0:00

Hey, Dana's and Becky's, what you're

0:02

about to hear is an encore

0:04

presentation of one of our favorite

0:07

episodes from the Don't Ask Tig

0:09

archives. Please enjoy. My

0:12

friends, not too long ago, I asked

0:14

for your thoughts on how you feel

0:16

about growing older. Whether there's a certain

0:19

age you've reached or headed to that

0:21

excites you or freaks you out. Well,

0:24

we got a lot of great responses and I

0:26

wanted to share a few of them with you.

0:29

Kristen wrote, Tig, like you, I

0:31

have not yet hit the point

0:33

where I am uncomfortable sharing my

0:35

real age. I turned 40 this

0:37

year and I think it is

0:39

an accomplishment to reach this stage

0:41

in life. However, on birthdays in

0:43

the past, I've answered curious acquaintances

0:45

who inquire about my age with

0:47

a number 7 to 9

0:49

years older than I actually was.

0:52

I don't know if they think I

0:54

look great for 39, but I look

0:56

fantastic for 47. Keep

0:59

them guessing and keep having fun. I

1:04

can certainly relate. I'm told often

1:06

that I look younger on TV

1:09

and film or from the stage.

1:11

And then when people meet

1:14

me up close, I've had

1:17

the pleasure to hear over and over that

1:20

I look younger from a distance. I

1:23

think it's all funny. Keep them guessing

1:26

and keep having fun, Kristen. Jimini

1:28

wrote, Hi, Tig, my 64th birthday

1:30

is in May and I can't

1:33

wait to sing the Beatles song

1:35

nonstop. Thanks for all the laughs. Oh,

1:38

my gosh, that is awesome. I don't know

1:40

if I shared this on the show or

1:42

if I did it in a comedy special

1:44

or if I just

1:47

told friends and family. But

1:49

when I was a kid, I was so

1:52

obsessed with the Beatles and I

1:54

used to write out all of

1:56

their lyrics obsessively, wrote out all

1:58

of their lyrics and. I

2:01

remember. I rode

2:03

out the lyrics to when I'm

2:05

sixty Four and My Grandmother. Found

2:09

that sheet of paper

2:11

and she sat down.

2:14

And. She thanked me and told me

2:16

how touch she was about this poem

2:18

or song that had written for her.

2:21

And. I had to

2:23

take credit for Lennon Mccartney tune.

2:25

thanks for reminding me of that

2:28

song. As see like and sing

2:30

up pretty quickly and I look

2:32

forward to the day that I

2:34

can sing and it's well okay.

2:36

I appreciate all of you who

2:38

called and wrote in including Tara,

2:40

Abigail, Rebecca, Diane, Carla, Alex, Sharon,

2:42

Jenny and Cali. Thank you for

2:44

all the birthday wishes and I

2:46

have to say. In

2:49

a funny twist, Stephanie and

2:51

our kids and I we.

2:53

Got stuck in the Vegas airport on

2:55

my birthday. And what

2:57

seemed like hell on Earth

3:00

assesses up being an oddly

3:02

son's birthday or flight was

3:04

cancelled. We got rebooked, Three.

3:07

Times delayed spent almost

3:09

five hours. In. The Airport

3:11

Lounge during March Madness and our

3:13

sons are so chatty and family.

3:16

They made friends with everybody in

3:18

the Airport lounge bar while we

3:20

are watching the basketball games and

3:23

sets a night. We can't believe

3:25

that that was my birthday and

3:27

how fun it ended up being.

3:30

So anyway, just a few weeks

3:32

in and still very comfortable with

3:34

being fifty. Two, I'm happy to be

3:36

where I am, And also and

3:39

April twentieth I will be in

3:41

Red Bank, New Jersey. April twenty

3:43

first The kids see New York

3:45

Las Vegas, Nevada on May second

3:47

and stay at Cel Arkansas on

3:49

June twenty third And keep your

3:51

eyes and ears peeled for the

3:53

day that I will be taping

3:56

my neck stand up special. I

3:58

will be revealing that very. They're

4:00

gonna take no tara.com for also

4:02

links and ticket information. See a

4:04

there and now on with the

4:06

show. So

4:09

yeah, we went to bed after we

4:12

had our little of rounds of Yellen.

4:14

At everybody and then saying goodnight. And

4:16

then we get us in the mornings know

4:18

they weren't even there are other that is

4:20

as if if you want them to that

4:23

was where by. Is

4:25

going on another level? tirade

4:27

about sexuality and fluidity and

4:29

malibu buried from day. One.

4:57

Sees. This

5:02

as soon as take on

5:04

signal sorrow. With so much

5:06

advice I've had Today's dust

5:08

on twice with see now

5:10

is don't Ask tags first

5:12

ever returning just she's an

5:15

actress. Comedian: writer and

5:17

director. You can see

5:19

her and films like in a

5:22

World and Tv says like One

5:24

Mississippi, Twin Peaks and The L

5:26

Word Generation Kill. There is no

5:29

one I love more in this

5:31

world than her and. Are

5:33

two children and our three

5:35

cats. Stephanie Allen my wife

5:37

welcome back to. Don't ask.

