0:00

We just had the best night of our fucking lives. Tops

0:14

off World Tour, Portland, Maine on the 25th, Uncastable

0:17

Connecticut, Reading, Pennsylvania, Fayetteville, North

0:19

Carolina, Thackerville, May 16th, Tulsa,

0:22

and ending in Austin, May 18th. Tops

0:25

off World Tour. Ladies

0:27

and gentlemen, brand new episode

0:30

of The Birdcast at James

0:32

Madison University. I

0:35

never do intros anymore, but

0:39

it is important for this episode because

0:41

we are a fraternity.

0:43

We joined the Pi Kappa Psi

0:45

last night. I'm

0:48

the treasurer. You guys are still here.

0:54

I'm a freshman. We

0:57

had one of the best nights of

0:59

our entire lives at the University of

1:01

Tennessee. We got finals coming up next.

1:04

We got, we crashed a

1:06

fraternity party and we stole their youthful

1:08

energy and we've been riding it for

1:10

the past 24 hours. We were

1:13

invited. We didn't crash it. We were invited. What

1:16

a fucking. No, we did both. We

1:18

were invited and we crashed. Yeah, I

1:20

think Burt was invited and we crashed.

1:22

Yeah, that's what happened. Sipha crashed and

1:25

stole the party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

1:27

That was something to see. Superpowered.

1:31

Let's walk through how all, let's, OK.

1:34

Let's backpedal. Yeah, I missed the first part. So

1:37

you guys went out. So we went out

1:39

for lunch. First of all, we've had a great, great,

1:41

great run this week. Yeah, it's been awesome. We were

1:43

at United Center. We were at

1:45

Columbus. Columbus. The

1:47

blue jackets are going to be back to

1:50

Russia wide, I think last place, but still

1:52

trying hard and then we did University of

1:54

Tennessee and we got up

1:56

early. I

1:58

didn't, I didn't sleep well. We got I

2:00

got kind of early you woke up in a bad Out

2:04

so I did I did Yeah,

2:06

she's not like a Vietnam vet. I Hate

2:09

that that happens to me. I have like I don't

2:12

know if it's intrusive thought But

2:14

it's like not being able to control your brain.

2:16

Do you guys control your brains? No, not a brain

2:19

is a mess So worst, I don't

2:21

think anybody really can yeah, Lee am

2:24

Okay, I mean fucking goes I ain't thinking about that

2:27

Let's go fuck you there's somebody inside my

2:29

head and he hates my yeah, say why

2:32

don't they would do you think

2:34

sociopaths? Do you think the boys in their

2:36

head loves them? Maybe Look good.

2:38

Yeah Hey, buddy, the

2:40

way you strangled that cat with hey, okay If

2:44

you ever talked to somebody the way you talked

2:46

to yourself in your head, they would punch you

2:49

in the face Yeah, you wouldn't be friends with

2:51

them. Yeah, I When

2:53

when do you think that started showing up for you? I

2:55

don't think it was there for me as a kid I

2:57

think I learned it. I had it

2:59

as a kid. Yeah all the way back as far as I

3:02

can remember I will never I've never been

3:04

in my head like dude. You're killing it like it's

3:06

never been oh no I

3:08

said to Mike I said to my trainer the other day Yeah,

3:14

by the way, we get a close-up

3:16

on my tan line I

3:19

have to wear a hat for the next week Like

3:23

I'm gonna be in a meeting with a hat on we're

3:25

going out for a walk in the Sun now So we're

3:27

gonna get another one When

3:29

I was a kid, I would think I Swear

3:33

to God I would think I have superior

3:35

body features You

3:38

are the perfect amount of delusion What

3:43

what eight-year-old goes I have superior body features I

3:46

still think it I think my legs you got

3:48

good like in beautiful I've been got good like

3:50

I think my hands my forearms are great I

3:53

love my shoulders and what I was saying

3:55

to my trainer when she when she's you

3:57

are a strange mix I have great lips

4:00

I have a strong nose, beautiful eyes, beautiful

4:02

eyes. Okay, I'll give you the eyes. Beautiful

4:04

eyes. This is also how I'm not sure,

4:06

like I got a couple good features and

4:08

then went on to list every part of

4:10

your body. I got a huge cock. My

4:12

dick is solid. My dick is solid, I

4:14

love my dick. Like I love my dick.

4:16

Like I, this is gonna sound

4:18

really creepy. I don't even know

4:21

my dick. I will sometimes get turned on

4:23

stroking my own way. What the fuck is?

