0:00

Would you ever in your entire life

0:02

guess that Tracy Morgan owns the Bronx

0:04

Zoo? Tracy Morgan owns the Bronx Zoo,

0:06

dude. Google it! She's like, I don't

0:08

know what's going on in your life

0:10

unless you tell me, and that's the

0:12

way I want it. Damn, Jasmine too.

0:14

Not since Mike joined. Yes.

0:17

I'm done. But

0:21

feeding the baby and keeping... That's not... I

0:23

mean, diapers have become very affordable.

0:25

Yeah. Diapers and baby food. You got all

0:27

that food in your titty, girl. Hi,

0:43

I'm Slushy. You, porn Italian. Welcome

0:46

to Chrissy Chaos. We're talking about

0:49

Italian high divers, but we

0:52

can't find it. By the way, we

0:54

have everyone here today. We have Michael

0:57

Shane Cannon, Vito Babymouth, Khaleesi, and John

0:59

the Father Grady. We have a sexologist

1:01

potentially coming in later. So

1:04

it might be this episode, might be next week's

1:07

episode. I don't know. I'll be honest with you.

1:09

I'm riddled with anxiety because I have to go

1:11

to Dubai. Yeah. How are

1:13

you feeling about that? Nicole put an over

1:15

under on whether or not it happens. Yes.

1:17

Wife Nicole. She's like, I hope he goes.

1:19

I want him to go. I'm not sure

1:22

he's going. I will tell you it's nothing

1:24

to do with the good people of Dubai.

1:27

I like Dubai. I've never been there. It

1:30

seems fine. I don't. I just I do

1:32

not want to get on a plane and

1:34

be on the other side of the world.

1:36

I don't have any interest in going. I

1:39

don't know that I don't like the

1:41

desert. I'm really genuinely only going because it's

1:43

Jasmine's birthday. Sure. So like if if if

1:45

it was not Jasmine's birthday, I would have

1:47

just said no to going. Does any part

1:50

of you look at things like this as

1:52

something you'll be able to talk like you're

1:54

not even really going to enjoy the experience,

1:56

but you are going to enjoy the bragging

1:58

rights that come with. being able to say

2:00

I was in the Middle East at one point.

2:03

What I think I've realized as a

2:05

person is I like the

2:07

idea and the thoughts and the anticipation

2:09

of traveling and going somewhere more than

2:11

I like actually being there. The only

2:14

place that I go that I actually,

2:16

that's a far away place that I

2:18

actually enjoy going to outside of United

2:21

States places is London. When I go

2:23

to London, because I think it's

2:25

just the way New York, like

2:27

the people who built New York had come from London pretty

2:29

much and they were like, oh, we're just going to make

2:31

the city that we know here. So

2:33

I like- It feels familiar. Yes, I

2:35

don't like- That's why you love Chicago

2:37

too. Yeah, I love Chicago. I love

2:39

Boston. I love Dublin and Belfast. I

2:42

like Europe. I

2:44

have no desire to go anywhere else.

2:47

I don't know why. I just don't

2:49

care. It's funny how

2:51

you're like, I like Europe. I feel comfortable

2:54

with my own people in Europe. With anything

2:56

outside of that where I start to get

2:58

nervous- I think that there is a part of

3:00

me too that no matter what you tell me

3:02

about Dubai, like America

3:05

and whatever, being in the Middle East

3:08

just makes me uncomfortable. You've also gray

3:10

arid yourself enough as a potential homosexual

3:12

for this to be a problem. Yes.

3:16

And also I think that I've made- You could bring a

3:18

squirrel suit for any

3:20

nighttime roof visits. I

3:22

think I've also outwardly

3:26

at different times in my career just made

3:28

fun of Islam. And

3:31

I think there's a part of me, even

3:33

though you have this spotlight bias where

3:35

I'm like, I know that nobody gives

3:37

a shit about me, but I do

3:39

think like, is there somebody who's going

3:41

to randomly see something and be like,

3:43

that motherfucker's in our country, let's get

3:45

him. And the other thing

3:48

though, dude, is if you become a

3:50

POW, a prisoner of conflict, prisoner

3:52

of war, there is no doubt

3:55

that we would- I mean, we would probably

3:57

trade a war criminal for you, right? like

4:00

the merchant of death for Brittany

4:02

Griner. Yeah. We would

4:04

give up somebody for successful white

4:07

male comedian, Chris DeStefano. I think,

4:09

yeah. Yeah. Matt,

4:11

who would the 9-11 story darling, Chris DeStefano?

4:13

We gotta get this Patriot back over to

4:15

you. Come on. I know. It'd

4:18

be funny. I wonder like who they would give up for

4:20

me. I

4:22

wonder like who they'd be like to do.

4:24

Just give us Chris and we'll give you.

4:26

Who could they give just somebody? I think

4:29

they'd frame you with though. Cause like Brittany

4:31

Griner, whether she brought the weed cartridges or

4:33

not, like it's up for debate, I guess,

4:35

but it's consistent with her. She said she's

4:37

like openly been a marijuana user. Right. So

4:40

for you, say you don't bring anything dirty.

4:42

You're perfectly within the laws as you're going

4:44

over there, but they want to get Chrissy

4:46

D with a believable crime. What are they

4:49

slipping in your bag? That is

4:51

believable. Well, no, I don't know if they could

4:53

slip. I think what they would get me on,

4:55

it's actually illegal, I think in Dubai, to

4:58

share a hotel room with someone who

5:00

isn't your wife. And I

5:03

put on the forms that Jasmine was my

5:05

wife, but will illegally not married. So

5:07

I think like that's something that they, is

5:09

actual like a prosecutable crime in Dubai. You

5:11

cannot like dwell with a woman who isn't

5:14

your wife. You can tell them though, that

5:16

like Nimesh put his hand on both your

5:18

shoulders and said it was legit. I mean,

5:20

what is your guys opinion of Dubai? Would

5:23

you go? Does it feel like the

5:25

media says it's safe? It's not like going

5:27

to Iraq. I've been there by the way.

5:29

You've been in Dubai? Oh no. I

5:32

just, it was a layover in Dubai, but then I went

5:34

to like the middle East. Like I

5:36

was in Jordan, Kuwait and Bahrain. Yeah, no, that I

5:38

knew, but you were with the US Army, so it's

5:40

different. Sure, but I mean, not the whole time, dude,

5:43

like often in transport

5:45

to these places, we were like just

5:48

in a Hasidic minivan with like a

5:50

guy that said he was a troop,

5:52

but he's wearing John's shorts. Really? Like

5:54

a straight up UPS outfit. There's no

5:56

guns anywhere. We're just driving through desert

5:59

as far as the. can see the scariest

6:01

thing I saw my entire trip over there

6:03

was we're in 360 degree

6:05

sand and I just looked out and

6:07

just 400 yards

6:10

into the middle of the desert were four

6:12

men talking. Nothing

6:14

around, no cars, no nothing, just

6:17

four dudes meeting up in the

6:19

desert. But you felt

6:21

safe though. Yeah I'm

6:23

able to compartmentalize fear

6:25

in that way where it's like if you

6:27

know if I die I just hope the

6:29

bombs right next to me. I don't want

6:31

to be Lieutenant Dan, I want to be

6:33

absolutely eviscerated. Well they said they you know

6:36

somebody said like you know if you

6:38

look at historically a lot of

6:40

those terrorists that doesn't happen in the Middle

6:42

East because it's that it happens outside of

6:44

it. Totally. But I worry like am I

6:46

gonna be the guy that like Isis storms

6:48

in and they just behead me. You

6:51

know? But is Dubai or is Dubai just

6:53

really a lot safer? I don't think you

6:56

have literally anything to worry about. What do

6:58

you think John, Vito, is Mike right or

7:00

wrong? Would

7:03

you go to Dubai? I would. My

7:06

question is is there no alcohol there

7:08

and can you not smoke weed? You

7:10

cannot. I don't think people like that.

7:12

I do think you can drink though.

7:14

I think that they have some sort

7:16

of like loophole to the law where

7:18

you can consume alcohol because it's technically

7:20

like the party spot of the Middle

7:22

East. So I don't know if

7:25

it's like you got to pay for it or

7:27

if it's some sort of you know elite tourism

7:29

package but I think you could do that weed

7:31

for sure. You will get Aladdin in the middle

7:34

of an outdoor shop. And even

7:36

though you don't have to I am requiring Jasmine

7:38

to cover her head. Well

7:41

I told you Nicole was almost you know

7:43

the subject of an international conflict because in

7:45

Doha Qatar when I went to get our

7:47

business seats for the way back, the guy

7:49

was like nice to meet you Mr. Cannon,

7:52

shook my hand and then said hello Mrs.

