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This episode has brought you by Mc Donald's not

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My name is Tiffany. Had his. Are

2:03

you. Had. The Zebra rated

2:05

about. He.

2:19

Will. Pay

2:33

their welcome to gonna brain needs friend

2:35

podcasts author who that gives gives and

2:37

gives sitting here with Saddam Assess in

2:39

his own a high and of course

2:42

Mad Gourley. what's up Juice or while?

2:44

Say something. I am a juicer here

2:46

to put an orange and mean you

2:49

will get that sweet sweet sweet nectar

2:51

of of the gods. I am very

2:53

happy phone and a good mood these

2:55

days. You know I just saw at

2:58

Bordeaux putting them makes in he was

3:00

connecting them before we got started. Italy.

3:02

Reporters have like a little thing on their

3:04

mike that says. Yes, Will sign

3:07

it's yeah, Yeah, so Npr? yeah And I was

3:09

thinking, would we ever have that? Will we ever

3:11

have a little. You. Know Conrad brain

3:13

needs a friend signage and then I started

3:15

thinking like are no around the little microphone

3:17

part of but then follow this I started

3:20

thinking why does it have to be that?

3:22

will it be cool If it said Nasa

3:24

on our toes considered a mean I liked

3:26

it like there's no reason for small. Nasa

3:28

may complain but I don't think they're going

3:31

to want that lawsuit. She also distress in

3:33

white sleep button ups with black ties. Spike

3:35

Lee? talk about sigh Yes, that's the bad

3:37

heart. We still talk the same old gibberish

3:40

and bullshit that we always talk but were

3:42

wearing. A white coats and that says Nasa

3:44

but we're just talking and Quinoa pp. All

3:46

three of us gets laptops out how get

3:48

a buzz cut the I was if you

3:50

want. To look, you're not seeing anything about

3:52

this is there's still what I think. It's

3:54

just. Be a cool look on line and people would

3:57

see it and they'd be a moment of i should

3:59

probably pay attention. it's. Because

4:01

I grew up with a real reverence for

4:03

Nasa, you probably did to us, it's Nasa

4:05

I didn't I remembered my. Was

4:09

you don't believe in space t. I don't think

4:11

space even exists. Yeah, you're a Flat

4:13

Earth or I you think the world ends

4:15

in Glendale. Glendale

4:18

has just a drop one I can

4:20

you to bring up some video of

4:22

like a Rocket Sector Years and the

4:24

yeah her and you'll and I'm not

4:26

kidding I would say something with telemetry

4:28

I would say here's what I'm saying.

4:30

Class Size Follow me on this little

4:32

sign ensure that says Nasa Yeah We

4:35

dress as if which I met real

4:37

things behind us. There's that big flattened

4:39

out globe that has over so lemon

4:41

tree growth of reentry and. Is going up

4:43

people are gonna stop. And. Are going to

4:45

think I gonna check this out as important?

4:47

Yeah and then I'm since and then it's

4:49

going to be us you know taught it

4:51

was so not on some celebrity that see

4:53

use the bathroom just after you know you

4:55

know I mean that's have those kind of

4:58

stories that you tell their awful later. You're

5:00

making it seem as if people are like

5:02

flipping through channels. Where are they can see

5:04

as the this is an audio museum and

5:06

also I do you tube. Male level

5:08

one behind likely, this is great on

5:11

us, so Madison use the bathroom recently

5:13

to scepter Wink Martindale had been in.

5:16

Martindale once or have all the celebrities.

5:18

oh I'm sorry you're probably going to

5:20

want some new reference like ghosts Kill

5:22

Him The G O up were getting

5:25

a blast off right now. This is

5:27

exactly. What Nasa would be watching. This

5:29

is so close that spray by

5:31

you tube video you don't I

5:33

love, I love, I probably search.

5:35

Nat Limited describes the audio audience.

5:37

Imagine that were wearing white coats.

5:39

A Subtle has just once. I

5:41

think I'm on to something where

5:43

yes and people seem to enjoy

5:45

our brand of foolishness. Podcast is

5:47

doing very well. Big podcast, but

5:49

we do little things like that

5:51

every now and then and why

5:53

not it seems, is it up.

5:56

I think it's totally fine to impersonate

5:58

government employees. how can we got No,

6:01

no, we have to take this off because Matt

6:03

is just watching the solid

6:05

booster rocket separation. You

6:07

better take it off Eduardo. It's a child watching

6:10

blueing. Yeah. Did you

6:12

put on the James Bond? No, nothing

6:14

more. You have such a 60s

6:16

version of what NASA people look like.

6:19

We should have white cut. Yeah. Have

6:22

you watched them recently? They're all tatted up. Yeah, they're

6:24

cool. I mean, that's a favorite before.

6:27

Now I think it's all SpaceX and stuff.

6:29

What is NASA up to these days? The

6:31

minute when they said, we're going to the

6:33

moon again, I thought, huh? They're rovering. They're

6:35

doing the rover. Oh, oh, oh. He

6:39

has an erection. Well, solid

6:41

rocket booster ignition. All right.

6:43

Take off. They just,

6:45

actually something cool is they just re-contacted

6:48

Voyager 1. It

6:50

was sending gobbledygook and then they fixed

6:52

it and now it's sending back everybody

6:55

through. I had an uncle like

6:57

that. I had an uncle like that. He was speaking complete

6:59

gibberish. We wrote him off and then he came around and

7:02

he started talking sensibly again. And they did that. And

7:04

it's a- Turned out it was too much

7:06

zinc in his pudding. It's the furthest man-made

7:09

object. It's the farthest thing

7:11

we've ever, humans have ever sent

7:13

billions of miles away. I'm glad you're not

7:15

a spokesperson. Yeah. Can

7:17

you imagine Blay as a spokesperson for NASA? Okay, today

7:19

we just sent the farthest. I mean, it's

7:21

such a far. You wouldn't know

7:24

it's a thing that goes out,

7:26

but it's that, sir, can you tell

7:28

us, please be specific. He was sending us gobbledygook.

7:30

He was sending us gobbledygook

7:32

and now I'm explaining it in gobbledygook.

7:36

Yeah, this Voyager 1 was just sending us

7:38

a lot of BS, but now it's way,

7:40

way out there. It's really groovy. Anyway,

7:43

I thought by invoking NASA,

7:46

we could assume sort

7:48

of more of a serious mantle. Maybe people would take us a

7:50

little more seriously and it would make the comedy really pop. I

7:54

think that would only work if we just stopped talking. If

7:57

we just didn't talk and just sat here looking

7:59

like NASA. The record, the mama we do talk

8:01

it is this. A lot of poo. Give it

8:03

a try to talk like Nasa? Yes yes

8:05

sir that so know what surgery or nassau

8:08

go away with summer coming away to and

8:10

ass and outta here with saw. Where

8:13

was? That looks

8:15

technical and we're cutting away

8:17

to Rocket Propulsion Specialist Doctor

8:19

Sona Most I think you.

8:22

Mr. O'brien is where we'd We

8:25

just wanna make sure the trajectory

8:27

of our reentry is penetrating the

8:29

atmosphere. I just the right through

8:32

I saw her and we have

8:34

a orbit. Yes we better how many

8:36

orbits do with my oven or have all the

8:38

way to orbits or your time of the occipital.

8:40

or but if only I only. Have. We

8:42

have that the we do the

8:45

orbit and then there's there's a

8:47

dwarf planet that is pluto. We

8:49

call them limit horse and ninety cents. You

8:51

never know nothing about them. Our I: that's

8:53

what our research has been know it's still

8:56

a plan and illegal about wireless with it

8:58

and not a planet anymore. Would isn't Pluto.

9:00

Flynn I'm not a planet and okay, I

9:02

could care less. What do you work

9:04

in Nassau without doing All know said.

9:06

Early it now so I'm still celebrity

9:09

obsessed. Conan O'brien's with the latest on

9:11

those Space Scylla his own voice as

9:13

I got you All Right Rap?

9:15

That's a Hard Rock because no one

9:18

knows what's going on out there.

9:20

more than me. I know about wraps.

9:22

We still space killer. What was

9:24

he in Wu Tang? That's why it

9:26

would. I'm.

9:29

Going to go with more believable sona

9:31

nasa than you wrap guy. Yeah,

9:33

I better impersonating you

9:36

are. Pretending. To know

9:38

pop culture. That takes us. I

9:40

just came back from a a

9:42

Vanilla Ice concert. Where

9:45

I was I was there with Ghostface Killah

9:47

with him he uses with you with her

9:49

you like in the audience together? yes okay

9:51

her son on his shoulders. mention of the

9:53

sports guy with the oh yes someone's got

9:56

the ball and they're not given it back.

9:58

Get ready for some hot as. as

10:00

these men put on tight shoes and

10:02

run around getting grins from the people.

