Once in a while, we do something that marks a “before” and “after.” This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by

I Drew Attention to Myself Physically - Number 49

Dec 15th, 2020 8m 9s

So much of my life has been spent worrying about what other people think. I stressed over what people would think of how I was dressed, my hair, my makeup or lack thereof, my weight, my shoes, whether the colors I was wearing suited my complexi

I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing - Number 48

Dec 10th, 2020 7m 37s

When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don’t watch. We don’t look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? Someone will take away the scary or gross thing, the scene in the movie will be over and you’ll be ab

I Approached a Group of Fans at the Pole - Number 47

Dec 8th, 2020 6m 43s

Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, “What if I interrupt and they stare

I Talked to Gillian Without a Shield - Number 46

Dec 3rd, 2020 6m 3s

I’ve spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I’ve repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn’t gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I’ve been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regr

I Went Out on the Deck of the Viewing Area at Tate Modern - Number 45

Nov 30th, 2020 5m 11s

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush and momentum from riding the London Eye because, not long after, I found myself deciding to attempt yet another height related challenge. Our Airbnb host told us where to find one of the best views of the cit

I Stood at the Window - Number 44

Nov 26th, 2020 6m 36s

I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn’t know if I was capable of more. I wouldn’t have seen the view which looked so very diffe

I Rode the London Eye - Number 43

Nov 24th, 2020 6m 58s

I have always been terrified of heights. I don’t like rides that go up in the air. I’m also afraid of drowning. I’m not a good swimmer and I have asthma which adds another layer of anxiety for me. The one absolute I had when we were planning ou

I Didn't Numb Out - Number 42

Nov 19th, 2020 8m 45s

It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. We don’t have to look very far for ways to distract ourselves. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. This

I Got Tattoos - Number 41

Nov 17th, 2020 10m 26s

Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded e

I Pumped Gas - Number 40

Nov 12th, 2020 5m 8s

When you struggle with anxiety and/or social phobia it is very easy to avoid certain tasks or situations and let someone else do them for you. It seems helpful at the moment and it can be hard to see the downside. For me, the downside was that

I Let an Artist Draw My Face - Number 39

Nov 10th, 2020 5m 20s

I am surrounded by people who live to get their pictures taken. They do photoshoots for fun. I am not one of those people. I’ve always hated getting my picture taken and struggle with the vulnerability that comes with being “seen.” When we prod

I Shared My First Draft With Someone - Number 38

Nov 5th, 2020 7m 29s

I struggled with perfectionism for much of my life. I have improved a lot over the years, but not when it comes to my writing. Sharing my early writing is something I only do with Rob and Molly. I don’t let others see it until it is more compl

Bonus

I Attempted the Gym on a Saturday - Number 37

Nov 3rd, 2020 11m 42s

So often I have kept my life small by avoiding situations that scared me. The only way out of that pattern is to root out where you are still stuck and push through the fear. Sometimes you need to follow the path to its conclusion and other ti

Beta'd - Number 36

Oct 29th, 2020 6m 2s

I have always tried to control my environment in order to feel safe. I don’t like to even go to a restaurant without reading everything on their menu. I don’t like surprises and I sure as hell don’t like to do anything without knowing the rule

Volunteered to be on a Podcast I Didn't Know - Number 35

Oct 26th, 2020 5m 29s

Sometimes things ended up on my list because I pushed through tremendous fear to achieve them and then there are times like this where the list takes on a mind of its own. I was gaining so much confidence by this point that I was jumping in be

Made a Phone Call - Number 34

Oct 21st, 2020 6m 40s

I’ve always hated to make or receive phone calls. I’m sometimes okay once they get started, depending on the person and the reason for the call. More often than not, however, I end up talking over the person or having awkward silences. Video c

Played in the Snow - Number 33

Oct 20th, 2020 6m 24s

One of the hardest things for me to face on this journey was the loss of my playful side. I used to be fun and I wanted it back so I took a chance. I was so scared that it was gone completely, but I pushed through the fear, put on a thousand p

Bought Tickets to a Play in London - Number 32

Oct 15th, 2020 7m 16s

Sometimes an idea is planted and we allow the door to open just a crack. We allow ourselves to think, “What if?” Or “Maybe that could work for me, too.” And sometimes it takes on a life of its own and becomes more than we ever dared imagine. Th

Worked on My Sleep Habits - Number 31

Oct 13th, 2020 7m

I’ve always been jealous of people who could use sleep as an escape. Sleep, for me, has always been a struggle. I wanted it to be a time of peace and rest, but it was often the opposite. Hypervigilance, fear, and anxiety were my constant nightt

Rejoined the Gym - Number 30

Oct 8th, 2020 5m 53s

Some of the items are very straightforward and there’s a clear reason it’s on the list. For this one, there are so many reasons. I had to get past the financial fears, taking resources for myself, going somewhere alone, wearing workout clothe

Went Back - Number 29

Oct 6th, 2020 7m 4s

Grief is brutal. Just when you think you’re through the worst part and are back on your feet, a wave hits and you’re swept back in the water. I avoided going back because I didn’t want to relive that horrible experience the day my dad died. I

Called My Mom - Number 28

Oct 1st, 2020 12m 21s

One of the harshest realities that I have ever had to face is that sometimes we are born into a family we don’t belong in. Sometimes we stay longer than perhaps we should have because we so desperately want to make it not be so. There are so m

Acted in a Commercial - Number 27

Sep 29th, 2020 5m 11s

As hard as some of the items on my list have been, it’s times like these that really made me question why I ever started this project! I was making progress, by once again getting paid, so I could see how the list was changing me and changing o

Accepted Positive Personal Feedback - Number 26

Sep 24th, 2020 5m 48s

I listened to the tape recorder in my head that repeated what my abusers used to tell me. As a result, I allowed the voices of the people who surrounded me and truly loved me to be drowned out. My therapist had me do an exercise where I asked p