0:00

the boy started yelling have club they were trying to warn

0:02

him as he which. Can be she went

0:04

about as you reach the whistle when

0:06

it suddenly jenkins seem to be because

0:09

he suddenly stops. That

0:11

he let out a scream or Pc interacting

0:13

with any of the police allege to when.

0:20

I arrived to find a front. Window smashed

0:22

know blossom the pavement blow

0:25

to do some thinking. What

0:27

kind of these keys when they start bullet make

0:29

his comic Wow! Where he goes to learn to

0:31

get a sore Monday Obama problem right? Now

0:35

I'm just limbs. I think I'm about to die

0:37

of Tsx. Lieutenant

0:40

was that I promised article

0:42

markedly and. Affair with their home to

0:44

use perhaps? Ah,

0:59

I've got dandruff alleging in. Aladdin.

1:03

Much like a little bit much. For

1:06

I don't you need some sculpt treatment Now I do.

1:08

I'm going to get scope. How did you

1:10

say his scalp? Scalp. Scalp

1:12

scope, scalp, Up

1:16

that you cannot use it's not

1:18

scope scout his scalp. I've got

1:21

an itchy scalp yeah on it

1:23

she scope know who doesn't like.

1:25

That's. Like saying, how do you say orange

1:28

or or andre. Hi Susannah

1:30

ah would allow Vi and who

1:32

got one does too good to

1:34

have movies. Eye on this L

1:37

R O J R O J

1:39

Yeah so did the yeah we're

1:41

going to the okay well hidden

1:44

do episode six. Say ah guys

1:46

to ha ends I do you

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So download Spotify! Couple causes up or

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go to www.spotify.com Such poor Costas to

3:07

get started. So anyway around say it

3:09

some arose I know are Zaina! I'd

3:12

like to make it clear that I

3:14

haven't got that will have gotten just

3:16

because I'm a dry bitch at the

3:18

minute and to ray machines drive a

3:21

headstrong skyn everything som hade I try

3:23

to I've been more hydrates not added

3:25

on. think I'm over the counter. Know.

3:28

That the private think you hours ago

3:30

I didn't Ya I guess I guess

3:32

I am. I've got a massive fucking

3:35

bomb offense. Is really

3:37

great. Attacks put some of that amazing

3:39

concealer on it and I thought on outlook

3:41

soup is. Swords, Up and of com.

3:44

Cinema. I

3:46

would say oh by the way that can

3:48

see laugh or didn't a stray and it's

3:50

yeti The conceal is amazing. How about as

3:52

soon as they haven't arrived yet by calling

3:54

white states as that I edited my arsenal.

3:57

Other going to say my office. Right,

4:00

that concealer, right in my ass, please. Right in my

4:02

ass, no. Right in my ass. Right in my

4:04

ass. Jesus. Holy shit.

4:06

How are you feeling? Are you hungover? Are you

4:08

tired? I don't know what the fuck's going on. How

4:10

am I feeling? I'm... In yourself.

4:12

I'm actually feeling all right. I had a really nice

4:14

gig last night and it was my first one of

4:17

the new year. Oh yes, who runs that? Um,

4:20

Maddie? Okay.

4:22

I can't remember Maddie.

4:25

Okay. I can, I'll show you.

4:28

Just like... Was it really nice? Oh,

4:30

that's good. And it was like, I

4:32

just, I turned up and they're like, can you open? I was

4:34

like, uh-uh. I keep going fucking out. You know, and you're just

4:36

like, oh. It's so annoying. And

4:39

they're like, just do it. And I was like, oh, fine. But

4:42

you know, and you're just like, oh, it just all

4:44

came together. Yeah, that's nice. And I felt really like, confident

4:46

and good. Oh, God. So yeah, it was

4:48

one of those gigs that you're like, oh, yeah, of course

4:50

I remember how to fucking do this. Gorgeous. Like riding a

4:53

bike. Yeah. Riding a fucking bike. I mean, you know, it

4:55

goes up and down, but it was nice to kick off

4:57

a year with a... Oh,

5:00

stunning. So, I watched somebody

5:02

come back from a, from

5:06

misgendering someone the other day, which

5:08

was very,

5:10

it's like, bumhole clenching.

5:13

Oh, no, what happened? Because it was just like, they

5:16

were talking about somebody in the front row. And

5:19

as we all know, don't, just

5:22

don't assume gender anymore. No. You

5:24

have to get these same people instead of men and women. I mean, I understand

5:26

that it's hard, but he was like, I should

5:28

refer to them as a he, and then said, oh,

5:30

no, it's a woman. It's a woman. I

5:33

know it's really bad. Oh, God. I was

5:35

like, ah! Oh, fuck's sake. It

5:37

was really bad. But then kind of came back for it,

5:39

apologized and all the rest of it, and the person was

5:42

very understanding. So, that was nice.

5:44

And where was that? Top secret comedy club. Oh,

5:48

wow. Yeah, it was good though. Should

5:50

do better though. Definitely. That's

5:52

one of the top comedy clubs. Definitely. Well,

5:54

I think he came back from it and

5:57

was coming out. I apologize. Yeah. Very

6:00

political, there's tons of cops. Yeah, it's

6:02

got a very political. How are you, politically? Like,

6:05

are you? Politically, I'm not sure. Are you using

6:07

the elections? I didn't know there was an election.

6:09

There's going to be an election this year. When? Zunak's

6:11

gonna call one. For what? What,

6:13

are we electing? General, general. What?

6:15

The general election. Jesus

6:18

fuck. You're skating on as much thin ice as I

6:20

am. No, I'm really political. I don't think that you've

6:22

changed my sample. What? I

6:24

don't think I've changed my sample. Are you about to fucking pay attention to

6:26

the- No, I'm just, I think I'm about to die of TFS. Well,

6:31

that's sad. I promise

6:33

I'll come back at the end so we get haunted so

6:35

you don't have to. But I

6:37

do drop dead. Okay, well, I'll

6:39

vote for you then if you die. Thank you

6:41

very much. But yeah, politically, I'm

6:43

great. How are you politically? Yeah, really good political.

6:45

Yeah, good. Great. And yeah,

6:47

it's a general election this year.

6:50

Someone swallowed a census, haven't they? It's

6:55

a general election. Swallowed a

6:57

census? What does that even mean? I

7:00

don't think I've got it wrong. Yeah. What?

7:05

What does that mean? What does that mean? Not a census, what

7:07

does that mean? Addictionary? No. Someone

7:09

swallowed- Someone swallowed a first

7:12

pass. Swallowed. Someone

7:16

knows when people will fall. Someone

7:18

swallowed the election, the electoral roll.

7:22

Mm, that sounds delicious. Yum, I'm very hungry.

7:24

Oh, do Greggs do one? I'd have three

7:26

electoral rolls right now. Oh

7:30

my God. Someone swallowed a census. I

7:32

am so sorry for our politics huns

7:34

and the audience. Thank you for giving

7:37

us that. What

7:39

is that? Right. Wish

7:41

I was dead. It's

7:44

my turn to pick a taro. Is it? Yes. Okay,

7:46

go for it. I'd be looking forward to it all. I'm

7:49

excited. My bad. It's got to be a quite long because

7:51

we've had a really good one. Don't you do that so

7:53

well. Thank you. I really, what do you call that? Cut

7:55

them. Is that like, I don't

7:57

know. Is it swerve? Okay, I'd love

7:59

to see swerve. Okay, yeah, you're under a lot

8:01

of pressure because there's been some good ones recently that

8:03

we've baked. Oh shit. You don't want to be the one to

8:05

ruin that run. One. Yep.

8:09

Oh, I love you always get this, Cam. It's a

8:11

page of cups and he's got a fish and a

8:13

goblet. Does that have to show me? He's

8:15

got a little fish. Oh,

8:18

it's like, you know those like

8:21

really like shit Greek restaurants where

8:23

you can imagine that's like a page of cups. A page of

8:26

cups. Let's have a look. Yeah, well you have definitely had them

8:28

before. I think it's a good one. We

8:30

always get the same cards. Oh,

8:32

you keep losing the... Why are you fucking about with my page?

8:34

I've just... She made it fly across the room. That was a

8:36

scary witch. Okay. A page

8:38

of cups and a singing

8:40

a song about the page

8:42

of cups while I find

8:45

the page. So

8:51

he's in pink leggings. He's in a smock. He's

8:55

in a beautiful turban. And

8:58

he's holding a very victorious looking goblet and the

9:00

fish is poking out. What I mean, is

9:03

it three? No.

9:05

Page. Is it one of those? I

9:07

think it might be one of the picture cards. I mean, I know they're all picture

9:09

cards. They're all picture cards, but thank you. Is that the front

9:11

page? The page. The page. The page.

9:14

The page. The page. The page. The

9:17

page. The page. The page.

9:20

The page. The page. Oh

9:22

my god. Oh my god. I'm

9:24

going to get carpal tunnel with all this

9:26

bargain. That book

9:28

is so summed. It's well

9:30

summed in it. This has got DNA or the

9:33

lovers. We have never had that one before. Okay.

