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1:00

Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts.

1:03

If Brown Girls Do It Too

1:05

did one of those DNA tests

1:08

that reveal your ancestry, the results

1:10

would be undeniably South Asian. Duh.

1:13

What those test results wouldn't tell you but should is

1:15

that if you share DNA with us,

1:17

you probably have a predisposition to occasionally

1:19

being gaslit by your mother and

1:22

great eyebrows. Maybe the test would

1:24

reveal some sordid secret. If it

1:26

did, we'd discuss it here. That's

1:28

our way of warning you this episode will

1:30

contain content of an adult nature. And perhaps

1:32

the results would explain why we are the

1:35

way we are. Like why do

1:37

I swear so much? That's our way

1:39

of warning you that this episode

1:41

will contain strong language. Adult content,

1:43

strong language. I think our ancestors

1:45

would be proud. Mashallah.

1:53

This is a podcast about sex. At

1:55

least it started off like that. Now

1:57

we talk about everything. Everything is sex.

2:00

and sex is everything. And that

2:02

includes our mistakes, our

2:04

heartbreaks and our hot, hot, hot

2:07

takes. I'm

2:11

Robina and I feel connected to my ancestors

2:13

when I squat, feet flat. To know

2:16

that's how a lot of them waited for the train makes me feel

2:18

close to them. You know where my mind went,

2:20

how you'd shit? Mmm. That's

2:22

probably how the ancestors did

2:25

a poo, right? Were they putting in toilets? Probably

2:27

not. No. In a hole in the

2:29

ground. Yeah. So I wanted to just be classier

2:31

than toilet humor, so I went for the train. And

2:33

I just went toilet humor. I'm Poppy

2:35

and I feel connected to my ancestors when

2:37

I speak Bengali and eat shukti with my hands.

2:40

Shukti is, as you know, the very

2:42

well-documented curry that I often talk

2:44

about. Yeah. Do you want me to

2:46

eat it? Do I? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot eat

2:48

it. You are not allowed to eat it. What?

2:52

It's disgusting and it stinks. But you're

2:54

delicious. For me, it's

2:56

like a delicacy. It's like, would you go to a... Not

2:59

like my ancestors weren't brought up that far from

3:01

where your ancestors were brought up. What, they could be

3:03

Bangladeshi and have shukti? No, but they probably have

3:05

sampled some shukti in their time. I

3:08

bet you my great-great-great-grandfather and your great-great-great-grandfather

3:11

maybe had some shukti and did some dice. The

3:13

way... The

3:16

way you say shukti... Shukti. Shukti.

3:18

You kind of like make it cockney. Shukti.

3:20

It makes me feel weird and I don't

3:23

like it. Maybe, possibly,

3:25

shukti with their hands. Yeah, sure. Why not?

3:27

It was all India one day. I,

3:29

sadly, don't feel any connection to

3:32

my ancestors other than the pain.

3:36

It's so sad that I do this though because I just

3:38

think about the pain. When you think about trauma, it's like

3:40

buzzword pain. So I just think about all the sad shit

3:42

they went through. But I should probably think about the happy

3:45

shit they went through. But did they go through happy shit?

3:47

They must have done. And trauma is

3:49

such a word that's overused in social media and

3:51

therapy speaking. Oh my God. We talked about it

3:53

the other day. It's just so quickly Chosen

3:55

as a word. A trauma triggered gas light. They

3:57

Said it in the fucking intro, didn't they? They

4:00

did that when of. Discuss.

4:02

Injustice? Yeah. Because. Like how

4:04

could you possibly talk about the stuff that you

4:06

ancestors went through indices as as in the lead

4:08

trauma. I'm in one of the reasons why I

4:10

mean when we first started this podcast as to be silly.

4:13

But. I think what we've done is we've

4:15

said a lie on quite serious stuff like

4:17

art form our our said trauma to the

4:20

trauma. Of. Brown women from the trauma of

4:22

our mothers are on. She's. A

4:24

slight. We are sponsored by Intergenerational Trauma Yeah,

4:27

I'm and we carry out with us everyday.

4:29

everyday. Am I think if I carry it

4:31

in my hands are no one. Has

4:33

see every day. It's like so worn face

4:35

of a. Twenty. Something year old

4:38

and a good day. Hands definitely the

4:40

sixty five hours Williams thinks. I do think of

4:42

my mom's hand. when I think of like my

4:44

mom the I would think of a hands and

4:46

like how hard she was like cooks neff drives

4:49

mean plays is like they've done. The people who

4:51

have like whether lie and gnarly and my mom's

4:53

hundred the same lists cut marks from cutting. And

4:55

cooking and willing. And spying and burning

4:57

sides I look at my hands and i never

4:59

take care of my and so i didn't hear

5:02

any willingham lest. I.

5:06

Said or is it a real moment?

5:08

Food and thirty two drops. I need

5:10

a holiday for the hands on with

5:12

your ideas. Are you doing Chandler? Joey?

5:14

Season achieve and I'm gonna see someone

5:16

And they look really young on a

5:18

do, especially mostly with women actually. Which

5:21

very unseemliness. That makes a look at

5:23

their hands and I think that their hands on your

5:25

way. They true age sky that twenty five year old

5:27

hands of an eighty or only of and less Me.

5:29

But I just think about like the laws in I'm

5:31

I'm I'm putting my hair, washing my hair, combing my

5:34

hair, all the things that she did with her hands

5:36

or things I do with my hands. lion. Yeah.

5:38

I think about my hands. Than a wise. Man

5:41

I don't know where my trauma stored

5:43

in different parts the body can it

5:46

Dina Ronaldo Curcumin I ended last trauma

5:48

that apparently also a stiff neck in

5:50

the i noticed that softest. Justice

5:53

me if I sent letters to slots on he

5:55

last night, but god fill it with that was

5:57

promised egg. Not. not the deep

5:59

and center trauma that we're gonna

6:01

be talking about. Not the OG, IG

6:03

trauma. You know the Instagram trauma, the

6:06

OG trauma? Yeah. No, this is, yeah,

6:08

yeah, yeah. The shoulder Instagram trauma is

6:10

IG. My mum's has OG trauma. Yeah,

6:12

yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. Do

6:14

you believe in intergenerational trauma?

6:17

Yeah. OG trauma, IG trauma, all of it. Yeah,

6:19

I believe it exists. I feel like you

6:22

can't survive as a person without

6:24

feeling a deep connection to the experiences

6:26

of your parents. And

6:28

I like to sometimes think, or maybe because

6:30

we're South Asian, we feel it more, but

6:33

I just don't think that's true. I think

6:35

everyone carries some sort of trauma that their

6:37

parents or ancestors have felt across the line.

6:39

Like whether your parents have had to move

6:41

country, become stateless, because

6:44

of wars, because of famine, or there was

6:46

like, yeah, anything, any conflicts happening in the

6:48

countries that you're from, like you still have

6:51

a weird connection to all of that without

6:53

knowing and without addressing it all the time.

