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1:34

That's an advert for the podcast you've already

1:36

clicked on. It's certainly quite clever. Oh,

1:39

sit yourself down and stick around. This is a podcast

1:41

where I ask

1:44

cuddle-based questions and

1:46

pry into people's lives. Well,

1:49

I've had a mother dear up, actually, and

1:52

I'm going

1:52

to surprise you here. It's been absolutely lovely.

1:55

Me and Naomi, the producer, are going to do

1:57

the aerial yoga where you fly

1:59

in abundance.

1:59

So if anyone knows

2:02

where we can do that, I've done a like Google

2:04

and it's in LA or Sutton and I'm not going to

2:06

be there for you so. Ah,

2:09

why do I have to do my own admin? You know

2:11

my male friends get the women in their lives

2:13

to do the admin for them. It's absolutely

2:15

unbelievable and they use a technique called

2:18

pretending to be bad. That's what

2:20

I'm going to do now. Well it's not bad life I

2:22

suppose if the biggest problem is you can't find aerial

2:24

yoga. This week we've got Margaret

2:26

Cable-Smith. Do use the

2:28

full name, I know I do. She's an

2:30

actor. She's a...well

2:33

I'm saying comedian, writer and actor.

2:35

She's written on Motherland. She's been in Catastrophe,

2:38

Peepshow, The IT Crowd, loads of

2:40

stuff. She's a lovely laugher. She's

2:43

a great woman in herself actually. And

2:45

you'll hear that right now. Oh

2:48

well I'm in my merch and Margaret

2:50

Cable-Smith isn't in my merch. Oh,

2:52

only because I don't have your merch. No one does actually.

2:55

Three t-shirts have I made. I didn't get

2:57

you on here to do one merch last

3:00

time I had. Have

3:02

you come from Richmond? I've come from Ealing.

3:05

Do you live in Richmond? No, I'd love to live in Richmond.

3:07

I've read it on the internet that you live in Richmond. I

3:09

was sort of born... Sort of born in Richmond,

3:12

not even properly. Mother, one

3:13

leg over one leg. I

3:16

was born in St Margaret's actually.

3:19

No, and that's why you're called Margaret. It

3:21

is not a name for a young lady. It is, it's an

3:23

awful name. Well, Mother's called Margaret

3:26

but she goes by Maggie. But Mother

3:28

is an acceptable age. Yeah, Mother's

3:30

appropriate. So

3:33

what's your story? Yeah,

3:35

I don't know. I think my parents were very tired and they

3:37

lived in St Margaret's and they were like, yeah,

3:40

that'll do. In fact, the last time I

3:42

asked them about it, my mum said, well, your father had

3:44

an aunt called Margaret that he loves and

3:46

my father went, What? No, it didn't.

3:49

So they don't know why they

3:51

called me it. And you never fancied Maggie.

3:54

Some people do call me Maggie. I would feel weird.

3:57

You see, you introduce yourself as Lou, don't you? Yeah.

4:00

And anything else is weird? I know you

4:02

go by loo-lee sometimes. Yeah, loo-lee

4:04

just for jokes. Well, no,

4:06

except I bet more people call you loo-lee

4:08

than they do loo-lee. Are you

4:10

a loo-ee? No, when they're

4:13

officially, yes. But then my step-dad

4:16

said, loo-lee! That

4:18

just

4:18

caught on. That just

4:20

caught

4:21

on. That's a bit

4:23

creepy. But you wear it, you own Margaret.

4:26

Because there's no other ones. I think it's quite cool in a way. It's

4:28

full circle. I've had to. It's

4:32

funny, I do a podcast called

4:34

Crushed by Margaret K. Bourns-Smith. Which I'm

4:36

going to come on. You are? I know.

4:40

Well, I know, but it's because I want to save you for a live one. Oh,

4:42

yeah. So it's a bad

4:44

name. But I

4:47

feel like I do have to own it. And

4:49

so it's sort of the same. I wanted to do an Edinburgh show called Oh,

4:51

You're There God, It's Me, Margaret K. Bourns-Smith.

4:54

Because I think that is the actual name as well. It's

4:57

not worth doing Edinburgh. That's a great title. But

5:00

I think there is something funny in the very

5:01

long posh old lady title.

5:03

So I am just trying to own

5:05

it. So I'm putting my name on the ground.

5:08

And that film, that was a cool... It's

5:10

come back round. It's all it has come back round. I mean,

5:12

it's a very cool name now. Yeah. Well,

5:14

I read that book when I was seven. Partly because

5:17

my name was Margaret. So it was like, oh, this book is about me.

5:20

And then it was quite early to read about periods and religious

5:22

crises in a way. I didn't know the book

5:24

before it's film, even though it's not for the film. Oh! The

5:28

film was... Yeah. It came

5:30

out in the 70s, I think. God. Well,

5:34

you learn something new every day on Cuddle

5:36

Club. Cuddle Club, I have a... But

5:40

also, can I just say on your name... Sorry, I didn't mean

5:42

to talk about your name for so long. And say what the

5:45

hell is going on with your name. It's very rude stuff. I

5:48

know it again. But

5:50

I like that name. Like I say, full circle. Maximum

5:52

points. But it feels really

5:55

good when you say it all together.

5:56

And everyone says your name all together. Margaret Cable-Smith.

5:59

Margaret Cable-Smith. Yeah, really gobbled

6:01

as well. Sounds good, Margaret. Margaret

6:03

Cable Smith, but I don't know anyone

6:06

else who has three names. And I

6:08

love that. Oh, there are loads of people.

