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per order. Additional terms apply. So...

0:33

Am I saying spatula wrong? Am

0:35

I saying it wrong? No, were

0:38

you saying it wrong? You were saying as

0:40

spatula. As spatula or spatula? Is it as

0:42

spatula? As spatula. Did I say it right?

0:45

I used to say as spatula. You

0:47

were saying as spatula. I was.

0:50

Top's Off World Tour. Portland, Maine on the 25th.

0:55

Uncastable Connecticut. Reading, Pennsylvania. Fayetteville,

0:58

North Carolina. Fackerville, May 16th.

1:01

Tulsa, an ending in Austin, May 18th.

1:03

Top's Off World Tour. This

1:05

year, you had

1:08

to get walled. Is it bazooka gum?

1:10

Yes. So

1:13

good. You know what, this is good. You know

1:15

the stuff with the baseball cards? Yeah, yeah. Sort

1:17

of like powder. It wasn't fresh. Yeah. This

1:20

is fresh. My

1:22

favorite thing to do in the world is to microwave

1:24

bazooka gum in 10 seconds. Oh, I love you. No,

1:29

I'll tell you why I say that because it

1:31

sounds absurd or sarcastic because I think I need

1:33

to put a pillow under me. Is that all

1:35

right? That one or this one? I don't really

1:37

want to do anything. You don't have to do a

1:39

passion. I sit crisscross applesauce

1:42

all the fucking time. Do you always say David Spade?

1:44

Really? His back hurts or

1:46

something. I like how they write it off. Yeah. Oh,

1:49

he does actually. I think he does have a bad back. He needs a special

1:51

chair. Yeah. Here we go. You

1:57

know what? I'm going to get this over here. Yeah. Get

2:00

yourself settled, really get yourself comfortable. Thank you.

2:02

Thank you. Yeah. You know, this is so

2:04

embarrassing. But I'm going to admit it, because

2:06

you know, Mr. Roger said if it's mentionable,

2:09

it's manageable. For more serious things, I think.

2:11

I'm telling you what, it applies to everything.

2:14

The other night I asked him, does your crotch ever

2:16

get off-centered on stage and you hurt the fucking picture?

2:19

I cannot continue my

2:21

show. And I'm being,

2:23

and I, but you're afraid to ask somebody that,

2:25

because what if they go, no? Yeah. You

2:28

know? That's

2:31

so weird. We were playing football when

2:33

we were in, I was in seventh grade, and you

2:35

had to wear a tail pad. And because the tail

2:37

pad was so tight and you had hip pads, it

2:40

was like a girdle. You couldn't itch your butthole. And

2:43

my butthole always, always itched. And

2:45

I remember, I thought I was the only

2:48

one. And then turns out, not

2:50

just Dane and Louie had itchy buttholes, but

2:52

this kid was, I was like, said

2:55

something. He goes, what's the matter? My

2:58

butthole's itching. And he goes, oh, mine itches all the

3:00

time. And it was like a connecting moment. And

3:03

I was like, what do you do? And he goes, fart real hard.

3:05

And I went, really? And he was like, yeah, fart

3:07

real hard. And then I was like, waiting for a

3:09

fart. And I just had to go

3:12

in and itch my butthole. You know,

3:14

that's exactly in the same league. Because

3:16

it's like, and you

3:18

just, wait, was I going to say about

3:20

this? Never mind. No, my big one, I'm

3:22

going to be honest with you, this

3:25

is probably one of the biggest conversations I ever had in

3:28

life. Was with my buddy, Obi, on

3:30

a beach. And he said,

3:32

hey, man, can I talk to you about something kind

3:36

of private? And I said, yeah. And he goes, there's

3:39

a thing that we all make fun of,

3:42

but I do. And I'm

3:45

wondering if you do it too. I

3:47

said, what are you talking about? He's like, you know, you

3:50

ever do something where it's like, everyone says that

3:52

if you do it, it means you're gay. And I go,

3:55

yeah, I know you're talking about. He goes, I do it. And

3:57

I go, I do it too. talking

4:00

about jerking off right now yeah yeah yeah yeah

4:02

yeah yeah yeah and we were and it was

4:04

but you weren't talking no we were both talking

4:06

about jerking off and when we were kids

4:08

they said if in our high school they said if you

4:10

jerked off it meant you were gay and

4:12

I did well you playing with a cop all

4:15

the time yeah and and and it was it

4:17

was I was I don't mean I just came

4:19

out of the closet to myself I was like

4:21

I guess I'm this weird gay guy who only

4:23

likes my dick and I I'm into women but

4:26

I guess I can't stop I tried to stop

4:28

jerking off and I couldn't stop I couldn't stop

4:31

and I had that moment with Obi on the beach and I was

4:33

like and then it

4:36

was like fucking crazy like almost like coming out to your

4:38

friends and we went to our buddy we Cho we're like

4:40

him and we both jerk off do

4:42

you jerk off and he's like yeah yeah I do

4:44

I do I do I haven't told anybody and I

4:46

was like okay it's not a secret you have to

4:48

keep anymore and then and then Todd I swear to

4:50

God I swear to God cuz

4:53

this is such a different reality than my

4:55

reality cuz I didn't have that fear well

4:57

I had it for real reason but we

5:02

went to college three months

5:04

later and all anyone talked about was jerking

5:06

off well anyone talked about was jerking

5:08

off and I was like wow holy

5:10

fuck and then you'd meet the one kid who goes no I

5:13

don't do it you're like oh you're still in the closet with

5:15

your friends you can come out it's okay

5:17

we did have a kid that said he only and I

5:19

he has had an accent I still remember he goes I

5:21

only touch it when I'm washing it and

5:23

we're like you probably wash it all day long

5:26

look at him scrubbing his how many times his

5:28

mom how many times are you gonna wash you

5:30

you know when when when oh when you hear

5:32

about like oh that age when you're when

5:39

you're finding out about yourself and yeah high school

5:41

year it's after that but around whatever 13 14

5:44

13 when you start to like you know

5:46

and I hear about it it wasn't like I

5:49

really thought about it like yeah I was as bad

5:51

as everybody else I would do it with my brother

5:53

in the room he was over to desk

5:55

and I was like in the bed like so when you think about

5:57

that how out of control did I have to beat a guy I

6:00

gotta do it. I can't stop myself. I

6:02

wonder I wonder I mean yeah,

6:04

I would do it I this is sounds even worse But

6:08

I would do it like because we always slept

6:10

in beds as boys and you slept in the

6:12

same bed It'd be like a king

6:14

bed or a queen bed. Maybe a full bed I slept in

6:16

a full bed with a dude one time and And

6:19

I would do it like he's

6:21

asleep. All right, I'm good, you know And I

6:23

never even thought about it and I now I

6:26

wonder how many dudes were just laying awake and

6:28

getting it going What the fuck is he doing?

6:30

Well, I mean it's a rollover on me. Everybody

6:32

probably caught everybody You know what? I wanted to

6:35

say I've never said this on a podcast because

6:37

I forget. Is it the n-word? I'm I'm

6:41

so vain That

6:43

I go home and I look what I look like a

6:45

lot and I feel good today. I feel good I got

6:47

a good haircut the other day. I feel good And

6:50

then I go home and I look at it and I'm like, oh and

6:52

I go I have to I go I Just

6:54

like it's like when you're out and you look in a

6:57

you leave the house feeling good like you guys feel

6:59

good I'm not and then you one bad mirror can

7:01

put you in a foul mood or one good mirror

7:03

like the mirrors They have at some hotels where you

7:05

get in you're like, well, I look fucking good today

7:08

And it's just the mirrors fucked up and it just

7:10

makes you look longer. I Don't

7:12

know why they don't make all mirrors like that I'll tell

7:14

you what I want to know and I'm not I don't

7:16

know how to tell this I know there's a way I

7:18

don't want someone to tell me well on the camera I

7:21

want him that I want a service that I look in

7:23

one mirror and I think I think I look good I

7:25

really don't not playing. Oh, oh, I'm ugly or anything if

7:27

I look at one man I go actually like the way

7:29

I look if that's what I look like Hey today's a

7:31

good day if I found out but then I look at

7:33

another mirror and I don't look so good I know it's

7:35

lighting and all that but what I want to know which

7:37

one do I look closest to? Somebody

7:40

tell me I'll brace myself. I'll

7:42

brace myself I just want

7:44

to know like because some days I

7:46

feel really good. I look in

7:48

the mirror I'm like Jesus Christ is that I

7:51

get again. I hate that I give a shit

7:53

so much like I care I got I got

7:55

vain when I was drinking my hardest

7:57

and I was doing podcasts. I would come up really

7:59

red really, really red my

8:01

cheeks. And I never gave

8:03

a fuck about what I looked like on a podcast. I

8:05

never thought about it once. And

8:07

then I started, so I was unhealthy, people started pointing

8:09

it out, God damn it, he's fucking red as fuck.

8:11

And then I got really vain. And then at a

8:13

certain point, I started going like, should I

8:15

get hair and makeup for podcasts? Because I'm just

8:17

like a lot of it is I spend time in the sun. But

8:20

then the other part is I was

8:22

fucking high blood pressure, fucking red cheeks.

8:25

And then I was like, you, it's

8:27

crazy. I got caught in this conundrum. So I was like,

8:29

the internet would mock me if they found out I was

8:31

going through hair and makeup to do

8:34

a podcast. But I would only do it

8:36

so it doesn't distract them so they can hear the

8:38

podcast. But I, if

8:40

it's mentionable, it's manageable. I looked

8:43

at, I looked

8:45

at, who was it today? Arnold

8:48

Schwarzenegger. I think he's the fucking

8:50

best. I love that guy. And

8:52

I for the first time saw sunspots on his

8:54

face. And I know because he spent a ton

8:56

of time in the sun. Yeah. And

8:59

I see those on my face. I wish I could just

9:01

get, I would love to get all my sunspots removed. Get

9:03

them lasered. I don't even know how I don't know everything

9:05

about it. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

9:09

I've done. I've been in the lasers, you know,

9:11

someone that I know that knows a lot about them as lasers have

9:13

been around for some lasers have been around

9:15

for 20 years. They're just using them now for different

9:17

reasons. Really? But yeah, lasers are

9:19

amazing. Like, because I know what you mean. You see a

9:21

little bit here. Right here. I got,

9:24

I got, I've had one when I started working in a travel channel,

9:26

I was in the sun all the time and I noticed it one

9:28

day after a lot of sun and I went, Oh, that's crazy. I've

9:31

never, and I never even thought about it. And now it

9:33

won't, it's always there. The

9:35

less I'm in the sun, the more it starts to

9:37

go away. But I fucking love being in the sun.

9:39

I love being, I love getting in a

9:41

pool. I love getting cold and then having the

9:44

sun warm me. It gives, it takes my

9:46

anxiety away when I get in the sun. You

9:48

know, probably I've never liked the sun. I mean, I

9:50

liked the day and I can appreciate, you know, but,

9:52

but the hardcore sun, you know, I always, I always

9:54

feel I don't look great in the sun, you know,

9:56

in the sun to be honest with you. But,

9:59

but, uh, Speaking

10:01

of lasers, I

10:03

went to this place called Rivkin Aesthetics. I

10:06

know the name Rivkin Aesthetics and I did

10:08

some lasers and I was really happy. Really?

10:11

Sometimes you do something you're like, oh right,

10:14

oh there was no doubt about it. Really?

10:17

And yeah, so it's a, but even at

10:19

the simple dermatologist with those, I'll just keep

10:21

up on it. If I see one

10:23

dermatologist so close to my house, I go zap

10:25

it off, just keep it as healthy as I

10:27

can keep it, you know. But also,

10:30

like everybody I also want to embrace not

10:32

being obsessed with it. I hate, I

10:34

almost shaved my head about two months ago.

10:37

Really? Just one of those days

10:39

I thought, just because the hair's on my head, like if

10:41

you see something with hair it's covered in their head, but

10:43

it's not attractive anymore. No, but you've had the same hair

10:45

for 20 years. Well today it

10:47

feels, today it feels good. You have had the exact same

10:49

hair for 19 years. Well I've

10:51

done some work to that too. For real? Yeah.

10:55

I was thinking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:57

I did PRP. Oh

10:59

is that where they inject the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:03

I think absolutely. God damn it!

11:06

Absolutely. See, there is a thing. But do you, let me

11:08

see your hair. Do you care? Oh,

11:11

you're gonna, I look like now I'm working for it.