10:06

This is the worst opening ever. I'm

10:08

writing down worst. Opening.

10:12

You know what's good? You know what I think is

10:15

the good thing about a terrible opening? A

10:17

terrible opening means we'll never go this low again.

10:20

And now we can, you know when you touch

10:22

the bottom of the pool and you push back

10:24

up again? You okay, Sona?

10:26

What's the matter? He

10:28

went so much effort and then he

10:31

stopped. He went into a like

10:33

a sugar crash. I

10:37

also like, can I say one thing? Long

10:39

after, minutes after we turned off

10:41

the screen that was showing the NASA footage,

10:43

I swear to God. I'll

10:45

do an impression. Gorley wasn't

10:48

talking, but was still looking at

10:50

this blank screen waiting

10:52

for something else to come. I'm just elsewhere. Yeah,

10:56

you're elsewhere in the best way. Anywhere,

10:58

but here. I'm actually crying. You are

11:00

crying. Oh my God. Don't be sad.

11:02

It's all fine. Now you can go home

11:05

to Altadena now. Just don't drive too far

11:07

or Ahhh! Hahaha!

11:11

The face of the earth. Peace out.

11:13

All right, my guest today. My

11:16

guest today is an Emmy award-winning actress and comedian

11:18

who has starred in such movies as Girl's Trip

11:20

and Haunted Mansion. Now she

11:22

has a new memoir titled I

11:24

Curse You with Joy. That's a great title.

11:26

I Curse You with Joy. Very excited. She's

11:28

here with us today. You

11:40

have a problem with my skin. You walked in

11:42

the door. First of all, I don't

11:45

have a problem with your skin. Okay.

11:47

I love your skin color. You are

11:49

multi-colored. Okay. Hahaha! Beautiful,

11:52

beautiful colors. You are

11:54

the color of every human on this

11:56

planet. Okay, you got

11:58

all the colors. I'm just... Concerned

12:00

about how dry yeah, yeah,

12:03

it is it has it looks like I could scratch

12:05

the side of your hand It's game would just flake

12:07

off. Yeah, and that tells me you don't

12:09

have lotion in your bathroom No, we don't

12:11

have lotion you need moisturize my life moisturizes

12:13

all the time, and I won't do it

12:15

It's just not in my nature to moisturize.

12:17

I've got like chicken claws I bet when

12:20

you touch her it feels like just a

12:22

cat's tongue all over her Tiffany

12:26

Tiffany is been so long But

12:29

I can't remember no she keeps me

12:31

away because every now and then I'm

12:33

feeling a little randy Yeah,

12:35

and I'm like hey Liza, and I put

12:37

up these claws, and it's over right Yeah, we'll

12:39

not get down to touch me Yeah, don't touch

12:41

me See you do you put the soap

12:43

right there next to this faucet and right

12:46

next to that soap there should be some

12:48

hand lotion Okay, we got you wash your hand

12:50

we get on this and a little bit of

12:52

hand lotion And then that way you'll

12:54

be moisturized and she'll want you to touch her

12:58

I don't know There

13:02

are other barriers and with all these multi colors

13:04

of skin that you have you need to

13:06

preserve it It is the

13:09

United colors. You know every human

13:11

for a funny. We did

13:13

a travel show and I

13:15

went to Haiti remember this I went to Haiti

13:17

and all these beautiful Children

13:20

in Haiti and afterwards they

13:22

would have been like about I don't know 10 11 And

13:25

I was wearing a short sleeve shirt and

13:28

afterwards they gather round and they're all looking

13:30

at my arm all the freckles Mm-hmm, and

13:32

they were looking at me, and they looked

13:34

up at me like are you going to

13:36

be okay? Probably

13:40

were amazed like he's a kaleidoscope of

13:42

color everything. He's so many things.

13:44

How are you? I'm pretty damn good.

13:46

Yeah, happy. Yeah, you look beautiful.

13:48

Thank you. I watched today and

13:51

moisturize and put on some paint

13:54

Of painting myself for you today. Well.

13:56

I did not moisturize as you can tell I try

13:58

to be cute for you, man my friend. Oh

14:00

thank you so much. Even though you don't call me or

14:02

come to any of my events or and I don't have

14:05

your phone number but it's cool. Well

14:07

I do call. You're not me.

14:10

Your people told me to stop calling. You haven't

14:12

called me though. No, well you're hard to get

14:15

to. But I thought I gave you my number

14:17

the last time I saw you. I don't think

14:19

you did. You did not give me digits

14:21

because I always text with people that give

14:23

me digits. Well. You did not give me

14:25

digits and I think you started to and

14:27

then you saw a pile of dry skin

14:29

around my feet. And then it was five

14:31

five five five five five five five five

14:33

five. Which is way too many. So

14:35

much to talk about. First of all I want

14:37

to congratulate you on your book I

14:40

Curse You With Joy. How long are you working on

14:42

this book for? I've been working on the book for

14:44

about well. I mean it's your life. It's your life.

14:46

Yeah I've been working on it for

14:48

44 years. Yeah. But can still like

14:50

actually working on the book actively

14:53

working on it. It's been three years. Yeah.

14:55

Some people write a book and you think

14:57

okay some stuff's happened in their life. You

14:59

write a book and I feel

15:01

like everything's happened in your life. No not

15:03

everything. I haven't like money hasn't been like dropped

15:06

upon me and like raining.

15:08

Okay well that's hundreds of dollars. It's

15:10

just raining on me. And I'm just

15:12

like I haven't like swam

15:14

like Scrooge McDuck and

15:16

corn. Okay that's coming.

15:21

That's coming. That's the goal. But I love that you

15:23

said I want to be bathed in hundreds of dollars.

15:25

You've got to aim higher than hundreds of dollars. I

15:27

mean we could do that today. Yeah. Like yeah. Go

15:29

out get $300. I'll be right back. Make it rain.

15:36

Make it rain. But I

15:39

mean there's obviously some dark stuff. There's

15:42

so much funny stuff in

15:44

your book. It really is a testament to

15:46

like you're here. You are so funny and

15:48

it's kind of a gift that you're

15:50

letting people see how you got to this point. Yeah

15:53

well you know I feel like there's no manual

15:55

on how to be a star. Right. Which

15:57

I wish there was like a proper etiquette on how to be

15:59

a star. how to do interviews, proper etiquette on

16:01

how to behave at award shows or how

16:04

to behave at this thing or that event.

16:06

There's no rule books. So it's like,

16:09

okay, I'm just going to be me.

16:11

And this is my way of saying these

16:14

are the ups and downs of what I've

16:16

experienced and I've learned some valuable lessons and

16:18

some of them were hard, but here's the funny

16:21

in it, here's the joy in it. You've

16:23

proved this thing that I've always thought about,

16:25

which is if you have a certain ability,

16:27

it's going to hit you one way

16:29

or the other, no matter what you're immersed in. I

16:32

didn't know that you were a Jehovah's Witness. I

16:34

wasn't baptized. I wasn't actually. You weren't baptized.

16:36

But I was around it. You were around it.

16:38

I wasn't inducted. I didn't have

16:40

like a blood card or anything, but definitely. Well,

16:43

if someone with a blood card, I can tell

16:45

you. But you had the... You have

16:47

a blood card? No, I don't. I stole it. I

16:49

get a lot of blood cards. I

16:51

just take them. You

16:53

were around it and there's a

16:56

performance aspect to being a Jehovah's

16:58

Witness. You

17:01

were doing that and thinking, I like this part of

17:03

it. Then you

17:05

started to say, oh, there's

17:07

another way to do this. There's

17:09

another application. It's called Comedy Club. The

17:14

nickel drops for you there. You took that

17:16

experience and said, wait a minute, I really

17:18

love this part of it. You knew from

17:20

a fairly early age, I like being in

17:22

front of people. I love being in front

17:24

of people. I love making them laugh. I

17:26

love sharing information that it could

17:28

be true. It could not be true. I'm not sure.

17:31

But they're enjoying it. Like bringing

17:33

people joy is like my favorite thing in the

17:35

world. Even like if I'm walking down the street

17:38

and I see somebody coming, you see them and they're like,

17:40

got that sour face and they look like they're having the

17:42

most horrible day. I'll smile at them like super big and

17:44

they're like, they kind of like smirk

17:46

back. And then it's so funny because you can hear

17:48

them like 10 steps later. Like, was that Tiffany Haddish?

17:52

That's really nice. And then like change their

17:54

mood. You know, I just I love being

17:56

able to do that in a positive way.

