13

disorder.

48:13

I take it for OCD and for keeping

48:16

okay.

48:16

Because I have OCD too, and I've never I

48:18

didn't know that you could take prozac for OCD.

48:21

How severe is your OCD? Though it seems a lot

48:24

crippling?

48:24

Oh no, oh yeah?

48:25

What's the thoughts that happened?

48:27

And when do they happen? I mean when

48:30

I was a kid, it was like I couldn't touch

48:32

any of the doorknobs in my school. Thank

48:34

god, I went to like a hippie school. I get that there

48:36

are people that would help, but people. My

48:39

thing growing up was I thought people, so say we

48:41

met right now, and I was in high

48:43

school and one of you said, one

48:47

of you said, I cheated on my boyfriend last night,

48:49

okay, or I hate my mom okay,

48:51

And then you you said, can I have a sip of that? Or

48:54

can I touch that? I would think that your

48:57

personality where you're mean to your mom or your cheat

49:00

would rub off on me, and I know

49:02

it wasn't true, but oh then I actually

49:04

leave the room and everything on me would be contaminated

49:06

because you might have touched it, and

49:08

I would have to wash everything with ten

49:11

cups of soap, I would have to take a steaming

49:14

shower andvai No.

49:15

This resonates a lot because so even now, like my

49:18

my OCC is a lot more under control than it used to

49:20

be. But like I hesitate to like

49:22

someone's Instagram post if they recently did

49:24

something that I find to be like, dude,

49:26

instactically bad because I feel

49:28

like it will rub off on me Instagram.

49:31

I have to I have to do. This is really fucked up.

49:33

I've never said this a loud If I'm scrolling

49:35

yeah and about to put my phone down, I

49:37

have to and I end on a comic who I think

49:40

sucks. I have to end on a comic

49:42

who I think is good.

49:44

Like it does get

49:47

you think it's gonna get on you.

49:49

It's like it's a contagion that doesn't actually

49:51

exist, but then in the OCS mind

49:53

it does. That's really funny because sometimes I'll just

49:56

I'll have things and I'm like, is this a quirker?

49:57

Is this OCD?

49:58

I've literally called other people with OCD to

50:01

ask them is this an O c D thought

50:03

or is this just a current thought?

50:05

Is hard? Dog like is a

50:07

puppy, so she'll poop on things And I

50:09

have the amount of times I call my best friend being like, okay,

50:13

two wet wipes and there's

50:15

nothing there, but do you think I should take

50:17

it? You know, and she'll be like, that's completely sufficient, that's

50:19

fine. You know, she's been saving me my entire

50:21

life. But I used to do this thing where I couldn't cross

50:23

a crack if I had an if I had a bad

50:26

thought.

50:26

Yeah, hard, Yeah,

50:29

I had a bad your mom's back, that's

50:32

that's saying haunting us my

50:34

life. I very playfully was like stepping

50:37

on all the cracks, no haunting.

50:39

I was obsessed about my

50:42

mom getting hurt.

50:43

Yep, me too.

50:43

So I heard that that is definitely what it is.

50:46

And then I would just uh. My best friend

50:48

Brianna would be like, if I say sugar plum, that

50:50

means no matter what you're thinking, you get to move forward.

50:53

So we would just be walking and I and

50:56

I'd be like, and she'd be like sugar plum,

50:58

and then I could come. So then I ended up with me called her

51:00

and she'd literally pick up and be like sugar plum hanging back

51:02

up, and and

51:05

then OCD chose her as the

51:07

contaminated person.

51:09

Didn't talk for a year because

51:11

you thought she was contaminated. It just chose her.

51:15

Anything.

51:15

So it has like an entity because because you were saying

51:17

you logically know that these things are not true,

51:20

but so but you can't. That logic is not

51:23

enough to overpower you not doing it or not obsessing

51:25

about it.

51:26

The OCD logic was she has

51:28

always been I was always like the fat one, and she was a

51:31

really beautiful one. And then boys started

51:33

liking me, and I thought that if

51:35

I was if she touched

51:37

me, that the only reason they would

51:39

like me is because she had touched me.

51:41

WHOA.

51:42

So I slowly started pulling away, and then after

51:44

a year of it was like very

51:46

difficult year for both of us. I

51:48

was like it was OCD and

51:51

she was like, I know, and then immediately became

51:53

best friends again. Oh yes, she's the best.

51:55

Wow.

51:55

She didn't take it personally, no, and she

51:58

something like OCD I imagine is so invasive,

52:00

Like you can't, like.

52:01

How does it affect dating?

52:04

I mean that's why I'm still on prozac because I tripped

52:07

balls on acid once and I

52:10

was like, I'm gonna deal with this OCD. And and

52:12

and I like, and I went into

52:14

a trip for like an incredible

52:16

amount of hours that was like horrific

52:19

and also really good. But by

52:21

the end of it, I was like, the reason why I have OCD is

52:23

because I do not like I don't.

52:26

I'm worried that we don't know who Jordan

52:28

is. I could be somebody who stabs somebody or stabs

52:30

myself, and I'm always obsessing

52:33

about how to keep this unified sense of

52:35

self. And then in the acid trip, I was like, oh,

52:37

I am just like I'm like

52:39

an amalgamation of genetics and also all

52:41

the choices I've made and all the choices I've made

52:43

up till now have been Jordan, and that's

52:45

who she is, and you can

52:48

trust that person, like you can cut You're not a sociopath,

52:50

yeah, or I'm not going to be on a roof and jump off like

52:53

that's the right, right, right. So

52:56

but now I'm on prozac because if there's

52:59

I mean, I have depression also, but if

53:01

there's in a

53:03

relationship, it'll be like this, I mean it'll

53:05

be like it's

53:08

like, so, say we hang up the phone and you're like, all right,

53:10

I'll talk to you later. I'll

53:13

just be like, hey, are

53:16

you like mad at me? And they're like, no,

53:18

I'm not mad at you, and I'm like, okay, just double checking

53:20

you're not mad at me, and they're like I'm not mad

53:22

at you and I'm like, okay, but are you saying that?

53:24

Because so that's happens where you're like I need

53:26

a certain sentence to be said

53:29

and you can't let that happen at all because

53:31

that like totally erodes any

53:34

relationships.

53:35

So way to guess someone to get mad at you real fast?

53:37

Right, yeah, like

53:39

your best friend, like if you have, so I think

53:41

of the people in my life that I no longer talk to because

53:43

they were so difficult to deal with. But

53:46

then I'm like, now that I zoom back, I'm like, oh,

53:48

this is what was going on. If

53:50

I would have just known that, I wouldn't

53:52

have taken it personally. So it seems

53:55

like you have good communication with like at least that one best

53:57

friend is like she gets it. It's not

53:59

personal. Yeah, So that's really that's nice. You

54:01

can feel seen and heard.

