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1:52

Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang. Liquidy

2:01

Leavings, we are soggy

2:05

once again. Rejoice

2:15

in the moist. Welcome to Comedy Bang

2:17

Bang. Thank you to

2:19

You're in All Cakes for that

2:21

catchphrase submission. Sorry apropos you're in

2:23

all cakes because it is

2:26

WET DAY once

2:30

again! Third

2:32

annual wet day! Can you believe it?

2:34

Can you believe it's here? I can't

2:36

believe it. It came

2:38

so suddenly this year. My favorite time of

2:40

year. I was so dry for so long

2:42

and then just suddenly today I woke up

2:44

I was wet. I start in October, I

2:46

start sort of moistening things. Demoistening

2:51

things? So that they can

2:54

be moistened everything for wet day.

2:56

You want to be as dry as possible before

2:59

wet day. And then wet day eve of course is

3:01

when it begins midnight. That's right. Wet

3:04

day eve, midnight of wet day eve at

3:06

the end of the day. Midnight

3:10

on wet day eve. That's when I will

3:12

turn on the shower full blast. Full blast!

3:14

I'll put all of the stuff I own

3:16

in there and then I climb on top

3:18

of it. Everything! Absolutely

3:20

everything. It's a pretty big mountain of

3:22

things. Because then I can buy all

3:24

new electronics. That's what's great. We love

3:26

to shop. Yeah. America has

3:28

a shopping addiction. We love to shop. Yeah.

3:31

Well, you know, we hope you're celebrating wet day out there

3:33

with us. We know you are as a matter of fact.

3:36

And I want to introduce my guest. He is here

3:38

for the third annual wet day celebration.

3:40

He is the co-creator of wet day.

3:43

Well. As a holiday. I

3:45

mean, I don't know if he's the sole creator

3:47

of it, is there anything else? But as a

3:49

holiday he's the co-creator of wet day. I think

3:51

that's safe to say. Yeah. And please

3:54

welcome back to the show, Paul F. Tompkins. Scott, it's great

3:56

to see you again. So good to see you, Paul. Thank

3:58

you for having me on the show. the wettest

4:00

I've ever been right now. Same. I

4:03

mean, I thought I couldn't top

4:05

last year's wet day. I'm sopping wet.

4:07

I am soaked to the bone. Yeah.

4:10

I believe I have pneumonia. Yeah, I'm

4:12

sick. We're good times for this. I'm

4:14

shivering. We're elderly men. We should not

4:16

be doing this. No, I'm shivering. I'm

4:18

starting to feel very warm. I just

4:20

feel cozy and I just want to

4:22

like rest. Well

4:26

let's take it. By the way, it is

4:28

also wet day shares a day with Haley

4:30

Joel Osman's birthday. We

4:32

want to wish him a happy wet

4:34

day and an even happier birthday. Happy birthday

4:36

second. Yes, exactly. We want to,

4:39

of course, oh god, it's

4:41

that demodia. For

4:45

any of you who don't know what we're talking

4:47

about, and I can't imagine you don't, if you

4:49

don't celebrate wet day in your own houses for

4:51

some reason or another, if you're an ET who

4:53

just got here to planet Earth and

4:55

you need to know about our customs, and you're pretending to

4:57

be a human trying to acclimate yourself, trying to fit in.

5:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't because of

5:02

your weird head and long neck and little stubby body. Well,

5:04

guess what? This will help knowing

5:06

what wet day is. Because eating Reese's Pieces

5:08

is going to have to be enough. Here's

5:12

what happened. Here's wet

5:14

happens. Here's wet happens. Wet

5:16

happens. Yeah, like a gump happens.

5:18

Also, you should watch our after show, Watch

5:21

Wet Happens Live. Yes, please. We're

5:24

going to be doing that live no

5:26

matter when you listen to it. Yeah,

5:28

and it's a show where we get

5:30

drunk for some reason and we invite

5:32

a celebrated alcoholism. Celebrate alcoholism. We

5:34

have alcoholics on the show. We have former,

5:37

prior, current. Current.

5:40

Yeah, whatever stage of alcoholism they're in. It's

5:42

fun to get them before they're fully blown. Yep,

5:45

in turn. What happened was

5:48

approximately three years

5:50

and three months or

5:52

so ago. A month ago. I

5:55

said the years. Why am I? Paul

5:57

and I were on the... CBB

6:00

best of episodes. I forget

6:02

which year but you can do the math

6:05

yourself. And we

6:07

talked about how how

6:09

did wet day come to be? Well, wet day came

6:11

to be because we realized

6:14

that after April

6:16

Fool's Day most people have dried off

6:18

from the pranks. Yeah. And they need

6:20

to get wet again. The bucket, the

6:22

door jamb. And

6:24

they need to get wet again. They need to

6:27

get wet again. So wet day was born. Yeah.

6:29

On April 10th. They have enough time to get

6:31

dry that nine days, nine day period. That's more

6:33

than enough time. Sure, I hope so. For the

6:35

types of April Fool's pranks that

6:40

involve water or

6:43

any kind of liquid. Sure. No, I mean hey,

6:45

I want to look, sure, we celebrate

6:48

water on this show. Of

6:50

course we do. Water is one of the best things to get

6:52

wet with. Yes. Now it's 99.5% of

6:54

the planet. That's right. Our bodies are

6:57

99.5% water. That's

6:59

right. If you touch anyone a little bit

7:01

hard they will just go sploosh. Yeah. And

7:03

dissolve into a bubble of liquid. At the

7:05

very least your fingertip will come away down.

7:07

That's right. Depending on where you touch them

7:09

as well. Hello. But

7:13

we love water but we don't

7:15

want to discount the other liquids

7:17

out there. No. Beer. Liquid soap.

7:22

Liquid paper. We'll

7:24

take liquid paper if you want to douse me

7:26

in liquid paper today. I love it. It's wet

7:28

day. Do you think Elmer's glue is not a

7:30

liquid? You're wrong. That's right. Just pour crazy glue

7:33

all over your friends. Go

7:35

Red Lock Glue. Shout

7:37

out to Harambe. Oh yes, Harambe.

7:39

R.I.P. Yeah. Did the R in

7:42

R.I.P. stand for Rambay? Yeah,

7:45

nevermind. But

7:47

you're on board. Okay. H.R.I.P. H.R.I.P. No.

7:54

Enough about Harambe because today is wet day

7:56

and I don't recall Harambe ever being wet.

7:59

No, I don't think so. He's one of the driest ass

8:01

monkeys I've ever seen. I mean, he entered

8:03

the wet t-shirt contest shortly after. That's

8:06

true. Yes. And he won. And

8:09

by the way, wet t-shirt contest, perfect way to

8:11

celebrate. Perfect way to celebrate. And you know what?

8:13

Everybody wins. That's right. The viewers, one

8:16

of the women. You know, the

8:19

wet t-shirt contest. Yeah. First

8:22

of all, it's not about how wet your t-shirt can be.

8:24

No. And that's what we like about

8:26

them. It's about the jugs.

8:30

And that I feel like wet

8:32

t-shirt contests have been just so... You

8:35

know, down through the years. Commercialized. Yeah.

8:39

Oh, please. Do you feel wet day is too commercial

8:41

now? Especially with all of the wet day merch that

8:44

we've started. There's all this merch now. And

8:46

it didn't used to be that way. And

8:48

we're the ones who started it. It used to be about

8:51

making the merch. It used to be about getting soaking wet.

8:53

Yeah. Celebrating liquids of all kinds. Sure.

8:56

And now it's about t-shirts and...

8:59

And swim trunks and towels. Swim trunks and towels.

9:01

And towels. And the towels are like, that's

9:03

something to get dry with. I don't know what... How

9:06

did... Try the opposite of wet day. Yeah.

9:09

I mean, yes, it says these towels will get you

9:11

as wet as you can possibly be or something to

9:13

that effect on them. That's like... To me,

9:15

that's like getting a crucifix on Christmas.

9:17

That's right. It's

9:19

like, hey, this is the thing we're gonna kill this guy with.

9:22

Yeah. Who's just born today. Well, the crucifix

9:24

means he's on it. Right. Yeah.

9:27

Not a cross. The crucifix, of course, the idolatry

9:29

of the Catholic Church. Sure. Of

9:31

course, yes. This is not part of wet day culture. No,

9:33

no, no, no, no. Jesus is not involved? No, no, no,

9:35

no, no. This is a side topic? This is my culture,

9:37

Catholicism. Oh, okay. Great. And

9:40

what we do is we worship idols, a grave in

9:42

images. Right. Even though the Bible

9:44

says don't do that, but we think because it's

9:46

Jesus Christ, you gotta be okay

9:49

with that. That's true. Yeah.

9:52

And of course, cannibals, because we consider the Eucharist

9:54

to be the actual body of Christ. Right. You

9:57

know what? I don't like talking about Jesus because

9:59

he... He is one of the driest Bible

10:01

characters because he walked on water. He

10:04

wouldn't soak himself in it. That's

10:06

true, but when he was pierced

10:08

by the Roman soldier in the side, he

10:10

spurted blood. Water came out. Oh

10:13

really? Oh interesting. Well you

10:15

know, we've established before Jonah, one

10:17

of the wettest Bible characters of all time.

10:20

Oh my God. Oh my Lord. This

10:22

guy was in the ocean, then he was in

10:24

a whale? It's like, you think it's dry as

10:26

that whale? It's not. No. He

10:29

had all the acids and finally juices

10:31

flowing. If you swallow a fly, of

10:33

course perhaps you'll die. But

10:36

that fly would be like a Jonah and

10:38

he wouldn't be like, oh it's the Sahara in

10:41

here. He'd be like, gross. It's wet as hell.

10:45

So I don't like talking about Jesus, but one thing

10:47

I did want to mention is we had established Wet

10:50

Day Eve is celebrated two months before. Yeah,

10:53

of course. And what

10:55

I've said comports with that. Oh okay. They

10:58

fit together. Okay, wonderful. So January 10th

11:00

is Wet Day Eve. Ciao, ciao, ciao,

11:02

ciao. And I have been wet

11:04

as a judge. Of

11:10

course the decorations. I have been wet as

11:12

a doornail since then. The decorations we string

11:15

together popcorn and ice cubes. We

11:17

have a wet day tree. We get the

11:19

wettest tree we can find. By the way,

11:22

it's just the wettest tree you can find. We're not any

11:24

kind of tree. We're not saying that you have to be

11:26

out there with sopping wet trees. Just the wettest one you

11:28

can find. Yeah, but it has to be wet. Well,

11:31

it has to be somewhat wet, but it's like if

11:33

you live in a dry area where trees are only,

11:35

you know. Adreria. Yeah, just nominally

11:37

wet, then get the wettest one you can find.

11:41

You put it inside your house and then open the

11:43

window and bend it so that it leans inside. That's

11:45

right. Do you put it inside your house and then

11:47

bend it so it leans inside? I don't

11:49

know. I think you put it outside your house and you bend

11:51

it. Outside the house.

11:53

That's right. Because who wants a tree in their

11:55

house? Especially a wet one. Especially a

11:57

wet one. Not me. Exactly. and

12:00

everything it's dance for. We sort of want to wet

12:02

tree the house. Jim Belushi, Grand Marshal of the Wet

12:04

Day Parade. There

12:06

are three wet ghosts. Three years running. Three

12:09

wet ghosts and wet bed sheets who visit

12:11

us on Wet Day. That's disgusting. One is

12:13

Ted Danson and the Lady of Creepshow. And

12:16

then Leslie Nielsen, also from Creepshow. That's

12:23

correct. Of course, what do we

12:25

do on Wet Day? The Lady

12:28

of Creepshow. Her name lost to

12:30

the midst of a pristine forest.

12:32

But we don't know. We don't know.

12:35

Forests get wet. Forests get very,

12:37

very wet. They're standing out there.

12:39

The rainforest? They are the cover

12:41

for other things. That's right. Yeah.

12:43

They're the things that let other

12:45

things be dry. Yeah. What do we

12:48

do on Wet Day? We take a longer shower

12:50

than usual. 30 minutes exactly to the second now.

12:52

We're saying. That's right. You have to use an

12:54

atomic clock. That's right. You have

12:56

a big wet meal, mainly soup. But

12:58

you can squirt some mustard in your mouth. You can squirt some

13:01

mustard in your mouth. You know what I mean? Sleep

13:03

in a tub. A full tub, of course.

13:05

Full of water. Or whatever liquid you choose.

13:08

Oh, that's right. Visit wet places. Toss

13:11

water balloons into local businesses. That's right.

13:13

And they love it. They love it.

13:15

Tank. Take the ink out of a pen. Fill

13:18

it with water. And then put that ink

13:20

into squirting flowers. Just sort of swap them.

13:22

Just switch them. Yeah. Just switch them. We

13:25

sing Wet Day carols. We have wet

13:27

us. Pussy, of course, is a very

13:30

big one. It's like

13:32

the jingle bells of Wet Day. It

13:34

truly is. And it's

13:36

so little kids know it. They love to

13:39

sing it. They love it. Of course, we

13:41

also have Gonna Make You Sweat by CNC

13:43

Music Factory. That's right. Of course, Keith Sweat.

13:45

Anything by him. Anything by him. Bringing in

13:47

the sheaves. Even though

13:49

it's about wheat, you can pronounce weed as wet.

13:53

Wet Day gifts. A wet car with a wet...

14:00

bow. Water

14:04

bottled. Yeah, of course. So

14:07

many things we can do on wet day.

14:09

And I feel like it's now

14:11

just spreading throughout the country. I know

14:13

there are wet day celebrations out there.

14:15

Oh, absolutely. There are wet day parties.

14:18

More and more people are celebrating it.

