0:00

The following episode contains references to

0:02

suicide. If you or someone

0:04

you know is in need of help, please contact

0:07

the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing

0:09

nine eight eight. Listener discretion

0:11

is advised.

0:18

I slept through an early morning text for my mom,

0:21

and when I wake up and check my phone, I

0:23

find her message. Your grandmother

0:25

passed away this morning around three am.

0:29

I call my mom immediately. My

0:31

grandma, who's ninety four, hasn't

0:33

been in good health for a while now. We

0:35

were close, but as her health

0:37

declined, our monthly phone calls tapered

0:40

off, and whenever I'd visit, we'd often

0:42

just sit together in silence. But

0:44

this news still comes as a shock to me. The

0:47

funeral is set forward two and a half weeks from

0:49

now. As I think about the

0:51

trip home, my stomach tightens into

0:53

a knot. Everyone in my family

0:55

will be at the funeral, including my cousin

0:58

Vivian. Years ago,

1:00

when she walked out of that car after coming out

1:02

to me, we stopped talking. I

1:05

have no idea where she's at today. I don't

1:07

even know what city she lives in, and

1:09

there's a version of the funeral where I could

1:11

show up and greet her politely and then

1:13

never talk to her again, continuing the

1:15

streak. But I think about Alana

1:18

and there's absolutely no way that I can

1:20

let that happen. A friend

1:22

suggests I write to Vivian before

1:24

the funeral. She could read my message

1:27

or ignore it, but it would still give

1:29

her an opportunity to know what's on my heart.

1:32

So over the course of a few days, I draft

1:34

this email. Dear

1:47

Vivian, I know it's been a while

1:49

since we've spoken. You may

1:52

not have any interest to hear from me, which

1:54

I totally understand, but I

1:56

hope you'll give me a chance, as it contains

1:58

a lot of things that I've been afraid

2:00

to tell you and which I think you deserve to

2:02

hear first.

2:05

I'm gay. It's

2:07

taken me the last twenty years to come to terms

2:09

with this, the first fifteen of which

2:11

were spent running away by seeking

2:13

desperately to get rid of it. Everything

2:16

I told you that time in the car about finding

2:18

counseling for your sexuality, I

2:20

pursued myself. I thought

2:22

that by working hard enough God

2:24

would take this away. It didn't

2:27

happen, and I'm still working through the shame

2:29

and self hatred these efforts perpetuated.

2:32

I'm sad that at a young age we

2:34

both had to suffer in isolation.

2:38

Second, I'm sorry.

2:41

I'm sorry for not having the courage to be

2:43

honest about my own struggle. I'm

2:45

sorry for the ways my words alienated

2:48

you and made you feel so alone and misunderstood.

2:51

I'm sorry for trying to change you. I'm

2:54

sorry for my pride that kept me from

2:56

saying any of these things earlier. And

2:59

I understand if they're all too little, too

3:02

late. You know, I've

3:04

often thought about how much courage it took for

3:06

you to come out at the age and time you did.

3:09

I certainly didn't have this courage, and

3:11

at one point I thought you were making a big

3:13

mistake or moral concession. It's

3:16

been humbling to recognize how wrong I

3:18

was, and so I

3:21

ask for your forgiveness. We

3:23

may never be as close as when we were kids,

3:25

but I hope at some point we could

3:27

restart things. I'm always curious

3:29

what you're up to. Hope this doesn't

3:32

make everything more awkward next week,

3:34

looking forward to seeing you from

3:42

Tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent

3:44

Fung, and this is Dear

3:47

Alana. Part

3:49

eight. The Saint.

3:56

It's been over two years since Alana's death,

3:58

and on a Sunday afternoon, a group of around

4:00

thirty people holding red roses is

4:03

gathered in front of Saint Thom's Alana's

4:05

church. Joyce stands at the front

4:07

of the group, next to a smiling portrait of

4:09

Alana. They're here today to

4:11

conduct a peaceful vigil, a demonstration

4:14

of sorts in memory of Alana.

4:16

This was Joyce's idea.

4:19

Yeah, singing, singing

4:23

for us.

4:28

The crowd is a mix of Joyce's friends and family,

4:31

supporters from out Boulder County, the LGBTQ

4:34

organization that helped organize the event, and

4:36

other locals who've joined the vigil. It's

4:40

the first time that Joyce has done anything this public,

4:42

and although the turnout is small, it's enough

4:44

to bring out the local news who asked Joyce

4:47

to talk about why she's here.

4:49

I just wanted to let

4:52

them know we know, and you

4:55

know that if other people come up to

4:57

us, it's students. It's usually young

4:59

people, ca students. I want them to know

5:01

that this is wrong. You

5:04

can love God and be any religion.

5:07

If you're LGBTQ or anybody,

5:09

that this is a bad teaching

5:11

force someone to die by suicide.

5:14

Joyce is hopeful that she'll be able to speak

5:17

to students as they show up for the six pm

5:19

Mass, but the vigil is largely

5:21

ignored, except for a middle aged

5:23

member of Saint Tom's who watches from the

5:25

door with his arms crossed. Students

5:28

brush by Joyce without saying a word, and

5:30

only one person stops to talk, sharing

5:32

the recent loss of her own brother to suicide.

