0:00

You shouldn't be

0:00

homework police, you shouldn't

0:03

be their college counselor, you

0:03

shouldn't be the therapist, you

0:06

should not be their secretary,

0:06

or their Butler, right. And

0:10

there are days when you're going

0:10

to have to do any number of

0:12

these things. But on the whole,

0:12

you want to do less and less of

0:17

these things for your child as

0:17

they grow older. And there's

0:20

research that shows that around

0:20

age 13, your kids don't want

0:24

this from you anymore, you've

0:24

noticed this, they don't want to

0:26

listen to you, you may know what

0:26

they need to do. But you know

0:30

that just telling them that is

0:30

just not going to be is not

0:33

going to be productive, right?

0:33

They are trying to figure out

0:36

their independence and do things

0:36

on their own. So we need you to

0:40

make room for them to do that.

0:40

And yeah, they're gonna mess it

0:43

up, and you're gonna mess up

0:43

too, but they're still at home,

0:47

you're still there to help them

0:47

and to support them through

0:49

whatever they're going through.

0:49

So they can't really make too

0:52

many bad mistakes, right. Hey, folks, welcome back to the

1:06

podcast. Here we are in May. And

1:12

I know it's a pee season and

1:12

about to be finals and you know,

1:17

end of the year projects and

1:17

papers, and our kids are

1:21

stressed. And we're probably

1:21

stressed both for them. And by

1:25

them, we see all the things that

1:25

they could be doing better. And

1:30

we just know, oh, if they had

1:30

started that paper two weeks

1:33

ago, or if they just made

1:33

themselves an outline of what

1:37

they needed to study, or

1:37

whatever the tactic may be, you

1:40

know, what you would do in this

1:40

situation. But the trouble is,

1:44

your kid is not you. And so

1:44

navigating that kind of gap can

1:50

cause so much tension in the

1:50

family relationship, and

1:53

honestly, put more stress on

1:53

your kid, they're already

1:57

stressed out. So I wanted to

1:57

talk today about academic

2:01

excellence. Without burnout,

2:01

we're going to talk about the

2:05

things that are precursors to

2:05

academic excellence, and that

2:09

will help your students avoid

2:09

burnout. I've want to say at a,

2:12

you know, at the outset here

2:12

that I have to make a disclaimer

2:16

that you cannot time manage your

2:16

way back from burnout, you

2:20

cannot study yourself out of

2:20

burnout, you have to take a

2:25

different approach. And if it is

2:25

the case that your child may

2:29

have a mental health challenge,

2:29

I do encourage you to seek the

2:33

appropriate help for them.

2:33

Because you know, the stuff

2:36

we're going to talk about today

2:36

really executive functions and a

2:38

holistic way of thinking about

2:38

academic wellness can get you

2:43

part of the way there. But if

2:43

there is a mental health

2:45

challenge or or some sort of

2:45

extenuating circumstance, you

2:48

want to really make sure you get

2:48

them the support that they need.

2:51

So let's get into this. I want

2:51

to break down elements of

2:56

excellence here. And excellence

2:56

means different things to

3:00

different people. And that's

3:00

okay, that's actually the way we

3:03

want it to be. But when we think

3:03

about what colleges are looking

3:06

for, we're thinking about, Oh,

3:06

my gosh, we have to have

3:09

excellent grades, excellent test

3:09

scores, all the

3:12

extracurriculars, some kind of

3:12

leadership, they need to be an

3:16

outstanding citizen, you know,

3:16

doing community service. There's

3:19

a lot of that stuff. But I kind

3:19

of want to think beyond those

3:23

tangible activities that they're

3:23

doing. To think more about

3:27

really, what are colleges,

3:27

trying to assess by having your

3:31

kid report on all of those

3:31

different pieces of their lives?

3:34

And yes, a big part of it is

3:34

academic skills, their ability

3:37

to learn new things to read,

3:37

write, think critically make

3:41

decisions, things like that. But

3:41

I want to draw your attention

3:45

away from that for a little bit.

3:45

Because I know you're thinking

3:48

about all of that. And so are

3:48

your kids to think about these

3:50

other things. So physical

3:50

health, how they're fueling

3:54

their body, how often they're

3:54

moving their body, having an

3:58

appropriate amount of sleep, for

3:58

their developmental stage, the

4:03

physical environment, do they

4:03

have a clear designated study

4:07

space that is quiet and free of

4:07

distractions, that kind of

4:10

thing. We also want to talk

4:10

about their mental health, their

4:14

emotions, their ability to

4:14

regulate their emotions, self

4:16

esteem, stress, tolerance, good

4:16

boundaries, self care,

4:20

resilience, self advocacy skills

4:20

are really, really big because

4:24

they can open the door to a lot

4:24

of these other things. And then

4:27

social health, we are social

4:27

beings, we cannot do things just

4:31

on our own. We cannot isolate

4:31

ourselves without having some

4:34

detrimental effects. So we want

4:34

to make sure that they've got

4:37

communication skills. They are

4:37

healthy in their relationships,

4:42

whether that's with you or

4:42

siblings, other adults, family

4:46

members, friends, and that they

4:46

have a sense of community. And

4:50

this is one of the things that

4:50

actually really concerns me when

4:53

I see teenagers nowadays. They

4:53

feel like everybody is their

4:57

competition, so they're a little

4:57

bit guarded.