7:54

Cannon and she grabbed his hand and shook it

7:56

raw dog and I was like now I must

7:58

kill my family! Yeah,

8:01

I thought my wife was going to get declitted

8:03

four days into our marriage. Oh, she went to

8:05

guitar with you? I thought this was the one

8:07

where she told you she was pregnant with crew

8:09

and then you went to the Middle East. So

8:11

that was another one. I said, wow, I've been

8:14

to the Middle East twice actually. That

8:17

was, I conceived, we conceived our son

8:19

the night before. You conceived, you conceived.

8:21

But I've told this story before, but

8:23

I was joking and like stealing valor

8:25

the entire week before saying I'm deploying.

8:27

And then literally the night before as

8:29

a goof, I tapped her ass, said

8:32

I was deploying and just boofed right

8:34

inside of her. And then

8:36

I came home two weeks later and

8:38

she told me she was pregnant. So

8:40

I am a true soldier. But then

8:42

this one, Doha in Qatar, that was

8:44

for our, that was for our honeymoon.

8:46

So we flew, we had to, we

8:49

had to stop in Qatar to get to

8:51

Bali because it was 24 hours, but it

8:53

was like 13 and a half to Doha.

8:55

So what did you do? By

8:57

the way, I've never been on a flight. That's what

8:59

it is from New York to Dubai. It's 13 hours. What

9:01

it does, it just start to settle in. Like

9:04

you just be like, it's just sucks and you deal with it.

9:06

How did you deal with 13 hours? I

9:09

find comfort in knowing that I can't

9:11

go anywhere, to be honest. Like there's

9:13

something about that where I have

9:16

this brain that is constantly thinking everyone

9:18

is achieving my dreams when I'm still

9:20

like the moment I sit still, everybody

9:22

is doing everything I've ever wanted with

9:24

my life. So I get worried about

9:27

that. But if I'm confined, similar with

9:29

like quarantine, right? When everybody was quarantined

9:31

and everybody was locked into their home,

9:33

I was like, this is actually dope

9:35

because nobody's doing anything. This is the

9:37

ultimate excuse to stand still. And

9:40

that's how I felt for the flight where

9:42

it's like, give yourself the green light. You

9:44

never get to sit still. You never have

9:46

a 13 hour stretch where you can truly

9:49

sit on your ass as a father and

9:51

do nothing but enjoy movies and alcohol right

9:53

in front of your face with your wife.

9:56

Just enjoy it, dude. Enjoy that. Like

9:58

you are more or less. unzipping

10:00

the fabric to this dimension, stepping

10:03

into a small vacation, and then

10:05

you can walk right back into

10:07

the Middle East and perform for,

10:09

you know, the Sultan. That's a

10:12

good point. Did you try to

10:14

bring weed and edibles into Qatar?

10:16

No. If I can't

10:18

go two weeks without smoking weed or

10:21

doing edibles, then there is a real

10:23

big problem happening, you know? I need

10:25

to address some serious shit. When

10:28

is the last time you didn't take edibles?

10:30

That trip. So every

10:32

day since then you've taken edibles. Oh, no. I

10:35

think there's been days here and there, and I

10:37

even take days off here and there,

10:39

and leading up to my special, I got

10:43

down to a hundred milligrams a day, which

10:45

for me is like pretty good, but I,

10:47

you know, because I was up and now

10:49

I'm like back up because after the festival

10:52

I've been celebrating. So like yesterday I took

10:54

450 throughout the whole day,

10:56

the day before I took like 600. Like

10:58

it's like, and I'm having

11:01

fun. Like I'm not like, I'm not

11:03

losing my mind. It's actually like, it's

11:05

just a better massage. 420, by the

11:07

way, go see Mike's show in Stanford,

11:09

Connecticut. We're going back to Stanford,

11:11

baby. I'm making a career out of Stanford,

11:14

Connecticut. I'm gonna be the Bob Marley of

11:16

that one city. I have to be honest

11:18

with you, I like Stanford,

11:20

Connecticut. It's a really cool city, and

11:23

Mike just filmed his one-hour

11:25

special. He annihilated. It was

11:28

really, really, really great. I

11:30

mean it was really awesome to, to

11:35

see our manager, the Italian woman, come

11:37

over to me and be like, who

11:39

are Nicole's friends? Just constantly being asked

11:42

about who Mike's wife's friends were. She

11:44

does have very pretty friends. I would

11:46

introduce, I would allow one of them

11:49

to destroy his life. Yes. And I

11:51

know exactly which one. Oh yeah. The

11:53

one who almost destroyed mine. I

12:00

mean it's like that's one of those things

12:02

though dude where you know and and we'll

12:04

get off this After I don't

12:07

want to celebrate me too hard I

12:09

do that like it was just such a

12:11

fantastic weekend from all and from all aspects

12:13

There's so much anxiety leading up to it

12:16

as you know and just you know The

12:19

pressure that we put upon ourselves. It's two years

12:21

in the making It's all of this material for

12:23

sure you get two shots at it But like

12:25

if the first one doesn't go well, then you

12:27

get one shot at it And then your whole

12:29

brain kind of folds in in itself So

12:31

I'm I'm just dealing in those waters the

12:33

entire time and for the for the night

12:35

to go How

12:37

it went with Nicole directing crazy the

12:40

whole squad behind it being incredible you

12:42

be lions not Nicole's why it's not

12:44

wife Chris producing and

12:46

coming out and like, you know almost

12:48

giving me away like a father with

12:50

his daughter Yes audience just being like

12:53

I believe in this guy. I love

12:55

this guy one of my best friends

12:57

in comedy He really qualified that several

12:59

times. Yeah, I gave my bride away

13:01

to his beautiful black audience But

13:05

it really like you know And I do

13:07

want to be sincere it meant a lot like

13:09

it the opportunity and everything that you did for

13:11

me It's like it means a

13:14

lot and I it's it's rare And it should

13:16

be acknowledged whenever somebody has a friend like this

13:18

and you're a fucking great dude and a great

13:20

friend And I genuinely appreciate you buddy. Hell. Yeah,

13:22

dude. Yeah, god. I better not get killed in

13:25

the Middle East What do you actually

13:27

that might be the way to sell the special? Final

13:31

curtain go. Oh, there it is. Oh,

13:33

wow. I mean, what do you think

13:35

of that Cecilia Braga Dean? I

13:38

mean, that's Photoshop. You're telling me veto But

13:42

that's not that's not that one is

13:44

I prefer the not I prefer the

13:46

not as well. Let's just

13:48

be honest I mean Italian people

13:50

in general probably the most beautiful people right

13:53

the men and the women in Puerto Rican

13:55

Which is wild that that's who you've chosen

13:57

to mate with right? You guys are gonna

13:59

you're gonna create like super attractive you

14:01

have created super attractive people because like

14:03

I did a thing yesterday with Mateo

14:06

Lane the great Mateo Lane we're gonna

14:08

be putting out some content where like

14:10

he's teaching me all these things cuz

14:12

he's you know beyond talent is he's

14:14

a gay Swiss Army knife he yes

14:17

yes he should that should be his

14:19

Instagram handle gay Swiss Army knife he can do

14:22

like he's so insanely talented and it was one

14:24

of those things where we were like changing you

14:26

know cuz we did a couple of episodes he

14:28

was changing his shirt and I was looking at

14:30

him and I think we spoke about this before

14:32

I was like I don't think

14:34

it's gay if I if I want to

14:36

be with him I wouldn't say that it's

14:38

gay it's just I'm I'm with a beautiful

14:40

living human being right it transcends sexuality yes

14:42

it also and I don't know if you

14:44

feel this but I get the

14:46

impulse to less like to let's make

14:48

love to that person and more like I

14:50

want to wear him yeah like I want

14:52

to take his body for a spin just

14:54

to know what it feels like to be

14:57

that wanted yes now here we go

14:59

this is a beautiful dumper she's a

15:01

beautiful girl I like I like her and then

15:03

yeah her ass is yeah I mean it's um

15:05

it's pretty incredible yeah did

15:08

you see the guy do you think he has a

15:10

hairy butt um

15:12

I think Italians typically do have hair you

15:14

shine it because she's a swimmer oh that's

15:16

true that's true yeah yeah but I guess

15:18

divers I don't know they're still they still

15:20

need those you just never know

15:22

like those suits look like they are like painfully

15:25

put on if I was an Italian woman just

15:27

for fun I would name my pussy Vito um

15:41

Google Google um diver falling off

15:43

diving board in front of in front

15:47

of like I think it

15:49

was the Queen of some just diver

15:51

falling off diving board this guy like

15:53

in front of everyone this fucking idiot

16:03

It was like the opening ceremony.

16:06

Yeah, diver diver slips during the

16:08

Olympic pool inauguration. I

16:13

mean, that

16:15

looked like a toddler getting doubled on a

16:17

trampoline. How

16:22

do you not feel stupid after

16:24

that? Right

16:29

there, that moment, he's just like, well,

16:31

our life's work is over. He did

16:33

the full Joe Pesci home alone. Yes,

16:35

the gigabunga. It's

16:38

one thing if you make a little mistake and you splash

16:40

too much, but this guy felt like

16:42

a cartoon guy. This is the best

16:45

stoppage though of those two men just

16:47

gracefully in the air and just breaking

16:49

his back on the side. Yeah,

16:52

but exactly. Look, get it to

16:54

that point where, yeah, look at

16:56

that. Could

17:00

you practice that a million times?