17:58

That's really, I mean. I

18:00

smile like that at strangers and they get

18:02

creeped out. Well, opposite of that. Always

18:05

have. You're a giant, so. I know. You

18:07

know, you mentioned there's so much to talk about. I'm going to jump all over

18:10

the map, but I love... I've always been

18:12

a little obsessed with the movie Face Off, and recently

18:14

I watched it again and we showed it to my

18:16

son, and he was like,

18:18

oh my God, this is Face Off,

18:20

Nicolas Cage, John Travolta. You have in

18:22

your book this insane story, and you

18:24

have a very intimate connection to the

18:27

movie Face Off. Yes, yes, my

18:29

first orgasm. Because

18:35

of the movie or just circumstantially? Not because of

18:37

the... it's circumstantially. You know how sometimes you're hooking

18:39

up with somebody and that's in the back, like a movie's

18:41

in the background? Face Off is always on.

18:44

It's not. Great. Were you... so it was

18:46

on TV? No, it was in a movie

18:48

theater. Oh, for Christ's sake. It was in

18:50

a movie theater. You broke Conan. You're

18:54

in the theater. I'm in the theater, and

18:57

it was barely anybody there. It was the

18:59

last show of the night, and it was

19:02

nobody in there, and me and I was on a

19:04

date, and me and this guy were at the back of

19:06

the theater, and we're making out and stuff, and then he

19:08

starts feeling round, little fiddly diddly-dee. You

19:10

know, little fiddly... Diddly diddly-dee. Little

19:12

fiddly diddly-dee. Fiddly diddly-dee. If you kids

19:14

out there are listening, that's a little

19:16

nursery rhyme for you. I know, and

19:19

now I should like to perform fiddly

19:21

diddly-dee on you. So,

19:23

okay, and then... And, you know,

19:25

I'm enjoying it, eyes closed, and then I'm

19:27

feeling this like crazy sensation through my body,

19:29

and I open my eyes, and it's like

19:32

Nicholas Cage eyes is looking in the mouth.

19:34

Oh! Yes, like this, like, uh!

19:36

And I'm like, uh! Whoa!

19:39

So you have your first orgasm, and you're

19:42

looking at a giant Nicholas Cage face. That's

19:44

complicated. Yes, an eyeball. The most beautiful eyes

19:46

I've ever seen. But it's

19:48

actually John Travolta who you're looking at. That's the weird

19:50

thing, right? Okay, don't take it down. Oh, can you

19:53

see? No, no. Not in that

19:55

part of the movie. Okay, okay. Jesus Christ. You're...

19:57

Just going by the film, which I think is

19:59

important. Yeah, sure. That's what we're all

20:01

focusing on right now. Of course, it is very...

20:03

There may be a John Travolta face in this

20:06

Nicholas Cage. But whatever it was, it was here.

20:08

Who for one? Definitely his eyeball. I have got

20:10

to get out of this side alley and back

20:12

onto the highway. Cut to many years later,

20:15

okay? Many, many years later, I'm

20:17

shooting a movie with Nicholas Cage. Oh my God.

20:19

And it's during the pandemic,

20:22

and so he's wearing his mask, and all

20:24

I'm seeing is those eyes, okay? And I

20:26

know my lines, I know my stuff, but

20:29

I am so... Like, my brain is going

20:31

back to that moment. Sure. Like,

20:33

I'm remembering all of that moment, and I

20:35

need to be focused on right now. And

20:37

I was having the hardest time

20:39

focusing on right now, because my...

20:42

Like, it's like, oh man,

20:44

those are the eyes. Those are the eyes

20:46

we saw. And it's like, stop it, buddy.

20:48

Stop it, mind. Like, focus on this. They're

20:50

paying us millions of dollars to be here right now,

20:54

and I'm like having the hardest time, and then I

20:56

just had to tell them. You

20:58

told him. I was like, this is probably the most

21:00

inappropriate thing. Like, it was no way for me

21:02

to like... Like, I couldn't function. I couldn't communicate.

21:04

I couldn't do my job. And I

21:06

was just like, yo, I got to tell you something. It's

21:08

very inappropriate. I probably shouldn't tell you

21:11

at all, but I'm not going to be

21:13

able to do my job if I don't tell you. And

21:16

you might be offended by it. I don't know, but I got

21:19

to tell you. And so he was

21:21

like, all right, Carl, what's going on? Oh,

21:24

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh,

21:26

yeah. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. And

21:29

I tell him the story, and he

21:31

burst out laughing. And he was

21:33

like, you know what's crazy? It was my first wife.

21:35

She saw me in the movie, and she said, that's

21:37

going to be my husband one day. And we ended up getting

21:40

married. I said, well, I'm going to tell you right now, I

21:42

ain't no fiddling no beans up again. I'm fiddling,

21:44

fiddling, fiddling. OK. That's

21:46

not going to be happening over here, but I just

21:48

needed to tell you that so that I could do

21:51

my freaking job. And then once I was

21:53

able to get that off my chest, it was like,

21:55

OK, now we can get to work. You are so

21:58

delightfully. And we became. friends

22:00

like we became friends and it's so funny cuz all the

22:02

other cast members like how'd you get him that he talks

22:04

to you all the time he's so cool with you he

22:07

doesn't talk to us and like he would give me money

22:09

advice and tell me about like this is the ups and

22:11

downs of the business and this and that and all these

22:13

different things I met his fiance at the time we talked

22:15

on the phone I speak Japanese so I was able to

22:17

talk to her a little bit and so like we became

22:19

like really cool and everybody's like how'd you do it what

22:21

did you say to him I was like I just told

22:23

him a story about my experience and we've

22:25

been cool ever since and like he's mean I'm like

22:27

he's not mean he is a nice person he is

22:29

a cool person yeah well that's not what we're experienced

22:31

I'm like what you don't today's

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episode is brought to you by Cap'n

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BetterHelp, HELP.None

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com slash Conan. You

27:27

are so frank about sex

27:29

and its role in your

27:31

life. It amazes me

27:34

that when you were growing up, your mom did

27:37

a lot ... To prevent

27:39

it. To prevent ... Well, to actively

27:41

discourage you from having anything to do

27:44

with the opposite sex. She

27:46

told you some intensely crazy stuff. Yeah.

27:49

Very crazy. She told

27:51

me that ... Okay, so we was watching

27:53

this soap opera, right? We was

27:55

watching this soap opera, the girls in the bed with the man and

27:57

stuff. I'm like, what are they doing? What are they doing? She's

27:59

like ... She said, oh, that's what you do to make

28:01

a baby. I said, oh, I'm going to do that. She's

28:03

like, no, you're not. Not till you're 21. I'm like, well,

28:05

why? And she said, well, you

28:08

have to get your vaccine first. First, you got to get

28:10

vaccinated. I was like, what do you mean? She said, you got

28:12

to get the shot. I

28:14

was like, what shot? She said, look,

28:16

boys have this stuff. She

28:19

said they got enzymes in their mouth, right? And

28:21

if you kiss a boy, the

28:24

enzymes in their mouth, if you don't have your vaccine,

28:26

it's going to eat your face up, right?

28:28

And you're going to die with that 24 hours, right?

28:32

And they got this stuff that shoots out their

28:34

pee pee that looked like snot. And if that

28:36

gets inside your baby carriage, then it's going to

28:38

like eat your inside. So it's going to kill

28:40

your baby carriage. Your legs going to fall off.

28:43

All this bad stuff. You're going to die in

28:45

three days. And so. It's like the ring. You

28:47

know? It's like. It would be a great

28:49

scary movie. Great scary movie. And so I

28:52

went to school, and my friend Amber was kissing

28:54

his boy. And I was crying. I was like,

28:56

oh my god. You're going to

28:59

die. You're going to die. Oh my

29:01

god. You're going to die.

29:04

And she's like, Amber's like, what is wrong with you? You

29:06

know, like, and I'm giving you the abbreviated version. In the

29:08

book, it's much more detailed. But I get

29:10

home, and I'm crying. And my mom's like, what you

29:12

crying about? And I'm like, Amber is kissing this

29:14

boy. Is she going to die? Is it us? Is

29:16

it us? Is she going to die? She was like,

29:18

she is not going to die. See, her parents knew she was

29:20

going to be a host, so they got the shot for her

29:23

early. She

29:25

got the shot early. She got vaccinated early. Because

29:28

they knew she was going to be a host. So

29:30

for years. Are you a host?

29:34

If so, we have a medication for you. So

29:36

for years, I was under the impression that all these,

29:38

like, I would see these girls kissing boys at school

29:40

and stuff. And I'm like, she a host, y'all. That's

29:42

all they are. Like, you know, they're

29:44

not 21 yet. They're not vaccinated. Or

29:47

she probably got the shot early. Her parents knew she was

29:49

going to be a host. And I used to say little stuff like

29:51

that, like, your family knew you was a host. Like, you know, just

29:53

say little stuff like that. And

29:55

when we got a health class, health class,

29:57

and they're talking about all the different STDs.