4:25

Like if, like, like, like, Leanne and

4:27

I were fooling around the other

4:29

night and we've gotten a little more adventurous and

4:32

I was just, we've always been playful.

4:34

Like roller coasters and stuff. And so.

4:39

Trying Asian fusion food, what is it? Tax

4:44

max, you believe it? I

4:48

like how this started. How do you mean like,

4:51

do you guys have bad thoughts? My dick is

4:53

gorgeous. I, I.

4:58

I mean, getting in your brain

5:00

would be nuts. It

5:02

should be a magic school bus episode. What's your favorite

5:04

part of your body? Go around the room. We'll start

5:06

with fully. Your

5:09

body. I

5:12

like your, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna start. I'll

5:14

give, I'm gonna tell you what I

5:16

am drawn to in you. Okay? Okay.

5:19

Your smile. Okay. Your hair.

5:21

Your eyes. Are you really? They're

5:25

not great. I'm missing three. How

5:30

do you go past one? How

5:33

do you go past one? They're

5:37

in the back. It

5:40

was right when I started. It was really. They're

5:42

like the slow kids in glasses. Teacher doesn't focus on

5:44

them. She knows he left behind. Only one of the

5:46

cronerays are handy focuses on. It

5:49

was when I was, when I just started comedy, there

5:51

were all three of them were root canals that just

5:54

went bad and I couldn't afford to get them fixed.

5:56

Like an old well. Wow.

6:00

squirrel down there. You know it's funny when people

6:02

lose teeth usually they lose weight with it.

6:07

The teeth just got out of the way so we can get

6:09

more food in his mouth like her. I had molars or a

6:11

motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. I miss Pat was the

6:14

first one to tell me she said,

6:18

she said something for like I don't trust

6:20

a man who doesn't have his molars or something

6:22

like funny. And I didn't know what I

6:25

can't date a man who doesn't have his molars and take care

6:27

of himself. And I was like that's so funny. And then also

6:29

I have molar problems. And I went, Oh,

6:31

oh, it's because I'm not flossing back there.

6:34

I'm not doing I'm not water picking like a

6:36

guy that does that takes care of all of

6:38

his teeth. I just take care of the front

6:40

ones. But I have more

6:42

problems. It got really do a good

6:44

job with those. That's the only thing

6:46

that I like obsessively take care

6:48

of on my body. Yeah, I floss twice

6:50

a day. I brush my teeth like two

6:53

or three times a day. Mouthwash brush my

6:55

tongue everything. It was just root

6:57

canals are bad and I just couldn't afford to

6:59

get them fixed at the time. But now you're

7:01

killing me. Yeah, I've seen your

7:03

Patreon and you can get I don't need you

7:05

on that. I don't want to I would have

7:07

to get implants in I don't want to go

7:10

through that I want to have you got to

7:12

like drill in there. Yeah. Then the metal doesn't

7:14

take and some shit sometimes the

7:16

metal doesn't take a friend who got lost

7:19

her front tooth. Lonnie

7:21

Newman. Absolutely beautiful. I

7:23

can say that we don't work together. I mean,

7:25

I like I said that doing we work together.

7:27

We work together on birth conquer. She

7:29

been into a frozen Snickers bar and

7:31

shattered her front tooth and

7:34

had to go toothless. And it

7:36

was so fucking awesome. She was

7:38

so beautiful. And then she she'd

7:40

have a flipper and

7:42

she'd take it out. And we get drunk and

7:45

I would love being around. I

7:47

have thought about because

7:49

everybody says it looks like I have no teeth. veneers.

7:53

But then if they look bad, they will

7:55

look bad. And they can't go like they

7:57

shave your teeth down right? They just know.

7:59

Yeah. I have 26 fake teeth. You

8:01

do? Yeah, all my teeth are fake all the way.

8:03

I'm not show them to you If anyone ever sees

8:05

a picture of me smiling with my mouth open from

8:07

the golds all the way down and golds all the

8:10

way Dax. I never asked you how do you get

8:12

gold teeth? Did you get that's just how they did

8:14

it when you were young when I was a kid

8:16

I was 11 years old. So uncle Luke was hot.