6:55

Yeah, I definitely believe it. And I know that there's

6:57

not huge amounts of research being done into it. And

6:59

I know they're just looking at like, the things that

7:01

we can carry on in genetics if you come from

7:04

poverty-stricken places, like what you can pass down. But

7:07

I think that there's still so much research

7:09

to be done. How do you collect qualitative

7:11

data? I just study my family, study my

7:13

family, study my whole extended family. Study, and

7:16

you're right, actually, I used to think I

7:18

didn't know what it was. And then the first time

7:20

I had this term bandaged around was five years ago,

7:22

and everything went, I was

7:24

like, this makes total sense. Yeah, there's

7:26

one thing that I really didn't realise

7:28

was a real family thing until much

7:30

later. And it took really recently, which

7:32

is like the passport being like a

7:34

really important thing. Because

7:37

my parents are refugees, and then they're refugees again, but

7:39

weirdly, they all have British passports, because both of the

7:41

countries that they had come from were colonised by the

7:43

British. So India, then to Kenya. But

7:46

the passport for them is like the ticket that

7:48

is so important. It is the golden ticket. And

7:52

then the passport, look at the special draw, my dad

7:54

had charge of all the passports. Suitcase, bruv. And like,

7:56

it was combination. If you were holding your passport even

7:58

for a second to look at it. stamp. They'd be

8:00

like, put it back and put it back. Oh my

8:02

God. Same with us. He was

8:04

like the most prized possession. It was

8:06

more valuable than gold and your mom's

8:08

wedding gold, like wedding jewelry. Like it

8:10

was so, you couldn't fuck around with

8:13

it. My dad kept all my passports

8:15

till I moved out on a 28. We

8:17

kept all the family's passport. And now I'm just

8:19

like, it's right near my fucking dildo. Right near

8:22

the ropes, right in my butt plugs. But the

8:24

passport thing is something that I still think is

8:26

so important because it's like this anxiety around your

8:28

life could be moved. At any point. And like,

8:30

I don't feel that like I'm British. I feel

8:33

like this country is mine as much as anyone

8:35

else says he was born here. My dad to

8:37

this day and my mom, they're so stingy. And

8:39

I think it's taken me so many

8:41

years to be like, they had to be stingy. My dad

8:44

is one of eight. He had to take over all

8:46

of his siblings and got them married. Then he's one

8:48

of six. My mom doesn't work. Like it's,

8:50

he grew up with it in a level of poverty

8:52

that I just don't understand. And clearly neither do my

8:55

fucking siblings because I was buying shit online and

8:57

it just drives him mental. But you

9:00

know, now I have a bit, I'm not, I'm not rich,

9:02

but I still think like a working class

9:04

brown person. You know what I mean? I'm like,

9:06

wheelie dealer, Del Boiler, how much money do I have?

9:08

Can I get a saving? I'm still like this now.

9:11

Yeah. Yeah. But I think that's really, really a great,

9:13

I don't know. Like if that was his trauma,

9:15

he's turned into something positive for you because I think

9:17

to be wily about money and to appreciate how

9:19

far a pound can go in today's world

9:21

is a gift. It's a gift, but all of

9:24

his kids, we're like, I think

9:26

we went too far. Dad

9:28

tells me the story about like growing up in a mud

9:30

heart, in Uganda, in a mud heart,

9:32

like the walls were made of mud. Yeah. Mental. And

9:34

I'm sorry, is that from like a movie or like

9:36

a book? Because it just cut your experience. But do

9:39

you remember that episode of a master of none? It

9:44

was absolutely brilliant. Do you remember that episode

9:46

where they went back to the, like the

9:48

Korean guy's dad is like chopping off a chicken

9:51

and his dad's doing something wild. And you're like,

9:53

this is my father. This is

9:55

like, this is in his lifetime. Yeah.

9:57

And Here we are doing. In

10:00

picked up reading as up there is like

10:02

my child is gonna grow up and I'm

10:04

a lot younger generation for the my mom

10:06

did a sex podcast who. Bought.

10:11

I. Think because of the way you raise

10:13

your little bugs, he'll be proud of

10:15

this. look. I'm gonna say this there

10:17

is a bit. ah. A controversial

10:19

I think we only to be a struggle.

10:21

I think we all need to like fight

10:23

for something because when everything comes easy to

10:25

you and look I'm not saying this one

10:27

might let my pushes. Which is friends.

10:30

That everything on a on a and one handed to

10:32

them to on a plate and everything free and us

10:34

pay for rent. I'm. Not saying

10:36

that we don't have mental health of coffee do

10:39

but like you have to fight yes to sort

10:41

of at least good a hassle for a bit.

10:43

You go to be grounded in some way like

10:45

cons to have everything given to you want to

10:47

be made all the time because you don't understand

10:50

life so this is if is a ticket to

10:52

foreign you like Super bowl or you though the

10:54

other way like peas. Everything that you could ever

10:56

have enough to work for anything ever. Then.

10:58

You just like oh who am I? What am

11:00

I? What am I doing Seattle? yes I'm Nicole

11:03

minutes or like All is really funny. Why doesn't

11:05

it? Because more like like in medical speak it's

11:07

like a shock to the system. The yes and

11:09

so when I think about trauma like I think

11:11

I can say that my parents had to from

11:13

it because they were refugees now taken from that

11:15

country and and the same my grandpa now that's

11:17

a traumatic see her life changing experience. Yeah yeah

11:19

I think I've experienced that same level of trauma

11:21

of like a shock part of the reason the

11:23

away once you. this episode was because I watch

11:25

this video of a guy online. I saw this

11:27

yeah during a podcast at his mom on. He

11:29

basically was like mom when to set some boundaries

11:31

and his seat eighth from the he thought a

11:33

boundary only landry that and she was like so

11:35

angry with him that he would Jesus was because

11:37

he was like you lay what our boundaries and

11:39

between mean you is so offenses like I have

11:42

given you like a junior for the what is

11:44

what do you mean by Bally's boundaries you couldn't

11:46

just leave me what does that mean And it's

11:48

so interesting because like some of this that's it

11:50

went viral because I saw I just saw the

11:52

clip i want to we don't have a really

11:54

went ahead health costs by sell. her

11:56

rage and i felt his rage and i i was

11:58

their mamas him and us I'm not a mum, but like I

12:01

it's so many South Asian experiences that

12:04

conversation and also such a Miscommunication.

12:06

Oh my god, like a language barrier. Sometimes

12:08

I feel that even though my mum does

12:11

English I still feel like we can't find

12:13

the words to me in the middle sometimes

12:16

And again, that's really difficult when you have this idea of

12:18

them having a traumatic experience because they haven't found the words

12:20

They don't have the tools to articulate. Oh my god You're

12:22

literally making my hair sound on it Like you know how

12:24

language is so important to me and the fact that you

12:26

said that kind of it doesn't make me feel

12:29

better That's not the right turn of

12:31

phrase But I used to think Me

12:33

and my siblings used to think the way the reason why we can't connect

12:35

with our parents is because they don't speak English My

12:38

dad speaks it but very functional my my speaks

12:40

no English But what you've said and actually I've

12:42

had other people say this like, you know Their

12:44

parents are doctors and they still have really this

12:46

backward way of thinking their parents are middle-class or

12:48

educated I used to think and

12:50

I was like, oh my god But you can both speak English and

12:52

just not be listening to each other as well You can just not

12:54

be listening to each other and do not have the words In that

12:57

clip, it's really interesting because you can hear him being like mum. That's

12:59

not what I'm saying That's not what I meant. That's not what I'm

13:01

saying. And then she's she's already she's already

13:03

heard it Yeah, she doesn't have any time to listen to

13:05

anything else. So she just carries on Yeah, I'm like that's

13:07

mirrors every argument. I have my mum where it's like

13:09

we're both talking at each other and no one's listening Yeah,

13:12

and they both cried like just the other week. She came

13:14

over and she came she came over

13:16

and it was like Friday She was helping out with my child.

