1:59

We'll be talking about those in a little bit

2:02

and of course for as many Dramatic

2:04

slash comedic roles and for directing

2:07

and for writing and he's been

2:09

with us here Before that

2:11

was over zoom now. He's back big

2:14

up Ben Miller It's

2:17

easier for you to meet me here than to

2:19

come to Gloucestershire Yeah,

2:22

cuz you live in Gloucestershire in that lovely

2:24

place that I remember from the zoom in

2:27

the middle of nowhere I mean we

2:30

We've got a dilemma at the moment because we're on oil

2:32

and

2:33

And the last year I was nasty

2:36

oil the oil. So we're on nasty oil. They

2:38

call you fossil fuel Miller fossil

2:40

fuel Miller Yeah, and we're off grid. Yeah,

2:44

so you what a tank in

2:46

the ground a tank. We have a tank of oil.

2:48

Yeah kerosene Okay,

2:51

and we burn that to keep us those warm in

2:53

the which popular Rod Stewart song features

2:55

the word kerosene It's

2:58

not Maggie me. Oh the rhythm of

3:00

my heart is beating like a

3:02

drum

3:04

Saying

3:09

to penny there's something wrong with my heart It's

3:12

kind of beating like a drum of kerosene

3:14

No, you know, it goes down in the gutter

3:17

life is slipping away. They never

3:20

at one point. He was kerosene

3:22

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he does What

3:24

song is the rhythm of my heart? I

3:27

didn't know the song. Oh the rhythm

3:29

of my heart is beating

3:32

like a drum with the words I

3:34

love you rolling off my tongue. Yes,

3:36

well, that's not even nice now I remember that when

3:39

I roll for I know my place

3:41

is home where the ocean meets

3:43

the sky He didn't go like this. I'll

3:45

be saying you don't remember that He

3:48

didn't know he's yeah.

3:50

I mean

3:51

it was usually bus six, wasn't it? And

3:54

still but I saw him so recently shifting from one

3:56

turning with his back towards the audience. Yeah looking

3:59

coyly over his buttocks, very few

4:01

people can do that. And he would

4:03

shift the weight from one buttock to

4:05

the other. With the beating

4:07

of my heart. You've

4:09

learnt the song almost instantly.

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6:00

So what brings you into town then?

6:03

Well I came to, well

6:05

I'm on the book promo trail

6:08

to be honest, and I came to do Chris Evans

6:10

show this morning, which I have to say I absolutely

6:13

adore. I think that man is marvellous

6:16

and I've been a huge fan. Back in

6:18

the day, so I'm talking, I think

6:21

we're probably talking early 90s, Alexander

6:24

Armstrong and I used to go

6:26

to

6:27

see him record TFI

6:30

Friday. So we would be in

6:32

that bar, do you remember that bar? So he'd

6:34

have the show, he would do, I mean

6:36

he was really sort of

6:37

completely writing the rules of how you would

6:39

do a sort of Friday night show. He had the most

6:42

incredible interviews, he had the most extraordinary,

6:44

the bands, Rob, the bands that he had on there.

6:47

And we would be one of those

6:49

tragic people hanging

6:51

around in the bar because

6:53

we knew, I mean we'd

6:55

met something,

6:57

because he's got a big team around him hasn't he? So

7:00

you can kind of get to know the

7:02

team without ever getting to know Chris.

7:04

So we were so, we were like sort of, not

7:07

even satellites on the periphery of his orbit.

7:10

He's like knowing some of Elvis' guys but

7:12

never actually meeting Elvis.

7:15

Exactly, but hanging around in a bar,

7:18

were you known at this stage?

7:20

Had you had some exposure? Would people

7:22

know you? Not really, I mean no, I don't really

7:24

think so. I mean we were on the Paramount Comedy

7:27

Channel so no, we weren't known. We

7:30

did,

7:32

I mean I think we'd been on maybe a bit on Saturday Live

7:34

at that point, so we'd had like a kind

7:36

of a sniff perhaps. And

7:39

what stuff would you have been doing on Saturday

7:42

Live? Which characters would you be on? Oh

7:44

so we, this is fun

7:46

actually, we got booked

7:49

for just to do the pilot and

7:51

we were going to do our Swedish rock band.

7:54

Our Norwegian rock band, Striker. Yeah.

7:57

And you know we're the... the

8:00

guys from Stryker with the third most

8:02

popular band in Norway. Number

8:05

two, MC Nut House! And

8:08

this morning we played Chilton

8:11

Rock Morning. So

8:13

cool, so cool. We've been on the road like eight

8:16

days, man. This

8:19

afternoon we play Saffron Walden Rock

8:21

afternoon! And we would

8:23

do a song, so

8:26

to speak, on the pilot. We

8:29

did that and we got, and we were, I

8:31

think we'd only done Edinburgh at this point. This was like...

8:34

Yeah, but you won the Perrier. Well,

8:36

not at this point we hadn't. So Saturday Live

8:38

sort of started at the beginning of the summer. So we're building

8:41

up to, we're building up

8:43

to August. So it's only about sort of June, July at this point.

8:45

And then we got booked for, so they

8:48

didn't like the pilot. They made another pilot. You

8:50

know how you,

8:51

I just remember this feeling, probably wasn't the same for

8:53

you, but I was feeling like I had my nose pressed up at the

8:55

glass. I'm never gonna get in.

8:57

Nothing's ever gonna happen. But for the pilot, they

9:00

don't like the pilot. They're not gonna pick the pilot. They're gonna make another

9:02

pilot

9:03

and we get booked onto the next

9:05

pilot. Then we get booked for the

9:08

first show of the series and there's gonna be, I think, eight,

9:10

nine, ten shows in the series. It's

9:13

gonna go out live. There's gonna be the most amazing bands

9:15

playing. So the bands are getting better and better. By the time

9:17

it gets to show one, we've got Ray Charles is

9:19

sort of opening the show. Seriously. Do you remember Lee

9:22

Hurst was the competitor?

9:25

And what? Ray Charles? Ray Charles?

9:28

Yeah, we had Ray Charles. Not Tina Charles. I

9:31

love to love. Not her.

9:34

Ray Charles. Yeah, there was an awful moment because Junior

9:37

Simpson was doing a warm-up

9:39

for Ray Charles. And

9:42

of course they brought Ray Charles,

9:44

Charles, Ray Charles is opening the show. So they bring him onto

9:46

the stage. And as

9:48

he comes on, Junior Simpson says, ladies

9:51

and gentlemen, I can't believe I'm here

9:54

with this man on stage, Ray Charles.

9:57

And Ray Charles thinks he's been introduced for the show

9:59

and starts... his opening number and

10:02

so then Lee Hurst has

10:04

to go over and say sorry

10:06

sorry can we can we stop can we stop can we stop

10:08

that's not the beginning of the show so

10:12

it felt like one of those shows that's just that's never

10:14

going to go on how did how did Ray Charles respond

10:16

to that was he okay with with

10:19

uh curse with

10:21

yeah with terseless and anger

10:23

as my response it was like it was sort of

10:25

you know who are these amateurs that kind

10:28

of that kind of uh attitude

10:30

and understandably sir i mean anyway so

10:33

yeah so we booked onto that show and we did yeah

10:35

we did on one of our sort of uh you know Norwegian

10:38

rock songs

10:39

and then got booked onto the second show

10:42

we're so desperate we're so desperate for any kind

10:44

of breadth of success and

10:46

then the second show the third show that we got booked

10:48

for we came on into

10:50

the rehearsals to find them making

10:53

a banner with the name of our

10:55

band on and at that point we thought

10:58

maybe just maybe we're going to be regulars

11:00

and we did we became regulars we

11:02

were on the show then every week and we got

11:04

booked onto the writing team so we were starting

11:06

to make money out of writing for other people on the show writing

11:09

for Lee and writing for everybody else it was a real

11:11

uh moment and then because the show was coming out we

11:14

suddenly had a bit of profile and we had a show in Edinburgh and then

11:16

yeah a parry award so

11:18

you won the parry on you know no we got nominated for the parry

11:20

award Al Murray won i

11:22

thought i think i thought you won it i don't think we won

11:25

it i think the league of gentlemen won it

11:27

the next year but yeah i remember they yes

11:29

they would have won it around that time yeah oh take

11:33

back my congratulations yeah i mean yeah

11:35

i mean at the time it was like i

11:38

mean it's amazing to get nominated i mean

11:40

parry i don't know that it carries

11:43

the weight no it does no i mean it was a

11:45

huge or maybe it does and we're too old to

11:47

so it doesn't talk about nose

11:49

pressed up against the glass i recognize that

11:52

that feeling when uh

11:54

you're trying to get somewhere and my example

11:57

of that would be watching the british comedy awards

11:59

when steve

11:59

with Coogan was winning

12:02

and Carolina Hern and Craig Cash

12:05

and I can remember watching that that's when I was

12:07

kind of knocking on that glass. Were they all friends of yours?

