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past broadcasts. Ep.

0:29

937. Punk Voyager. By Shainan K. Garity. Flashback Friday.

0:59

Hello and welcome to Escape Pod,

1:01

your weekly science fiction podcast.

1:04

I'm Valerie Valdez, your host for this

1:06

episode. Our

1:08

story this week is a flashback from our vaults.

1:11

Punk Voyager by Shainan K.

1:13

Garity. This story is

1:15

an Escape Pod original from January 2013. Shainan

1:21

K. Garity is a cartoonist best known

1:23

for the web comics Narbonic and Skin

1:25

Horse. Her prose fiction has

1:27

appeared in publications including Strange Horizons,

1:30

Light Speed, Drabblecast and

1:32

the unidentified Funny Objects Anthologies. She

1:35

lives in Berkeley with a cat and two

1:37

men of varying sizes. Our

1:41

narrator, Nathaniel Lee, aka Nathan

1:43

Lee, is one of the busiest

1:45

members of the genre fiction podcasting community. His

1:48

bio says he puts words in various orders

1:50

and intermittently receives money in return. His

1:53

fiction can be found in dozens of venues

1:56

online and off and he served both as

1:58

editor at the Drabblecast and a sister an

2:00

Ezra for escape path. Now

2:04

get ready for a bunch of punks to

2:06

make their own space probe because

2:08

it's story time. Punk

2:17

Voyager by Shannon

2:19

K. Garrity. Punk

2:23

Voyager was built by punks. They

2:26

made it from beer cans, razors, safety pins,

2:28

and a surfboard some douchebag had left on

2:30

the beach. Also plutonium.

2:34

Where did they get the plutonium? Around.

2:36

Fuck you. The punks

2:39

who built Punk Voyager were

2:41

Johnny Bonesaw, Johnny Razor, Mexican

2:43

Johnny Douchebag, Red Visser, and

2:45

some other guys. No

2:47

asshole, nobody remembers what other guys. They

2:49

were fucking wasted, these punks. They'd

2:51

been drinking on the San Diego beaches all

2:53

day and night talking about making a run

2:56

to Tijuana and then forgetting and punching each

2:58

other. They built a fire on

3:00

the beach and all night the fire went up

3:02

and down while the punks threw beer cans at

3:04

seagulls. Forget that

3:06

shit I just said. It wasn't the punks who did

3:08

it. They were fucking punks. The hell they know about

3:10

astro engineering? Truth is, the

3:13

Punk Voyager was the strung-out masterpiece

3:15

of Mexican Johnny Douchebag's girlfriend, LaCuna,

3:18

who had a doctorate in structural engineering. Before

3:21

she burned down and ran for the coast, LaCuna

3:24

was named Alice McGuire and

3:26

built secret nuclear submarines for

3:28

a government contractor in Ohio.

3:31

It sucked. But that was where

3:33

she got the skills to construct an unmanned

3:35

deep space probe. Same principle, right? Keep the

3:37

radiation in, keep the water out, or

3:40

the vacuum to space, whatever. It's all the same shit

3:42

to an engineer. Fuck

3:44

that. It wasn't even really LaCuna's baby.

3:46

It wasn't her idea. The idea was

3:48

red's. Fucking

3:50

space, he'd said that fateful night.

3:53

He was lying on his back, looking up at

3:55

space is why he said it. Hell

3:58

yeah, said Johnny. Vons Shit

4:02

ain't nothing but rocks and UFOs Ain't

4:05

no such thing as a UFO Like

4:08

hell there ain't, Sid Red CIA knows

4:10

all about it Them and the astronauts

4:13

He means the Voyager space probe, said

4:16

the Kunner Which is real, asshole Lacuna

4:19

was pissing off everyone but Mexican Johnny

4:21

Douchebag with her knowing shit routine That

4:24

and eating all the mushrooms and throwing them up in the

4:26

ocean I

4:28

want wine, Johnny Razor yelled down the

4:30

beach Mexican wine

4:33

Weren't we going to Tijuana? We

4:36

already went, yelled Mexican Johnny Douchebag

4:38

We went without you We're not

4:41

even here Then he laughed like

4:43

a pinhead He was on some shit Keep

4:46

it down, snapped Lacuna I'm telling these assholes

4:48

here about the space probe Fuck

4:51

the space probe, said Johnny Bonesaw The

4:54

Voyager 1 space probe, said Lacuna Was

4:56

launched into space to study the gas

4:59

giants And then continue out beyond the

5:01

solar system No

5:03

shit? Told you it was

5:05

real, said Red But the thing is,

5:08

the important thing is, the message it's got is

5:10

For the space people, tell them about the

5:12

messages Down the

5:15

beach, Johnny Razor and Mexican Johnny Douchebag started

5:17

punching each other mostly for something to do

5:20

Okay, yeah, Voyager carries a record of

5:22

stuff from Earth for the aliens to

5:24

find And naked pictures!