54:02

But in relationships, it'll get you'll

54:04

get addicted to the hit, like

54:07

you get like like you'll you'll

54:09

have to then every time I call,

54:12

if it doesn't end that certain way, I

54:14

will have to get it the next time and the next time. So the only

54:16

way to deal with it, Like I still have one tick where if I if

54:18

I take my pills at night, I have to drink

54:21

a huge amount of water else I think I'm aout to

54:23

die in my sleep. And the only

54:25

way I could get rid of that is to not

54:28

is to take ones of a water and go and sleep. And

54:30

that's impossible for me right now. But

54:32

if I did it, I would it would that would be the step

54:35

to move past that.

54:41

Have you ever like did you have?

54:42

I know a lot of personality disorders or

54:44

like mental things can be can be traced.

54:47

Its roots can be traced to some

54:49

usually a childhood thing, but sometimes not.

54:52

Does OCD have roots in that? Like like

54:54

or are you just born with it?

54:57

I think you can't. I think it has roots? Am

54:59

I a person? Opinion? Is it has roots

55:01

in childhood? I think that if you I

55:04

think that you create a structure

55:06

of rules for yourself if nobody gave you one.

55:09

Yeah, So I think that if if you're just kind of left

55:11

to raise yourself, you're like, I think I have to tap

55:14

this three times in order for something bad.

55:16

So you feel in control right, like you're going

55:19

somewhere and doing something right. I'm being a good

55:21

girl today because I'm doing all the peopoo

55:23

peepoo.

55:24

And I also think that it's like an overactive

55:27

imagination. It's a it's it's usually

55:29

it's usually not like it's also

55:32

it's a it's a snowball effect. So like

55:34

I remember when I was little, my dad was like, don't let

55:36

the dog in your room. He'll shit in your room. And

55:39

I remember closing the door and then being

55:41

like did I close the door, and going back and closing the door, and

55:44

then going did I close the door? And that was when it kind

55:46

of started. So if right then a

55:48

parent had been like, no, you don't,

55:50

we're not doing that. We closed it, walk away,

55:53

that would have. But there wasn't any like they didn't

55:55

catch the science and once they did, they

55:57

were like, well, we just have to help her. We'll take her

55:59

to the I mean not my my dad was

56:01

like this is ridiculous, but my mom was like, all right,

56:04

let's do the ten cups of soap,

56:06

like and then one therapist was

56:08

like, we have to do exposure therapy, bring in some

56:10

contaminated items, and I was like, I'll

56:12

see you in hell?

56:13

Yeah?

56:14

Are you insane? Who

56:16

in my life? I mean, I couldn't even She's

56:18

like, I was like, you think I can touch the bag? They've

56:20

already been like incinerated, you know, right, So

56:24

yeah, it is, it is. And then I went to college

56:26

and I and I did exposure therapy. By

56:28

just starting, I bought all new things, and

56:30

anytime I met a contaminated person, I would be

56:32

like, Hi, nice to meet you. Touch my hand. Okay

56:34

o.

56:35

What is a contaminated person?

56:37

A cunt?

56:38

Oh? Like a mean person? Like when I get

56:40

their essence on you? Yeah, I see that makes sense.

56:42

That yeah, that makes sense.

56:45

I was like, I want to do like a past life aggression

56:47

on you or something to figure out there's deeper roots to this.

56:49

But that's a woo that's a woo option,

56:51

that's what.

56:52

Yeah.

56:52

I don't know. I've never thought of my I

56:55

mean, it'd probably be a boy or an animal.

56:58

I don't imagine my past life was a woman.

57:00

Yeah, this could be your first life as a

57:02

woman. Why you feel

57:04

like you might something through? I

57:07

feel like it's it's good. It's a good time

57:10

to feel like you're kind of just

57:12

starting as a woman because it's so

57:15

cool to be like non non binary.

57:18

Yeah yeah, but then everybody's like, are you non binary?

57:20

And I'm like, no, I'm just a bad woman. I'm

57:22

just insufficient, you know.

57:24

But you do you seem to like you still do well.

57:27

You have boyfriends and stuff like men are

57:29

attracted to you, right yeah?

57:32

And women or are you straight

57:35

by or straight straight?

57:37

Unfortunately?

57:39

I think it must be like tiring to keep

57:41

having to tell people that you're straight.

57:44

It's super tiring. Yeah, it's

57:46

super tiring. And it's also like it

57:49

makes me angry because I think

57:52

that it's it's almost

57:54

like being like you're utilitarian, therefore you're

57:57

gay is like right, No, I

57:59

don't understand that, but it does

58:01

stuff. Yeah, it's okay, And

58:03

I'm just operating like a man, like I

58:05

was raised by basically two men. My mom is

58:08

the most the least maternal, most masculine

58:10

person, and my dad was like a cowboy.

58:12

Wow.

58:13

So I'm like, I'm just doing what

58:15

they do. And then when I try and do female stuff,

58:17

my feet her and I and

58:19

I don't know high heels. I mean, it's insane.

58:22

I bought a pair. I have a pair

58:24

of.

58:24

Alison Olivia high heels that I haven't

58:26

worn in years, and I tried them on my house just for such

58:28

shits and giggles.

58:30

I fell over.

58:30

I'm like, what the fuck do women put themselves

58:33

through this? It does look really hot, but it's like absolutely

58:35

not worth the pain. I'd have to numb my legs

58:38

to be okay with going outside in those shoes.

58:40

Luckily, I figured out that if you can just go full,

58:44

if you are self possessed

58:47

in the masculinity, like Pamela

58:49

Adline kind of thing, and you're

58:51

fine, you just have to like you can't.

58:54

It's when you try and cover

58:56

it up, it gets.

58:57

A little Yeah, you might as

58:59

well lean in do it. It's something unique about

59:01

you. So like, when's the last time you were a dress?

59:06

Wow?

59:08

Did I go to a wedding at some point? Oh,

59:11

I went to a wedding. I wore converse and a nice

59:14

Okay, but I had to wear the converse, right.

59:16

I can wear a dress if if I

59:19

can, I can do it. It just has to have be punk

59:21

ish, Okay, you know what I mean. It can't be roofy

59:25

in college I could more. There can be a

59:27

farm y dress or like a punky dress,

59:29

but it's I

59:33

it has to be very nothing can be uncomfortable.

59:35

I can't be like that's wise. I mean,

59:37

yeah, it can be because then.

59:40

Then I'm like, why am I just because totally

59:44

and then I'm just growling at people

59:46

in a dress.

59:47

So, so, what kind of guys do

59:50

you like? And what kind of guys are attracted to you? And

59:53

they could be the same thing, but they could be different.

59:55

Guys that are attracted to me are the people who are like

59:57

a little simpy because

1:00:00

they want a dad, you

1:00:02

know, and your dad's

1:00:04

son. Yeah, and you

1:00:06

know what I mean, Like they're a little bit like, uh

1:00:09

poetic.

1:00:10

Oh, I love that kind of guy.