5:35

As the vigil concludes with a few more songs

5:38

and the loss of Joyce's friends have gone home,

5:40

the man who's been watching from the top of the stairs

5:43

picks up the roses left from the vigil

5:45

and throws them in the garbage. I

5:52

knew at some point I'd be right here,

5:54

standing inside Saint Tom's with the goal

5:56

of talking to Father Peter. The

5:59

sunlight filtered through the small windows along

6:01

the side aisles, making the church

6:03

extra cozy. I take

6:05

a seat at the back as the pews fill up

6:07

with students. They're all nodding

6:09

along to Father Peter, who's reflecting

6:12

on the Gospel reading where Jesus brings

6:14

over a child and tells his apostles

6:16

that whoever wishes to be greatest,

6:18

must be the least, the first, must be

6:20

the last. I'm kind of mesmerized

6:23

listening to him. He's goofy

6:25

and self deprecating and personal. He

6:27

talks about how we need wisdom to encounter

6:30

each other truthfully. He builds

6:32

to a passionate crescendo, saying, I

6:34

want someone to encounter me like Jesus

6:36

does. Not their idea of me, not

6:39

their anger about me. I want someone

6:41

to encounter me. And I find

6:43

myself nodding along, but

6:46

I feel mixed up inside. This

6:48

hipster priest who seems to be doing

6:51

such great work for the church in the community,

6:53

who's doing exactly what I've always wished

6:56

I was doing with my life. This

6:58

is the same guy whose church, according to

7:00

the Denver Post, hosted Alana's Catholic

7:02

therapist, the therapist who Alana

7:05

said made things worse. It

7:07

was Father Peter who insisted that Alana

7:09

applied to the Living Waters program that

7:12

claims to heal the sexually and relationally

7:14

broken, the one she couldn't afford. It

7:16

was under Father Peter's watch that those

7:18

books filled with conversion therapy theories

7:21

were stocked in the Saint Thom's library and

7:24

yet I know that at some level

7:26

he's simply doing his job, and

7:29

I'm beginning to see how messed up that actually

7:32

is. I

7:34

reached out to former staff and students at Saint

7:36

Thom's. Of the ones who agreed to

7:38

talk, they said that after Alana

7:41

died, there was a deafening silence. They

7:43

don't recall anything officially organized by

7:46

Saint Thom's to acknowledge Alana's passing,

7:48

but the parish did make a public statement.

7:51

Now, he did reach out to the Saint Thomas Aquinas

7:54

Church in Boulder, the church chen attendant.

7:56

They released the following statement, reading, in part,

7:58

she will be greatly missed. Striving

8:00

to be a community who welcomes anyone and

8:02

everyone, as Jesus did, we

8:04

reject any practices that are manipulative

8:07

and forced. We believe that every

8:09

person is a beloved child of God and

8:11

should be treated with dignity, mercy,

8:13

and reverence.

8:19

As I listened to this statement from Saint Thom's,

8:21

I'm feeling frustrated. It

8:23

strikes me as an empty thoughts and prayers

8:26

kind of statement, and its denial of

8:28

practices that are manipulative and coerced

8:31

seems like a semantic cover. The

8:34

controversy over the role of the church in Alana's

8:36

death spreads locally, and the Archdiocese

8:39

of Denver spokesperson doubles down

8:41

with a stronger statement. In an interview

8:43

with the Denver Post, he says, quote, never

8:46

once was conversion therapy practiced.

8:49

It was never discussed with her or suggested

8:51

to her. It's not something we do.

8:54

In a statement from the archdiocese, they say

8:56

if someone wants to better understand the church's

8:59

teaching on marriage and sexual relations,

9:01

that they lovingly try to share with

9:03

them what Catholics believe is God's

9:05

design for sexuality. They say, quote,

9:08

it is not conversion therapy to teach

9:10

about the beauty of a life of chastity.

9:13

Now, normally I would rush to defend the church

9:15

from unfair media attacks. I

9:17

once wrote a letter to the editor defending the church's

9:20

moral authority in the face of relativism.

9:22

But I just don't know what to make of these official

9:24

statements. They feel heartbreakingly

9:27

dishonest. Never once

9:30

was conversion therapy practiced. From

9:32

the pages and pages of Alana's own words

9:35

to the therapists and church ministries, Alana

9:37

sought out over the years that taught

9:40

her to view her sexuality as a pathology

9:42

that needed to be repaired. I

9:44

don't know how this denial makes any sense.

9:47

Alana, like me, sought

9:49

out these therapies and ministries precisely

9:52

to follow the church. We

9:54

took the advice of our spiritual mentors,

9:56

pursuing all of the resources they directed

9:59

us to. How can they say that none

10:01

of this ever happened. After

10:06

Mass, I wait in the pews, and

10:08

as the church clears out, I knock on the

10:10

door of the priest change room. Father

10:12

Peter answers, surprised, and

10:15

I introduce myself. He's

10:17

cordial, but Kurt, he

10:19

makes it clear that he's not willing to talk

10:21

about Alana. She was

10:23

a beloved member of this community, he says,

10:26

adding my previous public statement

10:28

is so deeply true, I cannot

10:30

add any more. Father

10:34

Peter and I have mutual friends, and I

10:36

learned from them that after Alana's death,

10:38

the church building was vandalized. So

10:41

I understand his weariness, but

10:43

I'm still disappointed. Joyce

10:46

tells me that to this day, Father

10:49

Peter has not reached out to her family.