17:02

It's just, I'm sure there was like the diving board

17:04

was where it was like, I'm sure this guy's, I mean,

17:06

he's got an Olympic diver. So he's got a big

17:08

storm. What

17:12

do

17:15

you think you would be like

17:17

the other two guys are hysterical

17:19

laughing? Yeah. The thing that

17:21

you have to do after this is like, you almost

17:24

have to make your own t-shirt of you. You

17:28

can't not show your face. You can't like

17:30

try to take it seriously. You have to

17:32

just full blown go into it. I'm the

17:34

guy that shattered his back. Is

17:38

there footage of him getting out of

17:40

the pool? I want to see what

17:42

happened after. What happens at the

17:44

end? He's rolling out.

17:53

Oh my God, dude. Yeah. It's

17:55

if you don't lean into that. Yeah.

17:58

Let's see. They don't show. Oh, it's

18:00

France it was and it was in front of

18:03

the president of France In

18:10

our town pool small like backyard private

18:12

pool, right? He goes under and he's

18:14

under for a while and he's like

18:16

kind of writhing under the water if

18:19

you were like what's going on like

18:21

everybody starts like checking it out and

18:23

finally it's like 20 seconds or something

18:25

like that and I Don't

18:29

think he's coming up. She's like 16 dives into

18:31

the water Graham's of

18:33

his like fighting like hell to get her

18:35

to get him above water. He finally just

18:43

Literally like Manatee himself out

18:46

of water like pull his fucking

18:48

fat tits to stomach to top

18:50

a size up onto the side

18:52

and then roll Slowly the whole

18:54

pool was just watching him. Oh,

18:56

but he would have died probably

18:58

right? He couldn't get up, you

19:00

know, it would have been worth it worth it to

19:02

find out Look

19:04

at his bod. It's great. I would love to be

19:06

ripped like that. Did you ever try to do a

19:09

swimmer's workout? No in college at Geneseo after basketball. I

19:11

thought that like my life was gonna I like looked

19:13

at Michael Phelps in the pool and I was like,

19:15

that's that's why I need to be I want that

19:19

No God

19:21

oh Dude, yeah, that's

19:23

brew. That's from the last right from the

19:25

president after right above the lip

19:27

below the Olympic ring So

19:31

the thing is this is also kind of like

19:33

of course, it's an all-time embarrassing moment,

19:35

but it also sets him apart from

19:37

everybody else Yeah, nobody would know this

19:39

guy was even a part of that

19:42

team Choreography had that

19:44

not happened, but now he gets to make fun

19:46

of himself He probably has a little like late

19:48

night career in Italy like it comes on like,

19:50

you know Bart Simpson If this was the state

19:53

he'd probably be doing some suburban headliner

19:55

shows he would be on the eye to open for

19:57

him Yeah.

20:01

I are. More. Same lose

20:03

it were saying something. I.

20:06

Know I know the hotel think

20:08

so. What can I think I

20:10

didn't sleep is? you know since

20:12

Monday? Ever? Just have this since

20:14

Monday. I don't know why I've

20:16

just been. I've gotten like every

20:18

morning I've woken up I've been exhausted

20:20

the what he thinks going on. and

20:22

I'm not either. Nothing's changed without my

20:25

habits that. Could. It be

20:27

the Eclipse. Could it be the eclipse? It

20:29

could be a mental state. It could be

20:31

anxiety about your upcoming trip, right? That's that's

20:33

probably what it is an idea. What do

20:35

you know? home? I've been complaining for weeks

20:37

if not months about this. I am going

20:39

back pages and all this shit and I've

20:42

been doing so much to stretch it out

20:44

and change my work out, all the stuff.

20:46

And Sunday morning I woke up and I'm

20:48

like it is eighty percent. God yes, the

20:50

has like that was almost entirely in my

20:52

own anxiety. Psychosomatic. I'm such a piece of.

20:54

She was very real pain like. I couldn't

20:56

move. It was like it was didn't I mean it

20:58

also could be the fact that like. I'm

21:01

having sympathy pains with my who knows if

21:03

that us. She's just also pouring estrogen and

21:05

to me through homeostasis so I am just

21:08

crying at the drop of a hat. It's

21:10

are you getting nervous now about what do

21:12

I have you thought about? Like yet? I'm

21:14

going to have to go through. Like.

21:17

Diapers and sleepless nights like all over again

21:19

into that excite you. Does that make you

21:21

nervous as it make you happy Sad It

21:23

makes me nervous but only because it's the

21:26

it's not here yet like I feel like

21:28

we're It's the same thing as like a

21:30

special or the same thing is like going

21:32

on stage. The worst part of the introduction

21:34

by like I'll I equated the let my

21:37

last baby. It's like waiting that nine months

21:39

for your first child. The com is like

21:41

you're on the side at stage being introduced

21:43

to go headline Msg for nine months straight.

21:45

Yeah, so accurate though. The. Intro: Last for

21:47

that long and you're just like ready to go

21:49

up on stage. Really? God dammit, Please just let

21:51

me go up there and let me get out

21:53

there. Tell a fucking joke. I know I can

21:55

do it, but it's all anticipation. But then once

21:57

you're in it, I feel like. You.

22:00

So hard, so exhausting, and so

22:02

all encompassing that you don't really

22:04

even have time to feel any

22:06

less. Yeah, yeah, I think to

22:08

up because now my Violet. She's.

22:11

Three Really all about to be three I

22:13

saw like see or great species duties. Kind

22:15

of like you know she's like wearing like.

22:17

You. Know out of diapers whereas like little like

22:19

a training underwear now like she can tell us

22:21

when she's going to the bathroom like we don't

22:24

even use the stroller that much anymore. And like

22:26

this, there was this whole. Time.

22:28

I remember when Jaffa was pregnant with my

22:30

that I was like man we just got

22:32

out of diapers and strollers with. Delilah.

22:35

On the have to go through it's gonna be

22:37

so long Boneyard you start. Your brain starts to

22:39

do that either like you're just in it and

22:41

you go through it and you're like yeah, times

22:43

are hard at times, sometimes it's hard sometimes not.

22:46

whenever village you just go through it and now

22:48

I just kind of realize the other day I

22:50

was like a were through that really hard part.

22:52

down or thrill. Now I will say this. When.

22:55

I went through that with Delilah. We had

22:57

to lie, I wanted another child. I really

22:59

don't. I want a sibling. I want her

23:01

to have a sibling. You know, in addition

23:03

to my stepson, I was like I want

23:05

to. I want to have to biological their

23:07

children, right? But. Now. Going

23:10

through violet you know like with my like I'm like

23:12

I don't want any more tips day and like I

23:14

owed off it happen we would bless it but I

23:16

was like. It's. A different feeling now.

23:18

like something I feel computer. yeah it's fine.

23:20

Do feel that way you think with this

23:23

I mean I am Nicole's like in dream

23:25

world I would have a third and I'm

23:27

like. Why? What fucking planet are

23:29

you living on? First War. We are

23:31

very like. They'd. Lucky And

23:34

A D You know the fact that

23:36

we're thirty nine? Thirty eight. Do she?

23:38

Thirty eight? I'm Thirty nine. And where

23:40

have you? Are you? Not yet? I

23:42

mean, she's got him. Burton cobwebs, Matt

23:44

Calamity, The fact that she's not giving

23:46

birth to a bat again because there

23:48

isn't enough as else. But the you

23:50

know that like it, it's I feel

23:52

like. When. i was reluctant in

23:54

the sense that i'm worried about the work and

23:56

and all that stuff because of my own personal

23:58

limitations are at work that I'm not going to

24:01

show up even though I do each and every time.

24:03

Like I just get, I get

24:05

worried about myself, not about what's going to happen

24:07

because one, I'm a narcissist, I guess, but

24:09

two, I also have like complete

24:11

confidence in Nicole, in my son, and then

24:13

in us as a family and our like

24:15

the way we vibe and communicate and shit.

