0:02

One and done. But

0:05

sometimes What? you're not done with

0:07

our people's comments. Really? you don't

0:09

want him to have a sibling.

0:12

Isn't she going to be lonely?

0:14

Or your own self doubt? That

0:20

the maybe there's uncertainty about I know what it

0:23

looks like you have siblings a don't know what

0:25

it looks like when you don't set kind a

0:27

scary to think that I think in in the

0:29

uncertainty people saying things like spoiled. No.

0:31

Social skills? long and like ship.

0:33

Is that true? What is? I

0:36

don't know, I've never had that experience with for

0:38

so is or something I'm actually missing your that

0:40

I need to be clued in on. And

0:43

if it is unlikely those are saying anyway. Only.

0:47

Children get a bad rap. they're

0:49

spoiled, they don't know how to

0:52

share, they lack social skills, they're

0:54

too dependent, and while these aren't

0:56

gross generalizations, if you grew up

0:58

in a big family with siblings,

1:01

it can be daunting to imagine

1:03

being a parent to an only

1:05

child. especially if the road to

1:07

your parenting journey wasn't an easy

1:10

one. And the family you initially

1:12

envisioned is different than the one

1:14

you have Now, I'm Doctor Becky

1:16

and. This is good and side will

1:19

be right back. Let's.

1:25

Be Real. Traveling. With kids

1:27

is a trip, not a vacation.

1:30

And. When you're in a hotel room, your

1:32

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1:34

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1:56

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2:29

Hi Sunita, nice to meet you. Welcome.

2:31

Thank you thank you! The same here.

2:35

How me a little bit what's going

2:37

on for you and what's on your

2:39

mind for this conversation to the Yes!

2:41

So I have a two year old

2:43

sat around the city of issue in

2:45

Israel and so I have loved your

2:47

podcast the whole time. I found it

2:49

so helpful and just being able to

2:51

navigate either such a young age. all

2:53

the things they're already coming out like

2:55

the with a thick steel a this.

2:58

Term support myself as I support her

3:00

as the same time trying to deal

3:02

with other people's reactions and that and

3:04

was. Made. Me want to

3:06

ask this question today is my has unlimited

3:08

efficient to have just one child and that

3:11

came after a lot of challenges a surprise

3:13

that are fertility experience had miscarriages and after

3:15

that setting up our family lives during the

3:17

live rendition we're going to believe love the

3:20

family that we have the way it is

3:22

now. A for both

3:24

of us week hum from having a lot

3:26

of siblings. And it's is

3:28

so crazy Thing was like having a child. And

3:31

time people I guess is are only

3:33

chopper going to have the reaction that

3:35

would guess the character reservations of for.

3:37

A such a young age already. Where.

3:40

She's been calls him things us in

3:42

the code you could be spoiled, are

3:44

selfish or have for social skills of

3:46

be lonely that she's not even to

3:48

yes how. How can we had

3:50

already thesis about herself? i

3:53

think it's a sin wondering how

3:55

to support his head when people

3:57

name is the comments about her

4:00

I don't know that's going to happen when I'm there and when I'm not

4:02

there as well. I just had to help her. So

4:06

how do I deal with these kind

4:08

of unwelcome, unsolicited comments about the type

4:10

of person my kid is going to

4:12

be, maybe based on our

4:15

family composition, but also maybe we stop right there.

4:17

Like how do we deal with comments people make about our children,

4:19

about the type of people they're going to be? Yes,

4:22

yes. That would be so helpful. Okay.

4:25

And just to add a little more context to this. Do

4:29

you come in with any concerns? Sometimes the comments

4:32

people make about our kids that irk us the

4:34

most are the ones that somewhere

4:37

deep down, we're like, oh man, I kind

4:39

of worry about that too. And you bringing

4:41

it up makes it that much bigger.

4:43

Am I responding to your comment? Am I responding to

4:45

my anxiety? I don't even know. So just

4:47

like help me understand what you come in

4:50

with. And I know you

4:52

mentioned, so maybe we could flush it out a little.

4:56

I didn't expect my family to look exactly

4:58

maybe like this. So my guess is there's

5:00

some more details there that might even be

5:02

relevant if you're willing to share. Yeah.

5:05

I think coming from a family of siblings, so

5:07

I have a younger sister and older brother

5:09

and I'm incredibly close with both of them,

5:11

particularly my sister. She is truly

5:13

like my best friend. We spend so much time together.

5:16

And I always imagined in my head when we would

5:18

have kids, we would have kids, plural.

5:21

And then plans all completely

5:23

went out of the window once we actually

5:25

started trying to conceive and we

5:27

had miscarriage and another

5:30

miscarriage. And then we kept having

5:32

to revision our future over and over.

5:35

Yeah. It is interesting when we find ourselves as

5:37

a told, like we're like living a life that you're like,

5:40

I didn't know I'd be living this life. And

5:42

other people seem to have a lot of

5:44

certainty about what that version of a life is

5:46

going to look like now and down the road. And

5:49

it does bring up like, okay, well, I know I don't

5:51

know this person seems pretty sure. And they're pretty

5:53

bold. Like, how I need this, right? Do

5:56

I want to take that in? Is there any part of that

5:58

that is a concern I should look at? or

6:01

do I just really need to work on kind of like

6:03

pushing that stuff away from me? Exactly.