11:13

But also, hold on, before I go down this path,

11:15

which is like later I'll see it and I'll be

11:17

like, oh, Todd, were you being, like, isn't

11:20

it, I guess it's better to try to get

11:22

ahead of this stuff and not worry about it. No, oh, you

11:24

thought I might get ahead of it and do it, which I

11:26

mean that too. But like, to not

11:28

let it bother you so much. To not let

11:30

it bother you is the thing that

11:32

if, like I think sometimes when we

11:34

talk, I am

11:37

a very sensitive person

11:39

and I'm a very thoughtful

11:42

person and I sometimes wonder why

11:45

my fans like me because I feel like I'm too

11:47

sensitive. Now I know there's dudes listening to the podcast

11:49

going like, are these, is this really

11:51

two men talking about getting laser treatment? Like

11:53

they're women? I go, yeah, I am because

11:55

I do think about that. I do think

11:57

about like when I remember, here's what. thing

12:00

about aging the first second

12:02

you start losing your hair that

12:04

is the first dig

12:07

of the grave if you're that's your

12:09

mortality showing up when you start

12:11

losing your hair as a man that's when you

12:13

realize oh shit I'm not a child anymore like

12:15

I know I'm losing my hair yeah

12:17

it's fucks it people up it did I was

12:19

like whoa let's go and by the way what

12:21

you just said I really want to soak that

12:23

in as far as because I'm aware of it

12:25

I'm sitting here I would not talk about this

12:27

um you know

12:30

I don't know how many years ago maybe four

12:32

years ago you know and and then when I

12:34

see other people talk about it actually

12:37

Daniel Tosh was just talking about this or somebody's

12:39

talking about honest you know honest like whatever they

12:41

do with it men always did this stuff they're

12:43

just embarrassed yeah look they just kept it a

12:46

secret but you know how I know because me

12:48

and you are two guys and if we're thinking

12:50

it everyone's thinking everyone's saying it

12:52

so so so

12:54

um so

12:57

I thought like I wouldn't normally talk about this but

12:59

when I see someone else go just just be honest

13:01

just get ahead you know it

13:03

makes me more confident I saw so that's why when

13:05

you brought it up I would have just gotten out

13:07

of it three years ago I would have just changed

13:10

this not change the subject nervously but just gone yeah

13:12

you know I do whatever I can do but now

13:14

I think well ever you know why not talk

13:16

about it it makes you know I think about

13:18

losing weight too is all of a sudden you

13:21

feel better about yourself when you see

13:23

yourself in the mirror and you'd like what you see as opposed

13:26

to I used to wake up and I go

13:28

to the bathroom in the mornings and I would

13:30

walk past the mirror and I would see my

13:32

body in the side profile like an Alfred Hitchcock

13:34

and I was so fat that I would see

13:36

that and I would go why do I even

13:39

have fucking mirrors why do I even have fucking

13:41

mirrors they just have bad news for me it's

13:43

like Twitter I'm looking at a fucking mirror not

13:45

liking what I see how about how about when

13:47

you walk by mirror and no one's in the

13:49

hotel you're all by yourself and I'm sucking my

13:51

gut in but what the fuck am I

13:53

doing what am I doing but I'm

13:55

sucking my gut and even for myself

13:57

like come on time can't you be

14:00

Because you know people that stick

14:02

their stomach out, with pride, maybe

14:04

they're 30 pounds overweight, which I've been, you know, I

14:06

just get bigger shirts, I wear the jackets, I know

14:09

what to do. But they just

14:11

stick it out. I used to not in my act, but

14:13

sort of make fun of them, go, hey, don't they kill

14:15

me? But then I think one day

14:17

I just stuck it out. I

14:19

was like, oh, and I went, oh

14:21

my God, it feels so good,

14:24

just to let it go finally. You know,

14:26

real quick, my sister-in-law said, because I made

14:28

a joke, I said, folks on stage, when she

14:31

was in the audience, I go, you know the hardest part about doing stand

14:33

up, a lot of people don't know this, is sucking your gut in for

14:35

an hour and 15 minutes. I go, I'm sucking it

14:37

in right now. So later she asked me if

14:39

that was true, and I go, it must

14:42

be on stage, you know. And she

14:44

goes, you're gonna get so much more

14:46

tired, you're not taking

14:48

normal breathing patterns. Really? So,

14:50

which made total sense as soon as she said it, you're

14:52

holding your gut in, it's not good

14:54

for you, you know. I try to stand right. There

14:58

is a faux personality that exists.

15:00

I saw this, I don't know

15:03

if it was like a documentary.

15:06

It was about a fat kid,

15:09

big kid in his friend of

15:11

groups. Maybe his name's Killie

15:13

Willy or whatever. Like he's got the goofy

15:15

big fat guy name. I'm

15:17

saying fat guy mean, and I don't mean it

15:19

mean, because I identify with this guy very closely.

15:23

And he'd see

15:25

him having fun, and he was a life at

15:27

the party, but then they'd cut to him like

15:30

around midnight, and he'd just be a little

15:32

drunk, and no one was talking to

15:35

him, and everyone was paired up with girls, and he'd be by

15:37

himself. Wait, where did you see this on time? I fucking don't

15:39

know. I don't know. And

15:41

he came out and he... It's

15:48

me, Todd, it's me. So no,

15:50

go ahead, go ahead. It's

15:52

so, it's so... Holy shit.

16:02

Oh my god, like I didn't get the joke that

16:04

you're like when I said fishy I didn't mean that

16:06

I got that I went all like don't there was

16:08

this kid This kid is

16:10

overweight life of the party this kid Stand

16:14

alone a little drunk. No one wanted to

16:16

talk to him. Um, did you were you

16:18

mid-sentence? No Oh, so I was you know

16:20

when you just said like um

16:24

You know you're sensitive you said you said

16:26

because I'm very sensitive I know I Connect

16:30

easier with sensitive people. Yeah, I'm very It's

16:33

very yes. Yes, and by the way, I

16:35

don't think there's a fine line between sensitive

16:37

and then where it's problematic Yeah,

16:40

I don't think it's problematic. I'm sensitive

16:42

I'd but Isn't

16:44

everybody deep down? No,

16:48

no, no Tom's girl is not sensitive at all.

16:51

He has no sensitivity in him He is

16:53

it's I think sometimes he is he is

16:56

Like if you were gonna say Tom's an elbow when I'm

16:58

the head of a penis When it

17:00

talks to like sensitivity like I feel it

17:03

all you're positive and by the way, what if you

17:05

ask Tom? You don't even have to tell us what

17:07

it is. Like what if you said the Tom? You

17:09

don't have to tell us what it is. But are

17:11

there things you're sensitive about? No,

17:13

it's okay so, you know, I guess when

17:15

I'm things things that things that

17:19

Would maybe Keep

17:22

me up at night Tom has

17:24

the ability to just say yeah,

17:27

I'm not gonna deal with that. I thought I

17:29

thought on my radar Well, there's the healthy side

17:31

of that obvious. There is a healthy side, but

17:33

he just goes. Yeah, I don't really give a

17:35

fuck Yeah, I also different from sensitive. Yeah, like

17:37

but like if you said

17:40

if you said that Tom I

17:44

Like even if like with his weight

17:46

he'd go who's like, yeah, I was gonna lose

17:48

weight. I'd be curious to

17:51

see What a therapist would

17:53

say about that. I would love to do couples

17:55

therapy with him. By the way, I did

17:59

couples therapy once with a friend. Really?

18:01

And it was, most people don't do it.

18:03

What made me think about it was a

18:06

friend of mine, there's corporate therapists. When you're

18:08

two people in a corporation and I went,

18:10

oh, that's like, and

18:12

I thought everything I learned in couples counseling, I

18:14

apply it to friends anyway. Everything

18:17

I learned in couples counseling with

18:19

my XX, I apply

18:21

to friendships and it's good and

18:23

I'm glad that I do it and it makes me a

18:27

better friend for doing it. Is it similar,

18:29

if you are in a

18:32

gay relationship and you guys break up,

18:35

can you maintain a friendship

18:37

or is it just like straight relationships where you're

18:39

like, yeah, fuck that bitch. You know, I bet

18:41

it's the same in both. It

18:48

takes more than both people being mature

18:50

and nobody wronged anybody in a vicious way.

18:52

Let's put all that out. It just didn't

18:54

work. You're two mature people. No one did

18:57

anything wrong. I've

19:00

had two relationships, my XX, my first relationship

19:02

I was ever in, we're still very close.

19:05

Yeah. But we both, he's

19:07

the one who said it's time to let, he wanted

19:09

to break up, but to be, I was honest with

19:12

him because I didn't think it was fair to be,

19:14

would have been mean to him to know

19:16

I was thinking the same thing. Like I

19:18

adored him, I loved him. To

19:21

the last day, I wanted him around whenever we

19:24

had friends over, he made me laugh so hard,

19:26

but the romance was out of the relationship. Not

19:29

the love, but the room. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah,

19:31

yeah. We still adored each other. And so

19:33

it was good for me too. I'd just come out

19:35

of the closet and it was good for me to

19:37

be able to go and I wasn't ready to, I'm

19:39

not 980 where I meet someone and go, well, we'll

19:41

be friends. And then with my

19:43

last relationship, we broke up, but it was the same

19:45

thing. I think luckily because

19:47

someone that's that close to you, it is

19:50

nicer to have them in your life

19:53

and we're close too. So I think

19:55

it depends on each situation. Long answer

19:57

for a short question. No, no. I

20:00

like to know that the romance disappears in

20:02

those relationships too. Yeah,

20:04

it does. Because every one of

20:06

mine that I ended or

20:08

that I didn't really end any I just usually

20:11

cheated on people. But I was

20:14

I would I just was like, this

20:17

isn't here. I'm not I'm not here.

20:19

I don't want to be with you

20:21

sexually and I'm done. And

20:23

I but I never I never I wish I'd had the

20:26

maybe I'd be a different person. This

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20:59

here's the deal. I worked on this in therapy. We

21:01

have a group of friends in LA. And

21:03

I just text the word party. I just want to get together.

21:05

I want to have dinner. I want to have drinks. I write

21:08

party. What I found is Leanne

21:10

once it would go out, everyone would start

21:12

replying. And then Leanne would feel like a

21:14

wet rag because she was like, hey, I

21:17

don't want to be around people. But it was already the

21:19

cat was already out of the thing. We talked about this

21:21

in therapy. I talked about this in therapy. So now what

21:23

I do is I text party to Leanne. And

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then she says yes or no, she's up for

21:27

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22:22

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22:24

is I'm probably going to get

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flagged by the company for this, but I like to enjoy

22:29

mine. I like to take my time with it. So what

22:31

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22:34

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23:13

said that till the end of the day. I said,

23:16

there's two things I wanted to

23:18

say to you that are Todd and last thoughts. Because

23:22

I like the way your brain works.

23:24

One was Isla. This is brilliant. She

23:26

said to me the other day, she's

23:28

a smart kid, but she goes, wait, are we

23:30

at work? We're sunset people. I said,

23:33

what do you mean? She goes, you chose to live in

23:35

California so you can see sunsets, right?

23:37

And I went, no, I chose

23:39

to because it's where the industry is. And she goes, wait,

23:41

people don't choose to live so they

23:43

can see their sunset or sunrise. And I

23:46

said, maybe everyone sees a sunrise. She goes, no,

23:48

but on the ocean. Do people move to

23:50

Florida because you can get both? You can get

23:52

a sunset and a sunrise. And I was like,

23:54

I don't think people think that deep about Isla

23:56

and I am a sunset person. And I,

23:58

when I came out here for the first time. I

24:00

remember going like oh, let's go see the fucking

24:02

sunset because in Florida on the East

24:05

Coast You see sunrises on the West Coast with

24:07

sunsets. I always love sunset. You know, I know

24:09

nothing about this at all Like

24:11

I thought the sunset was just the sunset.

24:13

But as you're saying it I'm thinking okay,

24:16

of course It's a different other

24:18

we get we get great sunsets Oh, by the

24:20

way, the fact that she thinks that it's

24:23

it's it's very it's crazy that she would

24:25

she would broad stroke Everyone on did they

24:27

choose to move to LA because so they

24:30

could see sunsets. Right? I was like, how

24:32

old is she? I don't know. Yeah, but

24:34

oh 17

24:36

17 that's timing motherfucker. Yes 17. Um That's

24:40

my favorite joke ever the people do is

24:42

don't touch me. I love that. That makes me

24:44

laugh every what's that when like Like

24:47

Gary Valentine remember Gary Valentine? Yes, Gary Valentine

24:49

was so good. He had so many funny

24:51

bits He was so fucking

24:53

quick and we were doing an

24:55

episode with Linda Blair from the exorcist

24:58

and we were sampling beers and eating

25:00

food with them and We

25:02

were laughing and carries laughing. He's like this is

25:04

crazy Guinness and brownies He goes the thing about

25:06

it Gary and she touched army goes don't touch

25:08

me and it was so funny

25:11

It was I split beer out of

25:13

my nose and Linda Blair didn't get

25:15

it and it was so fucking Cuz it

25:17

has nothing to do with not wanting her

25:19

to touch him. It is warm great moment.

25:22

Don't touch me Wow,

25:26

I saw him at the improv one time Yeah,

25:30

I this made me laugh his whole

25:32

set Yeah Who knows what he was talking about on stage

25:35

his whole set? He was just simply trying to hop

25:37

up on the piano and he get just kept

25:39

coming up short the entire time and he just

25:41

go Like oh, yeah Yeah, he blow it off

25:43

like he like no one saw it and then

25:45

he'd do it again and it got so fucking

25:47

funny That you're like Gary

25:49

Valentine was what which I love

25:51

was a bit machine always bits

25:54

And you know anybody who

25:56

I found out is it like does bits all

25:58

the time. Yeah I love

26:00

even more and I'm already a Conan

26:02

O'Brien fan. Like I adore Conan O'Brien.

26:04

I love Conan O'Brien. And

26:07

a friend

26:09

of mine that wrote on the show for a while, of

26:11

course I asked, you know, they said, oh, he's bits. And

26:13

I'm like, ah, always bits, always

26:15

bits. That's the energy. Gary was

26:18

consistently bits. Everything, I love

26:20

inside jokes that don't go

26:22

away. He would always say, Bert,

26:24

you sleep on your stomach? And I go, no, and

26:26

he goes, okay. I

26:29

was like, what does that mean? He never mind, don't worry about it. But he'd

26:31

bring it up all the time. And he's like, are you sleeping on your stomach?

26:33

No. Running bits. And if you thought about it,

26:35

I'm not asking you right now because it's hard. If

26:37

you had to sit down with a piece of paper

26:40

and go, what are the longest running bits you have?