12:09

No, no I didn't know them at that point and my

12:12

memory of it is is well that's another

12:14

universe I yeah and I couldn't

12:16

see how how can I ever be

12:19

in that world is that how it was for you? Very

12:21

much I mean there was a show as well I don't know

12:24

before that or just after that Saturday Zoo that

12:27

Steve was on he used to do Paul Carf. That

12:29

was a Jonathan Ross fronted show wasn't it?

12:31

Steve did Paul Carf. Right, we loved it and it was

12:34

unbelievably brilliant and you just think this

12:36

is just and then he did the day-to-day you

12:39

know I mean it was amazing. Do you remember John Shuttleworth

12:46

on the Saturday Zoo? Yeah. Do you remember that

12:48

you did telephone acting? Remember that? Yeah,

12:50

you know let's say you get some

12:53

bad news you know on the phone and you pick

12:55

it up you know and then bought

12:58

a number nine bus head-on and he

13:01

says maybe look at the phone you know. Oh Graham

13:06

Fellow. Amazing. Absolutely glorious.

13:10

You worked

13:13

with Lord Coogan

13:15

in his first

13:17

big

13:18

starring role film didn't

13:20

you? I did yeah yeah

13:22

the parole officer. I

13:25

think Simon Beck was meant to play the part

13:27

and then Simon had to drop out for some

13:30

reason I don't remember what he was doing something else

13:32

I mean

13:33

Simon had a lot of other film things at the time

13:36

and I

13:37

absolutely loved it. It was amazing. We filmed it in

13:39

Manchester and for

13:41

anyone who hasn't seen the film I think it stands up

13:43

as a film. It's a great premise.

13:45

It's definitely a film. It's a great premise

13:47

for a film which is that Steve plays this this

13:50

parole officer who and he discovers

13:52

this sort of corruption scandal

13:56

and to

13:56

to sort

13:58

of you

13:59

expose the scandal he needs to get a vital document

14:02

out of a bank vault so he gets

14:05

all the parolees

14:08

that he's been mentoring over the

14:10

years to come together to to

14:12

create the ultimate heist

14:14

gang who are going to break into

14:17

this bank vault and

14:19

and steal the document it's like

14:21

a tape or something of evidence they've got it's

14:24

just fantastic we had omporee in

14:26

that film yeah yeah was that the

14:28

one that Omar Sharif was in?

14:29

Omar Sharif was in it yeah do

14:35

you know that you know the Pizza Express story? I

14:38

felt like you were about to tell a story

14:41

about Omar Sharif go on you tell yours then

14:43

I'll try and remember the Pizza Express one

14:45

well my memory is probably the same as yours

14:47

which is the story that we all loved at the

14:50

time which we were filming in Warrington

14:54

and Omar Sharif is

14:57

a fantastic rock and toe is living this incredible

14:59

life I mean he lived in the Ritz in Paris he

15:01

played bridge all the time he very rarely did

15:03

films in this fantastic I mean fascinating

15:06

life to talk to you

15:08

know to talk to him about I remember sort of this

15:10

isn't to do with the story but I remember sort of asking

15:12

him you know so what is it like you know what's a day

15:15

look like for Omar Sharif in

15:17

the in the Ritz and he said

15:19

well I'll tell you this he said I never eat breakfast you're

15:21

not gonna do the voice I don't

15:24

you're kidding no I'm

15:26

not Sharif because I've been sitting here thinking shall

15:29

I do the voice? you do the voice? I never

15:31

eat breakfast

15:32

he said I never

15:34

eat lunch he says I adore

15:37

supper he

15:38

said at supper I

15:39

eat whatever I like Wow

15:42

yeah beautiful Steve told me

15:44

that when they were in Manchester he said

15:47

he said last night Steve I I'm

15:49

not gonna do the voice he said I

15:52

wanted to

15:53

go out to eat I'm doing the voice He

16:00

said I wanted to go out to eat. So

16:02

I called Pizza Express and

16:05

I said I'd like to

16:07

have

16:07

a table this evening at 7 o'clock.

16:10

And they said I'm sorry, we

16:13

haven't got any tables. And

16:15

he said so what I do is I say well

16:17

can I leave my name and if a table comes

16:20

up they call me.

16:22

So they said take your name. I said it's Omar

16:24

Sharif and I gave them a

16:27

number. And the girl said right you are

16:29

Mr Sharif if anything comes up we'll let you know. And

16:33

then he said and he said

16:34

must be a very good restaurant.

16:38

That's a very good Pizza Express.

16:47

I came to the Premier of the parole officer.

16:50

It all went down back at the Leonard. It

16:53

didn't matter that much. I

16:56

remember walking home

16:58

at about 4 o'clock in the morning or walking

17:01

from that hotel up to Marble Arch.

17:04

And I think it was the first Premier.

17:07

Jurassic Park was the first Premier I ever went

17:09

to because I was a DJ in Wales. But

17:11

this was the first one where I knew that I didn't know

17:13

any of the dinosaurs in Jurassic

17:15

Park. But it was the first one because by then

17:18

I knew Steve. That Premier

17:20

was I mean that's almost like peak

17:23

90s for me. That would

17:25

have been well that would have been 99 2000 something

17:27

like that with it. Very

17:31

yeah very messy. Great. I mean

17:33

fantastic. But sort of I feel

17:36

like it's a bright light that I don't quite want to look

17:38

at. Is that fair. We last

17:40

saw each other only a few days

17:42

about about a week ago when Ben

17:45

and I were both at.

17:47

Carfest Chris Evans festival. Carfest.

17:50

I think you were dressed identically

17:53

to how you are now identically. In fact you

17:56

were wearing something extremely similar and

17:58

and on our YouTube version. this chat,

18:00

people are looking at it even as we speak.

18:03

This has happened to us many times. People

18:06

sometimes remark, do they not, on our physical

18:08

resemblance? I would love to look a bit more

18:11

like you. I always feel I come out of that

18:13

a lot better than you do. It must be jumping at

18:15

any time. You are far too modest. Thank you. So

18:18

we'll show a series of photographs now

18:21

of us. The best one was one of the first ones,

18:23

the double denim. Double denim. That was

18:25

a classic. Remember that? Yeah, that was a classic. They're

18:27

looking at that now. But you

18:29

were at this festival

18:32

and it was a, it's called Car

18:34

Fest that Chris does. So there's cars, there's

18:36

music, there's food and there's wellness.

18:39

And I want to talk about wellness

18:42

and how you look after yourself.

18:45

You always look well. Sometimes

18:48

that can be deceptive. Someone can be riddled on

18:50

the inside, but with a rosy

18:52

glow. Now, how does

18:54

Ben Miller

18:56

keep this like this?

19:01

I think it's

19:03

very lucky that I occasionally

19:06

have to do some filming. I think without that,

19:09

I'd find it harder to stay on the

19:13

wellness path. What does wellness

19:16

mean? Can we just, before we get into this, can

19:19

we just take that apart a little bit? Well, wellness is

19:21

a sort of new idea, isn't it? It's

19:23

not quite health. It seems

19:25

to incorporate ideas of sort of spiritual

19:28

wellbeing as well. So it's not just about your body,

19:30

right? Well, we live in an age where anxiety

19:33

is very prevalent, isn't it? And mental

19:35

health. So I think it encompasses all that,

19:38

but I think it's a circle where one

19:40

helps the other, is it not? It's a circle where

19:42

one helps the other. So it's a new, it's quite,

19:44

at first, I didn't like that word, wellness.

19:47

I just thought, oh, is there another, oh,

19:49

annoying wellness. It doesn't

19:51

even work as a, it doesn't even sound right. But

19:54

the more I've, and well, funnily enough,

19:56

you know, the more time I've spent at places like Carfest

19:58

and you come across some actual.

21:39

my

22:00

way into the day. No

22:02

sudden movement, Mother. Scare the horses.

22:06

Katie Malawa. I

22:09

reached at a jaunty angle

22:11

into a bin before I'd properly woken

22:14

up. This was yesterday.

22:16

I then had to get a train to Manchester

22:19

for a thing. I'd come back and say,

22:21

oh, I said, it's a... Was it a late night? I'd

22:24

had a late night the night before. Yeah,

22:27

so they used the unplanned bend. Yeah,

22:30

it's still unraveling from the night before. You're

22:34

a little bit younger than me. 57.

22:36

I'm 50. So you've got those 12 months to play with.

22:41

But in answer to your question, how are you, I'm

22:44

okay. We're speaking now at the

22:46

beginning of September, 2023.

22:50

Both of us will have had a nice summer. We'll have done

22:52

things. I'm itching.

22:54

I

22:55

don't know why it must have been some

22:58

right fact. No, I am itching. I'm

23:01

sure it'll clear up. No, I am itching.

