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All right, good morning, good afternoon, good night, ladies and gentlemen,

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this is Marsha Kurtali and here with this version, this episode of Candid Conversation.

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So today I'm going to talk to you a little bit about this idea of emotional

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damaged people always being promiscuous. So recently, I came across this post.

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And in this post, this gentleman by the name of Dr.

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Umar stated that emotionally damaged women were always promiscuous.

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Apparently he reckons that

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these women have to have constant validation

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and so because they need that constant validation

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they always have to have tons of men around them tons of men in them tons of

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men through them you know and I'm here to tell you and him and those of you

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who hold this belief that it's not true.

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Now, are there people who are promiscuous because they have been emotionally traumatized?

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Absolutely. Are there people who are celibate, who've governed themselves accordingly.

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Who've restrained themselves from being involved with other people,

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who've become isolated because cause of emotional damage.

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Yes, there are those people. Now, additionally,

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are there people who've gone through various stages of life from promiscuity

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into where they're like, I don't want to do that anymore because it does not serve me well.

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Absolutely. So for us to live in the absolute and believe that everybody falls

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under a certain blanket is a flawed way of thinking and being.

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And I've fallen into that same category of wanting to have blanket statements that fits everybody.

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And the truth of the matter is it doesn't. It doesn't.

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So when we talk about promiscuity, we are talking about people who are frequently

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involved with numerous people in a sexual manner.

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Now, some people do talk about liberation, and then there is the term of what

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they call sexual positivity. And I am now at the stage of life where I do believe strongly,

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wholeheartedly, that sex should not be treated casually.

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I strongly and wholeheartedly believe that sex is a sacred act that can promote

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healing and wellness when used properly, when used intentionally,

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when used safely.

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And when we talk about safely, we're not just talking about the physicality of it,

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not just the physical aspect of it, but realizing that when you engage with

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someone one in such a sexually intimate way that they could bring harm to you physiologically,

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emotionally, and mentally.

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When we talk about physiology, we are talking about the biology of things and

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how that works and how it affects us.

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So for example, let me give you an idea of what I'm talking about when I say this.

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Have you ever, ladies, have you ever dealt with a guy? Okay.

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And when you're done, your whole pH balance is eschewed. It's a mess.

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Like your body starts to cleanse itself in a way, and it's not because you have

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any kind of viruses or anything like that.

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You didn't contract anything, but your body is actually cleansing itself.

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And so there's certain discharges and whatnot happening because your body's cleansing yourself.

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Some of you have used this as an indication that the person you're messing with

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or was in a relationship with or your partner,

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your husband was cheating because the pH balance is off. That's a real thing.

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It's a real thing and not to be underestimated. It's a real thing.

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And some people are simply not compatible with you on that physical level because

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they will mess up your stuff, right? Right? The same thing happens on an emotional level.

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When those people right after you think you just had the greatest time of your

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life and right after they ghost you and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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So I just introduced you inside of me into my life, into my body for you to

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just act like I am nobody. That does something to a person.

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After you've been involved with someone physically and realize that they are

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also entertaining two, three other people. And some of you may know that and

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you may also be involved in that, but there are some things that happens to us emotionally.

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And some of those things happen because of what has happened to us emotionally.

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So while I don't agree that everyone who has been emotionally damaged is promiscuous,

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I do understand that some people who've been through emotional pain have done

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some things they later regret.

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Like, give me one second, because midnight, you know my cat, she's here. Hold on.

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Come on, mama. Come on in. All right, all right.

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So midnight has joined the party. if you have not listened to that episode where

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I talk about midnight, please do because it was very insightful.

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And you know, I'm one of those people, I will take one thing and I take some

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layers and layers from it. But yeah, midnight is in the house.

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But yeah, so I think when we talk about people.

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When we do things, it comes from somewhere. It's coming from somewhere.

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Rarely do we just do things because, even though some of us feel like it is, no, I'm just doing it.

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What we don't understand because some of us are not introspective is that even

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though the damage isn't seen, or even though the trauma isn't like glaring at you,

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it happens and operates in the background.