9:39

I'll look it up on bitty territory. Well you have a

9:41

look and then I am going to continue to find what

9:43

will as always happens. You find it on there and then

9:45

I find it in here. And

9:48

then it's just a far. And

9:50

I'm literally going through it page by fucking page.

9:52

Did you get it? Because it's page. Yes. That's

9:55

really funny. I've got it. I've

9:57

got it. It's fucking typical isn't it? The page

9:59

represents. that presents curiosity and creativity.

10:02

It encourages an open mind

10:04

to new possible ideas. Oh,

10:07

very good. Because we got pissed

10:09

the other night and made some fun. Didn't

10:12

we? Yeah, we did. Didn't we? No, I

10:14

do, yeah. Just for second, good. So we're just going to be like,

10:16

I don't know what you're talking about. What plan? So

10:19

that is accurate. Creativity and

10:21

curiosity. We're going to delve in

10:23

to the exploration of the mat.

10:26

No, that doesn't mean it. Destination

10:28

unknown. Would

10:32

you like to kick off with a story? Have you got one?

10:34

Yes, I've got one. Oh, I'd love to hear. I've got one.

10:36

I've just put an Instagram story up of Adam's eggs. Have you

10:38

seen it? And I'm getting so many

10:41

messages being like, can you fuck off, please?

10:43

What do you mean? Have a look on my Instagram. Oh, no,

10:45

I saw that. That makes me feel sick. Yeah, he decided that

10:47

he was going to, he saw a TikTok

10:49

hack, which

10:52

is exactly what's wrong with the world nowadays. But he saw

10:54

a TikTok hack where you can make your poached eggs in

10:56

a sieve. So you do your water.

10:59

You put the sieve in and you put the eggs in,

11:01

which seems in theory like a great idea because you can

11:03

just lift them up. There's no shit at the bottom of

11:05

the pan. But actually what happened

11:07

is they just didn't fucking cook and he ate raw eggs

11:09

for breakfast. But because he was so

11:12

adamant that we're fine, he

11:14

just ate raw eggs. Oh,

11:16

I see. That's like the male stuff. He's probably, he's just dropped

11:18

me off in the car. He's probably going to shit himself on

11:20

the way back. Oh, God. You know

11:22

what, Adam, if you're listening, I know you're not, because you never do listen.

11:25

But if you are, okay. The close up of

11:27

those eggs made me feel absolutely nauseous. I'm

11:30

getting a lot of hate, I'll be honest. Yeah, I

11:32

think that made me feel really sick. The

11:39

wishing well. Oh, whoa.

11:41

Yeah. The card up in your wishing

11:43

well. That's it. The Vulcan's hearted. I've

11:46

gone, I've gone shortly from the same. You just

11:48

ignored my song. I serenaded you. What did

11:50

you say? Do you not remember that song? I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

11:52

Oh, my God. Sorry,

11:56

Adam. Sorry, that was really hard. Sorry.

11:58

No, I've no interest in you. You're oyster,

12:00

okay? What? She's

12:03

lost her fucking biscuit. She keeps coming onto you in

12:06

minutes, really. What's she talking about? A sandwiching well? Yeah,

12:08

alright. You're talking about what you said the other night.

12:11

What is wrong with her? She's

12:14

got really drunk and came onto me and it was really

12:16

unfortunate. No, okay. I had to tell him, Sarah, she's paranoid

12:18

that you had a few married drinks. And

12:20

you were now putting it on me. I

12:23

had like a few prosecus, you were like, do you

12:25

remember that? Because I laid in hospital to test too

12:27

much. Yeah, I have a feeling you've got something to

12:29

hide. Anyway,

12:32

okay, do you want to hear the story? No. My

12:35

eyelash just stuck to my bottom. So

12:37

I'm like, do you want to try it? No, I don't, you crazy

12:39

bitch. Why

12:41

don't you swallow a census and get

12:43

a fucking electoral roll for us? Can

12:45

we cut that, Tim? Can we cut

12:47

that? No, no, it's a big

12:50

no. It's a hard no. No, I can't

12:52

wait for your story, thank you so much. Please

12:54

go ahead. I'm just going to give you the

12:56

e-book. Okay. Many

12:59

years ago, there was an exclusive boarding school in

13:01

England that had a scout troop. What's

13:03

that about, you ask? I've no idea. Meepers.

13:06

The leader of the scout troop was a teacher and one weekend

13:08

per month he would take the scouts on a camping trip. There

13:11

was one young boy in the scout troop who was very disobedient

13:13

and disruptive. His name was

13:15

Stanley Jenkins. Oh, yes.

13:18

I can't imagine the scripts of

13:20

the school room to be called Stanley. Stan? Yeah.

13:25

No matter how many times the teacher told him off, he would never

13:27

listen. One weekend, the scouts went

13:30

camping in the English countryside. They

13:32

got permission to set up camp on a farmer's land. The

13:34

spot was on a ridge overlooking the deep

13:36

valley. The teacher warned the boys

13:38

not to go off wandering on their own and told

13:40

them that under no circumstances were they allowed

13:42

to go into the valley. While

13:44

the teacher and the other scouts were pitching the

13:47

tents, Stanley Jenkins and his friends were sitting around

13:49

in the grass. They were too lazy

13:51

to help set up camp. Instead, they went looking for some

13:53

kind of mischief they could go to. I'm

13:55

getting Dudley Dursley vibes. Mmm,

13:58

yeah. Okay. That's all you

14:00

have to say on the mag, right? Susie

14:02

is not in the mood today for Jack.

14:04

You carry on. As Stanley Jenkins gets down

14:06

into the valley, he noticed a field that

14:08

was surrounded by a barbed wire fence. Oh,

14:12

well, it's a train. At one corner of

14:14

the field, there was an old stone well. It looked

14:16

like the field was never used, and it was overgrown

14:18

with weeds and brambles. Just then,

14:20

they saw the farmer who owned the land coming in with his

14:22

dog. As he passed by, Stanley Jenkins waved

14:24

at him, and the farmer stopped to talk. What's

14:27

in that field down there? That's Stanley Jenkins.

14:29

I imagine that's how he talks. Now, we've got to

14:31

do part of... No, no, you did that

14:33

part, did I? What's in that field down

14:35

there? Yeah, yeah.

14:38

Like Boris Johnson's son. In fact, doesn't the

14:40

other child call Stanley? He has many children. Very

14:42

many. Probably about seven. All of

14:44

them on the electoral roll that I swallowed. Mmm.

14:47

What's in that field down there, said Stanley Jenkins.

14:49

The one with the well inside it. That's

14:52

the wishing well, the farmer applied. But

14:54

you're not allowed to go down there. I hope your

14:56

teacher told you that. Wishing well?

14:58

Said Stanley Jenkins. You mean if you

15:00

do some money into the well, you can make a

15:03

wish? The farmer at our

15:05

grim laughs. I wouldn't know,

15:07

he said. That's what they call it, but nobody around

15:09

here goes near the wishing well. And

15:12

all the years I've lived here, I've never set foot

15:14

in that field. Mmm. What's

15:16

the matter with it? Stanley Jenkins.

15:18

Piece of shit. I hate him.

15:22

All I know is the cows and the sheep keep away from

15:24

it. Even my old dog wouldn't go through that field, and neither

15:26

should you, boys. If you've got a

15:28

brain in your head, they say it's haunted. Haunted? Stanley...

15:32

That's someone. Stanley Judkins, his name

15:34

is now. Haunted, Stanley Jenkins,

15:36

Scott. Haunted by who? Three

15:39

women and a man, said the farmer gravely. Who are they? I

15:42

said Stanley Jenkins. It all happened before my time,

15:44

said the farmer. But I was

15:46

told they died in the well and were found dead in it,

15:48

at least. I saw them once. It was

15:51

twilight, and I was standing on this very ridge.

15:53

My old dog saw them too. They came out of the bushes

15:55

and weren't crawling round. Four of them. Just

15:58

black rags and white bears. It

16:01

seemed as if I could hear their bones clacking as they

16:03

moved. I couldn't make out their faces, but

16:05

all I could see was their teeth. The

16:08

boys let out a collective gasp. What

16:11

happened then? Stanley Jenkins asked.

16:14

I don't know, said the farmer. My old

16:16

dog took off running and I took off running after him.

16:18

So take my advice, boys. Stay clear of that wishing well

16:20

if you know what to do. What

16:22

a load of bull! Bull? Bull!