23:05

Yes. And I shouldn't because it's only gonna make it worse. I

23:07

am itching. That's

23:10

all I got. I am itching to get

23:14

started now on health again. Oh, that's... So

23:16

I'm getting back into training tomorrow

23:19

morning and I think the body starts

23:21

to crave it, does it not? It does. Me

23:24

too. Yeah, so the serious answer to your question

23:26

is I'm banging

23:29

to meditation. Meditate twice a day. Oh,

23:31

come on. Talk about this. Talk about this. Come

23:33

on. Love Transcendental. Do

23:36

a bit of TM. I do TM. It's

23:38

not exactly TM. So I didn't really

23:40

sign up for the TM thing. But I do mantra meditation,

23:42

which is essentially what TM is. Well, it's BM,

23:45

isn't it? It's BM. Ben Miller.

23:47

Yeah. You're doing Ben Miller meditation.

23:50

You have a mantra. I have a mantra. Yeah. 20

23:52

minutes twice a day. 20 minutes twice a day. How long

23:54

does it take you in that first 20 minutes for

23:57

things to calm down? Really varies.

23:59

never calms down, sometimes it's calm immediately.

24:02

It's a bit like, yeah, I mean

24:05

it's the mental, it

24:07

is the mental equivalent of reaching down to empty the

24:09

bin actually in the morning. And it's just like taking all

24:12

the, you know, whatever's in your head

24:14

at the moment and it will come up. The

24:16

point is I think not to, you

24:19

know, the idea I think certainly behind TM is

24:21

that if you just let your mind do

24:23

whatever your mind wants to do then it will sort itself

24:25

out. That's basically the sort of idea. So it's the opposite

24:27

of mindfulness where you're focusing on something.

24:30

You're really, you're sort of repeating a mantra

24:32

just to sort of let your mind go.

24:34

And then I do a bit of, and then

24:37

I do a bit of some floor exercises.

24:39

What

24:40

form do they take? They take the,

24:42

have you heard of the five Tibetans? I do the

24:44

five Tibetans. They come round every day?

24:46

Five Tibetans come round. Oh, they are again. Tell them

24:49

to wait in the kitchen. I'll be a minute. Hi

24:51

guys. Tell

24:54

the Dali just to stay there for a moment. We

24:56

go, I do the five Tibetans. It's like, it's

24:59

yoga. It's an old, you know, it's

25:01

yoga basically. It's like five different yoga

25:03

moves, but it's quite dynamic. I

25:06

doubt it for a second. I, you know, I

25:09

really, really enjoy that. I mean, would that we had the floor

25:11

space, but paint a picture, you're

25:13

a writer, paint a picture of Ben Miller.

25:16

So some of it looks quite like yoga. The one

25:18

that looks the least like yoga is the spinning

25:20

around. So you spin

25:22

around. Your first move is to spin around.

25:25

You know we used to do this, don't you? Bruce.

25:31

Yes.

25:32

Did he really? Yeah.

25:33

Yeah. Forsythe, not Springsteen. Is that what

25:35

he used to do? Bruce Springsteen,

25:37

Forsythe. When he, when he married

25:40

Winnie, Will Nelia, Winnie, he

25:43

told this story. He said, my mother-in-law, because

25:45

I was, I was considerably older

25:47

that I'm doing Bruce Forsythe.

25:50

I was considerably older than Winnie and

25:53

her mother gave me a book of exercise.

25:56

Now I don't know if it was five Tibetan chaps,

25:59

but one of them was spinning

26:01

around and what are the others then? I've

26:07

got a Bruce, I mean Bruce Forsyth by

26:09

the way we have to talk about in a minute. So

26:12

yeah there's that one there's the J so

26:15

you're lying on your back you raise your legs in the air

26:17

form a J then you've got one where you. Legs

26:21

wide open are the legs wide open? No

26:24

no. How are you getting a J? You

26:27

know so there's the

26:29

bottom part of the day is your head and your neck and then you've

26:31

got your sort of upper back. Oh and then the legs

26:34

go up? How long do you hold that

26:36

for? Well the Tibetans you do them each one you

26:38

do 21 times so you spin 21 times you do the J 21

26:40

times. So up is one back

26:43

and down. No that's one yeah up down

26:45

is one yeah up down yeah the

26:48

down bit's the up bit. The up bit? Because

26:50

you've got to control it you can't just let it go up. The down bit

26:52

yeah that's not easy. And

26:55

then you go yeah and

26:57

then there's one where you just

27:00

sort of what

27:02

would you say you sort of arch your back and

27:04

open your chest and then you bow

27:07

your head that's another one that's the second one you do. In

27:09

the third one you sort of sit on the ground you

27:12

push you make your body into

27:14

a table shape so you know you sort

27:16

of push a torso and your thighs

27:19

up to make sure that it's flat and you lie your

27:21

head back and then you've got your arms

27:24

flat on the ground and your lower legs flat

27:26

on the ground so you make a kind of I don't

27:28

know what letter that is. Are you on all fours? And

27:30

then are you on all fours? Kind of but

27:32

you're sort of facing so you sit you're sitting

27:35

like this with your legs out and then you push yourself up

27:37

so that you form an arch. That's

27:41

I think the fourth Tibetan and the fifth

27:43

Tibetan looks very much like yoga so that's that's kind

27:45

of the downward dog. And the fifth Tibetan looks very much like the third

27:47

Tibetan. So

27:50

you go from you know downward dog

27:52

to whatever the other one is upward facing dog.

27:54

So did you do that today this morning? I did that this morning.

27:57

Yeah. Even though you presumably stay if you're on Chris's show

27:59

you must stay. hotel last night. I had to get up early to do

28:01

that. Yeah, yeah. So even though you're in a hotel,

28:04

not the usual routine, you still have the discipline

28:06

to do it. All the obsessiveness

28:09

to do it. Yeah, I mean the, yeah,

28:12

the, that's the good thing about the Tibetans,

28:14

you can kind of do them anyway. It's just your own, you know, it's

28:16

just your own body weight and you don't need to bring some traps.

28:18

And you also did 20 minutes of meditation this

28:20

morning. 20 minutes of meditation. So what time, what

28:23

time was this, presumably they would

28:25

send a car for you to take you to Chris? What

28:27

time was the car getting to the hotel? Car getting to the hotel, very

28:29

reasonable time of 8.30. So

28:32

you work backwards, so you set your alarm for

28:35

seven o'clock and you know that within that then you will

28:37

have the time. How long after

28:39

waking up are you doing this? Immediately,

28:41

yeah. Immediately you wake up. Yeah, yeah.

28:43

When you immediately wake up, you meditate and

28:46

then you do the exercise. That's a sleepy meditation

28:48

then, because I've done that and I quite like it, but

28:50

I sometimes wonder is it cheating because I'm

28:52

already in a pretty relaxed state. Yeah.

28:55

And funnily enough of the two,

28:57

you know, the idea of meditation twice a day, the

28:59

first one when you wake up is the one that

29:01

people often think, well, what's the point? You know, I'm not going to sleep.

29:04

But actually that's

29:06

probably the more beneficial for the two. Yeah,

29:09

it's really, I think. It kind of dictates

29:11

your approach to the day that it always sets the tone

29:13

for the day. It's an easy win, isn't it? That's

29:15

what I'm saying. You know, it's a win, you know, so you've kind

29:18

of meditated, you've exercised.

29:20

Yeah. Have you consumed anything at this point?

29:22

No. Do those two things both

29:24

before you've eaten anything. Yeah. Wow.

29:28

I don't know about you, Rob. I didn't always eat breakfast now.

29:30

I mean, this is, I mean. I'm drifting away

29:32

from it because I've become aware of, you've

29:34

talked about TM and we talked about

29:37

BM. I've talked, I'm thinking of,

29:39

oh no, it's not that, it's not M, is it? I'm

29:42

thinking of IF. IF. What am I talking

29:44

about? IF. Intermittent fasting.

29:46

Intermittent fasting. Is that what you do? In

29:48

a very, you know, I'm tip-towing, as I

29:50

do with so many things, tip-towing are

29:52

in the shallows of it. I've put back the fear.

29:55

This is the trouble. You see, we come across so many people with these

29:57

crazy diets and some weird

29:59

exercises. Very hard to make. But you sound quite

30:01

committed if you're doing this stuff. I'll sometimes go

30:03

without breakfast and wait

30:06

until lunch. I

30:08

was in a hotel this morning as well, but I've

30:10

been in Manchester. But I would never have had... What

30:12

were you doing in Manchester? I was performing

30:15

on a popular television panel show

30:17

last night, till very late. So quite late?

30:20

Quite late? Yeah, it was. It was

30:22

very late. I was a zonked. And don't forget the

30:24

bad back. And you probably did more than one show. I did two episodes.

30:26

Yeah. So, you know, I mean, it was backbreaking

30:29

work. Backbreaking. Absolutely backbreaking.