14:20

And it's very exciting

14:23

to see it take off. So

14:26

it never really happens where a new holiday

14:29

is created. Because you always hear about this

14:31

blank blank day of this. You know, like

14:33

National Pie Day or whatever. I

14:35

hate blank blank day of this.

14:37

Yeah. Give it a rest. Give

14:40

it a rest, blank blank. It's

14:42

not gonna happen. Yeah. Plus it's

14:44

just one day. Yeah. Do

14:46

you think wet day should be a wet week? Here's

14:49

what I think. This is

14:51

a holiday, an American holiday that

14:54

I think we've also established is worldwide,

14:56

right? I think so, but started

14:58

in America. It's a global holiday. It's a

15:00

global holiday that started in America. I probably liked

15:02

it. Of course you did. Yeah. Remember when he

15:05

loved jazz so much in this musical that he

15:07

talked about it? While

15:09

jazz was playing? Right. Yeah. I do remember that. It

15:11

was good. So

15:15

I think it has the potential, and I think

15:17

it's not just potential, I think it's on track

15:20

to kind of replace Thanksgiving as

15:23

the premier American holiday. I think so.

15:25

And honestly, I don't think anyone's going

15:27

to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. We don't like

15:30

it. Why would you? Here's what's dry.

15:32

Turkey. Oh God. If I have to

15:34

eat another dry ass turkey. Yeah. Oh

15:37

my Lord. And you know what else is

15:39

dry? Your elderly parents and their skin. What

15:41

if weirdo did a parody of what they

15:43

call dry ass turkey? Dry ass turkey? This

15:45

is actually... Do you want to mail that

15:47

to ourselves? Do he allow himself to say

15:49

ass? I

15:51

think he said it once. He said it once? Maybe

15:53

he was talking about a donkey though. In

15:56

his track audition. I don't know.

16:00

We'll find all this out, but I

16:03

think instead of like look honestly Thanksgiving

16:06

Always ends up on a weird day

16:08

a Thursday. Oh so weird Why is

16:10

it so easy to remember April 10th

16:13

so easy nine days after your wet on April Fool's

16:15

day? It's the same day every year and

16:19

like Thursday Having

16:22

things on a Thursday first of all that's must-see

16:24

TV night. Yeah, I mean I gotta watch my

16:26

shows I gotta watch my story TV

16:29

these days What

16:34

is almost see TV Urkel's

16:37

revenge Think so. Yeah, he finally

16:40

gets revenge on all those people who thought he was

16:42

a nerd Urkel's it Urkel has a list of people

16:44

he just killed him one by one kill bill. Yeah,

16:46

you can tell them one by one great, um, and

16:49

He says after each murder of course assisted. I do

16:51

that. Yes, I did He

16:54

waits for an answer from the dead body. Yeah, and then

16:56

he goes oh, that's right. You're dead. Yes, I did do

16:58

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love that show. There was one where

17:00

he forced the victim. I think it was Carl He

17:03

forced him to say did you do that? So

17:05

right say yes, I did. Yes, I did and

17:07

they're right then He like blows him away. Yes,

17:09

and I love that episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's

17:11

the first minute of the first episode I cried.

17:13

Yeah, and then he just sits around for the

17:15

next 29 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he thinks

17:17

about Urkel bot He's

17:19

like why did I do that? Why

17:22

did I should be a millionaire? I fully

17:26

functioning Android I'm a

17:28

child Urkel not

17:31

Officially wet day cannon, but his name

17:33

is so close to snorkel. I think

17:35

we include him. I Think

17:39

I know, you know, honestly Jim Belushi

17:41

you haven't been reppin wet day, but

17:43

Belushi sounds like a splash, right? I

17:45

know like somebody's gonna get cannonball, but

17:47

he has he hasn't gotten himself involved

17:49

all that much No, just he just

17:51

shows the end of his cigar. Yeah,

17:53

I'll discuss Why

17:57

aren't we replacing him with Urkel Let's

18:00

get Urkel in here. I think we should. I think

18:02

we should. Volusia out. Urkel

18:04

in. Yeah. But Urkel, we need you

18:06

to be out there doing some outreach

18:08

for wet day. Yeah. Year round. Not

18:11

just on wet day eve, which as

18:13

we've established is January 10th. That's right.

18:16

But out there year round and you know, I

18:18

think no one likes Thanksgiving. No one.

18:21

No, it's too close to Christmas. Yes.

18:24

Wet day's perfect. It's in April. Ain't

18:26

shit going on in April. We can

18:28

also get rid of April Fool's Day,

18:31

which yeah, who cares? Now, of course,

18:33

then the whole reason behind wet day

18:35

won't exist anymore because it's when people

18:37

have dried off. Well, but you know,

18:39

Christmas used to be a pagan holiday.

18:41

You know what I mean? Like holidays

18:43

can can can can can can. That's

18:45

also true. But I

18:48

think Thanksgiving let's let's take let's let's do

18:50

this. Let's not celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Let's

18:52

make a pack on board. And

18:55

instead, we'll just kind of

18:58

try to remind people about wet day

19:00

on that. Yes, try to. Yes, we

19:02

don't have to succeed to make our

19:04

best effort. Let's

19:07

just kind of like show like

19:09

one of those iPhone sort of montages that

19:11

they create for us. Oh, yeah. Us very

19:13

wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll post those

19:15

on Thanksgiving. Yeah. By

19:18

the way, the music choice is always on

19:20

point. Oh, so good. Yeah. And

19:22

there's never one very odd photograph

19:24

that doesn't belong on the screen shot

19:27

of a thing you were thinking about

19:29

buying for the house. A lamp gets

19:31

in there celebrating

19:35

with friends. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling,

19:37

bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Wow.

19:42

I mean, it's already off to a great

19:44

start this way. Love it. Oh, my lord.

19:46

Love it. And, you know, I mean,

19:49

what will wet day be in the future? Oh,

19:52

my God, Scott. Well, first of all, it's going

19:54

to be even greater because of the polarized gas

19:56

melting. Oh, that's right. There's going to be even

19:58

more water. So wet. Yeah,

20:00

yeah, yeah, yeah, no more of that ice see that's

20:02

the thing Ice on wet

20:04

day, but no if you order a

20:06

drink at a bar You better

20:08

order it neat because we don't want to see

20:11

any frozen water in there We want that water

20:13

to be just straight out of the tap if

20:15

you have to have it on the rocks Please

20:17

wait a half hour before you drink it. Thank

20:19

you And

20:22

you know what water world should be the wet

20:24

day movie Yes, and it's higher

20:26

world is water It should be where everyone

20:28

goes on wet day to universal studios the

20:30

water. Oh my gosh. That should be Absolutely

20:34

and everyone, you know the splash zone the

20:36

first three rows where everyone's like, oh, I

20:38

don't want to sit there No, everyone clamors to

20:40

sit there. Yes, and you know what for

20:43

people who don't celebrate wet day There's like

20:45

jewish people on christmas instead of

20:47

going to a chinese restaurant. You go

20:49

see the dune movies Sure have those movies

20:51

for all of your weird Non

20:54

wet day traditions if you if you insist

20:56

on not observing this holiday, which is open

20:58

to everyone Yeah, regardless of race creed you

21:00

don't have to believe anything. I don't care

21:03

about your creed You know, we we get

21:05

it jewish people They don't celebrate christmas because

21:07

they don't believe that christ was actually the

21:09

you know, the the dude. Yeah No,

21:12

they think he never got born. They think he never

21:14

got born. Yeah, interesting. They think he's still waiting to

21:16

be born in heaven Oh, okay.

21:18

This is weird Anyway, we

21:20

get it. Look i'm no religious scholar. This

21:22

is what I this is what i've gleaned

21:24

Okay, so we get it. You have you

21:27

have beliefs which preclude you from celebrating wet

21:29

day We get it. We take anyone at

21:31

wet day. You don't have to believe in

21:33

anything like Scientology You can

21:35

still practice your own religion to be a Scientologist. Exactly.

21:37

So we Scientologists

21:40

celebrate wet day with us. We would take

21:42

any Scientologist if you're in the sea org

21:45

The sea org is the

21:47

the real wet day organization You

21:49

have signed up to be a member of

21:51

this organization for a billion years. Why not

21:53

have a holiday? Yeah once a year one

21:55

billion times in a row Sounds

21:58

good to me. Tell her wet day Oh

22:01

man, it's wonderful to be here. It's

22:04

wonderful to be wet with you, Paul. It's wonderful to be

22:06

wet with you, Scott. You're my wet day family. Wait,

22:10

we don't have to celebrate wet day with our wet

22:12

day families though, right? We can celebrate wet day solo.

22:14

You can celebrate wet day solo. Just the... Oh,

22:16

god damn it. This is what's so beautiful about it. You

22:19

can celebrate wet day in any

22:22

combination of people. That's right. And

22:24

you don't need someone to get you wet. No. Get

22:27

yourself wet. If you have, you know,

22:29

some fizzled... Wet yourself. Wet yourself. If

22:32

you have some... Yeah, wet your pants. Wet

22:34

your pants. It's right there. It's right there.

22:36

Wet your pants today. It's the thing that

22:38

takes the least amount of effort. Yeah. Just

22:41

wake up, wet your pants. Let it happen. And

22:43

get in the shower. So much of our lives is

22:46

trying not to wet our pants. This is the one day...

22:48

When you think about it. This is the one day where

22:50

you can just let it flow. Oh my god. How often

22:53

in your life are you like, I have to get to

22:55

the bathroom. I gotta get to the bathroom. Yeah. Just

22:57

let it go. Let it happen. Let

23:00

it go. Let it flow. Let the urine fill

23:02

up your pants. I don't remember how the song

23:04

goes. No, that was it. We

23:06

should parrot you. That was from Wet Day. We're from

23:09

Weird Al. Oh, that's true. Weird Al, would you please

23:11

consider one day a year calling

23:13

yourself wet Al? Just

23:15

on wet day. Just on wet day. Wet

23:17

Al Yankovic. Yeah. He'd

23:19

love it. Because I'm wet. I'm wet.

23:22

You know it. Please

23:24

everyone send this message to Al on all

23:27

of his socials. Please.

23:30

Please. He would love nothing more.

23:32

He would love it. He would love to celebrate wet day

23:34

with us. Yeah. Well Paul, I know you have to go. I

23:37

can stick around. You can stick around? Oh, okay. I

23:39

might be a little quieter than usual. Oh, okay. That

23:41

would be great. Yeah. I might

23:43

find something to say. If I look up from my phone occasionally. Okay.

23:46

So you're gonna be here for the rest of the show on your phone.

23:48

On the rest of the show on your phone. Almost silent. Yes.

23:51

Okay, great. We do have a

23:54

very great show today. We

23:56

have a very great. We

23:58

have an entrepreneur. Who

24:01

gets your money entrepreneurs back? Yeah, 2024 entrepreneurs

24:03

are back Wow. Yeah, I was kind of

24:05

like why am I? What is

24:07

this rule that I have where I can't have

24:09

entrepreneurs on the yeah, it was crazy It makes

24:11

me hope that Gene Simmons will one day One

24:14

of our lightest entrepreneurs can give free rides.

24:17

Oh, okay. Yeah, he wouldn't mention other

24:19

other products or oh Whatever

24:22

because no free rides. Yeah, remember the

24:24

mr. Show movie when we wanted to

24:26

not even use them in it But

24:28

just people dressed as them in a

24:30

cameo and they asked for

24:32

a hundred and fifty thousand dollars We

24:38

have to take a break when we come

24:40

have to we have a wet entrepreneur We

24:43

also have a little later

24:45

a barber who I would imagine Slaps,

24:47

you know cologne on people on wet day.

24:50

We got to talk about that blue liquid

24:52

that blue. What is it? Oh What

24:54

is it what is it we

24:57

have to talk about I don't know what that is you

24:59

don't know what what is it That's very scary to what

25:02

is it? Stop it. You have to listen to the show

25:04

more often. Oh, I just found out you're

25:06

laying entrepreneurs You have

25:08

listed all of 2020 boards. Where's where's

25:10

little Gary? I know He's

25:13

a he's a very wet person too. He is very

25:15

wet right? He's not food Well, so many people thought

25:17

he was food. They were popping him in their mouth.

25:19

Yeah And you've just you know got

25:21

tangentially wet he's covered it. He's covered his life He's

25:24

covered in it. So we should invite him but he's

25:26

not here, but we have a wet entrepreneur We also

25:28

have a barber. This is very exciting happy wet day

25:30

to all we'll be right back with more comedy bang

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get there. OK, bye! Comedy

29:53

bang, bang, we're back. Paula Tompkins is

29:55

here and has his phone and... Yeah,

29:58

he's got his phone in his hand. He's

30:00

just kind of reading. Got my phone on my hand!

30:03

What are you scrolling through over there? What

30:05

do you got? Terms of Service! You

30:09

actually read those! I read them! Cover to

30:11

cover! Okay! All right,

30:13

well, Paul's gonna be in the corner this

30:15

entire episode, but we do need to get

30:17

to our first wet, wet guest, and this

30:20

is very exciting. He is an entrepreneur of

30:22

sorts. It

30:26

doesn't, I mean, I guess he doesn't

30:28

really own a business, like at least

30:30

a storefront, a brick and mortar. That's

30:33

right. But he's

30:35

self-employed, we should say. That's

30:37

right. And you're not selling things

30:39

to people, goods and services, but I guess

30:42

you are selling things once you retrieve them.

30:44

Yeah, I guess it's

30:47

like a retrieval service. Right, but

30:49

for yourself. I find the thing and then I'll sell it

30:51

to people if they're interested in buying it. And

30:53

by the way, I'll introduce you in a second. Are

30:56

you ever hired on a

30:58

reward basis to find something? That has happened

31:00

a lot, yeah. Oh, okay. So it's not

31:02

you just finding treasure and then fencing it.