6:06

That's the thing is I don't want to

6:08

lose the truth at that, because it's true.

6:10

Yeah, based on the family that we have,

6:12

we do need to be more intentional in

6:14

making sure that she's around other kids, that

6:16

she's getting to learn some of the things that

6:18

maybe when you have a sibling, it's different. It's more

6:20

built in and all that kind of different stuff. So

6:22

I want to stay tuned to that. And at the

6:24

same time, I don't

6:26

want to, I

6:29

want her to hear those things too. I

6:31

mean, she's only gonna be two here soon, but

6:33

she just picks up so much, I worry about

6:35

what's she gonna hear in those messages. Yeah.

6:38

First, I'm thinking about this really concretely right now. I'm gonna

6:40

say three things that I think we can do today. And

6:43

let me know if that speaks to you, or if you

6:45

feel like we've missed something, or if one of those things

6:47

is like not really relevant. Okay,

6:49

one, I want to spend a little bit of time hearing your

6:51

feelings about this journey of having one child,

6:54

as if nothing has ever been said to you about

6:56

it. But if, again,

6:58

if there's feelings of loss, or

7:00

just other feelings that sometimes

7:03

come up when our family journeys don't look the same, I want to

7:05

do that. Step two

7:07

is I want to talk with you

7:09

about what part of

7:11

people's comments does kind of

7:13

hit a concern you might have, and then

7:15

what can we do with that? And

7:17

then step three, what do you

7:19

say to people in the moment? Like what are our

7:21

zingers we come back with? Or what

7:24

are some scripts for what we

7:26

can say to respond? Or

7:28

if possible, it's not always is, to

7:31

keep that out, to keep it from never being said.

7:33

So those are the three things I'm thinking about. Does

7:35

that resonate? Any of them feel like, no, Becky,

7:38

that doesn't really strike me

7:40

as important? I like all of them. I have immediate

7:42

thoughts and reactions to all of them. Great.

7:45

Yes. Can you share a little bit about your fertility journey

7:47

and what that was like for you? Yeah.

7:51

I think it was, there's so many

7:53

things. It was devastating,

7:56

confusing, sad. Surprising

8:01

at the same time too. I think there was

8:03

a lot that I didn't expect. There were even

8:05

conversations that my husband and I had that I

8:07

don't think we would have had had we not

8:09

experienced all of those, really trying to

8:11

be intentional about what we want our family to look like, what

8:13

does family even mean to us? I

8:16

think had our first pregnancy been successful, we would

8:18

have just kind of kept going. We don't want

8:20

to question the story that we always grew up

8:22

with. But because we had to do that again

8:24

and again, it

8:27

made us just realize things that

8:29

we didn't really want it.

8:31

I think that's the piece when I think about even just

8:33

having one child, there's a

8:35

loss of the story that we have, but there's also

8:37

a lot of excitement and relief and definitely

8:39

a lot of surprise like, I didn't

8:42

know I wanted this. But now that

8:44

we have it, I'm like, oh, I actually really, really want this.

8:46

It's been a huge surprise to us that

8:48

both of us want only,

8:50

we want this family that we have. Yeah.

8:54

So it sounds a little bit like there

8:57

was a lack of intentionality. We each kind

8:59

of came from bigger families. So

9:01

that version of a family just kind of was

9:04

the one we filled in. Somehow that was colored

9:06

into the book. And

9:08

then it sounds like that still was on your

9:10

mind early on. What

9:13

did it take to bring this child into

9:15

the world? Was it miscarriages? Was it in

9:18

vitro? Was it just month after month? Was it,

9:21

what did it take? Yeah,

9:23

so we, after we had our

9:25

miscarriages, we had gone. And then

9:27

we'd gotten the advice that

9:29

it could be helpful to consider IVF.

9:32

And for us at that point, I was like, I don't

9:34

know if I want to necessarily do that. I think there's

9:36

something about, like you mentioned, the story thought they had been

9:38

colored in and we just kind of went along with it.

9:40

And this felt like kind of another piece would be just

9:43

kind of going along with it. Let's do the next thing

9:45

that someone else says. But instead realizing,

9:47

oh, I think we have actually maybe

9:49

some limits on what we want to do, what we're willing

9:51

to do, what we financially, emotionally, physically

9:53

just feel able to do. So we

9:56

took a break for a couple of years.

9:59

And then, We got a second opinion who said

10:01

that, you know what, you may actually not need to do

10:03

IVF. I said just go ahead and start

10:05

trying, see what happens. And that's,

10:07

that's how we ended up having our daughter. We

10:10

had, I had like some like progesterone and other

10:12

things just to help just knowing that I had

10:14

been with Caret history in the past, but that's

10:17

what happened for us when we, and

10:20

there she was. Yeah, it was crazy during that past.