6:10

There are loads of K. Old Smith Byno. K.

6:12

Old Smith Byno. What did you want to be called? Well,

6:16

at drama school, they said you should change your name. And

6:19

I did consider, well, I considered Margaret Cable,

6:22

but it just sounded like I wasn't finishing my name, so

6:24

that got very long. Brady, I like his surname.

6:26

Brady. Yeah. That's Margaret Brady.

6:29

Margaret Brady, you'll get yourself

6:31

here now. And

6:33

that isn't offensive. And

6:35

just you saying it's offensive. It's

6:37

an offensive. Is that right?

6:39

Yeah, I was going to say because I'm part Irish, but I'm

6:41

not, and that's a lie. And I already sort of get away

6:43

with the Welsh thing. Although I did do

6:45

a U and me test and, you know, it's

6:47

gone. How Irish oil

6:50

is that stuff thrown in is loads of kilt thick. Yeah.

6:52

Yeah. Cut me in,

6:55

I leak. I said one one way to your show. When

6:57

I said,

6:58

oh, well, how

7:00

does that go down? Yeah, really well, because

7:02

it's an empty studio. So you just imagine everyone

7:04

laughing. Crawling in Wales.

7:07

Did you ever do stand up? No, it's

7:09

so weird you say that because I was just thinking on my way here,

7:12

how it's a weird, I'm in comedy

7:14

and I can sometimes call myself a comic,

7:16

but I do feel like a fraud because I never actually

7:18

did stand up. I was in a double act and

7:21

I used to do, it was

7:23

a Victorian double out. We played XIMES

7:25

twins and I did used to do Victorian

7:28

stand up within that. So that,

7:30

that, yeah. I mean, anyone online now,

7:33

they do videos about, oh yeah. And

7:35

then they're like, call themselves a stand up. Talking

7:37

to a camera. Yeah. You've

7:39

done the second. So I think, yeah, okay. Yeah,

7:42

certainly. I've done my time. So, would you like

7:44

to go to Edinburgh? That

7:48

makes me stand up, right? That's the thing

7:50

we want. That's the other thing

7:51

we've got in common.

7:58

Why you can put this music under anything?

8:01

Okay, I'm going to get around to the quick five

8:03

rounds now. Already? Wow. God. Yeah.

8:05

No, no, I could. I

8:07

can. No, no, do it a bit more. No, do

8:09

it. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm ready. I'm janky.

8:12

Are you sure? Yeah.

8:13

Was that one of them? No.

8:17

Okay, here we go. It doesn't

8:19

have to be quick actually. She's crunching

8:21

her fists. It's unbelievable

8:23

to see. Wedding ring on your finger,

8:25

still married. Still married. Still married.

8:28

How many years? It's not that long. It's

8:30

only nine years. In my head. Well,

8:33

we've been together for 20. So,

8:35

Lu nearly did a spit.

8:38

Any of us? Oh, a few. But only

8:40

a few. It's like under 10.

8:45

Not bad. Each. Yeah,

8:48

yeah, yeah. Keep it fresh. Two

8:50

children. Two children. Yeah.

8:52

Don't try. I don't know how I know that. I

8:55

don't know how I know that. That's

8:58

creepy. It's

8:59

creepy. You sensed it. A boy

9:01

and a girl. That's right. How do I know

9:03

that? Yeah, it's weird. I mean, it's a girl and a boy, technically.

9:06

You were correct. I always put the man first. Do you? Yeah,

9:09

you should. You should. Because

9:11

they'll probably go on to do a bit more and be

9:13

a bit more noteworthy.

9:14

So I always

9:16

put the boy

9:17

first. Yeah. OK, quick

9:19

fire round. Oh, dear. She's taking a tea. Oh,

9:21

God. Oh, was that not the

9:23

quick fire round? No, no, no, no. She

9:25

was written by her face. The

9:27

correct fire round is now. Nickname

9:30

at school. Oh, nobody

9:32

talked to me enough to call me. No,

9:34

I did. I tried to start my own nickname.

9:37

Have you heard people?

9:38

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to be called

9:40

Peggy when I was... I

9:42

met a catch-up. ...11, didn't

9:43

catch up. Oh, Peggy. Peggy is actually

9:45

a shortening of Margaret Whitley. Is he? Yeah. Oh,

9:47

right. Yeah, yeah. And I just found that out somewhere

9:50

and thought all that sounds fine. That sounds cool. Sort

9:52

of opposite end of the spectrum to Margaret, isn't it,

9:54

really? Yeah. Well, except it's still quite old ladyish.

9:57

Yeah, Peggy. Will it? No, yeah, it is. I mean, I

9:59

did get caught.

9:59

mags. I get called mags now. Yeah.

10:02

And Marge and Margie

10:04

and

10:05

Magic. My sister

10:07

spreads herself around that Margery.

10:09

Yeah. Because of the affairs. All

10:14

the people have open relationships now anyway. They

10:16

do. I don't think I could be

10:19

admin alone. No, no, no.

10:22

In fact, I mentioned this to my husband. He's like, it's

10:24

bad enough cooking for you all the time. I'm cooking

10:26

for all these other men you're bringing.

10:28

Oh, that's nice. I thought he went cooking for

10:31

his little sluts, but no, he meant... Yeah,

10:33

he meant your mind. Oh, that's a gorgeous man

10:35

that he's thinking about you and your boyfriends

10:37

eating. Oh, that's lovely. I

10:39

did once say, are you having an affair with him? He said,

10:42

oh, well, if I am, they're not getting much

10:44

out of me, are they? Which is a really fair point.

10:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have the dregs.

10:49

No, I know. Don't. I'll go

10:51

home and build them up. Okay, so

10:53

if a company sends you a damaged horrific

10:56

plant pot, should they also refund

10:58

you the postage that you paid to get the pot?

11:01

Well, if it's a horrific plant pot, yeah,

11:03

but it also was damaged. Right. Okay, but it's my fault. If I've ordered

11:05

a horrific plant pot, you're amazed. It didn't

11:07

look anything like it did on the pithy. I see horrific and

11:10

damaged. It looked completely different. It was

11:12

like £45 and I paid £5 at postage.

11:15

And then I got there and it was tiny. Because they went

11:17

on diameter rather than... And

11:19

it was ugly and cheap. And

11:22

yeah, it was bashed in after I took...

11:28

Who should they refund me the postage? Oh,

11:31

I think you'd be lucky to get the post. They're

11:33

not going to give me the postage. They're not going to give you the postage.

11:35

Did they refund you? Yeah, hopefully. I

11:40

have an amazing thing. It's a really

11:42

good recommendation if you are posting

11:43

people rubbish. I ranked. I

11:46

ordered some wine and when it arrived, one

11:48

of the bottles was

11:51

smashed.

11:51

And

11:56

I rang and I was all ready to have the slightly fighty odd...

12:00

Yeah, and I rang she answered the phone and I said,

12:02

oh hello I've just got my delivery and one of the bottles

12:04

is smashed and she went oh my god. No

12:07

And I ended up That's

12:17

a thing but it was brilliant So, I

12:19

mean actually she said she said she'd

12:21

give me the money back for it But

12:24

even if she hadn't I think she could have got away with not doing

12:26

it because yeah

12:28

And which dictator

12:30

would you be and why oh

12:45

There aren't really gonna be a fictional one,

12:47

yeah, and can I be

12:49

I mean Emma Thompson in years and years Yeah,

12:53

well, she's not really a dictator but she

12:55

was a sort of evil politician. Oh, yeah Yeah,

13:00

yeah, I mean it didn't want her but it's just

13:02

thinking it's terrible isn't it thinking about what she looked

13:04

like

13:14

Yeah, I think my parents really were

13:16

quite sad when then she became massive

13:19

obviously after I was born or princess

13:22

Margaret neither of which They're lucky

13:24

or

13:24

no Some

13:27

cradle to podcast maybe the

13:29

true listening Okay,

13:32

it's time for the touch quiz and I asked

13:35

a

13:35

left field question and it's not politically

13:38

correct How do

13:40

you keep so trim?

13:41

you know what I was talking to friends about it the other day and

13:43

I was

13:44

She

13:46

said you put into good habits, haven't you? I

13:48

think that is the important thing

13:52

I

13:55

hate my neck. No, I've been very nice.

13:57

I've been told off recently because I keep holding it

13:59

back while talking to people. No,

14:01

lovely neck. You know there's a Nora Efron. Yes,

14:04

a human neck. Yeah, it's called I Feel Bad,

14:06

but my neck, oh, thank you. Can I get a show? I

14:08

need to, can I get a touch on it? Only if I make

14:10

it really tough. Oh,

14:13

dear. Okay, touch quiz. What am I thinking

14:15

about touching? You've got five questions and

14:17

it's go time now. Okay, is it fictional?

14:20

No, they exist. Is it a human?

14:22

No. Is it alive? No.

14:25

I'll give you a clue. How I'm dressed today,

14:28

is it in my gym? No,

14:30

but it's very similar

14:32

to the gym. Similar to the gym. It's kind of, I mean, I could

14:34

give you it really, but

14:37

I'm not going to.

14:38

Is it? Mm, not

14:40

gym. It's not leisure centre, because that's a swimming pool.

14:42

Okay, leisure centre, I'll give you a sport-sall. I'll

14:44

give you that, because it's sport-sall. I'll give you that.

14:47

It doesn't feel good for you though, doesn't it?

14:49

It doesn't feel good, no. It feels hollow, doesn't it? No,

14:51

it doesn't feel hollow. And it doesn't

14:53

feel good for me either. I gave you too

14:55

much. I don't know. No,

14:59

I lost my touch there. That

15:01

felt, we'll

15:04

have to recover from that. Don't

15:06

worry, because we've got a chance

15:08

to redeem ourselves. Yes. Okay.

15:12

In like a bridge over cuddle of water. Oh God, yeah.

15:14

Here we go. Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle.

15:19

I don't think laughing at me is redeeming

15:21

yourself to you. You look so serious.

15:23

No, I know. I've got to. Hang

15:25

on.

15:26

Right, here we go. Cuddle,

15:28

cuddle. That's not it.

15:30

That's nothing like it. Okay, could

15:32

you give me a song and I'll

15:35

guess what it is, but you have to sing it to cuddle, cuddle,

15:37

cuddle.

15:38

Oh, okay. Imagine if she chose

15:40

the same song that I've chose.

15:42

Well, I mean, you did just sing it to me, so

15:44

I should have been in. Yeah, I know. But yeah,

15:46

it would still be amazing. It

15:48

would be. It would be frightening. That is the

15:50

weird thing. It's not as easy

15:52

as it looks as if it was a role, you know. Well,

15:55

I thought it'd be guessing, which is very different to me. Yeah,

15:57

I know.