31:05

It's both. It's both, great. Look,

31:07

you can hire me to find treasure, but

31:10

when that's not happening, I'm still looking

31:12

for treasure. Oh yeah. All

31:14

the time. All the time, yeah.

31:16

Every day? Every damn day! All

31:18

right, well, let's introduce you. He

31:21

is an underwater treasure

31:23

hunter. Right.

31:26

And I guess famously for people who haven't

31:29

heard him on the show before, he was

31:31

on the hunt for a

31:33

certain- The corps de la mare. Certain

31:36

diamond, the corps de la mare. The heart of the ocean.

31:38

The heart of the ocean, of course. I guess

31:40

most famously seen in the movie Titanic, which

31:42

I know is a sore spot for you.

31:45

I'm not ready to go back to Titanic.

31:48

You're not ready? Meaning the movie

31:50

or would you go back to the actual underwater-

31:52

Any day of the week, but the movie? No.

31:55

Yeah, that's right. Too painful to watch. They

31:57

made a fool of me in that movie. They did. They

32:03

did, they did. I mean, we've talked

32:05

about it on this show, but... She had

32:07

that necklace the whole time! The whole damn

32:10

time! And all she had to do was

32:12

rip open her blouse. She threw it

32:14

away! Like, just give it to me!

32:16

Yeah! She threw it in

32:18

the ocean! Why are you doing that?

32:20

I was just there! You were like,

32:22

not even two feet away from it most

32:24

of the time. You were like almost nosed to

32:27

diamond with it. I didn't get to smoke my

32:29

cigar. How wet is

32:31

the end of your cigar, by the way? It's

32:33

pretty dry. I'm so sorry.

32:35

Unless I find treasure. If I have a successful

32:37

treasure hunt, then of course I light up

32:39

my famous cigar. That's right. That is my little reward.

32:42

What is more rewarding than a cigar? Do you actually

32:44

want to treat? Do you like treasure or do you

32:46

just like the cigar? It's like when... Oh, come on,

32:48

man! It's like when I would drink martinis and I

32:50

would just like, I really want the olives. And

32:53

then I realized I just like olives. That's

32:56

a weird... What's wrong with you? So

32:59

I threw the vodka away and then I just

33:01

eat olives. Had you never seen olives in a

33:03

store before? I hadn't. You thought

33:05

it was the only way to procure olives was

33:07

to order a martini? Come

33:09

on now, you're being reductive here. I'm saying that

33:11

I was like, oh, I'm being reductive. I like

33:14

martinis and then I realized I only enjoyed them

33:16

for the olives. I don't think

33:18

I'm being reductive. I think you're insane.

33:20

OK, look. I'm

33:22

going to kick you off the show right now. I'm

33:25

just going to talk to Paul some more. You can try this. Game

33:27

over, man. What

33:29

would happen if I tried hitting you? I

33:31

hit you back. Well, that

33:33

would be two hits. I hitting you. Me hitting

33:35

you. There's three hits. OK. You

33:37

hitting me. Me hitting you. OK.

33:40

Me hitting you again. Do

33:42

either of us hit the floor at any event? Eventually you

33:44

will hit the floor. OK. Just from two hits? Keep on

33:47

hitting you. Oh, really? So this is more than two hits.

33:49

Which would be 10 hits. 10 hits. Me

33:51

with one, you with nine? What's the ratio? OK,

33:53

here's how it goes. You hitting me. Me

33:56

hitting you. Me hitting you again. Us

33:59

trying to hit you. We're trying to hit each other at the same time, but we

34:01

hit fists. Okay, so that's two. You

34:04

trying to hit me again, I duck, you hit the

34:06

wall. Okay, so that's set, we're up to seven at

34:08

this point. Me hitting you with an uppercut. You

34:11

go up like two inches off the floor.

34:14

Oh, okay, but I don't hit anything, so now we're

34:16

at eight. No, then it's your feet hitting the floor.

34:19

Okay, and then what? This is the tenth

34:21

hit, this is the last one. Then it's

34:23

you hitting the floor. Got it. Your

34:26

whole body. So other than feet, the

34:29

bottoms of the feet, because I guess the bottoms of the feet. No, no, no. The

34:32

bottoms of your feet will stay on the floor. What? Ouch!

34:36

And your ankles will break. Oh, no! I

34:39

don't want that to happen. No, you don't. I'm

34:41

not gonna hit you. Yeah, that's right, man. Okay,

34:43

Brock Lovett is on the show. Hello, Brock. Hi,

34:46

everybody. Hi. It's me,

34:48

Brock Lovett. You're the wettest guest we could

34:50

think of. I love this day, man. Yeah. It's

34:53

one of my favorite, you know what? It's my favorite day. You

34:55

haven't been on the show before to talk about it, but you, I mean, I've

34:57

thought about you ever- I've been celebrating. I've

35:00

thought about you every wet day. Boy, Brock must be like a

35:02

pig in shit today. I've thought about,

35:04

well, depending on how liquid the shit

35:06

is, sure. Pigs also

35:08

like mud. Yeah, they do. Yeah, why don't we say

35:10

a pig in mud? It's like a nicer way

35:12

to say- It's more kid-tailed. Yeah, nicer way to say

35:14

this expression. Do you think if a pig could understand

35:16

English and then people said, you're happier than a pig in

35:18

shit, the pig would be like, I beg your pardon? I like

35:21

mud mainly. I'm just trying to

35:23

cool off, dude. It's not

35:25

like it's my favorite thing. It's like, this is how

35:27

I reduce heat in my body. Exactly. Brock

35:30

loves it in here. Also, I'm very smart. Stop

35:32

eating me. Didn't

35:36

you read that Charlotte's Web book? I'm friendly, too. Turned

35:40

a lot of people vegan, I believe that book.

35:42

Charlotte's Web? Yeah. What? Yeah,

35:45

because they like that pig. What's his name? Wilbur? Wilbur.

35:49

Yeah, they like that pig so much. He's a French

35:51

Charlotte. Yeah, they like him so much. They read that

35:53

as a child and they can't ever imagine eating another

35:55

pig. Where are you getting this data? This

35:57

is look, I'm briefed on. I

36:00

get the presidential briefings have lowered off a

36:02

false sense or Iran at football. As

36:05

opposed to just about in full effect

36:07

school football. Yeah, it's nurse Scissors as

36:10

a timer on it as nervous phones.

36:12

Nerf is really great adventures and you

36:14

know it's great! In at

36:16

a pool parties to get the Nerf

36:18

ball, sobbing, sobbing where I love it and

36:20

throw it at someone or any the droplets

36:23

coming off and then it hit someone in

36:25

the face of hoping is a heavier than

36:27

normal his absence you feel explosion of water.

36:30

absolutely I'll fight breaks out really are for

36:32

well yeah I guess here is the feeling

36:34

of ganglia. Yes it's great. Reward!

36:36

Marcia got it. The Football Brady Bunch. I do

36:39

yet I'm old enough to remember that. I'm old

36:41

enough to remember when Marsa got hit with a

36:43

supports the cut off. For people. Knowing about that,

36:45

I think that the last people are about to

36:47

die. Or come off I

36:49

think millennials know about. do you really young

36:51

the to turn it into a meme? It's

36:53

a great mean. You know I would have

36:55

been on my face with that blood blood.

36:57

It was before you could show any blood

36:59

on Tv you weren't allowed. Yeah you know

37:01

of famously. A Lucy Ricardo was pregnant for

37:03

the first time on Tv but they wouldn't

37:05

allow her to have blood. You're. Coming

37:08

out during the during the birth or would show

37:10

her bloody they did so the birth yeah but

37:12

they did not and why are all the blow

37:14

to fluids have any to? I just came out

37:16

as a pristine like almost all like ceramic baby.

37:19

They did show the placenta but it was all

37:21

rinsed off. Rockets.

37:26

Great to see you happy when they

37:28

to have we were day man I

37:30

have many Urkel Sue you are already

37:33

are you yes and will be going

37:35

on with you Obviously like For the

37:37

for those of you who are not

37:39

familiar with Brock's adventures my Cv I

37:42

he goes under the sea every damn

37:44

day and he looks for wet treasure.

37:46

He will not touch dry treasure and

37:49

on know I hate dry treasure. Treasure

37:51

is better when it is wetter. Don't.

37:54

You agree with his success. Snow

37:57

What about a What about a

37:59

buried treasure? I Buried

38:02

where on a desert island maybe

38:04

if it's deep enough

38:06

that The sand is

38:08

like damp right and then maybe something gets in

38:11

there I wouldn't say no you wouldn't say no

38:13

to that Yeah, you wouldn't kick that out of

38:15

every man if I'm digging a hole and the

38:17

waves come in and it's just close enough Where

38:19

some water gets in there? That's great. That's fine

38:21

about you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I always start

38:23

digging there if I'm on land Right. Yeah. Yeah,

38:25

that's a great place to dig. Yeah, it's a

38:27

oh man It's a great place to do if

38:30

you're ever on land Yeah, just dig as close

38:32

to the water as people like to dig in

38:34

the sand and like little kids They got their

38:36

dumb little pails and shovels and whatever and they're

38:38

making sand castles. Yeah I'll go to just where

38:40

the water where it where that line is Yeah,

38:42

the dark to light rid you dark to light

38:45

and I'll start on the light the arms on

38:47

the other side Because I know when that tide

38:49

is coming in Some water

38:51

is gonna get in there. Yeah, that's why can't wait

38:53

can't wait. How often are you on land by the

38:55

way? Probably four days

38:57

a year for this guy. I love that you come

39:00

to us on these four days a year and you're

39:02

on the show Yeah, why not? I? Doc

39:05

a marina del Rey And

39:08

then I drive up sure. Yeah, I'm gonna take

39:10

a drive every once in a while Then I

39:12

get to rent a car. It's real fun. Is

39:15

it do you get reverse seasick when you're on

39:17

land you get land sick Oh, yeah. Yeah, maldeterra.

39:19

Yeah. Yeah, that could be absolutely terrible. Yeah. Yeah,

39:21

so still weird You Spent

39:25

your life almost being rocked to sleep, you know

39:27

by the ocean rock me in the cradle of

39:30

Abraham You know what I mean? They do know

39:32

what you mean rock my soul there. Yeah, of

39:34

course. That's what you mean Well,

39:36

it's great to see you. What's been going on. We haven't

39:39

seen you in a few months What has been going

39:41

on with you down there in the

39:43

depths? Have you picked up any interesting treasure? I

39:45

would love to hear about this. Um,

39:48

I've gotten some good treasure like

39:50

a bunch of Bloons, of

39:53

course. Okay doubloons are all over the

39:55

place. Can you cash those in at like

39:57

the coin star by now? Yeah, great Yeah

40:00

Because they're everywhere. Coinstar finally recognized

40:02

that these things are around and

40:04

they should count. Right. Yeah So

40:06

you can put them in the

40:08

coinstar. They made a bigger slot

40:11

You can get them in there. Some of

40:13

them were thick. Yeah, those are thick ass

40:15

balloons. Yeah, exactly I found a bunch of

40:17

like rubies. Oh good Some

40:20

diamond chandeliers. Oh, wow. Yeah. I

40:22

love I mean those would primarily

40:24

be in the ballrooms of ships

40:26

Absolute and but if those ships

40:29

sank, oh boy, they're down there

40:31

teaching dollar signs in my eyes Well,

40:34

you have turkeys in your eyes get those out of there get the

40:37

You know when you're hungry, you see the

40:39

the turkey. Oh something else turns into a turkey

40:43

In your eyes. Well, if the reflection is

40:45

in your eyes. All right, that's a technicality I'll

40:49

allow watch yourself. Okay. I will

40:51

do. Um, yeah, I found

40:54

A lot of you know what? There's a lot

40:56

of skeletons down there. Yeah, can you catch those in

40:59

at all? Do you take any with you if

41:01

they have gold teeth? Yeah. Yeah, what about to bring

41:03

in the whole skeleton? What if they're famous skeletons? Do

41:05

you ever check like an ID bracelet on him or

41:07

something? Like the elephant man bones, I would imagine

41:09

would be worth something Yeah,

41:11

but they're not underwater Mmm famous

41:14

people aren't who's the most famous person to

41:16

ever drown and we haven't recovered their bodies.

41:18

Well, dr. Skeleton That's

41:20

true. Yeah of the celebrity Yeah,

41:24

although I heard that he might have went

41:26

to an island and nevermind anyway Most

41:32

famous underwater skeleton probably Aquaman who was a

41:34

real guy. Yeah, he was not a superhero.

41:36

No, that's the thing He was introduced in

41:38

the probably the 40s in the comics. Yeah,

41:41

but he had a normal lifespan. He was

41:43

dead by 1955. Absolutely Yeah,

41:46

and he's down there, but he oh, he's down there.