26:42

One of them is, for

26:45

me, one is with

26:47

a friend and it's, watch your mouth. When it's

26:49

anything that sounds like a curse or you can't

26:51

say that anymore. Like if you're really at a

26:53

Chinese restaurant and you're reading something genuinely on the

26:55

menu and you go, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, you

26:58

can't, you can't. You can't say that anymore. If

27:00

it sounds anything like, like, you know, even if

27:02

they, you know, say a word that's got

27:04

a bad word. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then the

27:06

funniest part to me is you go, no, no, I'm sorry,

27:08

go ahead, go ahead. And they say it again. You go,

27:11

whoa, what did I just fucking say? But

27:14

yeah, you can't say that anymore. And also watch

27:16

your mouth if it sounds dirty. You don't

27:18

sound dirty or a curse word. One,

27:21

two more. One is you have

27:23

to get the pick real quick. They say a

27:25

phrase like, oh, I'm tired of, maybe

27:28

they're hitting the ketchup. I go, give me a new ketchup. I'm

27:30

tired of slapping this ketchup. I made that up. If you know

27:32

it, it's something like that. You go, ah,

27:34

that was my first country hit. And then

27:37

they have to go, they go, what? Tired of slapping

27:39

this ketchup? You know, they have to figure out what

27:41

you just said. And the longest

27:43

running bit was when I was

27:46

in ninth grade, the

27:50

rolls weren't ready at lunch. The lunch ladies, we had

27:52

hamburgers. She goes, oh, the rolls aren't ready. They were

27:54

in the oven. They were frozen. They ran out of

27:56

rolls. So at the end of the day, you know,

27:58

because me and my friend, Brian, we're. both in line

28:00

together he goes are the roles done yet on the

28:02

bus and you know that was funny at the end

28:04

of the day the next day okay cut to we

28:06

did it five years ago we

28:09

did it five years ago and I

28:11

just he goes and I remember years and years

28:13

and years and years and years ago he

28:16

asked me if he was is this getting old

28:18

I go oh no it's just getting better and

28:20

better the roles done yet other roles done yet

28:22

and that's the longest running ones I don't think

28:25

I have I mean I have some I have

28:27

to have some but I don't know like

28:30

I can't think off the top of my head of a

28:33

good one with the

28:35

our family dynamic it's funny I

28:38

always envied in people with inside jokes like

28:40

a running bit I loved it Matt

28:43

Frost you remember Matt Frost the

28:45

agent at CIA yeah oh yeah

28:49

he he's a running bit guy

28:51

and his he would always he would

28:55

ask me if I liked his boots and

28:58

he would do it all the time and it

29:00

would be like a he go I mean you like

29:02

my boots and I go yeah man they're cool and

29:04

he's like cool cuz I just got him I don't

29:06

know if I they work for me I was like

29:08

yeah cool we're on a road trip and

29:10

then there you go I asked you about my boots yet and I

29:13

go yeah I like them he goes do you do like them though

29:15

you're not just saying that I love

29:17

your boots he goes okay cool he's like

29:19

hey man for real what do you think about

29:21

these boots and he would just bring it up

29:23

and it and it like it's a seventh time

29:25

it becomes fucking hysterical and then

29:27

you wait for it and then you're thinking the

29:30

other one you know the crazy ones that

29:32

are is when you make fun

29:34

of you make fun

29:36

of a cultural catchphrase like let's

29:38

take the phrase let's fucking go

29:40

right every boy who's about

29:43

to kill a beer walk into

29:45

a park bar fucking

29:48

start a fist for every boy in America every

29:50

white boy in America uses phrase

29:52

let's fucking go so say say you and

29:54

your friends notice that and you start making

29:56

fun of it you're like you're like oh

29:59

let's fucking go And then all

30:01

of a sudden that becomes your catchphrase and now

30:03

you are indeed the fat going let's fucking go

30:06

It's I that we used to do we used to

30:08

make to the onlooker And

30:11

they're like is he doing a Borat impression and you're

30:14

like I'm making fun of the guy that does Borat

30:16

impressions But now we enjoy the Borat that's

30:20

Burt that is my I think

30:22

I hope I'm not connecting this for no reason. That

30:24

is the fear of me

30:27

living Next to my

30:29

neighbors and hoping they don't hear things out

30:31

of context So I'll tell

30:33

you why I did this, you know the fans

30:35

that you can buy like you look like on

30:37

Instagram I buy them followers Somebody

30:41

did that for a friend of mine once and

30:43

he goes after he was on my podcast and

30:46

they bought him a ton Oh my god, he

30:48

goes Todd. It's It's

30:51

sweet That's the most brilliant

30:53

move ever. That's the most brilliant move ever. They

30:55

bought him Daniel Would he care if

30:57

I said his name? I don't think

30:59

he cared Daniel Kino I know Did somebody did it

31:01

for Daniel Kino when he started hosting my podcast with

31:04

me that is oh that is the move

31:06

by the way That is the move. They don't

31:08

know don't buy your own fans Have everyone

31:10

your podcast and then invest and buy them fans. Can

31:12

you buy fans on tik-tok? I'm certain you can I

31:14

they have please Somebody I'll take I got I got

31:16

put up here if they're fake. I did a tour

31:18

one time for fans It was so crazy. Well, hold

31:20

on you finish your story. Yeah. Yeah, and then what's

31:22

your story? So you can put a button in it.

31:25

We all good when we watch it in post. We're gonna

31:27

be a later We're gonna be like look at us. It

31:29

doesn't even matter. It's my space What

31:31

do you mean? I got my space followers.

31:33

You could get my I'll buy whatever people

31:36

buy me whatever you want so

31:40

What were we talking? Oh, so, you know the fans

31:42

like a fight It looked like almost like a firetruck

31:44

would have to get smoke out of a building like

31:47

maybe 30% bigger than a trash can lid You know

31:49

this wide and it's about this round. Yeah, I bought

31:51

one They sell them at Lowe's because

31:53

when I'm outside see some people thought fans They

31:56

were talking about their neighbors to create white noise

31:58

not put it on the other side side of

32:00

the garage. I don't have it right where we're

32:02

at. And it has made

32:04

my life so much easier. Even

32:06

I bet the people upstairs who rent from me

32:08

appreciate it when they have people out on their

32:11

deck and I'm downstairs. There's a sense of like,

32:14

you know, you have to watch what you say.

32:16

And with me, if it's out of context, we're

32:18

we usually are saying, I'd like to believe for

32:20

a lack of a better word, progressive, open

32:22

minded, okay. And then

32:24

but then we do bits where we're not that

32:26

and then they what if they just hear that

32:29

bit and they think that's you. That's who

32:31

they think we are. Yeah. So sometimes I

32:33

will go out of my way. And I

32:35

go like this to my friends. Literally, I'll go

32:39

point over there. And I'll go, but people like

32:41

that. I mean, you get people it's like, that's

32:43

what I and I'll say something so positive and

32:45

put it into context. We had dinner at our

32:48

old house. This is by the way, I don't

32:50

know if this is culture. I don't know if

32:52

this is an LA thing or everywhere thing. But

32:54

in LA, you are close to everyone. And so

32:57

they are within 10 feet of you sometimes when

32:59

you're having a conversation at our old house. I

33:01

mean, I have the Ficus trees up but you

33:03

know, we yeah, the ficus don't do fucking thing.

33:05

No, we we had a conversation at dinner one

33:08

time. I wish I could

33:10

know exactly what this is about. I'm

33:12

certain it was about

33:14

race. And are I don't want

33:16

to implicate anyone because you could figure you could do the math

33:18

of who these people might be. So

33:21

we're having dinner and it was

33:23

heated. And it was very open

33:25

free conversation. And I heard

33:27

my neighbor open his

33:29

door and hear clothes. I heard him open

33:31

his door. And I didn't hear clothes. And

33:34

I started talking as

33:37

if I was being recorded. I stopped saying

33:39

anything that would be and I started talking

33:41

so fucking so

33:44

progressive that one of the guys goes, Are you

33:47

recording this or something? And I said,

33:49

No, I Just don't just these are how

33:51

I feel. I'm Bert Chrysler. This is how

33:53

I feel thinking what if he was recording

33:55

us and you're not doing a bit? Not

33:57

at all. I was panicked going like this.

34:00

The private conversation but if you're recording

34:02

it it would ruin. Oleaginous.

34:04

Phone pulled over the over the

34:06

fucking six foot fence, wrong accounting

34:09

don't succeed and recorded so everyone

34:11

everyone out of context out of

34:13

context in what you would say

34:15

is a open minded three conversation.

34:17

I mean conversations about. During.

34:19

The vaccine but you have in the backyard.

34:21

Not just like shut your fucking mouth Guys

34:23

still say anything. I get like that crazy.

34:26

I know this isn't exactly the same bureau to make

34:28

me a promised if I tell you this that I

34:30

think is in that area of the trance. Did.

34:32

This thing you went into. Yeah, it's Tommy.

34:34

For your know it's not the same, but

34:36

I don't have to may pretend that it's

34:38

that. But when I'm in the clock and

34:40

I see a top, I get nervous. So

34:42

even if I'm having a real conversation with

34:44

somebody, I. Started having speak conversation

34:47

and in the beginning of my

34:49

relationship with Chris my ex he

34:51

would just start slowly going. Yeah.

34:53

You know those op where hand movement to

34:55

make it look like everything was all racists

34:57

and tops look for people that are nervous

34:59

and suspicious because I've done ride alongs back

35:01

in the day so I would always trust

35:03

and it has was I don't I get

35:05

nervous when I see a top is good

35:07

but we were already having a real conversation

35:09

that he was yeah but it wasn't a

35:12

hey if I had to go it's has

35:14

lots of ideas or stops when I would

35:16

do radio or just of are you are

35:18

when they might be off I would have.

35:20

Faith. Ombre seasons because I didn't want

35:22

to burden the birds but I also

35:24

bought I was being recorded on cameras

35:26

and screaming to be internet. And

35:28

it looks crazy. I love my wife. And.

35:30

A be like yeah, hub a guy lovers

35:33

us Oliver Oliver. And. So going on

35:35

the road, I'm not drinking this week.

35:37

A whole bird bird. Oh

35:39

I'm I'm I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell you some random.

35:42

Also. A Maybe this isn't even spare

35:44

occur. Because. I'm put you on the

35:46

spot. Oh I love it but I'm jealous of you.

35:49

And I think this will help me get

35:51

included. In. one of your

35:53

things that you to whenever i see you

35:55

out doing something with i want to be

35:57

the slickest so you on the cruise With

36:00

Andy Frasco who both adore we both love and

36:02

I was like I want to do that I

36:04

felt like in high school and you're like I

36:06

want to be like I want to hang out

36:08

there I would I would just that's the greatest

36:10

compliment I've ever gotten in my life Because

36:13

you know that that is who I am is

36:15

I want to be there. I want to be places I

36:18

always I have FOMO was like my I Had

36:21

a fucking therapy session and the therapist says

36:23

sounds like you suffer from FOMO and I

36:25

went that's not a real thing What is it

36:27

even as a fear of missing out? That's

36:30

why I have a fear of death. I don't have it over

36:32

everybody just when I see no look when I get it I

36:34

get it for I get it for like like I

36:36

get it for like fun times I see

36:38

fun times like oh, I want to be with every

36:41

podcast I got every time I see anybody talking about

36:43

anything fun. I go how come nobody includes me in

36:45

anything I'll tell you always and then I go well

36:47

people do like and then I think during the pandemic

36:50

You had me over here and I think like

36:52

but but I do right away like I

36:55

always get very jealous of but

36:57

but lately Especially, you know when

36:59

you're on that first of all,

37:01

why not send some love out

37:03

to Andy Frasco? Um,

37:05

I just saw him at

37:08

the Fonda Yeah, I sold out

37:10

the troupe door then he just went

37:12

to the fun And let me tell this is the I

37:14

think in a short period of time. How could I motivate?

37:16

That's what I think someone to go see Andy Frasco. Yeah,

37:19

let me tell you something It's

37:21

not worth leaving your fucking house if something's

37:23

just it's good Yeah, good

37:25

ain't shit when you got to pay

37:28

to park everything's Andy Frasco will knock

37:30

your dick into the dirt Every

37:33

heap that show he just did and he was

37:35

good. I saw them a year ago and he

37:37

was great But that show at the Fonda He

37:40

went up like he had something to prove

37:42

and guess what? It was unbelievable Um,

37:46

it was the tightest fucking one song

37:48

little bit of talking the next song

37:50

boom boom boom boom boom And

37:52

then I know what I think he might end

37:54

with but my friend that I'm with goes Maybe

37:56

he should have ended on that because it was

37:59

pretty fucking Big after an encore.

38:01

But what is your favorite song that he does?

38:03

You sort of like it as your anthem? It's

38:05

my anthem. Uh, uh dancing on my grave. Yeah,

38:08

that's what he ended with. Oh, fuck. I

38:10

made him play that over on the cruise on the credit

38:12

and I said to the crew Hey, I

38:14

said everyone just every time he shoots that cover

38:17

him because I want to make that the anthem

38:19

of the cruise It's I mean I I I

38:21

have a problem. I get emotional way too quick

38:23

these days And I don't know what's going on.