10:22

I mean, we had conversations about what would it be

10:24

like to not even have kids at all,

10:26

which was a kind of wild thing to think

10:28

about. But at the same time, there was something that

10:30

almost felt kind of liberating and that is like, Oh,

10:33

yeah. Yeah. And I'm

10:35

guessing that's the thing that will come up again, this idea of

10:37

are we locked into

10:39

like one story of like, we have miscarriage, we

10:42

couldn't have babies and it's awful. And my whole

10:44

life is, you know, over. And it sounds like

10:46

even in that moment, you were able to widen

10:48

from that story. Like maybe there's a world where

10:50

we like each other and we don't have kids

10:53

or, or maybe, maybe there's different versions of happiness,

10:56

you know, that, that we could find. Is that right?

10:59

Yes. I mean, it sounds like

11:01

your journey to having your daughter,

11:03

you know, involved tough moments,

11:06

involve surprises,

11:08

and then also involved a lot of

11:10

intentionality around having her. Like we really

11:12

want to do this. We're trying this

11:14

again. There was kind of like active

11:17

decision making to make that happen. Yeah,

11:20

definitely. A lot of conversations. Yeah.

11:23

And it's kind of thinking and rethinking things. Yeah.

11:27

Which I want to pause on because it is

11:29

interesting. You know, someone once asked me in an

11:31

interview, but did you always know you wanted to

11:33

be a mom? And I was like, you know,

11:35

I don't know if I'd say yes to

11:37

that. I also don't think I'd say no to that. Like

11:40

maybe it was the book that was given to me colored

11:42

in a certain way. So it's hard to

11:44

feel like you're making an active decision either way.

11:47

And whenever we make decisions that way, kind of like, Oh,

11:50

the story was just kind of given to me. A

11:53

lot of things can happen after it's like, Oh, wow. I just

11:55

kind of found myself in this story. I found myself having

11:57

this number of kids or I found myself living in this

11:59

area. I found myself leaving my job or not

12:01

leaving my job. And I do think

12:03

kind of being an adult in

12:06

some ways involves always untangling. Like what was

12:08

the story given to me? What's

12:10

the story I wanna write? Are those two things the

12:13

same? And where they're not, like what do I wanna

12:15

do about it? And it sounds like the story that

12:17

was given to you and your husband, where like you're

12:19

gonna have a family with lots of kids and

12:22

then you two actively made a decision

12:24

of our story that we are going

12:26

to write involves having one child.

12:28

We are authoring that story. Yes,

12:32

completely. And so

12:34

while it sounds like maybe there was sadness and loss

12:37

along the journey just in those moments, which are

12:39

always hard, right? When we're trying to get

12:41

pregnant, tell me if this is right. It

12:43

sounds like that's not a very big part of your experience right

12:45

now. Yeah, it really is.

12:47

I think I talk about it with my husband

12:49

a lot and sometimes he worries that because I

12:52

talk about how she

12:54

like amazing and confident and

12:56

good. I feel about the decision for sure. There's moments

12:58

of loss that are still there. I can feel

13:01

both of those things at the same time. I

13:03

think he worries, it's like, oh, are you sure about this? I'm

13:05

like, actually, I just keep talking to him. I'm so surprised by,

13:07

I don't really got about this. It just feels so right for

13:09

our family. I don't think I would have known that until I

13:11

met our daughter. I think that was part of it too. I

13:14

don't know how to plan our family until I actually met our

13:18

family. When I met our family, I'm like, oh, this is it.

13:20

It feels great. And maybe

13:22

it sounds like sillier, concrete, but

13:25

I actually recommend like writing

13:27

that down. Either as a reminder

13:29

on your phone that goes off or as a

13:31

post it somewhere, some version. There's

13:34

no magic to these words,

13:36

but something like I feel

13:38

good about our family.