41:48

All right, and I yeah, that's a

41:50

skeleton I would love to get a hold of yeah

41:53

But yeah, he was a he was just

41:55

a guy who actually could communicate pretty well

41:57

with fish Yeah in a rudimentary way using

41:59

sign language though like

42:01

using his hands as

42:03

flippers almost and and fsl yes

42:06

and he looked nothing

42:10

like Jason Momoa no like

42:12

Jason Momoa it's he wished he would

42:14

look like Jason Momoa he

42:16

was he was real butterface Aquaman

42:21

was a true uggo true uggo and

42:23

you can tell by the shape of

42:25

his skull he was like he was

42:27

like an Ohio to oof no

42:30

thank you but so have

42:32

you you found rubies you

42:35

found skeletons you found doubloons mm-hmm

42:37

this is incredible anything else

42:39

going on down there or well that

42:42

kind of a weird encounter oh uh

42:46

up above the the the no

42:49

no where's this under the sea this is under

42:51

the sea yeah really under

42:53

the sea okay what happened if if you

42:55

don't mind me asking this

42:57

is weird but I met somebody

43:00

oh like a

43:02

romantic partner no well it's

43:04

hard to say but I don't I don't

43:06

think so okay I don't know I have

43:08

complicated feelings about okay you met you meaning

43:10

you met someone you didn't it's it's so

43:12

interesting because the ocean is so vast so

43:14

vast you don't expect to run into anyone

43:16

down there here's like the weirdest thing I

43:18

ever see is like those dumb fish that

43:21

you can see through or they have a

43:23

flashlight on their head or whatever right you know I

43:25

mean a little lantern fish or whatever yeah oh that's

43:28

a good name for them yeah mate we should call

43:30

them that if they're not flashlight fish flashlight

43:33

fish come on man

43:35

you know I should have called them a book

43:38

light fish yeah they do see a fish

43:42

in the shape of a flashlight wouldn't it though yeah

43:45

that'd be a fish you

43:48

would become very rare I would imagine

43:51

why they'd be you

43:53

know so sought after you

43:55

think that people rather than using the

43:58

flashlight they can buy do

44:00

you prefer a

44:03

fish that looks like

44:05

a fleshlight? And is the appeal that it's alive

44:08

or that it's organic? Probably the organic part

44:10

of it. A fleshlight I would imagine

44:12

is a synthetic material. What's more

44:14

romantic than the smell of a rotting fish? That

44:17

gets me in the mood. What a day! They

44:19

don't have to run. What a day! Plus five?

44:22

They're really rare! I'm

44:25

talking about the fish in the deep deep ocean. Yeah,

44:28

wonderful. So what happened to you, Dan? So

44:30

I met

44:33

a lady?

44:36

I mean, she's hard to

44:38

describe. Oh, okay. Can you try or do

44:40

you know mermaids? Yeah, I've

44:43

seen splash once or twice in my life. Which

44:45

is it? Once. Yeah,

44:48

I thought so. I don't remember it. So

44:50

no, I don't know mermaids. You don't remember? She

44:53

ate the lobster with her hands? Oh,

44:55

right! Yeah, she cracked it open with her teeth

44:57

or something. John Candy played

44:59

a real creep for some reason. He always drops

45:02

in pennies so he can look up people's skirts.

45:04

Boy, boy. I don't like that he did

45:06

that. Why is... He laughed when I

45:08

was a kid. I know, but when I think about

45:11

it now and he's gone and I'm like, they shouldn't

45:13

have made John Candy do that. Yeah, I bet he

45:15

wanted to do it. Remember Eugene Levy gets the nova

45:17

cane in his leg. Oh, that's right. And he can't

45:19

walk. Oh, it's great. It's good. Kind

45:21

of the precursor to all of me where Steve Martin

45:23

has half of his body taken over by

45:25

the spirit of vengeful ghosts. Exactly, yeah. What

45:27

a terrifying movie. Oh my god, a horror

45:29

movie if I've ever seen one. But

45:33

so mermaids are like the top

45:35

half is a lady and the bottom half

45:37

is a fish. Oh yeah, that's

45:39

right. Yeah. So it's like

45:41

a half and half. It's much like a half and

45:43

half. Yeah. But this lady that

45:45

I met, top half

45:48

lady, kind of. Okay.

45:52

Bottom half, kind of an octopus. Oh

45:54

wow. Okay. Interesting.

45:57

And what do you mind me asking?

46:01

I asked this about anyone in his story. What color

46:03

was she? Was

46:09

it I mean meaning was a purple like an

46:11

octopus oh Yeah,

46:13

pretty much purple like an octopus

46:15

hmm but but like also wearing

46:17

a like kind of a black dress

46:19

that covered all of the

46:22

The naughty bit it must have been bespoke You

46:25

gotta be couture was well, did you

46:27

have any jewelry at all? I

46:30

think like a nice necklace. Yeah, it looks like

46:32

maybe Some

46:34

sort of a gold. Yeah, like a medallion

46:36

medallion. I mean, that's what caught my eyes

46:38

I saw the glint of gold and I

46:40

was like it's time to punch

46:42

in Brock. Oh You

46:45

don't put it until you actually see the course. I don't

46:47

punch in all the clock Oh, it's just a thing. I

46:49

say to myself to get myself psyched. All right so

46:54

Interesting because I this is gorgeous head of hair

46:57

Yeah, this is ringing some bells to me.

46:59

Oh really? Yeah, I think I've met this

47:01

person. Okay Let's say her name on

47:04

the count of three. Okay, is it three and then

47:06

we say the name or it's three Then we say

47:08

the name. Yeah, are we counting down from

47:10

three or counting up to three? Let's

47:13

count up count up from zero

47:16

one. Okay, yeah, no zero. Okay

47:18

zero one negative one. Okay, here we go

47:21

Negative one zero one

47:23

nose What's

47:25

that? Oh, you don't know what that is. No

47:29

Of course you wouldn't We're sorry.

47:31

Okay negative one zero one nose three

47:37

Ursula what that's right. I've met this

47:39

person before well, do you she's actually

47:41

she's in the car Do you mind

47:44

just find the car? Yeah, she went in there. I

47:46

hope so. Oh, yeah cars filled with water. Okay good

47:50

You drive into like a river or something like that and

47:52

fill it up with water a little of the hose. Oh,

47:55

okay great Yeah, yeah, I mean could

47:57

could she come in? I think that would be great.

47:59

Yeah Oh, okay. Hey!

48:02

Ursula! Come on in! Well,

48:07

well, well, well, you finally

48:09

let me out of the car.

48:12

Yeah, I did. I understand you've been here

48:14

before. Oh, does

48:17

that bother you? I don't know. I

48:19

don't know how to feel about it. You

48:21

know, I don't know why you're still hunting

48:23

the heart of the ocean when you've got

48:25

the octopussy of the sea right in front

48:27

of you. Hi, Ursula! Oh,

48:30

hello! Great to see you again. You

48:32

remember being on the show? Absolutely.

48:35

It was the highlight of my

48:37

time on Earth. I'm back under

48:39

the water now. Oh, I see. Which

48:42

is not on Earth. It's... It's above

48:44

the Earth. It's part of the

48:46

globe, I suppose. But it's certainly not

48:48

on land. Yeah, exactly. When

48:50

I hear on Earth, I think on land.

48:53

Yes, same. We bonded over that. Yeah. It's

48:56

one of the few things we had in common. True.

48:59

So you, Ursula, of course, we

49:01

all know you. It's so interesting.

49:03

You're both real people that movies have

49:05

been based upon. Oh,

49:08

thank you. You know, most people say that The

49:10

Little Mermaid was based on The Little Mermaid. Right.

49:12

And I disagree. I consider it to be a biopic about you. As

49:15

the antagonist, I absolutely agree.

49:17

Then nothing would have happened without me

49:19

there. Did you bond over that about having

49:21

these depictions of you in movies? Yeah,

49:24

like kind of being portrayed as

49:26

an anti-hero. Yes, yes. Not

49:29

quite being seen the way

49:31

we were. Exactly. All I

49:33

was trying to do was find some treasure. You

49:36

know, had I been in your movie, I could have

49:38

sucked you under the sea, taken your voice and made

49:40

you a madman. Then you could have gotten that necklace

49:42

right away. Really? How would that have

49:44

worked? I take people's voices all

49:46

the time. No, I understand that. No, I've seen that part

49:48

of it. I take their voice out of their love. No,

49:50

I know that part of it. How does he get the-

49:52

Out of their lyrics, please. How does he get the Cordilla

49:54

Bear from that just by being a mermaid?

49:57

It's underwater, scot, keep up. Yeah, but

49:59

I mean- I mean the ocean is so huge.

50:01

Well because I would have been able to swim around.

50:03

Immediately. You would have seen where it landed. I could

50:05

probably swim pretty fast, right? As

50:08

a merman? Very quickly. How quick? You

50:10

know those videos where they show a

50:13

bunch of animals racing each other so you know

50:15

how fast they can go and it's set to

50:17

the same Katy Perry song? Ooh, like a cheetah

50:20

is always quite fast. Cheetah's always quite fast. But

50:23

they did a fish one but there were no

50:25

mermaids or mermen in there. So

50:27

we don't know how fast these things are. Well

50:29

let me give you an idea. Sure. You

50:32

know how fast a shark swims? Yeah, real fast.

50:35

Not quite that fast. So

50:38

mermen and merlades, mermaids

50:40

I guess, are unable to outrate

50:42

sharks? Oh merlades, hello 1955. Sorry.

50:46

Yeah. But if you get

50:48

modern, Scott, they're mermaids. But

50:51

sharks can eat merpeople? Sharks

50:54

can swim faster than a merperson. Why did you jump right to fast? Yes. You're

50:57

talking about speed. Why? I

50:59

just, if I were a merperson I would want to be the fastest

51:01

thing under the ocean so I could outrace anything. But

51:04

you know, we don't have any, I say we, I'm

51:06

not a merman yet. Are you

51:08

considering being a merman? I'm thinking about it. Well

51:10

you know, speaking of eating mermaids, if you want

51:12

to... Okay

51:15

Ursula, alright. Plant

51:17

your poor unfortunate soul patch

51:20

in my salty garden. I

51:22

wouldn't have a problem with that. Ursula,

51:25

I gotta ask, you seem to be

51:27

wearing a dress but it's connected to

51:29

your tentacles. Are your tentacles part of

51:31

the dress or... Hey man, you

51:33

ever heard of gloves? This guy.

51:38

Must be hard to get on. How much of me

51:40

do you want to see, Scott? I'll show you whatever you

51:42

want to see. Really? Just know

51:44

there's no un-seeing it once you see...

51:46

Is that a C part? S-E-A. Okay,

51:49

got it. So

51:52

you guys, you met under the C

51:54

and you hit it off, I guess. How

51:56

did you communicate down there? Because Ursula, you

51:58

can talk under the... water, right? Yeah,

52:01

Scott, have you not seen my movie based

52:03

on me? I have seen it, and I know

52:05

you were talking to, what was her

52:07

name, Ariel? Oh, you thought we were being dubbed,

52:09

like in a Dutch Pippi Longstocking?

52:12

Exactly, yes. No, no, we

52:14

were really talking. Yeah, you were just saying

52:16

glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, and then someone

52:19

from the loop group came in. You know,

52:21

they considered it doing

52:23

that way, but we can speak both.

52:25

We glug, glug, when there's no humans

52:27

around. We speak English when they are.

52:29

We're very transversial. I did that.

52:31

Very transversial. I was in my

52:34

little submersible, and I have

52:36

a speaker on it, an external speaker. Oh,

52:39

really? And I said, get in my little

52:41

submersible. Is it the same technology that,

52:43

like those wireless speakers that you

52:45

put in the shower that are waterproof? Exactly.

52:48

Bluetooth connect. Is

52:50

it hard to connect the... Do you ever get down underneath, you know,

52:52

your 20,000 leagues down there, and you're like, ah,

52:56

my Bluetooth won't connect. You

52:58

don't go 20,000... Okay. Leagues

53:01

is not a measurement of depth, and

53:03

you gotta blame Jules Verne for that. I

53:06

apologize. I've only heard it in relation to

53:08

his famous story. Of course, 20,000 leagues under

53:10

the sea. It's a measurement of how far

53:12

you go. No. We merpeople

53:16

use it as a ranking. Oh,

53:18

really? What league are you in? Oh,

53:21

she's out of your league. Not a thing

53:23

you two talk about on Earth, I suppose.

53:27

Do you have the movie She's Out of My League down there?

53:29

What? That

53:32

must have been stolen from a mermaid's

53:34

laptop. I think Jay Baruchel is a

53:36

merman. Well, probably. Who probably

53:38

did the Little Mermaid, like, you know, magic

53:40

trick that you did at the aerial. Absolutely.

53:42

He got legs. And you know

53:44

how to use them. Somebody else has

53:47

taken people's voices and given them legs. And I've never

53:49

heard him sing. I

53:52

would love to hear him sing Jay Baruchel.

53:55

Jay Baruchel. So

54:00

you guys struck up a conversation? Or

54:02

Ursula, were you gonna kill him? Absolutely.

54:06

With my giant vagina.

54:09

I was hoping to lure

54:11

him into my cave. And again, by that

54:13

I mean my giant vagina. Yeah, I

54:15

see. But I wouldn't really kill

54:17

you. I would just keep you there with the other

54:19

little booger root vegetables I have growing there. The

54:22

what? You know all those sad little people

54:24

whose voices I've taken. Oh, the poor

54:26

unfortunate soul. Those people. Yeah. They're

54:29

all still up in there. Oh, all of

54:31

them. So you're sharing space up

54:34

there, Brock, if you ever

54:37

consummate this relationship? Or have you consummated the relationship?

54:39

Hey man, look, I'm not hung up on body

54:41

counts, you know what I mean? Like

54:43

live your life. I'm not gonna... Who am

54:45

I? I'm not a saint. I'm

54:47

not like... How many... What is your

54:49

body count? My body count? Yeah.

54:54

What? This

54:57

is why you're not judgmental. I got a girl in every port,

54:59

you know what I mean? Fails

55:03

in comparison to my body count. Oh, I'm

55:05

sure. And let's not forget that

55:08

when you're submersible, conked out

55:10

underwater, you used one of my electric

55:12

eels for a jump start. It's true.