5:00

they're holding their cards

5:00

close to their chest, they don't

5:02

want, you know, their

5:02

competition, to see them

5:06

struggling to hear that they're

5:06

worried about something. So

5:10

they're putting on a show. And

5:10

that also means they're not

5:13

getting the support they need, they're not getting the validation that other people are

5:15

struggling with this thing too.

5:18

And actually, if we start

5:18

talking to each other, we maybe

5:21

can help each other or change

5:21

the tenor of this dynamic. So

5:25

really work with your kids on

5:25

making sure that they do have a

5:29

sense of community. Now, I don't

5:29

want this to feel like I'm

5:32

giving you this like whole other

5:32

list of things to worry about.

5:36

And honestly, when we're talking

5:36

about teenagers, high school

5:39

students, this should start

5:39

being less of your

5:44

responsibility as parent and

5:44

more of your child's

5:47

responsibility in terms of

5:47

taking care of themselves and

5:50

setting themselves up for

5:50

success. Now, that's not going

5:54

to happen overnight, we've got

5:54

to build towards it. What we're

5:58

talking about here is their

5:58

executive functions, you may

6:01

have heard this term, I want to

6:01

give you just a quick

6:04

definition, this is sort of like

6:04

air traffic control. This is the

6:07

higher order part of their brain

6:07

that actually regulates how they

6:11

spend their time, how they're

6:11

behaving, what they're thinking

6:13

about, and their emotions. So

6:13

you might see this as showing up

6:18

in their time management or

6:18

their flexibility, when they're

6:22

trying to solve a problem, their

6:22

follow through their impulse

6:27

control, and, you know, got a

6:27

whole bunch of other factors

6:29

here. And the set of these

6:29

skills taken together we call

6:34

executive functions. And nobody

6:34

is born with these fully

6:38

developed, everybody can

6:38

continue working on them, even

6:41

adults, maybe especially adults,

6:41

they are developed through

6:45

experience and practice. So your

6:45

student actually has to try

6:50

things, struggle with things,

6:50

figure this out for themselves,

6:55

and strengthen these abilities.

6:55

And strong executive function

6:58

skills, don't just help with the

6:58

learning, they actually help

7:02

people stick to healthy habits,

7:02

and then reduce stress. So we've

7:06

got this virtuous cycle of if

7:06

you strengthen those executive

7:09

executive function skills, your

7:09

child will be able to stick to

7:13

the healthy diet or healthy

7:13

sleeping regimen that they've

7:17

set out for themselves. And

7:17

that's going to enable their

7:20

performance more, strengthen

7:20

their impulse control even more,

7:24

because they're not just hungry,

7:24

or tired, or whatever it is, and

7:27

it's gonna snowball in this

7:27

really positive way.

7:31

But this is not something that

7:31

you can just force on your kid,

7:36

you can't just download it into

7:36

their brain, how do you force

7:40

somebody to have better impulse

7:40

control, you just can't. And if

7:44

you could, you really shouldn't,

7:44

because like I said, our kids

7:48

are on their way to their

7:48

independence, their adulthood,

7:51

you can't be their outsourced

7:51

executive function forever. So

7:55

one of the things that needs to

7:55

happen is for you to take a good

8:00

look at what your role is, and

8:00

redefine it and really

8:03

understand how you can best help

8:03

prepare your kid for that next

8:09

stage. Right? So maybe you will

8:09

are some of these things right

8:13

now. But we want to start

8:13

thinking about ways that you can

8:16

untangle yourself from it. You

8:16

shouldn't be homework, police,

8:20

you shouldn't be their college

8:20

counselor, you shouldn't be the

8:23

therapist, you should not be

8:23

their secretary, or their

8:27

Butler, right. And there are

8:27

days when you're gonna have to

8:30

do any number of these things.

8:30

But on the whole, you want to do

8:34

less and less of these things

8:34

for your child as they grow

8:37

older. And there's research that

8:37

shows that around age 13, your

8:41

kids don't want this from you

8:41

anymore, you've noticed this,

8:44

they don't want to listen to

8:44

you, you may know what they need

8:46

to do. But you know that just

8:46

telling them that is just not

8:50

going to be is not going to be

8:50

productive, right? They are

8:53

trying to figure out their independence and do things on their own. So we need you to

8:55

make room for them to do that.

9:00

And yeah, they're gonna mess it

9:00

up, and you're gonna mess up

9:02

too. But they're still at home,

9:02

you're still there to help them

9:06

and to support them through whatever they're going through. So they can't really make too

9:08

many bad mistakes, right? You

9:11

gotta give them a chance to

9:11

practice these things. And so as

9:14

you move away from this, you're

9:14

not column who move more into

9:19

the you are column, where you

9:19

are a supporter, and they can

9:23

call you in for help. If they

9:23

call you in for help. You can

9:27

collaborate with them, you are

9:27

their champion, you're their

9:30

cheerleader, you can still be

9:30

their confidant, I mean, after

9:33

all, you're their parent, you're

9:33

their closest relationship, you

9:35

really want to maintain that as

9:35

things you know, get more and

9:39

more dynamic in high school and

9:39

adolescence. You really want to

9:42

maintain that clear

9:42

communication, open relationship

9:46

and that emotional bond and you

9:46

are a role model as much as they

9:50

may roll their eyes at you and

9:50

be like, oh, gosh, Mom, I hate

9:54

when you do this thing. They are

9:54

looking to you to understand how

9:58

to shape their lives. How to move into being an adult.

