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Hello, forgiver. In the last episode, I talked about how we are each uniquely

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made according to a particular temperament.

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I talked about how each of us has a different way of forgiving,

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and that could have something to do with how we were uniquely designed by our Creator.

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Today, I am going to talk about how the sanguine forgives.

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I personally am a sanguine and so much of what I have to say today rings true for myself.

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I will first talk a little bit about how sanguines forgive, their roadblocks

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to forgiveness, and what sanguins can do to move toward forgiveness.

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I also talked to Marty Thompson, Catholic Mindset Coach and Father,

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about what it means for him as a sanguine to forgive.

0:57

Please be tender with yourself. Forgiveness is serious business.

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May the grace of the Lord be with you as you contemplate what you learned today.

1:05

If this podcast is making a difference in your life, please hit subscribe below

1:09

and consider writing a review. Share the link with a friend, take a screenshot and share on your social media.

1:16

Connect with me as your forgiveness guide. I will hold space for you as you

1:20

work through your pain and rewrite your story.

1:23

Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness self-guided mini audio retreat at www.drkaren.com.

1:30

Check out my website for how you can bring me to your church or small faith sharing group.

1:35

And remember friends, forgiveness is for you.

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Music.

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So let's begin looking at the sanguine personality through the lens of forgiveness.

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Sanguins generally have a positive outlook on life.

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They believe in the inherent goodness

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of people and prefer focusing on the bright side of the situation.

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And this positive outlook can often make them more forgiving and understanding

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of other people's mistakes. stakes.

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Sanguins, in my opinion, are often too quick to forgive.

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They let go of grudges pretty easily and have sort of a natural tendency to

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want to maintain harmony in their relationships and not totally dwell on the

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negative emotions or conflicts for too long.

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Sanguins tend to avoid conflict or confrontation.

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They prefer to sort of just let things pass.

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And that could mean that they will often avoid stressful situation for the sake of forgiveness.

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Sanguins also have a very strong need for social connection.

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And so they thrive on having interactions with people.

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What What they will do is pursue forgiveness very quickly so that they can re-establish connection.

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They're also very empathetic and understanding, which means they have more of

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a tendency to see the situation from the other person's perspective.

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And that makes it really easy for them to let go of their own grievances.

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Sanguines are also pretty good at communication and expressing their feelings.

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And so when they forgive, they might be able to have more open and honest conversations

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with the person who hurt them and then also are able to ask more open-ended

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questions and are able to find more common ground so that they can move forward.

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There are some roadblocks for the sanguine in forgiving the other person,

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and that has to do with sanguine's inability to process really deep emotion

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because they want to stay on the surface.

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They're not very willing to dive deep into the pain that they might be carrying.

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And on top of that, for sanguine's complex emotions present a real challenge

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because they don't want to dive very deep into feelings, being betrayed or being hurt by someone.

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It might make it more difficult for them to confront and process their own emotions,

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even though they may be empathetic toward the person who hurt them,

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and that could hinder the forgiveness process.

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Also, sanguines might avoid conflict at all costs.

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And so the issues never get resolved, or it takes a very long time for sanguines

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to get to that place where they will look at the situation and not engage in false forgiveness,

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which is when they just say, I forgive you, and then they just want to move

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on, which is actually quite self-protective.

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So they never get to that point where they're addressing the conflict.

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And so forgiveness, true forgiveness cannot happen.

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Sanguines also tend to idealize relationship.

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They want to see only the best in people. And so if something happens that damages the relationship.

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They want to jump to the positive and kind of avoid looking at the negative

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characteristics that the other person might be displaying.

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And that makes forgiveness a lot more challenging.

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Sanguines also can be afraid of being vulnerable, especially when it comes to

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admitting that they've been hurt or expressing their true feelings.

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This fear can prevent them from fully engaging in the forgiveness process and

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leads to really a superficial relationship with the other person.

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Because sanguins tend to just want to go with the flow, they tend to have a

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lack of strong boundaries.

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They may struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries in relationships.

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Which opens them up to being hurt repeatedly.

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Without clear boundaries, it can be challenging for them to forgive and move

6:33

on from hurtful situations. Situations personally I can say that early

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in my marriage I had very weak boundaries

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and so it was a big struggle to

6:44

be honest with my husband about perhaps some

6:48

of the things that I expected from him and I just lived with them and eventually

6:53

things would come to big old blow up and then I would have to be truthful and

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then that forgiveness process would have to start and now that I'm a a little

7:04

bit older and more mature and know how to set boundaries.