13:18

She'd been looking after him all day. So I'm sure she was

13:20

tired I just had a full week. I just come home.

13:22

I literally came in she'd made curry I sat next to her

13:24

on the sofa. I was like, this is yummy. Put my

13:26

feet up and mum was like, you know You

13:29

really need to sort a house. It's such a trigger.

13:31

So yeah, and then I was like, what do you mean? I've literally

13:33

just come in to clean the floor now She thought we just need

13:35

to get cleaner because you guys cannot keep this big house clean and

13:37

I was like mum I just think you know, you're like home So

13:39

I'm not cleaning the house when you come here because you're home But

13:42

if somebody else comes I clean the house, but if

13:44

you're not listening not listening tears then both of us

13:46

and tears Like the

13:48

month my mum left the next day to go

13:50

home and when she got back after driving

13:52

back to London She texts me and

13:55

said I'm really sorry. I think that all came across badly.

13:57

I Was like done. We're

13:59

done You know, like you can like forgive

14:01

your family like the way that you can rage at them

14:03

in a second. Yeah, you can forgive them easily. Yeah, in

14:05

a faster second. In a faster second. In a half a

14:07

second. Yeah, absolutely. So it's like,

14:09

sorry, this is such a great, great word to use it. Oh,

14:12

and especially with brown people. Over fucking use it, man. Oh my

14:14

God. Just be sorry. Love unconditionally. Get

14:16

to a good place quicker. Yeah, love unconditionally. This

14:18

is why my siblings argue so much, but the way

14:20

they argue, they make up quite quickly, but I would argue that's a

14:22

bit toxic. The only time I heard my dad

14:24

say, I'm sorry and, sorry,

14:27

to ask me for a second. For

14:30

my forgiveness is when he

14:32

apologized for the wedding, like what they

14:34

made me do. And I've

14:37

never heard him apologize since, but that was just, you

14:39

know, something knocks you for six. I've

14:41

never heard him apologize since, but you're just like, you

14:44

see them as this like grown up that you

14:46

revere, that you are, they're a God. How

14:49

could they apologize to you in our culture? They could do

14:51

anything wrong. And our elders don't apologize to young people. That

14:53

happens in white people's cultures, not ours. And he did it.

14:56

And I know what a huge

14:58

moment that was for him. Huge.

15:01

Yeah. And I fucking apologize about all

15:03

this other shit he's done. Yeah. But you

15:05

know, it's a step. Oh my God. Yeah.

15:08

I had the same, you know, when I stopped talking to my dad for two years and I went home pregnant

15:10

and he had a massive fall and he

15:12

was like, I'm sorry. You know, I'm

15:14

sorry about everything. You need to come home and you need to visit

15:17

us and we need to, we need to fix this. Like he wanted

15:19

to do it. Makes

15:21

all the difference. I like, that's one thing I'd always

15:23

make sure with my kid is that I'll know that

15:25

I've been fallible and I always say sorry. And

15:28

then we do this thing, like me and my

15:30

toddler were like, if we hurt each other, we kiss

15:32

the part that we've hurt. So we're like, sorry, sorry. So

15:35

he'll hit me because he's a toddler. Sorry.

15:45

Our guest today is a comedian who

15:47

uses her stand up routine to challenge

15:49

mainstream perceptions of Muslim women. She's truly

15:51

unlike anyone else in the British comedy

15:53

circuit. And we're so honored to have

15:55

her here. It's that's the Al Gorey.

15:58

Welcome to Brown. I

16:01

love. You guys! So why don't we

16:03

just start with a very basic. Breezy

16:06

Christian. Really? Easy icebreakers. What

16:08

we do with every once how much

16:10

forward you think you've inherited from your

16:12

answer such as a ah consists. Of

16:16

into law. Ah,

16:19

Truckloads Mckay let me

16:21

teach. Moroccan Mark in attendance

16:23

saw number in touch with that side of

16:25

myself. I speak the down dialect I go

16:27

there like to four times a year and

16:29

and supply of i know how to cook

16:31

the food on know all that kind of

16:33

will say people are more of them they

16:35

got all your parents American I'm not know

16:38

America and I was born him I am

16:40

a wrong number is moral can see I

16:42

yes. Another know why people do the and then

16:44

you get the opposite. Of that weather like

16:46

where you from from Yeah and then I'm

16:48

like whoa and yeah so he signed. I'm

16:50

like when they say that I'm from my

16:53

my mom's vagina know it. I got an

16:55

answer lined up for who I'm talking to

16:57

save us to Can do you have been

16:59

artistic I'm I'm Bang of the Zebra is.

17:02

Yes, I'm talking to a guy and Simon. Months

17:04

of men using and then. I

17:06

may find I stay out of lot from

17:09

off on from yet pharmacies London from from

17:11

his on it as yes haven't these two

17:13

different heritages lot the that is that isn't

17:15

a word. Harrison and Will is now marriages.