10:00

So you have this ability to

10:03

model for them, the changes that

10:03

you would like to see in that,

10:08

and show them how those changes

10:08

have impacted your life. And

10:12

instead of just teaching them

10:12

how to do this, you can just

10:15

sort of demonstrate it to them.

10:15

And that's going to lead to a

10:17

better relationship, and

10:17

probably better learning.

10:21

All right, this is hard. I do

10:21

want to know, I want to

10:26

acknowledge that it is hard to

10:26

shift your role you've been in

10:29

one role for 1314 15, you know,

10:29

however old your kid is, you've

10:33

been in these roles for that

10:33

long is very hard to change,

10:38

right? The danger is failure to

10:38

launch. If a parent doesn't

10:42

start to decrease their

10:42

involvement in their

10:46

micromanaging or direct doing

10:46

for their child, their child

10:50

will never grow on that scale of

10:50

independence, and they will be

10:54

stunted. And they may still get

10:54

good grades, graduate from high

10:59

school go to a great college,

10:59

but there is going to be some

11:03

interdependence there that is

11:03

not serving their growth as an

11:08

independent adult. And that's

11:08

what we call Failure to Launch.

11:11

We really want, you know, happy

11:11

well adjusted kids who can

11:15

handle some stress, who know how

11:15

to navigate difficult situations

11:18

on their own, and know that they

11:18

can call you in for help if they

11:21

need it, but not depend on you

11:21

to sort of swoop in and solve

11:25

all their problems for them.

11:25

Now, before I get into, how do

11:30

you do this, I'm going to try to

11:30

show you what we do. And I'm

11:35

going to ask you to do something

11:35

that maybe feels a little silly,

11:38

but I'm going to ask you to

11:38

imagine, right now, think of

11:43

your biggest challenge. Really

11:43

think about that thing that is

11:46

just a pain in your butt thorn

11:46

in your side, the biggest

11:50

obstacle to your happiness. And

11:50

think about all the energy and

11:55

time that this challenge has

11:55

taken up for you so much space

12:01

in your life. We all have at

12:01

least one or two of these

12:04

things. Okay, great. We've got our

12:06

challenge. Now. Just imagine for

12:12

a second, just consider the

12:12

possibility. just magically,

12:17

whatever this thing is, it just

12:17

flies away. You just totally

12:23

disappears from your life. Okay,

12:23

good. Don't worry about how,

12:27

when whatever, it just is gone. Now, how would you feel? If that

12:30

challenge just disappeared? How

12:35

does it feel? The first time I ever did this

12:37

exercise, actually with one of

12:40

my colleagues who's who's a

12:40

coach, she actually saw my

12:44

shoulders drop, and like some

12:44

like worry lines from my

12:47

forehead melt away. It's a good

12:47

feeling, right? And what I've

12:54

just done is something that we

12:54

call visioning. Right? I'm not

13:00

asking you, what do you want to

13:00

be in 10 years, I'm asking you

13:03

to imagine a world where your

13:03

biggest challenges are no longer

13:08

holding you back. I'm not

13:08

telling you how to solve them or

13:12

what to do any of that. I'm just

13:12

asking you to like lock into the

13:17

feeling of having things be

13:17

different in a way that you

13:21

want, right? And it's powerful.

13:21

And that's often what happens

13:26

with the teenagers, we coach, we

13:26

get them to imagine a world

13:31

where their challenge is no

13:31

longer a problem. And they get

13:35

so motivated by that vision of a

13:35

future, that they find the

13:41

resilience and grit and

13:41

perseverance to start working on

13:44

that challenge. Now, here's our

13:44

model of behavior change is sort

13:48

of the science of behavior

13:48

change. It's not just flip a

13:51

switch, I do an exercise. Now

13:51

your life is different. You

13:54

know, that's not how reality

13:54

works. It's a process. And where

13:59

people start is in pre

13:59

contemplation. Maybe they're not

14:02

even aware there's a problem,

14:02

right? There's no intention of

14:05

changing the behavior. When they

14:05

get to contemplation, they're

14:08

starting to be more aware, but

14:08

they're not like, Oh, this is

14:11

what I need to do. Here's my

14:11

plan. They're just like, oh,

14:14

yeah, this thing kind of sucks.

14:14

And then we move in closer to

14:19

action, where we're preparing to

14:19

make changes. We're evaluating,

14:23

you know, solutions, seeing what

14:23

other people have done. And then

14:26

we take an action. And we've got

14:26

to maintain that action to build

14:30

this habit, and it's going to be

14:30

a roller coaster, you are going

14:33

to relapse. And then we learn

14:33

something from that relapse. And

14:37

the next time we try we try

14:37

better, right? We learned

14:40

something. And what I just did

14:40

with that visioning exercise is

14:45

I nudged you closer to action.

14:45

Right? I'm sure many of your

14:51

kids, even if they have a

14:51

diagnosis, are not speaking

14:54

explicitly about the challenge

14:54

that's in front of them,

14:57

whatever you see as their

14:57

biggest challenge, but

15:00

If we were to do that visioning

15:00

exercise with them, all of a

15:03

sudden, they just like jumped

15:03

ahead, oh, if I change this

15:08

thing, everything would be

15:08

different. It really moves them

15:11

towards action, but also gets

15:11

their buy in. Because this is a

15:15

vision that they have created,

15:15

right, they've identified the

15:19

challenge. And they've

15:19

identified the world that they

15:22

want to live in, right. And so a

15:22

parent can't do much about this.