16:26

Bullshit! Said Stanley

16:28

Jenkins. I can't believe a word of it. The

16:31

next evening the teacher gathered the scouts in a... I thought

16:33

he said in a dickhead count he didn't say that. The

16:37

next evening the teacher gathered the scouts and did a head

16:39

count. He noticed one of the boys was

16:41

missing. After doing a roll

16:43

call he discovered that the missing boy was in fact. Stanley

16:46

Jenkins. None of the other scouts seemed to

16:48

have any idea where he was. Then one

16:50

boy spoke up. Maybe he went down

16:52

to the wishing well, sir. Please,

16:54

sir. I can have some more. I just want some

16:56

soup. The

16:59

teacher's face went pale. The wishing well,

17:01

he'd asked. But you were all given strict instructions

17:03

to not go down there. The scouts

17:05

followed the teacher as he walked up to the top of the ridge and looked

17:07

down into the valley below. And

17:10

the down in the valley of the shadow of death. The valley of the

17:12

valley of the valley of the valley of the valley of the valley of the valley

17:14

of the valley. The light was fading and it

17:16

was getting cold but there wasn't a breath of wind in

17:18

the air. Can anyone see him? The

17:20

teacher is. There he is! Said one

17:22

of the boys. Getting over the barbed wire

17:24

fence. Do you see him? Yes,

17:27

it's him, said another boy. I recognize his

17:29

sweater. Now he's making his way

17:31

towards the wishing well. The little idiot. Did I

17:33

say wishing well? Yes. Yeah,

17:35

I find. Actimel. I've

17:38

just had an axamel, delicious. The

17:40

little idiot. The teacher growled. At that moment one

17:43

of the boys let out a high-pitched scream and

17:45

covered his eyes. Just scream.

17:47

Ah! Oh, great. Sounds like

17:49

you had like a throat full of cake. I

17:51

wish. What's that black thing

17:53

on the path? Cried another boy.

17:56

Crawling on all fours. It's a woman. Oh

18:00

God, don't let me look at her. Stop

18:02

it, the teacher said loudly. Get a

18:04

hold of yourselves, I'm going down there.

18:06

Hancock and Fartleby, you run to the

18:09

partner's house and call for help. Fartleby?

18:11

Fartleby. Wow. I was reading that

18:13

last night and I was like, it can't be Fartleby. Is

18:16

this like an American author who's written

18:18

it where Fartleby thinks British surnames are?

18:20

Stanley Jenkins. Yeah, and you're like, no

18:23

one's actually called that, but Fartleby. Like,

18:26

and then the other boy, Sherlock Holmes. Yeah,

18:29

and the Queen was there. They

18:32

all had a tea before getting marces and then

18:34

they subbed David Beckham. And

18:38

all of Manchester United. I

18:41

think it's fucking hilarious that people in

18:43

America support Manchester United. Have you been

18:46

to Manchester? Yeah, do not. Fuck, I

18:48

mean, oh, listen, don't get annoyed at me if I say

18:50

Manchester, but all I'm saying is, it's not the best place

18:52

in the world, is it? I

18:55

do love it, I live close by.

18:57

Anyway, Hancock and Fartleby, you've run to the farmer's house

18:59

and called for help. The rest of you boys stay here and

19:01

do not move. So you know where we're at? You

19:04

can see, they can see Stanley, but we can also see

19:06

a woman on all fours behind us. The

19:08

teacher ran off leaving the boys alone on the

19:10

ridge, staring down at the field below. To their

19:12

horror, they saw, oh my

19:14

God, what's going on? A po-po. It's

19:17

a five-o. They saw another

19:19

black figure emerge from the bushes. Then

19:21

another and another. They saw Stanley

19:24

Jenkins making his way towards the wishing while he didn't seem

19:26

to notice that black figure that was reaching in,

19:29

shuffling forward with their arms

19:31

outstretched. The boys started

19:33

yelling as loud as they could, trying to warn him as he

19:35

reached the wishing well. So hard to

19:37

say. As he reached the wishing well, Stanley

19:39

Jenkins seemed to hear their cries. He

19:42

suddenly stopped and turned around. Then

19:44

he let out a scream more piercing and dreadful than any

19:46

of the boys on the ridge, because it was too late. Ah!

19:51

Was that piercing? No, that sounded like

19:53

a pond five generic scream. From

19:56

epidemic sounds dot com. The

19:58

royalty free one. They're like,

20:01

we're lawyered up bitches.

20:04

The black figures closed in on him until he

20:07

was surrounded on all sides and then they pounced.

20:09

The boys stared at the scene below in a

20:11

terrified silence. They could hardly breathe if they watched

20:13

the horrific scowl. The hood of one

20:15

of the figures fell back revealing a white scowl with stringy

20:17

wisps and hair. Their gnarled bony

20:19

fingers were ripping and tearing at

20:22

Stanley Jenkins and soon his awful

20:24

screaming ceased. The

20:26

boys spotted their teacher running towards the field. He scrambled to

20:28

the bar by a fence but then he stopped and wouldn't

20:30

go any further. The farmer arrived with

20:33

a number of policemen. The boys pointed down at the

20:35

field below and screamed, they've got him, they've got him,

20:37

over and over again. The policemen ran down

20:40

into the valley. The headmaster arrived and

20:42

all of the boys were transported

20:44

back to the school. Some of them so

20:46

traumatized that they later left. The

20:48

teacher stayed there with the police all night. The next

20:50

morning at dawn, they found what was left

20:52

of Stanley Jenkins and the farmer. He'd

20:55

been torn to pieces. His

20:58

parents came to collect the remains and

21:00

then had to beg for life. No, they

21:02

didn't. The

21:04

farmer put up another bar by a fence and

21:06

circling the field and erecting large signs of danger

21:08

and keep out written in large black letters. Vocals

21:11

in the area say that the field is now haunted

21:13

by five ghostly black figures. Three

21:16

men, a man and a

21:18

young boy. Three men, a man.

21:22

What? Three men, a woman and

21:24

a young boy. No. Ow,

21:27

ow, ow. He's in the ghost family now.

21:29

So who are they? We don't know. Oh.

21:33

We don't know. Open-ended. We don't know,

21:35

yeah, they killed him and now he's...

21:38

Now Stanley's part of the troop. Stanley's part of the troop.

21:40

So if anyone goes into that field, Stanley

21:42

Jenkins will come. Yeah. I'd be

21:45

like, hey, stop it, I'm gonna fucking murder you. I'm

21:47

gonna fucking murder you, Pest. Peasant,

21:50

you stupid poor people. I'm gonna

21:52

get you. You come from

21:54

a broken home. I'm gonna get you.

21:56

I'm gonna get you shaft shoe with a fucking knife in your stomach. Oh

22:00

God. That was

22:02

very political, didn't it? We are so political

22:04

today. So political. So

22:06

political. Political. You

22:09

know there's a podcast called The Rest Is Politics? Um,

22:12

yeah. We should do that. We should

22:14

be guests. They actually share our studio

22:16

at Spotify. OK.

22:21

Oh. Oh. Imagine

22:24

going to a political podcast. I don't even think I'd

22:26

be able to. I could never

22:28

actually. I just don't know what I'd say.

22:30

No, I would have to try and like

22:32

make a joke about something and then I

22:35

would, my ignorance would really seep through. Politics,

22:37

am I right? Yeah, I would

22:39

say something absolutely dreadful. Yeah, God, the

22:41

economy. What a fucking state that is.

22:43

It would be generic or just awful.

22:45

Yeah. Anyway. Chancellor of

22:48

the Exchequer. Wow. That's what I'd say.

22:50

What did you say? Chancellor of the

22:52

Exchequer. Wow. Chancellor. Chancellor of

22:54

the Exchequer. Wow. And that's all

22:56

I'd say. And I'd move on. You

22:59

ready for a story? No. All right, well, fuck

23:01

you. Yes, please. You ready for

23:03

a story? Hit me with a story. My

23:10

husband. Have a towel

23:12

on his face. I'm sorry. Hurry

23:15

up in the shower. We have to leave soon. I

23:17

yelled towards the last year at my husband. Every

23:19

year at some point in the days leading up

23:22

to Christmas, our families get together. We were already

23:24

making bad timing when he realized he needed a

23:26

shower. I'd misplaced my earrings, paranoid about making us

23:28

even later. As I walked past

23:31

the bathroom, I noticed the door wide open. My

23:33

husband stood there. Still naked from

23:35

having recently departed the shower, he

23:38

had draped a pastel orange towel over

23:40

his head. I thought you

23:42

were going to say dick, and I was going to get really

23:44

angry. Why? Because it's

23:46

just such a man thing to do, isn't

23:48

it? No. Look at me. I've

23:52

got a fucking towel on my dick. I don't think

23:54

I've ever seen a man do that. I've seen it

23:56

so much time. Really? Yeah. No. God,

23:58

I haven't known. It's like. Yeah, look how manly

24:00

I am, because I've got a penis. Oh, God.

24:03

Using it like a little... Just a word. Like

24:05

a little fucking peg. Yeah. Well

24:07

done, you peggy twats. Um,

24:11

anyway. I'd be proud of

24:13

yourself. He had draped a pastel orange towel

24:15

over his head, one that I didn't even

24:17

know we owned. It didn't cross my mind

24:19

at the time, just a fleeting thought. He

24:21

swayed gently from side to side, like a

24:24

swinging pendulum. I giggled.