24:18

So yeah, yeah, it's these interesting things where

24:20

like you want to, you know, when you

24:22

have kids like it's

24:25

the anticipation of it all is people like

24:27

I'm not ready to have kids again. And

24:29

my thing is always like you're if you

24:31

get a baby, you just become ready. Like

24:33

it like life, you just I don't know

24:35

how you figure it out, but you just

24:37

figure it out. Well, it depends on who

24:40

doesn't cost that much money. People like it's

24:42

so expensive. It's like it's actually not it

24:44

gets there. It gets there. But I mean,

24:46

you always have an

24:48

option for public school diapers in the

24:50

beginning diapers and baby food, childcare, the

24:52

childcare, childcare for parents at work is

24:55

like that's that's that's the major expense. Like

24:58

feeding the baby and keeping that's not I

25:00

mean, diapers and have become very affordable. Yeah,

25:03

diapers and baby food. Yeah, got all that

25:05

food in your titty, girl. Yeah,

25:11

I mean, I'm, I'm honestly looking forward

25:13

to it. I swear what Jasmine was

25:16

first add Delilah, right? She because she

25:18

had got like, you know, like breast

25:20

implants, whatever she couldn't feed

25:22

Delilah, like right. She's talked about this,

25:24

like she the milk like it just

25:26

wouldn't produce milk. Yeah, literally, even though

25:29

like we live in a world where

25:31

like, we got they were even saying

25:33

like, Similac and those types of things might even be

25:35

better for her brain development. We can make it like

25:37

literally I watched the doctor tell her that you couldn't

25:39

give like, feed her baby from her boob. And I

25:41

watched her look at me. And if there was a

25:44

gun there, she would have went like this. Like, well,

25:46

then it's over there.

25:48

Yeah. And I can feed my kid.

25:50

And I'm a bit so it's like

25:52

this ingratiated like nature thing. Is she

25:54

gonna she breastfed? Yeah, but I mean,

25:56

you know, it depends. I fed him

25:58

from my cock. Under.

26:05

A Noble. Really? we don't do that.

26:07

By the way it is. I want

26:09

to buy say anything crazy beto can

26:11

you blight at in a funds are

26:13

going around for a slacker? Waters years

26:15

don't have that. Was

26:19

quick, To read

26:21

the. Rules

26:24

assess as if to me and tell

26:26

me about right? I think that is

26:28

born on the greatest comedy sequel Vol

26:31

Time. Yes my goods is different than

26:33

the original. It's not a call back

26:35

fast, They just took the original character

26:37

every bit. that with made it funny

26:40

and then put him in a completely

26:42

different environments and said hey Jim Carrey,

26:44

do a Houston Rockets, James Harden and

26:46

just Cook Good Let's go will release

26:48

you into these scenes and do you

26:51

do your thing? That's like one of

26:53

the funny. As equals M R to you. Do

26:55

you know that a lot of that stuff like yeah

26:57

dialogue but a lot of that stuff was just

26:59

on the page like Jim Carrey says one word and

27:01

unless you make up the ref like all that

27:03

stop him rolling around like directed and Toma do them

27:06

to did that. Even the spear thing like those

27:08

of Throw Me A your. Legs

27:12

amazing such as foods complete our

27:14

baby mail for reducing. I.

27:17

Say just about so my do so. that's

27:19

the best comedy sequels have you considered a

27:21

best? Was a specifically comedy comedy? Okay yes,

27:23

Sequel? I you know. Weirdly enough, so I

27:25

have this thing where I've I've read watch

27:28

the same movie over and over and over

27:30

again and it takes a lot for me

27:32

to see a new movie because I don't

27:34

trust that it won't let me go up

27:36

being on the spectrum suited as yourself as

27:38

the mid me thought to the do that

27:41

for sure thought so. I've never even seen

27:43

Godfather to I've seen Godfather one like ten

27:45

times. I've never seen Godfather to. I

27:47

know with amazing. I know I'm going to love it

27:49

but there are certain things like that where I just

27:51

haven't allowed my so I went away. Go there. I've

27:53

never seen got hotter one. Really? knows

27:55

where to go what you want we we were we

27:57

should do a patriot should watch a lot we should

28:00

want All the guys never seen Godfather one let's

28:02

fucking let's do a patreon wash along

28:04

watch along where we have an Italian

28:06

feast Yes, and we eat fucking we

28:08

eat those chicken farms. Oh by the

28:10

way speaking of that I forgot to

28:13

tell you the most important part of

28:15

this podcast for coming to you live

28:17

from slam magazine a corner slam upon

28:20

Go real quick best sequel I think in

28:23

my opinion similar for your reasoning Sister Act

28:25

2 back in the habit. Yes, it's one.

28:27

It's more beloved than the original Yeah, it's

28:29

more remembered than the original if you're going

28:32

just quality from one to two Two

28:34

is so much better than one. Yeah, everybody

28:37

talks about two it gets referenced Lauren

28:39

Hill Lauren Hill got started in two Um,

28:42

I think isn't the mom Isn't

28:45

the mom from that the mom the in

28:47

Abbott Elementary? Oh, maybe I don't

28:50

watch this episode Sponsored by better help. Thanks

28:52

to the good folks at better help. I

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certainly needed it after that joke That

28:57

after the joke that we cut out of the

28:59

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Well, the flexibility is like my favorite part

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30:18

Apple Elementary, supposedly a great show,

30:20

right? I heard it's like fantastic.

30:23

I don't watch network television anymore, like most

30:26

douchebags, but it's great. It's funny,

30:28

it's written really well, the comedy works. I've

30:30

just seen clips of Janelle James, who plays

30:32

the – does she play the principal? She

30:34

plays the principal. She's so

30:37

funny, man. She's a great actress. She's so good,

30:39

and it's funny. Like, first episode, it's like –

30:41

I think she was putting it on a little too much

30:44

in the first episode, first two. Sure. And

30:46

it's a lot like Steve Crowe in The Office, where like, first episode or two, you're like,

30:48

oh, they haven't figured it out yet. And

30:50

James Guillen-Dofini, the accent was too much in the first –

30:52

in the Sopranos, and then they get into it. Yeah, and

30:54

she's the best part of the show now. Yeah. Right.

30:58

Well, that's what happens when you also have to like, film a pilot,

31:00

is one, it's disconnected from the rest of the season.

31:03

So you're basically creating this character out of thin air,

31:05

and you're also trying to get it greenlit, so you

31:07

are throwing 100 mile per hour smoke. You're

31:10

just overdoing the shit out of it. But

31:13

then once it gets greenlit into a series,

31:15

and you can kind of get the rhythm

31:17

of the character, and really like, almost like

31:19

a vert ramp drop into it, like, that's

31:21

when everybody just gets better at their character.

31:23

And Quinta Brunson, that was like

31:25

the first thing she ever did, right? She

31:27

created that show. Oh, really? Am I wrong

31:29

on that? She created that show. She created

31:31

it. She writes it. But I'm

31:34

saying she wasn't in like, entertainment really before

31:36

that, or she was – She was on

31:38

Buzzfeed. She was like, one of the like,

31:40

Buzzfeed sketch players. I love

31:42

her. I think she's beautiful. Quinta Brunson. I like her.

31:45

I was watching – somebody was watching it on the plane

31:48

going out to Orlando last week, and I was like, I kind of

31:51

love her. Nice. Quinta,

31:53

is she related to the Knicks point guard?

31:55

I hope so. Find out.

31:57

If you had an opportunity to sleep with Quinta,

31:59

I'd love to. or Jaylen Brunson, who would you

32:01

pick? Jaylen Brunson, yes. Not a,

32:04

it's like he's brought me more joy as

32:06

an athlete in the New York area. It's the most

32:08

since Eli Manning. They're third in the East right now,

32:10

Nick, by the way. Or they might be

32:13

tied, right? Tied for third with the magic. Who do

32:15

you want them to play? Like what, what's your- I

32:17

just want them to hold off on Boston as long

32:19

as possible. So if they can get the second seed,

32:21

especially, if they get an Eastern

32:23

Conference Finals appearance, this is the greatest victory

32:25

in Nick's, like in Nick's season history in

32:27

a long time, because they're without Julius Randall,

32:29

who will be a driving force in the

32:31

playoffs. I hope, you know, I wanted them

32:33

to get traded because I just think that

32:35

they could possibly fill that with some other

32:38

pieces, but he's still a major part.

32:40

And I think without him to make a run that

32:42

deep, it would be great and possible if they just don't run into

32:44

Boston. Do you want to go to the game Friday? Yes. They're

32:47

playing the Nets. All right, we'll go. We'll

32:49

go Nick's Nets. I can- Oh,

32:52

so I forgot to say this. After

32:54

the Nick's game this past week, the

32:57

next day I'm telling crew about the game and

33:00

he's on the toilet and going to the bathroom.

33:02

And I keep like, we're trying to go somewhere

33:04

and get the day going. I'm like,

33:06

are you ready? And he's like, I'm not done. It's like 10 minutes.