5:40

Take thanks for having me

5:42

Stephanie! You are the first

5:44

ever return guest on Done

5:46

us tag your first episode.

5:48

Came out September twenty third twenty

5:50

twenty Wow yeah I don't even

5:53

have a memory as other than

5:55

sitting in your off as a

5:57

yeah same. as a

5:59

lot I know it happened. I

6:02

couldn't tell you one thing that was said on

6:04

that. Nor

6:06

can I. It is funny,

6:08

I have to say, interviewing you. Well,

6:11

that's what I was thinking when I asked

6:13

you to text you before we got on.

6:15

She's been like, what would you ask me?

6:17

That we haven't already discussed in circles for

6:19

10 years. I

6:22

guess, fill in the listeners. What's been

6:24

going on since September 23rd, 2020? Is

6:27

that what you asked to guess? What have you been

6:29

up to the past three years? Well,

6:31

I mean, you're the return guest. You

6:34

have to fill in the blanks from

6:36

three years ago. Well, we just got

6:38

back from Mississippi. That's the most recent.

6:40

Did you have a good time? Did

6:44

you? I had a great time. There's

6:47

always some little bumps along the way

6:49

when you're with family for

6:51

a long time and extended family.

6:54

We got into it a little more

6:56

than usual on this trip with family.

7:00

I had one night of it. You

7:02

had a night of it. I've been there now

7:04

like 20 times since we've been

7:06

together. It's never happened.

7:08

I'm very diplomatic. I'm very, you know,

7:10

situation. I'm not trying to like

7:13

get into it or like get in the fight.

7:18

And then this trip, you

7:21

had a night of it and I

7:23

was completely silent, watching you have

7:25

that night. And then two

7:28

nights later, we took turns.

7:31

It was your turn. I lost it

7:33

on everybody. And you sat

7:35

there silently and then we all said, well, good night.

7:38

You actually stood up, yelled

7:41

at everybody in the room

7:44

and stormed out, went

7:47

upstairs. And I just got

7:49

up from the couch, looked at

7:51

everybody and said, good night. like,

8:02

wow, I knew that I am sorry.

8:04

And I was like, no,

8:06

I said, you know, when you

8:08

have your opposing views on religion

8:10

or political views, and I guess

8:12

that's why people say, don't talk

8:15

about that stuff when you go

8:17

home. And we hadn't for 10

8:19

years. And then this, the world

8:21

has changed so much. I have

8:23

no threshold. It's right there. You

8:25

say one thing and I'm like,

8:27

gah! And also

8:29

I got into bed that night.

8:31

I was so worked up and

8:34

I didn't know what to do with myself. And

8:36

I got on the APLU's

8:39

website and donated money. Well,

8:45

you know, then some good came from

8:47

that. Yeah. I would say it got a

8:49

little more heated on our end. I

8:52

have to say, even if there

8:55

are points in these

8:57

discussions that my family don't

8:59

understand or they don't agree

9:02

on, and we're talking about

9:04

close family to extended

9:06

family, to people that

9:08

my family is dating or

9:10

married to. It was, it ran the gamut

9:13

of who was there when

9:15

we were in town. And yeah, late

9:17

night, maybe people were having some drinks.

9:19

It was a real tee

9:22

up for this kind of

9:24

situation. But regardless

9:27

of what happened, the

9:29

nice part is there

9:32

was no vibe of

9:34

like anybody was on edge the

9:37

next morning or the rest of the

9:39

time. Right. Would you agree? Yeah. When

9:41

we first met 10 years ago, and

9:44

we went would go there all

9:46

the time and Obama was president

9:48

and then gay marriage was legalized

9:50

right before we got married down

9:52

there. And we got married legally

9:55

in Mississippi. Yeah. And then when

9:57

Hillary lost, and the world shifted

9:59

to a completely different place.

10:01

It just, there's a completely

10:03

different vibe, not just

10:05

down there in the country. Yeah. You can

10:07

feel it. And conversations that

10:09

maybe weren't being had and topics that

10:12

weren't even on the table are being

10:14

had. Yeah. And so yeah, that was

10:16

our, that was our trip. But I

10:18

did. I had a great time. Yeah,

10:20

yeah, I did too. So we're

10:23

there for Cowboy Rick's funeral that was

10:25

very delayed and

10:27

we were at the graveyard and my

10:30

brother said, well, I just have a few things

10:32

to say, just, it'll be quick. And so maybe

10:34

I should go first. And I said, okay, I'll

10:36

go after you and I'll talk. And then the

10:38

priest was going to say something. And

10:40

my brother, again, our, our

10:42

family is all sitting there at the

10:45

gravesite and my brother stands

10:47

up in his suit, goes to

10:50

talk, say some words about

10:52

our stepfather who raised us since

10:54

we were two. And

10:56

there's this green AstroTurf

10:58

covering the grave and

11:01

my brother stepped into it

11:04

and he fell into the

11:06

grave. He fell into our

11:08

stepfather's grave. They

11:10

were supposed to put plywood under

11:14

the AstroTurf and they forgot to.

11:16

And so everybody lunges

11:19

forward going, oh,

11:21

Jesus Christ. Oh God.