30:00

you can get and then I'm like, excuse me, excuse

30:02

me, what about the... The

30:04

enzymes in the mouth, the

30:06

baby carriage. Yeah. And then

30:08

the teacher tells me to explain this and I

30:10

explained it and everybody in the class busted up

30:12

laughing and he's like, Tiffany, I think

30:15

you need to talk to your mom again. I think you need

30:17

to talk to, you know, you need to have a conversation because

30:19

this is not, you know, because I was like, what about

30:21

the sperm disease? What about that? What about

30:23

the sperm disease? And it was, you know, and

30:25

he didn't like tell me I was wrong, but

30:27

he said, you should talk to your parents, right? So

30:30

I couldn't really talk to my mom at that point because she didn't

30:32

have the accident and all this stuff that happened. So, you

30:35

know, I mentioned it to my social worker. The social worker

30:37

is like, well, I don't know

30:40

if that's correct, but I like the

30:42

way she's like, it's interesting.

30:44

Okay. She kind of

30:46

appreciated where it's coming from. Coming

30:48

from a place of caution. Yeah, a place of caution.

30:51

But once I found out like that's not a thing,

30:53

then I was like, okay. And then

30:55

I was trying to kiss boys and trying to, you know,

30:57

get in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,

30:59

yeah, yeah. Get it in. Yeah.

31:02

Because I didn't want to die of no man in

31:04

Jaina. No man in my vagina. I want to have

31:06

an experience before I thought no man in Jaina. I

31:09

didn't realize that was a fatal disease.

31:14

No man in Jaina? Wow. Because

31:16

when people at school get men in Jainas, that's

31:18

for like making out with people or whatever, you know? And

31:20

I was like, well, I don't want to die of no

31:22

man in Jaina. That

31:25

was something I made up

31:28

in. I don't know if I put that part in the

31:30

book. I don't think I did because I thought it was

31:32

too silly. But it's going in now. You

31:34

know, you had some people tell you early on when

31:36

you were doing stand up, maybe not

31:38

so much sex talk. Yeah. And

31:41

then you got some good advice. Yes. From

31:43

Bob Saget. Bob Saget. Yes. Who

31:46

told me that was like the first white man, probably one of the few white

31:48

men that was like, be who you are. Be yourself.

31:50

Don't listen to everybody. If you feel

31:52

comfortable doing it, do that. Do

31:55

what feels right for you. Yeah. And

31:57

that was like that was a huge.

32:00

That was my big brother. I love him very much. He's like

32:03

a big brother to me. The

32:05

fact that he told me to be myself.

32:08

So used to people trying to tell me to be different,

32:10

be something else. For him to

32:12

say, now this is full house dad.

32:14

He's telling me, be who you are.

32:16

Fuck them. Talk about what you want

32:19

to talk about and do you. It'll

32:21

pay off in the long run. There were

32:23

so many people who thought when

32:25

you blew up that, oh, you

32:27

just showed up and it happened.

32:30

I didn't realize that it was

32:32

a long road. It's the 1900s. 1996,

32:37

1997. I was always so

32:39

confused trying to figure out how do I be

32:41

me. Also figuring out who am I

32:44

and why don't I get the

32:47

notoriety I should get and why am I not

32:49

getting the opportunities and why do all these guys

32:51

get all this stuff. I talked about that

32:54

in the book where I put that prosthetic penis in my

32:56

panties. When

32:58

you're on stage. Yeah. When

33:00

I walked up to the club and just like walking around with

33:02

a like a limp dick in my drawers. Because

33:07

I felt like, you know, these guys respect guys. They

33:09

don't really respect women. And it's like, it's really like

33:12

hard to get on as a woman. And

33:14

I don't know. I don't know if I walked different,

33:16

if my energy was different, but then they started like

33:18

respecting me and started like talking to me and giving

33:20

me hugs and saying, hey, why don't you do this?

33:22

Can you do a book my shirt? Can you do this show over

33:24

here with me? I'm booking this show. You want to

33:27

get on? And I was like, oh man, having a dick

33:29

in my drawers really is like making a difference. Like

33:31

this is maybe this is a boy's club. And

33:33

then I like it. Stop

33:35

wearing the penis, but kept that same kind of

33:38

energy. Like that's unbelievable. It's believable. If

33:40

you want to, when you give me a number, I can text

33:42

you a picture of it. I'm

33:44

writing it down right now. It's

33:48

much like your color. I

33:51

wouldn't think I wouldn't

33:54

think that would be a popular color for

33:56

a prosthetic penis and freckled. Really?

33:59

Speckled. It's a world

34:01

penis. Well,

34:06

I may already have one. We'll

34:08

talk about that later, but that's unbelievable to me that

34:11

... Because I know there was

34:13

a period of time where you're in the

34:15

background of television shows. Yeah. You're

34:17

a background ... Background extra. What

34:20

kind of shows are we talking about? We're talking

34:22

about like Hannah Montana. I

34:24

did background work on Dazzle Raven before I was

34:26

cast on Dazzle Raven. Country,

34:29

Hill, what else would

34:31

I do? Background work on a bunch of stuff. Do you

34:33

ever look at those shows and you can look for yourself?

34:35

Yeah. I could see myself in it. I

34:37

wanted to do a show about that. Who's in the background

34:39

or whatever? Before they were celebrities, where

34:41

were they? What were they doing? I feel like I've

34:44

met so many celebrities that have done little things like

34:46

that. Just to get familiar with

34:48

the set, it was really important to me to

34:50

do extra work just to understand how everything worked.

34:52

I even did ... I worked in the sound

34:54

department for a little bit just to learn

34:56

how ... Because my

34:59

goal is to one day maybe own

35:01

a studio, maybe be in charge of

35:03

the whole production. I need

35:05

to know what everybody's job is so that I'm not

35:07

expecting too much from them. I need to know ...

35:09

If they're not doing their job, then I know like,

35:11

hey, you're not on your shit. It's

35:13

clear this is why. Because I did it. I did that

35:15

job. Yeah, I did that job. I know what you're supposed

35:17

to do. First of all, you are going to do that.

35:20

Anything you say you're going to do, I'm down

35:22

with it. I just think that's going to happen.

35:24

Yeah, it'll happen. I think so many things happen

35:27

just through incredibly hard work and

35:29

talent. Yeah, not quitting. I don't

35:31

quit. I'm not a quitter. Especially if it's a vision that

35:33

I could see in my mind's eye, I'm like, it's going

35:35

to happen. When? I

35:38

don't know. But I'm going to make it happen. That's

35:40

important too, when I don't know. Because I think a lot of people

35:42

get impatient and think, I'm going to make this happen. It's going to

35:44

happen. No, no, no. You got to give

35:46

up to a greater power, whatever that means to you, that

35:48

I'm not in charge of when it happens, but it's going

35:50

to happen. Yeah, I'm going to help facilitate it so I

35:53

do something every day towards it. I'm going

35:55

to do something in that realm. When I worked at the youth

35:57

center and I was in charge of activities, I'm like, I'm going

35:59

to get the— them to do all the things that I

36:01

always wanted to do and what's in the entertainment

36:03

room. So we would like sit in the audience

36:05

at TV shows and I would be learning how

36:07

the cameras work, learning how this works, see how

36:10

they tape and film sitcoms. I

36:14

would take them snowboarding and surfing

36:16

and riding horses and all the

36:18

things like these are the kind of movies

36:20

I'm going to make. I want to snowboard in a movie.

36:22

I want to surf in a movie. I'm a black gidget.

36:24

You know, I'm riding horses. I'm going to ride horses. I'm

36:26

going to ride horses. When

36:29

I first met you, I yelled, black gidget. I

36:32

remember that. And I got in trouble, remember? That

36:35

is you. You said one of your

36:37

favorite movies or a movie that influenced you a lot

36:39

was Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Yes. Why?

36:42

Well, because first of all, that was my first time ever

36:45

seeing like people in cartoons

36:47

together and one thing. And

36:49

it was, I think, a great story. Also,

36:51

it was like it gave me great ideas. Like

36:53

when a detective says to the rabbit, why are

36:56

all these people doing these nice things for you?

36:58

He said, because I make them laugh, Eddie, if you make people laugh,

37:00

they'll do anything for you. And at

37:02

that point in time in my life, I barely could read.

37:05

I was having a hard time in school. I'm

37:07

having a hard time functioning just in general. I'm

37:09

like taking care of my sisters and brothers. I'm

37:12

stressed out to the max. And I'm like, that's the ticket.

37:14

That's what I'll do. I'll get that's how I'll make friends.

37:16

That's how I'll get people to help me. I'll make them

37:19

laugh and they'll do anything for me. That

37:22

is the way that I was able to make it through

37:24

junior high and high school and elementary, all that.

37:27

It was like, I'm going to make friends by making them

37:29

laugh. Not to take it down, but people do need to

37:31

know what you went through.