55:15

You know, I was trying to talk to her through

55:17

the Bluetooth speaker, and it was that

55:19

thing where it keeps just going, battery

55:21

low, please recharge. And I'm like, you

55:24

know, it's like, what happens in the shower? Like, what do you

55:26

want me to do about it now? Stop

55:30

saying that. We had a good laugh over

55:32

that. We did have a good laugh over that. And so the electric

55:34

eel gave it a jump. Yes, Blossom

55:36

did it. Jetsom's really

55:39

not cooperating lately. Do they like being called

55:41

that or is that... I mean, are they... Do

55:43

they re- I know, I know. I

55:46

don't love clever names for pets anymore, but remember, I named

55:48

them in the 90s. Oh, that's right.

55:50

Too late. But it's like if you had

55:52

two cats and you named them garbage and trash. I

55:54

would never know, but in 1992, I would have. It

55:57

was adaptable back then, of course. miss

56:00

the 90s. Oh you want to go back

56:02

there. So when these things are acceptable. I

56:04

would love to go back to the 90s

56:06

for great. My little broccoli we agree again.

56:09

I didn't know you were going to call me

56:11

that in front of everybody. Oh are

56:13

you blushing broccoli? Yes I am

56:16

Percilla. Are you?

56:18

Oh now we're using

56:20

all our pet names I see. I

56:22

call her Percilla because she's full of coins. It's

56:26

true that's where that came from. So

56:28

you guys struck up a I

56:30

guess a romance and how did

56:33

the interaction end? Not well.

56:36

No. No. If I

56:38

could do it over again I would. Really? If

56:41

you could turn back time. Let's turn back time.

56:43

If I could find a way. Let's

56:46

do it. What happens? We

56:48

wait you're already to let's do it. No no

56:50

no no no no no no no.

56:53

You can't just say Lola and we

56:55

go back. No no no no no.

56:57

No it's not happening. Lola Lola Lola.

56:59

Here we are in my sea

57:01

cave. Wow. So I

57:04

see you got your bag back. Well

57:07

yeah I gotta go sew my treasure. Oh

57:09

I see important things. Not like

57:11

you have a treasure here. But

57:14

I mean I gotta make a living.

57:16

Oh sure career over love. Look

57:19

don't catch in the cradle me all right. Catch

57:22

in the cradle you. Am I your father

57:24

now? Well I mean I'm

57:27

using the look it's

57:30

nothing personal. I had a great time with you.

57:32

I've heard this before. I do have a life

57:34

of my own you know. This is

57:38

us doing it again or are we letting them know what

57:40

happened? No I thought you guys are just.

57:42

We were in the past. No you guys

57:44

are just reenacting this for us. We're watching

57:47

this. I can't live through this again from

57:49

on. Now we're back

57:51

in real time. You've always been in

57:53

real time. Look honest I get the

57:55

point like this. You

58:00

didn't go anywhere. No, no, no, no. Oh, so your

58:02

bag is packed. Nope.

58:04

I'm staying. Thank God. That didn't

58:07

happen. I know. We're...

58:10

Okay, look. What are the rules? The

58:12

rules are is... I understand that you

58:15

guys had a falling out, but

58:17

I'm here to say that it looks

58:19

like you both really care about each

58:21

other. And honestly, if you

58:23

want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Oh.

58:27

Wow. We're going to say, bang, bangs, paying

58:29

for a second date. How much did you think that would

58:31

be? Where can we go? I'm

58:34

going to say, we could go to Spain. To a

58:36

public pool. Oh, we had different ideas. A

58:38

public pool. How about a public pool in Spain? I

58:40

don't know how much this network makes.

58:44

They said they'd pay for it. It doesn't matter. Oh,

58:46

we get to choose. Yeah. This

58:48

is the thing is no one has really taken advantage

58:50

of the fact that I put

58:52

out this blanket offer and you

58:55

can really drain me dry with

58:57

it. Let's go to Spain. Oh man, on

58:59

wet day to drain somebody dry? No. Let's

59:02

go to space. Let's go to space. Space?

59:04

A space ocean. Are you... would you have to take

59:06

a bunch of water up there? You

59:09

need water to survive, right? Surely there's another ocean

59:11

up there. There's got to be. They can't be

59:13

the only ocean and the only beings

59:15

in the whole universe. Think about

59:17

it. Infinite, yeah. I mean, they haven't...

59:19

have they found water on Mars? I don't

59:21

know. They keep saying maybe they're gonna. I

59:24

feel like they found ice up there. Mars for men. I don't

59:26

want to go there. Is it Mars for what? They kicked me

59:28

right off. Maybe we should go to Venus. Yes,

59:30

Venus. That's where we are from. There's got to be

59:32

plenty of water on Venus, right? Got

59:34

to be. Why? Because

59:37

it rhymes with penis and that's something wet. I

59:39

guess. I don't know. But maybe it's so

59:41

close to the sun that maybe it evaporates. I don't

59:43

know. Oh, come on, man. Two

59:46

notes. Seems like it would have water. Yeah. Ribbling

59:48

and then... Traveling. And then...

59:51

Traveling all over the place. Yeah. And

59:53

then we have to find other planets that

59:55

we could survive on for a long time

59:57

that have water and that's the main main.

59:59

never paid for it. So why

1:00:02

don't you give us a ship

1:00:04

where we can explore the outer reaches of

1:00:06

the universe. Yes, a bigger budget than

1:00:08

NASA. I want more than diapers and dry

1:00:10

ice cream, please. And this has got to be a waterproof ship

1:00:13

because you have to take a bunch of water up there that

1:00:15

you can... Look who had an offer and

1:00:17

now it's being picky, picky. Boy, oh boy,

1:00:19

I guess we're not doing this. Fine, we'll

1:00:21

go to the puppet pool. Okay,

1:00:24

yeah, great. In Spain. Alright,

1:00:27

fine, in Spain. Yes,

1:00:29

we'll have ham by the pool. The

1:00:31

rain in Spain on wet day stays

1:00:33

mainly in the plane. I hope you'll stay there. No, we're

1:00:35

going to be on the plane for sure. I

1:00:38

mean, do we have to go today if it's going

1:00:40

to be on wet day? Yeah, you have to go

1:00:42

on wet day. This is the perfect day to do

1:00:44

it. I feel rushed. See,

1:00:47

this did happen real fast. So fast. I'm guessing

1:00:49

this is part of the problem. Now I'm not...

1:00:52

Neither of you want to commit? No, I have a life

1:00:54

too. Hey man, you both have commitment issues. This is on

1:00:56

you. Oh, it's on me. I'm not here to pay

1:00:58

for this and then you... I gotta

1:01:00

say it, muddy the waters and now we don't

1:01:03

know what's going on. Muddy waters are fine on

1:01:05

wet day as long as it's wet. You

1:01:09

got me there. Yeah. Well,

1:01:12

look, I'll think about it, okay? Things are

1:01:14

complicated for me too. I've got people to

1:01:17

ruin. I know. Fast, fast. Are

1:01:19

you in the middle of like... Lowering people to their deaths and so

1:01:21

forth. Yes, yes. Are you in the middle

1:01:23

of contracts right now where like, you know, certain days

1:01:25

are elapsing and they're gonna... Oh yes,

1:01:27

I need many mermaid signatures. I have

1:01:30

things to do. Yeah, you

1:01:32

guys, I really think that

1:01:34

neither of you wants to settle down. Look,

1:01:37

and that's fine. You enjoyed your time together. That's

1:01:39

the truth you are. I

1:01:41

don't know why. What did you say? I

1:01:45

sounded like soda. Are

1:01:49

you Yoda by the way? Because you're... I

1:01:51

mean, you're purple, not green. Purple I

1:01:53

am. Oh! What's going on?

1:01:56

You have a case of the Yodas. No,

1:01:59

I hate... it when it happens with this. Oh

1:02:02

dear. You have Yoda sickness? Sometimes

1:02:04

when I come to earth I get confused.

1:02:06

I do. Dagobah, that would be a

1:02:08

great planet for you guys. Oh man, it's so swampy.

1:02:13

Four we could use in

1:02:16

my pussy. There's

1:02:18

one cave you don't want to go into on Dagobah, but

1:02:20

I think every everywhere else is fine. That was like a

1:02:22

Yoda fortune cookie. Well

1:02:28

guys, we are running out of time for this

1:02:30

segment, but can you stick around? We

1:02:32

have another guest. We have a barber. Just

1:02:34

don't make me wait in the car again. It

1:02:36

was getting quite hot. And Ursula, your hair

1:02:38

is... Oh, is it bad? No, it's just

1:02:41

a little longer than I've ever seen it.

1:02:43

Oh yes, thank you. I've been growing it

1:02:45

out. I think it looks good. Thank you.

1:02:47

I mean, if you got a gorgeous head

1:02:49

of hair, why not flaunt it? Why not

1:02:51

flaunt it? It stays white no matter what I do.

1:02:53

I've tried to dye it. Nothing sticks. Because

1:02:56

it's wet. And white. And

1:02:59

magical. And you can mispronounce white as

1:03:01

wet. And that's great for wet

1:03:04

day. That's perfect for wet day. That's right.

1:03:06

My wet, wet hair. It's

1:03:08

a nice day for a wet

1:03:10

wedding. All right, that's another wet

1:03:12

day, Carol, I think. That's right.

1:03:15

We have to take a break. When

1:03:17

we come back, we're going to have

1:03:19

this barber. This is very exciting. And

1:03:22

Paul, you're still in here? Yeah, man.

1:03:24

All right, great. And agree. Oh,

1:03:26

okay. Well, this is incredible. It only took you

1:03:28

the length of the segment to

1:03:31

read that. We're going to come right back. We're

1:03:33

going to have more from Paul, more from Brock

1:03:35

Lovett, more from Ursula, and a barber. We'll be

1:03:37

right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang were backed.

1:04:42

ah Brock Lovett is here

1:04:44

and Ursula also hear from

1:04:46

the Little Mermaid film and

1:04:48

and Brock obviously from Titanic

1:04:50

sort of mom's I mean

1:04:52

you hated. By. There are people

1:04:54

would know you from that. I mean that's one

1:04:56

thing that that makes you famous. And

1:05:00

like is you? I mean. If. They're

1:05:02

this far and you don't to bring

1:05:04

of Titanic again as I know it brings

1:05:06

up. it's just it's a sore point

1:05:08

for you. Yeah, it sucked spirited of.

1:05:10

Do think I should have saved at the of those people

1:05:12

I was the. Air. Hell no I said of

1:05:14

the whole iceberg in front of the boat grill.

1:05:16

You let me that we're all rich ass holes,

1:05:19

right? Other than the people down below decks. Gotta.

1:05:21

Feel sorry for them. I don't differentiate

1:05:24

one was a nouveau riche asshole. Molly

1:05:26

Brown mom. The.

1:05:29

Unthinkable is gorgeous. I liked her though

1:05:31

She's out of everyone. In the movie sees

1:05:33

the What. As. You later as he did you

1:05:35

see her ugh on the way down when

1:05:37

she drowned to death. He as I said

1:05:39

what are the know a famously disapprove of.

1:05:42

Oh that's right, the at. The

1:05:44

Never Mind must have seen someone

1:05:46

else. Did you hear about them? Single

1:05:48

mother browser dramatise may eventually she died.

1:05:51

Here with us food and we haven't

1:05:53

talked about how. I

1:05:55

was a have a heart attack as you imposing

1:05:57

and I don't know what does I could be.

1:06:00

right is what I'm saying. You better look it up.

1:06:05

How did... Don't look it up in YouTube. I don't want

1:06:07

to hear an ad. She died, let's see, would that be

1:06:09

in personal life? Later life

1:06:18

and death. She

1:06:22

brain tumor. Well,

1:06:27

glad we got that on the record. But guess what?

1:06:30

At the ceremony there was singing

1:06:32

but no eulogy. Okay.

1:06:36

Not sure why that was important to

1:06:38

put in there. Is there anything under

1:06:40

controversy? Nope, she was never canceled. It

1:06:42

looks like legacy. She's got plenty. Well,

1:06:45

look guys, we need to get to

1:06:47

our next guest. And it's

1:06:49

wet day so we wanted to have someone

1:06:51

on to really talk about those

1:06:54

liquid substances, especially the liquid that

1:06:56

the combs go into. Oh man,

1:06:58

I forgot about that. Yeah, the

1:07:00

blue liquid. So many liquids to

1:07:02

talk to him about. Please

1:07:04

welcome to the show for the first time

1:07:06

Bernie Cut. That's me. That's me. Hi. My

1:07:09

name, don't wear it out. It's

1:07:12

really nice to be here. Happy wet day.

1:07:14

Happy wet day to you. Many Urcles to

1:07:16

you, of course. Many Urcles. I

1:07:19

will miss Belushi. I was a Belushi guy.

1:07:21

Were you really? I was a little bit

1:07:23

of a Belushi guy. I gotta admit I

1:07:25

kind of was too but he went. He

1:07:27

ain't out there reppin wet day. Well, you

1:07:29

know, there's always a maybe, maybe,

1:07:31

maybe, maybe, maybe he'll be, well, we'll

1:07:34

miss him. Yeah, we will. What's cool

1:07:36

guy. What fun to have you. Oh, by

1:07:38

the way, this is Ursula. Ursula, nice to

1:07:40

meet you. Hello. You're a sea witch. I

1:07:42

mean, we've never... Yes, it's not a bad

1:07:44

word, Scott. I mean, it sounds too much

1:07:46

profession. It sounds a lot like the C

1:07:48

word. You know what I mean? Oh, cunt.

1:07:51

Cunt. Oh my.

1:07:53

I don't know if sea witch and cunt

1:07:55

sound anything like. I mean, well, anyway.

1:07:58

But yes, she's a sea witch. Which she can

1:08:00

you think that show the C word a lot

1:08:02

of people wouldn't watch it because they thought that's

1:08:05

what the word was What's the

1:08:07

C word? Can the

1:08:09

show is can't oh, I thought it was the L word, but

1:08:11

don't you think that's what they were going for? Yeah,

1:08:14

well, I think there was I think they were trying to have fun

1:08:17

Yeah with our expectations. Yeah, but I think that a lot

1:08:19

of people were like well I'm not gonna watch that show.