13:40

I feel good about having one

13:42

child. Right now in this moment,

13:45

looking at our family, which is me,

13:47

my husband and our one daughter, I

13:50

feel very good and complete. Actually

13:53

writing that down, Sanita, I feel like would be

13:56

truly like grounding for you. It

13:59

does come in the... Yes, because there's

14:01

such a swirl around us all the time There's

14:03

so many like I always call it like a

14:05

lot of chirping always, right? All

14:07

of that chirping has so much more to do

14:09

with people struggles in their own story than

14:11

any of us But it's hard to remember

14:14

that and so being grounded in our own

14:16

story right and someone might be listening to

14:18

the thinking I have one kid and then I'm not as confident

14:20

as Sunita is I actually

14:22

still have a much bigger piece of my

14:24

experience that involves loss. That's okay. That's not better

14:27

or worse It just is I would still write

14:29

that down me looking at you

14:31

know My family with our one kid or

14:33

my one kid, you know Maybe

14:35

your story is I'm grateful for my child

14:37

and I do still have a longing for

14:39

another like if that's your story That's just

14:41

as good to write down. But knowing what

14:43

your story is is really

14:45

key in separating out what's

14:48

going on for me and

14:51

What are kind of the other chirpings

14:53

all around me? So maybe let's move

14:55

to those chirpings, right? That's kind of

14:57

step two. We said what about what

15:01

people say maybe does you

15:04

know kind of Click

15:07

into a concern or worry

15:09

you have so when people say, you know, she's

15:11

never gonna learn to share You

15:13

know, she's never gonna have anyone to play

15:15

with she's gonna be really selfish, right? These

15:17

are maybe some of the chirpings people right

15:20

say I'm just curious if we just take those

15:22

comments and you done We say okay. Those are

15:24

all different comments But if

15:26

comments from other people bother us because they

15:28

tap into some Concern

15:31

or worry we have looking

15:33

at that part of it is really really

15:35

important and actually really empowering because again We're

15:38

just separating you from me. So

15:40

which of those even right away? They're never gonna have anyone

15:42

to play with They're never gonna learn how to share. They're

15:44

gonna be really selfish. Which would you

15:46

identify? Ooh, Becky? That's that that's the

15:48

loudest one in my body. I think It's

15:52

the play with heart Mmm,

15:55

actually because I think about so I'm

15:58

Indian that my husband is white So,

16:00

our daughter is interracial. So,

16:03

I think there's something about when people say,

16:05

like, oh, she can be lonely. There's

16:08

the loneliness that—the loneliness

16:10

of being interracial that we are

16:12

not, both of her parents are not. So, being able

16:15

to, like, if she has a sibling, there would

16:17

be someone else who at least

16:19

has a somewhat similar experience that we can't replicate that

16:21

in ourselves, if we will never be that. We

16:24

won't have her lived experience, even if there were some of

16:26

the siblings. They wouldn't necessarily have her experience anyway. I

16:29

think that's the piece that hits me and says, oh,

16:31

she's going to be a different kind of lonely than

16:33

either of us have ever experienced. So,

16:36

there's this story in general of only

16:39

kids don't have someone to play with, right? They

16:41

can feel a little lonely sometimes. But

16:43

what you're adding is—and tell

16:46

me if that's right—neither you nor your husband is

16:48

interracial. Is that correct? Yes.

16:50

Yes. Mm-hmm. So,

16:53

my child won't have someone else in the family

16:56

who's living through that with her. Yeah.

16:59

Mm-hmm. And so, there might

17:01

be times he wishes she had someone to play

17:03

magnetals with or throw a football with. There

17:06

also might be moments, right, where she's looking

17:08

at both of you. And I'm

17:10

just going to say, it's like, you don't know what this is like. Yes.

17:14

Yes. And what does that bring up

17:16

for you? You don't know

17:18

what this is like, Mom. Dad, you don't know

17:20

what it's like. You know, I'm part white, I'm

17:22

part Indian. That is so hard. You don't know

17:24

what that's like to navigate that. I

17:27

didn't have a first reaction. It was like, God,

17:29

I mean, you're exactly right. You're so right. I

17:32

know—and that's the thing. I think I'm trying to

17:34

pull to my own experience of knowing what it

17:36

feels like to be not Indian enough to

17:39

Indian to be in certain circles. But

17:42

that's just even as someone who is fully

17:44

in this group. I think that's it. I'm

17:46

like, yeah, you're exactly right. I

17:48

don't know that. I don't know anything

17:50

about that, and that's scary. What

17:53

I love about your response is when our kids come

17:55

at us for anything. For

17:58

you, it may be, you know, you don't know what— like

18:00

to be interracial or for someone else, you know,

18:02

in their family and might be, you don't know

18:04

what it's like to be the only kid without

18:06

TikTok. That reaction, I'm like,

18:08

you're right. I don't know.

18:11

You and I, Cindy DeWright, are both psychologists and

18:13

probably all the time we hear people's stories that

18:16

we're curious about, want to

18:18

help them kind of figure out

18:20

their struggles. But inherently, we've

18:23

never walked in their shoes. Ever. Does

18:27

that ever come up in your private or do you have a

18:29

private practice? Do you see people individually or you work in a

18:31

different capacity? Yeah, I work at

18:33

a group practice with adults and, you know, right as

18:35

you were saying, I was like, yeah, you're right. I,

18:37

there's so many stories that I don't know. And I

18:39

think I'm expecting to go into this

18:41

not knowing the stories. So I can just come in

18:43

and be like, yeah, I'm curious. I want to know

18:45

all the stories. And I think already as

18:48

a parent, I have this expectation. I'm like, oh, I

18:50

should know how you do this so that I can

18:52

tell you how to do it. If I don't know

18:54

how to tell you to do it, then how do

18:56

I help you? It

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20:14

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a lot of rudeness. And

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20:25

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20:30

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21:01

it out in the link in my show notes or

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through Good Inside dot com. For