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As a sanguine, it's a little bit easier for me to recognize when I just want

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to skim over things because I'm sanguine and I don't like to go deep into those emotions.

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Sanguines also tend to overextend themselves.

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Because we are generous and giving sometimes to the point of hurting ourselves

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in how much we give and not setting limits on our capacity.

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And that leads to being taken advantage of or underappreciated.

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And that can strain our ability to forgive as we build up resentments against

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the people who take advantage of us or who are exploiting us.

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We also, as sanguines, have a difficulty in letting go.

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We may be quick to forgive on the surface, but I'm telling you right now,

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we can give you a long list of the things that have been done to us that we

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had been holding on to underneath the surface.

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And so letting go of past grievances becomes a really big challenge for the

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sanguine. There are steps that sanguins can take to move toward the act of forgiveness.

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Number one, the sanguine can acknowledge and process the emotions that they

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are feeling because of the injustice that happened to them.

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Whatever emotions arise, the sanguine needs to go to the thought that's behind

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that emotion and challenge that thought for its truthfulness,

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its usefulness, the outcomes of the actions that come from that emotion,

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and then decide, do I want to forgive this person?

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If so, how will I do it? And then take action.

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Number two, practice empathy.

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The sanguine is good at empathy, but to really zoom out and listen for the story

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behind that person and the reason why that person did what they did.

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And that could cultivate a softness and release some of the resentment that

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the sanguine might feel after that fake forgiveness, right?

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Number three, the sanguine can set boundaries, healthy boundaries that delineates

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what's acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior.

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That shows self-respect and it can prevent future conflicts that might impede forgiveness.

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Number four, sanguins need to communicate openly with the person who has hurt them.

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If that person did something inappropriate, to go to that person and express

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your feelings calmly and assertively, focusing on I statements.

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And that three-part conversation that I mentioned before, you know,

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number one, this is what happened. Number two, okay.

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This is how I feel. And number three, this is what I need.

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Number five, the sanguine can release resentment by letting go of those negative emotions.

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And by finding healthy ways to interact,

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the sanguine can work through the process of releasing emotions through self-care,

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meditation, meditation perhaps writing a letter

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of forgiveness to the person that letter

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does not have to be mailed or handed over to

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the person but just releasing those emotions on

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paper number six focus on the

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positive shifting your focus from dwelling on past hurts can really help the

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sanguine appreciate the positive aspects of their life and their relationships

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the sanguine can also cultivate gratitude for the good things in their life

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and the positive qualities of the person who committed the injustice.

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And the last one that I want to talk about, and this is really important because

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as a sanguine, we tend to put other people first all the time.

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Practice, number seven, practice self-care.

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And self-care doesn't necessarily mean I'm just going to go,

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shopping and buying a bunch of clothes for myself, or I'm going to go get my

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nails done or my hair done. Those are all good things and they do comprise self-care of the body.

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But I'm talking about giving yourself love emotionally,

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being with yourself, giving yourself quiet time to meditate,

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time to be with the Lord, time to relax, time to do the things that you enjoy doing.

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Prioritizing your strengths and your resilience and supporting your own emotional

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healing is also really, really important.

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Forgiveness is a process and it's okay to give yourself time.

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Be patient with yourself as you navigate your emotions and you work toward forgiveness.

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Sanguine individuals can develop deeper connections and deeper relationships

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with with the people around them and in their families.

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And forgiveness can happen at a very, very deep level if the sanguine is willing

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to dive into the reality of who they are deep down.

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But that's enough spoken by me. Let's go and find out if everything that I've

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just said is true from the perspective of a real live sanguine.

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With me, I have Marty Thompson, who is a husband, a dad to four boys,

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and a graduate student at Holy Apostles pursuing a pastoral counseling degree.

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Let me have Marty jump in here and tell us more about yourself.

13:06

Yeah, thanks, Dr. Karen. It's a real honor and a pleasure to be here with you,

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to connect with you, and to talk about my favorite subject, temperaments,

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and particularly ours, you know, being a sanguine.

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And so, yeah, a little more about me, just the journey that I've been on, self-discovery,

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you know, growing up in some difficult circumstances with brokenness and family

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and a lot of isms in my family, drug addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence.