11:23

Oh God. And there's

11:25

my brother falling into

11:27

a grave. Everybody

11:29

was stunned. He's I'm okay.

11:31

He's pulling himself out of

11:33

Rick's grave and he's got

11:35

dirt all over his suit.

11:38

And then of course there was the

11:40

moments of laughter and biting your lip.

11:42

And then he goes on to speak

11:44

and he's dusting himself. I mean,

11:47

and I was sitting there

11:49

thinking, is this

11:51

really happening as I was watching my

11:54

brother fall into Rick's grave? And

11:56

then I thought this must happen all the time.

11:58

And then I thought,

12:00

of course this doesn't happen all

12:02

the time. And then

12:05

I thought, well, now I have

12:07

new material. Can I tell a

12:09

story about the other problem that

12:11

graveyard has with your family? Yes.

12:17

There's endless graveyard stories. I mean,

12:19

we could go into my father's

12:21

burial. Yeah, yeah. All in Mississippi,

12:23

but go ahead. Four years ago,

12:25

a very close family member

12:28

passed away very sadly. Somebody

12:30

so dears her. Yeah, and she was buried

12:33

in the graveyard in her family's plot.

12:36

And his cousin the other night was

12:38

like, oh, suddenly after we were talking about what

12:40

happened with her brother falling in the grave. And

12:43

he was like, well, we got another problem in

12:45

that. I don't know

12:47

if you heard, but they accidentally buried

12:49

another woman in my plot. And

12:52

he's supposed to be buried with his

12:55

wife. They have a plot side by

12:57

side. The graveyard had another funeral of

12:59

another person who died named Ethel, who

13:01

is now lying in his plot next

13:03

to his wife. And that

13:06

family doesn't want to

13:08

move her. Move Ethel.

13:11

Because she's buried and they had a funeral.

13:15

And so the graveyard offered

13:17

six families a larger plot.

13:20

This counted on the other

13:22

side of the graveyard. And

13:24

so her cousin Jimmy goes, so we took that deal,

13:26

so we're gonna have to move her. So

13:31

she's gonna be moving. They're

13:34

planning on doing this where they

13:36

have to dig up her frame

13:38

and move her across the graveyard.

13:41

That's right. And

13:44

just because I already mentioned it, I

13:46

will quickly say that when my father

13:48

died, he didn't have a lot

13:51

of money, and nor did he really

13:54

want much for himself. When

13:56

he died, we had him cremated.

14:00

That was my treat. And this was

14:04

just that thing of,

14:06

again, welcome to the family, Stephanie,

14:09

my family members and their

14:11

overalls and their tractors

14:13

and what have you. We

14:16

all get together for

14:18

my father's memorial. My cousin, a

14:21

different cousin of mine, grabs a

14:23

shovel. We all

14:25

head over to the graveyard. My father

14:27

does not have a plot. Which we

14:30

didn't know. We got here thinking we

14:32

were going to a funeral. Yeah. We

14:35

treated everybody to discrimination. And

14:37

then all of a sudden we're kind of like meeting

14:39

at the house and everyone's like, let's head over to

14:41

the graveyard and they start grabbing a shovel. My

14:44

cousin, who is in overalls, carrying

14:47

a shovel, we go over and

14:50

a hole is dug on

14:52

another relative's grave site. My

14:57

father's ashes not

14:59

only blew out

15:02

of the bag, which was a

15:04

Ziploc, they were placed in a

15:06

straw hat and

15:08

buried in a hole on

15:11

somebody else's grave. The

15:14

end. None

15:17

of this is made up. None of

15:19

this is exaggerated. And all of this

15:22

would never happen in Stephanie's family.

15:24

Some of the ashes got blown

15:26

on some death. Yes.

15:29

With my family, just to give

15:31

a little juxtaposition.

15:35

My mom had her

15:37

parents ashes and she's

15:39

been probably planning a funeral

15:41

for 30 years and is

15:45

really in the feng shui and she

15:47

keeps the ashes in the helpful people

15:50

section of her house. There

15:54

is no feng shui in

15:57

any of my relatives' homes. in

16:00

Mississippi or Louisiana.

16:03

This morning our son Ben, he

16:05

goes, man, Louisiana and

16:08

Mississippi, it's a wild

16:10

place. He's sick. But

16:18

they loved it. They had so much

16:20

fun. It's just so

16:22

much chaos. It's that

16:25

comforting, fun feeling that we

16:27

talked about where you hear the entire

16:29

house just full of people

16:32

talking, laughing, outside,

16:34

inside, spilling out everywhere.

16:37

They had so much fun. OK,

16:39

Stephanie, so that's what you've been up to.

16:43

That's the past week. I didn't get in the

16:45

last three years. There's been a lot. We have

16:47

full lives, I would say. Now,

16:50

Stephanie, you know what you're here

16:52

to do, and the time has come to

16:54

give some of my listeners advice. Our

16:57

first question is about a familiar

16:59

subject for us, love.