21:11

every family structure, someone has one

21:13

kid, someone has three kids all,

21:15

you know, ten months apart,

21:18

someone has kids who are eight years apart

21:20

and they wish they were closer. Like

21:22

no matter what your family structure is,

21:25

there's going to be parts of that that feel

21:27

easy and natural and there's going to be parts of that that

21:29

are tricky. Every single one. And

21:31

one of the moments that you seem to

21:34

identify with your daughter that will be tricky

21:36

are those moments of you don't understand or

21:38

even some kids will say, I

21:40

wish you had another kid. Why didn't

21:43

you give me a sister? Why didn't you give me a brother? Kids

21:45

say that, right? I mean, kids also with a million

21:48

brothers and sisters will say, I wish you didn't have

21:50

these brothers and sisters. They both

21:52

happen. And your stamps, I

21:54

feel like that will just leave you

21:57

so prepared is it's a different version

21:59

of your right. But just like, I'm so

22:01

glad you're talking to me about this. Feels

22:03

to me like the number one line parents need

22:05

to memorize. Like, especially when their kids come at

22:08

them with like feeling upset with them. You

22:10

don't understand. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

22:12

Why didn't you give me a sibling? I'm

22:15

so glad you're talking to me about that. You seem

22:17

to, you know, have thoughts and feelings about that. You're

22:19

right to have those thoughts and feelings. I'd love to hear more.

22:22

Yes. It's such

22:24

a good point. It's funny, even though my daughter is so young,

22:26

I feel like saying that in the

22:29

language that she had now, but I'm so glad you're

22:31

talking about this right now. She's been getting so upset

22:33

that she wears bangles, like with the Indian, you know,

22:35

bracelets and she loves wearing them at night. I'm like,

22:37

you cannot wear these at night to bed. But she

22:39

wants us to sit there and we just like talk

22:41

about, we talk about it. I was like, you

22:44

want to wear the bangles. You want to wear the

22:46

bangles. Yeah. Tell me about that. We're going to take

22:48

them off eventually. But just having that and all that

22:50

she needs to, I was like shocked the other day.

22:52

She handed, like she put her arm out for me

22:54

to take them off. I'm like, oh my gosh, that

22:57

warmth. You're letting me take this off

22:59

without a full meltdown. Yeah. Right. So

23:01

worked. I know those are like, the most you're like, wow, there's

23:03

something to this. Yeah. You

23:06

know, and I use that line with a lot

23:08

with my kids when they're younger, when they were

23:10

younger, like they'd have a meltdown about something

23:12

and saying to them, I'm so

23:15

glad I know how important this is to you, which

23:17

is another version of I'm so glad you're talking to

23:19

me about this now again, that

23:21

doesn't mean knowing how important it is

23:23

for them to have, I don't know,

23:25

the 15th Oreo they're eating

23:27

doesn't mean I'm giving that 16th Oreo. Like

23:30

actually those are two totally separate things,

23:32

but there's something about responding to a

23:34

kid's big emotional expression to us

23:36

by saying like, I'm so glad I know about

23:38

this. Again, I think like if I was

23:40

really mad at my husband and I kind of raged at him and

23:42

he was like, wow, that's a lot, but also I'm so glad I

23:45

know about how important this is. I would just melt.

23:47

I'd be like, Oh, you're right. It is

23:49

important. You know, that's so true. And

23:52

so I think when it comes to that

23:55

worry you have or that fear, right, the worries

23:57

and fears we have about our kids, they get

23:59

older. Oh, what if they're lonely? What

24:02

if they come at me one day saying, oh,

24:04

I wish I had

24:06

a sibling? Like, in general,

24:08

I find the things that we worry about with

24:10

our kids, if we turn it

24:13

to ourselves and say, okay, let me just tell myself that will

24:15

happen. Oh, I worry that one

24:17

day my kid's going to say, you don't understand.

24:19

One day my kid will say, you don't understand.

24:21

I worry one day my kid's going to say,

24:23

yeah, I wish you gave me a sibling. One

24:25

day my kid will say, I wish you gave

24:27

me a sibling, right? Like, making it into a

24:29

fact and then telling myself, and

24:32

I will be able to deal with that.

24:34

And that will be a point of learning

24:36

and probably connection between us. And that will

24:38

actually probably be a really important, hard, painful,

24:42

have my own stuff come up, and

24:44

important moment, really changes things

24:47

from a worry that's swirling around

24:49

me and making me feel overwhelmed

24:52

to something I can picture

24:54

and actually kind of feel competent about.

24:57

That resonates at all. It really does.

