0:05

Some couples love to have a date

0:08

night or a candlelight dinner or walking

0:10

hand-in-hand along a beach, but what

0:12

if that isn't romance to you? I'm

0:15

John Fuller joined by Dr. Greg Smalley

0:17

and his wife Erin, who lead the

0:19

Focus Marriage Department. And Erin,

0:21

I'm pretty sure you've met a couple or

0:23

two or three or more in

0:25

which one has a kind of

0:27

a romance love language that the other doesn't quite

0:30

get. Absolutely. And there's

0:32

multiple because we are all

0:34

different. And sometimes it

0:36

comes in the form of

0:39

one being more romantic than the other.

0:41

A couple comes to mind that I worked

0:43

with several years back and

0:45

the husband actually was the more

0:47

romantic one. And he tried and

0:49

he tried and he tried. And

0:52

she just was not romantic. He'd take

0:54

her out in these dates and she

0:57

just was kind of not into it.

0:59

It wasn't her thing. She

1:01

didn't feel connected, going

1:03

and doing romantic type

1:05

dates. So he of

1:07

course felt rejected. So it could have been

1:09

just like mac and cheese at home or whatever. Pizza

1:12

at home, watching a movie. But

1:14

he actually felt rejected. But of

1:16

course that's his to manage and

1:19

I encouraged him to do that, but also to

1:21

figure out how do we do this in a

1:23

way that works for both? Yes.

1:25

You have stressed, the two of you have

1:27

stressed the importance of communication,

1:29

especially about this kind of

1:32

thing. So let's

1:34

go ahead and listen to a couple

1:36

that have been married since I believe

1:38

1979. They have some

1:40

great insights about marriage, Bill and

1:43

Pam Farrell. Let's go ahead and listen

1:45

now as they chatted with Focus President

1:47

Jim Daley talking about what to do

1:49

if romance isn't really happening. Speak

1:52

to the person who, and again, the shoe

1:54

can be on either foot. This could be the

1:56

wife or the husband. And

1:58

Again, I'm not meaning to pick on. A bit

2:00

type person in your mind. Picture

2:02

an engineer and accountant. I love

2:04

you guys are you gals? But

2:06

you know they? They kind of

2:09

think in a linear way of

2:11

speech. Leper says, well, romance. It's

2:13

not one of my spiritual guess.

2:16

Because I am so logical. You know

2:18

she's gotta cover some of that for

2:20

me. And. We do encourage and.

2:23

Lives. In particular is sometimes a

2:26

woman's like I just want him to

2:28

romance me I said. Okay,

2:30

does he do anything nice for Yale

2:32

Law? Yeah he. Puts. Like snow

2:35

tires on my car and like that his

2:37

way of saying i love you I want

2:39

you to be safe so sometimes we just

2:41

need to put new lenses I here either

2:44

things that they're doing and then thanks Sam

2:46

Pam. Let. Me: Let me push back on

2:48

that and I'm in a good way

2:50

for women actually to say or that

2:52

you know that's not communicating with me.

2:54

I appreciate that it's nicely wants me

2:56

to be saved, said doesn't feel romantic

2:58

regs. ano tires right? So strike one.

3:02

From what I would say to the guys

3:04

and it is an uber you sept As

3:06

my dad was an engineer half expecting I

3:09

try to say such as an engineer yes

3:11

and what I would say to use Use

3:13

Your strengths. Rather, Than fight against

3:15

them. Hundred. Built you

3:17

a building. Not. Affect

3:20

the engineer outdoor. I would say there is

3:22

a formula that works with your wife. Now

3:25

okay and if you can, look for the formula. Now.

3:27

Parts of the formula you might be

3:29

uncomfortable with. Because part of

3:31

the formula might be writing her a

3:34

love note are saying something really complimentary

3:36

To hurt by that there's a formula

3:38

that works as why she married you

3:40

is because she appreciates the fact that

3:42

you can put stuff in the formulas

3:44

so figure out the formula and then

3:46

executed. You. Right now are

3:48

trying to act like or how do

3:50

I become the guy on the movies

3:53

whose real kind, insensitive and thoughtful. The

3:55

Hidden: Marry that guy she married you.

3:58

But. You can use your strength to figure out. The

4:00

formula looks like and my youngest son's

4:02

gotten very effective is so romantic. Ah

4:04

that's your He has studied, his wife

4:06

and his figured out what works with

4:08

her and he repeats it often. And

4:11

it works. And it worked as meet that

4:13

need for her. Because because again, he took

4:15

time yeah to study. Who see is. Not.

4:18

Try to put her into a mold of what would be

4:20

easy for he. Unnaturally lot romance is

4:22

is is taking their time

4:24

to observe your main and

4:26

then appreciate in value them

4:28

as so. There's nothing more

4:30

romantic than being told. Wow

4:33

thank you for being you

4:35

and it isn't that fascinating

4:37

one or favorite stories that

4:39

is an mina like awful

4:41

flying spaghetti eats as other

4:43

has spent his didn't have

4:45

a lot of money and

4:47

sell he just bought a

4:49

dozen roses on sale at

4:51

Intelsat. As five bucks where we

4:53

are friends and so. Back when

4:55

I know that I have no

4:57

offense. Has already by the flower build

4:59

her of like amazing but I'm he

5:01

said okay I will deliver these one

5:03

at a time. see just handing the

5:06

hub okay to her and love you

5:08

baby I'm such a new sit down

5:10

and then he would bring y en

5:12

rose and he'd say i love ah

5:14

what a great mom you are Then

5:16

he bring another rose and thank you

5:18

for being such an amazing cut thought

5:21

Wow Roses the twelve compliments every woman

5:23

lead lap. That's so again it's like

5:25

maximizing. Your gift. By. Adding

5:27

who am I giving away every hour or gotta

5:29

do it for the road. Added

5:32

over twelve way or the last. Five

5:36

years later, a little girl is that.