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And so just like PC, a laptop, one of your devices,

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where sometimes you're looking at the screen, that's the one you're focused

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on, but you either forgot that you opened up some other screens and they're in the background,

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or there's some things in the operating system that's operating and working

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that you don't even know about, and you don't even know how to remove,

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and you're going to have to learn how to remove it or get someone professional

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to remove it or close it down, shut it down, whatever it is, or repair it.

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It's the same thing happens with us. There are certain things that are happening

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on the back burner, on the backside,

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behind the scenes that affects how we do things and why we do things that we

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don't always get to recognize.

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We don't always admit it because we don't see it.

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So again, while I do not agree that emotionally damaged people are always women,

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emotionally damaged women, because he targeted women specifically,

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are always promiscuous, I will say that there are women who are promiscuous

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because they have been emotionally damaged.

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Okay. So I will say that, which now brings me to this point of,

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okay, so we're emotionally damaged.

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What do we do? Now I do have a very controversial perspective now,

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now and it's taken me some time to

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get here but I stand on it

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fully okay and I

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am I'm not ever going to be a hypocrite with you I'm not going to tell you something

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and then act like I'm doing it when I know I'm not or whatever I'm not going

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to do that if I'm not doing it I'm not doing it if I am so I'm going to tell

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you so what I stand on fully hold on let me close this door oh goodness.

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Because midnight decided she's going to step on out and left the door open.

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She doesn't close doors behind her. All right. I know what you're thinking. She's a cat, but something I do stand on right now.

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Oh, she's back. This girl.

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Are you back midnight? Yeah. Okay.

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I'll just leave the door open then. Okay. She taught me something.

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I just leave the door open so she can come in and go out, you know,

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go back to that episode where I talk about midnight.

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She's not always like this, but there are times where she is. Yes, ma'am.

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Yeah. What happened? Oh no.

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You're going to let me talk now? Maybe. Okay.

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So one of the things I stand on when we talk about, yes, emotionally damaged,

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emotionally traumatized, what do you do with that?

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Because if you already know that, do you really want to just continue your life in that way.

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That is an option. It's an option to just carry on living life the way that you've always lived it.

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You may find comfort in different people, several people, many people,

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but in reality, most of us cannot sustain that lifestyle for one thing or the

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other, one reason or the other. One of it is we age and things change.

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And so we are not always able to sustain the a lifestyle of promiscuity. We're just not, right?

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So that's one thing.

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So on that level, can you continue living a life like that?

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Can you continue living a cycle, living in that perpetual cycle of pain and

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hurt, and then acting from that place?

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It's also not a sustainable way way to live because that means you're constantly causing damage.

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And when you are constantly causing damage, you are living in survival mode

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and your brain is in survival mode because it also affects you that way too, right?

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And I'm not going to go deep into that because that's not my area of expertise.

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I can just talk about that from my personal experience and observing other people

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through empirical observation and data.

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So someone else may be able to tell you how it affects you on a neurological aspect.

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But I will say this, do you really want to live your life in a perpetual state

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of pain and hurt and trauma?

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Probably not, right? I am going to go out on a limb and say,

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several of us, in fact, maybe most of us want to heal,

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want to deal with those things that have affected us and sabotaged us and caused

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us to live a life that is dim and is causing us not to live our fullest lives.

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Glowiest, brightest, happiest life. I am going to go out on a limb and say that

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most of us just want to be happy.

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And when you are in a perpetual state of trauma, happiness is the furthest thing from you.

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You are on a pursuit, you're seeking it, and you will land in places all the

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time that will not facilitate happiness, but it's a quick band-aid.

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It's a quick dose of something. thing.

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And then you're right back to the reality of what it truly is.

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So what I would think is the option, the best thing for us to do is to heal.

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So here's what I'm going to say that is a little bit controversial.

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And let me close the story again because midnight stepped out again. Hold on.

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My controversial point is this. I think some of us need to abstain from sex

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and we need to practice to celibacy. And let me be clear.

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Some of you have the idea, because I've seen this and I've heard it,

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I've read it, that you believe that people who are practicing celibacy are those

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people who have been ran through and gone through,

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and now they want to be at a place of, oh, they're abstaining.

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Ladies and gentlemen, that might be correct.

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Again, we just talked about, out, do you want to live this perpetual state of trauma?

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Do you actually think promiscuity is sustainable?

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Do you want to live a life where you're constantly just running from one person

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to the next, being on the one person to the next, being over one per in, one per out?