17:03

Emily writes, I am 30 years old

17:06

and have been perpetually single for 10

17:08

years. I go on a lot of

17:10

dates with a lot of different men

17:12

and women, but none of them ever

17:14

felt like my person. There

17:16

is always something about them that bothers

17:18

me too much, from big important stuff

17:20

to small shallow things. It

17:22

might be that they are very

17:25

insecure and can't make decisions, or

17:27

it could be that their posture is

17:29

terrible or teeth are bad. But

17:32

there's always something. Normally, I see someone

17:34

three or four times and then call

17:36

it. As I get older,

17:38

I'm starting to wonder if at this

17:40

point, I'm just being picky. Should

17:42

I maybe try spending more of my time

17:44

with someone in the hopes that a

17:47

little annoying thing stops bothering me?

17:50

I feel like if that many things are bothering

17:52

you out of the gate, it's only going to

17:54

get worse. And

17:57

I feel like when you really

17:59

love someone, and connect

18:01

with someone, those things don't bother

18:03

you. So if they

18:06

do certain things that you

18:08

maybe thought would really

18:10

drive you crazy, you're like, oh, they

18:12

don't sit up straight. Oh,

18:16

how cute. And

18:18

then you can kind of have

18:20

those discussions or work on things,

18:22

but you're not looking at them

18:24

repulsed, like, get me out of

18:26

here. So I feel like

18:28

when you have those really

18:30

early on, that's probably not the

18:33

person for you. No

18:35

doubt. It seems like in the beginning of

18:37

a relationship, you should be so

18:40

blinded by love. And then

18:42

you notice that they don't sit up

18:44

straight a couple of years in. And

18:48

I do also think there

18:50

might be something in you that's

18:53

saying that you're not ready for a relationship

18:56

if everybody you're going out with is

18:58

problematic. Because if it is

19:00

that you're being too critical, then

19:02

I really do think that that's a

19:05

barrier you're putting up subconsciously.

19:08

And so maybe you're not ready

19:10

for a relationship and there's nothing wrong

19:13

with that. Were you gonna say something? Or

19:15

maybe you don't know exactly what you're looking

19:17

for, because prior

19:19

to being with you, I had a lot

19:21

of that with people and I thought, I

19:25

just sort of valued my alone

19:27

time and realized,

19:29

oh, I was actually just needing

19:32

to be with a woman. Yeah,

19:34

this particular one. Emily,

19:37

it might take some time to find your

19:39

person, but when you find them, you will

19:41

know. And

19:45

people would always say that to me and I was

19:47

like, but how do you know you know? Like it

19:49

just, I didn't understand. And then

19:51

when I met Stephanie, I was like, oh,

19:54

this is that thing. You don't have to

19:56

question it. And everything seems easy. Yeah.

20:00

naturally do really huge

20:02

things without getting

20:04

married or having kids or

20:06

traveling without it feeling like,

20:08

okay, I'm doing this. See

20:11

how this goes. Yeah, I

20:13

always use the example of when we

20:15

got together and you told me

20:17

you wanted five children. I

20:19

had never thought of five children. I thought

20:21

I would have one. And

20:24

then when you said five, I

20:26

thought, oh, five, okay,

20:28

that sounds fun with you. And

20:31

of course, when we had twins, they're like, this will

20:33

do. But I do think

20:35

that as we said, it'll feel right.

20:38

It'll feel easy. But that doesn't mean

20:40

it's not going to be challenging and

20:42

difficult along the way and years

20:45

down the road because obviously we've had

20:47

that as well and will

20:50

continue to. But I think that we have

20:52

a much better understanding

20:55

that that just doesn't go

20:57

away. The

20:59

bumps as you roll down the road. So

21:02

best of luck, Emily, Stephanie, let's pause

21:04

for a break and then we'll be

21:06

back to listener questions. I'm

21:24

Tanya Moseley. In 1987, my

21:27

sister Anita vanished without a trace.

21:30

Decades later, thanks to DNA, we found

21:32

her. But that's only the beginning of

21:34

the story. She Has a

21:37

Name is a new audio documentary

21:39

that explores the search for redemption,

21:41

confronting trauma and healing in

21:43

the face of unimaginable loss. Subscribe

21:46

now to Truth Be Told presents She

21:48

Has a Name, where every

21:50

revelation brings us closer to the

21:52

truth. I just feel

21:54

like we are surrounded in this world

21:57

by bullsh**. So how can you

21:59

know what's real about it? And what's not, science

22:01

versus, that's how. We

22:04

answer questions like, does anti-aging

22:06

skincare actually work? And

22:08

what is your true personality type?

22:10

And to answer these questions, we don't

22:12

use opinions. We dive into the scientific

22:15

studies, talk to the experts and put it

22:17

in a podcast that I know you

22:19

are gonna love. This is the

22:21

Science Versus on Spotify. And we're

22:28

back. Stephanie,

22:40

this next question comes to us all

22:42

the way from Tokyo. Jess

22:44

writes, Dear Tig, I have three kids

22:47

under the age of six. It is

22:49

hectic and stressful, but they are wonderful

22:51

super kids. The problem

22:54

is myself. I have become

22:56

a yeller. I never yelled

22:58

or even felt angry before having kids.