15:26

So I'll tell you some tips and

15:26

some strategies. This has to be

15:31

an internal process, right. But

15:31

what a parent can do is create

15:35

the conditions for lasting

15:35

change. You do that through

15:39

things like scaffolding, doing

15:39

it with them for a little bit,

15:42

until they can do it on their

15:42

own, almost like you know,

15:44

riding a bike or holding the bike for a little bit. And then you let go, modeling, we talked

15:46

about that already. And then

15:49

mentoring. It's not a

15:49

prescriptive teaching

15:52

relationship. It is a mentorship

15:52

relationship. And it's often not

15:55

with a parent or direct family

15:55

member, it's usually with

15:58

somebody else that maybe you

15:58

trust as a parent, but the kid

16:02

is really looking up to that

16:02

person and accepting of their

16:05

mentorship. So in my industry,

16:05

we call this executive function

16:11

coaching, right, and I just kind

16:11

of want to give you a sense of

16:14

like, what that landscape looks

16:14

like, some places, you know,

16:18

they just give you a workbook,

16:18

and it's a bunch of worksheets,

16:21

and the kids supposed to work through it on their own. And then I don't know magic happens.

16:22

Sometimes it's video lessons,

16:27

like they'll prescribe you,

16:27

Okay, watch this, and watch

16:29

that. The thing with those two

16:29

is that, you know, if your kid

16:32

has got an executive function

16:32

issue, they probably are not,

16:36

you know, together enough to

16:36

really be disciplined working

16:39

through that workbook or

16:39

watching the video and

16:41

implementing it right, the the

16:41

challenge that they're trying to

16:45

solve is actually going to hold

16:45

them back from those solutions.

16:48

So the other set of executive

16:48

function coaching is usually one

16:51

on one live sessions with a

16:51

person, sometimes online. And

16:56

sometimes in person, I would

16:56

say, post COVID, most of this is

16:59

online. But you know, every once

16:59

in awhile, you find someone who

17:02

can come to your house and

17:02

actually look at your kids study

17:05

area, or help them organize

17:05

their backpack, things like

17:07

that. And we have like a couple

17:07

of different maybe postures,

17:12

some of them are really a crutch, you bring in this person, and they're actually

17:14

doing the things for your kid.

17:17

So your kid is not learning

17:17

skills, they're not gaining

17:20

independence, they are getting

17:20

more dependent on somebody else,

17:23

maybe it's not you, maybe that's

17:23

a good thing. But they're still

17:26

leaning on somebody else, they

17:26

can't stand on their own two

17:28

feet, I mentioned that a lot of

17:28

these places are very

17:31

prescriptive, they'll say,

17:31

here's a calendar, go use it, or

17:36

I'm gonna give you this planner,

17:36

or here's my system for doing

17:40

this thing. And they teach a kid

17:40

how to use that tool or system.

17:45

And then the kid is on their

17:45

own, expected to keep up with

17:48

it. Right, that may have some

17:48

initial positive impact, because

17:53

there's something happening and

17:53

your kids, you know, motivated

17:56

to change it. But it's usually

17:56

not lasting. Mostly because it's

18:00

not organic, it's not natural to

18:00

the student, it's not something

18:03

that student had a part in

18:03

creating for themselves, right,

18:06

which is part of the empowerment

18:06

and confidence building process.

18:10

So our third sort of posture

18:10

here is a true coaching posture,

18:14

where no one's coming in to

18:14

teach your kid and say you did

18:17

it right, or you did it wrong.

18:17

It's asking really powerful

18:20

questions, guiding a student

18:20

through this process of gradual

18:24

realization and collaboration,

18:24

so that they're creating

18:27

solutions for themselves,

18:27

there's a lot more sticking

18:30

power there. A lot of people who

18:30

do executive function coaching

18:33

are actually speech and language

18:33

pathologists. Part of that is

18:37

because our development of

18:37

language starts here very early

18:41

on in the childhood development

18:41

trajectory. And SLP has sort of

18:45

the training and the ways of

18:45

relating to young kids as

18:50

they're building these things.

18:50

Right. So SLPs often offer

18:55

executive function coaching,

18:55

usually for younger kids. And

18:58

then you've got other people who

18:58

have a coaching certification.

19:03

They have some ADHD or executive

19:03

function training that may be

19:06

specific to their organization.

19:06

There is no real like licensing

19:11

body for executive function

19:11

coaching. But these are the two

19:14

sort of most common types of

19:14

training you'll see. And then in

19:17

terms of rates, the average

19:17

range is really 150 to 350 an

19:22

hour, most of them do charge by

19:22

the hour, usually recommend an

19:25

hour to hour and a half a week,

19:25

though, I will say shorter, more

19:29

frequent sessions are really

19:29

recommended here. So you may

19:32

still get to a total of an hour

19:32

but it might be, you know, 415

19:36

minute sessions over the course

19:36

of the week or one longer one,

19:39

maybe on a Sunday to plan and

19:39

then a shorter one, you know,

19:43

later in the week to check in on

19:43

progress, right? The touch point

19:46

is really, really important

19:46

because it's that consistency

19:49

that can help a student really

19:49

stay on track as they're

19:51

learning a new skill or in

19:51

building a new habit. And

19:54

typically, a coaching

19:54

relationship lasts for about

19:57

three to six months. There are

19:57

definitely people who do this

19:59

longer. Very rarely, some people do it

20:00

shorter. But behavior change

20:03

takes time. Right? We know it

20:03

takes at least three weeks to

20:05

build a habit. But first, you

20:05

got to figure out what the

20:08

problem is what the root of that

20:08

problem is, try out a bunch of

20:10

solutions, and then turn that

20:10

solution into habit, right. So

20:13

we do need a little bit of time.