5:27

They put in naked pictures of people!

5:30

Yeah, whatever, naked pictures And photos,

5:32

different languages, music, stuff like that

5:35

Music? said Johnny Bonesaw What

5:38

music? said Red Umm...

5:41

Lacuna chewed her lips thinking Beethoven

5:44

maybe? Or Mozart? You

5:46

know, classical music and Tribal

5:48

stuff Like from around the world

5:51

And Johnny be good Johnny Bonesaw and Red stared

5:53

at her They stared up

5:55

at space They stared

5:57

at her. Back

6:00

at her. Chuck.

6:03

Berry. Said. Johnny Bone saw.

6:05

Yeah. They.

6:08

Looked up at space. Than.

6:10

Back at Laguna. Fuck

6:13

that shit said read

6:15

fucking Chuck Berry said

6:18

Johnny Bone saw. Down.

6:21

The beach Mexican Johnny Duisburg took a break

6:23

from the fist fight to throw up Laguna,

6:25

swore under her breath and got up to

6:28

help. Shot.

6:30

Barry shouted read he ran into

6:32

the ocean and stomp the waves

6:34

down. They. Kept coming back

6:37

and he kept shop bears.

6:40

This. Is bullshit Guy bone saw agreed.

6:43

Aliens. Are gonna

6:45

think we listened to Chuck Berry? They're

6:47

gonna think we walk around naked and

6:49

listen to Chuck Berry. The.

6:52

Rain know aliens, a Johnny bone saw but

6:54

if there was. Some. Think we. Read.

6:57

Post on the sand dripping seawater I

7:00

tell you what we should do. We

7:02

should make our own space probe. So

7:04

the aliens what we're really about right?

7:08

How. We gonna do that. How

7:10

hard can it be? Not like a full

7:13

size spaceship? It's little. Look.

7:15

A stock back and glared at the fire. Why?

7:18

Is that as will have to get himself fucked

7:20

up he's going to puke and all night. Feel.

7:24

Accoona and read: build us a space

7:26

probe. Build. Your own

7:28

space probe ass holes, Well.

7:30

If you show us how. The.

7:32

Coon a tude her lip tars. Yeah,

7:35

okay. Cel. Down the

7:37

beach. Hey get my talk it out

7:39

of the Van Duisburg. All

7:42

the punk started at the beach. Not

7:44

you do bags Mexican Johnny Do spared

7:46

the rest of you com the beach

7:49

for materials. Then

7:51

the punks built Punk voyager. They.

7:53

made it out a beer cans razor safety

7:55

pins and did i do this part already

7:58

it was whatever they loaded it with

8:00

the most precious artifacts of human culture

8:02

they could find in Mexican Johnny Douchebag's

8:04

van. Johnny Razor found

8:06

some surf magazines, Johnny Bonesaw

8:08

found a guitar pick and a book about

8:11

prison tattoos, Mexican Johnny Douchebag

8:13

got up right long enough to find his

8:15

second best roach clip and third best weed,

8:18

Red found a Clash 8-track,

8:20

and Lacuna with great ceremony placed

8:23

within punk voyager the first and

8:25

only LP by bad feet, the

8:27

band they were in sometimes. You've

8:31

got to make it faster than the regular

8:33

voyagers had read, so our culture gets to

8:35

the aliens before the CIA's fascist pseudo culture.

8:39

Piece of cake, said Lacuna, hold this beer can

8:41

in place while I weld it. Lacuna

8:44

tied a fuse to punk voyagers

8:46

plutonium fuel cells. She lit

8:48

it and screamed at them to get back,

8:50

way back. Mexican Johnny

8:52

Douchebag kept standing there poking it with a stick,

8:54

but when it started shaking and glowing purple and

8:57

screaming like a skin cat even he made a

8:59

run for it. In a haze

9:01

of fire and a cloud of smoke, punk

9:03

voyagers screamed into the sky. The

9:06

punk stared up after it until it disappeared.

