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All right, good morning, good afternoon, good night, wherever you are.

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This is Marsha Kurtz-Halley, and I am stepping in really quickly just to share a message with you.

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So my microphone isn't even working, my actual microphone's set up for a podcast

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and that, so I decided, you know what, I'm going to go ahead and share this message anyway.

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Today I'm having a conversation with a very close cousin of mine,

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and we're just talking about different situations and different circumstances

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that have led us to the path of being single and being single women raising our child by ourselves.

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And now in my situation, I've been single for a long time, but I've been divorced for even much longer.

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And so my daughter is a product of my marriage and recently her father passed away.

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And so now I am a single mother. So not only am I a single woman, I'm a single mother.

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Now, some of you may be wondering, And what do you mean by that?

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For me, being a single mother is different from being a single woman.

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So I was co-parenting with my

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ex-husband for many years. So I never considered myself a single mother.

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But even though I was divorced or even when I was in a relationship,

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I was not a single mother.

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I might have been a single woman, but not a single mother.

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So I hope that kind of clarifies it. So for me, single is about your marital status.

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And when it comes to parenting, if the other parent isn't there,

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isn't involved, then of course you are a single mother, a single father.

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So now I'm a single mother and a single woman because I don't have a partner

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and I don't have a co-parent anymore.

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But as we were talking, we were having this conversation, it caused me to kind

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of reflect on the people I've attracted into my life, but not only attracted,

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because there's one thing about attracting people, but accepting people.

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So a lot of times we stop at, well, you are attracting the same type of people.

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You have to understand that just because you attracted them into your life doesn't

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mean you need to accept them. And it doesn't mean if you accepted them,

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doesn't mean you can't then reject them.

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But I'm there thinking and I'm going over the last relationship I was in,

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which really took a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, just psychologically.

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It took a toll on me. Here I am, for example, I'm going to give you one scenario

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of this person where I was in a situation in this relationship with this person.

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We're going back and forth. We're having intercourse. We're doing all these things.

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I get pregnant, never knowing that this person was also having sexual relationships with other people.

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And it so happens one day I decide I'm

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gonna go check out what's going on because you

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know the vibe just vibes sometimes and I went over to his

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house and there was another woman in his bed and this man to this day will act

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as if it's the act of me showing up and going into his house or what he called

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breaking into his house which I didn't break into the house I used a code to

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get into to the door because I lived at that house at one point.

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And he will use that to usurp the fact that he was having sexual relationships

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and having a woman in the bed while I was pregnant and acting like he has no idea about that.

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He will use that and he will focus on that certain narcissistic trait.

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So when I talk about a guide to dealing with a narcissist, this person definitely

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was was an influence to that book, because you would think someone with good

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sense would know, yo, you're wrong.

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You can't, it's not okay for you to be treating someone this way.

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And here's the thing.

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These people, and I'm not going to say all guys are like this.

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I'm not going to use these overgeneralizations and all of those.

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Those are my experiences. But one of the things I had to realize is I am putting myself in these situations.

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I chose these people. And not only did I choose them, even after they showed

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me who they were, I kept going back to them.

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So I had a miscarriage and that was still not enough for me to walk my little

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tail away from this person. I went back to him again, back to the situation or actually entertained him

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coming back because all my body, he enjoyed my body.

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And sometimes us women, we confuse sex for love. He didn't love me.

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He didn't love me. No one who loves you is going to hurt you.

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People who love you will protect you.

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They will serve you well. They will ensure that your best interest is also their interest.

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They are not going to manipulate and gaslight you and do things to you and then

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act like you're the reason why they did it. So he didn't love me,

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but he enjoyed my body. And I allowed it.

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I allowed it. Not only did I allow that situation, I put myself in other situations

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when dealing with men who are married or dealing with someone as the side or

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dealing with dude who just slide through for the day.

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I put myself myself in those situations. I did it.

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I did it. I did it to me.

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So as I'm having this conversation with my cousin, I am reflecting on the decision I made to be single.

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And sometimes people believe that being single is like a life sentence and that you're not good enough.

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Or maybe you are like a five, but you're trying to get a 10,

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you know, because some people feel like the reason why why you're single is

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because your expectations are too high. You need to lower them.