24:59

And, you know, even hearing it that way,

25:01

just taking that, like, this is going to

25:03

happen. I feel like it

25:05

would take me away from spending so much time

25:07

having the thought, it circulates, circulates, circulates. The number

25:09

of times I've had my husband, like, how are

25:11

we going to do when she, you know, ask

25:13

about if she can have another sibling? I spend

25:15

so much time worrying about

25:18

that, that I miss things that

25:20

are actually happening right now, even. I think

25:22

that's so right. And I'm sure

25:24

there's people listening and you're thinking like, oh, this issue

25:26

doesn't apply to me. And on the

25:28

surface, you know, we all have different issues. But underneath, probably

25:30

one of the things all of us do as parents

25:32

at times is we lose a

25:34

lot of time and energy to worries we have

25:37

about the future. And one

25:39

of the things about worries and our own anxiety is

25:42

that we

25:44

often think we can make anxiety and worry

25:46

better by kind

25:48

of like going down a rabbit hole and

25:50

like thinking about it forever or game planning

25:53

about it. But actually, one of the

25:55

best things we can do for anxiety is just remind

25:57

ourselves that we're capable because anxiety. kind

26:00

of pauses or deescalates when you're mind yourself, wait, like

26:02

I'm a capable person and if and when that thing

26:04

happens, I'll be able to deal with it. And so,

26:07

you know, what about when my kid, you know, asked

26:09

for a phone and I don't want to give it

26:11

to them, it's such a swirl versus one day my

26:13

kid's going to ask for a phone. I'm

26:15

not going to want to give it to them. And I'm going to

26:17

be able to cope with that. I will, when

26:20

that moment comes, I will get through it. I'm

26:22

a good, strong, capable parent and I can do

26:24

it. And all of a sudden the nervous, spiraling

26:26

energy transitions into like, wow,

26:28

like I'm kind

26:30

of a badass energy. Yeah,

26:33

it really does. It's like it gives me somewhere else to go,

26:35

whether it is like, I want to handle it. I just love

26:37

learning. So like, let me learn about how to handle it. Or

26:39

just know like, yeah, I'm going to handle it. So let me

26:42

focus on things that are actually happening right now in my life.

26:45

I love that. I love that decision tree. I'm going to

26:47

handle it. Do I want to spend my time now thinking

26:49

about how to handle it? Or I'm going to handle it.

26:51

So actually, what else do I want to put energy

26:53

towards in the meantime? Yeah, great.

26:55

So okay. So here's the third category of things we said

26:57

we were going to talk about. What

26:59

do we do in that moment? What do you do when

27:02

you're in the grocery store and random person X behind you

27:04

is like waxing poetic about, you know, your family

27:06

structure, or maybe it's not there. Maybe it's at

27:08

a family gathering and you have the aunts and

27:10

uncles and grandparents and great grandparents,

27:12

you know, telling you about

27:15

this decision you made. Where does it come

27:17

up? That's most bothersome or most

27:19

frequent for you? I

27:21

think where comes up the most probably is

27:23

within my family gatherings and things like that.

27:26

I can think of a time recently where

27:28

we were at some extended family and

27:30

a cousin asked like, oh, are you going

27:33

to have another another child? I was like, no,

27:35

you know, we're just going to have one and

27:37

we love it. And like, oh, you

27:39

want to give your another sister gives like, she let my sisters

27:41

in. She's like, you don't want to give her a Sheila. I'm

27:43

like, I don't really want to recreate my kind of

27:46

having a child to recreate the same relationship I

27:48

had with my sister with my immediate response, which

27:50

landed awkwardly. And then it kind of fizzled away

27:53

from that. And I think that's what I usually

27:55

do. People say something I just snap back quickly

27:57

with the first response that comes to my mind.

28:00

that things usually go well. Yeah,

28:03

well, I guess we

28:05

have to figure out what going well means, right?

28:08

One of the things that happens a lot in

28:10

conversations is people do say or ask really

28:12

inappropriate things, like things that are not their business, things that

28:14

have more to do with their own stuff than anything to

28:16

do with us. I always feel like sometimes they're just like

28:19

a pawn in their game and that never feels good. And

28:22

the visual I always think about, Sanita, is

28:24

like that person puts this awkwardness on us.

28:27

And one of the things you're saying you do is

28:29

you just give it back to them, the

28:31

awkwardness. Which I

28:34

can say, I think especially women

28:37

are socialized against that. I think in general,

28:39

societally, people give women a lot of awkwardness

28:41

and worse than that. They give a lot

28:43

of aggression or a lot of

28:45

really inappropriate, really

28:48

uncomfortable statements. And then

28:50

as women, somehow societally, we've been taught

28:53

our job is to just digest that

28:55

for them. And I

28:57

actually think it's a really powerful thing to

28:59

think, you know what, that wasn't mine to begin with. I'm

29:02

not taking that. I'm giving it back to

29:04

its owner. So when you say back, things

29:06

like, yeah, this isn't really a

29:08

conversation I wanna have. Or that doesn't really

29:10

sound like a curious question. It sounds more

29:12

like a judgment. Or no, I'm

29:15

not looking to recreate the exact family I have.

29:17

I'm kind of excited as an adult to make

29:19

my own decisions. It can feel like, oh, that

29:21

didn't go well. But I think a different interpretation

29:24

could be, someone gave me something pretty inappropriate and

29:26

I just said something to give it back. That

29:28

wasn't mine in the first place. You

29:31

know, that's such a good point. It's actually making me

29:33

think something I used to love that my husband would

29:35

do after we had our miscarriage. So a number of

29:37

people would ask, like, oh, why aren't

29:39

you guys having kids? Or when are you gonna have kids?

29:41

And he would just respond and be like, we had two

29:44

miscarriages, so we're just taking our time grieving right now and

29:46

thinking about what we want to the family. And

29:48

It would usually be a pretty conversation

29:50

ender at that point. But I Always

29:52

remember loving that response too. Like, I'm

29:54

glad you made it awkward right now,

29:57

because they made it awkward actually. And

29:59

You're just responding. What Are trails? And

30:01

it felt like he was advocating for me

30:03

at his staff and and I think about

30:05

as I want my daughter know that. I'm

30:08

looking out for her. I it I of was. It is

30:10

somewhat muted. Awkward. For me growing up of. Make.