30:31

And you sometimes hear miners complaining, and I think, come

30:34

on, chaps. Yeah. You know, you're

30:36

not having to think of witticisms, are

30:37

you? Well, hey? Hey? Bruce

30:40

Forsyth, by the way. Where? Well,

30:42

you know, we were talking about Bruce, and maybe he

30:44

did the Tibetan... So

30:46

I did a... You know the wallpaper

30:49

sketch?

30:49

Oh, yeah. So you had this show.

30:51

Yes. So this is one of the... I mean,

30:54

for anybody who loves that comedy, this is famous, famous. Saturday

30:57

night at the Palladium, there was a strike. They

30:59

had to think of sketches they could do to fill

31:01

the time. And Bruce Forsyth and

31:03

Norman Wisdom did a very, very famous

31:05

wallpaper-paste sketch where they get benches

31:07

out, they get rolls of wallpaper. They're trying to put

31:09

the wallpaper up on the walls. And, you

31:12

know, it goes everywhere. Hilarious consequences. Norman

31:14

Wisdom is absolutely amazing. So

31:16

I, for Bruce, Bruce had a show... Yeah, a

31:18

TV show, didn't he? Yeah. Where he'd bring

31:20

in younger, modern guys and do something like that. Yeah. And

31:22

I did that sketch with him. And I

31:25

did the Norman Wisdom part. Obviously, we were rehearsing

31:27

for a week. So I spent an entire

31:29

week in a rehearsal room with

31:32

Bruce. And, funnily enough, you're talking about wellness.

31:34

That was one of my questions for him. Because,

31:37

I

31:38

mean, how

31:40

long was his career and how active was his

31:42

career all that time? And I think that was one of the things I wanted

31:44

to ask him. I say, what is it, Bruce? What

31:47

is it that you're doing? He didn't tell me about the Tibetans. But what

31:49

he did tell me was that he always

31:53

skipped the UK in

31:55

the winter. Oh, yes. He always

31:57

avoided the winter. He says, I don't want to get Puerto

31:59

Rican. go when he was from Costa Rica or something

32:01

like that. So that's where they would go. And he would

32:03

go, and he would, you know, as soon as

32:06

the weather was getting, you know, turning slightly

32:08

ugly, you know, he would... Well, that's what

32:10

I tell people in Britain, I say, if they're

32:12

complaining about ill health. Well,

32:14

why don't they winter in Costa

32:17

Rica or... I mean, it's an

32:19

option. I mean, it's an option. I mean, I'm surprised more

32:21

people don't think of it then. What's the matter

32:24

with them? The other thing that Bruce used to say was, you

32:27

see the... I mean, to the voice. Well,

32:29

you can do his voice, that's allowed. You see,

32:31

our people was hunched over. So

32:34

he was... he made a big point of being very

32:36

erect as he walked straight, smiling,

32:38

wonderful posture. Yeah. He had a bit of a dance.

32:41

He could dance. And you

32:43

notice when you meet dancers, because I had Anton

32:45

do back on this the other day, and his

32:48

posture was wonderful as he sat there

32:50

across... Not like you, not all hunched. That's

32:53

terrible, isn't it? But this isn't helping. Or

32:55

maybe Anton would take this in his stride. Really?

32:57

Yeah. He would have a ramrod-back

32:59

Anton if he was sat here.

33:02

Yeah, yeah. He'd probably sit up off the cushion.

33:04

I mean, can we do it? Can we try to be a bit

33:07

more like this? I haven't got the lower back string. This

33:09

is probably helping. I'm basically

33:11

liquid as a human being. I'm going to take the

33:13

shape of whatever you put me

33:15

into. Well, let me say something else. You've got

33:18

three Ps. Someone said to me

33:20

that September is very much like... a

33:22

bit like New Year. It's almost better than New

33:24

Year in terms of resolutions,

33:27

because you come to the end of the summer, I feel

33:29

it. Yeah. My fresh start now. Summer's

33:31

gone, you know, and we're sad it's gone. Of course we

33:33

are. But now off we go. Yeah.

33:36

Three Ps,

33:37

piano.

33:38

I'm determined to learn to play the

33:40

piano. Oh, good for you. Because I read a piece the

33:42

other day about the benefits... Yeah.

33:45

...for people of our age to learn something

33:47

totally new. Have

33:49

you got a piano now? No. No. Yes, I have,

33:51

yes. I couldn't resist. LAUGHTER

33:54

Piano? OK,

33:55

that's one. Pilates.

33:58

Pilates. You've got to do Pilates.

34:00

Only today on the train back

34:02

from Manchester I've texted a

34:05

Pilates teacher. I am

34:07

full of admiration. I cannot believe

34:09

you've gone for this. Dynamic, isn't it?

34:12

I got my phone down. No,

34:15

I'll tell you what, it wasn't straightforward. I had to

34:17

text a one friend who had mentioned

34:19

her. What's their number? I said, have

34:22

you got the details of the Pilates woman? I said

34:24

yes, do you want them? One of them you'll find us with a

34:26

lot of these sports. They're quite challenging.

34:29

I mean, simply getting the number of the

34:31

person that you need to call

34:33

to begin the course of instructions. Absolutely

34:36

exhausting. But I feel I've taken that very

34:38

difficult first step. As

34:40

we speak, I've heard nothing from her. Now

34:43

is that a positive? Because she's so relaxed

34:45

because of her Pilates. She takes time.

34:48

Or is that a red rag? Or is that a red alarm? She

34:50

overdid it this morning. She's just got a...

34:52

She's like... She's laying... ... prude

34:56

on the carpet. Maybe she's

34:58

had a bit of a mishap. Maybe she's had a little bit of

35:00

a rhythm. And she's desperately trying to reach out to the phone and

35:02

she can't get to it. One of the straps broke. She's trapped in her reformer.

35:05

She pulled the tendons. She didn't mean to turn... Fingers

35:08

just stretching there, trying to get to the phone. Three

35:11

P's. Piano Pilates. And there was

35:13

something else. I can't think what it was. But

35:16

those are sort of my resolutions

35:19

now for going into the... Oh, hang

35:21

on. I think I've lost a P. So, piano Pilates.

35:24

What would be the other one? Oh, you can't remember. But

35:26

they were three P's.

35:28

Popular. Try and be popular. Try and be popular. Are

35:31

you going to set yourself any resolutions

35:33

this September? I don't know. I've ever had this conversation

35:35

with anyone. What are your resolutions for this September

35:37

alarm? I just said to you, piano

35:40

Pilates. I don't think you're actually going to

35:42

do those. I can't tell you that. And then your response

35:44

is, are you going to have any resolutions? Well, because I'm

35:46

assuming that that's just absolutely piffle

35:48

and... No, no, no. No, you are actually going to do this.

35:51

Jimmy, I want to do it.

35:53

Oh, you should learn the piano. I mean, that would be brilliant. We've

35:55

got a lovely piano in the house. Yeah, that would be brilliant.

35:58

Especially with the... Yeah.

36:01

But I mean I... Yeah.

36:04

Well let's... Let's say point out the elephant in the

36:06

room but you started singing recently. I

36:08

mean you're quite seriously performing. Want to talk about

36:10

my tour? Good

36:13

Lord. We're going back out next February March.

36:15

I mean... That's me. Just

36:18

Google Rob Brydon Band. But I mean we're not here to talk

36:20

about that. With the band I have. Well I heard you're in

36:22

fine voice at Carvett. Oh yes of course.

36:25

Singing there. We're not here to talk about me. Singing.

36:32

Here's

36:35

a book. And Miller.

36:37

Once Upon a Legend.

36:39

You have now written several

36:42

of these, I have to say rather popular

36:45

children's books. Feendishly popular.

36:47

They're all listed in this cover. Yes. Talk

36:49

us through them. First of all let me talk you through the cover. Which

36:51

I think is really rather... I have some covers. It's a lovely cover. It's quite

36:54

a thing to get a cover. It's like trying to...

36:57

You know the imagination. You

36:59

know when you... Certainly when I was at school

37:01

I was always imagining what my album cover. Yeah.

37:04

I was thinking about the book. How do you

37:06

tell the story? How do you sort of tell the

37:09

story in a cover? So I don't know whether

37:11

the viewers can see this. We've got three

37:13

children here. So there's a magical sort of staff

37:16

up here with this beautiful glowing emerald

37:18

orb. Is it an orb? It's not an orb isn't

37:20

it? But here, see these rocks Rob. Do you know

37:22

what? Have you spotted one of those?

37:24

Can I look at... Oh wait a minute. Have a closer

37:27

look. Well I know. I

37:29

know that this book... I won't pretend

37:32

that I've read it cover to cover Ben. I've

37:34

got too much love and respect for you than

37:37

to do that. But I've certainly

37:39

read the press release. Excellent. And I'm

37:42

thinking that's probably the hand of a giant. It's

37:44

actually... It's a good guess. Oh. Not

37:47

right. I'm going to give you half a point. It's

37:50

the face of a giant. Look there's the giant's eyes here.