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You're not good enough to be able to choose which partners you want.

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But I absolutely know at this point, this place in my maturity,

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that I am valuable enough to choose who I share my time, my resources,

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and my body with. I know better.

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I know better. And the decision to be single came with a cost.

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It's going through all of those situations and at some point going,

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yo, I cannot keep doing this.

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I cannot keep putting myself in these situations.

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I cannot keep attracting the same energies just with a different face.

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I cannot keep doing this.

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At some point, I got to the place where it was, was no, no, I'm not going to

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let you use my body as a drive-through anymore, like a toy anymore,

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like a play thing anymore, just casually anymore.

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I'm not just going to let you use me like a puppet.

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Nah. So when I got to that point, that's when my true healing began because

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then I was able to to really,

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truly take some time out and focus on where the trauma was and what to do to address it.

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I'm not going to be on this, having a long conversation with this by myself,

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because I do want to include other people in this chat, but I do want to share this with you.

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At this point in your life. You've been recycling the same experiences over and over again.

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You've been attracting the same types of people into your life and you've been

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accepting behaviors that are not good for you, not healthy for you,

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and are causing trauma that you're going to have to heal from later on if you

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want to live a productive, thriving life.

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So you are at a point right now where you have to make some tough decisions.

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You have to decide. Is this person worth it for all of the risk that comes with it?

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All of the consequences that comes with it?

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All of the damages that comes with it?

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All of the baggage that comes with it? Is their phallus that good?

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Is their phallus worth you defiling

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your body and corrupting so

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much more than because some of

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you you're you're messing up your money you're messing

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up your family dynamics you're messing up your ph balance is it worth it is

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it worth it is it worth it for me it was a resounding no i have gone gone through

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enough experiences to know it was time to say no.

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So yes, while people want to talk about, oh, you're only single because you've been through this.

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Yo, I've had my share amount of experiences.

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So they're not lying. I was 21 when I first had any kind of sexual intercourse. I got married.

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And for that time I was married, it was my husband and I. But once we got separated, raised?

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Oh. And then when we got divorced, oh, it was on.

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Because I didn't do anything in college. You know, they talk about those college uni years.

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I didn't do any of that. I was a church girl. I was in the church. I was focused on that.

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And then I don't know what happened at 30. When I turned 30.

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I was out here thinking I was living my best life and not realizing what I was

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doing was really adding trauma to my life.

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I was really creating wounds to myself that I was going to have to recover from

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later on. See, that's the thing.

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While you're out here YOLOing, what people don't tell you is that at some point,

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you're going to have to deal with all the consequences of the YOLO.

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If you are not doing it in a healthy way, you're going to have to deal with

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it later on. People don't talk about that.

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So people are just out here promoting certain behaviors and certain tendencies.

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And they are wrapping it up and decorating it with living your best life.

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It's a lie. It's a lie.

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It's a lie. lie. And it's not worth it.

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It's not worth it for me. And it certainly is not worth it for my cousins and

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the other women who are making a choice and saying, no, no, I cannot,

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keep letting you do this to me.

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And I'm, and you know, I say letting you do this to me because it's us that's allowing it.

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Why is that guy coming back to you thinking he can have sexual intercourse with

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you even after he did you dirty, even after he did you wrong.

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Why does he think he can do that? Because he's either done it to other women

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and they've allowed it, or he's done it to you at some point and you've allowed it. I did it.

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Dude did me dirty on so many levels. I shared one incident with you.

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He did so many other things, so many other things that I didn't write in my

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book because I was truly embarrassed. I'm still embarrassed.

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So many things to me and I still.

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Went back. I still had him come through.

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You know why? Because when he showed up, dude was like my kryptonite.

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I felt some type of way physically, like sexually. It was like, it was like, ooh.

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And again, sometimes women, we use that feeling of the chemistry that you might

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have with a person as a sign that y'all should be together.

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That is some bull, that's foolishness. I'm telling

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you from a place of maturing I'm

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not going to say I'm at a place of maturation because I'm still growing

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but after going through things observing

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other people going through those things having conversation seeing the strides

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I've taken and where I am now and looking back at those places and that time

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in my life I can say with 100% certainty Chemistry does not mean love.