1:08:21

Yeah, if they just say that over and over like you

1:08:23

guys are right now Yeah

1:08:27

Hey, it's great to meet you.

1:08:29

It's very nice to meet you. I am a I'm

1:08:32

a barber I am the owner of Bernie's

1:08:35

barbershop Congratulations out of Scottsdale. Did have you

1:08:37

always owned it or did you buy it

1:08:39

out from some now? I started it by

1:08:42

myself 68

1:08:45

that was yeah, so you've been in the profession so

1:08:47

long over 55 years 55 years and it is an

1:08:49

old-school kind

1:08:51

of traditional barbershop You

1:08:54

know, it's part of the reason I'm here is It's

1:08:58

not what people are looking for in it. They

1:09:00

want something fancy and I don't that's not that's

1:09:02

not really my game Oh, okay, and that you

1:09:05

know, I'm trying to get people back into the the

1:09:07

mode of just coming traditionally having

1:09:10

the services of a traditional barbershop

1:09:12

and putting aside this super cuts

1:09:14

or super clip super cuts is too modern for

1:09:16

you Too much. I mean you go in there.

1:09:18

You're not even getting it You know, there's a

1:09:20

difference between the barber and a hair

1:09:22

stylist or somebody sure what but elucidate

1:09:24

for me What exactly would you consider

1:09:26

the well, you have to go to

1:09:29

a completely different like a wet word.

1:09:31

It does. Yeah Yeah, it

1:09:33

definitely has a liquid you in there. Yeah

1:09:36

So that's all right by me. It'll use to date

1:09:42

Anyway, I Get that word

1:09:44

a lot when people walk into your store

1:09:46

because I think that would be well We're

1:09:48

known as the country barbershop and really yeah

1:09:50

I Can

1:09:55

I ask so the shop started in 1968

1:09:57

but 68 were you the proprietor

1:10:00

or was that like your dad or something? It

1:10:03

was a family family business. Okay. Because

1:10:05

you don't seem that that elderly,

1:10:07

frankly. I was I was born in 1967. I'm 55.

1:10:09

Okay. I was born in 1968 in the barbershop. By

1:10:11

the way, I was born

1:10:17

in the... well I started it as Bernie's.

1:10:19

The day I was born my father

1:10:22

gave it to me and my two...

1:10:24

So had I asked you whether you had inherited it

1:10:26

or bought it out. I don't remember you asking that.

1:10:31

I don't remember you asking that. But to be clear you

1:10:33

were born in the barbershop that your father that's

1:10:35

right and he gave it to you. Well he

1:10:37

leased it and that's why I was the first

1:10:40

one to own it. The story gets worse and

1:10:42

worse. Imagine slipping out all nice and wet and landing

1:10:44

and dry cutting. Good

1:10:46

grief with a way to start. Especially

1:10:49

on wet day. Were you born on wet day? It's

1:10:51

hard and feather. Born on wet day. I mean April

1:10:53

8th. Oh

1:10:55

that's not wet day. That's two days shy

1:10:57

of wet day unfortunately. Oh well that's nice.

1:10:59

So you want to be really really dry

1:11:02

then. What day is dry day? I mean

1:11:04

dry day. Honestly it's almost every day. Every other

1:11:07

day? Yeah. That's like when you ask your parents

1:11:09

when is kids day and they're like every day

1:11:11

is kids day. Can

1:11:14

I ask you something? Yeah. When

1:11:16

you have your hair done. When

1:11:18

you you want it either cut

1:11:21

or trimmed, what is the

1:11:23

experience that you are looking for? Well

1:11:26

you know just me personally

1:11:28

I like no talking. Mmm.

1:11:31

I've had I

1:11:33

had some recently where I went into one place

1:11:35

and had someone who really wanted to chat and

1:11:38

it took two

1:11:40

hours and a person with hair like mine

1:11:42

it should be a 20-minute thing I think.

1:11:45

I agree. Well it depends what services

1:11:47

you're looking for. Oh okay. We offer

1:11:49

different services. What services do you have?

1:11:52

We can do any of it. We'll do cuts or trims.

1:11:55

We do blowouts, shaves, grease outs,

1:11:57

powders, massages, lubes and creamies. Touchers,

1:12:00

bleachers, nail clips.

1:12:02

We do vein reduction with push.

1:12:04

I don't wanna be less vain, I'm not

1:12:06

getting that. No, you wouldn't want that.

1:12:08

This is a traditional barber shop. This

1:12:10

is traditional. Vein reduction.

1:12:13

Vein reduction, wet pushes.

1:12:15

Scalp smokings, corner scrapes,

1:12:17

undermuds, vibration, cold stretches,

1:12:19

two or four minutes. You

1:12:23

can choose. What are cold stretches?

1:12:25

That's where you just sit there cold for a stretch?

1:12:28

We chill you in stretch shoes.

1:12:30

My stash tails neck bunching, forehead

1:12:32

milking. And we

1:12:35

also have complimentary day quill and

1:12:37

a toy closet. Wow,

1:12:40

the toy closet. That's a lot, I mean, is

1:12:42

it filled with toys? Yeah,

1:12:44

for while you're waiting. Little fun little

1:12:46

toys and knickknacks. I have a toy

1:12:48

closet like that as well. Oh, I

1:12:51

know what you mean by that. I know you do. So

1:12:53

the souls of mermaids. You know,

1:12:55

for just one of your voices, I could make you into

1:12:57

a merman. I'm not putting it out on the table. How

1:12:59

many voices do you have? I

1:13:01

have one point. Oh, okay, he only

1:13:04

has the one. Yes, that's the point, yes. No,

1:13:07

I would not be able to do what

1:13:09

I love and that's take care of people's

1:13:11

hair underwater. Are you kidding, mermaids have so

1:13:13

much hair. How do you cut that underwater?

1:13:15

That seems like it might be. Where we

1:13:18

don't have any barbers. I would think that

1:13:20

scissors would rust and be unusable after

1:13:22

a little while. That's right. If

1:13:24

it was down under the feet. Also people

1:13:27

don't know what to call scissors down there.

1:13:29

True, yeah, what are those scissors?

1:13:31

What you have to do is really swim

1:13:33

swiftly in front of a shark so that your

1:13:35

hair gets in their mouth but not your head.

1:13:37

We lose a lot of mermaids this way. Yeah,

1:13:40

well you can't swim faster than a shark. I

1:13:42

bet it's funny to see the shark going like,

1:13:44

pew, pew. It's so funny. That

1:13:48

sounds sarcastic. No. It's

1:13:50

just my voice. Let's

1:13:52

not fight it. I'm not interested. I, and it's

1:13:55

nothing to do with you or how much. I

1:13:57

had the courage to say that more often on

1:13:59

this show. I think you should. I

1:14:01

think you should. You should. It's the

1:14:03

one thing you should be able to do all

1:14:05

the time. I'm not interested. I'm not interested. This

1:14:08

is what... When you come

1:14:10

into Bernie's, it's a different experience. And

1:14:13

I'm confused as to why people

1:14:15

are choosing sports clips. Sure.

1:14:17

Well, sports clips is the best. Fantastic

1:14:20

Sam. I hate when I'm getting my

1:14:22

hair cut and there's no sports around me. No,

1:14:26

we have... Taking that half hour without

1:14:28

sports, that is just... Sports clips guarantees

1:14:30

there's gonna be TV there with sports on it. Do

1:14:32

you have a lot of TVs in the submersible... There's

1:14:36

not a ton of surface room, but four?

1:14:39

Four, and they're playing different channels. Yeah.

1:14:42

Different sports. With the volume on?

1:14:44

Yeah. All of them. All of them.

1:14:47

There's the life down there. I can watch a darts tournament over here. I

1:14:50

can watch a spelling bee. You

1:14:52

consider that to be sports. It's on ESPN. Oh,

1:14:54

okay. If it's a competition, it's a sport.

1:14:56

That's right. Right. It's

1:14:59

the life down there. Yeah, really. Yeah. I

1:15:01

understand you have your... You are no deal

1:15:03

island. Your loyalty

1:15:05

to sports clips, but I'd like to invite you into

1:15:07

the birdies. Let me ask you this. You say you're

1:15:09

an old fashioned barber shop. Do you

1:15:11

have sun bleach playboys on a little table? Yep.

1:15:14

We have a couple in the back room buried

1:15:16

in a little plant. To

1:15:19

stimulate the experience of finding porn in the woods.

1:15:22

That's great. The experience of what? Finding porn

1:15:24

in the woods. Oh, great. We

1:15:26

send people in the back and say, take away. I

1:15:28

tell you what, I am going to check out this barber shop before

1:15:31

I have to go back under the water. You

1:15:33

should. You should come on in. A lot

1:15:35

of people think Bernie's is just for males

1:15:37

and it's for anybody with hair. We're

1:15:40

happy to... When you walk

1:15:42

in, this is how it goes. You're

1:15:45

immediately going to see me go, hey. Oh,

1:15:48

no. Hey, hi. Welcome

1:15:51

to Bernie's. That's friendly. A lot of places you go

1:15:53

in. Some snotty little teenager

1:15:55

at the front desk is like the

1:15:57

end of an appointment. We are walk-ins

1:15:59

only. Walk-ins only really yeah, so I

1:16:01

would imagine if I wanted to make an appointment

1:16:03

in order to cut down the time I have

1:16:05

to spend there not able to know no phone

1:16:08

no phone no phone. We have no phone wait What if

1:16:10

what if I'm sorry what if someone has a heart attack?

1:16:14

Well, I mean you're kind

1:16:16

on your own. Why would you make a phone call in the middle

1:16:18

of a heart attack? What

1:16:21

were you gonna ask brought? I was gonna

1:16:23

say do you do that thing? Do you

1:16:26

have that thing the massager the old metal

1:16:28

massager the vibrates and yeah you like after

1:16:30

the haircut you like rub the guy's shoulders

1:16:32

Yeah, I'm wondering about those if you're the

1:16:34

barber I went to one time you go

1:16:36

down on the chest Get

1:16:38

weird very intimate. Oh for sure and you're

1:16:40

sort of thinking to yourself am I being

1:16:42

violated right now? You're gonna go

1:16:45

lower How far

1:16:47

down is this guy? I can go I Full-on

1:16:50

been accused of that myself. I

1:16:52

get accused pretty

1:16:54

constantly of doing what we know

1:16:56

in the barber the barber industry

1:16:59

as Cut

1:17:01

humping or it's like a dry hump

1:17:03

to the side of the body and

1:17:05

it's not controllable because I'm I'm cutting

1:17:07

here I can't control how close my

1:17:09

body is to the person that I'm

1:17:11

kind of rubbing up against and I

1:17:13

will and yeah Can I can't control

1:17:15

if it is arousing to them or

1:17:17

mostly me? And then by

1:17:19

the end of the cut there my arms are

1:17:22

around you and I didn't even notice I had done Yeah,

1:17:26

take yeah take these away I don't get to dry hump

1:17:28

in the water by the way we don't like to hear

1:17:30

about never We don't like to hear

1:17:32

about dry humping on wet day. Yeah, okay, just

1:17:34

what hoping What

1:17:36

is it can be sort of bad? I sort

1:17:39

of do like it most something is what well

1:17:41

you dry humping is just an investment in a

1:17:43

wet hump It's

1:17:48

just a sound payment on a wet. It's a wish your

1:17:51

hump me It's

1:17:53

putting it on layaway. Yeah, it's it's putting

1:17:55

your hump on layaway and that's it. I'll

1:17:57

allow it then Yeah, why does yourself count?

1:18:01

Thank you. Thank you. So, I mean, that

1:18:03

we do have that utensil. We have every

1:18:05

utensil you can think of. We have to

1:18:07

clean it. And the barberside

1:18:10

is what you guys want to... The

1:18:14

barberside? That's what we were trying to think of.

1:18:16

That's what we were referencing earlier. It sounds like

1:18:18

homicide or... Hair murder. ...patricide. It sounds

1:18:20

like you kill a barber with it, quite honestly.

1:18:22

Like Sweeney Todd. We got to kill a barberside.

1:18:24

Yeah. Well, it's like that. It

1:18:27

kills all the germs and all the utensils. That's why

1:18:29

they call it that. Why is it called

1:18:31

germicide? Yeah, because it's doing the work, not

1:18:33

the barber. Because it's specific for barbers. Do

1:18:35

you know why it's blue? Why?

1:18:37

No. I don't

1:18:39

know. Oh, you asked me that. I was

1:18:41

asking you. Maybe so you don't drink it by

1:18:43

accident. That's true. But it makes it

1:18:45

look like so appetizing. Yeah, like Gatorade

1:18:47

makes me want to drink it. It

1:18:50

looks flavored, too. It is. It

1:18:52

is flavored blueberry. They shouldn't flavor it. You

1:18:54

can get in any flavor you want. And it comes with

1:18:56

a straw. It comes with

1:18:58

a... That you're supposed to throw away. Yes.

1:19:01

Are you supposed to drink it or not? And

1:19:04

it comes with drinking instructions, which... That

1:19:06

you're supposed to burn. It's very small at the bottom.

1:19:08

It says don't. Yeah.

1:19:11

But then it's a very long... It says

1:19:13

put four ounces in a muck. Step

1:19:18

two. Bring it up

1:19:20

to your mouth. I'm doing this off memory, so... No,

1:19:23

I know. And there are 20 steps from what I remember. There

1:19:25

are. Raise to your mouth. One step...

1:19:27

Oh, that one... That was

1:19:29

three, I believe. Three. We're on

1:19:31

three. Three. Okay. We're on three.