1:00:13

Yeah, that's what usually goes for me. I

1:00:15

think there's a little bit of I have the

1:00:17

masculinity that they're lacking. And

1:00:20

I also think there's a like romanticism

1:00:23

around, like

1:00:27

being androgynists

1:00:29

together. That's typically

1:00:32

And what I'm into.

1:00:33

Is like.

1:00:36

Guys who are really like withholding

1:00:38

with emotion and very nice. Yeah, I'm

1:00:41

into like guys who are very like I

1:00:44

don't I'm not into this. I'm into guys

1:00:46

who are into girls who are more

1:00:48

feminine than me.

1:00:49

Okay, interesting, what is that about?

1:00:50

What's at the root of that, because I

1:00:52

think they're right, you know what I mean,

1:00:54

Like, if a guy's not into me, I'm like, you are correct.

1:00:57

Oh, so they don't keep trying to like

1:01:00

like So it's not something of like I'm gonna conquer this, like

1:01:03

meaning like I'm gonna get you to like me.

1:01:05

It's not that in any way because you

1:01:07

don't normally go for a woman like me. You go for

1:01:09

this ex type of woman.

1:01:11

I will try, Yeah, I try my damnedest,

1:01:14

Like what, so, what's what is Jordan trying?

1:01:16

Yeah? What if?

1:01:17

What does that look like?

1:01:18

Good question?

1:01:20

It's not wearing lipstick, we know what dresses.

1:01:23

Maybe it's just Jordan having a conversation in her own head and I'm

1:01:26

not telling the guy about it and then just walking by

1:01:28

it's happens.

1:01:29

He's just trying. It's it's a it's a

1:01:32

like it's like a over

1:01:34

divulgence. I'll overly you know, I'll

1:01:36

do that, okay, or I'll be also

1:01:39

like probably if you were two

1:01:41

men in here, not women, probably

1:01:44

my demeanor would be a little different. I would probably

1:01:46

be a you'd

1:01:49

probably be able to walk in and be like, oh, she's like a little

1:01:51

flirtatious, you know what I mean, interesting, you know,

1:01:54

but like it's hard for me to do it with women because

1:01:56

I'm so allergic to the idea of being gay,

1:01:58

because everybody thinks I'm gay that I'm like, I'm not gay.

1:02:00

I'm the man in the.

1:02:01

Room, right, So you're Likenny, I never thought you

1:02:03

were acting okay. I never thought I never looked

1:02:06

like thought of you as gay in any way. But androgens

1:02:08

is the word. I'm like, you just have been androgyny about you.

1:02:10

That's like, and androgeny is so appealing.

1:02:13

It's a really appealing to you because it's it's

1:02:15

very rare. It's like a redhead, very rare.

1:02:17

I'm very sick of people thinking I'm gay.

1:02:19

It really drives me crazy because.

1:02:21

If they just listen to you, it's very clear from

1:02:23

your stand up that you're not gay. Like people don't listen

1:02:25

to people.

1:02:25

Yeah, they don't listen to people.

1:02:26

Yeah. I love the I love when people are like, no,

1:02:28

but you're gay, Yeah I know if

1:02:31

I was actually yeah, thank you.

1:02:33

I have a joke where I say lesbians

1:02:35

on the internet are always like, it's not a choice, We're

1:02:37

born this way, and then they meet me and they're like make the choice,

1:02:41

you know, Like I'm like, dude, yeah,

1:02:43

this wasn't up to me. It's also I have a mom

1:02:45

who's ten times I

1:02:48

mean we are gay in the androgeny. Yeah,

1:02:50

but she's like, I mean, right now, if

1:02:52

we had like a mirror to her, she would be wearing a full

1:02:54

nail bag, she'd have a bandana going around

1:02:57

her head like she is like a So

1:02:59

I'm very feminine compared to my mom.

1:03:01

Sure, but she

1:03:04

uh yeah she I think she would

1:03:06

have been non binary if she was in our generation for

1:03:09

sure.

1:03:09

Nice.

1:03:10

Like recently she was like, you just want my name

1:03:12

to be Dylan, and I was like, okay, I

1:03:15

can call you Dylan stupid.

1:03:20

She was just testing out the idea.

1:03:22

She liked it.

1:03:23

Her name is Cause, which is like, yeah,

1:03:26

it feels like it could be either.

1:03:28

Yeah. And she has she

1:03:30

has a quality that isn't She's not like a short

1:03:33

haired bowl dyke or anything. She has like long silver

1:03:36

reave hair. She's very she just is. She

1:03:38

is also androgynous. So I really just don't

1:03:41

I never really knew the difference.

1:03:43

Right, and well, I love an androgens

1:03:45

man. I mean, to me, Matt Rife is very androgynous

1:03:48

and that's like one of my mom's And he looks like

1:03:50

just like Donna, and.

1:03:52

That's what I find appealing.

1:03:54

Like, I guess he's like traditionally good looking, but I'm like there's

1:03:56

an androgyny there, and that's

1:03:59

I think women all almost aren't

1:04:01

like recognizing or coming to terms like

1:04:03

that.

1:04:03

I'm like, no, he looks a little bit like a chick. Everyone.

1:04:06

Yeah, everyone went to high school with the person that was like I

1:04:08

don't know if you're a dude or a woman, but you're

1:04:10

hot and I like it, and that's what

1:04:12

it is.

1:04:12

It's to everyone.

1:04:14

Yeah, I know. I always say that my type

1:04:16

is David Bowie in The Labyrinth. Ooh, he's

1:04:20

so masculine, he's so daddy in it, but

1:04:22

he's wearing a skin tights Like yeah,

1:04:25

right.

1:04:25

That's Bowie's brand of sexuality

1:04:27

is beautiful.

1:04:29

Yeah, big fan. But I'm realizing I am just

1:04:31

a personality. It just it has

1:04:33

to be somebody who is it's

1:04:35

a level of like hyper uh

1:04:40

I don't know. I mean it's like the they

1:04:42

have to be they

1:04:44

have to like be on board with like

1:04:46

a super amount of like analysis

1:04:49

of every single moment that's pretty

1:04:51

much what I need. A passive somebody

1:04:53

who's passively existing. I'm like, I

1:04:55

can't talk to you somebody who walks

1:04:57

into a room and like immediately deconstructs the

1:05:00

things going on.

1:05:00

At Dawson from Dawson's Creek.

1:05:02

I don't want to watch it.

1:05:04

I mean, he loves.

1:05:05

If you're talking about someone who's gonna overanalyze

1:05:08

a moment, you probably wouldn't

1:05:10

like him on the show. But James Van der Beek

1:05:12

now is like great on his great

1:05:14

follow on Instagram.

1:05:16

Okay, okay, and his mom died and he talks

1:05:18

about it a lot. I like that.