17:17

I. Am are largely

17:20

Harris A jail. Cell

17:23

I haven't these two lot of if they

17:25

were were brace and and were so like

17:28

the other side of us as well whatever

17:30

are called for oh I'm or estimate carrots

17:32

ages see a fine you have like several

17:34

brains that you work on dies up what

17:36

use and that's what the more When you

17:38

said sometimes you respond with a lost cause

17:40

a Francisco yes yes yes so and then

17:43

you've got the trauma of. Both

17:45

of those sides you else would see a

17:47

lot double trauma the of your. Own former

17:49

and sometimes I look at my mom ice we

17:51

think this from my mom and now the for

17:53

my dad and I look that like the pain

17:55

in their heart in their eyes and how light

17:58

base and and that the pain debate. Confirm

18:00

their grandparents intergenerational team is a fairly

18:02

i say new word is not. New,

18:04

New A the It's been doing the rounds for like the

18:07

last five years. I mean I'm in the first

18:09

time I read about instead of me. Some former

18:11

is like a Bus Seat article that is. is

18:13

it what we was an article Als Ice yet

18:15

Spirit Lattice the Cold. I love him in a

18:18

lot. any of the a lot on ways to

18:20

so intergenerational trauma. the sixers, a gun and and

18:22

gentlemen the I I I sometimes look at the

18:24

pain and the anguish in my mom's eyes and

18:27

subsystems way she sighs and the kind of an

18:29

eye on a sealer and then she puts projects

18:31

all of her She on to me and my

18:33

siblings and that's basically isn't as I said when

18:35

one of those things the I think. The

18:38

is passed down is built like one of the

18:40

things I just tell my mom is some guild

18:42

that she feels about being a woman or houses

18:44

read harm other or whatever as and then she

18:46

puts on me he makes she puts her get

18:48

me and then I feel guilty. You emotion I

18:51

feel wage of you My mom's raid my dad's

18:53

raise more emotion do So what led down would

18:55

say my now with less originally a less outside

18:57

definitely the right things out to be a lot

18:59

mouth I think when I was younger I was

19:02

a little. Bit angry at my mom's month. My

19:04

dad passed away when I was six, so liked

19:06

I didn't have a lot of. A

19:09

male yeah, with oral five brothers, Barstow

19:11

didn't have reynolds out to get a

19:13

lot more now and so. They states to

19:15

this day. I'm. Like I'm a man or

19:17

no One Man I am Say I'm

19:19

not venom, you know? lot? And

19:22

and this one comes on. That one comes out like whenever

19:24

I need it to. Severely. Severely. the thing

19:27

that jumps. I don't know if this and of my. Some

19:29

of the thing that jumps out to me the my own member when

19:31

I was young. It was the sense of

19:33

not belong in. So when I was

19:35

young or members the we didn't speak English. at home

19:37

at home dad is to say to us

19:40

but we was i was young you know

19:42

he cites flooding see i didn't know it

19:44

was playing the id know the thing so

19:46

like my brother's with a bullet know when

19:49

i'm not speak english i'm in in homie

19:51

speak the dialects when you're outside then you

19:53

speaking english by we have to preserve all

19:55

and homes are on our language and practices

19:58

and stuff like man of faith And I

20:00

remember like my brother would be like, he would say

20:02

in the dialect, he'd go past me the bread, please,

20:04

and my dad would be like, what

20:07

did I say? What's the word, please? He

20:10

would say please in English. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But

20:12

what is it in your language? Afeq. Afeq.

20:14

Yeah, and he would say, athenielchub, give me the

20:16

bread. Is it Arabic? We're more gonna speak Arabic

20:18

and French. It's a dial, it's a mixture. That's

20:20

why it's a dialect. We don't speak pure Arabic.

20:22

Okay. So yeah, so he

20:25

would be like athenielchub, so give me the

20:27

bread. It's kind of funny that your brother's getting

20:29

backhanded and being polite, but in English. Yeah,

20:31

exactly, the other way. And

20:34

then I remember going to like nursery, and I

20:36

remember this like yesterday, and I was holding

20:38

my mom's hand, and the teacher spoke to me,

20:40

and I looked up at my mom and I said, I

20:43

don't understand what she's saying. And my mom looked down and

20:45

she said, this is not our country. And

20:47

that was it, and that's what always stuck. And like,

20:49

oh my God, I don't know why. Who is it?

20:51

Yeah, I feel it, yeah. I wasn't gonna cry that,

20:53

I don't know what happened there. But- That

20:56

was indeed suppressed from that. That was, because when we was growing

20:58

up as well, I'm gonna

21:00

be 43 in Shiloh, in April. You

21:03

look 25. Thank you. I'm not even saying

21:05

that, you're amazing kids. That's what happens when you pray if

21:07

I found a date, honey. You're

21:09

a honey. I mean, it's just

21:11

fucking good, honey. You know what I mean?

21:14

Oh, no, no, no. I'm a Muslim when I have to

21:16

see my mom. No. Part time, Friday. Listen, no judgment from

21:18

me. Everyone's journey's different, everyone's life is different. My mom knows

21:20

when I have a father, you know, because I do have

21:22

a dad. Yeah, she can tell. She's

21:24

like, you're not angry, you're not as angry. I

21:27

told you, it's the rage, it's the rage that's passed down.

21:30

I think that's really interesting about othering, because I think

21:32

that's so spot on, I feel exactly the same. My

21:34

parents, all of their friends were Muslims.

21:37

Everyone they'd bring home, everyone they'd go out with at

21:39

the weekend, all of them were brown. And part of

21:41

that messaging to me was like, white people

21:43

won't be friends with you, and they won't be real friends.

21:45

They won't look out for you like the community looks out

21:47

for you. And that has come from

21:50

my parents arriving in this country in the

21:52

70s as immigrants. It comes from my grandparents

21:55

arriving in East Africa as immigrants. So like,

21:57

I've got two generations of people being completely

21:59

displaced. sticking together in the community for

22:01

safety. And so for me, even growing

22:03

up, it took me ages to be like, I

22:05

am a white person's equal. Yeah. Just to feel

22:08

that. Even to this day though, I struggle with that.

22:10

I'll be honest with you, that is a struggle for me.

22:13

To this day, I just think that

22:15

because I'm visibly different as well, you

22:17

know, so it's like straight away

22:19

they see Muslim women. Do you know what? Absolutely.

22:21

Not to, like with you guys. No, no, of

22:24

course, absolutely. You're ambiguous. You could

22:26

be Colombian. You could be Colombian.

22:28

You know what I mean? Like all these different things. You could

22:30

be able to get whatever faith. But like when you wear, I

22:33

used to wear a hijab. I used to be, I'm an ex-hijabi.

22:35

So when you wear a hijab, when

22:37

you wear a headscarf, it's one

22:40

of the most visible signs of your faith.

22:42

Like you are wearing that loud

22:44

and proud. Well, most people are loud and proud. So

22:46

I wouldn't know what it's like to be in your

22:48

shoes because obviously I took off the

22:50

headscarf a long time ago. Yeah. And

22:53

I think that that's one thing that will

22:55

always, will try to, like, you know, the

22:57

trauma that you have from your generation, you're

22:59

always trying to diffuse, dilute, I guess. Well,

23:01

make better. Yeah. We organize it or repackage

23:03

it in some way. But you know, there's

23:05

also this other idea that like some genetic

23:07

things that you've gained from your

23:09

lineage. I mean, you must have heard about this

23:12

thing. That's like, if you're from generations of poverty,

23:14

and this isn't just like Indians, this is like

23:16

anyone whose parents went through like wars or famines

23:18

or whatever, you know, your body, the evolution of

23:20

your body adapts to like

23:23

hold onto fat because you come from dark people

23:25

because you come from hungry people. And

23:27

that's why diabetes in the South Asian

23:29

community is so high because we come

23:31

from starved people. Is that improving? Yeah.

23:33

Oh, wow. There's a genetic

23:36

trauma that connects. So that's why they say like the stuff

23:38

that's in your body, the stuff that you like trauma is

23:40

carried in the body, right? It's carried in the brain and the body. That's

23:43

interesting. I didn't know that. Now I

23:45

can explain it whenever people be like,

23:47

Fatty, why you look like that after

23:49

I punch them? That's right, bitch. That's

23:52

right. But

23:55

it was very different when I was growing up. Like you

23:57

had maybe in the class of 30 kids, there was maybe like

23:59

three or five. four ethnic kids and we all

24:01

stuck together. And it was very, my mom

24:03

would come home, come to collect us in a

24:05

headscarf and they would take the piss. And stuff

24:07

like that. I got into so many fights. I nearly

24:09

drowned a boy when I was like young in the

24:12

pond, the school pond, because they used to pick on

24:14

me so much for being different. We

24:16

all used to play together. It was so

24:18

mixed. We had like Malaysian family, black family,

24:20

Jewish family, Greek

24:22

family, family from Thailand,

24:25

South Africa, we all played together. And

24:27

then the white kids, white English kids,

24:30

we all played together and it was the best. But

24:33

then we created that as kids. Do

24:36

you know what I mean? But when I started school, it

24:38

was very different. Because as kids,

24:40

you don't understand race and you don't understand

24:42

form really. That's the really interesting thing about

24:44

difference that I always find really hard. It's

24:46

like sometimes, so I think my parents always

24:48

talked about us as being different. We were the different

24:50

thing and that was the normal thing. Like we were

24:53

the other. And I really, that's the

24:55

thing that was like, baffles me because it's like, always

24:57

done from a white centric point of

24:59

view where the difference is. And

25:01

I think like if we weren't thinking about differences, then we'd

25:04

just be like, we're the same. We're all just people. We're

25:06

all just people. But the truth is like, we

25:08

can't have this theory of all just people because

25:10

we all live different lives. Our experience of life

25:12

is so different. Like, you know, people

25:14

have a problem sometimes with us talking about our podcast, like

25:17

it's brown girls do it too because we're putting the brown

25:19

on it. But it's like, that's the literal color of

25:21

our skin that we're experiencing. Yeah, exactly. So it's like

25:23

they find that word divisive because all humans at the

25:25

end of the day. But with humans who have different

25:27

experiences of this world, right? But it's when it

25:29

comes to your experiences, that's when it becomes that

25:32

thing of, well, this is woke. Oh, we're all

25:34

just human. Oh, why do you always bring race

25:36

into it? And I'm like, bitch, are you crazy?