37:33

Your dad walks out at, how old are

37:35

you when you were- Three. Jesus.

37:38

Yeah. Yeah. I

37:40

mean- And you later reestablished a relationship with him for a time. Yeah. And

37:43

then he passed. Yeah. And then your mom had

37:45

this accident. How old were you when she had

37:47

the accident? I was like eight, about to be nine. And

37:50

it was a bad car accident. Really bad. And

37:52

it changed her personality. Changed who

37:55

she was. I like lost the love of

37:57

my life. But she was there. was

38:00

there, but she wasn't there. I

38:02

don't know if a demon got in here.

38:04

I don't know what got inside of her,

38:06

but it wasn't my mom anymore. And she

38:08

became violent and verbally abusive. And it was

38:10

like, I just want my mommy back. But

38:12

I loved her so much. This is the

38:14

first person I ever loved in my whole

38:17

life. This is the first person I ever loved. So I'm

38:19

going to do whatever I can to try to help her,

38:21

try to heal her, whatever. She was

38:24

so mean to me and I wanted to fight her all

38:26

the time because I wish she would have died, but I didn't

38:28

really want her to die. It's fucking

38:30

hard because who is this lady

38:32

in my mama body? Because it

38:34

ain't my mama. I can't think

38:36

of anything more confusing to a

38:38

kid than my mom's still here,

38:41

but she is not my

38:43

mom the way I knew

38:45

her. And because of

38:47

this injury, that's not who she is anymore.

38:49

Right. And I didn't understand that, the injury.

38:51

I didn't understand. There's a lot of things.

38:54

I was young, right? And I'm just,

38:56

I was just like,

38:58

take your medicine, like get better. Why don't you,

39:01

why don't you let me in to take care

39:03

of yourself? Like, yeah, yeah. Fix yourself, get things

39:05

like, give me my mommy back. But

39:08

it don't work like that. No. But

39:10

I'm glad that I've been able to do

39:12

all the things that I'm able to do and made

39:14

enough money to get her the best help, the

39:17

best doctors, the best nutrition, the best of the

39:19

best. Does she understand the

39:21

scale of your success? I don't

39:23

think, I know she knows I'm successful.

39:25

I don't think she realizes like that

39:28

I'm international sensation. Well,

39:32

you are. I mean, in that

39:34

people care about me. They do. I

39:36

didn't realize people cared about me the way they

39:38

do until I got arrested for DUI and it

39:41

was on CNN and

39:43

PBS and the Korean news. I

39:45

mean, there's no excuse now for studios

39:47

to say, she's not international. Oh, yes. Oh,

39:51

yes, I am international. They're talking about

39:53

me in Korea. They're

39:57

talking about me on the BBC. about

40:00

me all over the world. They talking about

40:02

my ass in Iceland, baby. I am, I

40:04

am an anti-master. There

40:06

are three people in the Antarctic right now.

40:08

It's like, did you see what happened at

40:11

this man's Beverly Hills? Like I

40:13

am important. Like I have

40:15

to find the positive in everything. Like that's like

40:17

my mission. You just had a gusher of positivity

40:19

right there. That was fantastic. I mean, if you

40:21

Google right now, Google right now, famous black

40:23

women arrested for DUI. When I

40:26

first Googled it, it was just me and Josephine

40:28

Baker. Now, Glorilla kind of come up on me.

40:30

And I'm going to tell you, I know for

40:32

a fact, there

40:37

are a lot of famous women that have been arrested

40:39

for DUI, but nobody is talking about it because don't

40:41

nobody care about it. People

40:43

care about me. Okay. They care.

40:47

They care if I take a nap in Beverly Hills.

40:51

Eduardo just checked it out. I verified it. Yeah.

40:54

It's something that comes in and you had it.

40:56

Yeah. And it's just me for like two

40:58

pages. Right. And then there's Glorilla. And

41:01

then Glorilla is like, you keep scrolling down.

41:03

Yeah. Yeah. It must be killing her. Right.

41:06

And back in January when I Googled

41:08

it, it was me and just Josephine Baker.

41:10

I said, damn it. I'm a legend. That's good

41:12

company to be in. I'm a legend. That's good.

41:14

Yeah. I got to start my rainbow tribe. Thank

41:16

you. Take

41:21

my answer. France. You

41:23

talk about you did therapy, but

41:33

found that you were just trying material out

41:35

on the therapist. I love that part because

41:37

I completely understand.

41:40

It's like, what do you talk about? Like, I don't know,

41:42

the community that I grew up in, you don't talk about

41:44

your problems. You don't put that, you don't like

41:47

air your family business. So I'm sitting here with

41:49

this therapist and I'm just like, well, let me run these jokes.

41:51

Let me run this. Like, let me run that. Now

41:53

I'm realizing I'm paying money to make this half

41:55

a laugh. This is not cool. But it's not

41:58

going to work for me. But,

42:01

you know, that therapist ended up suggesting that

42:03

I do comedy as a hobby because I

42:05

had stopped because I needed to make a living

42:07

and $25 a show is not making a living. And

42:11

then I started like doing comedy as

42:13

a hobby and immediate, you know, Vargas

42:15

Mason. I know the name. Yeah. Yeah.

42:19

Vargas has been doing comedy forever. He saw me performing on

42:21

this open mic, but I was just, you know, trying it

42:23

out. It's like my first time like getting back like, okay,

42:25

I'm gonna start this hobby. And he's like, you're funny. You should

42:27

do this show with me. We're doing a show. It's

42:30

like a women's conference and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah. He's

42:32

like, yes. 15 minutes. You

42:34

get $50. I was like, I'm there, bro. I am

42:36

so there. And I get there

42:38

and I'm doing my thing and I

42:40

am bombing. I am bombing hard because

42:42

I'm doing like all boyfriend jokes and

42:44

stuff and, and some dick jokes and

42:46

turns out that that whole room was

42:48

lesbian. And they are heckling me. And

42:53

they're like, I got a dick bigger than

42:55

your boyfriend. I'm thinking somewhere. I'm thinking.

42:58

No, I like kids. They have a heartbeat. No

43:06

one told you who's the audience. And I tell

43:08

me nothing. I learned you got to know who

43:10

your audience is. You got to know your audience. And,

43:12

um, and I bombed. I bombed bad, but I stayed

43:14

up there the whole 15 minutes because I wanted

43:17

my $50. And,

43:19

but I wasn't sure if he was going to give

43:21

it to me because I bombed so bad. It was

43:23

so it was bad, bad. Like I felt like a

43:25

piece of meat up there. Just like, oh, this

43:27

is horrible. And I go backstage and I'm

43:29

trying not to cry and he's like, whoa,

43:31

rough room, right? It gives me my

43:33

$50. And I was like, oh, you

43:35

paying me anyways? Oh, I'm doing this

43:38

for the rest of my life. I just got to figure out

43:40

how to get better and better and better. And that's what I've

43:42

been doing ever since getting better and better every, every

43:44

chance I get. And I do make mistakes and

43:46

I do bomb from time to time, but that

43:48

comes. That's the nature of the beast. And every

43:51

fail is a lesson to be successful. And

43:53

don't say that shit again. Try something else.

43:56

Yeah. Also there are

43:58

times where you try some. something it

44:00

doesn't work. And I don't know if

44:02

you've had this, but it just, you try something it doesn't

44:04

work, but it

44:08

sounds so corny, but like opens a door

44:10

to something else that might work it. Do

44:12

you know what I mean? It's not just,

44:14

Oh, that didn't work. I won't say that

44:16

again, but sometimes it leads to something else.

44:18

It does. And I'll look, I'll run a

44:20

joke like six times, six different shows. If

44:22

it doesn't work the six times, then I

44:24

know, okay, this is probably not the right

44:26

route to go. This is not the correct

44:28

wording. The idea to me is funny, but

44:30

this is not what's going, this don't hit,

44:32

don't do this one no more. But maybe

44:34

the premise is good. So try it a

44:37

different way. And rewrite it this way. Have you

44:39

noticed that if you work too hard on something, it's not

44:41

coming? It means it's not there. Right.