23:01

And my own parents also never once

23:03

raised their voices at me and my

23:05

sister growing up. Yet now, I

23:08

am constantly blowing up and yelling.

23:11

I feel the absolute worst shame and guilt about

23:13

yelling at my kids when it's

23:15

not warranted. But no matter

23:17

what I have tried, I am unable to

23:20

stop. What would you suggest to

23:22

change? That's tough.

23:26

That's also fascinating to

23:28

just have it come up in you when you didn't have

23:30

it before and you didn't grow up with it. Yeah,

23:33

I imagine it's tough to find that

23:35

out. Because you hear that when

23:37

you have kids. It's similarly to

23:39

falling in love or getting married, being

23:41

in a relationship. You see new things

23:43

about yourself. You learn about

23:45

yourself. And then your kids

23:48

come along and you learn more things about

23:50

yourself. And sometimes

23:52

they're great things and sometimes they're

23:54

terrible things. We were

23:56

just talking about that somebody commented on

23:58

how you... And

24:00

I don't really yell if she's

24:03

like, how do you not yell at your kids?

24:05

And especially for you, you can just be like,

24:07

okay, we're not doing that right now. I need

24:09

you all to stop And she was

24:11

like, I don't listen to you It's

24:14

just interesting because I feel like with kids

24:16

like if you yell or you don't worry It

24:19

doesn't really make a difference. They kind

24:21

of yeah But

24:24

I interesting that that's coming up in her

24:26

and she can't control it. Uh-huh and

24:29

doesn't want to be doing it and it's

24:31

doing it Because

24:34

it feels like she could actually work

24:37

on it Yeah, I wonder if

24:39

she has a therapist because I wonder

24:41

if there's some layers Underneath

24:43

that she's not been

24:46

connected to before and

24:48

yelling there might also be some fear

24:51

Well, it's also temperament because to

24:53

have that many kids that young

24:55

It's like she's probably never been

24:58

in those situations before where that

25:00

many People young are

25:02

like putting all of their

25:04

energy on her. I think that could

25:07

easily break a person I used

25:09

to feel like that with our kids where we'd go

25:11

to restaurants and there were times when they were like

25:14

two years old Where it would be pretty low to

25:16

control I wasn't screaming but I

25:18

was like I got to get out of here

25:20

and I'm never coming to a restaurant again until

25:22

therefore And then there's

25:24

other people that can kind of just

25:26

sit in the chaos and The

25:29

screaming and they can you know, they can

25:31

ruin everybody else's time at the restaurant They

25:33

can be on an airplane is like well,

25:35

you know, sorry two-year-old screaming Yeah, and then

25:38

I think other people are like, oh my

25:40

god, that's really Driving

25:42

me crazy. Yeah, I wonder if there's a way

25:44

to somehow Alleviate the stress

25:46

that's yeah as well. Like if there's

25:48

I don't know play dates I feel

25:51

like that really can take some pressure

25:53

off of everybody when the kids

25:55

are Getting together with others

25:57

and it's not all focused on

25:59

you Yeah. But I

26:01

think it also goes back to why is

26:04

she yelling? Yeah. It feels

26:06

like there must be a larger feeling

26:08

there that probably can be

26:11

worked on. Well, Jess, we

26:13

appreciate your honesty and your willingness

26:15

to work on it. The

26:17

show is called Don't Ask Tig. We don't

26:20

know what we're talking about, but it feels

26:22

like something where you might have to

26:24

talk to a

26:27

professional about it. Oh, you

26:30

know what? That just reminded me, because

26:32

I relate to this part of it,

26:34

of when you have those feelings where

26:36

you're going to lose it, that it's

26:39

an invitation to go, oh,

26:41

I need alone time. I

26:45

need a second. I need to remove myself.

26:47

I can't keep going here.

26:51

And I think it's really hard for

26:53

people to take that to remove themselves.

26:56

We've talked about this a lot, where you

26:59

feel like you shouldn't have to. You feel

27:01

like you should do everything, get in there,

27:03

figure it out, and just be miserable.

27:06

And then that might cause you to

27:09

be angry, as

27:11

opposed to in that moment when she's

27:13

about to yell, it's like, okay, you

27:15

have to...it's a moment for self-care. And

27:19

that's okay to give yourself

27:21

that gift. For sure.

27:24

And hopefully, Jess has the

27:26

ability. I don't know if

27:28

Jess has a partner or spouse or

27:30

family around, but if you

27:33

do, it is a good idea to take

27:35

that time for yourself. And once you collect

27:38

your feelings and emotions, you can

27:40

pop back into life interacting

27:42

with your kids. Okay.