1:05:19

He's a really good grief counselor really it's

1:05:22

really good at it. Yeah, but he's like building

1:05:24

like thing. He like moved out to like rural

1:05:27

Texas, and he has a really big family,

1:05:29

like they can't stop having kids, and he

1:05:31

like will build stuff. I like people

1:05:33

who build stuff, though I need I need someone

1:05:35

to bring something to the table that I can't do. I can do

1:05:38

almost everything, but I can't build stuff.

1:05:41

Yeah.

1:05:41

I know, a really funny

1:05:43

thing happened the other day. I was like, the

1:05:46

person that I'm seeing is also a

1:05:48

carpenter, Like me cool.

1:05:50

And he was as a carpenter.

1:05:53

I was.

1:05:53

I was a contractor.

1:05:54

Oh you actually were, Okay, I saw

1:05:57

and knit. It's so fun. It's

1:05:59

so fucking fun to build something.

1:06:00

Yeah, that was my job through comedy.

1:06:03

Oh okay, I only stopped

1:06:05

pandemic.

1:06:06

Oh this is fantastic.

1:06:07

Okay, that's a very hot and high demand

1:06:10

job. Oh my god, you're so useful.

1:06:13

Yeah, but she needs a deck? Can you build one?

1:06:15

Decks are my favorite thing to build.

1:06:19

I wish I had known this when the wood rot

1:06:21

was small, because I was really, I really

1:06:24

was trying to fix it myself.

1:06:25

I was watching YouTube videos. And now the

1:06:27

wood rot has gotten big, and I get it.

1:06:30

Just replaced the whole thing?

1:06:31

Is it a part?

1:06:33

It's like so it's like yeah, it's like they're a whole

1:06:36

created in one of the planks. And

1:06:38

I was like, I could just replace the plank. But then I was like I

1:06:40

wanted to use that I forgot what it's called. But like

1:06:42

instead of having a wood deck that you have to redo

1:06:45

every year or so, there was that material

1:06:47

that is ever lasting now and

1:06:50

I just want.

1:06:50

To tech yes,

1:06:52

the tech thing?

1:06:53

Yeah, yeah,

1:06:56

I mean you don't you should replace that have you built

1:06:58

a deck, built a million houses, houses,

1:07:00

decks, houses.

1:07:03

I'm obsessed with figuring out how to build a house,

1:07:05

tiny little house in the wood because the framing

1:07:08

and the plumbing and the electricity, they're all little

1:07:10

systems that are so intricate and very

1:07:13

I don't know, it's just fucking nerdy and fun.

1:07:15

You just build the house and then you do the other stuff.

1:07:17

Yeah, you know, you frame it out, yeah, and

1:07:19

then you foundation yeah, yeah, you frame

1:07:21

it out, you do the foundation shit. Yeah,

1:07:23

and then you get and then you figure out where

1:07:25

you want the outlets, and then you have an electrician

1:07:28

come in and put everything in. You can do it yourself at a tiny

1:07:30

house. So easy, condo it it's really easy.

1:07:33

That'd be so rewarding to live in a house that you built,

1:07:35

right, So fun, really cool.

1:07:38

It's the best. In New York, I was

1:07:40

remodeling like storefronts

1:07:42

and stuff like that and stuff in people's houses. And it

1:07:45

was so tricky in New York because you'd open up a

1:07:47

wall and there would just be like a matrix

1:07:49

nest of cables that somebody had buried in there

1:07:51

that you're like, oh, man, now I know that if I this

1:07:54

is like a fire hazards and I have to fix this other

1:07:56

one hundred year old contractor's work,

1:07:58

you know what I mean.

1:07:59

Yeah, were there a lot of rats and cockroaches

1:08:01

in the walls? No?

1:08:03

No, no, really, no good. They run

1:08:05

when you hit the wall.

1:08:06

Oh so they were there, but they left.

1:08:09

Yeah, yeah, definitely get out of

1:08:11

my fucking way.

1:08:12

Okay, the demo is loud

1:08:14

enough that they all leave. I was always wondered that. I always

1:08:16

was like I did a crepe store that

1:08:18

I turned into a barber shop, okay, And I was

1:08:21

always worried. I was like, I'm going to hit one

1:08:23

of these walls and it's going to be cockroach city, right,

1:08:25

But it was. They're really good at fleeing.

1:08:28

Fleeing that's good, and I

1:08:30

don't they also in the middle of the night, that's

1:08:32

when they don't flee.

1:08:33

So right, okay,

1:08:35

sorry, we got on.

1:08:37

We were talking about you're the guy that you're dating

1:08:39

who is also carpentry.

1:08:41

He was fixing my sink, right because

1:08:43

the plumber too. Yeah, he's that's

1:08:46

yeah. It's like he was doing the sink

1:08:48

and then he came into the other room and I had all of his tools

1:08:50

and like was putting up this like whole

1:08:52

thing on my window, and it was it

1:08:55

was nice to It was just it

1:08:57

was just funny because I was almost trying to not be

1:08:59

too like you

1:09:01

build, bro. I was trying to not be too

1:09:04

like I wanted

1:09:06

it. I didn't want to be overly

1:09:08

like masculine.

1:09:10

I didn't want you know, don't

1:09:14

And I could feel that happening, and it

1:09:17

was just funny that he came into the other I basically have like safety

1:09:19

guy.

1:09:19

I'm like, that's

1:09:22

cool.

1:09:23

Though, and it's unique. Yeah, I don't

1:09:25

know if I've ever met a woman who could build a deck.

1:09:28

I mean, I like.

1:09:30

Habits that are like very stereotypically

1:09:33

masculine. Like I could change the brakes on a car. I grew

1:09:35

up working on cars. I fucking love

1:09:37

it.

1:09:38

It's a really good skill. I can't do that, and

1:09:40

I wish I could do that so much.

1:09:41

It's really fun.

1:09:42

I love.

1:09:43

Every field I've ever worked in is male dominated.

1:09:45

I went to school to be a director, I'm a stand up comedian,

1:09:47

and I own a baseball card store.

1:09:48

These are all men who own a baseball my

1:09:51

family business.

1:09:52

Wow yeah yeah, your family owns it,

1:09:54

and well, yeah, so it was like my dad opened it

1:09:56

and then like my mom was like helping him in nineteen

1:09:58

eighty nine, and then my dad passed

1:10:00

away, and I just decided

1:10:03

I'm.

1:10:03

Going to take this over.

1:10:04

I love.

1:10:05

I just love.

1:10:06

I don't know.

1:10:06

There's something like very fun and challenging

1:10:09

to me about like put inserting myself

1:10:11

in a male dominated world. And

1:10:13

it's funny because I mean everyone talks to me like I'm a fucking

1:10:15

idiot. But then also men come

1:10:17

into my shop to get free therapy and

1:10:19

they think they're tricking me.

1:10:20

How you work in there?

1:10:22

Yes, I go, like once a week, we're actually closing

1:10:24

it, the brick and mortar down because it's been for three years.