10:52

I ask her about the other priest, Alana's

10:54

spiritual director. Father Dave.

10:56

Oh, he has a blog that's

10:58

really sick. He has a picture

11:01

of Alana in Rwanda because she did a trip

11:03

with him in this group, and

11:06

he says her new age mother is

11:09

the one that wouldn't let her go to church, and

11:11

that's why this happened.

11:13

I look up the blog posts she's referring

11:15

to. They were written after Alana's

11:17

passing. Father. Dave is

11:20

pretty defensive, posting the letter that

11:22

Alana wrote advocating for him while

11:24

he was being moved around. He alleges

11:26

that quote Alana's friends would

11:28

all say today that the closer she was

11:31

to the Catholic Church, the better was

11:33

her mental health end quote. But

11:35

according to Joy, Alana's oldest friend,

11:38

this is patently false and it contradicts

11:40

Alana's own statement to the Denver

11:42

Post. I think the.

11:44

Church's council is what led me to be hospitalized.

11:48

I was feeling so much shame that

11:50

I was comforted by the thought of

11:53

hurting myself.

11:55

He continues, quote Alana

11:58

was never abandoned by her Catholic clergy

12:00

and religious sisters, but rather she

12:02

was abruptly cut off from the lifeline

12:05

she chose for herself and loved the Catholic

12:07

Church by the interventions

12:09

of her own mother. Wow,

12:13

he's shifting the blame omitting key

12:15

details about Alana's life. But

12:18

we know the truth from Milana's own

12:20

words.

12:21

When I went to treatment, Rachel,

12:24

father Peter, Father Dave, and the sisters

12:26

were the only ones that I trusted. They

12:29

were the only ones that stayed by my side.

12:32

But as I.

12:32

Became more true to myself, I

12:35

guess they didn't see the need to mentor me. I

12:38

feel misled and abandoned.

12:42

We know that it was Alana's own choice

12:44

to step away from the church in order to protect

12:46

her mental health. We even have that publicly

12:49

on the record. Father Dave's

12:51

opinion seems woefully uninformed

12:53

by Alana's own words, but

12:56

shouldn't he know better. In

12:58

their last text exchange two

13:00

years before her death, when he warned

13:02

her about speaking against the church, Alana

13:05

told.

13:05

Him, I don't speak

13:07

against the church because I have pride.

13:10

I speak against the church because I have real

13:13

and deep pain. I'm

13:15

distancing myself from the church right now because

13:17

I don't feel safe, or loved or

13:19

accepted.

13:21

Father Dave may not have realized that

13:23

one day their texts would be uncovered

13:26

and directly contradict his public statements.

13:29

Looking at his blog now, it strikes

13:31

me what great lengths he's going to to define

13:33

the narrative around Alana's death. Unlike

13:36

Father Peter, who stayed out of the public

13:38

eye, Father Dave has gone out

13:40

of his way to try to make himself look

13:42

better by again pitting Alana

13:44

against her own mother. I

13:47

reached out to Father Dave for comment, but

13:49

he didn't respond. I

13:54

can see now why all of this has been so

13:57

maddening for Joyce. The furtive

13:59

denials from Saint Thom's, the brazen

14:01

blaming by Father Dave, all

14:04

of this on top of the unspeakable

14:06

grief of losing her daughter. It

14:09

all feels so unjust, and

14:11

I wish I could help Joyce find some sort of

14:13

closure. But how do you hold

14:16

a person, or, better yet, an institution

14:19

accountable in the situation, an

14:21

institution that so many of us, like

14:23

Joyce did, have willingly entrusted

14:25

our families to. What do

14:27

you say to religious leaders who operate

14:29

in this self regulated space, whose

14:32

words and actions behind closed doors

14:34

in private texts often fall

14:36

in this gray area between spirituality

14:39

and mental health. Who is

14:41

responsible when something goes

14:43

wrong. It's almost as if by

14:45

design no one is the

14:48

church can stay in its own protected spiritual

14:51

lane and claim that it leaves the mental

14:53

health to the therapists. But

14:55

what if the line between religious practice

14:58

and mental health is a lot more worry

15:00

than that? Theology can have

15:02

real consequences on how we see

15:04

ourselves? Are we ready

15:06

for that conversation? I

15:11

get in the car and start driving, my

15:14

head spinning processing all of this, I

15:17

see the rushing water of the Boulder Creek and

15:20

decide to pull over. Alana

15:24

would often hammock here with me and their friends,

15:26

and I feel comforted knowing she was

15:29

here. I

15:32

begin to think about the years after I stopped

15:34

trying to change my sexual orientation. Day

15:38

after day I lived in a kind of quiet

15:41

shame. No one inside

15:43

or outside the church understood what it was

15:45

like to fail the spectacularly,

15:48

so I wanted to become invisible.