1:19:33

Step four. Three. Use your tongue

1:19:35

to moisten the top of the

1:19:37

cup. Oh, dear. My legs

1:19:40

are around you again. No, no. I

1:19:42

don't know that we have time for the next 15 steps. You want me to

1:19:44

cut to the last one? Yeah. The Radiohead

1:19:46

Special, 15 steps. Drink

1:19:48

it. Drink it. But then

1:19:50

very small at the bottom. Don't.

1:19:53

Got it. It's not a great product. How

1:19:55

often do you drink this? All the time.

1:19:57

I forget, but don't. And

1:20:00

I drink it pretty constantly.

1:20:02

Yeah, do you have some sort

1:20:04

of intestinal issues or? I have

1:20:07

three colostomy bags. Wow. Yeah.

1:20:11

That you use simultaneously or are these? Well,

1:20:13

I don't like to change it. So I

1:20:15

just, I got three. I get that. Yeah.

1:20:17

Well, so. You do? You

1:20:20

get that. Yeah. Most people

1:20:23

don't. On my ship, I have four beds.

1:20:25

I have five right now just for seepage. Beds?

1:20:30

Colostomy bags. Oh. I

1:20:34

wish I had beds. Nothing soaks up seepage like

1:20:36

a bed. That's

1:20:38

true. Well,

1:20:41

what can we do to get people into your

1:20:43

store? I mean, well, I'm offering a coupon. A

1:20:45

coupon? A coupon? A coupon, which is

1:20:47

like a coupon. A coupon? Who

1:20:50

can say what it means? It's

1:20:53

like a coupon. Okay. What are you

1:20:55

offering? A two

1:20:57

for one, but you have to have them done at

1:20:59

the same time. And two what? Two heads? Impossible.

1:21:03

No, two haircuts. Two

1:21:05

professional barber style haircuts.

1:21:08

Are these two half haircuts? No,

1:21:10

it's a full haircut. Okay. It's

1:21:13

a full haircut that you share with

1:21:15

someone else. No other people can be involved.

1:21:17

It's one per person. It's

1:21:20

one coupon per person. So you gotta get one haircut

1:21:23

and then immediately get the second one? They can only

1:21:25

be used in a row

1:21:27

and immediately. Okay, so you get your

1:21:30

hair down to where you want it. And

1:21:32

then you get another haircut, which is less than where you

1:21:34

want it. Can you game the system? Can you

1:21:36

say, I just want a trim? That's what I tell most people to

1:21:38

do. Just barely touch it. Say

1:21:40

half of what you want or three quarters of

1:21:42

what you want. And then say for your second

1:21:45

haircut, you say, I'll have

1:21:47

just a little trim this time. Now,

1:21:50

can you take a selfie of the first cut before

1:21:52

you move on to the second? Cause really that's all

1:21:54

I needed, the online. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

1:21:57

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. For your, for your, for your.

1:22:00

Why not? She's drying out on

1:22:02

Wednesday? Let's sleep in. Wait, here.

1:22:04

How do we wait here? What

1:22:06

are you looking for? Who said

1:22:08

that? Siri! Enough! It's Wednesday!

1:22:11

We can't talk to you. This is a Dinglas podcast.

1:22:13

What's an interesting question? What? It's not

1:22:15

an interesting question. For Wednesday Siri should change

1:22:17

her name to Soggy. Soggy, yes.

1:22:20

Hey Soggy. I can't believe

1:22:22

a human robot tried to help me. I'm

1:22:24

so flattered. My

1:22:29

computer, by the way, squirted out water on you.

1:22:31

I didn't know it had the capability to do

1:22:33

that. That's what you get when

1:22:36

you're next to a witch. A magical thing. A

1:22:38

Disney witch. Thank you. Yeah,

1:22:40

you're not one of those witches who's flying around on

1:22:42

a broom. No, I'm not a Halloween witch. Their

1:22:44

hair is terrible. I hate land witches.

1:22:47

I hate them. Okay.

1:22:49

Alright. Bernie. Yeah.

1:22:52

So, obviously you have this special

1:22:54

going on. How long is

1:22:56

this? Just this month? It's

1:22:58

just on Tuesdays, Tuesday

1:23:02

mornings. Tuesday mornings. Tuesday

1:23:04

mornings. 6am. 6am?

1:23:06

6am? On the dot. On

1:23:09

the dot. You have to be there on the dot. Can

1:23:12

you come early? No. What

1:23:14

time do you open? But

1:23:17

you sign up at 6am. Okay. It's

1:23:19

like an open mic? It is an

1:23:21

open mic. You have to do comedy while you're here.

1:23:23

What do you mean? Because it's too comedy? Well, to

1:23:26

get the... you have to do a tight five. Wouldn't

1:23:28

it be the first person who signs up that would

1:23:30

be it? Yeah. And

1:23:32

they have to do a tight five?

1:23:34

How long does the haircut stay? I

1:23:36

could do that, as you well know.

1:23:39

Oh, that's right. You did comedy last

1:23:41

time you were here. Oh,

1:23:43

last time? So you don't

1:23:45

want to hear any now? What are you?

1:23:47

What do you got? Listen.

1:23:51

When humans say there's sand in my taco, they

1:23:54

mean they're at the beach and some sand got

1:23:56

in their lunch. Down here,

1:23:58

there's sand in my taco's. and

1:24:00

constant. Just

1:24:05

as good as last time.

1:24:07

Yeah, I would say so.

1:24:09

Do you have another one?

1:24:13

Well on land I started a wave and a few

1:24:15

people stood up at a baseball game down here. I

1:24:17

started a wave and wiped out the population

1:24:19

of a coastal city. Oh boy,

1:24:22

those are two different experiences. Oh,

1:24:25

is it better down there? Well,

1:24:27

that's where it's wetter down there. Jokes go better down

1:24:33

where it's wetter. Yeah, you're

1:24:35

really these kills underwater. Of

1:24:37

course. I would imagine. Literally.

1:24:40

They can relate to them more than we can, I would imagine. I

1:24:42

don't think I've ever started a

1:24:44

wave out of baseball game or hundreds. Oh,

1:24:47

try it Scott. They're both fun. Do you think

1:24:49

one guy could start a wave? Absolutely. Didn't

1:24:51

you see when Harry met Sally? I guess, but it feels

1:24:53

to me like it's a group of 30. One

1:24:55

guy always has 30. One star? No, I

1:24:58

think they have an agreement. It's like 30 people

1:25:00

all agree. Do you think 30 people talk together

1:25:02

and start it? No. And they all go, hey,

1:25:04

we're all going to do the wave, right? Just

1:25:06

watch. Do you think there's an email

1:25:08

train? Oh, Ursula stood up and all the

1:25:10

rates. See? This is unfair. You have eight

1:25:12

legs doing this. That's right. Eight of me

1:25:15

started it, but then you know, you saw

1:25:17

Brock stood right up. Yeah. Couldn't help himself.

1:25:19

I forgot that the wave was immortalized on

1:25:21

film and when Harry met Sally. I know.

1:25:23

It was million dead. Yeah.

1:25:25

Yeah. It needed to be in the movie. So

1:25:29

Bernie, you got that thing going for

1:25:31

you. Anything else? No,

1:25:33

listen. I would

1:25:36

love to have you all in. I

1:25:38

know it's a hike. I know it's a hike. Why

1:25:40

what? You haven't even said where it is. Yeah, it

1:25:43

is. Arizona. Oh, it's there. Scottsdale.

1:25:45

What I mean is you

1:25:48

didn't give the exact address.

1:25:51

Oh, that's what he meant. Oh,

1:25:54

I misunderstood. No, no,

1:25:56

he's smart. It's one. You can't

1:25:58

say I'm dumb. No, no,

1:26:00

no, no, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I

1:26:03

wouldn't. Are you interested in coming for the

1:26:05

Type 5? Be fun? I

1:26:08

am going to be in Arizona this summer. Give

1:26:10

me your best starter. Oh,

1:26:12

for the Type 5? Yeah. Like that's what

1:26:14

they call them in the biz? Yeah, in starter. Starter jokes.

1:26:17

Starter. Yeah, it's the old, the

1:26:20

cord pull. Give me your best

1:26:22

cord pull. Just ripping the cord

1:26:24

saying like, hey, here I am. Give your best

1:26:26

time to punch in. Well, you know, I was born

1:26:28

in the 70s. You

1:26:33

mind if I cut your hair? What do you do? Oh,

1:26:35

geez. That's what I'm here

1:26:38

for. Excuse me. Okay,

1:26:40

now you're... This is wet

1:26:42

day and you are dry humping me right now. Sorry,

1:26:44

give me just a couple minutes and go ahead with

1:26:46

that joke. Wait, so the audition for the haircut happens

1:26:48

during the haircut? Honestly,

1:26:51

at the end of this audition, I'm just going to

1:26:53

have a haircut and I probably won't need to come

1:26:55

back. You'll see the haircut. You'll need

1:26:57

to come back. Okay. I'm not that

1:26:59

stupid. So there's

1:27:02

like a planned obsolescence in your haircut. Can

1:27:04

you move your elbow? I'm sorry. Just

1:27:06

lift it up. Am I still supposed to be doing

1:27:08

the jokes? Yeah, get that joke going. Okay, so I

1:27:10

was born in the 1970s, but that's it. What's

1:27:15

it? No, I'm just talking to myself.

1:27:17

You're talking... During my set? No,

1:27:19

no, no, no, no. You keep going. You're

1:27:21

going to wind up

1:27:23

on a YouTube video. You're

1:27:26

going to TikTok. Yeah, me smashing a guitar over your

1:27:28

head or something. Jesus, I wasn't going that far. There

1:27:30

was that famous video. Yeah, I know, but goddamn. You

1:27:32

can... If it's easy,

1:27:34

you can do the crowd work with... Barbershop

1:27:36

customer destroys barber. Oh,

1:27:40

do a crowd work. Yeah, just do a crowd

1:27:42

work. Okay, where are you from? Scottsdale.

1:27:44

What do you do for a living, Sciz? Sorry.

1:27:48

I'm a barber. I'm

1:27:50

actually a barber. Your barber? Oh, wow.

1:27:53

Sorry. What's the most interesting customer

1:27:55

you've ever cut their hair? I

1:27:58

actually cut... Nick Nicholas

1:28:00

Cage but not the one you're thinking

1:28:02

of which I'm thinking of the

1:28:04

movie star. Oh, that is him Okay,

1:28:07

it's the one yeah, he came in he

1:28:09

came in and you cut his hair really?

1:28:11

Yeah, he was on his way to he

1:28:14

was auditioning for Superman

1:28:17

right and he's a while ago. Yeah, he

1:28:19

famously this is in the 90s This

1:28:22

was a while ago and he was on his way

1:28:24

to audition for it by way

1:28:26

of Scottsdale, Arizona So

1:28:28

he was coming from New York probably he was putting

1:28:30

himself on tape. Oh, okay. That

1:28:32

makes it Yeah, Scottsdale has wonderful places

1:28:34

to put yourself on tape. Is that true?

1:28:36

Oh, yes Why do

1:28:39

you know that? Oh, I

1:28:41

watch a lot of behind the scenes Oh DVD

1:28:44

extras Yeah, those are fun.

1:28:46

I have a I have a joke I started

1:28:49

joke. Oh, yeah, let's hear something you hold the

1:28:51

cord. All right here Let's try this. I Know

1:28:54

I'm a see you mind if I cut

1:28:56

your hair. Well timing really is difficult. Yeah.

1:28:58

Yeah, please cut I know I'm a

1:29:01

sea witch being in Arizona makes me feel more

1:29:03

like a sandwich that a

1:29:05

girl A

1:29:12

compliment to the Joker is that you why

1:29:15

are you saying that imagine if audiences

1:29:17

did that instead of laughing? Good

1:29:20

for you. Add a girl What

1:29:25

if they laughed at male comedians and said add a girl

1:29:27

to If

1:29:31

they didn't like the joke if they said

1:29:33

I'm disappointed You got

1:29:35

a smile more More

1:29:38

when you tell that joke well look

1:29:40

Bernie I I you're gonna you're gonna

1:29:43

I am not Going to

1:29:45

well your hair is half cut right now.

1:29:47

Yeah, you do the other half not until

1:29:50

you come in I'll see it's a thing

1:29:52

on on Tuesday, but you have the coupon.

1:29:54

Okay. Yeah, so I have to have this

1:29:56

hair That's gonna you're a

1:29:58

fool. I mean it's month Today's Monday,

1:30:00

do you mean tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow morning. Oh,

1:30:02

okay. You can drive back with me. Scott,

1:30:05

I think it looks grand. Oh,

1:30:07

really? I mean, it looks kind of like your hair.

1:30:09

I'd like to take a handful of that, shove

1:30:12

you in between my eight legs,

1:30:14

and see what you find. Brock,

1:30:17

she's cucking you. I'm into it. What? Brock,

1:30:20

you're a cock? Yeah, we've talked about it. It's fine.

1:30:23

Oh, why? You've never talked about this on any

1:30:25

episode. Don't cock shame me. Well,

1:30:30

Bernie, I don't know. This isn't going to work out. Who

1:30:32

knows? Who knows? Who

1:30:35

knows? Great point. Who knows? Give

1:30:37

it a chance. That's true. Who

1:30:39

knows? Who knows? I

1:30:42

don't know. But we are, I'll tell you what,

1:30:44

we are running out of time, but we

1:30:46

only have time for one final feature on the

1:30:48

show, and that is, of course, a little

1:30:50

something called plugs. Wednesday is coming. The

1:30:54

horse are getting fat. Or

1:30:56

a glass of water on a mother

1:30:59

fucker's hat. If you

1:31:01

have no water, a Roman

1:31:03

Coke will do. But if

1:31:05

you have no liquor, many hamburgers

1:31:07

will do. It's

1:31:11

Wednesday at the churches. It's

1:31:14

Wednesday at the mall. With

1:31:17

Wednesday, feed your soup, cause

1:31:19

it's the wettest food of

1:31:21

all. It's Wednesday

1:31:24

at the hardware store, and

1:31:26

Wednesday at the zoo. Well,

1:31:29

my favorite place for Wednesday

1:31:31

is where I'm wet with

1:31:33

you. It's

1:31:35

Wednesday in Moldova. It's

1:31:38

Wednesday in Peru. And

1:31:41

don't forget, Haley Joel Osman, a

1:31:43

wet bird feeding you.