44:43

Like sometimes the best things just

44:45

come so easily. And I cannot tell you

44:47

how long, it took me a

44:49

long time to learn this, but I got a work ethic

44:51

and I would work and work and work on something and

44:53

it's just not there. And then I realized if

44:56

you're working that hard on it, it's not there. You got to just

44:58

walk away. You have to let it go. You got

45:00

to let it go. And when in doubt,

45:02

throw it out. Yes. When

45:04

in doubt, throw it out. If you're doubting it and like

45:06

it's not getting it, let it go. I've

45:09

been practicing that a lot lately

45:11

with relationships and all kinds of

45:14

stuff. And I've been throwing stuff away, but

45:16

I am still a hoarder of clothes because

45:18

I think I can fit in this again. I

45:20

know I didn't wear it. I haven't worn it since 99, but

45:22

we'll get that small

45:24

again. I might be 70 years old,

45:26

but I will wear that crop top

45:28

one more time. You

45:31

relate to that. Oh my God. Yes. It's so

45:34

sad. The clothes that I have in my

45:36

closet that I just won't throw away. Yeah. Because I don't

45:38

want to give in to the fact that I'm a large

45:40

now and I used to be a medium. I can't do

45:42

it. Oh my goodness. Some of my stuff I've given to

45:45

my sister. This is my issue. Like I need to,

45:47

if I give away clothes and when I do, and

45:49

I usually do about two, three times a week,

45:51

I like have to give it away to charity because when I give

45:53

it to like my sisters and

45:56

I'll see them wearing it, I want to rip that shit off. I'm

46:01

like, did you take that out of my closet? They're

46:08

like, you gave it to me. I'm like, Oh yeah, I did give it

46:10

to you. But inside I'm like, I should take that shit back. I

46:23

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47:31

On the way in today, Sona, I was thinking

47:33

about just how much has changed over the years.

47:36

You know, when I was a kid, we were

47:38

all dancing the jitterbug and the Watusi. And

47:41

then you grow up now and there's mosh

47:43

pits and everything's gone. Cuckoo.

47:45

There's this new thing called rap. I don't

47:47

know what's happening anymore. But guess

47:49

what? In a world full of

47:52

change, there's one thing that hasn't changed. The

47:54

great taste of Miller Lite. Are you

47:56

with me on this? Yeah, I'm right there with you.

47:58

Yeah. that hasn't changed

48:00

is that it's less filling. I

48:03

hate a filling beer. When I have a

48:05

filling beer I just want to sit down

48:07

in a beanbag chair for six

48:10

days, but not with Miller Lite. So

48:12

what's the best thing about the original Lite beer? Back in

48:14

1975, the big debate in America

48:18

was what's more important, that it's

48:21

less filling Miller Lite or it tastes great. The

48:24

cool thing is when we all

48:26

realized it's both. It's less filling

48:28

and it tastes great. Everybody

48:31

wins. Everybody wins. Miller Lite keeps

48:34

it simple. Undebatable quality. Great taste.

48:36

Only 96 calories.

48:38

You don't have to choose what's best.

48:40

Miller Lite has great taste and it's

48:42

less filling. Tastes like Miller. Time to

48:44

get Miller Lite delivered right to your

48:47

door. Visit millerlite.com/Conan or you can find

48:49

it pretty much anywhere that sells beer.

48:51

Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

48:53

96 calories per 12 ounces.

48:56

Fewer cals and carbs than premium regular

48:58

beer. Okay,

49:09

so you've had this crazy success. You

49:12

haven't changed. You say in

49:14

the book you talk about Groupon. You're

49:16

still using your Groupon. I still use

49:18

my Groupon. I just bought some weights

49:20

on it just recently. Some new weights

49:23

and kettlebells. Kettlebell.

49:25

Okay. Do you ever walk around with

49:27

those weight vests? I just bought a

49:29

weighted vest. I was walking with

49:31

my wife the other day and then at one

49:34

point it's getting hot so she takes off her

49:37

sweatshirt or whatever and I see that she's wearing this,

49:39

looks like a bulletproof vest and I said, what the

49:41

fuck is that? She was like, oh, it

49:43

adds like 20 pounds to my walk

49:45

so that I'll work harder. I didn't

49:47

know. I thought, I mean, I didn't, she didn't

49:49

tell me first of all, but again, we haven't

49:51

touched each other in years. She's

49:54

her first line of defense against you. She

49:57

said this protects me. This protects me. these

50:00

tits. His

50:03

daily hands aren't getting me. But you

50:05

got one of those. Yeah, I just

50:07

ordered one on Groupon. Yeah, it was like 50

50:10

bucks and it's a 20 pound

50:12

weighted vest. I just ordered it in the kettlebell. Yeah.

50:15

Because I want to like walk with that stuff. That's

50:17

funny. Me and your wife should be friends. Let's

50:20

do it. She would love it. Let's go on

50:22

a weighted walk. She would do it all over.

50:24

She's cool. What's that? Okay, take it easy. She's

50:27

cool. She's really cool. Yeah, I married well.

50:29

I did the right thing. Good. In your

50:31

book you talk about you found this thing

50:33

called a rage room. I don't know what

50:35

a rage room is. What's a rage room?

50:37

Oh my gosh, a rage room. So it

50:39

is a room where you can go and

50:41

you can break stuff. I feel

50:44

like it's perfect for white men. All the movies

50:46

I've seen where y'all just tear up rooms and

50:48

I'm like, who's going to clean that

50:50

up? But you go to

50:52

this places. I go to this place called

50:54

the LA break room and they

50:56

have like crates full of

50:58

cups and bowls and plates and you can just

51:01

throw them against the wall and break them. You

51:03

can like they have

51:05

old appliances in their ovens,

51:07

microwaves, refrigerators, a

51:10

stove, a chair. Oh, there's one

51:12

chair. I fucked that chair

51:14

up. Everything I had

51:17

was like, it's better than sex. It's such a

51:19

great release. And I just, I just tore that

51:21

shit up, demolished it and nobody is mad at

51:23

me. I've never heard of it. I

51:25

mean, I want to do this. I do know. I've heard about

51:27

them and they're awesome. I've never been, but it's great

51:29

for a date night too. So they could see how

51:31

angry you can be, how, how destructive

51:33

you can be, but I'm not destructive

51:36

like that, but oh man, it

51:38

feels so good. I could break some stuff. One time I

51:40

went, they had all Ronald Reagan, uh,

51:42

library cups, mug. I

51:45

was like, I hate to do this to you Reagan, but

51:47

you did bring drugs into our community. with

52:00

garbage. You mentioned

52:02

your community. You know what I love is

52:05

you live in South Central and you keep

52:07

doubling down and buying homes in South Central,

52:09

right? Yeah. That's fantastic. I

52:11

mean, how many, I mean, I don't want

52:13

to get too specific, but you've bought a

52:15

lot of properties. Yeah, I only own one.

52:17

Okay. But the

52:19

foundation, the

52:22

LLCs, the trust funds, they

52:24

own many. And

52:27

every time I do a movie or a TV show,

52:29

I buy a piece of land. I already saw them

52:31

like, make sure I get paid enough where I can

52:33

buy like an apartment building, where

52:35

I can buy something that can make a difference. You

52:38

know, when I was little,

52:40

I used to think I was going to

52:42

be the queen of South Central Los Angeles.

52:44

I want to be the queen of the

52:46

hood. And now like on my street I

52:48

own, but the trust owns many, many homes.

52:50

That's fantastic. And then, and apartment

52:52

buildings and duplexes that I own, I

52:55

house foster youth in it. I rent them out

52:57

to organizations that help foster youth get housing and

52:59

life skills and all that. And

53:02

they house a bunch of them, but

53:04

they don't know that I own it. But I

53:06

do come by and mentor and talk to the

53:08

kids. And yeah,

53:11

and really, I'm just checking to make sure that didn't tear

53:13

my shit up. It's a rage

53:15

room. Why is

53:17

it footprints on the ceiling? We're

53:20

to mentor you and also check up

53:22

on stuff. Give you good life advice,

53:24

but check. And

53:27

you know what's so cool is there

53:29

are these big after parties after events,

53:31

like whether it's the Emmys or the

53:33

Golden Globes or the Oscars. But

53:35

after one, you just went back to

53:37

the neighborhood. Yeah, when I'm right home,

53:39

right to South Central LA. Yeah. Yeah.

53:42

So now skip the fancy party. I

53:45

went, oh no, okay. So I went

53:47

to the fancy party, took a picture and then left.

53:49

If you talk about when I went over to my

53:51

homegirl house over in the conference. Yeah. Yeah.

53:53

So there was she was having a car party.

53:56

So then the police came.

54:00

my face was beat for the guys. But

54:03

yeah, I went to the event

54:05

and took some pictures at the little

54:07

after party left from there and like

54:10

changed my clothes and I was like, you know, but

54:12

I didn't wash my face and I went over there

54:14

and was like, bitch, you're all cute looking all good.

54:16

I'm like, yeah, but let's let me whip that ass

54:18

in states. We playing states. And

54:20

then I guess I don't know, some people took pictures

54:22

and posted and then the police found out I was

54:24

in the community and they came over and

54:26

like, we're here to protect you. Make sure it doesn't happen

54:29

to you. I'm like, I come over here all the

54:31

time. Don't let nothing happen to me. Like, I'm queen

54:33

of the hood. You are not

54:35

the queen of the hood. In my mind. Well,

54:40

you keep buying these properties. You are like,

54:42

hey, landlord. Yeah, lord of

54:45

the land. Also, you

54:47

and I have something in common. We

54:50

both have a wax figure of ourselves.