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Chemistry, just because you're that person, that sexual chemistry doesn't mean love.

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Just because he makes you shiver or there's butterflies, that's not love. That's not how it works.

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Love is a verb. It's an action. It's what they do.

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Yeah, your emotions can be manipulated. Yeah, the vibe can be manipulated. Yes, it can.

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Some people are very good. and making you feel a certain type of way so they get what they want.

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At some point, you have to say no, no more, no, no more, no,

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no more, no, no more. And you have to mean it.

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You have to say what you mean and mean what you say.

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And even though in that moment you might be weak, you can't say no and mean

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it because your body is saying something else.

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But your mind is telling you, girl, you better walk away.

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In fact, you better run. Let me tell you, some of you have to move from where you live.

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You have to change your phone numbers. You have to deactivate those accounts.

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Some of you have to do some drastic things so you can stop the behaviors in

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its track and do something differently.

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If you do not stop, you are going to continue recycling this behavior.

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You're going to produce children in these terrible situations,

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and you're going to keep going and going. And your children are a blessing for certain.

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No excuse. They are.

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And sometimes it's having those children that help us to realize that we have

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to change our ways, that we have to expect better from ourselves,

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that we have to hold ourselves at a higher standard.

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And we cannot expect those people who treated us badly to all of a sudden go,

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oh, yeah, I'm treating her badly, so I'm going to change.

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Because that's not going to happen. It may happen, but don't hold your breath.

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Those people want what they want, and they will get what they want at the expense of you.

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They don't care if you're broken. They don't care if you're breaking.

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They're getting what they want. And the more you allow them to do it,

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the more they're going to do it. It might be uncomfortable. You're familiar with this situation.

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You're familiar with this. You know, you guys, we like to say, better the devil you know.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. That makes sense on some levels, but it's foolish.

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Because what you don't understand is you don't have to just know devils.

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There's another side. You can have different experiences.

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And no, we get into this habit because we're recycling the same types of energies

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and the same patterns with different faces.

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We think that's just it and that's the world.

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But this is why I'm an advocate for being single.

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Getting to a point where not single, you're saying you're single,

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But you're really out here doing Tom, Dick, Harry, Sheila and Sharon.

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You're doing all these different things. But I'm talking about being single

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where you're finding yourself again,

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where you're struggling through doing things and discovering how to fix things

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again by yourself. self. I'm talking about being single where sometimes it is lonely and you are uncomfortable

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in that loneliness, but you're working through it. I'm talking about that type of single.

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That's the single I'm talking about. The single where you're like,

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I'm still going to go out and explore different countries, different places,

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have fun with my family and my friends, meet new people, but I don't have to open my thighs.

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That type of single. The type of single where you are are managing your finances and you're taking

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care of your children and you don't have to depend on anyone else. That type of single.

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Not the single where you're in a situationship. Not the single where it's complicated.

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It's the single where you're single, where you are cutting all ties.

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You're cutting all ties. It's the single where you are actually doing what you're

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working You're working out, you're eating well, you're doing what it takes, you're reading.

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If you need to go to church, you're going to church, to the temple,

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wherever your spiritual place is, even if it's at home.

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And you're working on yourself. And you're not neglecting the areas of yourself

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that has caused you these issues.

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But you are now saying, I'm going to expose those parts of me and I'm going to address them.

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You're going to therapy. You're doing what it takes. That type of single.

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When you get to that type of single, you will recognize the reset.

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You will realize that you're in a state of reset.

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It's like pressing a reset button. You're clearing out those negative energies.

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And you're going to become very attractive even to those people who are trying

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to F you over time and time and time again.

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Those people who did F you over time and time again. Those people who you let

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do it time and time again. You're going to become more attractive to them. But you are now at a place where

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you can say no with confidence, with your chest, and with you meaning it.

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Where even if your body shivers a little and you get a little palpitation down

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there and it gets a little moist, that you can still say no with your chest.

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That you can still walk away because you know for a fact this person hasn't changed, but I have.

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Have this person is in the same place they

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were before but I am not and you

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made better decisions for you and the

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future you but also healing the past you and thinking about how to nurture the

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children that may have come from you how to prepare them for life how to prepare

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them to deal with people like this and how to deal with themselves,

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how to manage themselves so they don't just give themselves over to their emotions

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or just give themselves over to the will of somebody else.