25:38

Like you wouldn't ask, do you know how many gigs I have to

25:40

do in a pub? And when I walk, before

25:43

I walk in, I have to give myself a pep talk.

25:45

Because as soon as I walk in, they're all just staring

25:47

at me like, what are you doing here? And all this

25:49

kind of stuff. Do they say anything? No, they wouldn't, I'd

25:51

smash them up. Like, trust me, bruv, I don't

25:53

take shit from typing. Where's the feelings, London girl?

25:55

I feel it. I'm just, but it's a feeling,

25:58

yeah. They're looking at you right now. I

26:00

see you've got so much bravado, but what

26:02

you're saying is this inner voice that obviously

26:04

comes from your family. You're the way that

26:06

you are, where you're looking there, being like, I

26:08

didn't come to pubs growing up. My family never took

26:10

me to a pub. And the first

26:12

time you go to a pub, when you haven't come

26:14

from that culture, especially wearing a hijab as well. Yeah,

26:17

when you have to walk in there and do music.

26:19

I mean, country pubs still. Do you find that level

26:21

of abuse, racial abuse,

26:23

how does it affect you? Yeah,

26:25

definitely. It just reinforces the

26:28

thing of your parents, of you will never be one

26:30

of them. You will never fit in. You will always

26:33

be out of play. And in 2024, how is the

26:35

power of the stills? I think, I mean, our

26:37

podcast is kind of radical because we do graphically

26:40

talk about the sex that we've chosen

26:42

to have with multiple partners across,

26:44

you know, 10, 15 years of being able to

26:47

be single. You do think about

26:49

the generation. I mean, for me, it's just

26:51

the generation above me where I know a

26:54

lot of those women did not have consensual

26:56

relationships. And like, I'm

26:58

very aware of that. So like, it

27:00

was just one generation. I almost had to rebel completely

27:02

on the other way to be like all

27:04

of these decisions that my body I will make, and I

27:06

will be in charge of them. I remember

27:08

telling my mum and I did something I wish I did

27:10

more and I don't. And I want to kick myself. I was

27:12

like, do you remember the first day

27:15

you came to this country? And honestly, my mum's

27:17

a tiny woman, but she's like a pitbull, right? But

27:19

when she was telling me the story, she just, she

27:21

just suddenly turned into this like tiny

27:23

frail older lady. She's only like

27:25

55 or something. But she was like, I

27:28

came to this country and her voice, she's

27:30

like her voice projects, but she's like, I came

27:32

to this country and it was really cold. And I was

27:34

wearing a sari and I didn't know anyone. And

27:37

she just kept saying how cold it was. And I just, oh

27:39

my God, I just wanted to hold her and hug her. Like she,

27:42

she's so like, she wouldn't have known anything

27:44

about sex. She just married my dad, right?

27:46

I was consummated in Bangladesh. They came here.

27:49

She has no family here. She's

27:51

in this foreign land. She's freezing her

27:53

tits off. Like she's got no

27:56

one to talk to. And I only found

27:58

this out the other day. 38.

28:01

And it's like, who is she saying these stories to? And

28:03

then I think about and this is where it gets a

28:05

bit weird, I guess, but it's like, yeah,

28:08

like consensual, like, I am

28:10

her daughter. And when I got married, and I say this

28:12

in series one of our podcasts, so I was in a

28:14

forced marriage, I got married in 2005. And I wasn't

28:17

watching porn. So this is pre smartphone.

28:20

I did not have a clue about

28:23

what to do in bed. I was so

28:25

scared. I have never experienced this feeling since I

28:27

did my heart was beating in my head is

28:29

like, dum, dum, dum. And it's like no one

28:32

teaches you this stuff. And that was 2005. Like

28:34

imagine what my mum was

28:36

feeling, my mum was feeling like the two biggest

28:38

things for me actually aren't about sex, they're about

28:40

poverty, and education

28:42

that my mum never got to have. She tells

28:45

me these stories about growing up in East Africa,

28:47

and then having to decide which one of them got

28:49

to go to school. Wow. Wow.

28:51

Money because it's like they have to also look after

28:54

their parents. And my mum was like, so I had

28:56

to be the tailor. I went and got a job

28:58

in like a sewing factory. And I always just wanted

29:00

the education. And I'm not very smart. And she has

29:02

all these hangups about her intelligence. And that for me,

29:05

this other way, when someone calls me smart, it

29:07

makes me feel so good. Yeah, I take that from my

29:09

mum. I had to be like, you

29:11

didn't get the education. I got all of it. I got

29:13

to go to university. I went all the way through secondary

29:16

school. So whenever we start talking about fucking moms, like emotional,

29:18

like it is tough. Do you do

29:20

that with your with your mom? I mean, obviously,

29:22

I don't talk about my mum about my mum and

29:24

her sex life. She's obviously had sex six times because there's six

29:26

of us. And do you think

29:28

about the sexual trauma of

29:31

your mother's generation in your community? For sure.

29:33

And look at the stuff that happens now.

29:36

And we're in 2024. Do you know what I mean? And

29:38

the way women are treated and, and

29:40

stuff. And so I think for them,

29:42

it was there was a shame around it. And this,

29:44

you know, I say this to a lot

29:47

of my male friends, I'm like,

29:49

every single female that you know,

29:51

has had some sort of sexual

29:53

assault harassment, even if it's

29:55

a stare, even if it's like a guy

29:57

looking at you, like, have you ever spread?

30:00

this with your mum or like an auntie or like

30:02

a mum's generation. No, it's embarrassing and there's

30:04

always that thing of what did

30:06

you do? What did you do? What did you do?

30:08

Yeah. What are you looking at here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:10

It's your fault. Yeah, yeah. Because that's how they've been.

30:12

Very conditioned. Yeah. And also that's

30:14

how they deal with it because it's painful

30:16

but it's almost like they're regurgitating

30:19

what they've been told. Yeah. Do you

30:21

know? I want to just say like that's the way

30:23

it is. That's like my mum's response to

30:25

things. She'll be like, that's just the way

30:27

it is, isn't it, Ravina? And I'll be

30:30

like, no, happily. Yeah. Like one of the

30:32

other things. This is what men are like.

