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Welcome to Go Mama Pod , a podcast

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for parents who are in the throes of the beautiful

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dumpster fire of parenting , trying

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and , most likely , failing to do it all . In

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each episode , you can expect evidence-based

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insights into mental health while parenting and

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actionable tips to manage the mayhem with littles

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. I'm your host , rachel McKinney , your therapist's

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best friend . I'm also living in the thick

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of the ups and downs of this parenting rollercoaster

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of emotional dysregulation . I'm

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a licensed clinical social worker with a wealth of experience supporting families and young children

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as we all navigate the unknowns and sometimes problematic

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behaviors of childhood . I firmly

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believe that a parent's or primary caregiver's

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mental health is inextricably linked

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to that of their children . You take better

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care of your child by taking care of yourself

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. Hello

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, my friends and fellow parents , today's episode was prompted by a conversation

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that I had with a friend , and all I kept thinking when I was having

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this conversation was me loudly saying

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to her in caring words you are the parent , words , you

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are the parent , you're the parent , you're

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the parent . And so

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I really want to explain this conversation

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and the importance of what

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came out of this conversation . So

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my friend has a daughter

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who is one years old and

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she has a friend who likes to pick

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her daughter up , even when

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her daughter protests vocally . So she's

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one . She doesn't have a whole lot of words , she

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said . My friend said that she loves this person

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dearly but she , but

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he , when he picks up her daughter , will

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shoo her away , shoo mom away

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when she tries to take her baby , to

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soothe her , and he'll say it's good for the baby

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to get used to other people . And he has

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even walked away with her crying

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baby . So my friend

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said am I being overprotective

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or overreacting in

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feeling like this bothered me and

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I said absolutely

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not . Full stop

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, stop

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. So let's break this down a little bit . A crying baby who is reaching

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for their primary caregiver is communicating her needs by vocalizing and using her

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body . She's saying that she

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wants to be by her mother , who is

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biologically her safest person

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and her primary caregiver

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. And it's normal not to

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want to be held by a stranger . That's

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totally normal , even if this

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person thinks they're not a stranger . So

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yes , I have an issue with this

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person walking away with the baby , expecting

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her to cry it out with him , and

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I told my friend as much . She

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is mom , she's

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responsible for teaching her child that

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her child's voice matters , no

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matter if she's creating words or

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not . When she vocalizes

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that she does not want to be with someone , her

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mom or dad needs to step in to provide that

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safety for her , because she's not in control

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of her body and her voice to

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a point where other people will listen , which

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is so sad , and we'll get into that in a little bit

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. So how

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do we set a limit with our

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loved ones , because so often we're

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expected to put others' needs before our

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own , and even before

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our own child's

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needs . So in my home this

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is something that we do to get

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at . This is we teach that if

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someone says stop or if someone

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says that they don't like something , we stop . My

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son was able to vocalize this when a

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family member picked him up and he

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protested by saying stop , put me down . The

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family member laughed but did not put him down

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right away . Meanwhile there's

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me getting up , walking over , and

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he eventually put him down . And later

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my son said to me I don't like

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him because I told him to put me down

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and he didn't . And I said you're

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right , buddy , people need to

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stop when we say stop , or stop

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when we say no . Okay

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, now imagine you're in a public space

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and you observe an adult

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pick up or drag

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another adult or teenager

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. The adult

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or teenager is clearly protesting

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by saying stop , no , put me down

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, all the things . But the adult

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is not listening . They still

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continue to pick this person up or

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hold them or drag them . Would you intervene

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or call for help ? Probably

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, like I know there's not , like we

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all want to intervene on other people's problems

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or maybe we might call the police

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or call someone else or , depending

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on if we're by ourselves or with our kids , like

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that all matters . But deep down , would

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you see a problem with this ? Probably

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. Now

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imagine that there's an older adult or maybe a person with a visible

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or physical disability and

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they're picked up by another person while protesting

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. I bet

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that would also give you pause and make you feel

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uncomfortable and want to intervene . So

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, just like people with disabilities