15:57

Lovely neck though. Cuddle, cuddle. I've

16:00

got it, I've got it, I've got

16:02

it. I

16:17

know it. I

16:21

know it. I

16:25

know it. But what

16:28

is it? Man

16:32

after midnight. What

16:34

is it like? Aberg, gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme

16:36

gimme gimme gimme. That's really good. I

16:39

can copy and paste for next

16:40

week if you don't mind. That's my new

16:42

jingle. That was really good.

16:45

Wowie, not just a lovely neck. What

16:48

was your neck? Not just

16:50

a neck. It

16:53

is lovely. It's not really feminist

16:55

is it? No it's not. I

16:59

know but we're in a difficult industry. We

17:02

have to think about ourselves at the time, it's our job.

17:05

Do you like acting? That's not on the sheet. Yeah, no I

17:07

do, I really do. It's all the other

17:10

stuff that I don't like. Yeah, the rejection and

17:12

the insecurity. Oh god, yeah. And

17:15

Dan's in the same business as God. Stupid,

17:17

it was a stupid idea. I mean what

17:19

would you do if you didn't do acting? I would

17:21

think about that. If I got cancelled

17:23

or something, what would I do? Well being

17:26

cancelled

17:28

is quite specific isn't it? You then can't do anything,

17:30

you have to change your name as well.

17:33

As we all know I've only just got used to my name. I've

17:37

always had in my head that

17:39

I would be in publishing and

17:41

really miserable. Oh I love

17:43

that for you. I love

17:46

that for you. That's gorgeous.

17:49

High ambition. High

17:52

ambition's out. No, do you know what, it's more like

17:55

when you think about your parallel lives. I think it's really

17:58

important not to just think about it.

17:59

about

18:00

all the missed opportunities and where

18:03

you could be, where you're, you know, the peer

18:06

who is most successful, you could be

18:08

that, but also you could be living

18:11

in a cupboard. Yes. Did

18:13

having children change your

18:16

perception on the industry?

18:19

Yeah, I mean, it was really weird

18:21

because suddenly we were lucky enough to have

18:23

our parents

18:26

helping us with childcare and stuff. I mean,

18:28

absolutely huge. But they were like,

18:30

what? I don't understand how you live your life. Because we'd suddenly be

18:33

like, can you take the baby tomorrow?

18:35

I have to go and do this. And they're like, what do you mean? That's no

18:37

time at all. That's no notice. And it's like, oh

18:39

no, this is just how we live. And still realizing

18:42

most people do not live like

18:44

that. Most people don't drop everything, just

18:46

the chance of being in a

18:48

do-luck lab. No, what you're doing. Yeah.

18:51

Yeah. I mean, that is the alternative. Yeah.

18:54

It's sort of like, oh, a 10 year plan. I can't think of

18:56

anything wrong. Do you think they'll go into... How old

18:58

are they? They are 14 and 8. And

19:01

I don't think they're going

19:02

to go into the edge. Mainly because I think...

19:07

I mean, they both... The older one was

19:10

just the priest in For Weddings

19:12

and Funeral. No! Oh my God,

19:14

why did I say that? That

19:18

is not what they did. Romeo

19:20

and Juliet. Oh, really?

19:22

Oh, cute. And absolutely

19:25

loved it. Yeah.

19:27

I don't think it's turned

19:29

her so much that she wants to do it as

19:31

a job teacher. And the little one was King

19:34

Herod in the Sipiti. What's

19:36

really sweet is that it turns out he yawns

19:39

when he's nervous. And so having

19:41

Herod yawning all the time... Wow. Wow.

19:45

Funny. And that's a good choice,

19:47

isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For some of these evil little kings.

19:49

Yeah. You're looking in the background. That's

19:51

great. Was everyone laughing? Well,

19:54

the sad thing was it... He got COVID

19:57

and couldn't do the actual production. So we

19:59

only have... got to see the dress rehearsals. Oh,

20:02

lucky you saw that. Yeah, yeah. We know we

20:04

can watch that over and over. Yeah, well,

20:07

I wonder who is yawning, yeah, Covid. Get

20:11

some healthy air into him. Yeah. Oh,

20:13

that's nice, though.

20:16

Yeah, I'd like a one way ticket

20:18

to Cuddle City Central, please.

20:22

OK. Cuddle

20:25

family?

20:26

Yeah, sort of. I mean, I cuddle

20:29

more than my family. I cuddle sort of. You're

20:31

you're a big cuddler, obviously, since this became. I've

20:33

gone off it since it was last. Yeah.

20:35

Do people try and cuddle you more? No, I

20:37

don't. I don't. I

20:40

don't know. I just suddenly got shy

20:42

one day. Do you know it's yeah.

20:45

I was thinking about this and thinking I am

20:47

still a big cuddler, but I am much more aware these

20:49

days that not everyone else does like it. And I'm

20:51

really worried about getting it wrong. Especially

20:54

when you make your own deodorant like I do. I

20:58

did try once, but oh,

21:00

God. Yeah. Did it go badly? Well,

21:02

I didn't. I made my own mouthwash. And was it deodorant?

21:05

I don't know, but it never seemed the same. No,

21:08

same. Same batch. Underarm

21:11

in the mouth. Yeah, no. Deborah

21:14

Meadens made her own deodorant. You know about

21:16

this? No. Fussy. Do you know about Fussy?

21:18

No. Yeah. Some kind of environmental

21:21

thing that, you know, you get you get a sense

21:23

of roll on. Yeah. Fill it up

21:25

with Deborah Meadens.