9:09

Then Mexican Johnny Douchebag threw up and they punched

9:11

him and went to look for the train to

9:14

Tijuana. A couple of

9:16

days later they'd all forgotten about it, and when

9:18

they got back from Tijuana smelling of good booze

9:20

and bad sex, suddenly it

9:22

was the eighties. Things went

9:24

bad from there. Lacuna and

9:26

Mexican Johnny Douchebag got married and had a

9:28

house in the desert, until some

9:30

CIA turds showed up at their door to

9:32

ask about the perpetual motion machine Lacuna had

9:34

built in the backyard, then they disappeared off

9:36

the face of the earth. Johnny

9:39

Razor moved to Australia or some shit.

9:42

Johnny Bonesaw went yuppie, I swear to

9:44

God. Red did

9:47

part-time construction work, played folk

9:49

guitar, thought he was staying true to his roots,

9:51

which shows you what a self-diluted asshole that guy

9:53

was. A bunch of years

9:55

passed, then the aliens showed up.

9:59

They landed, in the mall in

10:01

Washington, D.C., the way it happens in movies. President

10:04

Reagan came out to greet them, and they punched

10:06

him in the cock. The Army

10:08

and the Marines and the Secret Service do

10:10

a hundred guns on them, and they nudge

10:12

each other and make extraterrestrial whooping noises. Vice

10:15

President Bush convinced the military to hold

10:18

off for fear of creating an interstellar

10:20

incident. He offered his hand,

10:22

and the aliens punched him in the cock. Nancy

10:25

Reagan stepped forward, and the aliens punched her

10:28

in the tits and shouted, plea glicks! The

10:31

First Lady said she'd been called worse. She punched three

10:33

of them until she hit what turned out to be

10:35

their cocks. Then they all laughed

10:37

and slapped her on the back and asked in English

10:39

where they could find a bar that didn't suck. They

10:42

were long gone by the time the U.N. delegation

10:45

arrived. Red

10:47

listened to the whole thing on the

10:49

radio while installing frosted glass doors in

10:51

some asshole attorney's master bath. That

10:54

was the kind of shit he did all day

10:56

to sell out. Something

10:58

itched in the back of his brain while he listened

11:00

to the news, a drunken half-memory

11:02

of watching a top-heavy aluminum flying

11:05

surfer blast into the stars. But

11:08

it didn't come back to him until that evening,

11:10

when the aliens made their first television broadcast. Red

11:14

stopped at a bar to watch it on

11:16

TV. The aliens were

11:18

at a bar too, some DC dive. They

11:21

looked like Jell-O and Cow-High was spikes running

11:23

out of it. Ted Koppel was

11:25

trying and failing to get them to talk into the

11:27

mic. Can

11:30

you tell the people of Earth where you come from? Some

11:33

shit hole. What

11:36

brings you to our planet? We heard it

11:38

used to be cool. And

11:40

what are your impressions of Earth so far? Plastic

11:43

bullshit, same as the rest of the galaxy. Except

11:46

Arcturus said another alien, fuck

11:48

Arcturus, it's fascist now. Ted

11:52

Koppel smiled for even more strained. Don't

11:55

you have any purpose here?

11:57

Any message for the human race? aliens

12:00

sat up. Oh yeah, we're looking

12:02

for bad feet. Bad?

12:06

They're this awesome band. We've

12:08

listened to at least two bands from Earth

12:10

and they're the best." Well,

12:14

shit, said Red. The

12:18

next day, Secretary of State George Shultz called

12:20

a press conference on behalf of the president,

12:22

who was still recovering from the cockpunching but

12:24

reported to be in good spirits. Since

12:28

Shultz explained the only Earth artifacts in which

12:30

the aliens showed any interest were beer and

12:32

a band called Bad Feet, it

12:34

wasn't true, they'd also asked if anyone could score

12:36

them some heroin. And Shultz

12:38

went on, since no one could find

12:40

any information whatsoever about Bad Feet, the

12:42

United Nations was organizing a rock concert

12:45

in the hope that the aliens could

12:47

find some other Earth music they liked.

12:50

Shultz delivered the press conference on the White House

12:52

lawn while the aliens threw handfuls of cat and

12:54

crunch at him. The

12:56

concert was a disaster, of course. I

12:59

mean, they had Billy Joel. Afterwards,

13:01

one of the aliens stood up in the VIP

13:04

box and made a speech. That

13:08

sucked, said the alien. You

13:10

shitheels were fun for a while, but now

13:12

we're going to go stomp this planet into

13:15

a state of awesome anarchy. Then,

13:18

the aliens stole some bicycles from some

13:20

nuns, biked back to the mall, and

13:22

kicked the Washington Monument until it fell

13:24

over. For the next couple

13:26

of days, they flew around the world on rocket

13:28

skis, hitting things with sledgehammers. They

13:30

did donuts in the Vatican until the Pope came out

13:32

and yelled at them. They climbed Tokyo

13:35

Tower and dropped quarters on people's heads.