20:13

There are no real overnight

20:17

successes here when it comes to

20:17

coaching. So that's what this

20:21

sort of world looks like. And I

20:21

want to tell you a little bit

20:25

more about what we do at Signet.

20:25

We call it academic coaching, it

20:28

is broader than executive

20:28

functions only though we deal

20:32

with a lot of executive function

20:32

challenges. Our coaching is very

20:36

student centered. So this is

20:36

more on that pure coaching

20:39

posture, where we're not saying,

20:39

Hey, your mom told me, you have

20:44

trouble with time management. We are sitting in a meeting with

20:47

the student and any other

20:50

stakeholders, including you to

20:50

say, what do we see here? What

20:53

are the challenges, we always

20:53

let the student go first, let

20:56

them name their challenges,

20:56

because those are the things

20:59

they're actually motivated to

20:59

change. And there may be a whole

21:02

bunch of other challenges that

21:02

you see. But if we start with

21:04

any of those, your kids gonna

21:04

lose the buy in, right, we

21:08

really want to start with that

21:08

low hanging fruit, they're

21:10

already motivated to change this

21:10

thing. Let's help them build

21:13

some confidence. And let's let

21:13

them lead the way. At the end of

21:16

the day, that's what we're trying to do right to help them grow into adults who can make

21:18

decisions for themselves. And so

21:21

this is a great place to

21:21

practice that. It is totally

21:24

judgment free. Even if we say,

21:24

okay, we built this system for

21:28

your managing our homework,

21:28

you're gonna go use it and

21:30

report back to me on Wednesday

21:30

how this went, and they come

21:33

back and they're like, Yeah, I

21:33

didn't do anything. There's

21:35

never a I'm so disappointed in

21:35

you, or what happened, you like,

21:39

told me you're gonna do this.

21:39

Now, I can't trust you like that

21:42

is totally irrelevant to this

21:42

relationship. It's actually very

21:45

counterproductive. And what we

21:45

do is we treat it as data. Okay,

21:50

you didn't do what you thought

21:50

you were gonna do. Let's try to

21:53

figure out why did you have a

21:53

really big fight with your best

21:56

friend? Did you get sick? Did

21:56

you realize as you got started,

22:01

something is just off about this

22:01

system, it's not going to work

22:04

for you. Let's reflect on this.

22:04

And let's learn from it so that

22:07

when we try again, because we

22:07

aren't going to try again, we do

22:10

it better. So instead of

22:10

judgment, it's data. And then we

22:16

really specialize in teenagers

22:16

with ADHD, executive function

22:19

challenges, and or loads of

22:19

stress, you don't have to have

22:23

ADHD or executive function

22:23

challenges to be stressed out

22:26

about school. And in fact, some

22:26

of our most meaningful coaching

22:29

relationships are with students

22:29

who otherwise have very strong

22:32

executive functions. But for

22:32

whatever reason, school is just

22:35

not bringing them joy. They

22:35

don't feel like they have a

22:39

clear purpose or understand

22:39

their why their motivation or

22:42

what comes next. And those are

22:42

the kinds of things that we work

22:45

with them on. Because our

22:45

coaching is very strengths based

22:49

values based, it's like very

22:49

much turning inwards, so that

22:52

you can then apply your skills

22:52

and strength to the challenges

22:55

in front of you. It obviously

22:55

includes a lot of reflection, at

22:59

the end of the day, that's probably the biggest skill that we're trying to teach students

23:01

how to reflect. And then action

23:05

planning and accountability,

23:05

right, that's where we're really

23:09

different from those places that

23:09

just give you a calendar and

23:11

walk away, we're gonna stick

23:11

with you and help you adjust the

23:14

system, adjust your solution so

23:14

that it does stick and that you

23:17

have a habit that will last. And

23:17

when we're doing this are kind

23:22

of like two parallel tracks that

23:22

we're working on. Right. So we

23:25

are building new habits, we're

23:25

identifying problems and

23:28

replacing old habits with these

23:28

new ones. So we have to envision

23:32

the change, we've got to get to

23:32

the root of the problem. And

23:35

then we're going to reflect and

23:35

iterate until we've kind of got

23:39

our right solution. And that's

23:39

going to lead us into an ability

23:43

to always identify and solve our

23:43

own problems, we can celebrate

23:47

progress together, right? Our

23:47

human brains are really wired to

23:49

focus on the negative, it's

23:49

really helpful to have a coach

23:51

who can celebrate your progress

23:51

with you, we are going to come

23:55

away understanding how your

23:55

sleep habits affect your ability

23:59

to do well on the sad things

23:59

like that, right? Understanding

24:03

how all of these things are interconnected, you can't sacrifice those sort of

24:05

underlying healthy habits to get

24:10

the A because you're gonna

24:10

sabotage yourself, right? And

24:14

really, what I'm trying to do

24:14

with students is help them

24:17

define success on their own

24:17

terms. Right? You know, there's

24:21

certain milestones that colleges

24:21

definitely want students to be

24:23

able to hit right and graduate,

24:23

get some good grades. But

24:28

there's so many different paths

24:28

to success, however you define

24:32

it, and so the more students can

24:32

start to reflect on what does

24:35

success actually mean for me,

24:35

what is the successful life look

24:38

like for me, they will stop

24:38

fixating so much on just getting

24:42

into college. They're gonna

24:42

think about, well, what is this

24:44

or that college program going to

24:44

enable me to do in my life?