30:34

Yeah. No, no. Exactly. And then you know,

30:36

like, I've been divorced, I've been married and divorced

30:38

twice, right? And I had my first marriage was

30:40

an arranged marriage, but it wasn't a forced one,

30:42

but it was a arranged marriage. And

30:45

when you, you know, your son's doing something bad

30:47

and then you're just like, oh no, just don't

30:49

worry. Like, oh, he's just got a temper. You

30:51

just have to keep him happy and then you won't

30:53

see that side of him. And I'm like, are you

30:56

crazy, bruv? You know, you've got like daughters. Do you

30:58

want that to happen to your kids? Like, this

31:00

is not okay. You know, your son's doing

31:02

this. Why have you not intervened? I can't

31:04

be the first woman he's done this with.

31:06

No, I'm saying, and I think this is

31:08

the thing with generational trauma

31:10

and trauma in general, you have

31:12

to break the cycle. You have

31:14

to break the cycle. And you

31:17

have to be like, I understand my

31:19

mum had these difficulties. I understand she

31:21

went through this, but that is not

31:24

and she's hurting me now. And that is not

31:26

okay. But I think that comes with, I

31:28

think you and I talk about this, like, it

31:30

comes with, like, when you get older, your

31:32

rage turns into empathy. So now my mum says

31:35

something dumb that I disagree

31:37

with. I'm like, okay, let me put myself

31:39

in her shoes. Let me be that 19 year old

31:41

woman that came with Asari that was so cold that

31:43

had no one. Let me understand why she thinks the

31:45

way she does and why her experiences

31:47

have shaped her world use. And

31:49

I try to be and I think one of

31:51

my worst qualities, especially with my family, I'm so

31:55

impatient. I just I never shout

31:57

with my friends, but I shout with my family. That's

32:00

a family dynamic. And the shouting is part

32:02

of that intergenerational. We're a

32:04

very shouty, creamy family. And

32:07

I look at some of my predominantly white friends who

32:09

are middle class and they're like, oh darling, just, and

32:11

I get so envious of the way they talk to

32:13

each other because they're so patient and kind and they

32:16

listen. I'm like, oh my God,

32:18

your mom listened to you, what? Oh my God,

32:20

yeah, I remember going to my fast white boyfriend's

32:22

parents' house and sitting around the table and then

32:24

we're having dinner in this wild way where I

32:27

was like, this is like France. Yeah. You're just

32:29

friends. Oh my God. There's no hierarchy

32:31

here. What would you do? Everyone's

32:33

equal, what the fuck? I

32:36

remember going home and then like my parents, the one

32:38

time, the only time of the year we'd all sit

32:40

around the table was Christmas. We're Muslim,

32:42

but we would just do that one thing. Yeah, we'd sit

32:44

around the table for Christmas and I'd be like, every

32:46

year I'd psych myself up for this Christmas dinner thing.

32:49

Like, this is when we're gonna be friends. This is

32:51

when this thing is gonna happen. We're gonna have these

32:53

like really incredible dinner conversations and really like reach

32:55

each other and it's gonna be like, phalanbondi. No,

32:58

we couldn't even get past the like mid-time

33:01

before like there's an argument and someone

33:03

walks away. Like that's like

33:05

the level of rage that was going on in our house.

33:07

Wow, I mean, I remember my sister Nadia, she'd come back from

33:09

a mate's house and she was like, you would not believe

33:11

what happened. The mother and the daughter,

33:13

they sat down and the mum asked

33:16

her, how are you? We were

33:18

like, shut up. No,

33:20

she didn't. Say it again, say

33:23

it again. How are you? Oh

33:26

my, we were absolutely flabbergasted. We were

33:28

so much power. But mum is really

33:31

cute now, she says, I love

33:33

you. That's

33:36

taking a, I think we can break the

33:38

cycle and I'm not being pessimistic about this

33:40

future, but like I am raising a

33:42

child right now, I have a two year old and

33:44

recently, because he's two and he's going through like

33:47

lots of developmental changes. He's like, language is amazing

33:49

and he's really getting there but obviously there's a

33:51

frustrating moment. So he has these tantrums and he's

33:53

hard, it's hard being two. But

33:55

I found this new rage rise up in me

33:57

when I get really angry and I have to.

34:00

catch myself to be like, I

34:02

never thought I'd be the type of mother who shouts

34:04

at my child. Yeah. And I'm, but I'm

34:06

here. I'm this close to doing it so many times. I

34:08

spoke to my partner about it the other day and I

34:10

was like, I have had to walk out of the room

34:13

because all I've wanted to do was shout at him because

34:15

that's the instinctive primal thing that I grew up with. I

34:17

think that I want to pay him in line. He should

34:20

not be talking to me like that. He should never hit

34:22

me. He should do this. And I like catch myself because

34:24

I'm like, I can't bring that in, but also it's so

34:26

in me. Yeah. Yeah. So it's me and it's like I'm

34:28

lying. I'm fighting against this thing. That's like really

34:31

me family. Yeah, definitely.

34:33

Shout angry. Everything. Yeah.

34:35

But I think the thing, the most important thing

34:37

like for what you're saying is that you recognize

34:39

it and that's how you break the cycle. Do

34:41

you know what I mean? You're not, nobody's perfect,

34:43

but you're trying your best and that's all you

34:46

can do. And I think that's what we have

34:48

to realize. Like you, when

34:50

you notice the pattern is to break it,

34:52

to try and break it, you're not going to

34:54

be able to break it straight away. But maybe you

34:56

might never break it, but he's

34:59

not going to be like that when he's a

35:01

parent. You know what I mean? And

35:04

I wonder if our generation have had the

35:06

biggest radical shift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like

35:09

my mom's life and my grandmother's life, not

35:11

similar, similar, like the G, contacts

35:13

and everything. They were growing up, then all

35:15

of my great grandparents' life, beyond that, all

35:17

in India. So all the same, really. This

35:19

generation is completely different. Oh my god. The chasm.

35:21

And the fact that we can do a podcast

35:23

about sex, this is a response. I mean, when

35:26

we started it, we were like shits and gigs.

35:28

No one's going to listen to it except those

35:30

six girls in Bradford or Birmingham. But now it's

35:32

turned into this thing because we know, I mean,

35:34

like I said, we were idiots because

35:36

we don't take things seriously. You can really

35:38

talk about serious topics because we're not preaching

35:40

or pontificating. Yeah. And there's lots of ways

35:42

to resolve trauma, right? Well,

35:46

I had acupuncture as it was really true. Acupuncture

35:50

is good, but I don't know. Because it's, yeah,

35:53

maybe physical. Because you do, because that went

35:55

with trauma as with every other kind

35:57

of thing, it manifests physically as well.

35:59

Yeah, absolutely. So anything that can help you

36:01

relive that. How do we heal? I

36:04

mean, breaking the cycle is one. I think, I've

36:06

got the answer for this. Yeah, I've got

36:08

the answer, honey. For me, it's talking. Do

36:11

you know what I mean? Like, go and do these comedy

36:13

shows and then I'll get Muslim women coming up afterwards

36:15

and saying, oh my God, I've been divorced

36:17

and I feel so shamed by my

36:20

family and stuff. But hearing you is so

36:22

refreshing. And sometimes people come up to me

36:24

like, do you know the amount of times

36:26

I burst into tears after shows? Because like

36:28

people come up and they're like, you don't

36:30

understand what you've done. You don't understand and

36:33

all this. And I'm, but

36:35

there's a pressure with that. Again, go into,

36:37

like, because

36:39

I'm this visibly identifiable Muslim woman,

36:42

but I'm not just a Muslim.