27:45

Hope that helps, Jess. We're

27:48

going to take a quick break to answer

27:50

a question that came in our

27:52

Therapy Etiquette Inbox. This segment

27:55

is where we answer those awkward questions

27:57

we all have as people getting the

27:59

professional. help we need and deserve

28:01

and is sponsored by BetterHelp. This

28:04

month we wanted to highlight another popular

28:06

question that we've gotten from a few

28:08

of you around encouraging a loved one

28:11

to start therapy. The question

28:13

is, I'm in therapy

28:15

and I really think my partner

28:18

slash parent slash best friend also

28:20

needs to be in therapy for their mental

28:23

health, but I'm afraid to

28:25

talk to them about it because

28:27

they may get defensive. Any

28:29

advice? I'm proud of

28:31

a lot of our listeners forgetting what

28:34

they deserve. A therapist. You

28:36

deserve one. I deserve one. Everybody

28:39

deserves a person dedicated to

28:41

your mental health, but

28:44

we all know that it's an uphill climb

28:46

to get there. A lot of you ask,

28:48

how can I encourage a friend or family

28:50

member to go? It seems

28:53

like a lot of us are concerned

28:55

about approaching a loved one about therapy

28:57

because it could be seen as judgy

28:59

or that we're

29:01

telling people that they have problems that

29:04

need to be solved, but

29:06

I trust that you can think of ways

29:08

of framing your encouragement that are empowering, not

29:11

judgmental, like, hey

29:13

friend, you've been through

29:15

a lot and I think

29:18

you deserve a place dedicated to

29:20

your own healing or

29:23

hey, you're always so attuned

29:25

and articulate with your own

29:28

emotions and I actually

29:30

think you'd be amazing in therapy

29:32

because of that. I wonder if

29:34

your own therapist has some guidance

29:37

for you all here, especially because

29:39

we're talking about relationships between you

29:42

and your loved ones which

29:44

are complex and

29:46

I bet there's something there that you

29:48

could use help processing too. Ultimately,

29:51

the choice to go to therapy

29:53

and trust in the process is

29:56

an individual one. It makes sense to want to see

29:58

a loved one thrive in the process. therapy,

30:01

but they need to buy in

30:03

for it to work. As always,

30:05

thank you to our therapy etiquette

30:07

sponsor BetterHelp. If you have any

30:10

questions about the unspoken rules of

30:12

therapy etiquette, share them with us

30:14

by calling 833-275-8444 or

30:21

visiting don'taskpig.org/contact.

30:24

Now let's get back to the show. Stephanie,

30:29

our home is known as

30:31

Kitty City, which I

30:33

guess makes us co-mayors. This

30:35

next question came to us from

30:38

a fellow cat lover. Libby

30:41

writes, I like cats. How many cats

30:43

can I own before it gets weird?

30:45

I say

30:47

go for it. We

30:49

have three and I want a

30:51

fourth. I had 12 as

30:53

a kid. I think you would just keep

30:55

going. Yeah. Would you ever

30:57

stop? Why stop? Why

31:01

would you stop? Why should Libby stop?

31:03

Yeah. If the kitties are being fed

31:05

and getting attention and...

31:07

I think if you can

31:10

manage the cleanliness, mm-hmm. I

31:12

feel like, you know, you can only have

31:14

somebody's cats on you at a time and

31:16

then one starts to feel left out. No.

31:19

It's worth the struggle. If you're gonna

31:22

have a lot of cats, I think

31:24

it's good to have outdoor cats if

31:26

you're in an area that's safe to

31:28

have cats outside. Because when I was

31:30

in Texas as a kid, that's when

31:32

we had 12 cats. Two of them

31:34

lived inside. But, man, there

31:36

was nothing better than playing in the

31:38

backyard and having all these kitties running

31:40

around. Are you kidding me? And right

31:43

now, when I'm visiting my friend

31:45

here in Texas, every walk

31:47

we take, there's just kitties

31:49

everywhere on rooftops and windows,

31:51

windowsills on the outside of

31:54

the house. And she was

31:56

teasing me because the whole time I'm stopping

31:58

and taking pictures of these cats

32:00

and videos of cats walking

32:02

along fences and on rooftop.

32:05

They're everywhere. It's heavenly. Libby,

32:08

don't be ridiculous. Go for

32:10

it. Keep going.

32:13

Yeah, we're the

32:15

co-mayors of Kitty City. And

32:18

we spend a good amount of

32:20

the week sending each other cat

32:22

videos. Even in the

32:24

same house. Yeah. I don't even have to be

32:26

out of town or on tour or working. We

32:28

could be in the same house and

32:31

sending each other pictures of

32:33

our cats. No, I'm saying that

32:35

even online, like funny or cute

32:37

videos. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

32:39

my gosh. Oh, yeah. Or this thing we do

32:41

where you'll be brushing

32:43

your teeth or something or I'll be brushing

32:45

mine and you're like, come here, it's worth

32:48

it. It's worth it. And we'll both say

32:50

it's worth it and we'll stop what we're

32:52

doing just to go look at whatever cute

32:54

thing is happening. In our

32:57

house. Yeah. Yeah. That's the line. Stephanie, it's

32:59

worth it. And then that is when you

33:01

know the cat is doing something that could

33:03

end at any second. You need to get

33:05

up now and go. It's worth it. And

33:09

it's always the same thing. Just so sprawled

33:12

out. Curled up in a bowl or

33:14

sprawled out. Or

33:18

just look, she's

33:20

in the sun.