24:48

Right? How do I want to design

24:48

my life? Because college is

24:51

really just the beginning of it.

24:51

And I think broadening their

24:54

perspective a little bit is

24:54

very, very helpful. So the the

24:58

parallel track that I was talking about is limiting beliefs. Sometimes

25:00

the way we think about things is

25:04

actually the thing that's

25:04

standing in our way of, of

25:06

changing something, or of

25:06

solving the problem. So we want

25:11

to explore their attitudes. And

25:11

procrastination and

25:15

perfectionism are two really

25:15

common and good examples of

25:19

this, thinking that it has to be

25:19

perfect before you can even show

25:24

somebody who's there to help you

25:24

with it is not a helpful

25:27

attitude, right? Let's explore

25:27

that and see where where it

25:30

comes from. And, you know, we're

25:30

not therapists. And we

25:32

definitely have like a clear

25:32

line, there were things crossed

25:35

into that territory where you

25:35

need to go talk to a mental

25:37

health professional about this.

25:37

But we can help them explore

25:40

those those attitudes to a point

25:40

where we can get some productive

25:43

solutions out of it. We do a lot

25:43

of like mindfulness challenges.

25:46

And this is not just, you know,

25:46

I want you to meditate 20

25:49

minutes a day, it might be every

25:49

time you start to feel hot in

25:54

your face, I want you to look

25:54

around the room and Name five

25:59

things you can see three things

25:59

you can smell, and two things

26:02

you can touch. Right, that's

26:02

mindfulness, right there, your

26:06

RE centering on your present

26:06

moment. And that can really help

26:09

stop a student from going into

26:09

one of those spirals, which I'm

26:12

sure you all are aware of. And

26:12

then the other thing that we do

26:15

with limiting beliefs is build

26:15

some good routines and do some

26:18

habit stacking. So maybe every

26:18

morning when they're brushing

26:22

their teeth, if got posted notes

26:22

on their bathroom mirror with

26:25

some, you know, positive mantras

26:25

or things that they need to

26:30

remember, instead of relying on

26:30

themselves and putting so much

26:33

pressure on themselves, like I shouldn't be able to remember all of these things, I shouldn't

26:35

have to write it down, like

26:38

dismantling that belief, and

26:38

showing them that there are

26:42

tools and there are routines

26:42

that you can insert into your

26:44

day, that will accomplish that

26:44

goal. And you don't have to be

26:47

so hard on yourself, right. And

26:47

really what this is doing is

26:50

helping us get out of our own

26:50

way, embrace that growth

26:53

mindset, revise our relationship

26:53

to struggle, which is really

26:56

tied in with a growth mindset,

26:56

like, that's how we learn.

26:59

That's how we practice. And it's

26:59

going to increase their

27:01

confidence and give them things

27:01

that they can rely on, when a

27:04

different challenge comes up,

27:04

they're gonna know, oh, I

27:08

figured this thing out. The next

27:08

time, something hard happens, I

27:11

have faith that I can also

27:11

figure that out, too. I have a

27:14

system for this. So I'm gonna

27:14

give you some examples. Now, you

27:18

know, these are examples of small interventions, right? We're getting into finals and

27:20

APS, the end of the school year,

27:25

and it may feel like oh, it's

27:25

just, it's too late to do any of

27:28

this stuff. Or this might feel

27:28

like a burden to put on my

27:31

student at this moment. But

27:31

actually, there are some small

27:34

things that we could do really

27:34

quickly, that would relieve a

27:37

lot of this burden. So one of

27:37

the stories I love to tell is

27:41

about a better morning routine.

27:41

And I have a free gift for you

27:45

all. That's about revising the

27:45

morning routine for your

27:47

student. There was a student who

27:47

has a very strong student, we

27:51

work with her a couple of years

27:51

ago. And she had great grades,

27:55

and she's generally pretty happy

27:55

about her life. But the biggest

27:57

challenge she found was that she

27:57

could never get to school on

28:00

time. She tried so many things.

28:00

Her mom was just like tearing

28:04

her hair out, like what are we

28:04

gonna do with you? How can you

28:06

not get to school on time. And

28:06

so she worked with one of our

28:10

coaches. And as they explored

28:10

what the chain of events was, in

28:14

the morning, they realized that,

28:14

you know, she had this really

28:18

cozy bed, and she didn't want to

28:18

get out of it, because it was

28:21

cold in her room. And so they

28:21

figured out to do was she had

28:26

like this little mini coffee

28:26

machine that she put in the

28:28

other corner of her room. And it

28:28

was on a timer, and she'd set it

28:31

up at night. And so in the

28:31

morning, it would brew coffee,

28:34

and the smell of the coffee

28:34

would wake her up. And she went

28:37

across the room to get to it.