24:26

Stop being silly, you know, we're running late. Have you

24:29

seen my earrings? Immediately upon

24:31

entering the bedroom, I spotted them, gently glistening

24:33

on the bedside table. Relieved, I yelled again.

24:35

Never mind, found them! As

24:38

I put the first in, my gaze fell directly ahead

24:40

of me, at the painting of a

24:42

lighthouse hung on our bedroom wall. My

24:45

husband was never a stranger to local markets, he

24:47

always had a talent for buying the strangest items.

24:50

I've grown used to it, but this painting always

24:52

stood out to me as a bizarre purchase. The

24:54

lighthouse stands as a subject, with a

24:57

series of indistinct, colourful blobs painted around

24:59

the bottom, a crowd of

25:01

nondescript people I'd always assumed. On

25:03

the frame, at the bottom, a title or note

25:05

or quote of some kind had been etched in,

25:08

the jolly good fellows. My

25:10

trail of thought was cut short as I failed

25:12

to get the second earring in. I'd stabbed myself

25:14

slightly and began to head to the bathroom for

25:16

the assistance of the mirror. He was still standing

25:18

there. Oh, hang on!

25:21

Swearing. So was he cock

25:23

out? How long? Yeah, everything

25:25

naked apart from the orange towel over

25:27

his head. That is really, that's disturbing.

25:29

Very disturbing. Like, get that image in

25:31

your head right now. Like that? Cock

25:34

going that way, head going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

25:37

Oh my god. Oh,

25:39

that's horrible. Honey, we really need to go soon.

25:41

Please get ready. Can you stop acting like a

25:44

twat? Yeah, put your disc away. Stop, wait. I

25:48

approached the mirror. Seeing no blood, I breathed

25:50

a sigh of relief and put the second earring in. But

25:53

the whole time from the corner of my eye, I

25:55

could still see him swaying. The towel

25:57

blocked any view of his head. My

25:59

patience was over. wearing thin. Had he even sorted his

26:01

clothes out yet? Honey, come on! I spoke

26:04

as I lifted the towel from his face. Peering

26:06

under, I expected to see him

26:08

smiling, acting playfully. I

26:11

felt a little bad but being ever aware of the

26:13

ticking clock sometimes I have to remind him to have

26:15

urgency even when he's just playing around. His

26:18

eyes were wide, his

26:20

face emotionless. He stared forward as though there

26:22

wasn't a wall a few feet from his

26:25

face like he was looking just a little

26:27

past everything. He stopped swaying as the towel

26:29

was removed but remained in the state. I

26:32

gently held his hand. Come with me,

26:34

let's sit down. I knew something was wrong.

26:36

As I guided him to the bed and sat

26:38

him down, his arm felt limp as though the

26:41

muscles were void of any connection to the brain.

26:44

Let's get you some clothes, okay? We can talk

26:46

about what's wrong. I tried to speak

26:48

calmly as I turned around and searched through the

26:50

wardrobe. I began asking questions trying to take his

26:53

mind off things. My mind, whilst still

26:55

aware of the time, was now more focused on my

26:57

husband's well-being. Noticing a lack

26:59

of answers or responses, I turned around to

27:01

face him. Have you

27:03

ever jumped at the lack of something?

27:06

Usually we jump at the sudden presence of

27:09

something we're not expecting, perhaps the sudden movement

27:11

of an object we thought would remain motionless.

27:13

But when I saw my husband wasn't behind

27:15

me, my body jolted slightly. I

27:17

hadn't heard him move or felt him walk past

27:19

me. I expected him to still be on the

27:22

bed. The lack of him was enough

27:24

of a shift to shock me. Honey?

27:27

I yelled slightly, wondering where he was. I walked

27:30

past the bathroom. There he was,

27:32

orange, cowl draped over his head, swaying

27:35

gently at the same rhythm as before. If

27:41

you don't respond to me, I'm calling an ambulance.

27:44

I needed a quick answer. My mind jumped

27:46

straight to some sort of brain injury, perhaps from

27:48

falling over in the shower. I knew that

27:50

acting fast is the only chance you have to

27:52

minimize damage. He didn't answer. I removed

27:55

the towel from his head as I dialed

27:57

emergency services. Again, he stopped swaying as I

27:59

explained everything to them I watched as he

28:01

knelt down picked the towel back up and draped

28:04

it back over his head. The swaying continued. Paramedics

28:06

arrived shortly. He put up no fight and

28:08

allowed them to escort him to the ambulance

28:10

in a wheelchair. I kept asking questions about

28:13

whether he'd be okay. They had to keep

28:15

assuring me that whilst the hospital would do

28:17

everything they could they had no information to

28:19

go off of. I raced in

28:21

mind that passed this and continued to ask

28:23

similar questions regardless. He kept trying

28:25

to stand up whilst en route to the hospital

28:27

yet would be compliant and gently pushed back down.

28:31

As long as someone was guiding him he would follow.

28:33

When they stopped he'd try and move. The

28:35

same had happened back home. He only got up and left

28:37

once I'd set him down and let go of him. Through

28:40

the sound of the sirens wailing overhead, the bumps

28:42

of the ambulance's journey and trying to hold back

28:45

my tears I could hear a familiar tune. My

28:48

husband, showing almost no other signs of

28:50

activity, was gently humming. He

28:52

leaned in to get a better listen. It

28:55

was a very low tone and each note seemed to

28:57

begin as a hum yet end as a

28:59

more of a raspy breath. Oh

29:05

creepy bastard! I

29:07

still got his cock out. Yeah I hope so. For

29:12

everyone's sake yes. For me Susan. It

29:14

was a very low tone and each

29:16

note seemed to begin as a hum

29:18

yet end as a more of a

29:20

raspy breath. Each one seemed to continue

29:22

just slightly longer than they were supposed

29:24

to but I recognised this tune. He

29:26

was humming. He's a darly gazelle. Arriving

29:30

at the hospital felt like a blur. Everyone

29:32

knew exactly where they were going. I was

29:34

following along completely lost in this maze of

29:36

signs and painted lines intended to guide. We

29:38

had left the ambulance and arrived at an

29:40

assigned bed before a coprocess was happening. As

29:43

soon as he was laid down the confusing blur

29:45

continued. Uh, ma'am could we borrow

29:47

you in the next room? We just need you to

29:49

fill out some paperwork. Well not until I know if

29:51

my husband's okay I snapped. We

29:53

understand but the best chance at survival is if

29:56

we understand everything this paperwork will take care of

29:58

that. I was assured that a doctor would- I would

30:00

be in the room shortly and let my husband's in good hands.

30:03

Shouldn't have listened. They certainly didn't. I

30:05

explained that he kept trying to get up and walk about

30:08

when they clearly underestimated him. I hadn't

30:10

even helped the lady fill out my

30:12

husband's personal information before we were informed

30:14

that he was missing. He

30:17

can't be far. Keep an eye on all entrances. The

30:19

staff spoke to each other urgently. I was asked to

30:21

remain calm and continue helping with the paperwork, but I

30:24

refused. I attempted to run around the hospital to join

30:26

the search but was quickly told that I don't have

30:28

the authority to be wandering around alone. I hardly cared.

30:30

My husband was the only thing on my mind, but

30:32

I didn't want to be escorted out

30:34

and risk not seeing him at all when he found.

30:37

I took my efforts outside the hospital. I looked

30:39

around the parking area and then the nearby streets.

30:42

After an hour and a half, I was

30:44

still wondering, with no word from the hospital

30:46

of any findings in the building. I

30:48

began to walk home, hoping that somehow he

30:50

had remembered the way. It was a 20

30:52

minute walk. I couldn't imagine that he'd survived

30:54

in his state, let alone managed to correctly

30:56

identify the entire journey home. But

30:58

it was worth a shot. I

31:00

arrived to find our front window smashed.

31:03

No glass on the pavement below told me something's

31:05

broken in. Well, he can't have his keys on

31:08

his start bullet naked, can he? Well, where are

31:10

you going to store them? Where are you going

31:12

to store them? Under your bollock, probably. Yep, your

31:14

asshole there. Perhaps

31:16

fish. Oh,

31:19

hi, Barry and June from Mexico. Whilst

31:21

fishing your keys out of your fucking arm. No,

31:23

I can't see. I've got an orange towel in

31:25

my face and cock out. Sorry, my keys are

31:28

just stuck between my thigh and my bollock. The

31:31

gooch. The gooch? The gooch keys.

31:36

Perhaps I should have been more cautious, but

31:38

I just wanted to know if my husband was inside. My

31:41

hand shook as I struggled to get

31:43

the key in the lock. Once I did, I turned the handle

31:45

and ran inside. I don't even think I closed the door behind

31:47

me. Honey, are you here? I

31:49

don't know if I was surprised to see what I saw or

31:51

whether I expected this. There he

31:54

was in the bathroom. Orange towel

31:56

draped over his head, swaying gently.