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and older adults , children

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are a vulnerable population and

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are treated as less than because

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they are little , because of their age

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, their size . Adults

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think that we can do

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whatever we want with a small child

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just because they're little . Now

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we can see that the problematic

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trajectory here when we teach

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our children that their

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needs don't matter , that the comfort

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or feelings of others matter

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more than them , because then they become

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an adult who might

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not say no to something that they don't like and

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that could be benign , like a meal or an activity , but that could also be quite

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serious , like an assault or something that is

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physically harmful . Do

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you see where I'm going ? Like it's . This

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has incredible impacts

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on our child . So back to my friend's

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story . What could

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she do ? She

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could approach it a couple of different

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ways so

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she could . I think she could be proactively

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. Or

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she could proactively talk to her friend about his

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behavior and say something like baby

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girl does not want to be picked up by anyone

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other than mom or dad . I

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know you want to have a special relationship with her

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so you can meet her on the floor and play together

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. So

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you're saying my child does not like this mom or dad

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do not like this . Here's something that you can do . Or

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she could say along with her husband we're really trying to teach baby girl that her voice has

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meaning and power from an early age . So we're asking everyone

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in our family and friend group to acknowledge her vocalizations

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. If she does not like something , she

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could go even further and say this

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might look like her saying no , her

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reaching for mom or dad , her

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crawling or walking away , her

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reaching for mom or dad , her crawling or walking away . We honor that and we don't repeat

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what we are doing to stress her out . So if it happens

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like he picks her up and she's protesting , I

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fully support mom

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going up to him and saying I

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will take her now like kind

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but firm , and

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if he disagrees , use a firmer

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voice and say my child

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is saying no with her voice and she

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does not want you to hold her or pick

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her up . She is scared

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. Give me the baby now

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. You don't need to like , enunciate like that , but

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be very clear

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and there's no room for nuance on

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this . Here's what's happening , here's

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what you need to do . So this person

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knows you're still . You're not being rude

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, you're not being mean

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. You are putting your child first

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. Now , if he

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dismisses this , he probably sucks

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, but it's appropriate

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to explain the importance of consent

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and how a child as young as one does

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have agency and consent

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over what happens to their body , which

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is , unfortunately , very important

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for a young girl to know and understand . Okay

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, so I got a little deep in this , but it got me

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really fired up , because

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this is something that I

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try and teach parents every single

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day , as well as young children

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. Because with my own kids

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, if they tell me something that they don't like , I say

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, okay , thanks for letting me know . Not

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, mom , I don't like this food . And I say , oh

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, try it anyway . Or oh , have three bites . Or

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oh

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, I don't know some arbitrary thing . I say , okay

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, then don't eat it . Is there something else that you want ? Because

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my child knows what they like . They know when they're full , and then it gets

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even bigger when it involves other people . So my kid says

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I don't want to be around so-and-so . Okay

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, thanks for telling me . If they ever come over

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or you're around them , you can come to me or

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you can say to them no , I don't

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like that . So we're teaching our children

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the skills to say no , so

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that they are not more

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vulnerable than they actually are because they're

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little when they're around

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other adults . It's keeping them safe and

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teaching them that they can be an advocate for

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themselves and their own bodies . So

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you are your child's first advocate , because

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they cannot advocate for themselves when they are

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teeny , tiny little potatoes . So

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work on teaching your child that their voice matters

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in those small moments during your day and

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that other people's feelings are not more

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important than their own . This is something that I

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continue to unlearn , being

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a former people pleaser . It's

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okay to set those firm

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boundaries and be kind

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in them . You can explain

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them , or you don't have to , because it's your child

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, your family , your decisions . So

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I wonder do you have a tricky situation

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with a family member or a friend

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that involves your kids that you might want help

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talking through ? Just send me a DM on

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Instagram , go underscore

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mama , underscore hub

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, and I will

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work through that with you because this

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is important . My friends , that's

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all for today . Take care

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of yourself and know that you are

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the best and the most important

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parent to your child . Thank

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you .