15:51

My vocation was shot. I'd let

15:53

everyone down, God, the

15:55

Church, myself, And

15:57

the reason was that I thought I

16:00

was simply too broken to be healed,

16:02

too disordered, a lost cause.

16:06

But what drove me closest to despair, the

16:08

kind that Alana often writes about, was

16:11

not the failure, or even the sense of

16:13

brokenness. I could find a

16:15

way to live with that. What I couldn't

16:17

live with was the thought that God,

16:20

my father, my only friend,

16:23

had somehow forgotten me, that

16:26

I had been abandoned by him, cast

16:29

aside, without a place in his kingdom.

16:32

I was back in the schoolyard, all

16:34

alone, back in the swimming pool,

16:37

left to drown. Today,

16:40

however, fresh from hearing about the church's

16:42

public handling of Allana's death, it's

16:45

not despair that I feel. It's

16:48

anger. There's

16:50

just no excuse for the way they've treated Joyce

16:52

and her family. The pious dismissals,

16:55

the sanctimonious pr the public blaming,

16:58

the abandonment cuts so

17:00

deep I

17:03

strip down and wade into the creek.

17:07

I feel my chest tighten and my pulse

17:09

race, and I look up at the cloudless

17:11

sky. I

17:14

just want to say, fuck you, Fuck

17:17

you for all of this, for all

17:19

the trust I placed in you and your church,

17:21

that same church that now denies doing

17:24

the very things it told us would save us,

17:26

would heal us. I'm done defending

17:28

you. I'm done with your platitudes

17:31

like how good things come to those who are patient,

17:33

or how suffering purifies the soul

17:35

for your love. If inflicting suffering

17:38

is how you make your people love you, that's

17:40

a fucked up way of loving someone. I

17:45

plunge into the creek, letting the cold,

17:47

rushing water return me to my body,

17:50

push me along the rocks, and engulf

17:52

me before I come up

17:54

for air. As

18:10

I travel back home, I'm anxious about

18:12

seeing my cousin Vivian at the funeral. I

18:15

don't know how it'll go, and I start

18:17

to regret ever sending her that email. The

18:20

way things were before the status quo

18:23

suddenly feels safer. At

18:25

my parents' house this afternoon, I'm

18:28

lingering with my dad at the kitchen table.

18:30

We're talking about all sorts of things, my

18:33

time in Colorado, the egregious San

18:35

Francisco rent and when the conversation

18:37

takes on a more reflective tone about

18:39

our family, I ask him if I can turn

18:41

on the mic. My dad,

18:44

who's a shy and private person, agrees.

18:47

He's in the middle of telling me about his own dad.

18:50

I remember he worked really

18:52

hard, my dad, because he worked

18:54

for those departments store.

18:57

And when we eat this, you

19:00

know he's not always to

19:02

you, not to be with us with dating diners.

19:06

My dad grew up in a time when his dad taught

19:08

him how to ride a bike by dropping him

19:10

off at the park to figure it out himself. So

19:12

when it came time for my dad to teach me, he

19:15

put in a little more effort, but not as

19:17

much as he would have liked. Ever

19:19

since our time in therapy together, the

19:21

topic of bonding has often come up

19:24

between us. I ask him

19:26

what he remembers from those years I was

19:28

in conversion therapy.

19:30

When you told me there's one thing why

19:34

I am being gay. One

19:36

of the reasons that you found was

19:39

because the parent of

19:41

father, especially father's you know, I'm short

19:43

temper, I'm angry

19:46

and things like that. You miss the

19:48

father's figure and so as

19:50

a result to become gay.

19:53

How did that make you feel?

19:59

It make me feel a little bit. I

20:03

feel hurt, No, not really hurt,

20:05

but unhappy

20:08

right, and I'm not happy about that. But

20:11

I want to amend That's the thing.

20:14

If that is something I did wrong,

20:18

I want to amend that relationship.

20:21

Yeah, I was looking for

20:23

a solution.

20:24

What what did you think would be a

20:26

solution.

20:28

I think at that time, mainly the

20:31

main solution would be I

20:33

want to create a

20:36

father figure to you. I

20:39

remember saying Mary. In my Greate

20:41

church, there's a statueh

20:44

Joseph and holding Jesus.

20:49

I remember pray quite

20:51

a number of times for that.

20:53

And I mean I thought that too, right, I mean I think

20:56

I was giving you a lot of this information.

20:59

Right right, mm hmm. You

21:01

work very hard trying

21:04

to change, trying

21:06

to overcome. That's

21:09

the kind of thing that I really I

21:12

can sense you know how

21:14

hard you work on this,

21:17

and I feel kind of helpless.

21:21

You know what we can do at

21:23

this end, you know, kind

21:26

of helpless.

21:27

Did you think that I would eventually

21:30

achieve the outcome.

21:32

Of no longer no

21:34

longer being gay? No,

21:39

I wouldn't say eventually

21:43

you achieve your goal, because

21:46

I really think that there is something

21:49

you're born with it.

21:51

M hmm.