32:00

of blood collected on the tile floor below

32:02

dripping from his right arm. Cuts on his

32:04

legs and torso told the full story. He

32:06

had no concept of pain. He smashed the

32:09

window to get in, to get back to

32:11

this exact spot. The injuries meant nothing to

32:13

him. For whatever reason, his mind was focused

32:15

only on anchoring itself in that bathroom under

32:17

the gentle weight of the cow. Crying,

32:20

I approached him and lifted the towel slightly.

32:22

I hardly even noticed the

32:24

blood soaked into it. His eyes

32:27

were red. The reason blinked. Suits his

32:29

spagoon. The humming continued. I

32:37

should have contacted emergency services immediately but instead

32:39

I just stood there. I stared into his

32:41

eyes pretending he was staring back into mine.

32:43

I wanted him back. Gently he

32:45

lifted an arm and pulled the towel back

32:47

down over his face. I

32:49

don't know how long I stood there sobbing. Please

32:52

talk to me. I love you. The gentle humming

32:54

would have been comforting but the slight

32:56

inconsistency of the rhythm was a

32:58

subtle reminder that my husband had no awareness.

33:01

I thought back to all our recent conversations, everything

33:03

we've ever done together. Lately, he's

33:06

had a fascination with the ocean. I

33:08

could never understand it. A horizon,

33:10

swallowed by the forever swaying and crashing

33:12

of waves, never appealed to me. He

33:15

used to tell me all sorts of facts. One

33:18

that particularly disturbed me was of an

33:20

old tradition of placing a towel over

33:22

the faces of sailors who had passed

33:25

whilst at sea. Once

33:27

back on the shore, you'd place a towel

33:29

over their face as you waited for

33:31

somebody to arrive with help or a

33:33

hearth. I took a

33:35

closer look at the painting. The

33:37

blob at the bottom of the lighthouse. I'd

33:40

always assumed them to be nondescript people with little

33:42

detail added but I'd never understood why

33:45

the blobs are so colorful. Only

33:47

then did I realize that she'd

33:50

tell. She'd fucking tell. It's done

33:53

now. This

33:57

has all been an advert. For their January

33:59

sales. So get on it, bloody lovely

34:01

towels! P.T. Dubs don't know, Miss Fair, you do

34:03

want to sponsor us, we're more than open to

34:05

it. Oh, I'd be happy being

34:08

fun by them, yeah. Only

34:10

then did I realise, they

34:12

were not a crowd gathered at the bottom of

34:14

the lighthouse. There were definitely a

34:17

study laid out on the shore.

34:19

Pastel coloured towels were draped over their

34:22

faces. Perhaps my

34:24

husband is there now, forever visiting

34:26

the lighthouse, staring into the

34:28

horizon as it swelled by

34:31

the ocean. Wow, what a metaphor

34:33

for life. Wow, I don't understand

34:35

the ending though, can you please

34:37

help me with that? I think

34:39

what's happened is... I don't

34:42

know why I started that sentence, I've got no

34:44

idea. Is he dead? Is he like... I

34:46

think he was seeing his ghost, but then...

34:49

Maybe he died at sea, and he's been with her

34:51

all along. Yeah, but then would all the hospital staff

34:53

see him? Mind you, I suppose if

34:56

you're a ghost you can show yourself to her if you want. Cock

34:58

out there. That's true, yeah I know. Rogue,

35:01

isn't it? I'm assuming she put a lovely

35:03

fluffy dun-nun towel around his... Well... Let's

35:07

hope so. Or a cocksock. But I'm just

35:09

imagining him at the traffic lights, towel on, cock

35:11

out. Waiting for the green

35:13

man. Wait, wait, wait. It's

35:17

a disturbing image, isn't it? It's disturbing,

35:19

and I don't know what

35:22

happened. Maybe tell

35:24

us what you think, tell us now.

35:27

What you think the ending is, because me and

35:29

Susie are being sick as dishes today. Yeah, we

35:31

really are. Well, I enjoyed

35:33

it. The tension was all there.

35:35

Yeah. You know what I mean? Bit

35:38

of oceanic tension. It was really big. You got

35:40

another one. I have, but I've started doing them

35:42

in a very annoying way. So...

35:47

Yeah, I've got some... Oh,

35:49

by the way, actually, can I read an

35:51

article from... Probably the mail online

35:53

if I'm on it. Go for it. It's

35:57

an update of... You know that haunted painting? Oh

36:00

fuck yeah we should have got that.

36:02

I know. Is it back on sale?

36:04

Someone died. Yeah so um. What they

36:07

have? No no no that is bad.

36:09

It is bad. Let me just.

36:12

Okay shall I read out this

36:14

off? Yes please. Okay so. You do that with

36:16

a lifetime I think. So

36:18

I wanted to bring up because of the

36:20

haunted lighthouse painting it made me think of

36:23

the haunted painting of the girl.

36:25

Yeah. And who was found in some charity shop and

36:27

do you remember we've had loads of messages from people

36:29

being like oh my god you can't have to buy

36:31

it. Yeah. And then we were obviously too late. I

36:33

would have wanted it. I think someone went on this

36:35

morning being like. Today? Yeah she was like I bought

36:37

it and anyway. Um so

36:40

this is an update of the haunted painting.

36:42

If you'll um just type in haunted painting

36:44

UK and you'll see

36:46

it. It's like um it's actually she looks a little

36:48

bit like me as a kid. Do you know

36:50

what that whoever bought that painting is fucking is

36:52

gonna is made a great investment there. Well

36:55

I want it. I know me too and lots of

36:57

other people will. Yeah I know. But she um she

36:59

does look a little bit like me as a child.

37:01

Really? Yeah. Show me again. Oh.

37:05

Honestly there's a photo of me. Oh

37:07

gross. Okay um so I'll read

37:10

you out this article. Yeah. For

37:12

anyone who wants an update. A

37:14

cursed painting strikes again as London

37:16

tourist attraction keeps getting flooded. So

37:19

she's up now when like a a tourist

37:21

attraction. The new owner of a cursed painting

37:23

which brought misery to its previous owners says

37:26

he and his staff have been blighted with

37:28

bad luck since buying it. The infamous haunted

37:30

painting of a little girl went viral after

37:32

it was pictured to sale on the window

37:35

of a charity shop in Hastings East Sussex

37:37

with the warning she's back sold twice and

37:39

returned twice. Are you brave enough? Its previous

37:41

holder Zoe Elliott Brown claimed she was chased

37:43

by a black figure after purchasing it for

37:46

25 pounds. She was so spooked she ended

37:48

up selling it to James Kislingbury managing

37:50

director of the London Bridge Experience

37:52

on eBay for £1,680. I

37:57

wouldn't be happy with that. I think he's

37:59

got a deal there. idea as well. James

38:01

put the painting up in the reception of

38:03

the tourist attraction which takes guests on a

38:06

walk-through tour of the capital's history as part

38:08

of their Halloween display but the 44 year

38:10

old says he and his staff have been

38:12

plagued by bad luck ever since. In fact

38:15

he claims the attraction in Tooley Street has

38:17

flooded twice since the painting arrived. James said

38:19

we've had a couple of floods on site

38:21

between November and December we came in one

38:23

morning and the basement was flooded. We've had

38:26

small leaks in the past but nothing on

38:28

this scale. We're lucky that the building is

38:30

quite robust so the damage wasn't too bad but

38:32

it was a little unexpected. I know

38:34

a cynic would say it's just a coincidence

38:36

but given the volume of things which keep

38:39

happening I do find myself questioning whether there's

38:41

more to the painting than meets the eye.

38:43

On the day James brought the portrait to

38:45

the London Bridge Experience their Wi-Fi went down.

38:49

Terrifying! And one of their TV

38:51

suffered an electrical fault. He added

38:54

after I brought the painting on site we kept it

38:56

wrapped up in the back of the office for a

38:58

while nobody knew it was here for a couple of weeks

39:00

but staff started reporting settings of

39:02

shadow figures following them. One

39:05

member of staff even said they kept hearing footsteps behind

39:07

them but when they turned around they were there.

39:10

A third of two James took the painting back

39:13

to his family home in Reading. Jesus Christ James!

39:15

In late October to do a radio interview he

39:17

just wants home. He wants home. I

39:19

don't like James. Any cost. James wants his

39:21

cash. He wants his

39:24

cash at the expense of the home. I bet

39:26

he's like his younger employees be like you better

39:28

fuck it the day the mirror come in here

39:30

you better fucking tell him you've been seeing things.