38:25

I don't know if i'm dialed into something. I

38:28

I I I don't know if it's a brain

38:30

tumor I keep saying the lian. I'm vibrating. I'm

38:32

always vibrating I'm so I have so much fucking

38:34

energy lately and i'm so alive by cry really

38:36

quick and that fucking song Kills

38:38

me. I sob cry every time I hear it. I

38:41

love it. I love I love him. He There's

38:45

two things that are interesting in that conversation

38:48

I have a I have a friendship with Andy

38:50

frasco independent of being a fan of his and

38:52

i'm a fan of his so like My

38:55

friendship is not based on me being a fan

38:57

of his it's just based on me Liking

39:01

him which is interesting in

39:03

and of itself, but then

39:05

i'm also a fucking fan of his it's

39:07

crazy It's like I was a fan of

39:09

yours before I came a friend a friend of yours Like

39:11

I would sit in the back and watch you and

39:13

just be blown away And then I

39:15

got to know you and and so but it's always

39:17

going to be tainted in the fact that every time

39:20

I see you I get excited I go but when

39:22

I see andy I get excited as like a friend

39:24

I haven't seen in a while because I

39:26

are all our friends all our relationships with

39:28

through Without seeing each other

39:30

perform and so I I get

39:32

I had the same thing with zach meyers. Uh,

39:35

League guitarist for shine down was over here

39:37

yesterday and he Uh,

39:41

we do a podcast and he's like, hey, you I said you

39:43

guys play a song and he's like, yeah, I'll play a song

39:45

I've never seen him play the I mean I've seen him

39:47

play at a concert play the guitar I've never seen him

39:50

play the guitar and he was so fucking good that I

39:52

didn't know I didn't know how to say it like Dude,

39:54

you're really like All

39:56

of a sudden i'm like fucking wow Is

39:59

it? I was friends with Tom. I

40:01

was friends with Tom before he got funny. I was

40:03

friends with Tom before I Like

40:06

I was friends with Tom before our

40:08

the stand-up like we were friends when

40:11

we were just we know we watch the others Actually,

40:13

none of us neither of us were good. So it

40:15

wasn't like we were fans of each other We were

40:17

friends first, but I fucking love Andy fresco. Wow,

40:20

there's I believe two things Yeah, I've been

40:22

doing so I've been doing good so far

40:24

staying on track with a clean conversation. So

40:26

help me out here I want to be

40:28

I mean, I think I might

40:30

even written it down. Oh Well,

40:32

I sent you a video last night Which leads

40:34

into the set you said crying all the time

40:36

that I want to talk about that I want

40:38

to I want to I want to

40:41

I want to express because I'm going through

40:43

the same thing And I think maybe probably

40:45

a lot of people are mr. Rogers mentionable

40:47

manageable But also I wanted to talk about

40:49

something quick about a fresco So you remind

40:51

me to also afterwards to talk about the

40:53

sensitive thing. Yes I'll

40:55

make this so quick, but I think it's a video

40:57

worth watching. Um My

41:00

my friend Vinnie saw Andy fresco at a

41:02

music festival in Denver. He didn't go to

41:04

see him He texted me he

41:06

goes. Holy fucking shit. I saw this guy tonight Andy

41:08

fresco It's so funny to remember he goes I thought

41:10

maybe he just had a good show and then the

41:12

next day we talked on the phone He goes I

41:15

thought maybe he just had a good show. We went

41:17

back again the next night Holy

41:19

shit, like I know what he means. It's

41:21

like a revival. It's like boom boom But

41:24

after I see a guy like Andy perform,

41:26

I'm side referencing here for a second I

41:28

always think do that or get the fuck

41:30

off the stage. If you're not gonna do

41:32

that, please go home I wish you nothing

41:34

but health and love but but if you're

41:36

not gonna shred it and get the fuck

41:39

I don't have time Andy fresco fucking shreds

41:41

it on Andy fresco's worst night. He's fucking

41:43

great. Mm-hmm So I go

41:45

look at his videos online and I'm like, holy

41:47

shit like I'm loving the guy I

41:49

asked my podcast listeners tweet at

41:51

Andy fresco and say please play the barn

41:53

because that's behind my house Yeah, he

41:56

eventually we get on the phone together. We

41:58

switch numbers through with through Through

42:00

direct messaging. I don't realize he knows a lot

42:02

of comedians. He's a fan. He's a fan of

42:05

stand-in So

42:08

I get on the phone with him. I'm a little nervous You

42:10

know, I'm starstruck because I see him playing in front of 20,000

42:12

people, you know A little bars

42:14

and I'm like wow this guy's you know, and I

42:16

said I would love you to play He goes I'll

42:18

play I go with my birthday's December 16th. I know

42:21

you texted me. You'll be Homer and then he goes

42:23

I'll play on your birthday. He was I'll bring

42:25

I'll bring Andy Avila who

42:28

plays drums and lead vocals and then

42:30

I'll bring Ernie Chang who plays the

42:32

trumpets and does vocals saxophone

42:35

and so The

42:37

everyone wants to be in the studio. So

42:39

about 20 people we pack in there I

42:42

say don't anybody bring but just bring your

42:44

cell phones charge and I gave everybody gelled

42:46

Flashlights. I said it look everybody

42:48

help out if you see something in the corner that we're

42:51

shooting and there's no light on it Just three of you

42:53

pull out your flashlights So Andy

42:55

Andy knocks on the door my birthday with

42:57

a mushroom like, you know mushroom birthday cake

42:59

I don't know what at the time and

43:01

all the candles are lit. I open the

43:04

door and I go Holy

43:06

shit. I start to cry and I

43:08

go Andy fucking fresco Ernie

43:11

and and and Andy Avila at the door.

43:13

I bring him into the podcast studio I

43:15

have a three-piece band to bring them in

43:17

I want to make it I hired an

43:20

ice cream truck to be in my yard

43:22

after the show. He comes in He

43:24

does we talk he does songs we do bits.

43:26

He does songs we talk we do bits he

43:28

does songs all night long with the pot and

43:31

And one of the kids that works on the

43:33

podcast Aaron Simon He goes can I take all

43:36

the cell phone footage and turn it into something? And

43:39

I said, yeah, I would love if you did he goes. I

43:41

just like to prove I could do it So

43:43

it's online on YouTube It's called glass

43:45

fresco Christmas and it's a half an

43:47

hour shows from him knocking on the

43:49

door Till about 3 in

43:51

the morning. He sleeps over which you

43:53

gotta fucking love and I

43:55

had a plaque made from my bed That says

43:58

Andy fresco slept here. Of course, I took a

44:00

picture and I sent it to him. So

44:02

that's how I met Andy Fresco and I

44:05

love that he's in my life. I love him and I'm

44:09

going to crowd surf before the year's over. I'm

44:11

going to have you ever crowd surfed? No.

44:13

No? No, I never have. I

44:16

would think you would have. I know I would not as soon

44:18

as you said that that I was like, you know, why haven't

44:20

I tried anal? Like, yeah, like it's

44:22

like I should that's in my wheelhouse. Right? Yeah,

44:24

I would think you well, let me tell you

44:26

something. I'm going to do it. He called on

44:28

me to do it when we were doing the

44:30

podcast tour. But I

44:33

chickened out and I oh, I really hated myself

44:35

for it. When I went back to the hotel,

44:38

I said next time you want you know why?

44:40

There weren't I was afraid there because it was

44:42

the podcast people were seated. You know what I

44:44

mean? I opened up with stand up. I was

44:47

afraid they dropped me. I need more

44:49

fresco in my life. You need for I just

44:51

like, you know, write a song about that. We

44:53

had a we had a really great we

44:56

had a really, really, really, really, really, a

44:58

little more tequila. Yeah, please, please. I'm going

45:00

to take my jacket off. Is that okay?

45:02

Yeah. And can I ask

45:04

you one favor? Just before

45:06

we're done, by the way, well,

45:08

never mind. I'm sorry. I'm so enjoying this.

45:12

And I'm excited for what I'm about to tell

45:14

you. And just before we're done, all I need

45:16

time you texting downstairs is from

45:19

your heart to bring ice up to

45:21

talk about the crowdsource. Yeah, we're all

45:23

done. Just just give me

45:25

a little bit of time. Of course, my heart

45:27

and you saw the video. So it's fucking amazing.

45:29

So back to back to. So I'm

45:32

doing Wells Fargo Center

45:34

of Philly, your

45:36

hometown. I was there while you were doing it. Were

45:38

you in Philly? Yeah, I was in Philly. Are

45:41

you serious? Yeah, we tried. We tried. And it

45:43

just didn't work out. And then I, I, man,

45:45

I fell asleep. That's right. You were. Yeah. Yeah.

45:48

And so I, Andy

45:51

happens to be in Philly and I text him

45:53

and I said, Hey, we're going to

45:55

the flyers game tonight. You want to come? And he's

45:57

like, yeah, absolutely. So we meet him up

45:59

at the. at the hotel. I wasn't

46:01

drinking at the time I don't think but

46:04

I drank that night. I hadn't drank in

46:06

a while. I really love taking time off

46:08

and then drinking. Same

46:10

with pie, right? I've been smoking pot every

46:12

day. I'll

46:14

smoke if you smoke by the way.

46:18

That's all you had to say. Where's

46:21

the lighter Halston? This

46:28

is just... I'm

46:31

very impressed. Anyway,

46:33

the whole everything in this place. So

46:41

Andy meets us

46:43

at our hotel and

46:46

I go all out. I get a fucking... I

46:49

get a Sprinter van for us. We

46:51

have back door entrance. We don't have

46:53

to go through the fucking line. We

46:56

have a box. We had a full

46:58

fucking box. I introduced

47:01

Andy to Zins. He was smoking at

47:03

the time. I introduced him to Zins. He

47:07

started and he takes us for a

47:09

Zins. We have our first drink at the hotel. We

47:11

get into Sprinter van. It's our whole group. We're filming

47:13

it. We're having fun. We go

47:17

through security. We get to the box

47:19

and it's very seldom that I get to...

47:23

I don't know the right way to say this. I

47:25

have certain things about me where I start to

47:27

vibrate and I start to live a little faster

47:29

and a little louder. I

47:31

don't know what Leanne calls it but it's like

47:34

fire and hot. I

47:36

decide... I find out they

47:38

have a 50-50 raffle and I decide I'm gonna buy...

47:40

We talked about this on the president's team. You

47:43

fucking won. I bought like $4,000 worth of raffle

47:45

and Andy

47:47

was there watching it and he just is ear

47:50

to ear laughing going like you're buying more? I

47:52

bought $4,000. I won $29,000. It was... but I...

47:57

Watching him watch me live the way I

47:59

my brain... Works My daughter's don't love it,

48:01

They don't love it. They. It

48:04

it it. Would. You have you don't

48:06

allow my daughter's I did it of Dodgers game

48:08

a Boss were five thousand dollars with tickets. And.

48:10

This is great for tonight. Can

48:13

I ask a thing on. Of

48:20

of a parcel Judge is wirelessly

48:22

downstairs. Is. They are

48:25

listening authors Parcel Judge Parcel Judge. About

48:28

forty five thousand dollars worth of that's very

48:30

rough to use a Dodger. Games Puffs Hundred

48:32

Eighty Five thousand dollars. Minimum.

48:35

Investment. I'm still up from the flyers saw it.

48:37

It's all one money I'm not losing. His

48:40

land listening downstairs. For.

48:42

Sophie's at a meeting. Okay,

48:45

I just want partial.parcel Judge.

48:48

I by five thousand dollars worth of

48:51

Fifty fifty raffle tickets. Now roughly that

48:53

is rolled up. That's like this many

48:55

fucking raffle tickets. They are sequential. From.

48:58

One number to last number's all. So

49:00

when I say the number if you

49:02

have nine to five. And.

49:05

It's Nine Zero Three, You know that you're You're out

49:07

of that you've You've bought. you bought too late. So.

49:10

I guess of I by the rustiest were at

49:12

the Dodgers Came it's opening day. They put up

49:14

the cities of the raffle thing and liang or

49:17

say they got the number. The numbers up quick.

49:19

get a cellphone, get a picture of it and

49:21

then clicks it. And as I

49:23

go to get my phone to take

49:25

the cliff lee am already is going

49:27

to my raffle tickets lucid my very

49:29

first molesting it's and then couples I'm

49:31

up Joseph fucking last. Lego and

49:33

I got upset I who the fuck you doin

49:35

through are my raffle tickets look at she has

49:38

but the last. As houses try to get

49:40

through it. And I said no no

49:42

no no no no. and my daughter's picture

49:44

side and Leann picked her side and I

49:46

was like no difference. That's like saying it's

49:49

Christmas and you can be present. Ego is

49:51

a sweater. I go lumps post opening. Like.

49:54

i need to open it spread his

49:56

paw i wanted them grew with her

49:58

so here's what i'm an artist Just

50:00

that's all you had to say. Oh, how dare you? What if

50:02

you edit this? It

50:05

goes back. Thank you very much. Um Yeah,

50:09

you know the But

50:11

but but you know what? Oh, I'm not

50:13

just saying this to be okay. I'd want

50:16

to hear Leanne Maybe

50:18

her version where I go. Oh, where's can you bring

50:20

her in here? Maybe she'd go?

50:22

Oh, okay in hindsight I realized nope now

50:24

show okay. I'm leaving out a very key

50:27

detail Very key detail.