13:37

They blew up the Falkland Islands. Red

13:41

stopped following the news because he was

13:43

a fucking pussy. He watched

13:45

Cosby show reruns instead. That

13:47

was what he was doing when his phone rang. "'Is

13:51

this Red Vissera?' said the voice on the other end.

13:54

"'You used to be in a band called Bad Feet?'

13:58

"'Aw shit,' thought Red. They found me.' The

14:00

CIA, or the President, or the UN, or

14:02

maybe some mafia guys who were pissed about

14:04

the graffiti the aliens left all over the

14:06

Vatican. No, he

14:09

says. Come on,

14:11

Red, I know it's you. It's me, Johnny

14:13

Bonesaw. Johnny Bonesaw?

14:15

No shit? Not

14:17

that I go by that name anymore, of course. I

14:20

heard you're an accountant now. How

14:22

you like that? I'll get

14:25

to the point, Red, because I know you're thinking the same

14:27

thing. You've got to contact

14:29

those aliens. Why? What

14:32

do you mean, why? They're destroying the Earth. Just

14:35

little property damage. But they're

14:38

looking for us. Don't you want to

14:40

save the planet, Red? Red?

14:43

Still there? I'm shrugging.

14:46

I guess you can't hear me shrugging. On

14:50

the other end of the line, the former Johnny Bonesaw groaned.

14:53

Okay, okay, consider this. The

14:55

aliens want to meet us. Their

14:57

visitors from another planet, and out of the

14:59

entire population of Earth, they want to meet

15:02

us. Doesn't that excite you? Not

15:05

really. What was that shit about liking

15:07

our music better than the Clash? Pretty

15:10

cool, huh? It's stupid. The

15:12

Clash is classic. What kind of dicklicker likes

15:15

our shitty band better than the Clash? Extra-terrestrial

15:19

life, Red. Are you coming with me or

15:21

not? I don't

15:23

want to meet some idiots who don't appreciate the

15:25

Clash. Get the other Jocneys. I

15:28

can't find them. Come on. At

15:30

least come out and see me. We'll talk. Old

15:32

times. Where the hell are

15:34

you? Ask Candido. You're still

15:36

in the city, right? I'll give you

15:40

directions. An asshole in thinning hair and an

15:42

alligator shirt met Red at the bus station,

15:44

and Red knew he'd made a mistake. Red,

15:47

the asshole yelled at him. Or what are you

15:50

calling yourself now? Tell me you're not still

15:52

going by Red Vissera. Just

15:54

Red is fine. Sure, sure. Me,

15:56

I went back to the name I was born

15:58

with. Had to for the firm. No

16:01

more Johnny Bonesaw, huh? No." He

16:04

handed Red a business card. It

16:06

read Reginald Bonesaw, III, CPA.

16:09

You can call me Reg. They

16:11

had lunch at the tackiest shithole you

16:13

ever saw. Street signs

16:15

on the walls and everything. They

16:18

drank fuzzy nipples because there wasn't any beer. The

16:22

way I see it, said Reginald Bonesaw, we

16:24

can work this thing. I'm seeing

16:26

Carson, Letterman, Book Deals, Movie of the Week,

16:28

you name it. And of course our album

16:31

goes platinum. Our

16:33

album sucked. It

16:35

still sucks. No one will care. It's

16:37

the album the aliens listen to. Then

16:40

we do a concert, make the

16:42

aliens happy. They stop tearing the

16:44

place up. Hello, we've forged world

16:46

peace. How's the Nobel Prize sound

16:48

to you? Is that what this is to

16:51

you? Another opportunity to make a buck? Another?

16:54

Hello, this is my first opportunity.

16:56

You think I wanted to work

16:58

under my father in the accountancy

17:00

firm of Goldman Davis, Bonesaw and

17:02

Bonesaw? Reg leaned forward, smearing

17:04

Red Eye bourbon barbecue sauce on his

17:06

elbow. Tell me the truth.