39:32

Yeah exactly. He's not a trustworthy source because he's

39:35

got a business to tell. But James if you're

39:37

listening we would like to

39:39

come along. James could you please

39:42

give us can we go on like a custody arrangement

39:45

with the painting? Yeah oh please. That'd be fun. I'd

39:47

love to have it up there. I don't know if

39:49

I'd be able to do actually. I

39:51

would. He claims two of his appliances blew

39:53

up and his father-in-law was

39:55

taken ill the same day two weeks

39:58

after purchasing the portrait. James

40:01

went on holiday with his family. A trip

40:03

he says was blighted by the curse of

40:05

the paintings. Oh my God! He's like, that

40:07

fucking painting! He added I end up hurting

40:09

my shoulder badly. And we had problems on

40:12

the ferry. That fucking painting has stopped me

40:14

from getting to Madeira! And with the hotel

40:16

it was a bit of a blighted holiday

40:18

to be honest. While James

40:20

was away on holiday, staff put the painting

40:23

up on display in the entrance to the

40:25

London Bridge Experience. Since then he says visitors

40:27

have heard whispers and seen shadow people, as

40:29

well as claiming their own appliances have blown

40:31

up when they've returned home. The managing

40:33

director and his team decided to hire a medium to do

40:35

a reading of the painting in November. She

40:38

told them the portrait has links to

40:40

a hotel in Eastbourne, East Sussex, and

40:42

that the subject was likely dead when

40:44

it was painted. James said we heard

40:46

all sorts of funny noises during the reading,

40:48

even the medium was quite puzzled. But she

40:50

picked up on a variety of things. She

40:53

believed the female subject was more than

40:55

likely painted after she died and

40:57

that it was painted by a spiritualist.

41:00

She also pointed towards a building linked to the painting

41:02

in Eastbourne, which is now a hotel. However

41:05

James said the reading left one of his staff members

41:07

more than a bit spooked. He

41:09

added our social media chap said he was watching TV

41:11

when he got home that day and it suddenly fell

41:13

off the wall and smashed in front of him. Get

41:15

fucked James. He had a lovely big

41:17

expensive LED TV. From

41:19

Argos actually, which

41:21

was firmly bolted to the wall and he had it

41:24

quite for some time and it literally flew off the

41:26

wall. It's bizarre. Argos if you do want to sponsor

41:28

this, please get it. Yeah, hashtag Argos.

41:30

All sorts of odd things have happened. But

41:32

despite the odd occurrences James has no

41:35

plans to part with the cursed painting.

41:37

That is fucking judging because he's making

41:39

it look like a liar cash. In

41:42

fact he has left it up in the reception area

41:44

despite taking down the other Halloween

41:46

decorations. He said it does creep me out a bit,

41:48

but I've gotten used to it now. I tend to

41:50

brush it off. We're no stranger to unusual things happening

41:52

in this building. We have our very own play pits

41:54

in the basement. Sorry. We're planning to keep it and

41:56

we hope we can find a happy home here. Excuse

41:58

me sir, what do you mean? plague pets in

42:00

the basement. Well where he does the London Bridge experience obviously

42:03

it's like a I hate James

42:05

I can see him has like slipped

42:07

back a Dalboy type. Yeah a bit

42:09

spiffy. I hate him. How

42:12

are we gonna get out of fucking pain then? We need to speak

42:14

to James. No I think we need to we need to break in.

42:17

Oh I'm up for that. Well that brings me onto

42:19

my next story. Okay yes please. I've

42:23

got two teeny tiny little ones. Yes

42:25

please. This one I've gotta be honest

42:28

with you Technically isn't a ghost story.

42:30

It's not even technical about it. It's not

42:32

a ghost story. But it did make

42:35

me go oh okay. Okay so

42:40

this is from uh

42:43

we don't know the name of the person.

42:45

This is not even a story it's just

42:47

like it's a paragraph. I was

42:49

listening I was sitting in my bedroom at like 11 30

42:52

pm. I heard a lot of stuff going on downstairs. I

42:54

assumed it was my mum. I heard her

42:56

walk up the stairs to my room, stop outside.

42:58

So I called out to her. She didn't say

43:00

anything and then she walked back downstairs. I

43:03

went downstairs half an hour later to find a piece of

43:05

paper with the words you're

43:07

lucky that I'm scared too. Honest.

43:11

And a whole bunch of stuff was missing. I'm

43:13

called mum. She still hadn't arrived home from a dinner

43:15

that she was at with friends. I called the police

43:18

and I locked myself in the bathroom. I think the

43:20

burglars left when they realized that I was still at

43:22

home. It's probably the most scared I've ever been when

43:24

I was hiding in the bathroom. So she was just

43:26

in a room and that creaking shit outside was

43:28

her intruder. But how fucking

43:30

pretty is that? Why would a burglar

43:32

leave a note? I know it does

43:34

seem a bit ridiculous but like kind

43:37

of heartwarming that she didn't get murdered.

43:40

My standards are low. I mean to

43:43

get all of the stuff but. Is

43:45

this something someone sent us in? No.

43:47

Oh fine. That's something I

43:50

thought that the post-it note being

43:52

like I'm scared too. Yeah. Makes me think

43:54

there's something else was in the house. Well

43:56

maybe it was. I think you're lucky that

43:58

I'm scared too. missing

44:01

yeah you're maybe like she got robbed

44:04

but there was also a ghost and literally

44:06

that burglar was like I could have come up

44:08

and fucking garroted you yeah but I

44:11

saw the

44:14

creeks yeah

44:17

I would never be able to not hear

44:19

that Creek again but mom and no just

44:21

on the other side of it okay I've

44:24

got one more tiny one yes please in

44:26

high school my friends and I were messing around with

44:28

the Ouija board one night we'd done it before and

44:31

nothing remarkable had ever really happened we

44:33

usually did it to try and scare each other or

44:35

our girlfriends we all thought it was a joke that

44:37

night there was no one else home except for seven

44:39

of us and we were all together around the board

44:42

one of the girls there wanting to try it she'd never done it

44:44

before this time the board

44:46

misspelled some

44:49

of the words the same way every time it

44:51

gave answers that seemed really historically accurate

44:53

for our town things that we neither

44:56

knew or cared about long story short

44:58

the spirit claimed it was a

45:00

ten-year-old boy who had died on the property in the 1800s

45:02

and was buried there too in

45:04

an unmarked grave my friend's

45:06

house was on a farm at the edge of town we were

45:08

all a little freaked out because the board had never

45:11

been so detailed and consistent however we

45:13

were all still skeptical and we were

45:15

all assuming one of us are trying to scare the rest finally

45:18

my friend asked the spirit finally

45:21

my friend asked if the spirit could do something to prove

45:23

he was still there with us it went

45:26

to yes and then spelled out K

45:30

N O C

45:33

K then

45:35

the planchette stopped moving we all

45:37

stared at it silently and then wrap

45:43

wrap wrap on the window right next to us

45:45

the lights were outside and there was absolutely no

45:47

one out there we never touch that

45:50

fucking board no

45:55

if you heard not coming from over there

45:57

I would you shit yourself probably yeah

46:00

I fucking would. Yeah, I

46:02

mean I say don't mess with the Ouija board. I do love to mess

46:04

with the Ouija board. I mean we've messed with the Bhutu ji for a

46:06

job. We do love to mess. So

46:10

because we've done so many Bloody Mary attempts

46:12

contacts, I thought I'd tell you a bit

46:14

about the background story. Yes please. Do you

46:16

know about the background story? I think I

46:18

did a vague... A vague idea. Yeah but...

46:22

This is a real story of Bloody Mary.

46:24

You're probably wondering if she's real or just

46:26

an urban legend. Well the truth is she's

46:28

real. Or at least she was real. The

46:31

legend of Bloody Mary is based on a true story. According

46:33

to the legend you have to send her to the bathroom

46:35

with one candle lit. I'm not sure if you've been going wrong. We haven't

46:38

got a candle. Or a box. Or

46:40

a... We

46:44

haven't got a bathroom between us. With

46:47

one candle say the name Bloody Mary. Into

46:51

the mirror three times in a row. It

46:53

is only the bravest of children who would attempt... Oh so you've got to

46:55

be a child. I

46:59

don't know. We've been needles. Do you know

47:01

what? Listen, wait till I make a bit more cash. I'm

47:03

going to look four. If

47:05

you see her ghostly face in the mirror it could

47:07

have one of the following terrible consequences. Your

47:11

eyes being ripped out and your face being horribly scarred.

47:14

Being found dead with claw marks all over your face and

47:16

body. Or disappearing mysteriously from the

47:18

bathroom and ended up trapped in the mirror with the

47:20

ghost for a dead. You

47:22

could also be driven insane or drop dead on the spot.

47:24

No one knows. The

47:27

history of the game is based on mixed up legends

47:29

and history that over the years have become the main

47:31

basis for the story surrounding the urban legend. The

47:33

most common story is that Bloody Mary was

47:36

a witch that lived over a hundred years

47:38

ago who dabbled in the black heart. See

47:40

I don't put much clout in this because

47:42

it's just men saying that women who are

47:44

a bit kooky are a witch. If

47:46

we lived in the 1600s who'd fucking death?

47:49

Oh 100%. So dead. Yeah as

47:51

soon as we rejected anyone's advances

47:54

it'd be like BUNHUH! Yeah exactly.