50:29

I Said something

50:32

I punched her I Said

50:36

something that pissed her off and pissed the

50:38

girls off. I said, why would

50:40

you do that? And then I said you're drunk And

50:43

she wasn't drunk and she had had a beer a

50:45

couple beers, but she wasn't drunk You know why not

50:47

mad when I said you're drunk she went and

50:50

Georgia goes, why would you say that to mom? She's not drunk and

50:52

I was like hold on. She had two

50:54

beers like still and why would

50:56

she do that? Like why like the fuck like I

50:58

was angry. I'm inclined Like

51:02

to self analyze myself to want to

51:04

agree with Leanne because and but by

51:06

your fruition she really Let

51:09

you have a fun life. Oh, yeah, and then and

51:11

then I think it like so if there is something

51:13

where I'm gonna be like Oh, okay, and I agree

51:15

with your that's why I'm like get Leanne in Where

51:17

is she and by the way the sensitive thing? I

51:20

want to talk I like I love that

51:22

we're gonna talk about this Yeah later because

51:24

I'm I'm just reminding myself because I just

51:27

Had this thought I I'll

51:29

send you the voicemail I want to play the

51:31

voicemail was me reminding myself to maybe do a

51:33

bit about it But but I'm I'm

51:35

glad that you said that you know about Just

51:38

crying all the time. Oh buddy. I cry

51:40

I cry so quickly It

51:45

is I think my

51:48

think people I'm certain I don't really I

51:51

say this I'm not saying this to to grandstand

51:53

on this statement. I don't why I

51:56

don't read comments I genuinely don't

51:58

read comments. I have seen but

52:00

I don't read them and I don't go on Reddit and

52:02

I don't go on X, I'm off of X. I don't

52:04

do it for my own mental health. It

52:07

would fuck me up when I saw negative stuff

52:09

and that's not cool and I understand that's part

52:11

of the game. I get it. I actually totally

52:13

get it. I actually

52:15

totally, totally get it. That is part of the game

52:17

and I've been a part of that game too. I've

52:19

shit on people that didn't deserve to be shit on

52:21

just because they're celebrities and I try to understand all

52:23

of it and I am with love. I'm saying everyone

52:26

do what they want to do. I'm just saying for

52:28

me to wake up, have a good day, doesn't

52:30

benefit me to read that shit. So I

52:32

don't. But

52:35

the thing, what were we fucking talking about? Not

52:38

being sensitive. With

52:41

crying. So I'm certain that

52:43

there is a subreddit

52:46

of Burt crying. I'm certain there's a subreddit

52:48

of like, how fucking annoying is this guy?

52:50

What the fuck? He's always crying. What a

52:52

bitch. Like I'm sure there's there. I'm

52:55

not going to stop crying. I can't help

52:57

it and it's part and it feels good.

52:59

It's part of a human motion that you

53:02

get out of you. It feels good to cry. And if

53:05

I listen to good music, if you

53:07

have me talk about the time travelers wife, I

53:09

did it on Opie and Anthony. They

53:12

were like, you can cry? And I was like, yeah,

53:14

I can cry. And Opie was like, watch,

53:17

what makes you cry? I said, if I watch any of

53:19

the time travelers wife, I'll cry. And you know, Opie, I

53:21

love Opie. I'm not shitting on Opie, but Opie's like such

53:23

a jock guy. He's like, come

53:25

on, let's do it. Put it on. Let's watch him

53:27

cry. And then he realized what a mistake that was

53:30

when he was sitting in a room with a grown

53:32

man, grown man sobbing. And he was like, oh, fuck,

53:34

this is awkward. Oh, Jesus Christ. I

53:36

think most, you know, look,

53:41

I saw people in my life when I was younger

53:43

evolve as they got older. And I thought that they

53:45

would be honest. I was like, Michael, uncle or Michael

53:47

and or, you know, they were just so

53:49

that's not the reason I do it. But I

53:52

would think even with a

53:54

five and dime psychology degree, most degree,

53:56

most people would say, well, it's

53:58

a good thing. It's like, It's like

54:00

I cry more now than ever. I

54:03

think I figured it out maybe you know

54:06

and But

54:08

but also when I cry it can energize me if I'm

54:10

on the treadmill and I'm tired and I see a video

54:12

that makes Me just it could be

54:14

anything could be it could be this kid getting

54:16

a dog and he's so goddamn Fucking cute and

54:18

appreciative that I want to retweet it

54:20

or not retweet it send it out on Instagram

54:22

And you're talking go this kid He's

54:25

a national treasure we need to

54:27

protect him and put get him a

54:29

college trust fund going because of one Just

54:32

I go I know that little fuck is

54:34

a good person. I want to see him

54:37

do greatness just cute little fucking kid so

54:41

Dogs dogs. Ducky up any

54:43

animals are crying. I go like if

54:46

anything with an animal Jason asked you remember

54:48

Jason Nash Yeah, I just

54:50

did his podcast. Okay, Jason. Okay, I

54:52

say remember he's still working More than

54:54

ever did but yes, he died. No,

54:56

he's dead Jason Nash people is dead

54:59

No, please don't talk about it.

55:01

He gets his family upset but accept his

55:03

death He he was

55:05

at the very early stages of podcasting came over

55:07

to do a podcast with me I really think

55:10

he just came down to get high and get

55:12

away from Marnie at the time and they ended

55:14

up getting divorced But he came down

55:16

we got high and we're doing a

55:18

podcast. No, I don't think any of us I mean he had

55:20

had a podcast before that but no one really knew what they

55:22

were doing they were just talking and

55:26

He said can I Can

55:28

I read you a poem about my dog? And

55:30

I was like what he's like my dog passed away

55:32

and I just read you a poem that I wrote

55:34

and I was like Someone hit me

55:36

in the head with a shovel. I do not want

55:38

to hear it. Another man. Tell me a poem and

55:41

I was The

55:43

end of it Well,

55:46

fuck the fucking Instagram ruin that moment

55:48

I Love that it

55:50

was that bit to the one that

55:53

Did I want a parody so bad and dirty

55:56

of her boyfriend? Of course. I open the carver.

55:58

I'm a girlfriend of course car

56:00

sometimes yeah I follow Jack Doherty okay

56:02

everybody I can't

56:05

help it the fucking kids living the life

56:07

I wanted to live sometimes sometimes

56:12

they're so those

56:14

particular when they're running out of ideas

56:17

so you'll see someone go I'm Italian

56:19

of course I you know drive a

56:21

car well I think everybody drives you

56:23

know but anyway the I love the

56:25

wait I love

56:27

the ones I love

56:30

the ones that are

56:32

better like fuck

56:35

never mind I really

56:37

high you know what that's

56:40

that it's so sometimes pot I'm

56:42

amazed and I've been smoking

56:45

you know since I'm like late in life

56:48

but since I'm 30 yeah that it

56:50

will still have times like right now this

56:52

is like pretty close to like

56:54

when you first started smoking pot yeah you feel

56:56

it I haven't smoked in a couple days I

56:58

smoked last night sometimes I forgot

57:03

I smoked last night see sometimes

57:05

that's something I did last home

57:07

yes I'm

57:10

so proud of myself this

57:13

is gonna sound so bad so we

57:16

I got I got a cold you know who Jelly Roll is I

57:20

know musician yes yeah twos on

57:22

his face bigger dude I know

57:24

that I just saw something he's winning

57:26

everything okay that's why he's winning everything

57:30

him Chris Porter and

57:33

Zach Myers want to go to dinner

57:35

and they asked me do you want to go to dinner with us and I said

57:37

yeah jelly text and he's like I

57:39

have a he's

57:41

doing Adam Ray show at the store at nine so

57:44

I can do dinner but I'm already on my phone

57:46

it's it's six it's six

57:48

thirty six forty five so I'm

57:50

like well the earliest we are we can all meet

57:53

up is probably eight so you need

57:55

to be so I go we know we'll call Katana it's

57:57

right next to the store but it's it's actually a high-end

57:59

sushi place It's hard to get a seat. So

58:01

I said, hey, do

58:04

I, I'm looking for a table

58:06

for four. I know it's last minute. She

58:08

said, yeah, it's pretty busy tonight. And I

58:11

went, Ed Sheeran. And she

58:13

went, excuse me? I said, I thought you asked my name for

58:15

the reservation. She goes, no, no, no, no,

58:17

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can definitely see you.

58:20

And I went, cool. And

58:23

then they gave us a table. Shut the fuck up.

58:25

Cause it's such a recognize, I said Ed Sheeran. And

58:27

then when I got there, I even, I said, listen,

58:30

I said, I'm here. I've been with

58:32

reservation for four. Couple

58:35

of guys are like rock stars and they're musicians. So it

58:37

may be even bigger than that. Cause Jelly was like, I

58:39

may bring some people. I go, and some people may not

58:42

show up. So I just wanted, she was like, no, no,

58:44

no, no, totally fine, totally fine. And then, and

58:46

then, yeah. And then we

58:48

were just like, I didn't show up. Ed usually shows up.

58:52

Oh, I love it. I love

58:54

the, you're telling

58:56

me this. I'm thinking

58:58

on a completely different level. I

59:01

had a minute experience like that. And I wish

59:03

I was making this up, but I'm not. I

59:06

wanted to go to the cheesecake factory.

59:09

Bird, I swear to God, I'm not lying. No,

59:11

no, no, bird, bird, bird, the Olive Garden, the

59:13

Olive Garden. But bird, you know my safe word

59:15

truth? Like truth, like this is true. So I

59:17

think you tell me that, and then I go,

59:19

oh, I sort of, right, right, right. From George

59:21

Carter to the truth. So this is the truth.

59:24

So, so I wanted to go to the Olive Garden.

59:26

Now I know, I don't like chain restaurants, but I

59:29

wanted to go, they opened one up so close to my

59:31

house. I really want to go to the Olive Garden. So

59:34

I kept it for like six, seven, eight months. I've

59:36

been asking people, let's go to the Olive Garden. Let's,

59:38

let's do mushrooms and go to the Olive Garden. You

59:40

know, food's probably going to be pretty good, but

59:42

I want to go to the Olive Garden. Just

59:45

to say I win. I know it's going to be corporate.

59:47

I know it's going to be corporate. I know. But

59:50

it's good. This is so fun. Let's

59:52

have a night in the Olive Garden.

59:54

And be ironic. Just like doing the

59:56

Borat impression, you are really, you

59:58

do have to go to the, all the, So

1:00:00

we take mushrooms, I rented,

1:00:03

there's a company that my ex used

1:00:06

years ago, they have old limos. So we took

1:00:08

a limo from 1978 to the Olive Garden. We

1:00:13

get out, but by the way, this sort of

1:00:15

backfires. But not the

1:00:18

first part. The first part that I'm about to tell you is you'll

1:00:20

see why I related it to like, you know, hey, how you move

1:00:22

and you shake and you do what you got to do. So

1:00:24

I go in, there's a line, I didn't make a reservation,

1:00:27

there's like a 40 minute wait at the Olive Garden. So

1:00:29

guess what? So

1:00:31

I don't even think I think you just go,

1:00:33

it's dead. They tell you because of the pandemic, you

1:00:35

know, and there's so so I

1:00:37

go, I just think real quick, I'm with

1:00:40

my friend, Rob, I'm with my friend, Lane.

1:00:42

And I go, I know it's the Olive

1:00:44

Garden, probably for $10, but you know what?

1:00:47

Go 25. So when it's appropriate,

1:00:49

I walk over like 60 seconds later,

1:00:51

I hate waiting. I go, it's the

1:00:53

Olive Garden. Like, you don't have to

1:00:55

wait if it's worth 20. It's not a

1:00:57

big deal. I'm not actually like a big baller. So I walk over,

1:01:00

I put it down, I go, I don't know if there's anything you

1:01:02

can do, but appreciate it if we can. She

1:01:04

goes, she's sort of laughed. I go, I tried to be tasteful. She goes,

1:01:07

you were. She goes, I could see you right now. So

1:01:09

we go right over to this place. We sit down. I'm

1:01:11

like, wasn't that worth $25? What

1:01:14

are the odds that's not going to work at the

1:01:16

Olive Garden? So if you

1:01:18

want to, if you ever end up going to the Olive Garden,

1:01:20

you don't have to wait no matter how long the line is.

1:01:22

If you think it's worth $25 to walk in, be polite. And

1:01:27

then with your name on it. Yeah, right. Right.

1:01:30

She didn't even, and we went over, we sat there, a

1:01:32

nice family that was neat and organized. They

1:01:35

weren't messy. And you know what? I

1:01:37

think they were speaking Spanish, but

1:01:39

my, me and my friends go, you know

1:01:42

what? It's like from a distance, it's beautiful.

1:01:44

It's still, it could be Italian too. So

1:01:46

we may pretend it was Italian and we

1:01:48

were really in Italy. So

1:01:50

wait, hold on. Someone

1:01:54

made me a drink, but wait. So

1:01:57

Isla and I were skiing in Park

1:01:59

City. And why related that back here?

1:02:01

Of course. Hello, this is Ed Sheard. I'm at

1:02:03

the Olive Garden. You know what? Put the name

1:02:05

under Burcri shirt. I don't want to, you know.

1:02:08

And so, so Island, I

1:02:10

were in Italy or no, we were, what

1:02:12

the fuck am I doing? Island, I were

1:02:14

in Park City and we were

1:02:16

waiting on a ski lift line and

1:02:19

there was an Italian boy. I'm just,

1:02:21

tell me if you can see why I'm relating this to two

1:02:24

Italian boys, like children, maybe five

1:02:26

years old talking to each other, but

1:02:29

because it's Italian, it

1:02:31

sounds so interesting and fun. And

1:02:33

then like, and I, and Island

1:02:35

are watching in the morning. The

1:02:41

mom sees us watching.

1:02:43

She goes, I'm so sorry. And

1:02:46

I'm so sorry. And I like goes, no,

1:02:48

no, no, it's, it's really fun to watch.