1:10:26

It was always like a temporary thing, but

1:10:28

I mean it has been such an interesting

1:10:31

experience. And yeah, everyone was like you worked there.

1:10:33

I'm like, well, that's the fun of it. Like I wanted to own

1:10:35

the store, to be in the store.

1:10:37

It wasn't like something like money grab.

1:10:39

Yeah, there's easier ways to make money than

1:10:42

a baseball card store, but yeah, no, I wanted.

1:10:43

I love being in the space with the stuff.

1:10:46

And I mean that could also be OCD two because it was

1:10:49

like, you know, extending my dad's life, like being around

1:10:51

his possessions. So I mean, maybe

1:10:53

that's OCD, but we're not even going to it. It was extremely

1:10:56

helpful.

1:10:56

And that's all I get to know with OCD. I

1:10:58

have that too, where you're just so like precious about

1:11:00

everything.

1:11:01

He's your dad dead. Yeah yeah, oh okay, well

1:11:03

he died. Let's talk about this.

1:11:05

He died. Uh. I

1:11:08

was twenty three.

1:11:10

Yeah, oh you were young.

1:11:12

Yeah, yeah, it's young. He

1:11:14

died of a heart attack. He was also a contractor, so

1:11:16

he laid a foundation, laid down.

1:11:19

He was a heavy smoker.

1:11:21

Yeah, my dad too.

1:11:22

Really yeah, heart attack, cardiac

1:11:24

arrest. Yeah yeah, so yeah, he

1:11:27

just went to sleep, didn't wake up.

1:11:29

He died in his sleep. Yeah, that's

1:11:31

the dream.

1:11:31

I know.

1:11:32

I know.

1:11:32

I was very jealous. I was like, you, bitch, Cozy's

1:11:37

crazy. It was crazy. So yeah,

1:11:40

when he died. Yeah

1:11:42

that also that does trigger the OCD where you're

1:11:44

like always worried about

1:11:47

that. You know, you're like attached

1:11:49

in a way and there's items you don't want

1:11:51

to get rid of because of OCD.

1:11:53

But I was also trying to keep the

1:11:55

smell on his shirts, and I was like but then

1:11:57

you can't, what do you do? Like, I'm like, I guess I

1:11:59

could have zipped, but I wanted to wear them,

1:12:02

you know, like I mean, I'm crazy, I fucking

1:12:04

like, like this is crazy. I like he

1:12:07

got cremated, but I asked

1:12:09

for a viewing because I thought that that would

1:12:12

give good closure, like where Jews don't usually

1:12:14

do, like yeah, kind of sometimes they

1:12:16

don't usually do viewings though open casket certainly

1:12:18

not. But I requested it and I'll kind of do whatever you

1:12:20

want. And I like literally leaned in like the

1:12:23

coffin. I'm like, like I smelled so

1:12:25

I could like like I can remember his smell.

1:12:27

And I think I did actually create like a

1:12:29

memory that I can access.

1:12:32

Can you access smell memories?

1:12:33

I can't. I can do that with my dad's stuff because

1:12:36

I did the same thing.

1:12:37

I was.

1:12:37

I was sniffing his everything

1:12:39

he had, yeh, and I was, and when

1:12:42

it was starting to fade, that was when I was started freaking

1:12:44

out and I was like, dude, this sucks. But luckily

1:12:47

the thing about the nice

1:12:50

thing is my dad smells like gasoline cigarettes.

1:12:52

Oh so you can get them smell dust.

1:12:54

Yeah, So like one of my closest

1:12:57

friends Megan, she reeks

1:12:59

of my father, so I will just

1:13:01

hug her and be like right

1:13:03

there, so

1:13:06

yeah, I can access that again. And

1:13:08

uh yeah, it wasn't like a particularly

1:13:11

he just was a dirty dude with who smokes

1:13:13

cigarettes?

1:13:13

I love. Yeah.

1:13:14

Even even when my dad was alive, I

1:13:17

hate smoking myself, like doing

1:13:19

the action myself.

1:13:20

It hurts my throat a lot.

1:13:21

But even like in the winter, I'll follow

1:13:23

people extra blocks who are smoking

1:13:25

because even when he was alive, the cigarette

1:13:27

smoke, I found it to be very comforting.

1:13:30

There's something super comforting about it.

1:13:31

Totally.

1:13:32

I love it, like the way a

1:13:34

guy will follow like a hot chick because she has

1:13:36

like a nice ass, Like that's me and

1:13:39

cigarettes.

1:13:40

I just I love it.

1:13:41

It's so nice. I totally agree.

1:13:43

Yeah, cigarette smoke with a little gasoline, Oh my god,

1:13:47

I love the smell. It's

1:13:49

so good. What is it about?

1:13:50

Idea fucking

1:13:53

love that smell.

1:13:54

I would like to figure out why that is so

1:13:57

good?

1:13:57

Can you, Eric?

1:13:58

Can you research if there's a reason

1:14:00

why people are attracted to the scent of gasoline?

1:14:03

Please?

1:14:05

It's the best. Maybe it just gets you a little fucked up.

1:14:07

Oh that's true. I don't feel woozy.

1:14:11

But I love when I'm pumping my car

1:14:13

with gas and it leaks and I'm like, that's

1:14:16

good.

1:14:16

It's the best.

1:14:17

How is grieving your dad lost?

1:14:22

I did not grieve, So I threw myself

1:14:24

right into comedy. He was we were super

1:14:26

close. So I went right into comedy. And

1:14:28

I was kind of in denial for a while, Like

1:14:31

I was like, y'all think he's dead. I mean in my

1:14:34

like subconsciously sure. I was like,

1:14:36

he's we know what's up?

1:14:38

Like you guys didn't know him, like I know him, Like he's

1:14:40

fine.

1:14:41

Yeah.

1:14:41

And then it would it was I

1:14:45

was like, I'm gonna move to New York, and my friends in Nashville

1:14:47

were like, let's slow down, you like, because

1:14:50

a lot of things were happening. My best friend got paralyzed,

1:14:52

oh yeah, yeah from college

1:14:54

and then shit, and I was like

1:14:56

taking care of her. And then my dad died and my friends

1:14:59

were like, just come to Nashville, relax. And then in

1:15:01

Nashville, I

1:15:04

started to start to grieve

1:15:06

a little bit. But then it was it

1:15:08

was only like a couple years later that I was

1:15:10

like, like just all

1:15:13

of a sudden realized that I wasn't going to talk to him

1:15:15

again, and that's when it really hits you. And that's when I

1:15:17

was like, oh, this is crazy. Yeah, and

1:15:20

yeah you never I mean, I don't think it's

1:15:23

like I think the grieving like continued. Like the

1:15:25

other day, my sister was describing when she found

1:15:27

him, and she was just describing that he

1:15:29

was the way he was laying and

1:15:32

she did like an impression and I

1:15:34

was like, and I started crying just because I was like, oh my

1:15:36

god, I miss I miss seeing him sleep

1:15:38

like that, like I know the way you're talking about. Sure,

1:15:41

So it'll come in these overwhelming waves where you're

1:15:43

like, dude, come on, like this is

1:15:45

crazy, it's been enough. Time's

1:15:47

your dad?