33:22

Oh, look, she's batting that

33:24

little thing. All right,

33:27

Stephanie, our last listener

33:30

question is about style. Laura

33:33

writes, Tig, I need a new

33:35

haircut. You obviously can't see my

33:37

hair, but it's so dull. I'll

33:39

describe it to you. Brown, long,

33:41

middle part, same length. I'm a

33:43

girl, by the way. It's

33:46

not that deep, but I need a change in my

33:48

life. Only problem is that I've

33:50

never had a drastic haircut. I didn't

33:52

regret. So should I dye

33:55

it pink? Should I wear a fringe?

33:57

Should I shave it all off? Should I

33:59

care? this much about hair, whatever

34:01

you tell me to do, I'll do

34:04

it. Whoa. Okay, I

34:06

say don't dye it pink. I

34:08

don't know what a fringe is, do you,

34:10

Stephanie? Mm-mm. Oh, bangs. Oh,

34:13

that's a fringe? I guess so. Should

34:16

she get bangs? That seems, you know what,

34:19

that seems like that

34:21

would be the easiest change. Yeah, but that,

34:23

I feel like I need to see what

34:25

she looks like. Okay. And

34:27

people really regret bangs, or

34:30

they get them and they think they've never

34:32

looked better in their life. Uh-huh. Bangs

34:35

can look really cool. Yeah, yeah. Did

34:37

she preface this by saying that she really wanted

34:39

a change in her life or she's just bored

34:41

by her hair? She said, I

34:43

need a change in my life. She actually

34:46

said that. That's what I thought. Yeah. This

34:49

is probably not very

34:51

fun advice, but I

34:53

feel like, you know, you could start with

34:55

layers and then you could do like, see

34:58

how that feels. Then you could

35:00

start with like longer bangs, see

35:02

if you're okay, like go in

35:04

stages. Well, that's what I'm

35:06

saying is there's so many different kinds

35:08

of bangs. If you get the right

35:10

bangs, they could fall nicely. Yeah. But

35:13

if she's like, I want a huge change in

35:15

my life, and she's

35:17

saying, shave her head. What about

35:19

pigtails? She can specify

35:22

good or bad changes. Yeah.

35:24

That's like surprises. I

35:27

always say they're not necessarily always

35:29

good. I wouldn't say shave it

35:31

all off, but you're right. It would help

35:33

to see this person. Yeah, because maybe it

35:35

would look really cool shaved off. Yeah.

35:38

Should I care this much about hair? I say,

35:41

yeah, you should. Even though I

35:43

look like I just rolled out of bed and half the time

35:45

I have, I care so much

35:47

about my hair. Yeah. Stephanie

35:49

cares so much about her hair. It's

35:51

so important to me. But

35:54

I do feel like if you've never

35:56

had bangs, it's a place to start.

35:58

Yeah. color. What color?

36:00

Blond. What is she? Like when it's

36:03

blonde. All right. Yeah, if you had

36:05

dark hair and you died

36:07

of blondes and you got bangs, you

36:09

would feel a massive change in your life. And

36:12

pigtails. And they put them in pigtails. Is

36:15

it piggytails? Do they call them that

36:17

too? Piggytails? I've never heard

36:19

that. I have piggytails. That's

36:22

a better way to say it.

36:24

Piggytail. It's all bad. Pigtails or

36:26

piggytails? Yeah. Why did they say

36:29

pig? They don't have two things

36:31

anywhere. That's

36:36

true. They don't have two

36:38

things anywhere. They have ears.

36:40

Yeah. They have clothing hooves.

36:43

Is a pigtail referring to a pig's tail and

36:45

then you just have two of them? Yeah,

36:48

I guess so. Well,

36:51

and I bet that it came from

36:53

also curling them. You know, you probably

36:55

curled them with a curling

36:57

iron or something. That is

37:00

so weird and gross that somebody was

37:02

doing somebody's hair and it's like, look

37:04

at that pigtail. Would you like a pigtail?

37:06

And then you curl it. And

37:10

they're like, that's so cute. Yeah.

37:12

dye your hair blonde, get bangs,

37:14

and have one pigtail. And

37:18

why can't the back of your

37:20

head be one piggytail? That's a

37:22

ponytail. I

37:24

know. The pony got that one. Yeah.

37:27

Named after her tail. Clearly

37:29

this all came from the

37:32

farm during like

37:34

pioneer times. No other reference

37:36

point. All right, Laura, this

37:38

isn't quite a name that

37:40

thing, but our advice to

37:42

you is legally

37:44

binding. Please send in a photo of

37:47

yourself with your new haircut. Stephanie, our

37:49

last segment is called Come Back to

37:51

Me Later. Everyone

38:00

wishes they had the perfect response

38:02

at the ready for certain social

38:04

interactions. Come Back to Me Later is

38:07

the part of the show where we make that

38:09

wish come true. This request

38:11

comes to us from Sid. Sid

38:14

writes, Hey Tig, my wife

38:16

and I recently had a baby and

38:18

she's wonderful. I carried her in feminine

38:21

presenting and often when we're out in

38:23

the world, people just assume that my

38:25

partner is a man. They

38:28

refer to my husband when they ask

38:30

questions. I'm looking for something funny or

38:32

good to say to them when I

38:34

let them know our baby second parent

38:37

is my wife, not my husband. I

38:39

would love your thoughts and Stephanie's too.