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Divorce and other things, right, where there has been a need for forgiveness.

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And by God's grace, I was able to find sobriety after experiencing and being

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exposed and participating in some of those isms myself.

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And through recovery, I found faith and then discovered the ability to gain

13:54

a deeper self-awareness through understanding my own temperament and other people's

13:58

temperaments in my life. And I just had a hunger to learn more.

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So I am pursuing a master's degree in pastoral counseling.

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I do have a bachelor's degree in theology. I am a certified coach with Metanoia

14:11

Catholic Coaching and a resident coach with them as well, which I enjoy working

14:14

with other men and women, too,

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to help them to gain a deeper sense of self-awareness and find healing and even

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sometimes forgiveness. I think we all have to grapple with this idea.

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It's one of probably our Lord's greatest commandments is to forgive if you want to be forgiven.

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And so easier said than done, right? Yeah, we're getting ready to celebrate 17 years of marriage.

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I have four boys between the ages of 13 and 6, and I homeschool my boys.

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I love doing that and then coaching in between. I belong to a Catholic 12-step

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recovery ministry, and so I work with a lot of guys in that.

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I just really dedicated my life to helping other people, other men and women,

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to find hope and forgiveness and to be able to experience that in their lives. That's beautiful.

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So I could say like, there's never a dull moment in your life.

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Very colorful history and story.

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And yeah, and just the way I think God is using me to make my story less boring.

15:14

Yeah, it's definitely never a dull moment with, you know, four boys and homeschooling

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and all the things that we've been through and are going through today.

15:22

Yeah. A lot of blessings, a lot of challenges, all good. Yes.

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Tell me, Marty, as a sanguine.

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What has been perhaps the most challenging aspect of forgiveness in your story of recovery?

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And maybe give our listeners a brief understanding of what you're recovering from.

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Yeah, sure, sure. So for me, personal recovery from alcohol and drugs 23 years

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ago, was addicted for, I'd say, at least 12 years as an adolescent up until the age of 23.

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And then struggles with pornography even longer than that.

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And it took longer to recover from and to experience true freedom.

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You know, interestingly, coincidentally, you know, each one of those addictions

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right there, as I was able to go deeper and see that those,

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the addictions, the substances were symptomatic of a deeper problem that had

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to do with broken relationships or wounded relationships where there was not forgiveness.

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And for me as a sanguine, I think one of the hardest things was wanting to not,

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you know, we sanguines tend to be people pleasers. We want people to like us. Right.

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And so to not want to create any tension or any discord.

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And I'm sanguine phlegmatic too. Right. That's my secondary.

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Probably for me even a little more so because, you know, phlegmatic is like peace and harmony.

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And so, but even as a sanguine, not wanting that conflict and so being willing to sacrifice,

16:56

even beginning forgiveness and maybe staying in relationships that were not

17:00

healthy or not communicating, like even with my wife over the years,

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not communicating with her on these difficult issues that we struggled with

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that could have opened up communication that could have led towards forgiveness.

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But instead, by remaining silent, because I don't want to have those hard conversations.

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You know, more resentment, more tension. Yes.

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What I'm hearing you say is that you had relationships in your life that you

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valued so greatly that you were willing to suffer.

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At the cost of, yeah, not running the relationship, right?

17:32

Not wanting to be disliked or being rejected, the thought of being rejected.

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I think that's one of the greatest fears that we sanguins have is fear of rejection. Yeah, absolutely.

17:42

Let's just suffer through it. Let's just, you know, not focus on it.

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We get distracted easily. So that's right. We tend to be shallow in the way that we see and think on a natural level.

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The nice way of putting is I like to see myself as a big picture guy.

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Yeah. But that right there can be a fault and not seeing the need to go deeper, right?

18:04

To see the need to get to the root of the cause and the need to reconcile,

18:08

to forgive, to communicate and experience healing.

18:12

Yeah. So what did it take for you to get to that point where you realized that

18:18

something has to shift? Yeah. Emotional pain helps is a great motivator. I always say pain is a great motivator,

18:24

especially emotional pain. And that was motivating to me to want to, you know, for myself at the age of

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24, I was on my hands and knees begging God for help. What do I do?

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I can't, I can't do this anymore. And, and allowing God to put people in my life to ask for help.