17:09

You want to install hot tubs for yuppies

17:11

and play acoustic guitar at college folk festivals for

17:13

the rest of your life? Red

17:16

avoided his gaze. He flicked

17:19

a French fry across the table. This

17:21

is it, said Reg. This is

17:23

our ticket out. Red

17:26

looked up. You think? Reg

17:30

drove the two of them to his house in the

17:32

suburbs, which was even worse than

17:34

what you're picturing. He surfaced

17:36

from the basement with a damp cardboard box

17:38

full of bad feet album. Always

17:41

knew these had come in handy, he said, more

17:43

to himself than to Red who was in the

17:45

kitchen eating the fruit out of the decorative fruit

17:47

hammock. Then Reg called

17:49

the local newspapers who called

17:51

local TV stations who called the national TV

17:53

stations who called the Secretary of State and

17:56

Ted Koppel. By the end of the day,

17:58

the world knew that bad feet

18:00

had been found. Reg

18:04

and Red were flown to the Grand Canyon

18:06

in the President's own helicopter. They

18:08

went to the Grand Canyon because that was where the aliens

18:10

were. The aliens were chucking

18:13

things into the canyon, mostly beer cans,

18:15

but occasionally mules and cars. They

18:17

were having a good time. A

18:19

retinue assembled at the lip of the Grand Canyon. Vice

18:22

President Bush was there looking much better, and a

18:25

lot of senators and the Secretary General of the

18:27

UN and the guy who sang Don't Worry Be

18:29

Happy. Marines came out in

18:31

formation. Yo-Yo Ma played something

18:33

on the cello like he did at shit like this.

18:36

It was a box piece that was, at

18:38

that very moment, approaching Neptune on the non-punk

18:41

Voyager. But Reg and Red,

18:43

standing to the left of the Vice President, didn't know

18:45

that. I

18:47

told you, Sir Reg, didn't I

18:50

tell you? We're celebrities! We're beyond

18:52

celebrities! Damn.

18:55

That canyon's huge in real life, said

18:58

Red. The

19:00

aliens approached. A

19:02

spokesperson stepped forward to greet them. She

19:05

was a Russian schoolteacher selected through an essay

19:07

contest, and she held a wreath of paper

19:09

cranes made by terminally ill Japanese children as

19:11

a gift to the stars. Sirs

19:15

and or Madams, she said, because humanity still

19:17

hadn't figured that out. We

19:19

found that band you like. No

19:22

shit, said one of the aliens. They appeared at

19:24

Reg and Red. Where's

19:26

the other Johnnies? We're

19:29

not sure, said the schoolteacher, but rest

19:31

assured, we're looking. What you

19:33

mean is, said the alien, bad feet

19:36

sold out. And got

19:38

old, said another alien, eyeballing Reg and

19:40

Red. The fuck you know,

19:42

said Red, what kind of asshole's like us better

19:44

than the Clash? This

19:47

sucks, said the first alien. Let's

19:49

get out of here. I'm with you,

19:51

said Red. We stepped up to the

19:53

aliens. Up close, they smelled

19:55

like a pine tree car air freshener, and

19:57

Red could see dark shapes floating in their

19:59

jelly parts. You know a

20:01

good place for a beer?" Yes,

20:03

as one of the aliens, but it's a ways. Around

20:06

a double star we passed on the way in. We

20:09

get started now, Sid Red, we can be there by dark.

20:12

What the hell are you doing? shouted Red. What

20:15

happened to making this work for us? What

20:17

happened to interstellar harmony? Red

20:21

gave him the finger. The

20:23

aliens gave him appendages. Then

20:25

they got the hell out of there. And it's time for

20:27

me to get the hell out of here. And

20:30

you'll stop riding me if you know what's

20:32

good for you, dickface. Once

21:07

again, that was Punk Voyager by

21:09

Shane and Kay Garrity. For

21:13

some people, punk is an aesthetic. A

21:15

label that gets added to a fashion

21:18

or sound or subgenre. For

21:20

others, it's an ethos. An anti-establishment

21:23

lifestyle that calls for a

21:25

constant pushback against oppression, authoritarianism,

21:28

and fascism. The

21:30

characters in this story are, like many punks,

21:33

angry at the world and expressing it in the way

21:35

they know best. Booze, drugs,

21:39

and making satellites to spread the good word

21:41

about the clash to cultures beyond our solar

21:43

system. Because this

21:45

is fiction, it works. And

21:47

we get treated to the delightful image of

21:49

Reagan and Bush being punched in the trunk.

21:52

But this story also shows us what growing

21:55

older can look like for youthful rebellions.

21:57

The tension between sticking to one's principal. I

22:01

want them to survive on selling out

22:03

the phone and fortune. He

22:06

may now be able to jump on

22:08

him in spaces and the earth. The

22:10

fingers a blast off her parts unknown

22:12

litres, Missouri machines trying to grind humans

22:14

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