1:31:46

So leave the sink stall

1:31:48

running. Dip your sandwich in

1:31:50

a shoe. Here's

1:31:52

my favorite place for Wednesday.

1:31:55

It's Wednesday at the

1:31:57

mall. Wow!

1:32:01

That was terrific. Was that the O'Reeder? Yeah,

1:32:03

it kind of sounds like them. That

1:32:08

was, it's Wet Day,

1:32:10

A Wet Day Carol by Dan

1:32:12

Luizell. Thank

1:32:21

you so much to Dan. Boy, that sounds like, that

1:32:23

should be in Greece or something. That's just one level.

1:32:25

That's just truly one place, one of the terrible songs

1:32:27

in Greece with that. That was really good. Really? What?

1:32:31

Oh, hey Paul. Yeah, I heard that song and I ran

1:32:33

over. That was terrific. Yeah, have you met Brock? Who

1:32:36

Brock loved it? Yeah, you've never been on the show together. The

1:32:38

famous treasure hunter? Yeah, yeah, he's right here. Wait, you know who

1:32:40

I am? Of course I do. You're

1:32:42

famous. Not because of Titanic. Yes. All

1:32:45

right, man. Did I say something wrong? Yeah, he

1:32:47

doesn't like it. No, it's fine. Sorry, Paul.

1:32:50

I'm really, I apologize. It's okay. I

1:32:52

don't think it's okay. No, it's fine.

1:32:54

I'm sorry, Paul. I apologize. It's

1:32:56

okay. I don't think it's okay. No,

1:32:59

he has a thing about it. It's not your,

1:33:01

I should have warned you. Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here.

1:33:05

I'm very, I'm very sorry. Yeah, he's here.

1:33:07

I mean, Brock, you're standing right here. Is

1:33:09

this how you want me to talk? I'm

1:33:11

leaving. No, stay here, Brock. I'm going to

1:33:14

send in a friend of mine. Who? He's

1:33:17

a tugboat captain. His

1:33:19

name is Ron Blackthorne. Ron Blackthorne?

1:33:21

Ron, get in here. Oh,

1:33:24

hello, you son of a holf. How

1:33:27

dare you? Ron Blackthorne. Aye, Simon,

1:33:29

his majesty's tugboat are him. I,

1:33:32

uh, it's great to meet you, Scott

1:33:34

Ockerman of Comedy Bang Bang. I wish I could

1:33:36

say it was great to meet you, but I

1:33:38

would rather strangle you to death. Please,

1:33:41

if it's a binary choice, just I would prefer to

1:33:43

meet you. Goodbye! Oh,

1:33:45

okay. Glad he didn't strangle me

1:33:47

to death. Boy. That guy

1:33:50

left. Yeah, that guy left, he left with Brock? Yeah. We're

1:33:52

not going to get closure on first left. Oh, no. How

1:33:54

are you getting home? I don't know. I

1:33:57

can do right. I get magic. I can do

1:33:59

right. All right. I hope we're talking

1:34:01

about something other than getting home. Is

1:34:04

that a sea witch? Yeah, it's Ursula, the

1:34:07

sea witch. Oh, hello. Big fat. Oh, thank

1:34:09

you. How do you get Paul's stuff down

1:34:11

there under the sea? Oh, it's

1:34:13

when I come up to land. Oh, okay. Yeah,

1:34:15

one of those days you're at the baseball game? I

1:34:17

binged pushing Daisy, loved you on that.

1:34:20

Oh, wow. You

1:34:22

binged my one episode of The Big Fish.

1:34:24

Over and over I never saw another episode.

1:34:28

I really appreciate that. Most people know me

1:34:30

from podcasts. Oh, no, I

1:34:34

hate podcasts. No, really? It's TV

1:34:36

without the looks. But

1:34:38

I mean, you can just take them on the

1:34:40

go with you. Underwater?

1:34:42

No. It's one of those

1:34:45

speakers. If there's a broadcast, you can get podcasts

1:34:47

under the sea. Wait, wait. Now

1:34:49

I think I know what you're talking about. I have

1:34:51

little sardines that whisper stories in my ears. This

1:34:53

is what I'm talking about. Yes,

1:34:55

we call them sardine casts. Yes.

1:34:59

We're talking about the same thing. Oh,

1:35:02

okay. Yeah. Idiot Ursula. They were

1:35:04

also invented by Adam Curry. Yeah, that's right. Hey,

1:35:07

we have a big announcement for plugs today.

1:35:10

Really? It's huge. What is it? Paul,

1:35:13

you're part of this. Fuck. Yeah, that's

1:35:15

right. I am here. I am

1:35:17

here to announce the

1:35:20

Comedy Bang Bang Tour 2024 is starting. Dates

1:35:26

are available. I thought you were going

1:35:28

to say starting now and we had to scramble. Like

1:35:30

the Amazing Raises. Yeah.

1:35:35

Can I get a seat near the front of the

1:35:37

plane, please? No,

1:35:41

we're announcing the dates today, the 2024

1:35:43

Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour. Ew.

1:35:48

No. Sorry. Is that

1:35:51

true? Yeah. Oh boy. You

1:35:53

don't think to tell me beforehand. We can't talk about it. I

1:35:56

have one conversation about it. It's

1:35:58

only the branding on the ticket. I like

1:36:00

it. You like it? Well,

1:36:02

you would. You're a little, you know,

1:36:05

risky. Yeah, you're gonna rock yourself. Oh,

1:36:08

I was just... I'm

1:36:10

sorry. Really mean. Oh, did I? I thought

1:36:13

we were insulting each other. No, I'm just

1:36:15

definitely... Paul! Paul! No, I'm so sorry. You

1:36:18

thought we were like the table at the cellar. Look,

1:36:20

let me teach you the two haircuts. I have a

1:36:22

coupon. A coupon? Look at this coupon. Well,

1:36:25

here's what's happening. We are gonna be

1:36:27

out there for quite

1:36:29

a while. We're doing 30 dates at least.

1:36:33

Wow! We are

1:36:36

starting June 13th in

1:36:38

Boston, Massachusetts. Can

1:36:41

you imagine going to a place

1:36:43

like that? Car, yard. Yes, Harvard.

1:36:46

All of these things. We're

1:36:48

starting in Boston, then we

1:36:51

go to Brooklyn, Philly, D.C.,

1:36:53

Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville,

1:36:55

Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt

1:36:57

Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas,

1:37:00

Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh,

1:37:03

Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison,

1:37:05

St. Paul, Sacramento,

1:37:07

Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver.

1:37:10

Going to all these places. Well, that's interesting,

1:37:13

Scott. Oh, really? Because

1:37:15

the Veriatopia tour is also

1:37:17

happening. What? Yes! I'm

1:37:19

gonna be in... Veriatopia

1:37:22

will be in Brooklyn, Waldeboro,

1:37:24

Maine, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Boston,

1:37:27

Massachusetts, Alexandria, Virginia, Philadelphia, Cleveland,

1:37:29

St. Paul, Minnesota, Chicago, San

1:37:32

Francisco, and Charleston. Wow! South

1:37:34

Carolina. South Carolina. Those are

1:37:36

great places to go. Yes.

1:37:39

Now, some of those places

1:37:42

I'm gonna be going to twice because

1:37:45

of the two tours. Why not? But not at the same

1:37:47

time. Not at the same time. No. We won't be doing

1:37:49

the show simultaneously. No. Nor

1:37:51

concurrently. These two tours, they're gonna be sort

1:37:53

of intersecting a little bit. Chris Cross, as

1:37:55

our friend Alfred Hitchcock likes to say. That's

1:37:57

right. And our friend Chris Cross. He used

1:37:59

to... talk about themselves in the third person

1:38:01

alive. Yeah. But

1:38:04

these are happening. The CBB tour starts

1:38:06

in June, goes through the end of

1:38:08

August or so. And when is the

1:38:11

Vriatopia tour? It starts this month.

1:38:13

It's already started. Already started? Yes. We just

1:38:15

got back from Seattle. Wow. It

1:38:18

was terrific. The

1:38:20

Space Needle, did you run into that on the plane? Yes. Freer was

1:38:22

there. What? Yes. No.

1:38:26

We sang Doss, Ellen, Scrambled Eggs together. Really? Yes.

1:38:29

People hated it. I thought he moved back to Boston

1:38:31

with his son. He did, but when he

1:38:33

heard this show was happening, he was like, well, I have to

1:38:35

go sing. Of course. I have to go back to that. Well,

1:38:39

these are two great tours, and

1:38:41

we hope you catch both of them. If

1:38:44

you want information regarding the

1:38:46

Comedy Bang Bang tour, you

1:38:48

can go to cbbworld.com/tour, and

1:38:52

all the dates will be there. And I think

1:38:54

the tickets might go on sale very soon. Maybe

1:38:56

even if they have. They have to go on

1:38:58

sale very soon. Yeah, I'm not quite sure. They

1:39:00

may go on sale next week. They may go

1:39:02

on sale Friday. Just

1:39:04

keep checking cbbworld.com/tour. And

1:39:06

Paul, you're going to be on every day of the tour? Every

1:39:10

day. Not the nights, though. So when the show happens, you

1:39:12

won't see it. You go to sleep

1:39:14

at about 5 p.m. Oh, man, I get exhausted just from

1:39:16

doing all the stuff that I do during the day. Traveling

1:39:18

around with it. Traveling around. So, yeah,

1:39:20

I will be on the tour for the daytime parts,

1:39:23

which unfortunately do not include my

1:39:25

performance. That's too bad. But I'll

1:39:27

see you there. Sure. So

1:39:31

go to cbbworld.com/tour, and you can get all

1:39:33

the information about that. And we're going to

1:39:35

cities that we have never been to. We're

1:39:37

going to some cities we scheduled during COVID

1:39:40

that we never got to. I'm trying to

1:39:42

make up all those dates. So this is

1:39:44

the most extensive tour that we've ever done.

1:39:47

And I'm very excited about it. I am,

1:39:50

too. You can also go to paulftompkins.com slash

1:39:52

live for the Veriatopia dates and

1:39:55

the Comedy Bang Bang dates. Hell, yeah. Find

1:39:57

your life around me. Yeah, please. Has

1:40:01

there been anyone to go to see us in multiple cities?

1:40:03

There was that one guy two years ago who came to

1:40:05

see us in multiple cities and came to the meet and

1:40:07

greet shows? Yeah, that was great. We'd love to see you

1:40:09

out there. I can't remember your name. I wish I could

1:40:11

remember. I wish I could remember, but we hope to see

1:40:13

all of you out there. We're going to have a lot

1:40:15

of fun on this one. It's going to be Paul and

1:40:17

I and the Bang Bang All Stars. We're

1:40:20

going to have a great time. So

1:40:22

fantastic. If I were you, I'd

1:40:24

do it. I would do it. I'd

1:40:27

do the opposite of what George H.W. Bush did, which

1:40:29

is not going to do it. I

1:40:31

would go out and do it. I would go out. I

1:40:33

would go out. I would go out. Ursula, do you have

1:40:35

anything you want to plug? Well,

1:40:38

you can watch my

1:40:40

Twitter. I'll

1:40:42

be touring from the chair in my

1:40:44

apartment, staring passively from the

1:40:47

window, perhaps leaning against the kitchen

1:40:49

counter. What is this x.com

1:40:51

address? At Girl With

1:40:53

a Tail, conveniently. You

1:40:56

can also listen to College Town on Comedy

1:40:58

Bang Bang World. That's right. When

1:41:00

you're over there looking at the tour

1:41:02

dates, why don't you sign up and

1:41:04

you can get great shows like The

1:41:07

Neighborhood Listen and College Town and Hey

1:41:09

Randy and Scott Hasn't Seen and Who

1:41:11

Me with the Batman and so many

1:41:13

great shows over there. Bernie,

1:41:16

touch. Hey. It's me, the touch man.

1:41:18

I felt like I was walking into

1:41:20

your store there. Hi. I'm

1:41:24

doing a bunch of shows over at the ground

1:41:26

link, so please come on over there. You are,

1:41:28

Bernie? I am. I am

1:41:31

doing them. You're a barber and a ground link?

1:41:33

I'm not a ground link, but I sneak in.

1:41:35

I trade them coupons and they throw

1:41:37

me up on that stage. Give me a couple of wigs

1:41:39

and I go nutty. What

1:41:42

nights can people see you? Thursday,

1:41:45

Friday, Saturdays kind of rotating, so check it out

1:41:47

on the website. They'll always let you know who

1:41:49

the cast is. They'll always let you know. They'll

1:41:51

always let you know. They never hide it from

1:41:54

you. Union rule. Well, they're all they're legally obligated

1:41:56

by the president himself. Yeah. And

1:41:59

follow me. Everybody got to make sure to

1:42:01

tell who the groundlings are. You can tell

1:42:03

people who the groundlings are. That's actually everybody.

1:42:07

That was pretty good. You

1:42:09

can incorporate that into your act. There's

1:42:11

still his impression. Please, please,

1:42:14

please follow me on Instagram at

1:42:16

Rygol. What does that have to do with

1:42:18

GAUF? Again,

1:42:21