54:52

Oh, yeah. You got a Madame Tussauds

54:54

wax figure. Yes. I have

54:56

one. I don't know. It's in Hollywood somewhere.

54:58

And every now

55:00

and then someone will be visiting and they'll

55:02

take a picture. And for some reason it's

55:04

me. They did it when I was behind

55:07

a desk and I'm pointing. I don't

55:09

know why. Like Conan's big thing is he points,

55:12

but people send me these

55:14

random photos of them posing with

55:16

this horrific. How do you feel

55:18

about it? It's weird. It's

55:20

really weird because what people, I don't know

55:23

if they realize this, you know, they

55:25

take exact measurements.

55:28

Yes. They take easily a

55:30

thousand measurements. Yes. Of every inch of

55:32

your body. Of every inch of your

55:34

body. And they're like measuring the distance

55:36

so that it's a perfect replica of

55:38

you. And then they match your hair and they

55:41

match. And so I look at it sometimes and

55:43

I think that's just weird that it's

55:45

somewhere in Hollywood. God knows. There it

55:47

is. Oh my God.

55:49

Oh, that movie was skinny. Oh

55:51

boy. Yeah. It kind of slightly

55:54

reminds me of that member that

55:56

McDonald's character. Ronald McDonald.

55:58

No. Mac Tonight,

56:01

the talk show guy. Oh,

56:03

right. Yeah. Maybe that's

56:05

why everybody loves the talk show so much. You were at

56:07

Mac McKnight. I was at Mac McKnight. You know what? I

56:10

got to say, it doesn't... it looks... now

56:12

it doesn't look like me. No, it doesn't.

56:14

But the nose is me and everything, but...

56:17

It doesn't really look like you at all. No.

56:20

No, it looks like you're sick. You're

56:23

better looking. You're way better looking. I was very sick at

56:25

the time. I do remember that. They got the dead eyes

56:28

right. Yeah, they got the dead eyes. They got the dead

56:30

eyes. You're like, I can't believe I got the dead... You

56:32

know what? It looks like they took someone's

56:34

hand that was holding a gun and just took the gun

56:36

out. And got their... Big guy. Bang, bang.

56:38

So what... you went through that experience. Yes. Did

56:41

you like it when you saw yourself or did you... I did. I

56:44

thought she was so beautiful. I'm like, wow, this is like

56:46

so beautiful. But I didn't... like it's not...

56:48

like in looking those eyes and it's like

56:50

dead eyes. It's like no... no hurt ever

56:52

been experienced. No. Right. This

56:55

is not a real human. Right. But if

56:57

I could make a clone of myself, boy, she would be cute. Do

56:59

you know they clone in dogs now? I did know that.

57:02

Yeah. And I'm like, if they can

57:04

clone dogs, then they could clone me probably. Do

57:06

you want to be cloned? I mean... They

57:10

would... it would have to grow up like a baby and everything.

57:13

Yeah. Like, right? Yeah. No.

57:17

But you're... are you okay with raising... Myself.

57:20

Yourself. I would raise myself

57:22

so good. Yes, you would. And then I

57:24

don't need no man. Like no child support, no man, no man.

57:27

Like, but then I would have to find him a dad, because

57:29

that was the problem. I think I needed a dad, like,

57:31

all the time. So I would get like all

57:33

my gay homeboys to be dad. And

57:35

then just, you know, yeah. That's

57:38

such a weird idea. That

57:40

you clone... Raise myself. Clone yourself

57:42

as a baby Tiffany. And

57:45

I see me. And then you raise

57:47

you and you give yourself everything that

57:49

you didn't have. Not

57:51

everything. I'll just give me what I needed.

57:54

Okay. All the stuff that I

57:56

didn't have. Just what I needed. Yeah. More

57:58

hugs, more kisses. more words of like

58:01

you're doing a good job, I'm proud of you,

58:03

you can do anything, don't

58:05

quit and then I will put her out the

58:07

house so she can learn struggle. At

58:11

like 12, 13? No! At 18 she's going to

58:13

have to learn how to survive. I will make

58:15

her camp in the woods at like 13. Give

58:20

her supplies and leave her in the woods for three days.

58:22

No one does that. Can you tell her about the enzymes

58:24

and sperm disease? Yes, I'm going to tell her about the

58:26

enzymes and sperm disease. Don't believe what you read

58:28

on TikTok, it's all lies. I don't think

58:30

I'm going to teach her how to read

58:32

so she don't get her heart broken. Wait,

58:35

you're going to give her what she needs

58:37

but she can't read. Yes, she can't read.

58:40

I don't think I'm going to let her learn how to

58:42

read because there's so many teenagers right now like the

58:45

suicide epidemic is crazy in my teenagers because they're

58:47

reading all the stuff that people are saying on

58:49

social media and they're attacking them and they don't

58:51

know how to handle it because they took bullying

58:53

out of school. Now

58:55

you don't know how to handle just

58:57

the bullying of words and you take

58:59

that personal kid, teenagers. Just don't let

59:01

her have a phone. She can read.

59:03

Yeah, she's going to get a pager.

59:05

Yeah, I'm bringing pagers back. Yeah, include

59:08

a tracking device on her. Like

59:11

kind of coming to the house. I got to go inside. I

59:18

don't know, but I feel bad for kids

59:20

today because it is really hard and

59:23

I appreciate it all my bullies like I've said the

59:25

little thank you notes like thank you for making me

59:27

so strong, especially to my mom. That was my biggest

59:29

bully. And I really appreciate

59:31

all the stuff that she said and did even though

59:33

it was mean and nasty and hurt my feelings,

59:35

prepared me for the horrible social

59:37

media world that we have today. It doesn't

59:40

really bother me. But do you read stuff about

59:42

yourself? Hell yeah, I read stuff about myself. Hello.

59:44

You going to sit here and tell me you don't

59:46

read about you? I don't actually. You don't? You'll

59:49

back me up on this. He actually doesn't. I mean, when

59:51

people send him articles and he just won't read

59:53

them because you can't read, huh? I

59:57

knew it. Damn it. He's

1:00:00

been having that. Oh, I'm above that. I might get

1:00:02

my feelings hurt. Can you read, Conan? I can't read.

1:00:04

Got that ear wig. Got that ear wig in. They

1:00:07

sell them everything they sell. No.

1:00:11

I try to... I mean, I do sometimes,

1:00:13

but I try not to, because I just

1:00:15

think like it can't... I think if it

1:00:17

can help me, but if

1:00:19

it's just some random person saying they

1:00:22

don't like what I'm doing, I don't know what

1:00:24

the point is of me knowing that, because I'm

1:00:26

not going to change at this point. No, I'm

1:00:28

not going to change either. It is kind of

1:00:31

intricate. Okay. In my mind, I

1:00:33

think they're saying all this stuff. These people, especially if

1:00:35

it's a long paragraph or if they make like a

1:00:37

whole YouTube video about how much they can't stand me,

1:00:39

in the back of my mind, I'm thinking they love

1:00:41

me. This person cares

1:00:43

about me so much. They took

1:00:45

a lot of energy and a lot of time to

1:00:48

say anything about me. And like, people are like, we

1:00:50

should cancel her. She should be canceled. Isn't she canceled?

1:00:52

Like I think to myself, dang, you took time out

1:00:54

of your day to comment on

1:00:56

me, which means I shouldn't be canceled.

1:00:58

You actually care. You care

1:01:00

about, I'm doing my job as an

1:01:02

entertainer and I'm making you feel something.

1:01:04

So I am successful in the long

1:01:07

run. I beat you. I

1:01:09

win, but still I have endometriosis.

1:01:11

So on my cycle, I do

1:01:13

become evil. And

1:01:16

I do take it back to

1:01:18

the 1900s and I do go

1:01:20

on there and talk shit about them real

1:01:23

bad, real, real bad. And I

1:01:25

have to pray on that. Like please forgive me Lord

1:01:27

for what I'm about to do, but I have

1:01:29

to destroy this fat bitch right now. That's

1:01:33

one of my favorite prayers. I'm

1:01:38

about to hurt your child's feelings. I

1:01:40

apologize, but I'm going to

1:01:42

hurt your child. And my bad,

1:01:44

but I gotta, I gotta attack her

1:01:47

soul. I'm sorry, Lord. Please forgive me.

1:01:49

You shouldn't have gave me endometriosis. I wouldn't even have time. I'm

1:01:52

sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. I wouldn't

1:01:54

have time. While I'm

1:01:56

sitting here in pain and bleeding,

1:01:58

plot, plot blood. I

1:02:00

wouldn't be thinking about committing murder on

1:02:03

this woman's spirit. Indometriosis.