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Is that a life you want to live?

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For me, it was a no. It's a no. So of course, you get to, as a person,

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as a human, with free will. You get to choose.

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You get to choose whether or not you want to maintain the lifestyle that did

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not serve you well, or you want to change it.

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Yeah, some people are going to run their mouth and want to say some things, but you know what?

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You can own it. You can say, you know what, bro? Sis, you're right.

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I have been run through. And you don't have to tell people that.

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You don't have to disclose anything about anything to anybody,

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but if you choose to, you can own it.

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Yeah, I've been run through. I've had my share of this, that, and the other, but I'm at a stage in my life

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that I want something different. And so I'm going to do different and I'm going to commit to that difference.

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So them people who are looking at you and talking about you blah blah.

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Well, keep looking, honey, because you are going to be in the same state five years from now.

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And what's going to happen with a person who choose to do something different?

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For the enhancement of their life. They're going to be in a different place.

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And not everyone's place looks grandeur, doesn't look like obviously amazing

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because some of, you know, we weigh up success in different ways.

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But the small steps, for some people, it's going to be a small step.

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Just when you, like you think about alcoholism.

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Some of you absolutely need to abstain from alcohol, like period, full stop.

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Not a sip not not a nothing not

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a nothing and that might

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be for a period of time until you have developed enough self-control and self-management

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to where you can have a sip of alcohol but it doesn't take you over the edge

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it doesn't you don't go into the extremities right?

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So it's the same thing. And it blows my mind how much we have normalized sex to be such a casual act,

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a toy, a play thing, a thing that we use to fulfill a bored spot,

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a thing that we use just to greet someone.

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We meet a person for the first time on a date, or we casually light like them,

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like them enough to smile at them.

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We think it's enough to then open ourselves to them sexually.

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It's crazy. When you actually think about it,

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it is crazy that we allow complete strangers into the most intimate parts of

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ourselves and we don't question it.

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We question the people who are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

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whoa. whoa, we frown on those people.

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The people were like, ah, no, I have boundaries.

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I actually care about what goes in my body and I care about what affects my

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mind and my emotions and my will.

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Because when you are honest with yourself, you know that the act of sex has consequences,

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and some of us cannot handle the consequences of sex.

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So therefore, it's better for some of us to practice celibacy and abstain.

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And I'm not saying do that forever.

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I'm saying do that until you develop enough self-restraint, self-control,

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self-management so you can choose Choose better partners, make different choices

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for yourself and heal from those emotional traumas. That's what I'm saying.

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You cannot get better as an alcoholic.

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For example, let me use that because that resonates differently with people.

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And maybe that will help to drive the point across.

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As an alcoholic who've seen how you've become abusive and angry and you've destroyed

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your family and your finances and your kidneys and your liver and your organs and your body,

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how it's caused you to be in a depressive state

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or if you use it to help you get out of

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a depressive state how when you

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are not trying to use it how it brings you

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even further down you've seen the consequences of overindulgence in alcohol

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or over dependence on alcohol you have seen how it's affected your life and

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when you get to the first step to the point first when you're disgusted because

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that's part of the healing. When you're disgusted with your

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situation, when you look around and you say, whoa, this is where I am?

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The little boy that I was grew up to be this kind of man.

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The little girl that I was grew up to be this type of woman.

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When you get to the point where you're disgusted with your situation,

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the next step is, oh, I need to make a change.

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You cannot make changes when you see there's no issue. If you see there's no

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issue and everything is all hunky-dory, you're not going to make a change.

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If you don't see there's a problem, you're not going to make a change.

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So in order for you to make any changes in your life, you have to first get disgusted with it.

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You have to first see that there's a problem. You have to first be able to admit

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that you need to do better and that you want better.

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And that change is going to be uncomfortable.

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Some of us don't like any level of discomfort.

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We don't like any level of not having anything. We want everything and we want it now.

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We don't like waiting for a thing.

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We don't like going through any kind of process. No.

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And because of that, we keep ourselves in the the same perpetual state of trauma.

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So if you think about alcoholism and you think about people who made the choice to become sober.

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For some people, they have cut out alcohol altogether.

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Bam. Some people went through a process for them to get to that place.