28:37

And she had a blanket on the

28:42

table right next to her bed so

28:42

that when she got out of bed,

28:44

she could put this other blanket

28:44

on and stay warm as she went

28:47

across the room to get her

28:47

coffee. And this is an exemplary

28:51

story. It's not always this

28:51

easy, but it worked like a

28:55

charm, right? We figured out the

28:55

first domino, her getting out of

28:59

bed in the morning, we solved

28:59

that there. And then everything

29:02

else fell into place, right. And

29:02

she didn't have to rush to

29:06

school. She wasn't so stressed

29:06

in the morning, she got there

29:09

had some time for herself in the

29:09

morning. So she was like really

29:12

relaxed and like ready for her

29:12

day. And that's the kind of

29:16

thing that you can do right now.

29:16

And it might change things for

29:19

your kid tomorrow. And then, you

29:19

know, I've got some other

29:22

examples here too, that may take

29:22

a little bit longer. But there

29:25

are better ways to take notes.

29:25

There are ways you can teach a

29:28

student to study to track their

29:28

tasks that are pretty simple,

29:32

really. And the simpler the

29:32

solution, the better. Right?

29:34

That's the ones that that really

29:34

stick. They're easy to do. It's

29:38

not such a big lift to make a

29:38

change. But we do have bigger

29:42

interventions. I have students

29:42

worked with us for quite a while

29:46

and they ended up building out

29:46

this very elaborate system of

29:51

interconnected tools and

29:51

routines to stay on the ball and

29:53

we build them like kind of a

29:53

dashboard trackers so they can

29:56

track this and they do a

29:56

semester reflection they do

29:59

weekly reflect And a daily reflection. And it's

30:00

really a beautiful thing.

30:03

They're so on the ball, they see

30:03

assignments and tests way ahead

30:08

of time, they know exactly how

30:08

to manage their calendar. And

30:11

they've got great relationships

30:11

in place to help them stay

30:14

accountable. But that does take

30:14

time, you've got to iterate and

30:17

be creative with every single

30:17

solution and turn it into sort

30:21

of an elegant system that a

30:21

student can manage. You don't

30:24

want the management of that

30:24

system to be like a full time

30:27

job, it should just be natural.

30:27

uncovering a sense of purpose

30:31

and personal values does also

30:31

take time. And if things are on

30:35

fire, like they've got an AP

30:35

test in two weeks, this is

30:39

probably not something we're

30:39

going to try to talk about right

30:41

there. They're just not in the

30:41

right mindset to talk about it.

30:43

But over the summer or on a

30:43

school break is a great time to

30:47

think about that. What can we

30:47

learn from what's happening at

30:50

school, how you want to show up

30:50

in the world that would help us

30:53

define the set of personal

30:53

values are really tap into what

30:57

motivates you. And similarly,

30:57

developing an inspiring vision

31:01

for the future beyond college,

31:01

as I was talking about earlier,

31:05

is the thing that takes some

31:05

time. But if they can do it,

31:08

especially if they are a little

31:08

bit earlier in high school, that

31:11

really sets them up for an

31:11

excellent smooth college

31:15

process. Because we know what

31:15

we're going after we understand

31:19

their values, we understand what

31:19

they want to be set up for. And

31:22

of course, those things may

31:22

change as they grow older. I

31:25

mean, they're teenagers, but

31:25

they have a process, they have a

31:28

framework that they can fall

31:28

back on. So that they can always

31:31

kind of update their purpose,

31:31

update their vision, and make

31:36

decisions accordingly, it does

31:36

take a little bit more time, it

31:39

takes a little bit more space.

31:39

So that might be something we

31:42

would start over a summer. And

31:42

probably gotten a sense of this

31:45

already. But like our real

31:45

secret sauce here is and we use

31:49

the pure coaching model of

31:49

motivational interviewing, we

31:52

are never telling a student Hey,

31:52

do this. We are saying, Hmm,

31:57

sounds like if I can reflect

31:57

back to you what you're saying,

31:59

Do you have a problem with x?

31:59

What have you seen other people

32:03

do to solve that kind of

32:03

problem? Or what do you think

32:06

you want to try to do

32:06

differently next time, and then

32:10

you know, through our

32:10

questioning will guide them and

32:13

if they're truly clueless on

32:13

this, we will offer a

32:15

suggestion, we will ask them for

32:15

permission to offer a suggestion

32:19

before we just offer it. And it

32:19

creates this really trusting

32:22

relationship. They know that our

32:22

agenda is their agenda. It's not

32:27

mom or dad's agenda. It's not

32:27

the school's agenda. It's not a

32:29

college agenda. It's what is it

32:29

that you want to focus on, I'm

32:33

going to help you direct all of

32:33

your attention and resources to

32:36

solving that problem. And our

32:36

mentors or coaches are just

32:41

really awesome people, right?

32:41

There are people that you

32:43

probably would all say, Oh,

32:43

these are mentors, they all went

32:46

to great schools, they have a

32:46

lot of volunteering, great

32:49

character, you know, share our

32:49

set of values. And students just

32:53

think they're cool. They're

32:53

impressive people, but they're

32:56

never like, arrogant or

32:56

judgmental, or lording their

33:00

credentials or smarts over

33:00

somebody, they're really there

33:03

to connect with the student and

33:03

meet them where they are. A lot

33:07

of these coaching programs, ask

33:07

students to be someone they're

33:11

not to start the program, the

33:11

food kind of kid with real time

33:16

management issues. I know it

33:16

might take a few extra nudges,

33:21

to get them to a meeting on

33:21

time. So we can't let their

33:25

challenges stand in the way of

33:25

getting the help that they need.

33:28

So we really want to meet them

33:28

where they are. And gradually,

33:31

we will bring them up together.