37:53

There's a rocky... Let me see. Outcrop

37:55

here. Look at those two. There's two big teeth there. So you have

37:57

a way in the nose.

37:59

The title

38:02

is a play on words once upon a legend.

38:04

They are upon a legend. And

38:06

the legend

38:06

is this fantastic legend

38:09

that the British Isles, this

38:11

is absolutely true, used to be inhabited

38:13

by giants.

38:17

When the very first settlers of

38:19

the British Isles arrived,

38:22

they found a country populated by

38:24

giants. They had to fight the giants in

38:27

order to be able to... Well,

38:30

I think this is what Ben says is

38:32

true. And I think that in leaving the

38:35

European Union, I think we've never

38:37

been better placed to reclaim

38:40

these giants. And

38:42

I'm pretty confident that... It's

38:45

not a metaphor for Brexit. It's a real, it's

38:47

a real, real legend. It's a genuine

38:49

legend, Rob. It's a...

38:51

delays at borders. Piffle. Giants

38:54

will be returning to the sunlit Athens

38:57

of a post-Brexit Britain because

39:00

we've taken back control. So

39:02

it's an allegory then for Brexit. Well,

39:05

it's not an allegory for Brexit. Well, I'll tell you what it is though,

39:07

is it is an allegory for

39:09

something. So there's the boy in the story. I really

39:11

like to have a story that

39:15

kids can really

39:17

tune into emotionally. So this story

39:19

is about a troubled boy. He's quite troubled because

39:21

his parents are divorced. His

39:24

mum's about to remarry a stepfather

39:26

he really doesn't like called Colin. Colin's really

39:29

into sort of antique planes and

39:31

works at the local air museum. He really doesn't like

39:33

him. He's a bit of a plane spotter. And

39:36

this

39:37

character Marcus is misbehaving at school.

39:39

He's acting up at school and he gets given a

39:41

week to turn his life around. He's sent to this special school,

39:44

Merlin's, with this mysterious mound

39:47

in its grounds and this weird

39:50

set of teachers. And you cause you to misbehave

39:52

that whatever you do, you throw paint around, you have a food

39:54

fight. They just encourage you to do more of it because they want

39:56

you to express your feelings.

39:59

Anyway, Marcus.

40:00

can't stand this, goes up onto the man, steals

40:03

Merlin's staff, goes up onto the mound

40:05

in the middle of the night and shouts, wake up, wake

40:08

up wanting to wake up the entire school

40:10

and get expelled, but of course he wakes

40:12

up a sleeping giant, not only one sleeping

40:14

giant, but all the horde

40:17

of giants that Merlin put to

40:19

sleep back in,

40:21

the

40:24

historian in me is gonna say the olden

40:26

day, yes, yes, yes, and these giants

40:28

all wake up, they're furious, what have the humans

40:30

done to our beautiful country, we're gonna go

40:32

to London and we're gonna flatten

40:35

houses of Parliament, flatten Downing Street and

40:38

Marcus has to team up with

40:40

his stepfather Colin and the two

40:42

of them

40:43

hop in a biplane that Colin's been restoring

40:46

and of course they try and thwart the

40:48

giant's

40:49

march. Do they come together? And they

40:51

come together and as well as saving

40:53

the country, the beef is dissolved, the family

40:55

gets mended. So in a way

40:58

the giants wanting to go and squash

41:01

London, that's Brussels isn't it I suppose, is

41:04

that what you were trying to say? Not a metaphor for Brexit, I mean

41:06

I can't stress that clearly enough,

41:09

yeah, in no way a metaphor.

41:11

So it's One Got Upon a Legend by Ben

41:14

Miller, Brexit from the inside, an

41:17

insider's story, because

41:19

of course you worked in Brussels didn't you for

41:22

some time rather controversially. Another

41:25

metaphor for Brexit. I want

41:30

to ask you the basic question, where does

41:32

that come from? Does it come

41:34

to you one day or do you go okay I'm

41:37

gonna do another book, what's that going to be

41:39

about? I mean because that sounds

41:41

all nonsense aside now,

41:43

that sounds really lovely. The truth is I read

41:50

such a lot when I was a kid and I had parents who were English

41:53

teachers and

41:54

then because I did science I never really read

41:57

that much after that right so

41:59

I didn't kind of

41:59

I didn't have what a lot of art students

42:02

do where they sort of read an awful lot of

42:04

The Cannon. I haven't really done

42:06

that. So I'm completely unfettered

42:09

and still really connected with the books

42:11

that I read as a kid.

42:13

So I guess I'm just writing another book that I would have liked

42:15

to have read when I was a kid. But on a more practical

42:18

level, I live in the West Country.

42:20

There are these really mysterious

42:23

mounds, very near us in Wiltshire, there's

42:25

a mound called Silvery Mound and

42:28

another one in Pusy called

42:30

The Giant's Grave. And I thought that was

42:32

a brilliant, I loved that.

42:34

And

42:35

I started reading up about all these legends.

42:38

And as you're reading that, is there a little thing going,

42:41

it could be my next book? Well, yeah,

42:45

but there's a feeling,

42:47

oh, that I love writing stories,

42:49

I love writing magical adventure stories. So

42:51

anything that is in the real world and

42:53

seems quite magical, like a mound seems

42:56

like an ancient prehistoric mound, nobody

42:58

really knows. It's the case even with,

43:01

it's the case with all these Neolithic

43:03

mounds. We don't really know, they're 3,000 years old, nobody

43:06

really knows why they were built. Can you

43:08

imagine? I mean, these are very

43:11

small, they've

43:13

only just stopped being hunter-gatherer

43:15

societies, they're only just beginning to

43:18

grow crops and they're building

43:20

these enormous megalithic

43:23

structures. It's incredible. So we don't

43:25

really know much about

43:27

them. They're very mysterious things anyway. I

43:30

mean, look at the O2. The O2 is

43:33

a, where did it come from? Nobody knows. We

43:37

do know with that, but I'm just saying it's

43:39

also a big structure.

43:40

It has been there for thousands of years

43:43

and nobody knows who built it. Yeah,

43:45

yeah, yeah. Folly.

43:46

Folly.

43:48

Folly foot. Possibly built. You

43:51

can't even, the mine boggles. What

43:53

can I possibly, how do you start with

43:56

something like this? Do you

43:58

have to map the whole story out? First

44:00

of all and then sort of color it in or

44:02

do you literally sit down? I'm imagining you've got one of

44:04

these modern laptop computers and

44:07

you'd sit there and you just and

44:09

so the book begins, right? Let's see. Let's

44:11

see. Let's see the book begins chapter

44:13

one Got my plumbing glasses

44:16

on did Did

44:18

you hear any of what I just

44:21

said? He's murdering it. Come on. Come on. Come on Right.

44:23

Hang on. Did you hear any of what I just

44:26

said? Marcus was

44:28

in the headmaster's office again. I'm

44:30

doing Ian McKellen. I'll

44:32

do this Alan Bennett Did

44:35

you hear any of what I just said? Marcus

44:39

was in the headmaster's office again seated

44:42

between his mum and dad bold

44:45

expression on his face

44:47

Well, any goes on now.

44:49

So do you sit

44:50

down and just start or

44:53

have you already plotted out? It

44:55

begins like this it goes to here it ends like

44:57

this It's different.

44:59

You don't have to thank me for reading it as Alan Bennett

45:01

if you don't I won't thank you for that I was looking at

45:03

the what I would I did it. There's

45:05

a great gag at the beginning of this I

45:07

stopped I can't see Can

45:10

I read can I read you the beginning and now Ben

45:12

Miller reads this week's book at bedtime

45:14

as Ben Miller chapter one It's from

45:17

his new book once upon a legend

45:19

Did you hear any of what I just said? Marcus

45:22

was in the headmaster's office again seated between

45:24

his mum and dad a board expression on

45:26

his face Well said mr. Strickland

45:28

impatiently glaring at Marcus through his little round

45:30

glasses. I'm waiting Marcus

45:33

said his mum putting a hand on Marcus's own headmasters

45:36

asking whether there might be a reason you keep misbehaving

45:38

Something you you know, you'd like to tell us something

45:40

you're upset about perhaps Marcus scowled.

45:43

I'm fine He said you see so

45:46

dad master throwing up his hands in exasperation

45:48

This is the whole problem right here. The boy must

45:50

know he's in serious trouble But

45:52

look at him He just sits there not a care

45:54

in the world like he's waiting for a film to

45:56

start demerits to tensions It's all

45:58

just water off a duck's back. I'm sorry we've

46:00

reached the end of the road. I'm recommending

46:02

to the governors that Marcus is suspended. Oh,

46:05

come on! said Marcus' dad with a snort.