47:56

The second story is more modern. A local woman was

47:58

involved in a fatal crime. car accident and her

48:01

face was horribly scarred before she died. She

48:03

reappears in the mirror when she's summoned with

48:05

that same horrific face, but it is. There's

48:08

another suggestion that the name was Mary Wirth,

48:10

which was derived from a victim of the

48:12

Salem witch trials. The fourth

48:14

story is that Bloody Mary is based

48:16

on a historical figure. Yes? That's right!

48:19

Queen Mary, the first of England's! Oh

48:21

really? What? The ginger perm? No, this lady. Oh, her

48:28

sister, Mary Queen of Scots. Yeah, I don't

48:31

really think she's going to be a good

48:33

sister. Well, I thought that the eight had

48:35

about 10 wives. So that's interesting, isn't it?

48:37

No one really knows what her name is.

48:39

She could be Mary Johnson, Mary Lou, Mary

48:41

Wetherby, Elizabeth Pessory, or

48:43

Mary Wales, Mary Worthington, but they

48:46

are the options. So

48:48

Mary? Definitely Mary.

48:50

Yeah, definitely. We're hard on the

48:52

Mary fact. I like the idea

48:55

that it's a queen. Why

48:57

bloody? Because she

48:59

shows in the mirror like there's a face all like...

49:02

Does she? Yeah, scarred and clawed. Oh

49:05

right. So she knocked the head in.

49:08

Well, it would remove the face, wouldn't it?

49:10

There wouldn't be a face there. And it

49:12

could be like hanging off. Oh, like Carrie

49:14

Potter. Yeah, lovely. No, I think she's just

49:16

clawed and she's just... Okay. Because she's poorly

49:19

because everyone thought she was a witch. Well,

49:22

I really hate that for women. Yeah,

49:25

it's annoyed me a little bit. Yeah. I've

49:27

got what I said with our, if you

49:29

look on Patreon, we tell you all about

49:31

Molly Lee. Yeah. And this poor fucking witch

49:34

from Stoke on Trent. Poor Bette. Poor Bette.

49:36

And she basically was completely like hounded out

49:38

of town and killed. Just

49:40

because she was fiddling with the milk. Well, I

49:42

think she wasn't married. Wasn't married.

49:44

And she watered down the milk. It's good

49:46

business acting. She also had a pet crow.

49:49

And that's not a great image for when

49:51

which, like which accusations

49:53

are flying about. Six or fucking hamster. Yeah,

49:55

like get a guinea pig. Don't have the

49:57

crow on your shoulder and be like, no,

49:59

no. I feel like that was a piss take that

50:01

I think she's like they think I'm fucking weird wait till I

50:03

show my pet Yeah,

50:06

wait till I take the crow A

50:11

little crow lead I

50:15

do understand that I would kind of ham up

50:17

that if people were like terrified I'd be like

50:19

yeah, and she came back to be fair She

50:21

was a witch so go and listen to the

50:23

full story on patreon.com A

50:31

phone call with my husband How

50:35

are you doing? My heart melts when

50:37

I hear his voice. I'm doing okay.

50:39

I say I can't help but smile. How are

50:41

the kids? They miss you.

50:43

I bring the phone into the

50:45

playroom. Hey Isabelle Jackson say hi to daddy

50:48

Isabelle smiles and leans into the phone.

50:51

Hi daddy. She says at

50:53

only four She's already such a wonderful little

50:55

sweetheart, but when I bring the phone

50:57

to Jackson his face goes cold He shakes his

51:00

head furiously. No fuck off dad. Why

51:02

not? He pauses glaring at me. That's

51:04

not my real daddy Jackson

51:08

It's not it's not he screams. He

51:10

shakes his head wildly stomping on the

51:12

ground. It's not my daddy I

51:15

pulled the phone away on the verge of tears Last

51:21

comes through the other line cut with a bit

51:23

of static. I was like that too

51:25

when I was full I

51:34

Miss you so much. I tell him I

51:36

miss you, too I want

51:38

to tell him more so much more, but there isn't

51:40

much time I pull it away from my

51:42

ear and stare at the screen that pull out So

51:50

we can have no more of these shitty

51:52

kids he's not actually on the phone he's

51:54

in me I

52:01

Wow, I think we've really lowballed this whole

52:03

thing. Really? Oh yeah, this has just been

52:05

dick. This has been the most daughteral fucking

52:07

episode. Apologies. I

52:11

pull the phone away from my ear and stare at the

52:13

screen. One minute, 17

52:15

seconds remaining. So I asked

52:17

him to tell me about our first date, about the

52:20

Italian restaurant on the lake. Party in prison. It

52:22

sounds exactly like the way he used to tell it

52:24

to our friends. All the laughs timed at the right

52:27

places, when I spilled a glass of wine on myself,

52:29

when we ran out into the pouring rain. And

52:31

then, after he's done, I hear

52:33

the dreaded beep. I

52:36

whisper goodbye and pull the phone away from my

52:38

ear. Your

52:40

call with memorial AI has ended.

52:43

Pay $59.99 for five more minutes.

52:49

I can't stop at the mantel. The faces of

52:51

us. Meaning, feeling,

52:53

arms around each other. And in

52:56

the centre, a cold, stone grey air.

52:59

I'm lucky that Daniel posted so much of his

53:01

life online. I always complained about his

53:03

time on Facebook and Instagram and all his vlogging attempts

53:05

on YouTube. But now, now

53:07

that I can hear his voice and talk

53:09

to him, two years after

53:12

his death, I'm eternally thankful. Jesus! Because

53:14

without all that material, the AI wouldn't

53:16

have much to train itself on. I

53:19

whack my eyes. And I take the

53:21

button for five more minutes. How

53:23

much was it again? Oh

53:26

my God! That's extortionate! No

53:30

extortion from grief. Outrageous. Ah, that's

53:32

the true horror of it. Memorial AI. Wow,

53:34

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting it. Good, isn't it?

53:37

Yeah, that was good. But also, like, that is

53:39

coming, isn't it? Wow. Like

53:42

that sort of text... Your

53:44

head is literally filled. You're like, I

53:46

don't want your fucking oyster. He pulls

53:49

out of his dick like

53:51

what? It's because me and Adam went to a

53:53

seafood restaurant this day. And Adam, Adam, and I

53:55

was like, fucking they always do the same one.

53:58

But I do realize... You

54:00

know how they're supposed to be like a an

54:02

aphrodisiac? I thought is it because they kind of

54:04

are in Kind of similar shape of

54:06

the vagina is that why I? Don't

54:09

know they have norovirus in them. Oh do

54:11

I yeah? They

54:13

are the one I didn't have any I pretty shak.

54:15

They're not for a DJ aphrodisiac

54:19

How do you say it? It

54:21

is coming it is definitely that is gonna be Praying

54:36

on vulnerable people isn't it? I don't think

54:38

I'd bother Also like

54:41

not like it you remember when I'm Kim Kardashian

54:43

have a dad Hologram sort

54:45

of vibe and it's given to her

54:47

from yay. It's creepy. Mmm.

54:49

Have you ever seen that black mirror episode? Is

54:52

that a similar thing? Yeah? Well, but he

54:54

actually comes back that he's like a walking

54:56

talking Surely that is gonna

54:58

happen isn't it? Yeah, but I don't think I'd

55:00

be bothered about that like young Abba I belong

55:02

to all over bother listen to voice Yeah,

55:07

I mean they're not dead scary scary

55:09

world So

55:12

are you ready for creeper the week yes, please

55:14

again I Think

55:18

for the week creeper the

55:20

week creeper the week

55:22

creeper the week That's

55:29

my catchphrase I've

55:32

got a story for you. That's lovely. I

55:34

woke up from what felt like a three-year

55:36

sleep gagging for a glass of water I

55:39

looked at the time on my pink alarm clock for 27 a.m.

55:43

I signed and leaned over to grab my water

55:45

bottle took a huge gulp and placed it back

55:47

down as I did so I noticed Standing

55:52

near the door to my bedroom I

55:54

sat up trying to adjust my eyes to the

55:56

darkness surrounding my room My first thought was that

55:58

my sister had been asleep has been sleepwalking again.

56:00

It wasn't uncommon for her to do this but

56:02

it was rare she would come into my room.

56:05

I fucking hate sleepwalking. If you sleepwalk, handcuff yourself

56:07

to the bed because it's creepy as fuck. It

56:09

is creepy as shit. It

56:11

wasn't uncommon for Dua but she wouldn't come into my

56:14

room. In fact, it was so rare that it could

56:16

never have happened. I stared at the shadow a little

56:18

longer. No more than a minute though. It

56:20

was quite tall with a lot of hair and seemed to

56:23

wear a dress or nighty. It

56:25

was clear as day. Oi,

56:27

I was split. Nothing.