33:08

And I'm like, are you done? He's like, I'm not done. And

33:11

then finally I'm like, dude, are you done? He's

33:13

like, I'm done. And I'm like, okay. And I

33:15

just take him off. I go to wipe him

33:17

and I stick my full thumb in a piece

33:19

of shit that's just ejected from his asshole. All

33:21

right, Tom. All right, Tom. Just diving board of

33:23

shit like an Italian guy. Slipped

33:28

off in front of the president. My thumb

33:30

just went nucked deep right in it. I

33:33

was like, you absolute asshole. And he

33:35

started dying laughing. I love it. How

33:41

about this? Ah, rest him. All right, Vito. At

33:44

your own knowledge, at your own discretion, when

33:46

you think like we've said something wild, can

33:49

you always edit? Ah, rest him. Yeah. All

33:51

right. I can also, for next week, we can just add it

33:53

as a drop that we can play when you guys say it

33:55

in real time. Ah, rest him. Wait,

33:58

can you pull up our notes? because

34:00

I there's there's oh I

34:03

want to talk about um let's

34:06

talk about the eclipse quick I

34:09

gotta be honest with you I respect it I

34:11

respected the eclipse I really did after

34:14

five minutes though I was like I get

34:16

it yeah I don't understand here so

34:18

it wasn't full but I

34:21

didn't know that like did it go fully

34:23

dark have you seen the videos no so

34:25

the video they're like are cool the ones

34:27

in Texas or whatever that show it like

34:29

blocking full coverage of the Sun it

34:32

definitely looked way cooler than in New York

34:34

because we went to the Bronx Zoo and

34:36

we're just it was a beautiful day first

34:38

beautiful day in a while post special all

34:40

that stuff stress-free the animals definitely sense something

34:43

was coming was the Bronx Zoo packed no

34:45

surprisingly enough why did you pick the Bronx

34:47

Zoo to watch the eclipse we were going

34:49

there anyway and then we realized it

34:51

was the eclipse on the drive and

34:53

so we went to the high school

34:55

where my wife's mother works got eclipse

34:57

glasses went to the Bronx Zoo and

35:00

we're like hey if wherever it's the Tigers are

35:02

gonna escape we might as well be to be

35:04

now forefront so wait so is

35:06

this in total dark this is the day this

35:08

is daytime yeah 3 p.m. this is

35:10

3 p.m. so this is okay so that's

35:12

pretty sick right so they're standing in full

35:15

darkness right here yeah so

35:17

you have for us it looked like a

35:19

daytime moon like it wasn't right cool so

35:22

I would say though like I mean this happens

35:24

this has happened in parts of the world before

35:26

like I would get I would understand if

35:29

like this happened in ancient times and like

35:31

the king would be like I have to

35:33

behead everyone now yeah like it's I get

35:35

it because it's so kind

35:37

of insane and you'd be like oh I have

35:40

to now kill everything right well I think about

35:42

that all the time like how did like even

35:44

the first people understand what

35:46

wind was what I mean like

35:49

how didn't you just walk around just

35:51

like what the fuck like there's an invisible

35:53

monster hitting my face right there everything

35:55

needed some kind of spiritual attachment

35:57

or reasoning just for them to be able

35:59

to get through their day. Right. Because they

36:01

had no explanation for any of this shit.

36:03

Yeah, I really, I, you know, I guess

36:06

in, you know, these places like this is

36:08

totality in Vermont. It was total and fully

36:10

in Vermont. Yeah, I'll pull up the whole,

36:12

there's like a line of totality

36:14

where it was like Syracuse, Vermont,

36:17

some other places. I mean that literally

36:19

looks like the Twilight Saga logo. Yeah.

36:23

Imagine being born like at the moment of

36:25

the eclipse. There had to have been somebody

36:27

who was just fully born. Right.

36:33

Yeah, I mean, listen, it was fun, you know, like,

36:35

cuz it was a beautiful day, like all the kids

36:37

were out, you know, got out of school a few

36:39

minutes early. So like we watch it, but like even

36:41

my daughter after a while, she was like, I don't

36:43

get what it's supposed to, what I'm looking at. I'm

36:45

like, well, the sun, the moon's going in front of

36:47

the sun. She was like, oh, I also thought it

36:49

was gonna cover,

36:52

I thought it was gonna pass the sun completely. And

36:54

then when it only made like a crescent moon, yeah,

36:57

I was a little disappointed, but it was fun

36:59

to me and John washed it together. So it

37:02

was watching in city field, right? We did. We

37:04

went like up on the top deck and just

37:06

watched it happen. It definitely got darker. Yeah, right.

37:08

Yeah, yeah. You know what, it felt just as

37:10

dark and we talked about this. It felt just

37:12

as dark as the day that the sky was

37:14

orange. Yeah, like it pretty much felt like that.

37:17

That was creepier, to be honest. That was why

37:19

was it also Mars because of the fires, remember?

37:21

Right. That's right. The Canadian guy. Dude, in like

37:23

breathing that shit in that like that felt like

37:25

everybody remember that episode of The Simpsons where

37:27

Selma is dating Troy, Troy McClure, and

37:29

then she switches to cigars instead of

37:32

cigarettes. And she's like, it's like smoking

37:34

10 cigarettes at once. It's

37:37

like, that's what it felt like to breathe

37:39

in the natural air in New York that

37:41

yeah, like you were truly inhaling just a

37:43

full pack of cigarettes. I don't even remember.

37:45

I remember I've been having trouble with remembering

37:48

things like big monumental

37:50

things like in my

37:53

life. Like I forget, like, like I

37:55

was like, oh, you

37:57

know, I've never been to, you know, a

38:01

NBA playoff game and then it's like I've been to

38:03

eight of them you know like but

38:05

I don't remember it do you ever feel like

38:07

that like you don't remember things that you like you don't

38:09

remember going to a friend's wedding but you were

38:11

there at the wedding and they have pictures to prove you like I

38:14

didn't go to your wedding I feel I'll

38:16

feel like that for like going to a

38:18

concert or even like seeing a game or

38:20

something I'll like look back months later and

38:22

be like I don't remember specific moments from

38:24

that yeah it feels like a blur right

38:26

sometimes and I think I think this is

38:29

the case with me is like you know how

38:31

you can set your phone to like delete storage

38:33

after a month or whatever because you're just filling

38:35

it with too much shit that's kind of what

38:38

I feel about my brain right that we meet

38:40

so many new people we're talking to new people

38:42

we're thinking about new ideas we're doing podcasting we're

38:44

saying so much shit all the time that

38:46

like you said it's hard to keep track of

38:48

both memories and fallacies and you know what's real

38:50

and what's not or like this happened to me

38:53

the other day I met I

38:55

saw uh in my neighborhood a friend that

38:57

I went to high school with that I

38:59

used to have lunch with every day in

39:01

high school and I saw him and I

39:03

forgot what his name was and I forgot

39:05

he even existed do you

39:07

does that like abnormal or that's pretty because because

39:10

then I thought about it I was like well

39:12

I haven't seen him in 21 years

39:15

right that's a very very very long

39:17

time the only reason people expect you to

39:19

to remember that shit is because of social

39:21

media like I remember specifically when I was

39:23

like eight and I was on the subway

39:25

with my father and he ran into somebody

39:27

from high school and he was like fucking

39:29

Gary I haven't seen you in whatever

39:32

it was and like you know they he

39:34

told me after he's like I haven't I

39:36

didn't remember that guy like it all of

39:39

a sudden clicked in who he was but

39:41

it's just because he had no contact no

39:43

social media no reminder of who that guy

39:45

was right but because facebook exists you're

39:47

supposed to still have this guy's

39:49

like stats running through the back of your

39:51

brain but it's like no I don't know

39:53

well tonight I'm bringing it up because tonight

39:56

I think I will remember tonight because tonight

39:58

I think I think when things aren't about

40:00

me when they're for someone else. Oh,

40:03

yes. Well, what helps me remember things to be

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drink alcohol. Right. I'm always looking

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for for kind of like a replacement something

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to make me that's going to make me

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feel at peace calm. Yeah, socially lubricated and

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that's exactly what Magic Mind does for me.

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The mental performance shot and

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it's helped me mentally so far and I know it's going

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40:36

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40:38

the Benson Boone concert. It is her

40:40

favorite singer. Okay. She sings.

40:43

It's the only person she's ever

40:45

really cared about musically. It's her

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1975. That's great. And so she

40:49

doesn't know we're taking her. She

40:51

were saying that we're taking her because she got a good

40:54

grade on her math test. We're saying that we're just taking

40:56

her out to dinner but we're really going to take her

40:58

to the Benson Boone concert and we got meet and greets.

41:00

Oh man. So we get we got to get there at

41:02

six. He doesn't come on till 10. So

41:04

that it's good. So we've already probably said

41:07

she's not going to school tomorrow and that's

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mean most companies do not do that but

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recommend. I do highly recommend him. It's nice. It's

42:32

like a, it's a chill vibe. Yeah.

42:35

He looks like a creepier, uh, like

42:37

Jack Harlow. He does. And

42:39

he looks actually like, it looks like French Jack. He does.