46:08

Joke approaching. Is that really necessary?

46:11

All he did was move the shallow end sign. It was

46:13

a joke, wasn't it, Marcus? Just a bit of harmless fun.

46:15

Not for Mr. Figgis, it wasn't. He lost two front

46:17

teeth.

46:18

Demonstrating a racing dive.

46:20

Well, I mean. I

46:23

mean. And I like the way you pushed some

46:25

imaginary glasses up in those there as well.

46:28

That's right. But in all seriousness, it

46:31

depends what you're starting with. You've got the mound and you

46:33

think, oh, it must be a giant. And then you might, with

46:36

this one, yeah, I was thinking, what

46:38

would that story be? Other times

46:40

you just start like the last book I

46:42

wrote before this. All I had was an image of

46:45

a girl in bed and there

46:47

was a... Alright, steady. Yeah. It didn't make

46:49

it into the book. She had a golden

46:51

thread. Yeah, alright, alright. Wrapped around

46:54

her finger. Yeah, never mind about her finger. And

46:56

she could feel a tug. Yeah, Ben,

46:59

please. On the end of this golden thread.

47:01

If you want to become Britain's premier children's author,

47:04

you've got to tone it down, my friend. And,

47:07

you know, she wakes up and she has this golden

47:09

thread tied to her fingers. You've got to find what's on the end of the golden

47:11

thread. And I didn't know what was on the end of the golden

47:13

thread, so I had to write the story to find out. So it depends

47:16

entirely. I mean, you must have written songs. You've

47:18

written, you know, we write a lot of jokes.

47:21

You don't know where the jokes start. You don't

47:23

sometimes start. You might start with just a,

47:25

oh, I think there's something in the story. There's a thing I was doing

47:28

when I wrote, I sort of wrote a memoir, an

47:30

autobiography. And the great thing about that was I

47:33

knew, well, it's all happened, and

47:35

I knew when it was going to end. It was going to end at

47:37

a certain year. Yeah. So I had

47:39

that lovely structure, which is... To leave room for a

47:41

second autobiography. Yeah, but I'm not so interested

47:43

in that. It's much better writing about

47:45

your childhood, because you've already kind of mythologized

47:48

it. It's already a story, isn't it? And

47:50

it's funny. Yeah, and it's the

47:52

struggle and everything. And, you know,

47:54

if I were to talk about my life now of Pilates

47:57

and pianos and, you know,

47:59

privilege. That's the other P. Privilege.

48:02

I mean who's gonna want to read that? But

48:06

yeah, would you read it beautifully? No surprise.

48:08

Do you do the audio version? I do I do

48:11

the audio version I read with

48:13

this one particularly as every because

48:15

I was Because I'd

48:17

kind of had a plan for the story I was writing

48:20

each chapter and it was almost like

48:22

the finished version of the chapter as I was going so

48:24

I was reading to My kids as

48:26

I was you know as I was using them as

48:28

a saying it yeah He was the standing board seeing

48:31

what they liked what they didn't like little sort of free

48:33

focus group And having children

48:35

at this stage of my daughter's eight my son's 11. That's

48:37

kind of perfect So who's the same that then with

48:40

what age and sort of seven seven

48:42

to a hundred and seven? So it's

48:44

sort of yes seven and up basically I'd

48:47

say you could probably get the gist of it if

48:49

you were six if somebody read it to you What

48:51

do your publishers tell you about children

48:54

and their reading habits in the age

48:56

of? talk talk and deliberate

48:59

mistake and Short attention spans

49:02

it they're getting more and more key

49:04

numbers. This is really strange thing Yeah, children

49:07

are reading more and more yeah from lockdown.

49:09

Who's told you that it's a fact The

49:12

children's books of the there's been a boom in

49:14

the cells of children. Yeah,

49:16

probably I can't get my boys to It's

49:18

not what you would think I know but but Lockdown

49:22

apparently has been a big influence on

49:25

everyone's reading habits I'm gonna get George to

49:27

read you were saying before was George to all these 12,

49:29

but I George could read I think you'd like to get reason

49:32

yeah, yeah, I've had me captivated. I'm 58. Yeah Well,

49:35

you know that's the thing you don't try and find a story

49:37

that the parents are into to you want to find a story

49:40

that? Everybody that's true when you're

49:42

reading to a child. I've

49:44

done lots of these Julie Donaldson Animations,

49:47

I mean, I'm the only performer to feature in every one of them. That's

49:50

my goodbye and I've

49:53

read those to various children Over

49:55

the years, they're brilliant and they

49:57

read so beautifully so clever

50:00

roll down, read so

50:02

beautifully and

50:04

as you experience that you sort of think, oh yeah

50:07

this must be part of the reason why

50:09

this, and then you'll get another book and

50:12

as you're reading it out to your children,

50:15

I just feel clunky. Why does

50:17

the authors read them out loud? I think that's

50:19

the problem and I think one of the

50:21

things that I guess helps

50:24

having been an actor is you know. Not

50:26

having been an actor Ben, please don't. Being an actor.

50:29

Please don't put it in the past tense. I mean

50:31

I've seen some of the recent performances but please

50:34

let's think of it as a living, I don't want to upset

50:37

people. Yeah I mean you know

50:39

it's wanting it to sound

50:42

right when it's read out loud as well

50:44

and I think being more focused on how it reads

50:46

rather than how it looks is a good thing. Ah that's

50:49

an interesting distinction. How

50:51

long would it take you to do the audiobook of

50:53

that? It takes a day. One day. One

50:56

day yeah. Yeah. I mean

50:58

and

50:59

that's with me knowing, it's

51:02

surprising how often I'm doing the audiobook and I

51:04

haven't really thought it through of what the different

51:06

characters sound like and therefore it takes

51:08

me a little bit longer. But

51:11

I tell you what gives you huge respect for anybody who

51:13

ever reads novels because it's really hard, it's really

51:15

hard reading a whole book. But also when they read

51:18

those books that they you know, these are 30,000 words

51:20

long, read a

51:22

sort of 90,000 word novel. I

51:25

was with Katherine Parkinson last night in

51:28

Manchester and she was telling

51:30

me that she's currently in the middle of doing

51:33

an audiobook, you know

51:36

for work, for a job and she

51:38

was saying two points, number one my

51:40

god it's long, it takes a lot. And

51:43

then remembering the different voices for the

51:45

different characters and the different accents

51:47

and she was telling me what she

51:49

considers to be the strong thing she can do

51:51

and then there's a few others that she's oh I don't

51:54

know. Because you've got to know if it's an accent

51:56

you've got to know the rules of the vowels

51:58

and you know. What have you very

52:01

easy to forget them? Yeah? Yeah, and I and

52:03

I don't know but I've got like about Two

52:06

and a half characters that I sort of recycle

52:09

between different Okay, so what are they give

52:11

us an example of those well? This is kind

52:13

of this is sort of quite a macho kind

52:15

of character. Yes, or a macho guy

52:18

Yeah, you know sort of very

52:20

wrapped up in sort of blokey kind of things and

52:22

it's sort of bit of an outward bound So the guy and

52:25

then I've got a sort of you know a bit of like a sort of

52:27

Alan Bennett kind of guy Yeah, a little bit

52:29

a little bit right a little bit sort of on the outside

52:31

of life sort of looking in And

52:33

then and then I've got virtually

52:36

nothing else. I mean I can kind of like

52:38

cobble together something to Quite

52:42

that's quite I've got to that's not gonna

52:45

have got a kind of sort of an emotionally present

52:48

You know like in a sort of emotionally present

52:50

character, you know, it's like

52:52

But how are you Rob that that kind of thing?

52:54

Yeah, so I can do which is comes in handy in drama So

52:58

yeah, I mean I kind of and I

53:00

just kind of And

53:03

I get I would get completely if I was doing like

53:05

ten voices in a you

53:08

know, really in a proper novel

53:11

Not that children's books

53:13

aren't proper books, but you know what I mean. I know

53:15

I know how did it come about then? How did this

53:18

I just remember noticing one day? Oh Ben

53:20

Ben Ben is writing children's books But

53:22

I don't remember when that was and I don't know

53:24

the story of how it came to be it came to

53:26

be Because my my oldest

53:29

son

53:30

Jackson Told me

53:32

that he wasn't sure he believed

53:34

in Christmas anymore. And I and

53:37

I just I Couldn't

53:39

most fathers would say go to your room But

53:42

you decided and I thought I'm gonna write a

53:44

story that proves that kind of well

53:47

That will make him believe in Christmas I wrote this

53:49

this true story of how father Christmas became

53:52

father Christmas. I read it to him that Christmas It's

53:54

quite short. I was only about you know, it's only about 15,000

53:56

words long and then I was having

53:59

a rather

53:59

You'd written the whole 15,000 words for your

54:02

boy. Yeah, exactly. Quite a guy. And then

54:04

I read it to him at Christmas for

54:06

a couple of years. And then I was

54:09

kind of quite inspired by Tolkien, who did the same

54:11

thing for his kids. He wrote them in like a Christmas story. And I loved

54:14

that Tolkien Christmas story. And I thought, I'd love to do something

54:16

like that. And I wrote

54:18

this story for him. And then I was, of

54:21

course, you know, I was writing

54:23

some science books. And I was very interested in science. I'd written

54:25

some popular science books. And I was at a festival.