21:26

Oh, Deborah Meaden. You fill it up with

21:28

Deborah Meaden. All day 24

21:30

seven smell like Meaden. Take

21:32

a day off, Meaden. I guess it's

21:35

to say, it is. Yeah. A lot of

21:37

faff. It is a lot of. Yeah. Well, I haven't

21:39

even tried that. No,

21:41

my friend told me about this natural deodorant that you you

21:44

just ooze it on like it's a

21:46

paste. Squirt. Yeah. And it's

21:49

not for me. And none of this stuff is.

21:51

You know, that's the trouble. It's really like

21:53

you still sweat, but it's not bad

21:55

for you or whatever. But none of it. It does.

21:57

And it doesn't. It just doesn't feel great. thing

22:00

does it? I would always just be thinking

22:02

what is that smelling like? You've got your ten

22:05

affairs to have, I mean it's not working. You

22:07

need to think about your boyfriends. Thank

22:09

you. What were your family like though?

22:12

They are a mix because

22:14

my grandmother is sort of Mediterranean

22:17

so cuddly but she married

22:19

a repressed public school

22:21

boy so he was less. But actually

22:23

I remember yeah my big boy cousins so

22:26

when they were in their late twenties

22:28

or whatever cuddling my grandpa and him looking

22:30

so shocked but delighted

22:33

it was genuinely

22:35

really really moving to sort of

22:37

go oh okay some grown men

22:39

are hugging me it's alright if children do

22:41

it. But

22:42

yeah it's really lovely it's

22:44

important. I do feel sorry for those

22:46

repressed men who want

22:49

to but they don't know now and they don't know

22:52

where to start. Yeah, God that's really

22:54

sad. Thank God that men

22:57

like you know Dan's generation

22:59

and thank God that they're more. So

23:02

I met

23:03

a guy recently, I worked

23:06

with a guy who's a little bit older than us

23:08

but he, his mother when he

23:10

was young, his mother said to him

23:12

when they saw when she saw another mother

23:15

hugging her kids and she

23:17

said to him

23:18

look at them

23:20

you must never do that.

23:21

It's weak. No.

23:25

Yeah. No. Yeah look at them

23:27

it's

23:27

weak. And he was saying now that he had his own kids

23:29

he was like I don't understand how they, how you can

23:31

not hug your kids he was like I can't get my hands off my

23:33

kids. Yeah because you just had all the hair.

23:35

Yeah but I was like God imagine having

23:38

that as like showing physical

23:41

affection. Yeah. It's weak. Wow.

23:44

I know it's mad isn't it?

23:59

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24:45

Now what are arms for if not for snuggling?

24:49

Right, have you got any health complaints because I'm going to look

24:52

them up in Louise El Hay, you

24:53

can hear all your life. Body.

24:54

Um,

24:56

oh yes I have one.

24:59

Uh, yeah. I

25:02

think that it's gone all yellow and

25:04

thick, my toenail. Oh, that fungus. Yeah,

25:06

I think it's fungus. Yeah, let me look up fungus. Well, you've

25:09

been just coating it in nail polish. That's

25:12

not. No. Oh dear. It's

25:14

going to get worse. Well, it won't if you say

25:16

this, Manche. Okay. You're not really into

25:18

this sort of stuff, are you? Um, no, but

25:21

I am open-minded. I love

25:24

that. Staginating beliefs, refuse,

25:26

everyone's got something. Don't take this personally. No,

25:28

no, no. I'll take anything. Oh God,

25:30

I can, you know, one of them is not bad. Yeah. Staginating

25:33

beliefs, refusing to release the past, letting

25:36

the past rule today. So

25:38

you have to say, I live in the present moment, joyous

25:40

and free. I live in the present moment,

25:43

joyous and free. Don't frown before you

25:45

say it after. I was giving it some insensity,

25:47

look. Okay. But

25:50

if you can, you have been

25:52

the present moment. Joyous and free. See,

25:54

it's feeling better, isn't it? Yeah.

25:58

I mean, it's funny, isn't it? Because I don't live in the present moment.

26:00

Well I do

26:02

but I'm certainly not doing this before. It

26:05

was a trap and a

26:07

trap

26:07

in the present moment in this studio with you.

26:10

Oh dear, oh god no but why

26:12

was the present moment? No I'm not denying

26:14

the present moment but it is amazing

26:17

how just saying it helps a bit. It does help

26:19

a bit. I was coursing my daughter

26:21

to say a

26:22

mantra the other day because it was just... I love mummy. Again,

26:26

again. Now

26:28

I'll turn the light off.

26:31

No because it's really... I don't know how much

26:33

queer I've seen. Not very much.

26:36

But there's an amazing bit where they were getting somebody

26:38

to say that they...

26:41

I can't remember what it was but even that they loved themselves.

26:44

Well I love them and they just couldn't

26:46

even say it. I think just lie. No

26:49

but I tried to get two people that I love very

26:51

much in my life, I won't say who, because I'm very classy, and

26:54

I love and forgive myself and they... Actually

26:57

I didn't try and say it, one of these

26:59

funny people that we're going to see did. And they couldn't say

27:01

it. Oh I tried to get one person

27:03

to say it and someone else tried to get someone to say it. And

27:06

they both burst out crying and they couldn't say it. Oh

27:08

my god. And then they worked on it, worked on it and now

27:10

they can say it. So it's kind

27:12

of massive. It is, it's bizarrely

27:15

mad. Considering, yeah, you know

27:17

those things when people want to hold your

27:19

head in a toilet and say... But

27:23

they're like, say I'm a big hairy butt. You know

27:25

I'm just saying, you know... And

27:28

anytime that happens in a film or whatever I'm like, just

27:30

say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the problem with just saying

27:32

it? But actually there

27:35

is a block and there is a power to it. Like

27:37

when you don't want to just say you love someone when you don't. No,

27:40

it's a horrible feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always

27:42

in that situation. I love you, I love you they say

27:44

and I'm like, I don't feel it yet. So

27:46

hard to relate. Do you want to take a picture

27:48

of that? I don't know, they've been there for you. Yes, I do. All

27:54

right, you take a picture of it and lend it to me. Yes,

27:56

it's a very non-committal there. I...