1:02:50

It's almost like beautiful. And she goes, yeah,

1:02:53

if you spoke Italian, it's annoying as shit.

1:02:57

Because it's for them, it's just two kids going like, I

1:02:59

don't want to, I don't want to go on the left.

1:03:01

I don't want to, but in Italian, it's like, I don't

1:03:03

want to go on the left. What

1:03:07

if you say to her, Oh, I gotta be

1:03:09

honest. It sounds so beautiful. She goes, well, he

1:03:12

just called the sister. Oh, okay.

1:03:14

I'm going to back away. They're

1:03:17

both hemophiliacs. What? Oh,

1:03:21

I said the C word. Is that funny? Comedically?

1:03:24

I think so. I'd say it. What

1:03:26

if? What? No,

1:03:28

you don't. No, you don't. I, I, well, wait,

1:03:30

you could. I thought you're a good story. I

1:03:32

liked, I liked to tell her. I liked that

1:03:35

we're, we're, we're swinging vine from story to

1:03:37

story. So

1:03:46

when I, um, when

1:03:48

I, my first television pilot, I was just telling someone

1:03:51

this the other day. My first

1:03:53

television pilot was at Fox or

1:03:55

CBS produced through Fox with

1:03:57

David J Nash. And The

1:04:02

The one of the other lead actors was Elliott Gould

1:04:04

and so we went for I didn't know who booked

1:04:06

that part I booked the part. That's all I

1:04:08

thought about was me. How old are you at this time? 26

1:04:13

26 27 and you live in Los Angeles. No, where

1:04:15

do you live? I was living in New York at

1:04:17

the time Okay, and so I know I did live

1:04:19

in LA I did live in LA and so we

1:04:22

do a first cable read back then it was

1:04:25

250 300 people in a room Especially

1:04:28

for these big sitcoms Everyone's

1:04:30

at a table where you can't really like you

1:04:33

can't see the name plates because it's not like round

1:04:35

it's a straight table and I don't

1:04:38

know who I'm meeting everyone for the first time

1:04:40

and there as they're sitting down I'm like, hey,

1:04:42

I'm Bert, you know, whatever and then Elliot Gould

1:04:44

walks up and I go holy shit and

1:04:47

David Jay's like Yeah his That's

1:04:50

what we got to play my dad and I was like I

1:04:53

hate to ask this because it

1:04:55

always sounds so disrespectful He's

1:04:57

still alive. Right? He's gotta be alive. Yeah, he's got

1:04:59

old though. It's gonna be 80 Hold

1:05:02

find out how old Elliott Gould is I

1:05:04

we became friends We

1:05:08

became friends he gave me he the reason

1:05:10

we hung out is I

1:05:14

said to him I Was looking

1:05:16

at juicy fruit and he came up and he's like wait What

1:05:18

are you doing and I was looking at the gum and I

1:05:20

said trying to figure out what this flavor

1:05:22

is I was so good. There's not

1:05:24

enough juicy fruit in my life. Oh

1:05:26

bird, but like what I can make out with you

1:05:28

right now, please I Don't

1:05:32

want to know up your story, but I want

1:05:34

to talk about juicy fruit I'm gonna bear my

1:05:36

soul about juicy fruit, but go ahead and then

1:05:38

I said it's so good. I really good It's

1:05:40

so it's all the good ones. What is it?

1:05:43

And he goes, I don't know and then he

1:05:45

takes a piece of juicy fruit He's like, yeah,

1:05:47

there's not a lot of juicy fruit out there

1:05:49

like it's just you know, cuz

1:05:51

there's grape There's bubble gum and then juicy fruits. It's

1:05:53

weird juicy fruit Fresh

1:05:56

breath someone that has fresh breath

1:05:58

already chewing juicy fruits old Chewing

1:06:00

Juicy Fruit Gum? If

1:06:03

I have a memory of somebody that

1:06:05

I you know what I'll tell you this he

1:06:09

It was like when I was very much in the closet And

1:06:11

I was probably like 23 and this

1:06:14

guy played minor league baseball And

1:06:16

he was always chewing Juicy Fruit Gum even

1:06:18

if we kissed he'd have it in his mouth, and I fucking

1:06:20

loved it That's like Juicy

1:06:22

Fruit. It was like he was always like chewing. I

1:06:25

don't know why it was like a baseball thing You

1:06:27

know yeah, but but um but that's bad. It was

1:06:29

so fresh. Did it make sense what I'm saying? Yeah,

1:06:31

a hundred percent shit, so maybe I shouldn't say make

1:06:33

out with guys you think that a weird people I'm

1:06:39

90% all you do though right that's all you do I'm

1:06:41

99% serious 1% kidding so

1:06:45

the next day LA go walks on set and

1:06:48

I go I I'm

1:06:50

gonna see if I can remember it Grapefruit

1:06:52

banana apple Orange

1:06:55

and pineapple and he goes I think

1:06:57

see if that's the flavors for Juicy Fruit And he

1:06:59

was what I said those are the flavors, and

1:07:01

he goes just you've been trying to figure it out all night I said

1:07:03

no I called the company. He said what I

1:07:05

said. There's a number on the back of the piece of gum I called

1:07:07

the company which say the flavors again In

1:07:10

Juicy Fruit gum. It's it's banana apple

1:07:13

orange pineapple

1:07:15

and Grape

1:07:18

what are the flavors wow oh? TV

1:07:21

was here. I have thought this that is such

1:07:23

a clean flavor, but I never thought why don't

1:07:25

we get more of it in our Lives I

1:07:27

just knew I loved it, but like so here's

1:07:30

the question. They're saying banana and pineapple Would you

1:07:32

like it in a frozen yogurt? I would love

1:07:34

it. I think I would like it as a

1:07:36

soft drink Juicy

1:07:40

Fruit Cool aid buddy

1:07:43

wait Juicy Fruit. Yeah, Juicy Fruit Shut

1:07:46

the fuck up my no bullshit. We

1:07:48

should edit this out and just start this

1:07:50

company and start this I

1:07:54

would fucking love a Juicy Fruit

1:07:56

mixer. Yeah, they so good right

1:07:59

be Let me ask you a question. Here's my fear,

1:08:02

but I hope it's not true. I don't

1:08:04

think it's true. Certain foods are good as

1:08:06

one thing, but like you love roast beef

1:08:08

or whatever. Watermelon. Watermelon is

1:08:10

great as watermelon, but watermelon juice, you're like,

1:08:13

it's a little too much watermelon. How

1:08:15

did you just make too much watermelon? Why

1:08:17

do you love watermelon? I'll even take it

1:08:19

further, but I don't think it might apply to this.

1:08:21

I really don't. So I want to be really crystal clear with that.

1:08:24

But you take, you like steak, but

1:08:26

you wouldn't like steak flavored ice cream.

1:08:29

Yeah. It's like, Oh, it's good as steak, but it's

1:08:31

not good as ice cream. Well, they do that when

1:08:33

they do that with bacon. Bacon had this run like

1:08:35

candy, baby. And they

1:08:37

were like, no, they were like bacon

1:08:39

flavored sodas, bacon flavored bacon on bacon.

1:08:41

Did it not work? It

1:08:43

didn't stick. It was a fat bacon soda,

1:08:45

baking soda. They had bacon flavored every day.

1:08:48

I heard of Kevin bacon, but I never

1:08:50

heard of baking soda. Is that a friend?

1:08:52

I wonder if he had, I wonder cause

1:08:54

I, you know, the way the internet works, I wonder if

1:08:56

he had a spike in his career when that bacon kind

1:08:59

of hit big. It can't hurt it.

1:09:01

Let's put it that way. I bet he's talked about

1:09:03

it. Let's put it that way. I would trust

1:09:05

friends with Kevin bacon. Can I tell you what I went to

1:09:07

do radio the other day and Kevin bacon

1:09:09

went to prom with these. Why didn't

1:09:11

you, don't you love it? I love it. And they

1:09:14

said, Bert, would you ever go to prom? You ready

1:09:16

for my thing? And I'm putting this out there. I'm

1:09:18

putting this in the universe. This

1:09:20

is real. Are you going to go to the prom only

1:09:23

where you went to high school? No. Oh yeah. I'd go

1:09:25

to about high school. I'd go to Jesuit high school. I'd

1:09:27

go to that prom and they say, you know, you, you'd

1:09:30

go with a girl, you know, wants to take you

1:09:32

to prom like a, like high school girl wants you

1:09:34

to be your date. Send him a date or whatever.

1:09:36

Right. It's a door. I said, I'll go to prom

1:09:38

with a dude who is

1:09:40

in the closet and wants to come out

1:09:42

to his friends, but he doesn't know the right way and

1:09:45

I'll help you be that right way. I'll make it

1:09:47

cool. Like I'll, I'll put this out there. No, I

1:09:49

didn't. Oh, but you just did. I just did. Oh,

1:09:51

that's great. Now, by the way, it's not

1:09:53

for every kid that's in the closet. It's for a kid

1:09:55

that's in the closet and he wants to come out and

1:09:57

would love to do it this way. And he's like, and he's

1:09:59

an And his buddies definitely don't fucking

1:10:01

know and they're like and they're like,

1:10:04

but he plays football and he's like He's like

1:10:06

your star athlete and he's like, yeah, I don't

1:10:08

know how to tell him and then he hits

1:10:10

me up I go buddy. I'll be your to

1:10:12

prom date third and then we show up. Yeah

1:10:14

now this has to happen. Yeah, I'll do it

1:10:16

for that That's great. Yeah Like

1:10:19

that's why I was gonna say it on television So I was

1:10:21

like I'll be brought they never brought the Kevin Bacon thing I'll

1:10:24

tell you what I'd like to do what give a little

1:10:26

something towards the evening I'm gonna give you 30 packs

1:10:29

of juicy fruit coffee. I Want

1:10:32

it. I want to give back pretend. I

1:10:34

play my That's

1:10:37

great Because

1:10:40

there's gotta be dudes I know everything's very

1:10:42

very fluid these days I mean, it's like

1:10:44

but it's still also in LA.

1:10:47

I don't know if it's like that in the middle I think

1:10:49

everywhere it's tons better than it used to be but still So

1:10:52

there's still somebody struggling, you know, of course

1:10:54

there is and so like you

1:10:56

go to you live in fucking Harrisonburg, Virginia

1:10:59

And you're a bro and you love bar stool

1:11:02

and you love this podcast and two berries Just

1:11:04

like all your boys and you're like,

1:11:06

but I also like dudes I don't know how to tell

1:11:08

them and then you just hit

1:11:11

me up. I'll fly to Harrisonburg I'll be your

1:11:13

prom date. You can pick our outfits and

1:11:16

I'll just be like, okay, but we're all gonna hang out

1:11:18

have a blast tonight Oh jeez and then let's this

1:11:20

this is your new friend. This is now

1:11:22

he's hoping with you. That's like That's

1:11:26

the good work That's

1:11:28

the good work. You know, you're gonna think I'm

1:11:30

just saying this and maybe you'll think it's too

1:11:32

high of a but It's

1:11:34

just look We we all

1:11:36

are we all have faults we all but

1:11:39

like we try to like put some good

1:11:41

energy out there and mr Somebody

1:11:44

said that mrs. Rogers. They'll never

1:11:46

be another mr. Rogers Yeah,

1:11:49

I love her answer God that I fucking

1:11:51

love it. She goes. Oh, there will be

1:11:54

you just have to look There's moments of

1:11:56

it all the time and that's like a

1:11:58

good energy thing like that's like you

1:12:01

being Bert Kreischer and

1:12:03

then this person and then making

1:12:05

a good thing happen that's like

1:12:07

the good work and that's

1:12:09

like when you can do both and being and

1:12:14

being Bert Kreischer all through the whole thing it's

1:12:16

very funny it's also heartwarming and it's like oh

1:12:18

now you got to do that now here's what

1:12:20

I'm gonna put this I'm gonna tell you this

1:12:22

right now how about and

1:12:25

I'll take 80% of the

1:12:27

money I was gonna suggest

1:12:29

a show but I that's how I

1:12:31

start I'll take 80 well anyway I didn't want

1:12:33

to go too much but I think that's good that's good stuff

1:12:36

yeah I like that I know and I want it to happen

1:12:38

I would I would I would love

1:12:40

sure I've had uh here's the problem though what

1:12:42

though I knew it I knew you were gonna

1:12:45

not do it I'm

1:12:47

gonna kill myself right

1:12:50

tonight I promise I'm going to do

1:12:54

cuz I'll be so upset cuz you won't do

1:12:56

this I had a lot going for me my

1:12:58

mom just died a year ago I miss

1:13:01

her she I wish it was

1:13:04

when she was just dead it

1:13:06

was so much better all right

1:13:09

what I mean by that is there's more

1:13:11

love you know yeah a year after someone

1:13:13

dies you're like god I miss when they

1:13:15

were just dead like that was people were

1:13:17

really reaching out to me but back to

1:13:19

you with that the problem is the problem

1:13:21

is like it's like you

1:13:23

may be like he's only doing it for

1:13:26

good publicity like he's only doing it

1:13:28

like they know if I did it

1:13:30

would have to be kept under wraps and

1:13:32

it would just have to be for that

1:13:34

kid and those friends so like someone

1:13:38

videotapes it all of a sudden everyone

1:13:40

everyone there's a girl with the cancer

1:13:43

and she hit me up and she has

1:13:46

like her everyone sent me this it's been sent

1:13:48

to me she has her life goals before

1:13:50

she passes and one of her goals

1:13:53

is to party with the machine and I said I

1:13:55

saw that I can definitely fucking happen and

1:13:58

I said I'm gonna be in Tampa she's from Tampa, I'm gonna

1:14:00

be in Tampa. We couldn't make that

1:14:02

day cause I got sick. And so it

1:14:04

didn't happen. I go fly to Atlanta and

1:14:06

they're like, ah, she's fucking, she's cooking eggs with

1:14:09

fucking Gordon Ramsay. Like she kind of, he's

1:14:11

one of her wishes and Gordon Ramsay did

1:14:13

it. But Gordon Ramsay like

1:14:15

posted about it and said, you know, I'm

1:14:18

with this kid. And there's a thing I

1:14:20

find about that, about like it being like

1:14:23

a little, a

1:14:25

little like when you do

1:14:27

it for the internet. And so, so I said to

1:14:29

them, I said, I'll do it. She can post it,

1:14:31

she can record whatever she wants. We will

1:14:33

not film it. I don't wanna film it. I'm we were

1:14:35

gonna, now I'm telling you about it. So that's even worse

1:14:38

cause now I'm like, I didn't even do it. But here's

1:14:40

the, here's the sort of the, maybe

1:14:42

the, I don't wanna say sad

1:14:44

truth is that I could see why you want,

1:14:47

you know, people would wanna steer away from that.