5:42

Will bring. What a touching story the feral

5:44

shared their in disguise. we might be thinking

5:47

flowers. Why are they such a big deal

5:49

to my wife. Would

5:51

somehow the your what's your answer

5:53

to that yeah wire flowers to

5:55

to be deal of course with

5:57

air and City here next to

5:59

me. That's probably something that's the

6:01

would be good for me to

6:03

ask. but as I think about

6:05

the importance of flour I think

6:07

it's because there's a range of

6:09

of messages the can be attached

6:12

to flowers to think about it.

6:14

Flowers my be used one day

6:16

as an apology pants I was

6:18

an idiot last night. am so

6:20

sorry years Ceos twelve red roses

6:22

to make up for whatever happened.

6:24

I think it can be a

6:26

thoughtfulness gesture so I know there's

6:28

been times the errands been facing.

6:30

Something difficult I sauntered non thinking

6:32

about her my bringer Some flowers

6:34

a could be expressing gratitude and

6:36

thank you for all the you

6:38

do or just for who you

6:41

are and. Again, This is

6:43

this is away the so that this

6:45

level of a preseason the can be

6:47

a part of celebrating he and rather

6:49

that's for a birthday for a special

6:52

holiday. Any of those I think it

6:54

can be a part of empathy. Here

6:56

you think about we we might go

6:58

and see someone at the hospital or

7:01

who's going to something toss in his

7:03

sister's sign of ma'am we're with you

7:05

like we know you're hurting and fires

7:08

can be a great way to say

7:10

that. So I think for guys it's

7:12

understanding that that there can be some

7:14

beautiful messages wrapped within these flowers and

7:17

in they can be used in a

7:19

variety of ways. So all that said,

7:21

I guess I would turn tubes to

7:23

my beautiful flower loving wife and goes

7:26

that is that accurate or what would

7:28

you say low rises, wire virus on

7:30

board times. Sell impressed that you came

7:32

up with all those. Meanings. I

7:35

live not about all about that. I've given you

7:37

flowers of the year as a half as. I've

7:39

never really thought about the different messages

7:42

that flowers communicate. And it's

7:44

always. Thought it's gonna say

7:46

with always positive but in some ways

7:48

and mean even you're making amends That's

7:50

not a negative thing bad it's an

7:53

attempt at repairing something that had have

7:55

any. So I would say when I

7:57

get father's for new I mean really.

8:00

All the different reasons bed all I

8:02

know as. Far. As make me happy. That

8:04

So what A gift card? Isn't

8:07

teams your house or the John

8:09

in looked at or the island Direct

8:11

hits in his has to have like

8:14

six different bouquets of flowers. Okay right

8:16

now and to celebrate her birthday

8:18

he was fun to watch all of

8:20

her friends really express their love and

8:23

celebrating her her life. With flowers in

8:25

the different types of flowers the

8:27

says there are lying now sign a

8:29

hard to in there's a message You

8:32

know how, you're right, you're not. Gonna

8:34

go there. By the way, Full disclosure:

8:36

There is no flower trade association behind

8:38

what we're doing here. Is the A

8:40

business? Just an observation based on the

8:43

feral story. But I'm with you, I

8:45

am. We used to live in Tyler,

8:47

Texas. I could get a a dozen

8:49

little roses. They were Beagle Boomers are

8:51

anything but a smaller roses from Feals.

8:53

Because they grow lot of flowers in

8:56

East Texas, I could get a dozen

8:58

roses for embark know out fifty or

9:00

two dollars is like I can do

9:02

this. So I made flowers a regular

9:04

part of our life. Then we moved

9:06

here and they're not quite so Chief.

9:10

Assists So yeah this do a

9:12

second more. a guy I met

9:14

a rush like lowers throughout. This

9:16

of his flowers are part of

9:18

your romantic love language. I'm great.

9:20

If they're not, maybe it's time

9:22

to start. And for more ideas

9:24

on integrating romance in the your

9:26

marriage? Request the Farrell's book for

9:28

gift of any amount. Make a

9:30

donation to focus on the family

9:32

either. monthly pledge. Or one time

9:35

gifts and I ask for your copy

9:37

of the book. Men are like waffles,

9:39

women are like spaghetti. And if you're

9:42

wondering, does my spouse want more or

9:44

different kinds of romance? well we're going

9:46

to point you to have free online

9:49

marriage assessments. This has a number of

9:51

talking points: The junior spouse can unpack

9:53

and discuss, communicate about. It's free. It'll

9:55

take you maybe ten minutes. Most okay,

9:58

fifteen at the most. Ill

10:00

give you some really good insights into

10:02

what's working where you can grow and

10:04

were in like over to that is

10:06

well in the show. Notes: Will

10:09

hear more from billion Pam Feral next time

10:11

as the sheer about making the most of

10:13

the moment. And for now on behalf of

10:15

Greg in Air and Smalley in the entire

10:17

team. I'm John Fuller and thanks for listening

10:19

to the focus on the family marriage. Been

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