18:40

And it was really just communicating. I need help. I'm willing to do anything and to focus on our strengths as a saying

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when, you know, we tend to be more docile. And so I was open to different forms of help that led me to learning how to forgive.

18:56

And it's been a long journey, Dr. Karen, of, I see as a saying when we want,

19:00

we want things, you know, done quickly. Right. Yeah.

19:03

And so, you know, like, like turn on a switch. And so that's been a challenge

19:06

for me is, is coming to realize, you know, that forgiveness is a process.

19:11

And in some relationships that are are deeper, familial relationships, parents, right?

19:17

Intimate relationships, long lasting ones, right? It takes longer when there's

19:20

been woundedness, when there's been hurt. And it's been hard for me to realize that, to accept that.

19:25

Yes, it does have a cyclical nature, right?

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We address one issue, we think we're done forgiving, and then that same issue

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pops up either in a different relationship or in the same relationship in a different way.

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Does that make sense to you? Oh, absolutely.

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Like for me, anger has been something that's been coming up for years.

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When I go to confession, it's the one thing that comes up. And coincidentally,

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I went through a healing process ministry this morning that I had scheduled,

19:56

you know, months ago, that focuses on forgiveness using deliverance prayers and things like that.

20:03

And it's probably the most comprehensive process that I've ever been through.

20:06

And I've been through some others. Can you tell us a little bit more about that experience? Sure.

20:11

So I don't know if you're familiar with Greg and Julie Alexander from the Alexander House. I am. Yes.

20:17

Yes. So so we're being trained, my wife and I, to be marriage disciples and

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they have another ministry called Healing Hearts.

20:24

That helps individual people to heal from generational wounds,

20:28

vows and unforgiveness and different things that can really open ourselves up

20:33

to to be blocked from God's grace, from forgiving, from from healing.

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And it was just really powerful. And again, it caused me to have to really think deeper about these relationships

20:44

and even to spend more time using the words that they gave me that I believe was from God.

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God, that really helped me. I could feel it sometimes come up that really helped

20:56

me to process the forgiveness emotionally and not just in my head.

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Because like I said, we sanguins tend to do things really fast and get distracted and move on.

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And this gave me the opportunity to really slow down and allow it really to

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affect my heart at a deeper level.

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And when we were done, it was a two-hour session. I have not experienced this

21:16

much freedom in a a long time. Yes. As a sanguine choleric, I'm grateful for the choleric because the choleric

21:24

in me is that taskmaster that kind of brings the sanguine to the discipline, right?

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And so that slowing things down so that we can see where we're not going deep,

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I think is so important as sanguines.

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Yes. And I like to call my choleric sanguine friends or sanguine choleric friends,

21:44

a double shot of espresso and you can probably resonate with that a lot a lot

21:49

of extrovertedness a lot of energy so yeah but even just for i'm high sanguine

21:53

95 is what i score wow much every time on the on the assessments the different

21:58

and all the different ones too so i'm very high sanguine so.

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Slowing down so that I can process, so that I can see.

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We can't really see or hear God unless we're willing to slow down,

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quiet down, and really listen.

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And it really does take slowing down physically, mentally,

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emotionally, and spiritually to really be able to see and hear God working,

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asking us permission to heal us, to give us His grace so that we can be open to forgiveness. Yes.

22:30

So you have experience with the 12-step program as well.

22:36

How did that particular program help you get to where you are today? day.

22:43

Yeah. So 12-step recovery, what I love about it, it is really a path,

22:48

if you will, a systematic approach to forgiveness, reconciliation with God and

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with other people throughout your life.

22:56

For anybody that's familiar, the first three steps are about your relationship

23:00

with God and reconciling with God, trusting God, turning your life over to God.

23:05

And then the middle steps, four through nine, are all about reconciling your

23:09

relationships with other people and seeking forgiveness and giving forgiveness

23:16

to those people who cause you resentments and hurt in your life and then allowing God to heal,

23:23

to transform so that you can become a better channel of God's grace, right, for others.

23:29

Mm-hmm. Yes. So for you as someone who now works with other people,

23:35

how do you see forgiveness playing out perhaps in that particular ministry as

23:42

you're dealing with men who are struggling with addictions?

23:47

How do you see that playing out for you in real life? Well, it's really beautiful, Dr.

23:52

Karen, that I have my own experience and testimony and these resources,

23:57

whether it's the 12 Steps, the Healing Hearts Ministry by the Alexanders,

24:03

And some other, you know, the temperaments, I think getting to know ourselves,

24:07

beginning with temperament is very helpful.