1:02:07

Oh, man. Yeah.

1:02:09

Some people try to say I'm crazy. I'm

1:02:11

not crazy. I have endometriosis,

1:02:14

okay? And it causes me to behave

1:02:16

in certain ways because I'm in pain. And

1:02:18

it's a hormonal imbalance, apparently. That's

1:02:21

what somebody just told me. It's

1:02:23

your hormones. They're in balance. Okay.

1:02:26

Well, what's the fucking balance or

1:02:28

the hormones? Is there medication? Is there

1:02:30

like a leveler to level out the

1:02:32

fucking hormones? Keep me from bleeding

1:02:35

clots of fucking blood? How

1:02:37

am I not dead? How am I

1:02:39

still living? I'm amazing. That's why I'm a

1:02:41

fucking superhero. All women are superheroes.

1:02:43

We all are fucking amazing creatures. We

1:02:46

bleed for days and days and days and don't

1:02:48

die. Let a man bleed for two days. He's

1:02:51

dead. He's dead. Especially

1:02:54

if it's not the tip of his penis. He's

1:02:56

gonna kill himself. He's

1:02:58

like, it's broken forever. I'm done. I

1:03:01

can't do this. Let a blood clot come out of dick.

1:03:04

It's a wrap. No, don't let a blood clot

1:03:06

come out of dick. Ears,

1:03:10

baby, Jesus. Don't let

1:03:12

a blood clot come out of my dick. I'll

1:03:15

give you anything. I told

1:03:18

a dude that I have endometriosis so I can only deal

1:03:20

with certain size penises. I can't be dealing with no

1:03:22

big ode. I got endometriosis. He's like, what is

1:03:24

that? Is that a new STD? What is that?

1:03:27

And I was like, I wish it was an

1:03:29

STD. I wish I could give you endometriosis. How

1:03:31

you out here with endometriosis? I

1:03:34

wish I could give you inflammation of the neck.

1:03:36

Will all your wrinkles come out your balls? Blood

1:03:40

clots come out the tip of your dick. He's like,

1:03:42

that sounds so painful. Why would you wish that for

1:03:44

somebody? Wait, this is what you're talking about before you

1:03:46

have sex? No. Let's

1:03:50

have a little pillow talk. Let

1:03:53

your balls shrivel out and climb up

1:03:55

your asshole. This is

1:03:57

my way of letting them know if you got a big ode dick, I'm not

1:03:59

doing this. You know, so we

1:04:01

could just be friends. Okay.

1:04:04

I need that comedian. Okay, I need you tearing

1:04:06

myself up. I don't want to be pleased. Okay,

1:04:09

no big dicks out there. We're getting the word

1:04:11

out. I'm

1:04:13

around media mediums with good credit and the

1:04:15

EIN numbers. I'm

1:04:18

looking for good credit and EIN numbers. Hello.

1:04:21

Oh my God. It's mediums. Define medium.

1:04:23

I'm just going to write this down. Mediums.

1:04:26

Mediums. Mediums. Mediums.

1:04:29

Okay. My G5 is three

1:04:31

inches in. Bring your Asians, your Indians, your

1:04:33

whatever. Mediums.

1:04:38

Okay. Medium.

1:04:41

I talk about that in the book too. Yeah, I know you

1:04:43

do. Write it right here. Medium. That's

1:04:46

in the If You Want To Get With Me chapter. Yeah. I'm

1:04:48

going to give you a manual on that. Good

1:04:51

Lord. Oh. Oh,

1:04:53

you can read. No,

1:04:55

I can't. No, I do little pictures. Yeah, I see. I

1:04:59

like your fix. Yeah. Have

1:05:01

Maddie bring it in. Yes. We

1:05:03

got some little surprise for me

1:05:06

here, apparently. And it's also

1:05:08

not just for me but for you too, Maddie. Thank you very much. Yes.

1:05:11

Lotion. Yeah. Here we

1:05:13

go. Yes. Oh, thank you.

1:05:16

Oh, my skin is like, what is this? Now rub it in.

1:05:18

Just rub it on both sides. We're putting a little lotion in. We're

1:05:20

putting a little lotion in. Make

1:05:22

a wish when you're doing it. I

1:05:25

wish I was a medium. Medium

1:05:29

for me is aspirational. You

1:05:34

want to be a medium? I like medium. Mauda-meen.

1:05:37

Oh. Oh. But

1:05:39

you have a wife, so I'm sure she's happy

1:05:42

with what you're working with. Oh,

1:05:44

I'm a good earner. She's

1:05:51

crying and then she goes, and she's like, oh, you know, I

1:05:53

actually need to see you. There's a lot of money coming in.

1:05:57

Good morning. Good morning. She

1:06:00

says that as we're doing it. All

1:06:02

of his years. Good earner, good earner. Then

1:06:06

there's this flaky skin. It

1:06:08

looks like it's snowing on us. If

1:06:11

she's saying good earner, good earner, she's manifesting that.

1:06:13

You know, that's what you're supposed to do during

1:06:15

sex. You're supposed to make wishes when as soon

1:06:17

as you have an orgasm, that's when it's gonna

1:06:19

come in. Because all your chakras are opening, that's

1:06:22

when God shows up. Oh my God. That's

1:06:25

when you're supposed to make a wish. All right, here's my

1:06:27

question for the room. You gotta manifest things.

1:06:29

All the wasted wishes. Here's my question for

1:06:31

the room. Who's funnier

1:06:33

than Tiffany? Seriously. There's a

1:06:35

lot of people. No, no, no, no, no,

1:06:37

no, no. You are a beautiful person. Thank

1:06:40

you. You are a

1:06:42

good Lord. You are a tornado of funny.

1:06:44

You are so funny and it comes from

1:06:46

such a real place. Thank you. And you're

1:06:49

beautiful and God. I just, when you

1:06:51

show up, I don't have to do

1:06:53

anything. I know. I don't do anything. I

1:06:55

just say, I just, every now and then

1:06:57

a little poke because there are more and there's so much more.

1:06:59

Yeah, I'm like a sis. There's levels

1:07:02

to it. There's

1:07:06

levels to it. Everyone go out, do

1:07:08

yourself a favor. Go out and get, I

1:07:11

curse you with joy. It's Tiffany

1:07:13

Haddish. Can you say Tiffany Haddish, I curse you

1:07:15

with joy? Yeah, Tiffany Haddish, I curse you with

1:07:17

joy. Thank you. I curse you with joy,

1:07:19

Tiffany Haddish. Thank you. And I

1:07:22

curse everyone that reads that book with joy. And

1:07:25

please spread the word that- I'm

1:07:28

moisturized. I'm moisturized. I'm a

1:07:30

medium. I

1:07:34

represent every color on earth. And

1:07:39

God bless you seriously. You make me, I mean,

1:07:41

you talk about how you, in your life, you

1:07:43

try to do positive things and

1:07:45

you do so many positive things. And

1:07:47

then you come into this room and

1:07:50

we talk to everybody and I'm just dying. You

1:07:52

just make me so happy. Thank you. Thank you

1:07:54

so much. Can I have your phone number now?

1:07:56

Yes, you can. Yay.

1:07:58

All right, white doesn't happen. No, she

1:08:00

don't know because I'm gonna get her number

1:08:04

We I'm gonna invite you to game night. I'll be having this

1:08:06

game night in one of my properties. It's a good

1:08:09

time Okay, have you ever been to South

1:08:11

Central LA? Sure. Okay, we

1:08:13

don't see I've got Catalina

1:08:30

Where are your weighted best? It'll

1:08:32

be a good time. That is me. Thank you. You send

1:08:34

me a text. Thank you Conan I

1:08:36

am gonna see it's been a long time since I got the phone number

1:08:38

on a piece of paper 1900s

1:08:43

baby I

1:08:45

was on a plane once across the aisle

1:08:47

as Warren Beatty the greatest womanizer of the

1:08:49

20th century Yes, and we chat briefly and

1:08:51

we have a nice chat and he goes

1:08:53

well here Here's how you can reach me

1:08:55

and he writes his phone number on an

1:08:57

American Airlines Napkin and hands it to me

1:09:00

and I was thinking when he did it

1:09:02

how many numbers has he written on

1:09:04

an airline napkin since 1960

1:09:07

oh my god, and then I can't find it

1:09:09

cuz I would frame it I

1:09:11

would frame it if I could find Probably

1:09:16

I fucked up anyway Warren my apologies.

1:09:18

Yeah, he's been waiting by the phone

1:09:24

Tiffany God bless. Thank you so much for being

1:09:26

here and congrats on your book Thank you

1:09:30

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan

1:09:32

O'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Mac Gourley

1:09:35

produced by me Mac Gourley Executive

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