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So as I reflected with my cousin today, I realized that I'm not alone on my journey. I'm not alone.

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And, you know, we talked about when was the last time we really met a single

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man? Like a man that's actually single.

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Because people like to throw that word around, but they're not really single.

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When was the last time? And I can't tell you. I honestly cannot tell you.

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I haven't met one yet in a long, long time. Right?

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And I'm not willing to be a side chick to another dude. I'm not willing to share

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someone's husband with or without her knowledge.

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I'm not willing to do the one night slam bang.

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Thank you, ma'am. I'm not willing to just, I'm not willing.

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I've been there, done that. I have the t-shirts. I have the books. I'm just not willing.

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So at this point, it's like, all right, cool. pool. It's either I'm going to

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meet this person, not the facade,

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not the one who's bringing the representation just for a moment,

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the representative for a moment, not the one that is pretending.

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But the real deal, the person who's also been through the healing process,

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who's also been single, who's also reset, who is also a whole person now and

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ready for another whole person.

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Either I meet him and we become a partner, partnership, and we work cooperatively

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together as a team, because that's what I yearn for and that's what I want.

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But if that cannot happen, I am going to remain single because I understand

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the cost associated with accepting accepting all these other scenarios.

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And I'm not willing to do that again because I've done it.

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I've done it. I've done it. Some of you have to learn by touching

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the hot stove. Some of us learn by watching you touch the hot stove.

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For a long time, I was watching other people touch the hot stove and then I

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jumped right into the fire. Well, this time I'm out of the fire and the frying pan and I'm just working

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on healing all my blisters and my wounds and my burns.

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And I'm not willing to step back into the same place that caused me harm. I'm not.

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Are you? Are you willing to give these people another shot at hurting you?

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Are you willing to do that to yourself? I'm not. I'm not. I believe there are men out here who are right for me that will be healing to me.

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They will help aid with the healing, that they are people who are good for me.

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They're just good for me. They're healthy for me.

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They bring peace. They bring joy. They bring the prosperity.

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They bring all the goodness of life because there's a goodness to life you don't

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experience when you are going through trauma after trauma after trauma.

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There's this survival mode that you're in constantly that doesn't allow you

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to really experience life and love the way you should as humans.

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It shouldn't be just about suffering

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and pain. It shouldn't just be about that. There is more to love.

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About life. There's more to relationships than sex.

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I want great sex, but I'm not going to use sex and I don't want anyone else to use me for sex.

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This is the part in my life where I want to experience the beauty of love and relationships.

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Love and relationship. And when I say relationships, relationships.

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This is also platonic relationships, my romantic and platonic relationships.

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I want to see the experience, the beauty in them.

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And I'm wishing the same for you. So again, I'm reminding you, make good decisions.

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If you're already in a relationship, reassess and assess where you are.

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I encourage singleness. It's not a life sentence. It doesn't mean you're going to be single forever.

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Forever it might be for some of us but that's not what it means it means it's a period of.

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Reset that's how I'm considering it it's a

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moment to like yep and yeah

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don't let these people make you feel bad because they're like oh it's because

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you've had so many run men run through you that might be the case that might

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be that might be the case don't allow because you don't want them to be be right

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to stop you from going into your singleness.

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Be single. Be single.

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Cut off this pattern. Stop the cycle.

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Stop the cycle. And one of the ways you can do that is by truly being single

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for a period of time in your life so that you,

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enough time, enough practice so that you can and reset from all the foolishness

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that you've experienced. That's my time. I'm wishing you the best, and I hope you're wishing me the best

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as well, because I'm not exempt from this struggle, you know?

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I'm not. I'm right in this thing with you.

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Just because I have a microphone and a platform doesn't mean I'm exempt.

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I'm right in this with you. So wishing you the best, And I hope you can get to a place where you can say, no, enough is enough.

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I want better for my life. I'm worth more.

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I have enough value.

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This is, it's not okay. I don't want this anymore.

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I hope and pray you get to that point and you can mean it.

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And may your journey be one of healing, of bliss, of joy, and that you will

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meet other people who are on the same path. wishing you the best have a great day bye.