21:52

Yeah, we

21:55

thought that. I thought that. I thought

21:57

that. Yeah, I thought that.

21:59

Yeah, because we never talked about

22:01

this, I don't know.

22:02

No, we didn't learn him talk about about this,

22:04

that's right.

22:05

But like there was a point when

22:08

you were thinking, oh, maybe this is

22:10

not gonna work, but I

22:12

still felt like I still want to

22:15

try.

22:16

Me But you never told me that you thought that,

22:19

right, why not. I

22:23

didn't want to destroy your whole. Eventually,

22:27

I think me and Mom I

22:29

feel that we already accept

22:32

yeah, this is this

22:35

is it, this is you.

22:39

You know that is and

22:42

especially to me, I

22:46

I start to to learn

22:48

more, explore more, and

22:51

read more, especially

22:53

that really recently, you know pub

22:56

Benedict when it was cardinal,

22:58

he said that being gay

23:00

is intrinsically diseased

23:03

or something disorder.

23:06

Yeah, that's right, right, and

23:09

that tripped me is kind

23:12

of oh no, you

23:14

know so in such a way that

23:17

totally wrong. How

23:20

could you know somebody say something

23:24

and still being to

23:27

me just damning the you know, gay

23:29

people, so that I totally

23:32

not not agree with. I

23:35

was still in a in a

23:38

mode of my previous

23:41

how I understand religion?

23:44

M oh oh, I need just to pray,

23:47

pray and pray. Oh,

23:50

one day some would

23:52

change. But as

23:54

time moves on, I learned more that

23:57

I have different concepts

24:00

religion and how we

24:02

live our religious life.

24:05

Pray, yeah, pray. It's not

24:07

just words. You're not by words. No,

24:10

I had to do something else, you know, that's

24:13

just praying.

24:14

No, all

24:17

those years I was in conversion therapy, my

24:19

dad wasn't just praying he

24:22

was busy doing something else changing.

24:29

I would like to leave my everybody

24:32

have forward to say in five of the b and

24:35

waiting for us to cross the casket,

24:37

and then.

24:38

We will move out a cascade to the culture.

24:41

I met my grandmother's funeral early with

24:43

my parents, and I stare down at

24:45

my grandma's eyelashes. Her

24:48

glasses are smudged, so I wipe them clean

24:50

with the crumpled tissue in my pocket. Suddenly

24:55

everyone starts to arrive, my sister,

24:57

my brother in law, my nephews, and

25:00

then my cousin, Vivian. She

25:02

greets my parents and then walks over

25:05

to me, looks me directly in the eye,

25:07

and gives me a big hug. Let's

25:10

talk later. She says, the

25:13

service is brief, and our families take turns

25:15

bowing to my grandmother a final gesture

25:18

of respect. After the

25:20

burial, at the reception luncheon, Vivian

25:23

and I are seated next to each other. She'd

25:25

read my letter and she wants me to know

25:28

that she accepts my apology,

25:30

that this was all she ever wanted. We

25:33

catch up about what we've each been up to over

25:35

the past decade, mostly ignoring everyone

25:37

else at the table. As the meal

25:39

ends, she wants to continue the conversation,

25:42

and days later, Vivian invites me to her

25:44

house, where I'm sitting at her kitchen table

25:47

in total disbelief that we're having this heart

25:49

to heart. Tell me

25:51

about because you'd mentioned before we start recording, like

25:53

you had read my letter and how that made you feel?

25:56

Like, what was it like reading it?

25:59

No, not expecting anything.

26:03

My sister had actually asked me, She's like, how are you gonna

26:05

act at the funeral?

26:08

Like are you gonna?

26:09

And I was like, I'm a normal adult human.

26:11

I will be courteous. It's not about me,

26:14

like, it'll be perfectly fine.

26:18

So when I got your your email, it

26:20

was a Sunday evening and

26:23

I was reading it, and I thought

26:25

to myself, this must

26:28

have taken him so long to write.

26:31

To be able to own up and say like

26:34

I was wrong is already a very difficult

26:36

thing. When it's inane. You

26:38

think about like arguments with siblings,

26:41

like the stupidest, tiniest little things,

26:43

and being able to say like I

26:45

was wrong, I am wrong.

26:47

These are tremendously infrequently

26:51

sequenced words. So I

26:53

think, for me, I

26:55

know, and I understood right away

26:58

how much it would have taken to get to the point,

27:00

and as I made my way through it,

27:03

it just made me so sad.

27:05

Like I was very saddened at some

27:08

of the things that you shared around your journey

27:10

around how it wasn't just about acceptance

27:13

but rather trying to

27:15

see if there were other ways of

27:17

changing who you were. You

27:20

had spent all this time and

27:22

ergo money on trying to change

27:25

who you were. It

27:27

just made me really sad that you spent

27:29

so many years struggling through

27:32

that alone.

27:34

Vivian recalls what it was like as kids.

27:37

I just remember like you were like

27:39

the older brother that like I didn't

27:41

have, right you had like that

27:43

that huge room and

27:46

like all your CDs. You

27:48

know, it was just it just had

27:50

hurt so much because it was like we grew up

27:52

as kids, Like what changed all

27:54

of a sudden that we were no longer

27:57

these kids that played together and enjoyed hanging

27:59

out together and running

28:01

around. That this got in the way of everything,

28:05

you know what I mean.