24:11

I see it in a really multifaceted, integrated way, allowing God to transform

24:17

me and then and then allowing God to use me to help other men through my testimony

24:22

and these various vehicles, tools, resources that can help them. And so it's ordered.

24:27

Right. I mean, think about our faith and every aspect of it. There's there's order.

24:32

It's a process. And so that's what I see here is God has given –,

24:37

me, this order, this process, this systematic approach, step by step.

24:42

It's so simple. It's not easy, but we're dealing with fallen nature,

24:46

temptation of the world, other fallen natures, right?

24:49

But we have this simple ordered process that is perfect.

24:55

And that if you follow these, the kind of like God's commandments,

25:00

the old law and the new law, like if we follow these commandments.

25:03

Right? Our lives will grow.

25:06

We will be in God's protection, not saying that we won't get hurt,

25:09

but when we don't, when we do things that are disordered, we don't experience

25:14

forgiveness, reconciliation, healing from our woundedness.

25:18

And then, and then actually there's more, more hurt, more woundedness,

25:21

whether it's us hurting somebody else or putting ourselves in,

25:24

in relationships and environments where, you know, there's more potential for

25:28

hurt and woundedness. So it's ordered, right?

25:31

It's that comes from God. It's this process, this beautiful ordered process.

25:36

We're human beings with stories. And think about the Old Testament,

25:39

even the New Testament, and even, you know, stories of our saints, right, as Catholics.

25:43

Stories are so powerful. And when we get back to telling our stories,

25:47

you know, while we teach, you know, these beautiful ordered processes,

25:51

that's, I think, very impactful to allow other people to be open,

25:56

to be motivated, to be inspired, to seek, to have hope.

26:00

Yes, and it all begins with our will, this act of the will.

26:05

It begins and ends with this act of the will to open ourselves up to be vulnerable, right?

26:12

Yes, but there's something about inspiration, hearing truth from a real person,

26:18

whether it's God, right, who came and became one of us and the ultimate testimony,

26:22

the ultimate story that inspired the world in a powerful way.

26:26

And we're like little Christ, right? And the more we allow God to transform us.

26:32

And then the more we're willing to share our stories, I think we're able to

26:36

help other people to become willing, right?

26:39

To allow God to transform them, to allow God to give them the grace to be willing to forgive others.

26:45

God says, right, to forgive if you want to be forgiven. But I also think that

26:49

in order for us to really forgive, especially when we've experienced real trauma

26:52

in our life, I think we got to be open to God's grace to have that kind of forgiveness.

26:56

Yes. Wow. What a beautiful way to end this conversation is that understanding

27:02

of that openness to receive.

27:05

Amen. Yes. So Marty, how can people get a hold of you? Oh, easy.

27:11

Catholiccoaching.com. Go to the coaching page and you'll see my mug there and

27:15

click on my page and you'll see all my info to get a hold of me.

27:19

If you want to do a free discovery call, you're interested in coaching,

27:22

or you just want to chat and get some information, would be more than happy to connect.

27:28

Thank you so much for joining me here and bringing your beautiful,

27:32

sanguine presence to this podcast.

27:36

And I'm certain that whoever is in contact with you, Marty, will just experience

27:42

the joy that you bring into the Metanoia Catholic community.

27:46

Thank you, Dr. Karen. It's been a real privilege and a pleasure.

27:49

God bless you and the work that you do. Thank you.

27:52

Hello, forgiver. Welcome to the Forgiveness is for You podcast.

27:56

I'm Dr. Karen Silva, Forgiveness Guide and Catholic Mindset Coach.

28:00

I've spent 30 years in therapy for sexual, physical, emotional,

28:05

and racial trauma, but therapy could only take me so far.

28:09

I believe that there's freedom in forgiveness, but we cannot do it alone.

28:14

Do you struggle forgiving yourself or others? Are you ashamed of what happened to you in the past?

28:20

Do you harbor unforgiveness toward the adults who are supposed to protect you but didn't?

28:25

Do you resent a whole class of people because you were discriminated against?

28:29

On this podcast, we talk about all things forgiveness, what it is,

28:34

what it's not, and how you can begin to forgive yourself, others, and God.

28:39

Allow me to be your forgiveness guide. Let's begin.