1:15:48

Yeah, total, just hang

1:15:50

out, you know, I can't imagine.

1:15:52

Yeah, or like sometimes yeah,

1:15:55

like he was the dog person, So with my dog, I'll

1:15:57

be like and sometimes I just do a thing where

1:15:59

I'm just like walking around and then

1:16:01

I'll feel a certain way and I'll be like kind

1:16:04

of fill him in, like do you know what I mean?

1:16:07

I fully like just have conversations

1:16:09

with a photo.

1:16:10

Yeah, yeah, why not. I definitely

1:16:13

have conversations. Every time I'm in the ocean. There's a

1:16:15

conversation because before he died, he was like, if

1:16:17

you're in the ocean and I'm not around, I'm

1:16:19

with you every time you're in the ocean. So now when

1:16:21

I'm in the ocean, I'm like, what's up, dude, I'm always

1:16:23

crying in the ocean, which is great because it's already wet,

1:16:26

so nobody knows. It's really

1:16:28

nice.

1:16:29

Do you not like people like letting people see

1:16:31

you cry? Is that like a hard for you some.

1:16:35

Yes, it's very hard. I mean my

1:16:37

therapist has seeing me cry so much. But yeah

1:16:40

it's friends never

1:16:43

really never friends.

1:16:45

Have you had to hold it in with friends when

1:16:47

you feel crying coming on?

1:16:49

Yeah? Oh god.

1:16:50

I mean I'm just like it's you know, I'm like, I got

1:16:52

it.

1:16:52

I got it.

1:16:53

But I recently because

1:16:55

my therapist was like, hey, I don't know, like a

1:16:58

lot of times, how you feel. Like I know you're

1:17:00

thinking, and I know that you're thinking a million

1:17:02

things, but like, how are you feeling? And

1:17:05

so I was with one of my friends recently and he was I

1:17:07

was so overwhelmed by everything, and I thought

1:17:09

of that and I was like, I'm just gonna like say how I feel. And I

1:17:11

just started like sobbing and I was like,

1:17:13

I just am too in over my head and

1:17:16

it was it was nice, but I did It did make

1:17:18

me realize that I'm very like reserve

1:17:21

yeah with my actual friends

1:17:23

in a partnership. When I'm dating

1:17:25

somebody, I'm like, I

1:17:28

cry too much?

1:17:29

Really, what makes me feel Yeah,

1:17:32

that's confusing to I mean to me, at ships

1:17:35

are safer than a relationship, right, That's what I That's

1:17:37

what I was thinking too.

1:17:38

So what makes you feel safer in a relationship

1:17:40

than in a friendship?

1:17:42

Friendship? I'm like, I'm worried that

1:17:45

I I have to be the

1:17:47

one that is I just I guess

1:17:49

I get worried that they are going to There's

1:17:52

something. It's like a fear that they will

1:17:55

become more

1:17:57

attached or something like if I cry

1:18:00

in front of them.

1:18:01

So do you like to keep your friends out a little bit of a distance?

1:18:06

I you know what it is?

1:18:07

That the affection that comes with crying in

1:18:09

front of friends.

1:18:09

I hate.

1:18:11

Like with Brianna, we both know that neither of us want

1:18:13

to be physically consoled, so we.

1:18:15

Can just shit, sorry I hugged you when you walked down.

1:18:17

No, No, hugging's great. Okay, hugging is great. It's

1:18:19

just when I'm crying, I don't want Yeah, just.

1:18:21

Get the fuck away from me.

1:18:22

I agree with you.

1:18:23

And and the problem with like being even

1:18:25

being sad in general is everyone reacts

1:18:28

to a sad person the way they would want to be

1:18:30

reacted to when they're sad, even if

1:18:32

you clearly tell them this is the way that I

1:18:34

would like to be treated. When I'm like one of my dad died, I was

1:18:36

like, I just need to be left alone. And

1:18:39

then I was dating a guy at the time and he really wanted

1:18:41

to be there for me, and I go, but that's not

1:18:43

what I need.

1:18:44

You're not craving right now, I am. So

1:18:47

we need to react to me the way that I

1:18:49

want to be.

1:18:50

You know, are you like a bit of an avoidant

1:18:52

in relationships?

1:18:53

Yes?

1:18:53

Oh really yes, yes, yes, so you're like

1:18:55

you gross, get away from your holding me back?

1:18:58

Yeah, I mean, like I me, I

1:19:00

was just like taking on a lot of boyfriends.

1:19:02

And even that language, I think tells a lot about

1:19:04

how I feel about it.

1:19:06

And I and then and I.

1:19:07

Would just like to have a boyfriend, to have one because it felt

1:19:09

like, you know, I'm like obsessed with perfection, and

1:19:11

it felt like, oh, someone who has their should who someone

1:19:13

who has everything also has a boyfriend.

1:19:15

But I'm like, I hate having a boyfriend.

1:19:17

This is purely for like this is purely

1:19:19

like almost like a publicity move at a certain point,

1:19:22

like I hate this.

1:19:23

This sucks.

1:19:23

It was like it was to stop people from asking me because

1:19:26

everyone's so fucking concerned when I'm single and I

1:19:28

go, I never been happier,

1:19:30

smile and ear to ear so happy.

1:19:33

I love I love me Wow,

1:19:36

so.

1:19:36

So so what about like all the intimate

1:19:38

stuff, snuggling and stuff.

1:19:40

No I miss I don't miss snuggling.

1:19:42

I miss fucking bad.

1:19:43

Wow.

1:19:45

We are opposite people.

1:19:46

Yeah, I am like, you're a snuggler, not a fucker.

1:19:49

Sex is fine, it's just fuine Yeah,

1:19:52

it's stressful as fuck for me.

1:19:53

Why sex is stressful?

1:19:55

Yeah, Oh because I'm so incredibly

1:19:58

physically insecure because of the being so per

1:20:00

fat.

1:20:00

Yeah.

1:20:01

I'm like, if I take my shirt

1:20:03

off, all of a sudden, there's like a plant in front

1:20:05

of me, or I'm holding a cat, I'm like, hilarious about

1:20:08

this cat. I don't see this. Yeah,

1:20:11

I'm super insecure. So whenever I have sex,

1:20:13

it's like, how how do I figure out how to like hide

1:20:15

myself? And also you know, yeah, oh gosh,

1:20:18

that makes sex very stressful. It's so stressful.

1:20:20

Well, if you do it with the lights fully out, then

1:20:22

you're not stressed. You can actually

1:20:24

but.