28:06

So, yeah, she

28:08

tells me about why she's chosen to talk to

28:10

me again.

28:12

By the time I had finished reading your note, like

28:14

there was no question in my mind that that was how

28:16

I was going to respond. It was like I

28:18

had read it, and I was like, I accept it, like

28:21

no questions asked, like no, like no

28:24

conditions, Like we've been apart for so long

28:27

that like I have no interest

28:29

in continuing this. So

28:33

I was just really thankful that, like, you know, and

28:36

very appreciative that you

28:38

admitted that, yeah.

28:40

You were wrong.

28:41

As we talk, I still feel ashamed

28:44

for the ways I chose self preservation

28:46

over supporting her all those years ago, and

28:49

I tell her about how for so long

28:51

I've thought of myself as a hypocrite,

28:54

but not the dishonest kind, the kind

28:56

of hypocrite who genuinely believed

28:58

what he was doing.

29:00

For the record, I don't think hypocrite

29:02

is the correct word, because I agree with

29:04

you. I think that you genuinely believe what

29:06

you were saying at the time. Yeah,

29:08

and even reading your note, I didn't think of you

29:11

as being hypocritical. I think it was deeply

29:15

seated insecurities around

29:18

oneself, trying to figure

29:20

out who you were, internalized homophobia

29:23

and like just

29:26

you know, dealing with a lot of

29:29

self discovery. But

29:31

truthfully, like we're

29:35

part of the same community and it's an

29:37

incredibly lonely

29:39

journey to kind of get to this point,

29:41

especially like I know it's

29:43

different for everyone, and you can't just turn to everyone

29:46

and be like accept yourself, Like, there's so many things

29:48

that go into it. I

29:50

know that sexuality is a huge part

29:52

of one's identity and for

29:55

people to be able to live out and open is very

29:57

important, but there's many

29:59

other aspects to who you are and

30:02

even accepting who you are on many levels

30:04

sexuality aside. It

30:06

takes a lot and it's a journey to get there.

30:10

How do you feel today?

30:14

I mean, there's the immediate impact

30:16

of like this week, and I feel extremely

30:19

relieved and lighter

30:22

and happier. And I

30:24

don't feel like I have to pretend

30:26

to be someone else in front of you in order to

30:29

represent some ideal

30:31

that you know, I'm still struggling to live

30:33

up to. Like it just doesn't that

30:35

pressure is no longer there. I

30:38

feel like it's a more authentic. I'm more

30:40

authentic in my relationships

30:43

and you know, even in our conversation, like

30:45

I'm not there's no agenda, Like

30:47

I'm not trying to get you to believe anything

30:49

else or whatever.

30:50

Right, Yeah, get me to not be gay,

30:52

get me to be gay, pick away. She

30:55

closes with this, Listen,

30:57

I'm always here like

31:00

you like really

31:02

like I

31:04

I don't want it to be like okay, like we got to

31:06

do this like soft ramp up period. If you're just like

31:08

Nope'm gonna hit you with a question or like gotta like

31:11

can we talk like I'm totally down

31:13

for it.

31:13

I just we've lost

31:15

enough time.

31:17

Thank you. Yeah.

31:20

I never thought this could happen. All

31:22

these years of separation and hurt,

31:25

our families torn apart, but

31:28

now a new chance to reconnect,

31:31

to restart, to rebuild. It's

31:34

kind of a miracle. And I couldn't

31:36

have started down this road to reconciliation

31:39

were it not for Alana.

31:55

I make my way back to Colorado. It's

31:58

a windy day and I'm at Cup for

32:00

a good old fashioned Alumni versus Student

32:02

Ultimate frisbee game. But this isn't

32:05

just a regular match. It's a memorial

32:07

game for Alana. In the

32:09

past few years, Alana's childhood

32:11

friends have organized all sorts of things,

32:14

from a trail run around Davidson Mesa known

32:16

as Run for Alana, to an annual

32:18

USA Ultimate tournament known as the

32:20

Elana. Alana's friends

32:23

remember her infectious encouragement, and

32:25

it's great to see a whole new generation of players

32:27

learn about her. But there's also a sadness

32:30

that maybe after this next cohort

32:33

graduates, so too, might Alana's

32:35

memory fade.

32:37

Thank you all for doing this. This means

32:40

so much to our family and friends

32:44

Alana. This was like one of the best parts of Alana's

32:48

pretty.

32:48

Much her life.

32:50

Yeah, should we do like a like

32:53

a big like ass paddle like I don't know

32:59

really myself.

33:00

I believe in myself.

33:01

I believe

33:04

in myself.

33:05

I believe this tea

33:09

I myself.

33:15

Why why.

33:23

That night I check in with Joyce.

33:26

Even with all that's happening in memory of Alana,

33:29

she's still filled with so much regret.