27:59

But I think I've got a... I've got a yellow toe as well. Do

28:02

you? Yeah, so I think I don't want it to spread. No,

28:05

I know. I love and forgive

28:07

myself. No, that's not the right

28:08

one. But you can do that. No, but why? You

28:11

think I shouldn't love and forgive myself? You

28:13

don't get to say that.

28:16

I was just wondering if I could say it. I think

28:18

I'm probably a bit closer than your

28:21

friends are. Yeah, I sort of...

28:23

Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, I don't... There

28:25

are lots of things I couldn't say about myself, but

28:28

I think I am. Now, why don't you now say I've got

28:30

a lovely neck?

28:31

Oh... You have. You have.

28:33

I've got a lovely neck. I think I can. You've

28:36

got

28:36

a lovely... I'll say it for you.

28:39

She's got a lovely neck. I was actually thinking

28:41

of just getting some bulldog clips.

28:44

You enjoy that bloody neck. It's not going to

28:46

look like that forever. Can I tell you a story about

28:48

Jaja Gabor? Yes, I think. Always. I've

28:51

always got time for Jaja Gabor. When Ruby Whacks

28:53

interviewed Jaja Gabor when she was standing in for

28:55

Wogan or whatever. Yeah. She

28:59

said something like, have you had a facelift? And

29:01

Jaja Gabor was like, no, I haven't. No, I haven't. And

29:04

she said, I'll show you the back of my neck if you want

29:06

and prove that I haven't. She swept all

29:08

of her hair away and Ruby Whacks went around there and said,

29:10

no, no, it looks amazing back there. And

29:13

afterwards, Ruby Whack said, it was terrible. Like,

29:15

it was all clipped back. But

29:17

the power of the social...

29:20

You know, she just couldn't bring herself to say, yeah,

29:23

this is all taped up. Wow. So

29:26

she just, you know, you just fronted it out. Yeah,

29:28

yeah. Clever old Jaja Gabor. She said

29:30

clever old Jaja Gabor. Wow. Also,

29:33

you know, if you do have a neck

29:35

lift or a facelift, how...

29:38

Do

29:39

they actually clip it up? I think

29:41

in those days they did. That would be 80s, I think. Surely

29:44

they're better now. Yeah. What do they do with

29:46

that skin though? You might need it. You

29:49

cut it off and put it in a dryer. You

29:51

know what? In a jar. Cut it off, put it in a jar

29:53

if you need it back. Put it in a smoothie. Oh yeah, no, don't worry about

29:55

that.

29:56

Hello.

30:04

Right, are you romantic? No. And,

30:06

uh,

30:07

well, I think my, you know, my

30:09

version of romance, sure.

30:11

Um,

30:13

but, like, so when we got

30:15

in, when Dan asked me to marry him,

30:17

I said, can I have a

30:19

boiler instead of an engagement ring? She's

30:22

really disappointed. But

30:23

I said that to our friend, Ashling

30:26

Bee, and she said, well, we're a

30:28

practical people, and I was like, yeah,

30:30

yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's how I felt.

30:33

I was stressed about the idea of spending money

30:36

on a diamond ring when

30:38

we possibly didn't have heating. You know, we

30:40

were going to... You know what? I think that's absolutely

30:43

right, Ashling. Maybe if we had loads

30:45

and loads of money, you know, and just sort of

30:47

an unthinkable amount of money, I'd have been like, yes, diamond

30:49

ring. I would not lose

30:51

an engagement

30:51

ring, you know. I lost my wedding ring once.

30:54

Oh, did you go back? I

30:56

mean, weirdly, Anne Hathaway helped me look

30:59

for it. Go on. Ashla

31:02

Gabor. That

31:04

was the story about watching

31:05

Telly in the 8th. Oh,

31:07

yeah. More in common. And

31:09

I did a film that she was in called

31:12

The Hustle, and when I told my friend

31:14

Danielle that I was in that film,

31:16

she was in a film with Anne Hathaway, she said,

31:19

oh, do you play her sister who's

31:20

been locked in a cup? So

31:23

I know that's what she thinks I look like. Anyway.

31:27

Money, then. I

31:31

dropped my wedding ring in the mud by the trailer

31:33

that we were in this field, and

31:35

I dropped it on my way to set, and then on my

31:37

way back, I realised it was gone,

31:40

and I was scrabbling around on my hands and knees

31:42

like at one o'clock in the morning. I'm letting go

31:44

of the cupboard, yeah.

31:45

Exactly. And

31:48

I can't show you because it's a podcast, but Anne Hathaway, you

31:50

know, she'd heard, everyone had heard that this

31:52

had happened. Yeah. And she sort of

31:54

said, have you lost your ring? I said yes.

31:56

And she did the most cursory glance on the floor.