54:28

Were they popular though?

54:29

Not really. No, I mean, popular science. That was

54:31

the genre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the genre. The

54:33

books weren't popular.

54:35

Actually, I think the first one was in top 10,

54:38

but then I was teasing you. I would

54:40

bet they're wildly popular. They were wildly

54:42

popular. Now, come on, back on to discovering a new income

54:44

stream. Back

54:47

to discovering a new income stream. And then just, and

54:49

I was at a book festival talking about one of my

54:51

science books. Yes. Got chatting to a fantastic

54:54

agent, who's my agent now, Luigi Bonhomie. And

54:57

he said, have you ever

54:59

thought about writing anything else, any

55:01

fiction? And I sent him the

55:04

short story that I'd written for Jackson.

55:06

And then he helped me work it up into

55:09

a book. He said, I didn't, nobody said,

55:11

you can't, nobody prints 15,000 words. But

55:13

it's going to be 30,000 words. So you've got to

55:16

figure out another half of this story.

55:18

And once I'd sort of done that, then things

55:20

started to roll. And then that book, when it came out,

55:23

completely took me by surprise. And

55:25

was just a huge, huge success.

55:29

And I think

55:30

if it hadn't been, I don't know that I would

55:32

have carried on. Because it's hard. You know, writing

55:34

books is hard. You put a lot of time into it. And if they don't

55:37

find readers, you quickly

55:39

get disheartened. Or I do. What

55:41

about the element of

55:45

not staying in your lane? Yes. You

55:47

know, now. Yeah, yeah. You

55:49

know, your chumzander. Oh,

55:52

he's singing all of a sudden now. Somebody's

55:55

writing a book. Have you encountered

55:58

cynicism or?

56:01

derision because well that's not what he does

56:03

what's he doing

56:04

yes I have but the thing is

56:06

the thing I'm very blessed

56:08

in having you know I don't know if I could write

56:11

any other kind of book other than

56:12

the children's books that I've been writing

56:15

but one of the things about that world

56:18

is there's no reviews there's no reviews

56:20

for children's books children don't read reviews

56:23

and so there aren't any other published so so

56:26

you're basically if

56:28

children like your book and they buy

56:30

your book then you get to write more children

56:33

so it's a brilliant world from that point

56:35

of view and you go to the schools and you meet the kids and it's

56:37

amazing because they're amazing their imaginations

56:40

they're enthusiastic for life such a fantastic

56:42

anecdote to all the sort of

56:44

you know grown-up cynicism yeah

56:46

and it's a completely

56:48

magical captivating world

56:50

so I think with those two things seeing

56:53

how much the kids were enjoying the books secondly no

56:55

reviews which to begin with I was like

56:57

how come nobody's reviewed my book and then after a while I've come

56:59

to really appreciate that this is great

57:01

so I don't

57:04

have to then face a sort of wall

57:06

of disaprogram after I've you

57:09

know had the temerity to publish a

57:11

story you know you know that kind of

57:13

thing you get where sort of people are sort of angry with

57:15

you that you've done something you know I didn't have any of that

57:17

yeah and to begin with I sort of missed it and then

57:20

after I thought actually this is brilliant so I don't have to worry

57:22

about reviews either it's just whether I

57:24

can tell a story that kids want what I said

57:26

they don't know anything about me this is the

57:28

other nice

57:28

thing is kids of seven

57:31

years old Armstrong and Miller or definitely

57:33

nothing to them whatsoever all they

57:36

know is that their friends said they thought that

57:38

was a good book and they will and they will get it or they're

57:40

so said that I really really love

57:42

as well and I think in terms of not

57:45

staying in your lane I mean it is kind

57:47

of you know it is our lane

57:49

in a way in that we are you

57:51

know I think

57:52

something about

57:54

you know you when you do comedy you're

57:57

hopefully writing comedy for everyone

57:59

you know

57:59

When we were doing Armstrong and Miller, we would always think, hope

58:02

there would be some kids, you know, parents

58:05

that allowed them to stay up and watch the show. And you were

58:07

making a show for them as much as you were for

58:10

anyone else. And I think

58:12

that's been a useful training

58:15

for this, because,

58:17

you know, you perform in front

58:20

of families, you perform in front of mixed audiences

58:22

all the time, mixed in terms of age groups, mixed

58:24

in terms of their diversity. You used to

58:26

performing for a wide range of people,

58:29

and you know not to underestimate them. I think

58:31

that's the... I think there's two

58:34

mistakes it's possible to make as a children's author. One is

58:36

to write the book

58:37

that you wish children

58:39

would want to read. You know, you want to sort of show off a bit

58:41

and be a bit kind of literary, kind

58:43

of, you know, rather than thinking, what

58:46

is a kid going to be really, really interested in

58:49

reading about?

58:50

That's...

58:52

Did I say that? I'm going to be like your peas now. I've

58:54

now forgotten what the other one was. One is to...

58:56

There's two mistakes it can make as a children's

58:58

author. One is to write... I

59:00

think there's only one mistake. There's only one mistake

59:03

in there. When it's to write the book that

59:05

you think children... Write

59:07

the book that you think that they want, that they

59:09

should have, what you... you see a bit more prescriptive...

59:12

Just trying to be a bit more literary. Not to

59:14

think, oh, this is a 10-year-old, 11-year-old... What's

59:18

the second mistake you can make? I have no

59:20

idea. I'm probably making it. That's why I don't know what it

59:22

is. I like to save it on the computer. That

59:25

would be a mistake, wouldn't it? It's

59:27

definitely another mistake you can make as a children's

59:29

author. Or something wrong with the word count. Yeah.

59:32

Have you got... Is the next one already

59:35

started? The idea or is it...

59:37

You're on it already? Oh my goodness,

59:41

yeah. Because I write... I've

59:43

got this... So I do two... I've been doing

59:45

two books here. I mean, like a standalone novel and then I

59:47

do this sort of series

59:49

of... They've been diaries of a Christmas

59:51

elf, so... Oh yes, I have. I had the first one, Diary

59:54

of a Christmas Elf, Secrets of a Christmas Elf, and I've got the third

59:56

and final book in my Elf

59:58

Chronicle death trilogy. Oh,

1:00:01

a sad tale. A sad,

1:00:04

sad tale. Children up and

1:00:06

down the country in floods of tears. Why money

1:00:08

why? That's the second mistake you make, is have

1:00:11

death in the title of your children's life. Yeah,

1:00:13

and yet death in paradise. What a segue.

1:00:16

It was a great success for you. Although

1:00:18

you left it eventually, I'm told because

1:00:20

you were unpopular with the cast and crew. Discuss.

1:00:24

I

1:00:25

loved death in paradise. I mean, I really,

1:00:27

really enjoyed it. Yes, you loved it. But

1:00:29

there was that animosity. I

1:00:32

didn't really get on with anyone. I found

1:00:36

that... I really, really loved doing the

1:00:38

show. I found personally,

1:00:40

it's the only time I've

1:00:42

ever found... Mostly

1:00:45

you just feel really, really grateful that you've

1:00:48

got a job. I do anyway. I'm fine.

1:00:50

Thank God. I've got a job. Yeah, quite right.

1:00:53

And with death

1:00:55

in paradise, it's the only time I thought,

1:00:57

I can't. This is just

1:00:59

too hard. I'd just been divorced.

1:01:01

I just met somebody. She discovered

1:01:03

on the first day of filming that she was

1:01:06

pregnant. Jess, my wife, pregnant with Harrison. It's just a

1:01:08

bit too heavy now. This is a light target podcast.

1:01:10

Please don't cry. It

1:01:12

was just so hard. It was just so hard.

1:01:15

It was such a difficult situation. She found she was pregnant

1:01:17

on the first day of filming. So therefore

1:01:19

she couldn't stay because

1:01:22

in Guadalupe there's a lot of dengue

1:01:25

fever, there's Zika virus,

1:01:27

there's all kinds of things.