33:33

I have one friend say to me, if you knew what you

33:35

know now, you would have done everything that

33:37

week, wouldn't you have? And I'm like, yeah, but it

33:39

doesn't help

33:41

because I shouldn't known like I should

33:44

have known like suicide series, my cousin

33:46

died by suicide. Yes,

33:51

I look at her face and I'm excited.

33:53

I can't think of her not being

33:55

here. It's

33:58

too.

34:01

Joyce's grief has not let up.

34:04

She still texts me in the middle of the night, but

34:06

I'm starting to see small glimmers of change

34:09

in her. She's speaking out more publicly

34:11

about Alana's life and legacy and

34:13

hopes that just one person can learn

34:15

from it, that it might inspire some change.

34:19

Sometimes I don't know if our friendship is too

34:21

triggering for her, an unwelcome reminder

34:23

of her loss. We wouldn't have met

34:26

if not for Alana's death. But

34:28

Joyce tells me that she sees so much

34:30

good in the podcast that she senses

34:32

Alana's hand in it, and that maybe

34:35

I'm being changed and healed by

34:37

making it. I feel my heart

34:39

squeeze, and I hold back my

34:42

emotions as

34:44

I say goodbye to her for the night. I step

34:46

outside and breathe in the late summer

34:48

air. It smells like honeysuckle,

34:51

and the stars are out. It's

34:54

been nearly three years since I've learned

34:57

of Alana, and the ways in which her

34:59

life have twined with mine haven't

35:01

been lost on me. Who

35:03

could have imagined that I'd be here in Colorado

35:06

reading her most intimate thoughts, retracing

35:09

her life, and revisiting the

35:12

most shameful parts of my own. Lately,

35:17

my prayers to God have been angry

35:19

and bitter, and often I

35:21

don't even bother talking to him. But

35:24

tonight I'm inspired to pray

35:27

to someone who I know will understand.

35:34

Dear Alana, I

35:36

don't know what to say.

35:39

I don't know why you did this, why

35:41

you left, why any of

35:43

this happened. But

35:45

I know that because of you, nothing

35:48

is the same. I

35:51

can look ahead and start to let

35:53

go, let go of

35:55

all the hate towards myself, let

35:58

go of the shame. Why

36:02

because I can see how bright you were,

36:06

how deeply you loved and gave

36:09

and trusted. So

36:11

I can look at myself and

36:13

begin to believe that maybe

36:17

I'm not the damaged person I thought

36:19

I was, and that God

36:21

hasn't answered my prayers because

36:25

he can't heal what isn't

36:28

broken.

36:44

The playing to right up against the fence behind

36:46

us.

36:47

Okay, I need you guys to evacuate the arey.

36:49

Okay, I'm getting rid of Baig, but I can't

36:51

get my animal.

36:51

With them with me.

36:53

Nass evacuations in suburban

36:55

Demo.

36:56

Fire broke out south of Bulger just after

36:58

eleven this morning.

37:00

And Louisville residents racing home from

37:02

work to save their pets and keepsakes.

37:05

I don't know where to go out

37:07

towards Denver.

37:08

Evacuate now.

37:11

On December thirtieth, twenty twenty one,

37:14

I get a text from Joyce. A

37:16

wildfire broke out in Boulder and

37:18

high winds are spreading it rapidly throughout

37:20

the area. The Chen's family

37:22

house is located smack in the middle of the fire's

37:25

path, and over thirty seven thousand residents

37:28

have to evacuate the area immediately.

37:30

Sophia Alana's younger sister rushes

37:33

home to grab her stuff.

37:35

And we're driving up to her house

37:37

that we can barely see, and the

37:40

whole front lawns on fire. And

37:42

I run out the car with

37:45

dust like hitting me in the face and all

37:47

these smoke and ash, and

37:51

I pause on our front steps and just see this

37:53

like fire so close to me. I

37:55

just looked at my house. I was like, it looked

37:58

like I was in a completely different

38:00

place, even though I knew I was at home.

38:03

Since then, nearly six hundred

38:06

homes have been burned.

38:07

To think of the many families tonight who

38:09

have lost everything, walked, all their belongings,

38:11

locked their home.

38:14

The Chens would lose their house, Alana's

38:17

childhood home in the Marshall fire,

38:19

the very house that her sister Carrissa brought

38:22

me to. It would burn to its foundations,

38:25

with nothing structural left standing.

38:28

Sophia, I remembers the emotions from that

38:30

day.

38:31

I just was really really upset because

38:35

I was trying to cherish those memories of my

38:38

sister, and I had

38:40

all these things of hers,

38:44

Like when she first died. I would rum

38:46

into their own room and try

38:48

and find answers, try

38:51

and find the writings

38:54

for her to me that like saying

38:57

that she loves me, like just writing about

38:59

me. I like to hear that selfishly.

39:02

But yeah,

39:04

it was we wanted to keep her room

39:06

to remember, and it was like another

39:10

thing was just taken away. What

39:14

was left of her was just completely stripped

39:16

away.

39:18

It's almost too much loss to bear her

39:21

sister. And now this the

39:24

room they preserve to remember Alana,

39:26

with her clothes and artwork and books,

39:28

was being engulfed by uncontrollable

39:31

flames, and Sophia had precisely

39:33

one minute to find something from it to save.