56:30

I whispered her name a couple more times before deciding to just

56:32

leave her be hoping she'd go back to bed. I

56:35

read on the internet that it was bad to wake a sleepwalker

56:37

up. You should just let them do their thing till they

56:39

wake up. Being a creepy

56:42

cunt. Pulling the covers up over

56:44

my head, I drifted back off to sleep. I

56:46

blinked and I was woken. Still under my

56:48

covers. To the sound of my alarm going off. Quickly,

56:52

turning it off, I threw it on my dress and

56:54

gown and slippers and stumbled downstairs. The smell of breath

56:56

soon woke me up as we all sat down to eat. Lacey,

56:59

you were sleepwalking again last night. I laughed. Hahaha. How

57:04

would you know that? She replied cockily. How's

57:06

it Sarah's all night? Sarah

57:09

was a strange best friend. It always seemed to be getting her into trouble.

57:12

I didn't reply, just sat in silence for the rest of the

57:14

morning. Afternoon, I was left alone as everyone

57:17

else had gone out. I took Jerry, my

57:19

German shepherd, out for a walk. That's a cute name

57:21

for a dog, that. Jerry. I

57:23

was so desperate for a wee halfway through that

57:25

I had to cut the walk short and take him

57:27

back home. Sorry buddy, I said running up

57:29

to the loom. I sat on the toilet

57:31

scrolling through TikTok, as you do, and suddenly

57:33

heard, I've sat on the toilet after having

57:35

a piss for like three hours. Well, that's

57:37

when I was discovered naked and... Oh yeah!

57:39

Just literally tits on my side. Tits on

57:41

side! Tits my back out. Gosh, naked bodies

57:43

today in this podcast. That was the worst

57:45

moment of 2023 for me. I

57:49

think about it more than I should say. This is hilarious.

57:52

Erm... I

57:54

sat on the toilet scrolling through TikTok, and suddenly

57:56

heard a loud noise coming from my room. I

58:00

ran in not knowing what to expect. It

58:03

was my speakers that connected to my radio. They were

58:05

on, so it was my radio. Playing the sound from

58:07

the TikTok video I was watching, but glitching every

58:09

few seconds. What the fuck,

58:11

I thought. I hadn't turned it on since the

58:13

other day. I stared in shock. Michelle,

58:15

I heard Lacey shout. Finally

58:18

I thought as I ran downstairs. Ah,

58:20

you're home. You'll never guess what. Nothing.

58:23

Nobody was there. I went over to the window.

58:25

No car either. Jerry was sat by

58:27

the back door and I walked over to him slowly. Hey,

58:30

boy. I said in a soft tone. What are you looking

58:32

at? Do you want a treat? Even

58:34

Jerry didn't look. He just kept his eye on whatever was in

58:36

the garden. As I got closer to the window,

58:38

I noticed what he was looking at. Behind

58:40

the apple tree at the bottom of my

58:42

garden, there was a shadowy figure.

58:45

It was the one from my room. But

58:47

this time, it was staring

58:49

right at my house, its eyes looking

58:52

straight through the window. Oh,

58:55

God. Is that from Michelle? That could

59:00

be, yeah. I think she might have changed her name, actually.

59:03

Oh, fine. Yeah, I think she's changed her

59:05

name. Oh, my God. That is absolutely terrifying.

59:07

Isn't that terrifying? I think I'm thinking like,

59:09

oh, it's just my sister. I would feel

59:11

really comforted knowing that a German shepherd was

59:13

there, Jerry. I like the addition of dogs.

59:15

I don't know if they're dogs who freak me out because

59:17

they start looking at things and you can't quite

59:20

describe. It's very, very annoying. She's not only got

59:22

a ghost, it's a mimic as well. It's a

59:24

mime. It's a mimicky, mammy girl. Do you remember

59:26

the mime story? I think that's one of the

59:28

most scary ones. Yeah, I agree.

59:31

I think it is. I like the mime in the

59:33

fence. You just, it's one

59:35

of, you know, when you think that everything's

59:37

normal and then you see something that's been

59:39

there for ages. Yeah, just looking from the

59:41

flat. Yeah, horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Um, OK, do

59:44

you want to play a game? Yes. OK.

59:46

So we had this sent in by a

59:48

listener. So basically, Susie, what I want you

59:50

to do is pick two of

59:52

the tarot cards. Oh, lovely. Two this time. Pick

59:55

whichever two you fancy. Pick a couple of tarot

59:57

cards. Oh, what have we got here? What have

59:59

we got there? which ones have you picked? So

1:00:01

the Empress and the

1:00:03

King, oh my God. Okay, well what does Aimee

1:00:05

mean? The Empress and the King of Pentacles, that's

1:00:07

like king and queen. The

1:00:10

Empress. That's kind of mad. Wow,

1:00:15

the Empress and the King of

1:00:17

Pentacles. The King symbolizes long-term success.

1:00:20

The same passion as the other cards, but the maturity to

1:00:22

thrive. Love it. What's the other

1:00:24

one, the Empress? Yeah, she looks better.

1:00:26

All that in my perfume. Also, she's got

1:00:29

such a lovely head crown. Let

1:00:31

me see. Look at her crown. Oh,

1:00:33

daisies. A starry crown. Daisies.

1:00:36

The high priestess, I feel like I quite like that

1:00:38

one. Oh my God, Empress

1:00:41

and King. These from both in the

1:00:43

Major Arcana then, eh? Major Arcana. The

1:00:45

Empress. The Empress represents beauty, maturing

1:00:49

and abundance. She's calm and content with her

1:00:51

life. The Empress indicates the need to

1:00:53

relax and allows things to happen naturally. The

1:00:55

Empress in quality is connecting with one's more feminine

1:00:57

traits and create pieces. Artistic

1:00:59

expression and connecting with nature are

1:01:02

representative of the cards. What a

1:01:04

lovely couple of cards. Johning, right,

1:01:06

put them in it. And then she's like, now, fun.

1:01:08

And then they aren't, that's the complete opposite of

1:01:10

what you are. But fan them off, like in

1:01:12

a little V, like next to it, sort of

1:01:14

like that. Yeah, facing each other. Yeah. Oh

1:01:18

God, the true skill. Okay. Yeah?

1:01:21

Now, I want you to ask it. Okay.

1:01:25

You need to decide if it falls right, it's

1:01:27

a yes. And if it falls left, it's a

1:01:29

no. So if it

1:01:31

goes... Well, I'm gonna blow on it directly into the thing

1:01:34

in whichever way it falls. Okay. So right

1:01:36

is... Right is yes and left is

1:01:38

no. Left is no. You're right and you're left.

1:01:40

Okay. Will

1:01:46

my new concealer really suit me?

1:01:52

Oh, yes. Oh

1:01:54

my God. See that? Yeah,

1:01:56

do it again. Okay. If you got

1:01:58

another one. Something else? Will

1:02:02

our tour be the best tour

1:02:04

that's ever been? What

1:02:09

does that mean? What does that mean? It's just so funny

1:02:11

on itself. I'm gonna

1:02:13

guess that it's gonna... Yes and no. It

1:02:16

is. It's gonna be hard work but we already knew

1:02:18

that. Yeah. Wow.

1:02:20

I'll do one more. Yeah. Okay.

1:02:27

Oh shit. Ah

1:02:30

motherfucker. Right. If

1:02:33

you're not watching I'm just trying to make you a

1:02:35

club. Okay here's my question.

1:02:38

How are they gonna hurt? I

1:02:40

must stay this way. I'm

1:02:43

gonna have to stay this way. I'm gonna

1:02:45

have to stay this way. Do you

1:02:48

think they're gonna hurt? Yeah. Do you

1:02:50

don't blow on it? We're trying to... You

1:02:52

have to just blow. Okay. Yes.

1:02:58

Oh fuck for that guys.

1:03:00

She's gonna have a good birthday.

1:03:02

Yay. Yes. Well thank you so

1:03:04

much for listening to this episode. If you do want more

1:03:06

content, if you cannot get enough, head on

1:03:09

over to patreon.com/ghosthunts. You can get, you can

1:03:11

sign up, you can get hours and hours

1:03:13

and hours of content. That's very official the

1:03:15

goth. That's very official the goth. We've

1:03:17

got films on there that we've made ourselves.

1:03:19

Ghosthunts, we go on, it's hours and hours

1:03:22

and hours of ghosthunts. Oh and we're thinking

1:03:24

if we're gonna shoot like a short

1:03:26

film. Like a little

1:03:28

horror short, we're gonna put it up on patreon. Just

1:03:31

because, why not? Let's fucking get

1:03:34

scared together. Very funny. So

1:03:36

go and do it. It's literally £4.50. It's

1:03:39

not even the price for coffee. Go

1:03:41

and head over to patreon.com. It's

1:03:44

dark, dry January. Well we're

1:03:46

not doing dry January. No, fuck it. If that isn't

1:03:48

happened, you're gonna be, I'm always pissed. Pissed now. I'm

1:03:50

gonna have a glass of wine tonight. Yeah, fuck it.

1:03:53

Thank you so much for joining. Bye. Bye.

1:03:56

Bye. you