1:01:29

At the time where we were filming, you

1:01:32

couldn't be 100% sure you weren't going to catch them. The

1:01:34

incidences aren't that high. Was this when you started death

1:01:36

in paradise? Started,

1:01:39

very first day of filming. She discovered

1:01:41

she was pregnant. She took a pregnancy test in the

1:01:44

chemical portaloo on set

1:01:47

and discovered she was pregnant. Were

1:01:51

you planning to be there? But you were

1:01:53

planning to have children though. No, we hadn't had sex,

1:01:55

which is really strange. So to this

1:01:57

day you don't know how it happened? No, I think that's- a

1:02:00

warm cushion maybe. Yeah I mean

1:02:02

it could be. Because she just spent all that time with Zander. Or

1:02:04

something like this which isn't very absorbent. Yeah

1:02:06

yeah yeah. Because she'd been on that camping

1:02:08

holiday with Zander. Yeah I mean

1:02:10

that was such fun. I

1:02:12

was mostly on my own you know sort of hiking.

1:02:15

Yeah yeah. We all had a great

1:02:17

great time. They were always laughing. Should be rather

1:02:19

ruddy faced. Yeah yeah. Because they'd

1:02:21

been putting up the tent or taking it down. Find the sausage

1:02:23

that sort of thing. Yeah exactly. So

1:02:26

you weren't planning so it was a total surprise. It

1:02:28

was a total surprise. And you're there on your first

1:02:30

day on. Maybe not a total surprise. But yeah

1:02:32

but a surprise. And.

1:02:35

But you stayed on that show for quite a few years. Well

1:02:37

I was not there for three years. This is the thing. So

1:02:40

she's pregnant. She's got to go home. I'm

1:02:42

now in Guadalupe on my

1:02:44

own. On my own. And you're gonna go I'm gonna be a dad

1:02:46

again. I'm gonna be a dad. But you

1:02:48

know this is a really important time. You called Zander

1:02:50

to give him the news. He said I know. Yes I know.

1:02:53

He said I already know. He

1:02:55

said yeah. This is when it's due. How

1:02:58

did you work that out. And yeah. And

1:03:01

and then of course like second

1:03:03

season. Yeah. How is it now.

1:03:06

Theories. We're not Americans. Please Ben.

1:03:08

You have all people. Ten episodes. Ten episodes. Come on. If

1:03:10

you're so keen on writing a Brexit allegory

1:03:12

at least give it the at least give it the British

1:03:15

title. Second series. Yeah.

1:03:17

Nearly glamorous.

1:03:18

It's very popular

1:03:20

in America as we call that season. The second

1:03:24

series of programs that we made were

1:03:26

you know her since three months old and I come

1:03:29

back and he's nine months old and you know who I am. I mean

1:03:32

that's hard. That is really

1:03:34

hard. Where's Zander? And

1:03:37

then Zander the radio come. Luckily.

1:03:40

But the lucky

1:03:42

thing Zander was around. He was a sort of you

1:03:45

know to sort of you know be there in those

1:03:48

early months. And if Zander was unsure

1:03:50

of anything he could always ask Richard Osman couldn't he. Thank

1:03:53

you Richard. And come up with this lovely

1:03:55

catchphrase. Thank you Richard.

1:03:57

How

1:03:58

many. I want to see. I want to. a supercut

1:04:01

of Thank You Richard. You could

1:04:03

do loads couldn't you? No Richard Roswell

1:04:06

was not doing that show. No but he did enough. Have you

1:04:08

been in dictionary?

1:04:10

No I wasn't asked. I

1:04:13

thought I'd be a shoo-in for that. Me too. But

1:04:15

that wasn't asked. No I did do very badly

1:04:18

when I was on the show. I've never been on it. Yeah

1:04:20

I was really really badly. A lot

1:04:23

of luck in that though depending on the topic. Yeah

1:04:25

we were bond themes. I should have done better. Bond

1:04:28

themes and you didn't do well. No.

1:04:30

So can you remember the detail?

1:04:32

You were trying to find the one that failed. I failed to really understand

1:04:35

how pointless works which is

1:04:37

obviously I mean everybody knows now and I

1:04:39

and I in my excitement when

1:04:42

they said name

1:04:43

you know name

1:04:44

a bond theme and named goldfinger.

1:04:47

So you've got to go for ones that people and I was

1:04:49

like pretty sure this is right. Pretty

1:04:51

sure this is right and of course that I was

1:04:53

like

1:04:54

you're out

1:04:55

because everybody knows the goldfinger.

1:04:57

So what were the low scoring ones? Right.

1:05:02

License to Kill, Gladys Knight.

1:05:06

All the time in the world I think was probably it

1:05:08

was a good score because

1:05:10

it's not the same title as the film. Well

1:05:12

there's one I think

1:05:15

Octopussy I think the song from

1:05:18

that isn't it All Time High I think

1:05:20

it's called Something Like That. And Living Daylights was quite

1:05:22

a good score though. The

1:05:28

Living, Striker could have done that. The Living

1:05:31

Daylights. Wow

1:05:34

all off your face. When you

1:05:36

did that Striker where

1:05:38

did you where was your knowledge of because the

1:05:41

kind of Scandinavian thing was

1:05:43

impacted on me at all. I would

1:05:45

never have gone to that. Every time you went to

1:05:47

like we had some

1:05:51

yeah every time I remember go to sort of slightly

1:05:53

offbeat music venue like the marquee

1:05:55

or something there would be a that kind

1:05:58

of voice. really?

1:06:00

France's learning voice but also

1:06:02

they were just such good musicians and also

1:06:05

there was another time Zander and I where we

1:06:07

went skiing oh my god yeah

1:06:09

we went skiing there was this fantastic band

1:06:12

that used to play in the bar at night and

1:06:14

they were a jazz band but they were called

1:06:16

On Rocks. Good evening

1:06:19

we are On Rocks! And

1:06:21

we both look at it and say, on the rocks? No

1:06:25

we are On Rocks! And

1:06:28

one two three four and they'd be kind of like

1:06:30

a kind of I mean

1:06:32

pretty loungey sort of jazz

1:06:35

we loved we just loved it because they looked so cool

1:06:37

but something about how beautiful

1:06:39

they were and how sort of fantastic they looked

1:06:42

and that kind of sort

1:06:44

of Scandinavian way of talking

1:06:47

but with a slide because they they're not modeling

1:06:49

their accent on British

1:06:52

English the modeling it on presumably

1:06:55

MTV or something like that and also

1:06:57

there were the video do you not remember

1:06:59

the the VJ? Yes. There

1:07:01

was a lot of VJs on MTV

1:07:05

yeah that's right and they were they would all be kind

1:07:07

of super cool and use a

1:07:10

lot of video medics. What was VH1 in relation

1:07:12

to MTV? Was that more Adelto? More Adelto

1:07:15

yeah more kind of I guess sort of radio

1:07:17

2's to the radio 1. Well

1:07:22

Ben Miller we

1:07:24

could... What was it about that that made you sort of just

1:07:26

like okay I'm out I'm done I'm done.

1:07:29

What makes you think I'm saying that? I'm

1:07:31

saying it's the tone the very your body posture

1:07:34

the tone of your voice the sort of the

1:07:36

blank slightly existential

1:07:38

angst look in your eye. Well

1:07:40

I

1:07:42

was in one

1:07:44

chair. It was what you were doing. I was in Manchester

1:07:46

last night my son who I'm gonna

1:07:48

take this home and give to George wants to go to the driving

1:07:51

range. Oh okay. What

1:07:53

did I say? Yeah. You can

1:07:55

go back to school tomorrow. A little bit

1:07:58

not very not very well but... He

1:08:00

wants to go there and he said what time

1:08:02

will you be home? Yeah, I said I'll be on from

1:08:04

about 4 30 I'm gonna struggle

1:08:06

to do that if you don't shut up with the

1:08:09

constant yacking about you Because

1:08:11

you may notice it's been all about you. So

1:08:13

I Need

1:08:15

to wrap this up for George's sake Yeah,

1:08:18

well, I don't deny him dad's presence.

1:08:21

No, I'm gonna give it. I tell you what speaking

1:08:23

of presence I

1:08:26

This guy Whatever

1:08:34

you do don't let your dad read this look

1:08:36

to you Holding

1:08:39

the panel off Ben inscribed his

1:08:41

name to George His

1:08:43

lady brought him to the room to

1:08:45

the reading he quipped happy reading

1:08:48

Ben Miller and that was it

1:08:51

Rob could not take it to the charity shop now

1:08:54

I Ever

1:08:56

would Ben Miller once upon

1:08:58

a legend

1:09:00

All jokes aside from that bit

1:09:02

you read I've gripped I've Sincere

1:09:07

I went oh You want to

1:09:09

know what happened then? Let's shake

1:09:11

hands. We signed it that you're coming to Tranmure over

1:09:16

If you've enjoyed listening Remember

1:09:18

you can see Highlights over

1:09:21

on the Rob Brydon YouTube channel.

1:09:23

Oh and remember to subscribe

1:09:32

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1:09:35

you can listen to Brydon and early

1:09:38

and add free on Amazon music download

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1:09:43

Nanda's produced by Talent Bank and executive

1:09:46

produced by Rob Brydon. He does such

1:09:48

a vital job in collaboration

1:09:50

with wondering