39:36

But I ran up right to my room.

39:38

I grabbed a box of

39:40

the stuff I had taken from college and some

39:42

pictures, and then I ran into

39:45

my sister's room and I didn't

39:47

know what to grab because there were so many

39:49

things in there, but I grabbed a poem

39:52

she had written a

39:54

little note,

39:57

and then I ran out, Do.

40:01

You happen to have the poeme? I do.

40:04

Yeah, It's actually

40:07

quite beautiful because I

40:10

kind of associate rainbows a lot with

40:12

my sister, and

40:15

I kept saying, I was like, I feel

40:17

like I'm getting signs from my sister.

40:20

I feel like my sister is sending me double rainbows

40:22

for some reason.

40:23

But it goes.

40:27

I am mortally wounded, deeply

40:30

unstable, but I stand between the Lord

40:33

and the shining sun, his promise

40:35

of mercy, and the twofold

40:38

rainbow, the solid ground

40:40

and the shifting sands, the

40:42

holy wind, the dark clouds,

40:44

the lightning strikes, the thunder,

40:47

the.

40:48

Rain, the grassy plain and

40:50

the velvet foothills. The

40:53

sun shines from far beyond the mountains

40:55

to well past my house. Surely

40:58

I will fall tonight, but I will rise

41:00

again tomorrow. I

41:02

am deeply unstable and mortally

41:04

wounded, yet I stand between the

41:06

Lord and his holy covenant. I'm

41:09

deeply troubled and completely unstable.

41:12

But I'm held by his gaze.

41:14

He slumbers not now,

41:17

I wake to the shadows of his face.

41:20

Tomorrow that shadow will fade into a

41:22

brilliant light, and

41:24

the shadow will never return.

41:30

You've been that brilliant light for me, Alana,

41:34

mystically guiding us on this journey.

41:38

They were right about you all along. You

41:43

are a saint.

41:49

I will follow you, follow

41:53

you wherever you might

41:55

go.

41:58

There is.

42:02

Dear Alana was created, hosted,

42:04

and written by me Simon kent Fung

42:06

and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in

42:08

association with a Slept Audio in

42:11

the Center for Independent Documentary. It

42:13

was produced by Lori Pulisky and edited

42:15

by myself and Laurie. Executive

42:17

producers are myself, Donald Albright,

42:20

and Payne Lindsay. Our supervising producer

42:22

is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional

42:24

production by Matthew Pusti. Original

42:27

music, written, recorded, and produced by

42:29

Lori Pulisky. Additional music by

42:31

Makeup and Vanity, Set story editing

42:33

by Donald Albright and Lauri Polisky,

42:36

and mixing and mastering by Cooper Skinner.

42:38

Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia.

42:41

Our voice actor is Alana Rabor and

42:43

our credit song I Will Follow You is

42:45

by to Loose Yeah.

42:46

I remember I added it to my New York playlist

42:48

on Spotify because we used to

42:50

watch Sister Act all the time as kids

42:53

and they sing that

42:55

song like the choir sings that

42:57

song, and we.

42:59

Used to sing the song. Bye.

43:01

Textit to her October seventh,

43:04

twenty sixteen. Alana, you

43:06

should listen to the song I Will Follow

43:08

You by Toulouse.

43:12

I love it.

43:13

It's so pretty.

43:16

I will follow you ever

43:21

since you've touched. Thank

43:23

you.

43:25

Special thanks to Orren Rosenbaum, Shelby

43:28

Shankman and the team at UTA, the Nord

43:30

Group, Sean Gordon and backmedia

43:32

and marketing. Show notes and

43:34

resources can be found on our website, Dearlana

43:37

dot com. If you enjoyed the show,

43:39

please take time to follow it, rate and review.

43:41

Your feedback is greatly appreciated. So

43:45

many people supported me in the two year journey

43:48

of making this show, but I couldn't have

43:50

done it without my producer, composer,

43:52

and friend, Laurie. This truly

43:54

was a labor of love. Thank you to

43:56

Emily Shaw, Tracy elits Kaplan and

43:59

Shannon Minter for your day one support.

44:01

To Bill Glenn, Father, James Allison

44:03

and Eunice Park for your mentorship, Jonathan

44:06

Gaily, Josh and Brooke, Harrison, Lucas

44:08

and Avon Fernandez, David and Carrie

44:10

Clark for hosting me at your homes, Matt

44:13

Polus for your studio, SoundSpace and Boulder.

44:16

To my friends Danny and Newton, Christopher

44:18

Dowling and my Impact team, and all those

44:21

who gave feedback along the way. Thank

44:23

you to Donald for believing in this story

44:25

and for all the late nights. To my entire

44:27

family, Mom, Dad, Margaret,

44:30

Kevin forgetting me the tape recorder for

44:32

my birthday, and of course Vivian.

44:35

Finally, my deepest gratitude to

44:37

the Chen and Calvo family, Carrisa,

44:39

Sophia, Sammy, Mike, and

44:42

to Joyce. Thank you for trusting

44:44

me with Alana story.

44:48

There is in notion Sudi

44:52

Monton so high keep

44:56

me away away

45:01

from lone