36:44

I'm fattier, I'm British, I'm Moroccan.

36:46

So East London now? Yeah, exactly, East London.

36:48

I'm a comedian. I'm a- There's

36:51

many layers to your identity. Yeah, there is. And

36:53

then sometimes because the way I look, I

36:55

get put in this box of like, they just

36:58

want you to talk about halal things. And

37:00

I'm like, yeah, but I'm talking about my experiences.

37:02

The things I talk about, I have lived.

37:05

That's why I'm talking about it. And that's

37:07

what makes comedy work, the relatability. That's why

37:09

this podcast is good because there's relatability. There's

37:11

people that are listening and going, shit, that's

37:13

me or that's happened to me. That's our

37:16

story, yeah. That's right. And yes, your honest story,

37:18

like you're not this, you haven't written this. I

37:20

feel like with trauma, I

37:22

feel like it waters

37:24

down. Do you know what I mean? You

37:26

mean like dilutes down. Like it

37:28

does, like, for example, when you were saying with your

37:30

son, like it's watering down,

37:33

do you know what I mean? And that's where

37:35

the change comes. I find things like,

37:37

if you're seeking a therapist,

37:39

for example, I would always

37:42

prefer to see a therapist that's North African

37:44

Arab or Middle Eastern, or

37:47

like that because they understand. There's so many things

37:49

I don't have to explain. You know,

37:51

like if you go to- The unsaid. The unsaid. If sometimes

37:53

I find like, if you go to a white person and

37:55

you go, I have to go to my mom's every week, otherwise

37:57

my family kicks off and they go, well, you don't have to

37:59

go. And I'm like, it's not that easy, though. Oh,

38:01

like white person. Yeah, I'm like, it's not that easy.

38:03

Maybe you can do that. My whole family would fall

38:05

apart if I did that. Yeah. I'm

38:08

just giving you an example. That's not the thing with my family. But

38:10

like, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, there is this,

38:12

I don't know. There's like, with us, we

38:14

can bond. Yeah. You know,

38:16

I know we're different. I know like

38:18

your Bangladeshi background. You say you're Indian

38:21

heritage, Bangladeshi heritage, Moroccan heritage. But we

38:23

can bond. Yeah. Look

38:25

at the things we've said. A Venn diagram is it. My

38:27

mom's like that. Yeah. And

38:29

I think that's the circle, you know, and

38:31

where we where we link and

38:34

connect on a lot of it and understand

38:36

like you can, you know, you

38:38

saying that thing about your mom in a sorry,

38:40

like my mom, we don't wear sorrys, but my

38:42

mom had the same experience of being it

38:45

being cold. You've come from this warm country

38:47

and you've come here and it's so cold.

38:50

Yeah. Yeah. And I remember

38:52

one of my friends, she came here as a teenager. She was like 12. And

38:55

she said, because in Morocco, in

38:57

our town, with all the buildings

38:59

are like white. That's why when

39:01

the bastard Spanish came and colonized

39:03

Morocco, they that's why Casablanca white

39:05

houses. Yeah. Because that

39:07

is houses white. The sun, white, was it all white?

39:09

No. Yeah. They're

39:12

all yeah. To reflect the fact that they call. But

39:14

that's why it's called Casablanca. They called it that, you

39:16

know. So and then she and I remember that was

39:18

the image she told me. She was like, I came

39:20

out. I came out. And now my

39:22

hands are all orange and the

39:25

houses are all gray. And that was the thing

39:27

that upset me the most. Like so great. Yeah.

39:30

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I

39:33

think like it's I think all of that

39:35

stuff of like like thinking that you're like

39:37

connected to your parents and their parents and

39:39

their parents, parents. I always find that when

39:41

my parents show me old photo albums and like

39:43

seeing my mom as a toddler and then

39:45

seeing like her mom as like a 20 year old

39:48

and you're like, oh my God, I have my grandmother's nose.

39:50

I've never met my grandmother. Never have ever met her. She died

39:52

before I was born. But I have her nose. I have a

39:54

smile. I have her hair. And I think about how my

39:56

mom must look at me sometimes and see how mom and

39:59

me. You're like so connected

40:01

to all of those things. Like

40:03

I remember the first time I went to India

40:05

and I was like, these people look like me.

40:07

Yeah. Like actually look like me because I'm like

40:09

not a conventional looking Indian Indian. But like there's

40:11

a bit in the north, in the mountains where

40:14

they look a bit more like me. You know,

40:16

my brother, so I've got some of my family

40:18

split. So my dad was married before my mom.

40:20

He had eight children and she passed away. And

40:23

then my mom was married before my dad and she had

40:25

three and then she got divorced. And then her

40:27

and my dad met and they got married and had me and

40:29

my sister here where the only two kids out of

40:31

all of them that are married. So

40:33

they were born here. But like

40:35

my brother's black because his dad's

40:37

from Sahara. But his sister, like

40:39

my brother from my mom's side,

40:41

his two sisters are not like

40:44

they're like my skin color. And

40:46

it's funny how it jumps. And when he

40:48

went to the Sahara to see his family, like

40:50

his dad's side of the family, he's got a

40:53

little brother that is like photocopy of him. And

40:55

his son, my mom's like, oh, my God, you look like

40:57

your uncle from your dad's side. Like

41:00

it's funny how it feeds

41:02

down into us, you know, like my mom's

41:04

always saying to me, she's like, oh, you've

41:06

got toenails like your your uncle. And

41:08

I'm like, I know. I'm like, why are you looking

41:10

at the man's toenails? You

41:13

know, and it's funny, like they're not

41:16

here. They're not with us, but we're

41:18

connected to them in some way. We're

41:20

physical, physicality. I also think

41:22

we're through food because sometimes when I eat like a

41:24

meal that I know that my mom's mom's pad or

41:27

like like when you eat something spicy and you like

41:29

love it and you're like sharing that enjoyment with you. And you're like,

41:31

this is like we've enjoyed this spice

41:33

like haldi. We've enjoyed haldi for

41:36

generations and generations. Anything wrong in my house, my mom's

41:38

like, but hold it in it. Yes. So as a

41:40

as a British Bangladeshi and I think a lot

41:42

of a lot of second generation kids have this.

41:45

We don't have a concept of history. So like beyond

41:47

my granddad, I have no idea where

41:49

I'm from. I don't know. My granddad once wrote

41:51

me the names of all of my his

41:53

dad, his dad's dad. And I fucking lost

41:55

it and it makes me cry. But anyway, I guess I could

41:58

get it from my dad, but I need to do this. But

42:00

I'm. I. Sometimes wonder about the

42:03

personality of my like great. Great.

42:05

Grandma like. Issue Like may

42:07

issue that my mom. She. Fiery,

42:09

she flees d. Like.

42:11

She would have been born maybe a hundred and sixty years

42:13

ago of is it was a different time. I

42:15

don't think about them often because it

42:17

feels so long ago. But as is,

42:19

sometimes think about like. With. They are.