8:18

I did it. Yeah. Well, no, they didn't have they

8:21

didn't have They didn't have

8:23

a white enamel or white porcelain to go in

8:25

the back yet. Hmm. So I had golds I

8:28

had golds and silvers up to

8:30

here and then that when I got into

8:32

high school, they Replaced

8:35

some they showed up with the technology So

8:38

then these are now white and then

8:40

not white but uh, and I I was gonna

8:42

get my teeth fixed Just get because I already

8:44

have it done Just haven't replaced me get brand

8:46

new ones when I was gonna shoot the movie

8:49

and my wife was like no She

8:51

was I get distracted when I see too pretty of

8:53

teeth. Yeah, sure She goes it

8:55

and she goes and you don't want people to watch

8:57

a movie and go you got his teeth done Yeah,

8:59

especially the for the movie Yeah When the movie is

9:02

kind of rough and rugged like you'd look it and

9:04

I got out the movie Yeah, and

9:06

so I was like, yeah good call

9:09

and now I just kind of like I

9:11

know that it's not like it'll catch me Sometimes but

9:13

if you ever like for the special they'll Photoshop your

9:15

teeth white. So I go. Oh,

9:17

who cares sweet. Yeah My

9:20

11th birthday I hit the mouth of the baseball bat and

9:23

it knocked out everything shit Yeah,

9:25

I'm doing a gold tooth at 11 is tight though

9:30

Okay, let's go back to your favorite features Yeah,

9:33

I mean my hair but yeah, that's

9:35

pretty much it definitely hit my dick. I can

9:37

tell you that. Oh, hello. I got robbed Factory

9:43

I Don't

9:46

even know what I I think like it when I

9:48

am in when I'm thinner I have

9:50

good shoulders When

9:52

I'm thinner, but now I'm you got good eyes. I'll

9:54

give you that you got really good. I don't got

9:56

a guy I got nice baby blues. You have those

9:58

weird Okay,

10:00

I don't know why we're doing this

10:03

skin tags. You really breathe

10:05

past your skin tag issue. That's my

10:07

favorite part. Good things. I was

10:09

thinking my skin tags off with Toto. Can I

10:11

tell you what to do? What? Have Dr. Pimple

10:14

Popper on your podcast and tell her to bring

10:16

her tools and she'll cut all your skin tags

10:18

off. Oh shit. I've had a couple

10:20

of them. She did it to me. She came

10:22

to my thing, did my podcast, and then I said to her, hey,

10:25

because I cut my

10:27

own skin tags off. Me too. And I

10:29

tried to get my daughters to do it because I can't

10:31

see real properly. I can't see

10:33

them. My daughters wouldn't do it and

10:35

I had Dr. Pimple Popper come. She cut off all

10:37

my skin tags and I haven't had any grow back.

10:41

I haven't had any grow back. But you

10:44

know what's crazy? I had this thing on my leg.

10:46

I thought it was cancer. It was like... Is

10:49

it elephant skin or whatever they call it? Yeah. I've

10:52

had a couple of those. It's almost like rough

10:54

and patchy. Yes. She

10:57

called it legacy, a legacy mark. It's

11:00

when you get older, you get them. And I was like,

11:02

fuck. And she goes, it's not bad. It's just, I mean,

11:04

you can get rid of it. It's just, what are you

11:06

going to do? So one night I got drunk and

11:08

I cut her off with a knife. And it went away. It

11:11

never came back. It came and told. You

11:13

ruined your legacy. Legacy marks? Yeah. If

11:16

that's the case, I'm a Hall of Famer. I got those

11:18

things everywhere. When

11:21

I say weird, I say there's not

11:23

a lot of people that have those kind of

11:25

blue eyes. It's almost like an alien-esque. They're like

11:27

light blue. I mean, that's not a great compliment. Special.

11:31

Thanks. You

11:33

got the kind of eyes that if you walk out of

11:35

a cornfield, someone's going to stop their car. Yeah, hit me with

11:37

a shovel or something. It's

11:40

already morphed into human form. Shoot them.

11:43

I'll get back to the future. Oh,

11:46

get them. Like Billie

11:48

Eilish has those kind of eyes. I think

11:50

Billie Eilish is fucking adorable. Yes, great. I

11:53

think she's fucking adorable. Oh, I love her.