30:13

An awkward Naturals nice if of true.

30:16

I love that! I love time. I do

30:18

think the image of. I

30:20

didn't start the awkwardness I didn't really make it awkward, it

30:23

was made awkward for me and so I can my kids

30:25

up all back to. Tennis court side where it

30:27

initiated like I did serve the spot soon

30:29

as wanted to bring it back. And

30:31

then often a because women again it's have. A

30:34

bigger discussion like oh, you're

30:36

so sensitive. Earth. Oh like you want to

30:38

say it so aggressively and I'm It's really a perversion

30:40

of the truth if you look at you like I

30:42

did not begin it. I. Just you

30:44

know, hit back over I'm that's an

30:46

act of self protection. That's really not an act

30:48

of aggression. Yeah, that's

30:51

a cylinders of society of A. I did

30:53

make it awkward, you weird awkward. and I

30:55

think my impulses the almost like somehow contorted

30:57

to make it feel nice and pleasant. An

30:59

uncomfortable for either of us anymore. But I'm

31:01

just gonna return. It's just like I received

31:03

this, that's exactly right. Like serves and tennis

31:05

or hit hard even if you just put

31:07

a racket up. attempts to go back. part

31:09

of because it was served our. Oh

31:12

so. Ah, I'm no. I

31:14

think there's a couple of or nuances here

31:16

whenever I think about comments that are said

31:18

to us that are inappropriate. Or.

31:20

Often amassed like what makes us to tell my kids to

31:22

do when they're kind of bullied or when you know someone

31:25

says and I'm from the in progress. I think often we

31:27

really do focus on what do we say back. By

31:29

my take your is it's way more important is

31:32

what we say to ourselves. And. I

31:34

think that's something none of a for top like when

31:36

someone says something inappropriate to us. The. Answer

31:38

isn't coming up with a good zinger to

31:40

them, The answers actually trying to solve, protect,

31:42

and so. When someone says

31:45

to you oh just one kid do worse

31:47

is gonna be like kind of lonely and

31:49

celsius like okay there's a tennis ball you're

31:51

allowed to say whatever you want back but

31:54

I feel more importance neat as well make

31:56

you say to yourself. In.

31:58

That moment. yeah I

32:01

feel good about the family that

32:04

I've created. I feel

32:06

proud of it. I

32:09

just want to pause on that. I actually have the chills.

32:11

Like it's really interesting visually, I think, to

32:13

see that ball coming your way. Like, oh, do you

32:15

ever worry she's going to be lonely? You know, I

32:17

don't know. You're going to think about

32:20

having another kid. And just like, I don't know why in the

32:22

movie of this moment, I picture like a pause button. And

32:25

then you're on your side to say to yourself, like, I

32:28

felt really good about my family. I

32:30

felt really proud of

32:32

my family and the decisions that led to

32:34

this family. Like maybe bolstering that

32:36

a little more. Just saying like, I know that. And

32:39

no one can take away my

32:42

knowing that. Yeah. And

32:45

then if we played the movie from there, you know,

32:47

the irony is when we bolster ourselves

32:49

in that way, we create a little barrier. We're

32:52

like, yeah, this comment now is no longer infiltrating me.

32:54

It just kind of lives in the ether outside of

32:56

me. And then the irony is whether we

32:58

want to come back with a like

33:01

hitting that ball back or like a zinger or

33:03

whether we just decided that moment, like I just

33:05

actually think I'm going to kind of get up

33:08

and get a glass of water and, or just

33:10

say like, yeah, great question. Anyway, tell me about

33:12

work. Like, you know, like it actually becomes so

33:14

much less important because we no longer use the

33:17

comment we have to someone else as

33:20

a way of validating ourselves. We've already

33:22

done that. And so what happens next

33:24

is like kind of neither here nor

33:26

there, which feels very freeing. It

33:29

really does when you saw that visual of Stan

33:31

there, you know, saying that and saying

33:33

like, none of this other

33:36

stuff, it really matters. It's almost like my mind went

33:38

to thinking, what was that

33:40

even like, what if you even say, I don't even remember

33:42

your comments anymore. I'm kind of into this moment now. That's

33:45

exactly right. And then I can tell you in my

33:47

own life, there are moments I'm like, I'm feeling kind

33:49

of spicy today. I'm just gonna like, I just, and

33:51

I know this person and I just, I'm in the

33:53

mood. Like I'm gonna like kind of give it back,

33:55

you know? And then there's other moments with the same

33:58

person or someone else and I'm like, you know. it's

34:00

not that it's quote not worth it, I just

34:02

don't wanna do it. So I'll say something like, it seems like

34:04

you have a lot of thoughts about how many kids I have.

34:07

If you're ever coming at that from a place of like

34:09

actually wanting to be curious about my journey, I'm

34:11

happy to talk to you about that. If it's

34:13

coming from a place of feeling like there's one right

34:16

way, that's not a conversation I'm interested in having. I

34:18

just wanted to lay out those two options for you.