42:21

They let me have a I like I'm I'm

42:23

looking to wedding once and I'm getting my lay

42:26

and as much as a family wedding I gotta

42:28

let another added or whatever not find any one

42:30

another. So my mom on the dance floor like.

42:33

For I was really with that he was

42:35

uses that I was like whoa that's a

42:37

wedge dances like me and then I'm thinking

42:39

like oh my god I wonder how many

42:41

generations by of people dance this very like

42:43

way that seat on the other things I

42:45

did for fun glue them as roma when

42:47

I'm from what I what they did he

42:49

actually matter but you know my dad rely

42:51

taking photographs. Growing up Siegel and items like he

42:53

did it was weird. Some motorists us and south

42:55

unlike made his films and like.leaders of Fun and

42:57

Like wasn't my Monday for fun. Have somebody a

43:00

lying is an air. It's like you're so right

43:02

because when I think back to my mom and

43:04

my mom's mom and my mom and my non

43:06

his mom I just think of the tomb of

43:08

and how sad it must be. But surely they

43:10

would have had like moment slightly with their fantasy

43:12

setting maybe before they were married would they do

43:15

for fun What made them Law and my sweetheart

43:17

like we like top when they took by being

43:19

around their families like my mom who is. Like

43:21

on when we were like yeah like runs

43:23

my uncle's house and because he worked in

43:25

the cinema his weapons enemies that easy at

43:27

the real the film and bring them and

43:29

projects them on the house and they would

43:31

get that money Like the i Love Seeing

43:33

film that I may I think the most

43:35

magical yes I disease and she loves being

43:37

around her family that that a happy basically.

43:39

In conclusion with our ancestors as you the

43:41

female ones. Pre. Marriage Happy

43:43

Both married either access

43:45

to say. The learning from

43:48

say that that as get married

43:50

I'm about to say that and

43:52

do not live insane number I

43:54

can. Don't live in footage and about

43:56

it. I do and otherwise it will.

43:58

Yeah, I get whatever works. you man

44:00

just do whatever makes you happy you know and

44:02

break the cycle and keep talking right that's right and

44:04

carry the smiles of your mother rather than here yes

44:07

and yeah definitely remember the good times yeah we used

44:09

to go to the beach a lot with this place

44:11

in morocca we always used to go to always

44:14

growing up agatia no i know the

44:16

only place i can either other than

44:18

mara again it's called larach and 99

44:20

of the people from moroccan from west

44:22

london are from there i think that's

44:25

another thing i've carried though the like desire

44:27

for sunshine yes oh god yes and i've

44:29

always said to my partner i was

44:31

like we need to turn the heating on he's like it's fine

44:33

i'm like sorry my people come from hot i'm

44:35

used to hot as well you know like what you

44:38

said is well you know like when you're eating something

44:40

and you like i can tell stuff in food i can

44:42

be like oh my god there's cinnamon in this oh

44:44

my god there's turmeric in this i can tell you

44:46

know like and it brings you back it brings you

44:48

back to and it smells and tastes you

44:50

that definitely there's nothing like your mom's food

44:53

oh my god and everyone does a mom off

44:55

don't they my mom's cooking but yeah my mom's

44:57

cooking is actually there mommy's dropped off the map

44:59

mama povani she came to me and i was

45:02

like mom what is this oh it's the last

45:04

one just the last one oh my god

45:06

that is so i

45:08

don't know my mom's my mom calls us before she's gonna

45:10

come over and be like get your orders in whatever and

45:12

want get your order yeah like my mom does

45:14

she like she cooked couscous the other week and

45:16

she was like fed her because i live i

45:19

don't i live on my own and she's like fed her

45:21

do you want some and i'm like no mom it

45:23

just makes me sad i like

45:25

to eat when we're all together yeah and then you

45:27

just overeat all the stuff they give you anyway you

45:29

take the tupperwares and you're like i'm gonna share this

45:31

i'm gonna share this and by the time you've got

45:33

home they're empty this is it i've eaten the card

45:35

door and the other card door and i'll do a

45:37

match as well i eat when she when our food's

45:39

cooking i'll be eating over the pan if you go

45:41

back to home i'm gonna literally like fry

45:44

put to the side then they'd be gone

45:46

fry put aside gone rosy hot rosy hot

45:48

rosy on the buser gone i'm

45:50

like just a beer guy there's a kid there i'm

45:53

such a crazy like i've always

45:56

fine like with my make really just eat as you

45:58

go we're in asian mud Well, I just,

46:01

ethnic moms are like, they cook the feast and

46:03

they lay it out on the table. And I

46:05

was like, but that might love a food that

46:07

greed, that kind of hand. That's so like, that's

46:09

a cultural thing. Like I remember going to, when

46:12

I went to university in Edinburgh having dinner, somebody had

46:14

made a really nice Thai curry and I like put

46:16

my finger on the plate and I took some sauce

46:18

and I put it in my mouth and this girl

46:20

was like, what are you doing? And

46:22

I was like, a lot. And I was like ashamed and

46:24

eating with your hands. I was embarrassed to eat with my

46:26

hands. I was like being greedy and like feeling safe-fated and

46:28

I think all of us just talk and eat and talk

46:30

and eat and talk and eat. But that's the ethnic way.

46:32

Like you're around a dinner table, there's only six of you,

46:34

but you could feed 50 and

46:36

your mom would be embarrassed if there wasn't enough

46:38

food and you talk and you eat and you

46:41

talk and you go, give me that. Thank

46:44

you so much for coming on Brown Girls Doo

46:46

Doo. Thank you for having me. I've had a lovely time. It

46:48

was great meeting you. I need to say

46:50

these kinds of platforms are really important because

46:52

we're not, there's no one type of brown

46:54

girl. No. We are women

46:56

and we have different walks of life, different experiences

46:59

and they need to be shared. We're

47:01

not on our own. There are other women like us

47:03

and we need to share it, like speak. You know what

47:05

I mean? We're always like, as

47:08

ethnic women, always like be quiet, do

47:11

good, don't shout back. Yeah,

47:13

don't be fiery, don't be this, don't

47:15

be that. And we're

47:18

not, we've got to be ourselves. Be true

47:20

to yourself. There are others like you.

47:22

You are perfect as you are. There

47:24

is nothing wrong with you. Like just

47:27

have it bruv, innit? Have it bruv.

47:33

We all come from long

47:36

ancestral roots. Humans have been on this planet for

47:38

a long time and there's multiple traumas

47:41

that are grandparents and parents

47:43

experience and the stuff that will carry but there's also

47:45

all this good shit. And if

47:47

you can carry the good shit and like

47:50

live your best life, that is the biggest justice

47:52

you can do to ancestors. Cause they'll be looking

47:54

down on you or looking up at you or.

47:57

See Mula, looking through you. See Mula, little dancer.

48:00

just come out. Yes! Oh

48:02

yeah! Be your true self. If you can

48:04

do, if you can remember the good shit, it helps

48:06

you carry the bad shit. Yeah, I

48:08

think that's great. That's a great piece of

48:10

advice. Thanks for listening to this episode. If

48:13

you feel impacted by the conversation

48:15

we just had, there are lots

48:18

of great resources available at bbc.co.uk/action

48:20

live. And if you have

48:22

any thoughts or questions, you can email

48:25

us at browngirlsdoittoo at bbc.co.uk.

48:27

Or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note

48:29

to 07968 10822.