38:42

What have you two said or done in this

38:45

situation? I mean, I just

38:47

have my go to of I just say, oh,

38:49

I'm female. That's what I

38:51

was going to say is you always

38:53

very directly say I'm

38:55

female. And there's

38:57

no other follow up and

38:59

then it lingers and then

39:01

the person apologizes. Yeah,

39:04

but then there have been times which I

39:06

talked about in my stand up the happy

39:09

to be here special. I talk about how

39:12

when somebody misgenders me, I

39:14

misgender them in response. Oh, yeah,

39:16

yeah. Where they'll say, sir, could

39:19

I get your coat? And if

39:21

it's a woman, I'll say, no,

39:23

sir. No, thank

39:25

you, sir. So those are my two

39:27

things. Do you have any ideas,

39:30

Stephanie? Yeah, I mean, I'm so used

39:32

to you. Every time it happens,

39:34

I know for sure you're going to say that.

39:37

And so I'm trying to think of what

39:40

is another way to do it. And

39:43

you know, it's nice. It's those moments are

39:45

so tricky because nobody's trying

39:47

to offend anybody. It's just that

39:49

sort of like when they're in the

39:51

world of assumptions and just firing off.

39:55

I don't know what she could say or

39:57

like what would you want me to say

39:59

if you. you weren't to say anything. I

40:02

guess I don't want you to say

40:04

anything. I guess I don't need you

40:06

to, but I think it's nice

40:09

that Sid is looking out for

40:11

her wife. Yeah, if it's a

40:13

joke or not, I do think

40:15

it's important to correct the person.

40:18

And because I think people really walk away from

40:20

that moment going, oh God, I'm not gonna do

40:22

that again. You also used

40:24

to say, hersbend. Yeah,

40:26

hersbend. Oh, that's my hersbend. Yeah,

40:29

I guess you could say that. That's not my

40:31

husband, that's my hersbend. Sid,

40:34

that's what we think. And a warm

40:36

welcome to the newest member of your

40:38

family. Stephanie, that's the end of

40:40

the show. Thanks for joining me. Did you have

40:43

a good time? I had a great time. Did

40:45

you? Yeah, I did. Oh, good.

40:48

Did you? I did. Is

40:50

there anything that you would like to mention or

40:53

talk about before you go? Well,

40:55

if you're in Los Angeles, I do

40:57

a show at that Bright Citizens Brigade

40:59

Theater called Pretty Darn Queer once

41:01

a month. And... What

41:04

about your show with May? Yeah, I

41:06

often perform in May Martin and Friends

41:08

at Largo in May's show,

41:11

pretty much around Los Angeles. Great.

41:14

Well, we should get together and have dinner sometime.

41:17

Thank you again for taking time

41:19

to do the show and be

41:21

my first repeat guest

41:24

on Don't Ask Tig. Happy to be

41:26

here again. Still.

41:29

Still. All right, well, I guess

41:31

we'll log off here and then

41:34

continue texting and calling each other

41:36

all day. Okay. Right?

41:39

Well, I love you. Yeah, I

41:41

love you. And I'll talk to

41:43

you soon. Bye-bye. Okay, goodbye. And

41:47

now that the show is

41:49

over, go to don'tasktig.org/live to

41:51

sign up for our special

41:53

virtual event with Mark Maron

41:55

on April 24th at 6

41:57

p.m. Pacific time, 9... Eastern

42:00

and 8 p.m. Central. For

42:02

more information head to don'tasktig.org

42:05

slash live and donate $15

42:07

or more to attend. Again,

42:09

Don't Ask Tig Live with

42:12

Mark Maron is happening April

42:14

24th at 6 p.m. Pacific

42:16

time. Head to

42:18

don'tasktig.org slash live.

42:20

Looking forward to seeing you all

42:22

there. Don't

43:13

Ask Tig is hosted by

43:15

me Tig Notaro. It's produced

43:17

by Thomas Willett and Shaina

43:19

Deloria. Our executive producer and

43:21

editor is Beth Perlman. Engineering

43:24

and sound mixing by Alex

43:26

Simpson. Digital production by James

43:28

Napoli. Talent booking by Maryann

43:31

Weis. Production support from

43:33

Maria Wurzell. Our theme music

43:35

is Friends in Tig

43:37

by Edie Brickell and Kyle Cashion.

43:39

And Listen to Your Hurt by

43:42

Edie Brickell. Special thanks to Hunter

43:44

Seidman. APM Studios executives

43:46

in charge are Chandra

43:48

Cavati, Alex Shaffert, and

43:50

Joanne Griffith. Concept developed

43:52

by Tracy Mumford. Our

43:54

executive consultant is Dean

43:56

Capello and Gobsmack Studios.

44:00

Always ask for advice at don'taskpig.org. Just

44:03

write in with your problem or send us a

44:05

voice memo. Remember to follow

44:07

us on social media at Don't Ask Pig. Don't

44:10

Ask Pig is a production of

44:12

American public media. And as always,

44:15

thanks Dana and I'll tell Becky. I'm

44:31

Tanya Moseley.

44:59

In 1987, my sister Anita vanished

45:01

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