34:20

Or I feel like saying, yeah, I don't really,

34:22

you know, that's not really on my mind right now,

34:24

but I really heard that you're reading this book and

34:27

I wanna hear it. Like, I just give myself freedom

34:29

to say any of it because I've

34:31

already done for myself what I needed to

34:33

do for myself. Yes,

34:36

yeah. That's also grounding to

34:38

know that regardless of what they do, I know

34:40

what I'm going to do. And the one the

34:42

mood hits me, because it does sometimes, I do

34:44

feel like giving back a zinger or something like

34:46

that to them and the satisfaction of seeing it

34:48

land feels nice. But sometimes I don't feel like

34:50

doing that. That's exactly right. It's not

34:53

like you have nothing to prove, you're just like might be in the

34:55

mood, you know? Yeah, yes. I

34:57

feel like playing this way is kinda slow. Exactly.

35:00

One day when your daughter faces these things, whether

35:02

it's, oh, you don't have a brother or sister,

35:04

is that so sad? Or maybe it's not that.

35:06

Maybe it is something much more in some ways

35:08

aggressive. Maybe someone makes a comment about the color

35:10

of her skin or, you know, or it's just

35:12

like, you're no good at soccer. No one likes

35:14

you. We don't wanna play with you. That

35:16

idea of like, I always find it powerful. Like, what if

35:18

we teach that to the next generation? Like, it's not about

35:20

what you say to someone else. It's

35:23

really about what you say to yourself.

35:26

And maybe one day I can see a moment with your daughter where you're like, look,

35:28

actually, there are times people say things to me about

35:31

having one kid. And this is how I

35:33

kind of pause and talk to myself. And

35:35

then you're like really in that process together.

35:38

So powerful. Yeah, I think that's

35:40

what I would really want. And I think that's so

35:42

helpful to hear because that's inspired my fear of how

35:44

do I coach her in those moments? I have no

35:46

idea what the script is gonna be, so I can't

35:49

tell her what her line should be in this. But

35:51

what I do know is how we can talk about

35:53

what she's feeling afterwards, what that was like for

35:55

her. That's exactly right. You can

35:57

talk about that. You can teach her. I

36:00

think kids learning the idea of a mantra. So a

36:02

mantra is something you say to yourself when everything feels

36:04

really big. A mantra is something really simple

36:06

and small. And sometimes it's nice to have something simple and

36:08

small to say to yourself when things feel really big, right?

36:11

I don't know, something like that. That's so something we can

36:13

teach our kids. They'll take that with them to the playground

36:15

or to that sleepover or to the math

36:17

class or wherever they feel vulnerable.

36:19

We don't have to change what everyone says to

36:22

them if we're focused on

36:24

like kind of what they do and say

36:26

for themselves. Yeah,

36:28

we don't have to change what people say to them

36:30

if we focus on what's going on with them. And

36:33

I love the idea of if she's

36:35

ever feeling spicy, she serves out some

36:37

whatever, serves you would like to that

36:40

day. I just have an

36:42

image of someone asking her a dumb question. Her coming

36:44

back with like, oh, do you ever get sad? And

36:46

I'm like, yes, very sad. Now, what would you like

36:48

to do with this? Where's the conversation gonna go? I

36:50

think there's something that I get. I hope she gets to do both. I

36:53

do too. I feel like I will go

36:55

on record saying, I feel like we need

36:58

some more women like throwing out some spicy

37:00

comments, serving the awkwardness back to where it

37:02

originated. So I will go on record with

37:04

you saying we sign, we

37:08

sign our names to that. More spiciness,

37:10

yes, agreed. Thanks

37:15

to Airbnb. Remember, your home

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could be worth more than you think. Find

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out more at airbnb.com/host.

37:23

And thanks to Mommy's Bliss. Check

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out their new pain and fever medicine at

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mommy'sbliss.com. Thank you for listening.

37:31

To share a story or ask me a question,

37:34

go to goodinside.com/podcast.

37:37

Or you could write me at

37:39

podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting

37:41

is the hardest and most important job in

37:43

the world. And you

37:45

deserve resources and support. So

37:47

you feel empowered and confident

37:50

for this very important job

37:52

you hold. I'm so excited

37:54

to share Good Inside Membership. It's

37:57

the first platform that brings together

37:59

content. and experts you trust

38:01

with a global community of like-valued

38:04

parents. It's game-changing and built

38:06

for a busy parent who wants to

38:08

make the most out of the few

38:10

minutes they have. Good

38:12

Inside with Dr. Becky is produced

38:14

by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom

38:16

at Magnificent Noise. Our

38:19

production staff includes Sabrina Farhi,

38:21

Julia Knott, and Kristen Muller.

38:24

I would also like to thank Eric

38:26

Abelski, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the

38:28

rest of the Good Inside team. And

38:31

one last thing before I let you go. Let's

38:33

end by placing our hands on our hearts

38:37

and reminding ourselves, even

38:39

as I struggle and even as I

38:41

have a hard time on the outside,

38:45

I remain Good Inside.