1:20:25

Then I associate because I can't see it what's going on? Okay,

1:20:27

because I also like seeing the sex

1:20:29

happen, you know what I mean, whole

1:20:32

light Yeah, yeah,

1:20:35

so but yeah, I'm definitely addicted

1:20:37

to like the cuddling and the and the nice stuff

1:20:39

which I don't get, which I don't do with friends.

1:20:42

But the dog is nice dog

1:20:47

a dog truly in

1:20:51

the world, we all have dogs.

1:20:52

Yeah, and then your dog's like a little like heated

1:20:55

blanket, Like it becomes like a little heated water

1:20:57

bottle, and you're like, this is great.

1:21:00

And they're so cute when they talking

1:21:03

about dah oh my god.

1:21:06

But yeah, it is uh yeah, I

1:21:08

think I I'm not an avoidant. I'm super

1:21:10

anxiously. I mean, I will stay in a relationship

1:21:12

that I hate.

1:21:14

Well, you, I'm an anxious attachment.

1:21:16

But I'll do this thing where if I feel like there's an area

1:21:19

of the relationship that's off, I'm like, well, we'll just break

1:21:21

up because it's not gonna work, right, Like, well, I'm just gonna go

1:21:23

And they're like.

1:21:23

What the fuck? I do that every day,

1:21:27

that's all I do. It's like, okay, well it's over then

1:21:29

okay, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. And then

1:21:31

if they're like yeah it is, I'm like what, yes,

1:21:34

what did you say?

1:21:35

How fucking dare you know this?

1:21:37

But you guys are doing that because so

1:21:40

that you can break up with the person before they break

1:21:42

up with you.

1:21:42

Is that why?

1:21:43

Because testing?

1:21:44

That's it?

1:21:45

Because like for me, like testing, I also

1:21:47

don't give things a long time to work out. But it's

1:21:49

because I anytime my

1:21:51

life is less better than it would be alone, or

1:21:53

I'm inconvenienced in the slightest to me,

1:21:56

the price of admission stops being worse.

1:21:58

So you're who I date. That's

1:22:01

exactly what I date. I date dudes who

1:22:03

are like you're in my way, get away from me, and I'm like yes, dad,

1:22:05

I mean oh shit.

1:22:06

Right, Like every I just feel like it's

1:22:08

it is.

1:22:09

It's extremely hard, and I think this gets

1:22:11

harder as you get older and more successful. But like to

1:22:14

find someone who's making my life better.

1:22:16

It's very hard, that's very hard.

1:22:18

I think that anybody spend

1:22:21

I think that anybody who is like

1:22:23

you. Yeah, like anybody who thinks I'm

1:22:26

in the way, if I'm with them,

1:22:28

they will make my life better.

1:22:30

Like that's this type. How will this type of person

1:22:32

make your life better?

1:22:33

I mean because they obviously I might

1:22:36

do when you.

1:22:37

Get out of the way, I do make my boyfriend's

1:22:39

lives better. Like I think even though

1:22:41

a lot of them are mad at me now, I

1:22:43

think they across the board, they would answer, she'd

1:22:46

made my life better.

1:22:46

Actually, yeah, that's cool.

1:22:49

I mean, he I don't feel that way, but that's great.

1:22:51

You don't feel that way about you and me?

1:22:53

My way, I made my life the guys a living

1:22:56

hell.

1:22:57

No, I think ultimately some of them after

1:22:59

I dragged their them through their dirt like yeah,

1:23:01

I don't Yeah, that was a long time

1:23:03

after though. But like if you ask them immediately after,

1:23:05

did she make your life better? They would say yes.

1:23:13

I think that. My whole mo

1:23:16

O is like what do I do?

1:23:17

What do I do?

1:23:18

Am I bad?

1:23:18

Am?

1:23:18

I bad am? I bad? So if somebody's going I know

1:23:20

what bad is, right, because I'm being

1:23:23

dismissive of you. So if

1:23:25

I say you're good, you're okay. But

1:23:27

if somebody's like, I love you, and I'm like, that's because you love

1:23:30

everything, and I can't even trust that, So

1:23:32

you're not the person to follow. If somebody's

1:23:34

like, yeah, I don't do this, but I'm doing it with you,

1:23:37

I'm like, great, I.

1:23:38

Can I can understand that.

1:23:40

Yeah.

1:23:40

I don't trust anyone in any walk of life who

1:23:42

loves everything, right, Yeah, because

1:23:44

then you're just not yourself. There's no way

1:23:46

you could be yourself because no one loves everything.

1:23:48

Yeah, Like even comedically, like an audience that's laughing

1:23:50

at everyone, like you know, you know that feeling when you're

1:23:53

watching a comic who everyone knows

1:23:55

fucking is a suck ass hack.

1:23:57

Yeah, yucking

1:23:59

it up. I go on stage immediate.

1:24:01

I already don't have respect for the audience,

1:24:03

so I tried, so I actually am trying to make

1:24:05

them not laugh so that I don't lose respect for my own

1:24:07

act.

1:24:08

Yeah, because I go, I go, I

1:24:10

know that you guys don't have taste, so we're

1:24:13

not I don't even want to play this game with you.

1:24:14

Anymore, totally. Yeah, I

1:24:16

try and make them feel really weird. Yeah,

1:24:20

oh you guys want to laugh. Well, now let's talk

1:24:22

about death.

1:24:23

Right, let's have a bad time.

1:24:24

Yeah, we're gonna have a bad time because I'm gonna teach you

1:24:27

a lesson for thinking that person is funny. Yeah, I do the same

1:24:29

thing totally. I love that.

1:24:30

Well.

1:24:30

I find it a little challenging to be a comic sometimes

1:24:32

because I care so little what people think of me, And sometimes

1:24:35

you need to when you're a professional performer. Sometimes

1:24:38

it would help me. It would make my life a

1:24:40

touch easier if I care.

1:24:42

Yeah, So what do you date people that are

1:24:44

avoidant? What if you tried that? Mm,

1:24:46

not that you need to.

1:24:47

I have my my boyfriend

1:24:50

who I felt probably like was most

1:24:52

likely. I dated a guy who was like, basically the

1:24:54

male version of me, but a bad person. And

1:24:56

I don't find myself to be a bad person.

1:24:59

He that was great.

1:25:01

I love it.

1:25:02

I love I loved dating someone who was like

1:25:05

me. It was really good. We

1:25:07

really understood each other. But

1:25:10

he was a bad person, it turned out,

1:25:12

ultimately. I didn't know that in the beginning. But yeah, so

1:25:14

it's like, if.

1:25:15

You date an avoidant, the problem is

1:25:17

they are avoidant and they do things like cheat or

1:25:20

or.

1:25:20

They just don't want to hang out. I don't want

1:25:22

to hang out either, But like, is that debt?

1:25:24

Like why don't avoidance just it? Why do avoidance always

1:25:26

get caught up with people like me?

1:25:27

You know what I mean?

1:25:28

Why is there that avoidant anxious

1:25:30

you both?