1:14:49

And I think everyone's dealt with that at one

1:14:51

level or another. But the part

1:14:53

that makes it hard is sometimes it can be

1:14:55

both. And

1:14:58

it can be both. You can go, wow, that was well

1:15:00

done. And sharing it

1:15:03

helps normalize it. You know, especially

1:15:05

with just this specific thing that

1:15:07

you're doing, it's, you

1:15:10

know, you're helping some kid like, you

1:15:12

know, come out of the closet

1:15:14

and it's a fun way to do it. It's like,

1:15:16

you win the fuck and come out of the closet

1:15:18

lottery. You know what I mean? It

1:15:20

makes goddamn it. I think they picked me. Are you fucking

1:15:23

shitting me? So it's very exciting. And it

1:15:25

happens and it is heartwarming. I guess I could still do

1:15:27

it. I just go, and then the people know that I'm

1:15:29

not, I'm not gonna film it. I'm not doing it for,

1:15:31

I'm just doing it. They

1:15:34

just take whatever they take. You

1:15:36

don't have to share it, let them share it. But I don't

1:15:38

think there's anything, I think it can be both, but I get

1:15:40

why you wanna leave. Like, you're

1:15:42

like, ah, you know, because I made judgments. You

1:15:45

know what, you know, when I make the on Honda, on

1:15:48

Honda, they have these ads and I used to have a

1:15:50

joke in my act. I didn't do it that long. And

1:15:53

Honda would go, I'm all right with

1:15:55

somebody, but it has to be

1:15:57

at a certain, you know, he can't make too big of a deal,

1:15:59

he gave a dollar. You know and Honda

1:16:01

would have these things where they would go hey

1:16:03

help on the days And like we

1:16:05

heard you're having a hard time with a new washing machine

1:16:07

and dryer, so we got you a new one no No,

1:16:11

not for a national ad You

1:16:14

cannot get credit for buying them a

1:16:16

washer to dry if you're gonna be

1:16:19

Honda You're gonna help somebody you better

1:16:21

be paid off the fucking mortgage Okay,

1:16:24

go hey we heard You we

1:16:26

heard that your cat needs a

1:16:28

$300 operation that right now.

1:16:30

You don't have the money for no No,

1:16:33

not on national television You

1:16:36

know all over the internet. You're not gonna

1:16:38

advertise you're giving them fucking six hundred and

1:16:41

eighty dollars for a for a new smack

1:16:43

a garbage I

1:16:47

just drooled Making any sense

1:16:49

no that makes total sense so what you're

1:16:51

saying wonders Money

1:16:54

money involved with what you're doing no So I

1:16:56

think that's a good thing but I donating the

1:16:58

donating thing I was like like I was It

1:17:02

was you know what it was too is I was

1:17:04

being on the sponsor of yours because

1:17:06

if they are I I'm

1:17:10

sorry I would put go fund me and I would

1:17:12

always leave my name up because I

1:17:14

like if someone was I you know Got

1:17:16

hit by a car. I'd be like yeah, here's whatever

1:17:18

and I'd leave my name up I was like I

1:17:20

want the credit all people know I'm a good person

1:17:23

and then I and and I think this was the

1:17:26

Me growing out of that and going oh you

1:17:28

can do good things but and not take credit

1:17:30

for them and still feel good Oh,

1:17:33

I only thought it mattered if people knew you

1:17:35

did the good thing Like I was like

1:17:37

it doesn't like if no one knows you did it

1:17:39

then did the tree fall into the forest if it?

1:17:41

No one there to see it Wow,

1:17:44

I mean ultimately that To

1:17:46

put your that thought process is probably the

1:17:49

the healthier one But maybe you fall somewhere in between

1:17:51

but yeah, yeah, that's that's so funny It's like you

1:17:53

get to the point where you're like I know what

1:17:55

you mean like you just want to say hey Just

1:17:58

so you know I I like I contribute I

1:18:00

had that with a friend. I wanted to, sorry to cut you

1:18:02

off, I would always want to share

1:18:04

them. And then you share them back in the day

1:18:06

and then people go, how come you're giving them money?

1:18:08

So then you give money and share them. And then

1:18:11

they're like, why don't you just pay it off? And

1:18:13

then you're like, okay. So I stopped sharing.

1:18:15

So now I'm just at a place where I go, we

1:18:19

donate money, but it's 50-50 raffles. But.

1:18:23

But. But. Or

1:18:26

I can win back money. Watch your mouth. I think

1:18:28

I had to give back that fucking money to the fucking

1:18:31

charity. I think I kept it. I

1:18:33

can't remember. What? What you talking

1:18:35

about? Did I keep it? Well, I don't like that

1:18:37

character. Edit it out. You see me running towards the

1:18:40

camera and there's a lot of them. You know what

1:18:42

this guy said to me on radio? He goes, I

1:18:44

love your black accent. Can you do that for me?

1:18:46

And I went, I go, wait, I don't think I

1:18:48

do that in my act, but I go, but part

1:18:51

of me goes, part of me almost wanted

1:18:54

to do it. Another guy in this radio

1:18:56

interview today said, so you hold the set,

1:18:59

you hold the world's record for the longest

1:19:01

comedy set, seven hours and 92 minutes.

1:19:04

And I almost said,

1:19:08

I almost said yes. Cause I was like, maybe I

1:19:10

do. I don't even know. And then

1:19:12

I was like, and then I go, wait, I don't think so.

1:19:14

Wait, yes to what? I'm sorry. So just, I

1:19:16

almost lied and was like, like,

1:19:18

yeah, I hold the record, world record. Cause I was like,

1:19:21

I didn't want him to look foolish. Cause it was an

1:19:23

act of question. Oh, right, right, right. And then I would

1:19:25

have just lied. And then he would have been, and I

1:19:27

was like, what if he was like, I

1:19:30

just made that up. Why

1:19:32

they want to make you look like an idiot? Nerd.

1:19:36

This sort of same thing happened to me. I have

1:19:38

really bad dyslexia. So I don't like when I get

1:19:40

picked, I went to the comedy magic castle, a

1:19:42

long time ago and they make you pick a card, right away,

1:19:45

I'm nervous. So the

1:19:47

guy asked me eventually, I'm trying to make the story

1:19:49

short. At one point he goes, is this your card?

1:19:51

And I don't remember my card. I remember really trying

1:19:53

to remember it. I remember just say it, say it,

1:19:55

say it. Cause I tell you what, I don't want

1:19:57

to be to this guy. And you'll, you'll get it.

1:20:00

I won't want to be a heckler to a magician.

1:20:03

Yeah, I want to be good Service

1:20:05

him. I want to try fucking right so when he

1:20:07

says is this your card bird. I swear to God

1:20:09

I go I faked it pretty good.

1:20:11

I go. I don't know what my card is,

1:20:13

but I go in my head. He's working here

1:20:16

This is not an easy place. He knows tricks

1:20:18

card tricks, so I go shut the fuck I

1:20:20

feel like I cut myself off. I go shut

1:20:22

the fuck like how did you do that? But

1:20:24

anyway, I realized but also I know exactly right

1:20:26

away. What happened he went. Are you sure then

1:20:28

I get it? He's doing that diversion thing where he

1:20:30

goes is this your card and you go no and

1:20:32

the whole room supposed to go This guy's a

1:20:34

sham yeah, and then he pulls it out of his

1:20:37

ass. You know there shit all over it He's

1:20:39

like look at this. You're like oh my god, so

1:20:41

he didn't do that of course But that's the trick

1:20:44

so when I said he was this your card. I

1:20:46

go Yeah, shut the fuck up, and

1:20:48

he gives me a look of are you sure No,

1:20:52

I don't know please I don't don't

1:20:54

do that Don't

1:20:57

do that joke in your act don't do

1:20:59

that trick anymore It's anything, but anyway, we'll

1:21:02

take a break. We'll be back our guesses

1:21:04

Bert Kreischer We'll be going through

1:21:06

the night Bert will take us in the three

1:21:08

in the morning. We'll take your calls 365

1:21:12

4100 will take your cell phone calls free in the

1:21:14

car oh That

1:21:16

was really a radio station. I was

1:21:18

good WWDB 365 4100 calls

1:21:21

free from your car Call

1:21:25

us free from your car.

1:21:27

Yes, the I kept I had

1:21:29

a guy do a

1:21:31

magic trick to me in Vegas

1:21:34

at the Super Bowl and but it was

1:21:36

though it was a it was

1:21:38

it was a I don't even know if it was an Illusion

1:21:40

it was he goes I Pick

1:21:45

a card any card. I'm ruining the

1:21:47

trick. I'm but and I pick

1:21:49

card and he goes great Put

1:21:52

it back in the deck, and I put it

1:21:54

back in the deck He goes think of someone

1:21:56

you'll see today, and I had two names I

1:21:58

had Kevin Clancy

1:22:00

and Dave Portnoy and he goes I

1:22:02

should not know these names and I

1:22:05

went those are two names He won't know

1:22:07

and he said all right now pick one pick a

1:22:09

name and I went Kevin Clancy

1:22:11

and then he goes all right you pick the name and

1:22:13

then I and in my head I go I should switch

1:22:16

it real quick Let's

1:22:18

see if he knows and then I didn't switch it

1:22:20

and I went back to Kevin Clancy and then he

1:22:23

fucking wrote it on The court was written on the

1:22:25

card and I was blown away. I was like, but

1:22:28

He didn't know if I was gonna switch it like what

1:22:30

if and is he really magic? What

1:22:34

if I got my my my free

1:22:36

will Didn't switch

1:22:38

it my free will didn't switch it. I could

1:22:40

have switched it, right? I could have switched guess

1:22:42

what it's bigger than that. Like I

1:22:45

think what you're saying first of all To

1:22:47

me unless it's this type of magic I say

1:22:50

if it's not close-up or this I don't

1:22:52

give a shit no disrespect I

1:22:54

really don't oh I made the Empire

1:22:56

State Building disappear I don't give a

1:22:58

fuck to me It's close-up magic and

1:23:01

I'm sure the guys that do good close-ups

1:23:03

lay the hand agree with me Yeah, yeah,

1:23:05

this is the fucking real deal. And

1:23:08

when you watch that close-up magic, you're like What

1:23:11

the fuck? Oh, like you think when

1:23:13

they you know, they earn your respect

1:23:15

because you're like, all right Someone's pulling

1:23:17

out cards. Yeah, because you

1:23:19

know, sometimes it can be all right. It's good But

1:23:21

when someone knows what the fuck they're doing It's

1:23:24

it's close-up magic is so much

1:23:27

fun And I think especially

1:23:29

if you're on any type of

1:23:31

lucid Jenna, you know What's

1:23:33

the word I'm trying to say? So the Jenna? Yeah

1:23:35

any type I think I almost made my eight mushrooms

1:23:37

this morning Really? I almost did they were

1:23:39

my fridge. I saw them and I went I

1:23:41

should have a nibble I'm feeling off today

1:23:44

and I didn't I worked out and I feel fucking

1:23:46

amazing keep going. I'm sorry No, you don't to be

1:23:48

sorry being Laurie But

1:23:51

The mushrooms made me think of

1:23:54

something with Andy Frasco Andy Frasco will make me

1:23:56

do things outside of my comfort zone And I

1:23:58

love his like I'm when I'm with him.