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Some people, after they've gone through that process, they never touch alcohol

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again because they feel as though they can't.

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They never want to go back to that place.

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And so for some people, it's going to take years of developing a new pattern,

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a new habit of how to handle themselves in social situations or handle themselves

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when they're in a depressive state, handle themselves when they are in states of pressure.

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You know, it's a new habit they have to create because you have to replace those

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habits that cause you to create the situations of pain and damage and all of

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that, you have to replace that with something else. And when you think about it

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now when you think about that drawing

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that parallel some people are able

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to take a drink once in a while after they've gone through their process some

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people can do that take a drink once in a while but they're not dependent on

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it that it doesn't destroy their life it doesn't consume them and they can get

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on with life right some people just can't do that.

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So you have to know yourself.

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You have to know what you can handle and what you can't.

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You have to know that. Can you believe midnight is back? Seriously.

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Come on, mama. You want to go in the house, but the door is open.

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So for those of you who do not know, right? So I have turned my shed into my office in my backyard.

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So the door, because the weather is really nice today.

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Well, not really nice. The sun isn't out, but it's not too cold and it's not rainy here in England.

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But the door is open. and she can run inside, but she wants me to walk with

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her to go to the house. And I'm not doing that because I'm talking to you.

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But so let's bring it back a little bit and then I'm going to wrap this up.

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So essentially I started with this idea that people who are promiscuous or reverse,

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people who have been emotionally damaged are not always promiscuous.

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And I truly believe that. Not every single person who have gone through some things must,

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or women, because a lot of time we like to target women, right?

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Especially when it comes to sex and our bodies, it's just easy to point fingers

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at women. People do that so often.

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So it's easy to say women who have been emotionally damaged are promiscuous,

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but that's not how that works. Not all of us are that. Although I do agree that people who are promiscuous,

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some of them have been emotionally damaged. I agree with that. But we have to move past that.

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We are now at the stage where, okay, so we're emotionally damaged. What do we do?

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And one of it I'm going to suggest to you and to have suggested to you that

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maybe you reconsider how you're using sex.

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Reconsider how often you're having sex and with whom.

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If you're in a relationship with a different conversation, completely different conversation.

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If you're in a relationship and you're in a marriage, different conversation.

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This is for my single people. This is for my single folks out here. Those of you who are at marriage or in a relationship,

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you have to find just like Like single people, you have to find ways to heal

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through your trauma and you have to find ways to heal through your trauma without

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using sex as a band-aid. Sex can be healing.

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That level of intimacy can create some powerful, good vibes for you,

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good energy, good chemical, good chemistry for you.

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But some of you are also using it improperly and recklessly, even in your marriages.

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Yes, ma'am? This girl, she is...

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I don't know, all over the place today. So all of us have to find a way to handle our emotional traumas.

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You have to find ways. It's not sustainable to live the way you're living.

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There is a life beyond emotional trauma.

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There is life beyond promiscuity. There is life beyond all the pain and the

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hurt and the normal that you've experienced in your life. There is life beyond that.

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There's a softer, more relaxed, and more fulfilling, happy way of living and being.

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That's where you want to get to. And you can only do that if you heal.

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You can't bypass that step. You can't bypass that step. I know it sounds so cliche, but honey,

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I'm telling you, you cannot bypass that step. You have to heal.

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You have to heal. And you're not going to get that by running into the arms

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of someone else or between their thighs.

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You're just not, okay? You have to do some healing because once that person lets you down,

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you're gonna be right back. So with that, because my midnight is over here doing a lot, I'm gonna wrap this thing up.

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But I'm Marsha Kurtz-Halley and I'm here to remind you that your life is worth

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living and happiness is definitely your birthright. It is yours to have.

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Sadness and bitterness and anger and pain is not the only thing you're supposed

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to experience in this human life, in this human experience.

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You are supposed to enjoy living.

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And enjoy living doesn't always mean having sexual intercourse with everyone you meet.

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Be responsible in what you do, be intentional in the things you do and the people

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who you invite into your space. And perhaps consider celibacy, abstaining for a while to see how that can facilitate

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your healing from emotional traumas.

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Okay. I am Marsha Cartalli. I am wishing you the best in all you do.

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And we'll talk, wait, yeah.

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And we'll talk soon. Bye.