1:25:31

I feel like then you both feel the need to fulfill

1:25:33

a role.

1:25:34

Yeah, that's it.

1:25:35

That's just that that's an agreement in your head that you made

1:25:37

a while ago that you're still attached to.

1:25:40

If you were with an anxious attachment person,

1:25:44

that might be good. That would that be good?

1:25:45

Or no, I'm not good, I mean that would be I mean.

1:25:48

You're like, you don't have to worry about your anxiety fucking

1:25:50

up the relationship because they have it too and you get it, so

1:25:52

you're probably not pissed off.

1:25:53

But then I'm very mean then and

1:25:55

then you so you're the ying and yang

1:25:58

so being like I need you,

1:26:00

I'm like, yeah, you get the fun.

1:26:01

Ye see that triys me.

1:26:02

Even if I've had like you know, like girl crushed

1:26:05

friends, Like I've had friends become like female

1:26:07

friends become really obsessed with me, and like I've

1:26:10

probably never been meaner to a person and like

1:26:12

it's it's it's not, and it's

1:26:14

not because it's not. It's not like this thing of like,

1:26:16

oh I think you have bad taste, Like I think you have good taste

1:26:19

if you like me. But I there's also just

1:26:21

like I lose respect for people who are

1:26:23

like please like me, Like yeah,

1:26:26

but I am sure. You

1:26:28

know, it's so interesting you don't give off that, Yeah,

1:26:30

you don't.

1:26:31

Come out you're hiding in a relationship.

1:26:33

Oh yeah, it's bad. Do you give

1:26:35

guys a spiel before you start dating them.

1:26:39

They're press meeting, they usually I

1:26:41

mean before I usually there's like an

1:26:43

intensimeshment in like a conversation

1:26:46

that goes down a wild rabbit hole.

1:26:47

And then they're kind of what you're talking about

1:26:50

already.

1:26:50

Yeah, I mean. It's also like there

1:26:53

are a couple avoidant people that I've

1:26:55

been with who I just stayed super attached to,

1:26:57

and then the people in the interim are

1:27:01

like, you know, people that I was like, yes,

1:27:03

I'm going to do my best to love you. But I fundamentally

1:27:06

if that avoidant walked in and was like let's go,

1:27:08

I'd be like, all right, let's do it. Right, Well, I think

1:27:11

the ideal scenario is to get an avoidant or

1:27:13

to an avoidant basically is somebody who

1:27:15

is self possessed. I mean, that's the problem with this whole

1:27:17

thing. An anxiously attached person is somebody

1:27:20

who is insecure

1:27:22

and needs it feels that they need another person to complete

1:27:24

them, and an avoidant feels like they are complete.

1:27:26

Yeah, and that the problem with avoidant is

1:27:29

they feel that other people will make them incomplete.

1:27:32

Right mm hm, so I think fuck

1:27:34

with my wholeness.

1:27:35

Yeah, So I think the goal is say you meet,

1:27:37

say you meet somebody who feel self possessed, and they push

1:27:39

you away for them

1:27:41

to then be like, actually you

1:27:45

do make my life better. Let's figure out how to

1:27:47

make this. Let me figure out how to not do

1:27:49

this push away thing. I think that's ideal or an

1:27:51

anxious person to be like, actually I do like myself,

1:27:54

but you add to it and not a way that

1:27:56

makes me feel like I'm incomplete. I think that's like the

1:27:59

goal, of course, but the thing is the triggers

1:28:01

or the problem, like if I'm like if an

1:28:03

anxious person puts if I put too much pressure

1:28:05

on avoid and they bail, and that triggers the shit

1:28:07

out of my abandonment. So then I'm freaking out and being

1:28:09

like, but you need space, Okay,

1:28:12

I'll give you space. That was enough space. We're done, okay,

1:28:14

I mean your backpack, I'm behind you, you know, and

1:28:16

they're like, for the love of God. So I think

1:28:18

it's just a matter of it's just all of the it's

1:28:21

just basically being resistant to vulnerability

1:28:25

or being resistant to your

1:28:27

knee jerk reaction to respond to something

1:28:29

that isn't actually there to be. So when somebody's

1:28:31

like I need space to be like, that means they.

1:28:33

Don't like me.

1:28:35

No, I'm like.

1:28:35

The key to bagging and avoidant is actually pretty

1:28:37

easy.

1:28:38

It's like.

1:28:40

When they push you away, stay away,

1:28:42

and then they go, oh no, why are they

1:28:45

away? And it gives us the

1:28:48

false sense in our heads that we

1:28:50

can then approach at our own pace

1:28:53

and then we'll come back if we really like

1:28:55

you, we'll come back, right.

1:28:57

But there's the whole thing of within that space.

1:29:00

What an anxious person doing is.

1:29:01

For sure just bobstracting

1:29:03

yourself, distract

1:29:07

your avail. Like, yeah,

1:29:09

because I'm as an anxious.

1:29:11

Avoidant, it always helps me.

1:29:12

I get I force another crush on I'm

1:29:15

just going to develop a crush on whoever the fuck is.

1:29:16

That where

1:29:19

you're trying to date somebody who's an avoidance, So you

1:29:21

just spin all these plates with a million other dud.

1:29:24

So that you're not too much for any of them.

1:29:26

Yeah, and then by the time one of them is like, hey, let's do

1:29:28

this, then you can show them that you're too much later.

1:29:31

Yes, I'm trying to or really

1:29:34

what the spinning plates are there is to be like, look other people

1:29:36

like me, which is like sure, So I'm trying

1:29:38

to not closed, to be like just to be like, yeah,

1:29:41

I am a, I am a. And also I'm

1:29:45

also trying to just say the thing that's going on,

1:29:47

so instead of being like, you know what, I'm leaving to just

1:29:49

be like, I feel insecure

1:29:52

that you don't want to be with me.

1:29:53

Yeah, you know, which is freeing.

1:29:55

Yeah, which is super freeing. And it's hard for avoidance

1:29:58

to not be like that's gross.

1:30:00

In my head, I was literally thinking I'd lose respect.

1:30:03

Yeah the person they said that to me, even though

1:30:05

I respect the honesty, but

1:30:08

the fact that another person can make you feel

1:30:10

that insecure drives me personally.

1:30:12

Fucking insane.

1:30:13

I logically, I

1:30:16

think that that is correct. I don't think another person

1:30:18

should be able to make you feel the only reason why somebody

1:30:20

makes.

1:30:20

You feel to give your power away, right.

1:30:23

But it's like if I'm if what you

1:30:25

do impacts me, it's because I've ascribed

1:30:28

to you a disproportionate amount of power,

1:30:31

which just means that I'm trying to feel some

1:30:33

childhood thing, like I've decided that because you're

1:30:35

ignoring me, you're the equivalent of my parents.

1:30:38

And the desire for an adult child

1:30:40

to make up for what happened

1:30:43

is it's like a drug addict trying to