11:56

I like Genuvers. I love her. Who

11:58

asked her at 22? Let's go. Really

12:00

her 19 overall she is yeah, she's

12:03

two Oscars Academy Awards. Yeah, I like

12:05

everything about that kid My

12:07

daughters turned me on to her when they were like

12:09

in middle school. Mm-hmm. She was got in trouble for

12:11

queerbaiting I'd never heard that term before and

12:14

Georgia told me what it was And then we played the

12:16

song and I liked the song and

12:18

then and then Georgia showed me some her Instagram or

12:20

whatever And I was like, oh this kid's fucking awesome

12:22

her and her brother. Yeah, my brothers. I actually

12:25

Phineas, yes, I lean towards

12:28

her brother because I can't I

12:30

can't imagine He

12:33

does a lot of the work with her He kind of

12:35

takes a backseat and it's and

12:37

and that's like real fucking family love when

12:39

you know, it's my little sister Let's blow

12:41

her up. You know, and he seems confident

12:43

with you They get but

12:45

they both making the song so he's getting the

12:47

bread. Yeah Like all like

12:50

she's rich and he's in the back. Just like they're

12:52

both killed He's great

12:54

he's all any any performs with her

12:56

so yeah still on stage yeah live

12:59

show appearance fee Cut

13:02

the jet, you know, they're solid with money, you

13:04

know that they were raised right sure right

13:06

now Phineas is listening. It's going well Actually

13:10

get 6% What

13:12

about size hair great

13:15

Thank Thank

13:18

God for some reason I have amazing

13:20

calves Which being

13:22

the most non athletic person that

13:25

ever was and then I got a

13:27

good hands I'm a very big hand guy. Well

13:29

your hands are your art form Yeah,

13:31

when you took over last night

13:33

your hands very quickly. Yeah, I

13:36

bet you finger so well All

13:40

right, get over here I'll give you a shot Well

13:45

that and your Puerto Rican you guys are so good

13:47

in bed. I'm not I'm only I'm only

13:52

I'm absolutely boring not culturally What

13:56

do you mean like it like are

13:58

you culturally black My

14:00

culture is like, like, yeah, New

14:03

York hip-hop. That's my culture. That's my who

14:05

I am. I'm not one of

14:07

those super Puerto Ricany Puerto Ricans. Wait,

14:10

who's a super Puerto Ricany Puerto Rican? You

14:12

go to the Puerto Rican Bay Parade? But

14:15

only when I was on the radio. Only to

14:17

get bitches. Oh, hold on. I think I know

14:19

what you're saying. You'll go to the Puerto Rican

14:22

parade, but you won't drive with seven people in

14:24

the car with the windows down and the Puerto

14:26

Ricans lying on it. I never went to the

14:28

parade when I was in the parade on a

14:30

hot 97 float or whatever. Can

14:34

I tell you, the

14:36

things I'm drawn to in culture are always

14:38

the stereotype. That's what I would want to

14:41

do. Yeah. Wow. Stereotypes

14:44

are great. I love them. Like, they

14:46

go, like, I used to have a bit when I

14:48

first started about when I, because moving from

14:50

Tallahassee to New York, I

14:53

really was kind of thrown in a melting pot that I

14:55

was unaware of. And like black

14:58

dudes catcalling chicks, I'd never seen anyone

15:01

catcall anyone. First person

15:03

I ever saw a catcall, Patrice O'Neill. I

15:07

mean, I apologize if you've heard me

15:09

tell this story, but it's a good story to

15:11

tell. Patrice, I

15:13

want to say Bob, I'm going to put Bobby and Jim in it

15:16

because they were always, three of them were really close. Patrice,

15:18

I know, I want to say I'm almost certain Bobby was

15:20

there, probably Jim. We're sitting in front

15:22

of the Boston Comic Club. It was the first day

15:24

I got to bark. I got

15:27

that job that day. It was the day after my

15:29

26th birthday and Patrice

15:31

was catcalling and I'd never seen it

15:33

before. And I knew Patrice

15:35

by no, no Patrice and hung

15:38

around the clubs, but I didn't know him. And

15:40

I was laughing at it. I thought it was a joke they were

15:42

doing. And they were like, what? And

15:45

I said, you think that

15:47

works? And Patrice goes, yeah,

15:49

sometimes. And I said,

15:51

no, there's no fucking way that that's how you get

15:53

a woman. And he goes, really? How do you get

15:56

a woman? And this beautiful at the

15:58

time, I'm going to say 33. tall

16:02

work outfit woman is walking

16:04

and I said, I said, hey, looks

16:07

like you've had a rough day. Why don't

16:09

you let me buy you a glass of wine and we'll talk about it in

16:11

front of them. And they started laughing and she went, no,

16:14

walked away and I go, and then, and then I go,

16:19

well, at least, and as I'm talking to Patrice and then

16:22

she turns around, she comes back, she goes, you know

16:24

what? I'm going to take you up on that glass

16:26

of wine. And I went, I

16:29

just got my dream job. I can't

16:31

leave. I want to bark. And she was like,

16:33

what? I was like, I just got a job

16:35

barking. Like I want

16:37

to be a comedian. I

16:40

can't. I was just doing it as a joke.