42:42

He looks like a Tommy Russo. My,

42:44

my, yeah. Um, but

42:46

yeah, so she sings him like every day,

42:48

like she just loves him. Do you know

42:50

you, we can't play his music, right? Uh,

42:53

no. Well, we can play it and then the Patreon

42:55

people, we can do it with them. Yeah. The

42:58

Patreon. This will be

43:00

a patreon.com/Chrissy comedy watching

43:03

Delilah like be so happy. Like that'll

43:05

be my birthday gift. I'm like, yeah,

43:07

that and a fucking trip to Dubai.

43:09

Yeah. How about

43:12

that? Yeah. I

43:14

mean, both are equally fulfilling. Yeah. But

43:16

that thing is, yes. Yeah. Here's the

43:18

thing though. Here's the thing. And

43:20

you know, fellas, this, I messed this up the last

43:23

time and even my dad was like, well, you got

43:25

to just do it is yes.

43:28

First time taking her to Dubai for her birthday,

43:30

right? It's big. I have a show and whatever,

43:32

but you, in addition, you still have to, you

43:34

still do have to get your girl a gift

43:37

in addition to the trip. Like you can't just

43:39

like this, this is it bitch. You

43:41

can't pickle up this. Yeah. You

43:44

have to get her something else. So what, what do

43:46

you think I could get her? You should get her

43:48

a book and then push her out into public and

43:51

see what happens. Yes. She's

43:53

reading. Yes. Run

43:55

away. Dinner. What do you think?

43:57

A good gift. Like what about like a

43:59

home? That's true.

44:02

A home would

44:04

be a good

44:06

one. What

44:10

can I get her? Is

44:13

she a jewelry person? Yeah, but she doesn't.

44:15

She's got jewelry. She's got like all that

44:17

stuff. What's like something better? What's more thoughtful?

44:20

I mean, you upgrade her equipment, like her

44:22

spin stuff? No, I

44:24

mean, we have, we have, we put the art,

44:26

her equipment in our garage. So like she, she

44:28

has that. But can you, can you upgrade it

44:30

in any way? Or is it all like, well,

44:32

she's got like a Peloton, like she doesn't, you

44:34

should get her a full streaming

44:37

service that can be like 360 set

44:39

around the bike so she can just

44:41

start her own Peloton. That's

44:44

good. Mike won. That's a good idea. But how,

44:46

but I can't, but how do I give that

44:49

to her in Dubai? Maybe

44:56

I'll give her like, um, what about

44:58

like, uh, why don't you buy

45:00

one of those weird things that like Michael Jackson was

45:02

randomly buying in the middle East. Remember

45:04

that, that old documentary where he was

45:06

walking around with Martin, whatever that Brit,

45:08

the British documentarian. And he was literally

45:10

walking around like salt and palaces being

45:12

like, I'll take three of those. I'll

45:14

take four of those. Like

45:17

golden fucking weird potted plants. Like not

45:19

a human on earth could use that.

45:21

Yeah. Like I'll take that for 600,000.

45:23

I am getting her a camel ride

45:27

through the desert. I mean, that's cool, right? A photo.

45:29

Are you gonna have a photographer? Yeah. Oh wait, when

45:31

is this coming out? Monday. Oh

45:34

shit. I

45:36

guess the camel ride had, it hasn't happened yet. Wednesday

45:38

in the, in the sand. I don't

45:41

think she's going to listen to this.

45:48

Yeah. She, she has told me not only does she

45:50

not listen, she doesn't follow me on social. She has

45:52

no, she is fully like, she's like, I don't know

45:54

what's going on in your life unless you tell me.

45:56

And that's the way I want it. They have Jasmine

45:58

too. Not since Mike's like I'm joined.

46:01

I'm joined. I'm joined.

46:03

Jasmine's all the mean comments. Imagine?

46:07

That would be great. That would be great. I

46:10

would love for her to just fucking let it rip. She

46:13

would have some, she would, she would, women just

46:15

know how to say the things that you are

46:17

just most embarrassed about. They'll just fucking hate you.

46:19

Well do you know why? Because

46:21

you tell them what they are. Yep. And

46:24

then like absolute sociopaths, they weaponize it

46:27

against you. Yep. I

46:29

don't know what it is. All

46:32

right, so we got to, I got to think

46:34

of something good to get her. I mean I

46:36

do think that if you allow yourself to be,

46:39

to like look at what you've already done I think

46:42

that's good. Well can you

46:44

go to patreon.com/christycomedy and tell me suggestion,

46:46

gifts, things I could buy in Dubai

46:48

the day of her birthday? What

46:50

can I get in Dubai? What about leaving

46:52

on the YouTube comments? Yes, and leave it

46:54

on the YouTube comments as well. youtube.com/christycomedy, leave

46:57

it on the YouTube comments and tell me

46:59

what gift I'm supposed to get her

47:01

in Dubai. Well you obviously this will be

47:03

out, we won't be able to record

47:06

an episode before you do

47:08

it. So you'll, you'll give us

47:10

feedback if you bought anything out. Yes, I will.

47:12

Like you're legitimately looking for feedback. Yes. Well

47:15

while you're in Dubai why don't

47:17

you do what the Dubaiianese do and buy

47:19

her like something like glitzy. Yeah. Like

47:22

some crazy pair of glasses. A bedad on her job. Yeah,

47:24

a bedazzled her job. A bedad on her job. Yeah,

47:27

maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll

47:29

get, maybe I'll put diamonds all

47:31

over a spin bike. I'll

47:34

get her a bedazzled spin bike. Okay. Yeah, or

47:36

maybe like one of those like bedazzled microphones. I

47:38

like that, I like that right. Yeah, he is

47:40

a bedazzled one. Nobody does

47:42

have the Tony Robbins slash Madonna headpiece and

47:44

he comes out and he's giving a motivational

47:46

speech. I would like to see

47:48

what it's like to perform with that thing on. If

47:50

you did I would behead you on the spot. I

47:52

think it's the most insane choice for a comedy show.

47:54

There's a person at my door. Let's see who it

47:56

is. Who's at my fucking door?

47:59

Oh, who's this guy? Oh, nobody.

48:02

Oh, it's just packages What

48:06

the hell was that? Oh, is that a scene?

48:08

It sounded like Michael Jackson like Mario God

48:18

I'm getting rid of my I'm trading in

48:20

my Lincoln Navigator. I got somebody you did

48:22

on Lee swap Yeah,

48:24

so I got somebody take it but the guy and

48:26

I get it I get it But the guy's being so

48:28

fucking annoying because he's like I don't you know all

48:30

the paperwork's done or whatever and I get it He lives

48:33

in Florida He's like, you know You just have to

48:35

take the car to the dealer and

48:37

like they just need to check it before like

48:39

I fully accept Which I get I totally get I

48:41

just don't have time to do it right now and

48:43

he asked me every day He's like can this be

48:45

done ASAP? Can you just do this, please and I

48:48

get it? It's like I should be like absolutely

48:50

Because I want this car off my hands

48:53

and but I'm one second away from regretfully

48:55

texting him deals off go fuck but

49:00

You know what I mean like yeah absolutely in

49:02

the right can somebody do it for you Can

49:04

you just ask somebody to do it? Can

49:07

John do it? Can John just well I called

49:09

Lincoln because I have it's called

49:11

the black label the Lincoln Navigator black label. They're

49:13

supposed to be They'll

49:15

come to you. They're supposed to

49:17

be from any dealership. They'll come to you and

49:20

treat your car That's why do you break your

49:22

lease? They're like fuck, but I haven't broken it

49:24

yet So I'm like can you just come check

49:26

the car give me some Certification and then like

49:28

so I cuz I don't I can't like go

49:31

there I mean I can but I just

49:33

don't want to The

49:35

only reason I didn't volunteer is I just learned how to drive a year

49:37

ago And I think your car isn't just too much for me. Let

49:40

me call them. Okay, actually wait No, cuz

49:42

I'm gonna have to give him my address This

49:46

also isn't the place to call them yeah, like that

49:48

look I'm all for phone calls during the show, but

49:50

that's like the least interesting I

49:56

just need to plan out the logistics of a car

49:58

drop off speaking of call we do a

50:00

voicemail? Do we have any good ones? Oh, we

50:03

have. See who's good at segways? I'm a professional.

50:05

John, it's too early in the year for shorts.

50:09

I love it. Hey, Chris. So I'm

50:12

24, living in the city. And

50:14

I guess I just want, I don't know if I

50:20

want your advice to be

50:22

honest, maybe Mike's advice. As

50:25

a man, when

50:29

do you stop being

50:31

so retarded and so

50:33

immature? And it

50:35

just keeps dating very hard these days

50:38

because these boys, oh

50:41

my God, and I'll go

50:43

out with boys in New York City and

50:45

nobody from like Orlando, Florida, thank

50:47

you. It's just, I

50:49

don't know what to do. I'd like your advice

50:51

because Hinge is those people with ass

50:54

stalks and meeting people in their

50:56

life even stalks because the boys

50:58

don't know how to speak. It's just they're

51:00

literally mute. So they just stand

51:02

there above eyes. Yeah.

51:06

So I'd like your opinions on that.