1:24:00

I'm like, Jesus, I just love

1:24:02

him and I know why. By the way,

1:24:04

one of the things that's,

1:24:07

we can have our flaws, everybody,

1:24:09

but our good qualities are, Andy

1:24:11

has a cross equality with you,

1:24:13

excitable about life. So

1:24:16

it's fun to be around and it's real. But Andy

1:24:19

Fresco will put me in situations where I

1:24:21

would not go into myself. He makes me

1:24:23

go out of it and a lot of

1:24:25

it is drug related and you

1:24:27

know what? I like it. I like

1:24:29

that I don't have to be done,

1:24:31

experience that stuff. I will do, I'll

1:24:33

be with Andy and I always think he knows

1:24:36

somebody really well and there's a trust. We

1:24:38

got into a van when I was in San

1:24:40

Antonio after my show with a friend of his,

1:24:42

like a close friend of his and he has

1:24:44

mushrooms. So you trust the guy, take mushrooms in

1:24:46

a van. I'm taking mushrooms. We get out Andy

1:24:48

later and then I go, oh yeah, how do

1:24:50

you know that guy? It's always something like, oh yeah,

1:24:55

you know a dumpster fell on him and

1:24:59

I met him at a music festival. I thought you

1:25:01

knew that guy really well. And then

1:25:03

you're in a van doing mushrooms, which is something I

1:25:05

wouldn't do in my normal life. And then just

1:25:10

going on that tour with him, seeing what

1:25:12

musicians do, I couldn't get

1:25:15

enough of it. Like watching them

1:25:17

rehearse and it's

1:25:19

like, and I know it might sound

1:25:21

cliche, but like it's all, it's their own language. And I

1:25:23

would love being around it when they would be, Hey, can

1:25:25

you do this or what? We're going to come in with

1:25:28

that or we'll don't, you know what, just give it a,

1:25:30

just give us a second. We'll come in on the two

1:25:32

count. And I'm just sitting there

1:25:34

every night watching these musicians before he

1:25:36

just, this band that he was assembled

1:25:38

for his podcast, they would fucking turn

1:25:41

it up when the show started and

1:25:43

all of them would play after maybe

1:25:45

45 minutes of rehearsal. We'll

1:25:47

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1:29:25

It's crazy when you see a

1:29:28

musician, like I

1:29:30

don't do any sound checks. I never do a

1:29:32

sound check. And I've never done a

1:29:34

sound check. But I also travel with the same crew. That's not

1:29:36

fair. Like Tom does a sound check every

1:29:38

night, but he gets a new crew every night. So he

1:29:40

wants to make sure that he's happy. I

1:29:43

have the same 18 dudes that travel

1:29:45

with me everywhere. So they

1:29:47

know my levels immediately. They can do my sound check

1:29:49

for me. As a matter of fact, I've watched him

1:29:51

do my sound check for me and they make fun

1:29:54

of me. They're like, uh, when

1:29:56

I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mob. My

1:30:00

wife's ugly, my job, I'm

1:30:02

fat, my daughters are dumb. And

1:30:07

so, but yeah, those

1:30:09

musicians, my favorite thing, I would love to go

1:30:11

see sound checks instead of the concert. When

1:30:16

what you said about... Who cares? One

1:30:25

time I was with Rory Scoville, he goes, let it

1:30:27

go. I always try

1:30:29

to remember, well, he passed away. Rory

1:30:33

Scoville is dead. People let

1:30:35

the word get out there, not a lot of

1:30:37

people know. Rory Scoville passed away over the weekend.

1:30:39

He was a close friend of mine. And

1:30:42

please tweet nice things at his wife, Jordan.

1:30:44

He's dead. Don't go

1:30:46

searching if it's true or not. It's upsetting his

1:30:48

family. Oh, that kind of set

1:30:50

where you googling. They don't want to see

1:30:53

it trending. I

1:30:57

want him to just leave. Be done with

1:30:59

it. That's my manipulation of it. He's gone.

1:31:01

I don't want to see it. Just accept

1:31:04

it. Send your condolences, but don't ask because...

1:31:07

So anyway, I was thinking about something. We're

1:31:09

talking about, and this is

1:31:11

the voice memo I left myself when you were

1:31:13

talking about as you, you know, crying and

1:31:16

I go, you know, even if you get

1:31:18

it half right, which means what? Me

1:31:20

and my brother talk about this. The

1:31:24

cliche may be, am I

1:31:26

doing what's important in life? After

1:31:31

I lost my mom and a close

1:31:33

friend and like, you know, other

1:31:35

people have been through this. I won't

1:31:37

be the first, but am I doing what's important in life? And...

1:31:42

Bird, what am I talking about? Help

1:31:45

me, please. I'm so close to a thought. It's

1:31:48

going to be worth it. I promise. But

1:31:50

what am I talking about? You

1:31:52

know, I think you know back. Please

1:31:55

help me. No, it's a good

1:31:57

thing. I gotta remember it. May pretend for

1:31:59

a million. And

1:32:03

you're doing the right

1:32:05

thing, even if you're doing the right thing.

1:32:08

Oh, so if you're going in the right

1:32:10

way of appreciating life, it means you

1:32:12

just get more appreciative of life. As you get older,

1:32:14

you must get more appreciative of life. And maybe that's

1:32:16

why we're crying. Because

1:32:18

maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe it's sort

1:32:20

of like saying, yeah, things touch you more. You

1:32:24

get some simple thing. So

1:32:27

I said into my phone, I go leaving a message. I

1:32:29

go, so what's the rest of my life just probably

1:32:32

be fucking bawling all day long. It

1:32:34

doesn't put me in a bad mood either.

1:32:36

Matter of fact, out of it, it releases

1:32:38

an endorphins of like a high more than,

1:32:40

and I work out seven days a week,

1:32:42

every fucking day of the year. Nothing

1:32:45

opens up my sad cry. Not

1:32:51

when it's personal, obviously. I like not when it's personal,

1:32:53

but you know what I mean? A heartwarming story. It

1:32:55

doesn't have to be about death. I like a good

1:32:58

cry. I

1:33:00

don't anticipate, I'm

1:33:03

not excited for the cry I get when my

1:33:05

dad dies or my mom dies. I'm not looking

1:33:07

forward to that cry. No, no, no. This

1:33:09

is a different. I like the cry when you're

1:33:11

watching Walking Tall on a Plane

1:33:14

with The Rock. Such a great movie. And

1:33:17

he stands up, he takes his shirt off, and he

1:33:20

shows the scars on his back. And you start crying.

1:33:22

I like those cries. I don't

1:33:24

mind nostalgic cries. I cry

1:33:26

a lot when I think about death. I

1:33:29

cry a lot about when I think about

1:33:33

my daughters and if I won't see

1:33:35

their whole life. Or

1:33:38

I cry, I almost cried the other

1:33:40

day driving through Hollywood because it was where we

1:33:42

lived when the girls were young. And so all

1:33:44

those back streets that we would take, I knew

1:33:47

them all, but I hadn't driven down them in

1:33:49

fucking 10 years. And

1:33:52

I got nostalgic. My

1:33:54

dad gets, you can get my

1:33:56

dad to cry very easy. My

1:33:59

niece. on

1:34:01

Disneyland, my niece wanted to sleep in

1:34:03

bed with him, she was scared, and

1:34:06

my dad goes, do you remember when Georgia did

1:34:08

that to me? And he started just crying, going

1:34:10

like, God man, I get so

1:34:12

morose these days when I think about

1:34:14

all the things I've done. I think

1:34:16

that's what it is. Like when you're

1:34:19

fucking 33, you

1:34:21

think about all the shit you're doing. I think

1:34:23

when you're 50, you think about all the

1:34:25

shit you've done. And I

1:34:28

think that can overwhelm you. I think you start looking

1:34:30

at like, I

1:34:34

think Bobby Kelly had a great joke about it, and he

1:34:36

goes, I got 30 more summers left. That's it. I

1:34:39

remember looking at him and going, buddy, you're 400

1:34:41

pounds, I don't know if it's 30. And

1:34:44

Bobby, I remember Bobby got his feelings 30, he goes,

1:34:46

what do you mean? And I was like, I mean,

1:34:48

30's a big fucking number, you're really, he's lost weight,

1:34:50

he's lost weight. We were on cowheads cruise, and I

1:34:52

was like 30, I was like, make it like a

1:34:54

believable number, say like 15, and he was like, what?

1:34:56

And I was like, I'm just saying, we're both fat

1:34:59

guys. But I think when

1:35:01

you start looking at life like, oh wow, it is,

1:35:04

there is, well I'm losing friends. People

1:35:06

are dying. One

1:35:09

day, it'll happen to me. And

1:35:13

I know what Leanne will say to me

1:35:15

when I die. I

1:35:17

know what she'll say to me. I

1:35:19

get emotional thinking of that. I get really

1:35:21

emotional just thinking like, that's real. That's

1:35:24

very real. I know I hate it. I

1:35:27

don't wanna die, and I know I'm not the only one.

1:35:30

But I just go, and you

1:35:32

know what? I think about it a lot now, especially

1:35:35

with my mom. I

1:35:40

wanted to say something about what you

1:35:42

said about, because

1:35:44

I'm with you, when I think about cries, it doesn't

1:35:46

have to be about my family. But guess what? Sometimes

1:35:49

it does both, and it still doesn't put you in

1:35:51

a bad mood. And I'll condense

1:35:53

this as much as I can, but I think

1:35:56

it's worthwhile telling. My

1:35:58

mom recently died. She would start buying

1:36:01

these things over the years like in the last three

1:36:03

years. Even 10 years ago I want you to remember

1:36:05

me by this, you know, I'm like and I I

1:36:07

would say mom I'm gonna

1:36:09

remember you by this. I say this word funny

1:36:12

spatula, you know to make flip cookies with ya

1:36:14

So I go because I had she we had

1:36:16

one in our household since we were little like

1:36:18

the same spatula about 15 years ago I framed

1:36:21

it for my mom. I took it from my

1:36:23

house I framed it and I went

1:36:25

over 1 million cookies made with this is spatula, right?

1:36:27

So I go back home a year later I

1:36:30

go what happened to it. He was out of the frame. She goes. Oh, I

1:36:32

needed it. Oh Jesus

1:36:35

Christ so that I go mom I'll have that

1:36:37

a spatula like I would tell her that three

1:36:39

years ago I told her that I go

1:36:41

mom. I'll have that a spatula. So Am

1:36:52

I saying it wrong? No, are you saying A

1:36:56

spatula or spatula? Spatula

1:36:59

spatula, you know, we all know what I'm talking

1:37:01

about. Do you know what it is? Did

1:37:05

I say it right I spatula

1:37:09

Spatula you were saying a spatula. I

1:37:11

was it's not a spatula. Hey, I

1:37:13

heard someone say I thought it was

1:37:15

soap poppers I thought it was soap poppers

1:37:17

till I was 35. I Thought

1:37:20

it was soap poppers 35 years old. There's

1:37:23

a lot of these out there by the way these things

1:37:25

that people find out later in life So

1:37:27

but anyway back to my back to the

1:37:29

back to the mom here. Look

1:37:31

at me right back so

1:37:34

so I'm laying in bed and again,

1:37:37

you know just that obviously that my mom had

1:37:39

just passed away about a year ago and It's

1:37:42

thinking about the thing. Oh, I want you to have this you I

1:37:44

go mom. I'm gonna remember you by this spatula

1:37:48

So so I get home and

1:37:51

I take off and you know all these things

1:37:53

sound so cliche and you know, they're true You

1:37:55

never know what's gonna remind you of somebody and

1:37:58

man, of course, you know it on paper

1:38:00

you could write an essay on it and you get

1:38:02

an A++. But when it happens

1:38:04

I get home I take off my shoes

1:38:07

and my you know the things there

1:38:10

for the insoles yeah I realized she died a year

1:38:12

ago but I just realized this a month ago that

1:38:14

her dog chewed them when I was home and

1:38:17

I was like that's the last thing that her

1:38:22

dog will ever chew of mine you

1:38:24

know and when it happened I remember I went into the

1:38:26

living room I'm like her dog a dog I like that

1:38:28

she had and I would be like do you know who

1:38:30

did this and it was in her mouth you

1:38:32

know and you play that whole game where you go

1:38:34

you've oh if I could find them but you don't

1:38:36

know who it is do you meanwhile drop she drops

1:38:39

it so it was and then but I then so

1:38:41

I'm sitting in

1:38:43

bed I think I look at the thing I'm

1:38:45

like oh can't believe I never realized that I

1:38:47

have these things put them from my sneaks into

1:38:49

my shoe all the time I just realized it

1:38:51

then I see the a spatula up there spatula

1:38:53

and then I'm I promise

1:38:57

you this is true well about

1:38:59

five years ago I was home this says you'll

1:39:01

never know how you remember people that's just I'm

1:39:03

relating it I was home

1:39:06

and I went into the to my mom's like

1:39:08

linen closet to get a blanket to sleep but

1:39:10

she goes oh don't use that one that's a

1:39:12

puppy blanket which means she had a literal puppies

1:39:14

and they probably peed and pooped all

1:39:16

over it for 15 years you know

1:39:18

I said oh it's so soft I like it so I

1:39:21

used it and not only did I like it I

1:39:23

took it and when I

1:39:25

got home I had the edges trimmed and

1:39:27

I had new edges you can put on

1:39:29

it like a tan edging on a white

1:39:31

blanket Clorox living shit out of it I

1:39:33

love it it's so goddamn soft and you

1:39:35

know what it's got puppy shit and puppy

1:39:37

piss the DNA of it and I think

1:39:39

that's so I love it so I'm in

1:39:41

bed looking at the spatula with the puppy

1:39:43

blanket that's probably been pissed all and shit

1:39:45

all over and there's a stray cat that's

1:39:47

sort of taking a liking to me and

1:39:49

I'm about to let it sleep in my

1:39:51

room it could have fleas and

1:39:54

I think mom if you only fucking

1:39:56

knew like You're all over

1:39:58

me, you know? I'm you. I. Knew

1:40:00

you know what I mean. Nhs warm

1:40:02

my heart and it didn't ruin my

1:40:05

night. It is made the night something

1:40:07

better. It's a sad that didn't this.

1:40:09

you know the old can be as

1:40:11

low as you can be high or

1:40:14

something like that, you know? So but

1:40:16

there you go. I measure my has

1:40:18

fearful of my lows. Wow.

1:40:21

What a zam Someone say that Know I

1:40:23

I I just. Added. The

1:40:25

I was I was. I

1:40:28