16:42

And she was like, and then

16:44

she went, okay, and turned around and walked away.

16:47

And she's like, I'll get you drunk. And she

16:49

was like, no. And he goes, smile

16:51

more, bitch. But

16:54

I have a Dominican buddy who

16:56

hits girls with, yo girl, just

16:59

yo girl. He's got the numbers game. I'll

17:01

say it a hundred times and one girl will be like, yo.

17:04

And he's like, go look at dude though. Go

17:06

looking dude. Yeah. I mean,

17:08

yeah. If I hit someone with a yo girl

17:10

in the atrium. I hate the different stories. I

17:13

hate bird looking dudes that try

17:15

to teach you game. I'm like, no,

17:17

your face is the game. Yeah. Yeah.

17:20

Like, no, it's easy to talk to girls. Hey,

17:22

yo girl, like, not for us. Yeah. I

17:25

got none of it. I don't. Yeah.

17:27

I don't have yo girl body. The white boy

17:29

version of cat calling. I just figured it out

17:32

is trying to kiss chicks. Try to

17:34

kiss. Big thing

17:36

in our Florida state was dudes who would just

17:38

try to kiss. Just like, just walk up to

17:40

him and just at a bar, no words and

17:42

just try to kiss them. And

17:45

wild. And I remember seeing that and going and they were

17:47

going to numbers game every now and then they kiss you.

17:50

And then, you know, you're in. Wow. Yeah.

17:53

For us, it was when you get to, you know, we

17:55

were early 20s, whatever you're at the bar, you just go

17:57

start dancing with a girl and she would turn around and

17:59

be like, like no and

18:01

like walk away. Would you do

18:03

that? Would you dance? Yeah. You

18:05

would? Uh-huh. I could trot, you know what I

18:07

mean? It was out there. You could get a little pee

18:10

pee. I can't dance. I got my boater tucked up in

18:12

my waistband. I got an idea man.

18:14

They throw it down, will you? I'm

18:16

a goddamn Catholic. All

18:19

of a sudden you get real sleepy. You goddamn

18:21

whore. I

18:23

just came in my pants. I

18:26

just got these cleaned. We gotta talk about

18:28

last night. Okay, let's talk about

18:30

last night. If I may. I came in my

18:32

pants. Ha ha ha ha. You

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skylightcal.com/birth. So

21:06

we're walking around Knoxville. All right.

21:09

That kid rolls up to you, which is

21:11

crazy because I remember you saying like, you

21:13

know, we took the walk through parameters, like

21:16

you said. Let's see. Let's go feel

21:18

good. So sometimes

21:20

if numbers

21:22

are not sold out, we

21:25

have a phrase, Leanne coined it. It's called,

21:28

you need to take a walk through parameters. So

21:30

you go to the city and you walk

21:32

their popular area and you get recognized and people

21:34

say, what are you doing here? You go, I

21:36

got a show tonight and then you'll get a

21:39

little buzz around it and then people text their

21:41

friends, oh shit, birth, price, and tickets. And

21:43

it always spikes numbers. I mean, I don't know

21:45

what the jump, what last night was, but it

21:47

was pretty fucking monumental. And like Sike was saying

21:49

before, there's, you know, there's such a rise and

21:51

a fall with this, you know, how you feel,

21:53

you feel good, you feel bad, you feel great,

21:55

you feel awesome. You feel terrible. All of in

21:57

like the same couple of hours. Like

22:00

it's that much of a mind game of

22:02

like, oh, that was great, I suck. Then

22:04

something like that brings you up. That's what

22:06

we were talking about. I can't imagine what

22:08

you have to deal with when your numbers

22:10

are not where you want them to be.