51:10

And yeah, bye. So wait, so did she say

51:12

toxic? First of all, she said she wanted a

51:14

man's advice and then said she didn't want your

51:16

advice. I

51:18

know. It makes me feel weird when people

51:21

say I'm dating boys. Yeah. I will say

51:23

though, that she's,

51:25

I mean, she sounds like a

51:28

real New Yorker. You know how

51:30

there's preservation created for endangered

51:32

animals? There should be a preservation for

51:34

that type of New Yorker as well.

51:36

Right. Because that's running out. You're a

51:38

type of New York that like real

51:40

New York cockside, that kind of like

51:42

that vibe. And she just has that.

51:44

Right. And I just feel like she

51:46

needs to be protected. But the moment

51:48

I grew up was the moment my

51:50

wife told me I was pregnant. So

51:52

early told me she was pregnant. So

51:55

I don't know, I guess date somebody and fake a pregnancy and

51:57

see if that changes things. You know whose type she seems to

51:59

be. like she seems like

52:01

she is Hispanic yes

52:04

and even though she speaks English John

52:08

interesting John's about the right age yeah John's

52:10

what 26 how old are you John 25

52:13

25 this grows 24 she does speak

52:16

good English which is a negative for

52:18

John so but

52:22

I I think yeah as far as

52:24

I think she's you're also young you're

52:26

24 so I think the

52:28

boys you're dating your word the boys you're

52:30

dating I think are probably also young I

52:32

would go for an older guy yeah or

52:35

just like a guy in his mid 50s like

52:38

oh like if I could Russell Simmons yeah yeah

52:41

see that what if we call

52:43

her and John treasure

52:45

is her up on the phone right

52:48

now oh give a little Riz quiz

52:50

yeah I don't know she might need some context

52:52

as kind of the guy I mean you can tell

52:54

her you're John for you can say I'm father John

52:57

jee-haw John from Chrissy chaos I heard

52:59

you were caught I heard call her up

53:02

yeah let's try why not yeah yeah I'll

53:04

say what's her name her name

53:06

is no name she didn't give us her name

53:08

hi do you know who

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this is kiwiko let me tell you something

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what I love about it is like there's

53:57

times like you're sitting at home from school or

53:59

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54:01

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54:03

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54:05

devices for hours at a time, and then

54:07

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54:09

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54:13

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54:20

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54:49

chaos. Oh, 516,

54:51

it's from Long Island. Your

54:54

call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person

54:56

you're trying to reach is not available. At

54:58

the tone, please record your message. When you

55:00

have finished recording, you may hang up. Hey,

55:05

my name's Chris. I'm

55:07

27 years old and I'm

55:09

so immature. I

55:13

am just the most immature guy you'll

55:15

ever meet in your life. I haven't,

55:18

oh, somebody just texted you. I

55:21

haven't, wait, what did

55:23

she say? What did she say? All

55:27

the boys let you stand there bug-eyed. Oh,

55:30

all the boys just stand there

55:32

bug-eyed. Yeah, well, bug-eyed Chrissy. No,

55:34

hello. I don't know what, I

55:36

just wanted to call and say, thank you for your voicemail.

55:39

And I think that you need to date an

55:41

older man. We were assuming, we were suggesting a

55:43

guy in his mid 50s we

55:46

think would work for you. And if not,

55:48

if you want, we do have a man,

55:51

oh boy, your words, who is your age,

55:54

25 years old. He works

55:56

for the podcast, John the Father, John the Father

55:58

Grady, Father John Grady, Jihadi John. who

56:01

would like to potentially go on a day with you, but

56:03

he is a little concerned that you speak English too well.

56:05

So if there is a way that you could come with

56:07

an accent or speak another language, we think we might have

56:09

the guy for you. Thanks for being a part of the

56:11

Chrissy K. Hays podcast. I do

56:16

think that's good advice though. Yeah, find a

56:18

single dad. Yeah, like a dad that has

56:20

a kid because the mother lost her mind.

56:22

Yep. That's your best bet. That's the best

56:24

bet. All right, we got

56:26

any other voicemails? Or is that that's

56:28

all right? Well, wait, do you want to do

56:30

mean comments? Let's do mean comments. And then oh,

56:32

before we get to mean comments, tell us about

56:35

the Bronx Zoo fun facts. Oh, dude. So we

56:37

went to the Bronx. This is wild because so

56:39

the Bronx Zoo we went and I've known this

56:41

for a long time. Ask them, but who do

56:43

you think owns the Bronx Zoo? Yeah, who do

56:45

you think? The

56:47

state. Right. That's a

56:49

reasonable guess. I

56:51

mean like if I had to give

56:53

a different guess like the world

56:56

wildlife sure, right? Would you ever

56:58

in your entire life guess that

57:00

Tracy Morgan owns the Bronx Zoo?

57:02

Tracy Morgan owns the Bronx Zoo,

57:04

dude. Google it! Is this both

57:06

Walmart? I don't know. Yes,

57:08

it is. That's what he said. He

57:11

said he used the Walmart lawsuit

57:13

money to buy the Bronx Zoo. I mean, what

57:16

a purchase. I think that's the

57:18

best purchase money could buy. Yeah,

57:20

because I mean does anybody do anybody

57:22

else does any other comedian own

57:24

like three tigers and four

57:26

lions? Byron Allen owns the Weather

57:28

Channel. What? Yes. I mean that's

57:31

crazy. He also owns the Masters to

57:33

like every Richard Pryor special. That's how

57:35

he's made so much money. Good for

57:37

him. Google

57:39

Tracy Morgan owns the Bronx Zoo. Owns the

57:42

Bronx Zoo. It's a fact. Tracy Morgan owns

57:44

the Bronx Zoo. Yeah. Google it. It's

57:46

wild. Boom. Yep. Tor the

57:48

Bronx Zoo is revealing a comedian used

57:50

the settlement money he received to buy

57:52

the Bronx Zoo. Yeah. There you go.

57:54

Boom. Top action! Unbelievable. Isn't that cool?

57:56

Because I was looking at it, I

57:59

was like, Who the hell owns this

58:01

place? Like what is it? It just seems like

58:03

a city park, but I'm like, is that where

58:05

the new below 60th Street toll money is going?

58:07

I doubt it. So I looked it up and

58:09

it's fucking T Morgz from 30 Rock. Unreal.

58:13

And on top of that, so the other fun fact

58:15

that I had, and this is less fun, but more

58:18

fact, is that there

58:20

was a human exhibit at

58:22

the Bronx Zoo as recently as 1906, a

58:28

pygmy man named Ota Bengay was in

58:30

a cage next to other animals. I

58:32

think also in a cage with other

58:34

animals. And they gave him a bow

58:36

and arrow so he could live hunt

58:38

in front of onlookers and instead turn

58:40

the arrow towards the spectators and would

58:42

try to shoot them. And then eventually

58:44

they're like, wait guys, this is like

58:47

decades after slavery. We probably just shouldn't

58:49

have a guy in a cage, like,

58:51

you know, just for people to look

58:53

at. So they put him in a

58:55

suit, kicked him the fuck

58:57

out of the zoo, gave him no kind

58:59

of reintroduction into society. And then he flat

59:01

out Brooks was heared himself in some, you

59:04

know, hotel in the Bronx. There

59:06

you go. Love it. Tough.

59:10

Can I ask you guys a question? I

59:13

don't want to ruin your fun. It's not fun.

59:16

But he doesn't fucking own the zoo. Yes,

59:19

he does. Fido, he owns the fucking zoo.

59:21

Yes, he does. Does he

59:23

not, John? That's what Google said. So

59:27

where are you saying it? I don't know if I'm ruining

59:29

a bit. Like if I'm ruining a bit, you're not ruining

59:31

a bit. I promise you he owns the zoo. It was

59:33

a fucking Jimmy Kimmel bit. No, no,

59:35

I think he really bought it. Well, no,

59:38

that's it. The thing that because we just

59:40

saw the YouTube with the perfect cover photo

59:42

with him and Jimmy Kimmel saying I bought

59:44

a zoo, that does kind of throw a

59:46

little bit of a wrench into my rationale,

59:48

but I do. But real, real like news

59:51

results came up as like the official owner.