31:58

No. and goes on. At

32:01

Be Fair she's Anne Hathaway, she was very very

32:03

busy she wasn't going to be going right then. Just

32:05

don't ask though. If you're not going to get dirty

32:07

don't ask. If you're not going to get dirty. She glanced down

32:10

and I appreciated the glance.

32:13

Maybe Anne Hathaway could... with her glance.

32:15

Exactly like a metal detector apparently.

32:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She did exactly

32:20

how

32:20

you look for it. I'll say the opposite of her.

32:22

And you didn't find it. She was a predator,

32:25

no. I did, I bought a metal detector

32:27

though and went back the next

32:29

day. That's romantic in a way. Yeah.

32:32

It is romantic. So I'm not, you know,

32:34

I'm not dead inside. I

32:36

like gestures but I remember once

32:39

when I was away on tour I came

32:41

back and Anne had made me like

32:43

handmade me chocolates and handmade me the

32:45

box in them and they were absolutely lovely. And

32:48

don't get me wrong I did love it and I did not say this at the time

32:50

but the truth is I'd have preferred a tidy

32:53

flat. Oh of course, I

32:55

mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's

32:57

love languages. Exactly, it's love languages. So

32:59

we thought I get it and I'm, you know, you

33:02

know, I appreciate it. Who was cleaning

33:04

out the chocolate in the kitchen?

33:06

Muggin's here. Well

33:09

yeah, that is a bit annoying actually and actually now I'm

33:11

coming around to the boy though. I think I'd rather have a boy there.

33:13

Yeah, because rings you lose obviously. Yeah,

33:15

we do anyway. Yeah and then also

33:17

you don't need two rings to show that you're someone's

33:20

property. Last

33:22

magic.

33:23

So

33:27

yeah, actually. Did you get

33:29

a boy then? Got a boy and then we

33:31

moved out and then we had to get another bloody boiler

33:33

straight away in the new place so I ended up with two

33:36

boilers and no diamond ring. But like

33:38

boilers and like busters. Cuddle,

33:40

cuddle,

33:42

cuddle, cuddle,

33:45

cuddle,

33:46

cuddle. I

33:48

think that's enough. Right, okay, we're

33:51

coming towards the end. You've done ever so well. Do

33:53

you have the best, worst or weirdest cuddle?

33:56

Yes,

33:57

yeah, my worst one.

33:59

The first one is like bringing the mood down a bit because

34:02

it was... It's like, in the shade. It's

34:05

not only the worst cuddle, but it was one of the worst moments

34:07

of my life. Go on. In

34:10

the middle of the night, I was walking home

34:13

and a man silently,

34:15

had two friends with him, silently got me into

34:18

a bear hug and didn't let me go until... Basically,

34:21

I screamed. I was screaming, fuck off.

34:24

Oh, what the hell? And then he let me go and

34:26

I just... I ran off, but it was terrifying.

34:29

Do you know what's so weird about it? I was thinking, and I didn't

34:31

go to the police, but I was thinking, if I went to the police and I said, a

34:33

man hugged me. I just can't

34:36

see that ringing very

34:39

assaultily in their ears. That's so scary.

34:42

It was horrible. It was horrible. It's

34:44

so weird and the silence and just... That's

34:46

so scary. What were those two friends doing? Just

34:49

standing there, just waiting. I mean, luckily,

34:51

we were outside a busy pub and so

34:54

me shouting just made them go, but

34:56

I don't know what would have happened. Do

34:58

you think he was testing... And this is such

35:00

a horrible thought, but do you think he was testing

35:02

the water to see if he could do that again? I

35:05

mean, that's the fear, isn't it? He's sort of gone,

35:07

has someone else? But the best

35:09

one, I'll just do a best one as well. Yeah, yeah,

35:12

yeah. I

35:14

went glamping in between

35:17

lockdowns. So it

35:19

was cold. It was like, you know, April or

35:21

something. And I stayed

35:24

in a bed and we had a duvet. And

35:26

my seven-year-old son was with me.

35:29

And my seven-year-old son, he's quite cuddly, but

35:31

he doesn't cuddle me as much as I'd like. And we were

35:33

both so cold that we cuddled each other all night. And it

35:35

was basically... I think I just... Yeah,

35:37

I mean, I feel quite emotional just thinking about it

35:39

now. So I'll have that forever. Yes,

35:42

that forever. Yeah, yeah.

35:45

So mad having a kid and they're a little person

35:48

and you've got all these memories with them and that's forever. Yeah.

35:51

But then it's like they're gone, like those little... So

35:53

whatever, the five-year-old version of him is just gone.

35:55

And you're like, where did he go? He's such a big part

35:57

of my life.

35:58

And I had this eight-year-old and I love him. I love the eight-year-old,

36:00

but

36:01

I love the three-year-old, you know? It's mad.

36:03

It is mad. It's a good dog,

36:04

I suppose. Yeah, I've got a

36:06

cat. Yeah, I've got

36:08

a two-cat. Oh, yes. God,

36:10

I love them. I've shoved my face so far

36:12

in their little fur, and I just say,

36:15

I love you, I love you. And a

36:17

bit much, isn't it? Yeah, a bit much for them, yeah, my brother. I

36:20

love it. Of course I love them so much. I

36:22

can't believe how much I love them. I can't remember

36:24

who told me this. So

36:27

this couple just had a baby, and

36:29

they were like, God, it's hard. You know, it's really hard. And

36:32

this guy just got a dog and went, yeah, I know,

36:34

we're up all night with a dog sometimes, you know? And

36:37

then they just try and express how much they love

36:40

this thing. It's like the love is so

36:42

immense. It's tragic. And the guy was like, it's

36:45

exactly the same as me with my dog. It's

36:47

exactly the same. And then

36:50

they saw him about a month later, and

36:52

they said, oh, where's your dog? I mean, he's really

36:54

blowing up the fact that we love this dog. And

36:56

he said, oh, yeah, I had to give it away.