22:12

It's not just you. Like you're feeding all

22:15

these people. Like, you know what I'm saying? The

22:18

work lands on your shoulders. Yeah. So,

22:20

well, you know. You got good shoulders. I have

22:22

amazing shoulders. But yeah, the

22:25

work always lands on you. You can't have any ego

22:27

with it. I mean, I talk to,

22:29

I won't say anyone's names, but all my best friends

22:31

will text them. They'll be like, yo, what are your

22:33

numbers like in Orlando? And I'll be

22:36

like, oh, they're good. There's markets we all excel in. And

22:38

then there's markets that, you know, my tour is

22:40

a little different in that like, not a lot of comics

22:43

are doing arenas in Harrisonburg, Virginia

22:45

or Knoxville. A lot of the comics don't

22:48

do Knoxville. Don't

22:50

do, the cities I do

22:52

are kind of off the beaten path hockey

22:54

arenas because I can draw there. But some

22:57

places, especially in the South, the internet

22:59

isn't what it is in New

23:01

York, Chicago, Seattle. Like you post it on, you

23:03

post your company to Chicago, you're gonna sell out

23:06

the United Center. You post your company to New

23:08

York, you're gonna sell out the Beacon. You're gonna

23:10

sell out Madison Square Garden Theater. Or like, are

23:12

you garbage at the Tampa Theater on April 20th?

23:15

Yeah, like are you garbage at Tampa Theater. Tampa

23:17

Theater. Plenty of tickets available. But I love that

23:19

challenge and I still love it. And we took

23:21

a walk through Paramus because I said we have

23:24

open seats. Let's take a walk through Paramus.

23:26

We'll hit the campus. I wanna see the campus. We'll run

23:28

into some kids. And we went

23:30

to a track of field meet. Went out

23:32

to a great fucking lunch. And by the time we got done

23:34

lunch, the whole place is filled with kids. And

23:37

this kid, one kid came up and said, yo,

23:40

what are you doing tonight? I was like,

23:42

and I really honestly was like getting on the bus and

23:44

driving to Harrisonburg. He's like, pie cap

23:46

of five, he's got a party. We got a DJ,

23:48

you should come by. And I

23:50

put it on Instagram. Yeah, we got a DJ too,

23:52

pussy. He walked away and we were immediately like, we,

23:54

we, we, yeah. I was like, I'm in. But very

23:56

hesitant about it. Oh, by the way, very important. I

23:58

only say this because I'm. I like sharing game.

24:01

If you're gonna walk through Paramus, you gotta put it on social

24:03

media. You gotta put

24:05

it on Instagram stories. Hey, we're sitting here, it's a

24:07

Pat Summit statue. I've always wanted to see it. They

24:09

said it was the life size and then we all

24:11

make a joke about it. And

24:13

then those kids on campus see it. They're

24:16

excited, they got nothing to do. It's a Saturday,

24:18

they come out, they find you. Can I get

24:20

a picture with you? My dad's a huge fan.

24:22

Can we FaceTime my dad, of course. The tweet

24:25

got three million views. Should we go to a

24:27

fraternity party tonight in front of the Pat Summit?

24:29

Yeah, three million on Twitter. Wow. Yeah,

24:31

they're not tricks, it's tricks. But

24:34

just like simple marketing. It's like, dude, when

24:36

I spoke at Harvard, they were

24:39

asking me why I do certain

24:41

things and I was like, a lot of

24:43

them's just common sense. And

24:45

it works and I think what businesses

24:47

now are doing are trying

24:50

to figure out how do we

24:52

sell to Knoxville and

24:54

then you find someone selling in Knoxville and they're like,

24:56

what did you do? Yeah. Our

24:59

business is so fucking

25:02

primal, it's so primal

25:05

that we know it intuitively.

25:08

Intuitively, and we have friends we

25:10

can ask. I mean, that's the beauty is like, all my best

25:12

friends are the biggest comics in the world. So I can always

25:14

ask, hey, what did you do? But

25:16

we went through this kid and bi-destro party and

25:19

I put it online. I figured

25:21

that we guess we'll let everyone vote on it. Everyone

25:24

voted. And we were just going back and

25:26

forth. Should we this bad? I don't know.

25:28

We had a great show in the arena.

25:31

We had so much fun, but then also it's like, we

25:34

got to drive six hours to the next city, like

25:36

plus you're a little tired. So

25:39

we're like, all right, should we go? Like a

25:41

college frat party. And

25:43

then, and so I've had that line, he goes, I always say,

25:45

let's do a lap. And I was like, that's good. If

25:48

it's not for us and it's corny or what. We had

25:50

a big meet and greet in the back. Yeah,

25:53

it was a lot of people. I

25:55

love that you guys aren't, we're

25:57

getting to the party in a second, but one of the things

25:59

that's fascinating It's like I am so ingrained in

26:01

that the meet and greet is part of the

26:03

show that there are nights I'll give myself

26:05

to drink where I go. It's a big meet and

26:07

greet. It's gonna be a long evening.