59:53

I did a Jimmy Kimmel video. Oh. Can

59:56

I ask you guys a question? Can you

59:58

Google Emirates flight? Okay,

1:00:02

stop using the podcast No,

1:00:06

because I want you to ask I don't know

1:00:08

if my flight leaves at 11 20

1:00:10

in the morning or 11 20 at night You

1:00:13

want everybody to know your flight information that listens

1:00:15

to the podcast, but it's just the flight you

1:00:18

get the full flight So

1:00:21

you won't be able to track your flight

1:00:23

like fucking Taylor Swift you want I don't

1:00:25

I don't Like

1:00:28

it's very confusing No,

1:00:34

it's uh Okay, well put

1:00:37

this on the patreon the actual fear in

1:00:39

your eyes when I asked that question Yeah,

1:00:42

it departs at 11 20 a.m. 11 20 a.m. Yeah, not p.m. From

1:00:44

JFK. Yep Got

1:00:49

it. I was fully prepared to go at 11 20

1:00:51

at night You

1:00:54

are legitimately my favorite human on planet

1:00:56

Earth I'm an idiot and then we

1:00:58

get in at 750 in the morning

1:01:00

not at night What

1:01:02

day is your flight? Cuz that's today. That's the

1:01:04

flight number today. No, no, but no, but it's

1:01:06

the same fight hold

1:01:08

on Seven

1:01:14

right now I gotta go April

1:01:16

14th is the flight but so I'm leaving at 11 20 in the morning Yeah,

1:01:24

now do you see how you do you see how you confuse those

1:01:26

two things and that's like an easy mistake? Yes, do

1:01:28

you see how one could maybe understand

1:01:30

that Jimmy that Tracy Morgan didn't actually buy

1:01:33

a zoo. I Don't

1:01:35

believe it dude. Check it out. Let's check

1:01:37

for real How about we go

1:01:39

to Wikipedia? Where's the Library of Congress? Do they

1:01:41

have information go to Wikipedia? I'll look up Tracy

1:01:44

Morgan and the see if his name pops up

1:01:46

anywhere on the Bronx to Wikipedia. Okay All

1:01:49

right, I don't know why I'm

1:01:52

really going to bat for T Morgan so hard But I

1:01:54

really just want him to own this zoo. All

1:01:56

right here. I am on Wikipedia. Okay. All

1:01:58

right, I press control F I'm

1:02:01

typing in his name sure R a

1:02:04

C Y E

1:02:08

Y put

1:02:10

in the wrong zoom Morgan Morgan

1:02:14

nothing does Tracy

1:02:16

Siri not updated Siri does Tracy

1:02:18

Morgan own the Bronx ooh hello

1:02:22

Siri does Tracy Morgan

1:02:24

on the Bronx ooh how

1:02:28

do you do Siri why

1:02:31

is it not

1:02:35

working hey Siri does

1:02:38

Tracy Morgan on the Bronx ooh yeah

1:02:45

what is it like what how do you use

1:02:47

Siri I don't know who is

1:02:49

that that's doesn't

1:02:51

this look like a Jimmy Kimmel

1:02:53

sketch that's also the Central Park Zoo

1:02:56

that's the seals at the Central

1:02:59

Park yeah okay so it was a lie she's

1:03:01

here the sexologist is here all right oh

1:03:04

nope that's the Bronx ooh sexologist is here she's

1:03:06

gonna be on the next episode I didn't want

1:03:08

to ruin the fun it really it really I

1:03:10

appreciate the fact

1:03:13

if I don't say it you know what happens

1:03:15

I spread it you know what happens no everybody

1:03:17

comments right your producer's a fucking

1:03:19

idiot and

1:03:22

live in a world where we can all have fun and live

1:03:25

in a fantasy or where we pretend and have fun but these

1:03:27

people ruined it and I think that's a perfect time to go

1:03:29

into mean comments good point

1:03:31

yes I mean what's the other fact about the Bronx

1:03:33

ooh it was the ota bengue thing that okay real

1:03:36

that is real and also

1:03:38

really sad really sad

1:03:40

stuff and I've said it on

1:03:42

multiple podcasts so if you're gonna yell at me that

1:03:44

I'm recycling stories I'm sorry but it's just a fucking

1:03:46

fact that nobody knows about and it's insane yep come

1:03:54

on to mean comments ooh

1:03:56

you're mean welcome to mean

1:03:58

comments yeah me girls from

1:04:02

ccctt 3737 Chrissy

1:04:05

clubfoot your humility is strong thank you I appreciate

1:04:07

it I do have a club foot from

1:04:10

at FN PM Chris

1:04:13

have you got Tourette early pockets in ADHD or

1:04:15

just on drugs or what it seems like you

1:04:17

have some constant ticks and the whole body going

1:04:19

on in every video I see you please

1:04:21

take care it's just coffee and pre-workout

1:04:23

and anxiety yeah let us rock yeah it's

1:04:26

called being a white man in today's America

1:04:28

I wonder if a camera was on you

1:04:30

at all times if we'd notice anything weird

1:04:33

pussy dime

1:04:35

bagger Chris why your legs so bald is this

1:04:37

on purpose they were burned in a fire I

1:04:39

do I have one patch

1:04:44

that's bald from like constantly rubbing yeah I know

1:04:46

but I could do that here bro when I

1:04:48

was big I would get it like one side

1:04:50

of my leg would have no hair and I'm

1:04:52

my thighs would get no hair because it would

1:04:55

be rubbed off I have um yeah I just

1:04:57

have hairless oh

1:05:00

hi we'll finish it up one

1:05:02

yeah well our friend

1:05:04

chantel the psychologist is here is

1:05:07

it Chantel Chantel

1:05:09

I love it this is from

1:05:12

dorab 2402 I

1:05:14

don't hate Mike in this one for some

1:05:17

reason there you go that's right get better

1:05:19

when in Europe Alicia in bloom why do

1:05:21

you guys keep letting him show his feet

1:05:23

please well because Vito

1:05:25

has a fetish and that at

1:05:28

El Deuterino 90 97 I feel

1:05:30

dumber after listening to Chris thank

1:05:32

you appreciate it at

1:05:35

Juga belly 9255 at

1:05:38

43 minutes and 12 seconds lol Chris

1:05:40

has Puerto Rican Tourette's okay here

1:05:42

we go this is a good one at excellent egg c e l l e and

1:05:52

t dash LM 5 SV as

1:05:54

the years have passed and the more I have

1:05:56

heard about your life and the people you support

1:05:58

hang out with and praise Even though

1:06:00

you know that said people are terrible

1:06:02

humans, has now made me believe that you

1:06:04

two are terrible. I've lost all respect for

1:06:06

you. I used to enjoy your content, but

1:06:09

now I have absolutely no interest. It seems

1:06:11

that for the most part, comedians are just

1:06:13

horrific humans with psychopathic tendencies and have developed

1:06:15

things funny so that they can get attention.

1:06:17

Correct! What? I mean, in

1:06:19

what world were you under any other

1:06:22

impression? Like, why is that? And that's

1:06:24

what comedy has always been. Yes, is

1:06:26

psychopaths. Here we go. At Yes

1:06:28

You. Chris is a hack and he's just

1:06:30

annoying. Now he wants to be this annoying person

1:06:32

and just comes off as sounding dumb and needy.

1:06:34

And then I wrote, do I look jack

1:06:36

though? That's all that matters. So

1:06:41

that's it. Those are the comments. That's

1:06:43

the meme comments. That's the meme comments.

1:06:46

I'm in Dubai right now. Come

1:06:48

to the show tomorrow. Leave comments with what

1:06:50

Chris should get Jasmine for her birthday. Yes,

1:06:53

what am I supposed to get Jasmine for

1:06:55

her birthday in Dubai? I'm at the Dubai

1:06:57

Opera House tomorrow. So come, christicomedy.com. And then

1:06:59

in June, June

1:07:02

2nd, we've added Amsterdam, London,

1:07:04

Manchester, all these shows. They're all almost sold

1:07:07

out. So go to christicomedy.com. And you know,

1:07:09

when I say they're almost sold out, that's

1:07:11

a lie. Mike

1:07:14

Cannon, comedy.com for my tickets in Mayas,

1:07:16

Pennsylvania at the end of April with

1:07:18

Fiend with Michael Feeney and Brendan Sagalo.

1:07:20

That'll be very fun. Going to be

1:07:22

in Poughkeepsie, going to be in Nashville

1:07:24

coming up. I'm going to be in

1:07:26

a bunch of places all at mikecannoncomedy.com.

1:07:29

No material. So it's going to be bad. And

1:07:31

just give people an update on which European

1:07:33

shows aren't happening because people keep asking. So

1:07:35

I still don't exactly know. I don't think

1:07:38

Dublin is going to happen. I don't know

1:07:40

though, because we are trying to fit the

1:07:42

shows that I have to cancel because I

1:07:45

forgot about my stepson's graduation. We

1:07:47

are trying to fit those shows into the

1:07:49

week before. So I still don't have a

1:07:51

full update on what's canceled and what's not.

1:07:53

Just hold on to your tickets for now

1:07:55

one way or another. They'll either be refunded.

1:07:57

You can have your full money back or you can just. I

1:08:00

will make the shows up. So that's a good that's

1:08:02

a good note if you have tickets to the show

1:08:05

Maybe the week before hold on it might be the

1:08:07

week before and then all tickets will be good or

1:08:09

yeah I you know, but it is chaos I don't

1:08:11

know and I'm sorry that this is happening but I

1:08:13

again for once again made a mistake and it's all

1:08:16

my fault You