33:31

But it's that sense that we're

33:36

there to partner with them. That

33:36

really helps students stick

33:39

through it, because sometimes

33:39

this can be really hard, but

33:42

they really do value having a

33:42

partner of their own. Who

33:45

doesn't have an agenda. Okay, so now we get to where can

33:48

you start with your student,

33:52

right? If you're not sure

33:52

they're ready to start working

33:55

with a coach or even know what

33:55

their problems are, you have

33:59

some work to do in understanding

33:59

your role visa vie, there's

34:02

right. And one of the best

34:02

places to start is by having

34:06

some agreements with your child.

34:06

And it's a fancy way of saying

34:10

talk to them, and get on the

34:10

same page. And I know that it

34:13

can be hard with a teenager. But

34:13

if you come at it, you know, in

34:17

a moment where nothing is on

34:17

fire, they're not having a

34:20

meltdown, maybe you're driving

34:20

them somewhere and it's like a

34:23

relaxed time, you're not

34:23

confronting them. You're saying,

34:27

Hey, I know that you've got a

34:27

lot on your plate, and I want to

34:31

be able to help you. But I also

34:31

want to let you spread your

34:34

wings a little bit. So can we

34:34

talk about where you want my

34:38

help? Or how you can ask me for

34:38

help in a moment that you need

34:44

it? Can we just come to some

34:44

agreements, it could be as

34:47

simple as, okay, here are all

34:47

the things that I have to do,

34:50

Mom, I want your help with this,

34:50

this and this. It could also be

34:54

let's set a code word, but I

34:54

really need your help. I'm just

34:58

gonna say this code word So you know, you know your kids,

35:00

figure out how to approach this

35:04

with them, but come to some

35:04

clear agreements about when

35:07

you're going to step in and when

35:07

you're not going to step in

35:09

unless they ask you. And that's

35:09

going to just the fact that

35:13

you're coming to them like this

35:13

will show them that you trust

35:16

them. And that can be amazing

35:16

for the dynamic there.

35:21

And then when they are

35:21

struggling with something or

35:24

something goes wrong, try to

35:24

approach the situation with some

35:27

curiosity, you may know exactly

35:27

how to solve this problem, or

35:32

how you would solve the problem.

35:32

But that may not be the way they

35:36

feel comfortable solving the

35:36

problem, or even aware that

35:39

that's a way that they could

35:39

solve the problem, right? So

35:41

approach it with some curiosity.

35:41

If they're late to school, or

35:45

they forget that they had a

35:45

test, say, Hmm, I wonder what

35:49

happened there? Can you kind of

35:49

talk me through it, and then

35:52

just ask sort of open ended

35:52

questions, do your best to leave

35:55

the judgment at the door, until

35:55

you can help them see what the

35:59

root of this problem was?

35:59

Because that's going to help

36:03

them stay open to you, they're

36:03

not going to feel judged by you,

36:06

they're gonna say, oh, mom's

36:06

curious about this, too. And

36:10

that will help. And then the

36:10

final ones, though, is probably

36:13

most important. One is

36:13

compassion. This is both

36:16

compassion for your child, but

36:16

also compassion for you, you

36:20

know, you're entering a new

36:20

stage, a new role, and you

36:24

probably won't get it right. And

36:24

that's okay, nobody does. So you

36:28

have to have some compassion for

36:28

yourself, right? That you're not

36:30

going to be able to fix this in

36:30

some pre set timeline, or you're

36:35

probably not always going to say

36:35

the right thing, you're going to

36:38

lose your temper, you are going

36:38

to swoop in sometimes, right?

36:42

You are learning a new habit

36:42

too. So you need to practice it.

36:45

And you need to be gentle with

36:45

yourself, and also help your

36:48

child be gentle with themselves,

36:48

right, they've built up a lot of

36:52

pressure and expectations,

36:52

whether or not you have put that

36:55

on them is sort of in the air in

36:55

high school. So help them have

37:00

some compassion for their own

37:00

learning process. Right? Nobody

37:03

is perfect at something the

37:03

first time they try it, we've

37:06

got to practice we've got to

37:06

stick with it. We've got to

37:09

build the skills got to build

37:09

the muscle, right? You can't go

37:12

into a gym and expect to

37:12

benchpress 200 pounds your first

37:15

day, we start small we learned

37:15

form, we do you know light reps,

37:21

until we can graduate to the

37:21

next level and the next level

37:24

the next level, right? That's

37:24

the same thing that's happening

37:26

here. When we're building

37:26

skills, I want to give you this

37:29

wellness guide, where I'm going

37:29

to give you the morning routine

37:33

worksheet, and a how to video

37:33

for your kid really what you can

37:37

use it to on you know, how do

37:37

you look at your morning routine

37:40

and think about what's the best

37:40

order and what's a system that I

37:45

can use for this and you can use

37:45

it for an evening routine as

37:47

well and gives you a sense of

37:47

how to use this reflection

37:50

process on any challenge they

37:50

have. So the link to that guide

37:54

in the morning routine worksheet

37:54

and video and all those

37:57

resources will be in the show

37:57

notes. I really hope that you

38:00

check it out. It should be very

38:00

helpful to you. And if you have

38:03

any questions about how to do

38:03

this, what to say what kind of

38:08

routines and tools and skills

38:08

your kid might benefit from

38:12

where you might benefit from

38:12

feel free to drop me a line. I'm

38:15

always happy to talk about this.

38:15

Thanks. We'll see you next week.