26:09

Chicago was Yeah, you took a

26:12

lot of pictures. Yeah, that was crazy. Chicago

26:14

was a big meet and greet of Columbus

26:16

was not a big meet and greet. No Yeah,

26:20

and then Knoxville was a pretty big meet greet

26:22

a bunch of kids all of buddies I grew

26:24

up with their kids go to school there. Yeah, my

26:26

buddy flew in and So

26:28

we got done. We have one hour till bus

26:30

call And it's like let's just

26:32

do a lap. Well, listen it

26:34

the lap is the key You get

26:36

tired you rally you do one lap

26:38

if it sucks you spend 10 minutes

26:41

of your life But if it's hot

26:44

you you won't regret it, but these kids are

26:46

partying different than I part I don't know if

26:48

it's the south like we rolled up. It looks

26:50

like it looked like a radio event Daily

26:53

surety barriers stage

26:55

I thought we're gonna be walking

26:57

into a house It was outside

26:59

in their backyard and it was

27:02

they had cops there. They were checking

27:04

IDs They were selling out there was porta

27:06

pot. They had a role in porta pot. It's like you

27:08

were a goddamn dancer It was and we

27:11

see it and I wasn't gonna put it on social

27:13

media because people on the camera I go film it.

27:15

This is just for us if the kids want to film it

27:17

They can film it but I don't want to film it and

27:20

my energy changed. No, it's a moment We've got

27:22

to hit I mean, yeah we thought we were

27:24

I thought we were gonna end up in a

27:26

living room in like in like a shitty basement

27:28

with like a smelly couch and a red solo

27:30

cup and In

27:33

the distance in the night you saw the

27:35

lights in the laser. I'm in the smoke.

27:37

I went that rides it up That's a

27:39

different day pyrotechnics a pyrotechnics. I saw one

27:41

kid who was just like in the crowd

27:43

with like a bag of gun Standing

27:48

right next to it. I went nah nah nah nah.

27:50

I'm gonna stand in the back He

27:55

was I don't I mean, I don't think he only

27:57

had his Union guard So

28:00

for the listener out there and watching this

28:02

was was incredible standing back and watching for

28:04

the listener out there we pull up Burt

28:08

rolls in and Immediately he

28:10

is mob instant in like

28:12

the sweetest most adorable way

28:14

Oh my god, dude, that

28:17

place went nuts We

28:19

would go our way through get

28:21

you up on stage the DJ who's killing

28:23

it. Yeah, I'm everybody thought I was security

28:30

my vape Let

28:36

me ask Go

28:39

up on stage Place

28:41

goes nuts. You go up there. They

28:43

give you the mic and Burt makes this

28:47

Winston Churchill level it

28:50

was like that scene from Independence Day. I

28:53

Was about to fly into the mother It was nuts it was so

28:55

sweet you got up there and you said I've

29:18

made every mistake. That was the second speech I

29:20

got a little long in the tongue.

29:23

This guy really hands it out. Oh,

29:25

man What was what you

29:27

that was when you were doing this with your

29:29

shirt off as the sparklers were going off and

29:33

But yeah, and the place goes nuts

29:35

the place goes nuts the music's going

29:37

Everyone's running around it's the last line.

29:39

I got well that there's a moment

29:41

So I've said this to me because

29:43

you're so good at fucking fuck

29:46

saying it on the beat Yeah, and

29:48

the last line was no one's gonna

29:50

die tonight mic goes up And

29:54

they went nuts they went

29:56

nuts music's going we're fucking big people in that

29:58

block scooping around and The. Good.

30:01

I'm on my book and back my college

30:03

parties. That was to do. They have their

30:05

own social media guys going around. They had

30:07

a drone. So many fans of it as

30:09

say had a fucking better for.sleeps with me

30:12

and I own a production company or. Bad.

30:14

A drone. That. A fucking

30:17

drone dead zone area devoid

30:19

of hours. Hammer guys that

30:21

audio going. Mmr Vaccine. Messed

30:24

with That's insane. A wasn't just like a

30:26

guy on a folding table it was like

30:29

yeah I was expensive and then what happens

30:31

has been then we'll and my shirt was

30:33

an offset the rivalry Look the only you

30:35

better take your fucking shirt off by look

30:37

at sizes are yourself a new song take

30:40

much to knowledge of what does after none

30:42

urges as before because you and you go

30:44

you must not assigning as get me the

30:46

might get me the mike. As as

30:49

as much as I said I let me

30:51

do something. But. The G: I feel as

30:53

secure as it. hey, I'm with Berlin. They get the

30:55

mites and he ziggy be ignored me. That's.