36:58

It's

37:00

exactly the same.

37:02

That

37:05

sounds

37:05

like a bad thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

37:08

It seems exactly the same. Exactly

37:10

the same. So I think they're competitive. I don't

37:12

love my cats as much as I would have. Well,

37:15

I have to say, I don't, I've had kids and I've

37:17

had dogs, and it's not, the love

37:19

is not that different. Yeah, but the good thing about

37:21

cats is you can leave them with your mate for first

37:23

date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about this already.

37:26

I'm going away and thinking. Sometimes I leave

37:28

the thing early though, because I think I do want to get

37:30

back to the cat. Yeah, you love the cat. Yeah, it

37:33

is. But it's so, I can't say that to

37:35

anyone, because when people

37:35

used to say that about their dog, I felt grow up. I

37:39

think you just have to allow people to think grow up. That's

37:41

the thing. I was the main. Oh, I just

37:43

go, oh,

37:44

I've got a deadline. That deadline is shoving my

37:46

face in my cat. Oh,

37:49

I won't ask you again, but I tell

37:52

you, will it send and

37:53

miss in?

37:56

That was Luke on keys, if you can

37:58

believe. Where

38:01

is Alan de Botaine? No. De

38:04

Botton?

38:04

I love de Botton.

38:06

Can you complete this sentence? If

38:08

someone truly knew me, they would buy

38:10

me a boiler.

38:12

Oh yeah, that's

38:14

lovely. That's lovely. Oh,

38:16

so he did one. Yeah, two of them. This

38:19

is horrible! When have you been at your lowest

38:21

point in life so far? Imagine

38:24

if you got that in a fortune cookie. Thanks

38:26

Alan. He's got

38:28

a dark side, Alan de Botton. He really

38:31

has.

38:31

What is the point of his gun? No, I don't

38:33

know. I put

38:34

them back. You've already said

38:36

in a way because it was the man in the street. Yeah,

38:38

that was pretty bad. Bloody

38:41

hell. Anyway, if

38:43

men are listening, it's quite good that they learn

38:46

that we don't like being a social district. If

38:51

there are any fellas out there listening who

38:53

were going to grab a woman

38:55

in the street and not let her go. We

38:57

are to imagine you're fans of those people.

39:00

No, my favourite person

39:02

that listened to the podcast was, I think I've talked about this

39:04

before, but I love it. We

39:07

were in this underground skate

39:09

park in Bristol. Not underground,

39:11

but like under a bridge, like a makeshift

39:14

DIY skate park. And I was

39:16

very intimidated by the

39:18

skateboarders and then this guy comes up and

39:20

he goes,

39:21

are you Luz Andres? And I said, yeah. And he went, oh,

39:23

me and my Mrs. love cuddle clothes. Oh

39:25

my God. And I loved it so much.

39:28

That's so good. I really relaxed with

39:30

all my safety gear on because

39:32

I felt like a right prune because I'm head to toe

39:35

in safety gear. But you have to be. When I'm clumsy as

39:37

shit and I can't really do it. And then I felt

39:39

like maybe safety is cool.

39:44

Oh, yeah. Do you know this one? Who

39:47

would you

39:48

like to go to? No one's

39:51

going to say me.

39:54

OK, quick one, friend. What's life all

39:56

about?

39:57

You know this, Lou. I do know this.

39:59

But what do you think? What

40:02

do you think? What do

40:04

you think? Well Billy Connolly

40:06

said you

40:08

put on this earth. I said, I'm like,

40:10

that's a fight. It doesn't sound

40:12

like this. It's a fart about

40:15

and don't let anyone tell you any different. That's

40:17

a thing like David Tennant. But I

40:19

think that's something. Do

40:22

some good if you can. If you're forcing

40:24

the fight. Do look for a ring if you're

40:26

going past the trade. I would agree with that. Sometimes

40:30

you forget. It's quite true. Have

40:33

fun. Be kind, have fun.

40:37

Be kind, have fun. Be kind, have

40:39

fun. Be kind, have

40:41

fun. Be kind,

40:43

have fun. You don't have

40:46

to do it in that voice. You've immediately, that's totally

40:48

hashtag be unkind. Thank you. Oh

40:51

my God. It's

40:53

so true. What's that

40:55

I'm evil? What's that

40:58

I'm evil? Oh God. Oh

41:00

dear. There we go. Slap

41:03

myself. No, you

41:05

see

41:05

that's not kind either. I love

41:07

them forgive myself. I love them forgive myself being

41:10

a little

41:10

bit mum. So that's okay. You can be a bit and then go. Looks

41:13

like I'm a Catholic. We all know about

41:15

that. Last minute.

41:19

Yeah, it's amazing that you can say that to

41:21

yourself actually. All things told. Thank

41:24

you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank

41:26

you. Bye.

41:29

So that was a podcast and it was a lovely one at that.

41:32

And I'll leave it there because you've got

41:34

a lot to digest and think about in your own time. Okay,

41:36

thank you for joining me. And more quickly,

41:39

you can listen to her podcast Crushed at

41:41

Celebrating Crushed and to Unrequited Love.

41:44

And I'll be your last name and I'll go and talk to her

41:46

about that weirdly. Bye.

41:59

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