30:57

Of these a says i'm sure citizen of

30:59

why am I don't have the Hailed V

31:02

misdeeds from New York cause of death due

31:04

to a year a better man than me

31:06

as I was about the be like next

31:08

few rounds in a fortaleza adamant were birds

31:11

and I don't know get news of my

31:13

for I don't want to disrespect his kid

31:15

sizes. Things that have ten right now this

31:17

at this party is added so it is

31:20

if go with all this girl was up

31:22

against the barriers. get excited There's grub there's

31:24

there's a couple girls who kept going. I

31:26

love yes. And I was like, unless you

31:29

know, back to a certain cotton I'd have

31:31

to. Spend

31:33

Money does every time we walk the streets.

31:35

As someone says i love you birds ago

31:37

I love you more The do so love

31:40

both. A juvenile thousand I realized that what

31:42

of their owners loud? I've always been good

31:44

enough about Role In know that and by

31:46

the way be find a video You know

31:48

who were talking about the road young girl

31:50

but I'm I'm I'm more reserved that I

31:52

am. The desert areas of you do says

31:55

it is get me the might And finally

31:57

I. Go bird, Just tell this guy giving me

31:59

for burger with. This person or that, he reluctantly

32:01

gives it to me and I

32:03

just fucking... Chris is not the type

32:06

of frat party, frat crazy juice to.

32:08

This is very lame fucking fact. I'm

32:11

like, tell me this shit all you're waiting

32:13

for for me to fuck. And it was

32:15

just perfect. It was... But

32:17

see, the last five years, I've

32:19

just been focused on comedy. I

32:22

still DJ no matter what,

32:24

but I want to be like, you know, a

32:26

comic. Of course. I got in that

32:28

zone last night, I was like, oh, I could do this

32:30

shit now. We said this to you last night, it was

32:33

like finding out your best friend's Spider-Man. The

32:36

place was at a fucking pen. That

32:39

kid was good, but he wasn't working the mic

32:41

and then like, I didn't even think about it

32:43

and then... Yeah, and then it was... And then

32:45

the best of your line next, Cypress

32:47

should have gotten a gauntlet. I

32:53

didn't tell my wife that she was sleeping by the time

32:55

we arrived at the frat party for me to tell her I was

32:57

going to a frat party. And I just, I

32:59

wake up to a still screenshot of

33:01

me dancing from your stories.

33:04

Dude, I mean, it was

33:06

an all time anxiety riddle.

33:09

I woke up, the only thing was me like... And

33:12

I was like, dude, I have to stop drinking. Oh, God.

33:15

The best thing is when we got back to

33:17

the bus, I was so excited. Leanne FaceTimed me

33:20

and she had already watched all my stories. She

33:22

goes, it looks like you guys had a good

33:24

time. We were in cheesy charge. I was

33:27

like, it couldn't have gone

33:29

better. It was like something

33:31

that the bus pulls up, we get on

33:33

the bus and we're fucking off. We were there

33:35

for one hour. I also, there's part of me

33:37

that wishes this is all in our heads of

33:39

how cool it was and everybody's there last night.

33:41

I was like, what were those old dudes doing?

33:43

You know what I mean? Just like, we were

33:45

painting this story in our heads of the greatest

33:47

night of our lives. And it's just

33:49

like everything. What the fuck? That dog. Most of

33:51

those dudes just showed up. Most of those dudes are

33:54

bald. You know what I mean? Like,

33:56

that one kept burping up the body. We

34:00

were talking today, man. He's like oh, man. I

34:02

can I don't know I don't know

34:04

how I'm gonna go back to back to real

34:06

life After that we're not in space dude like

34:09

we're in Virginia right now. I think it was

34:11

I can really get used to this I'm like

34:13

oh, can you every every room you walk in

34:15

there's gobble? There's

34:18

a meat and cheese plate literally every

34:20

turn dude like you could get used

34:22

to that We're

34:25

eating and drinking like fucking Savage

34:27

we don't have to think but

34:29

I haven't thought everything is just

34:32

I was like fully is trying to score

34:34

drugs. He's going up to girls. You have a Pepsi complete My

34:38

a-1 my a1p flow I'm

34:44

gonna lose lip a door on him. I Haven't

34:47

been I haven't been around college kids like that

34:49

I mean since I was in college man, and

34:51

it was really I know this Probably

34:53

sound like an idiot and a pussy were saying

34:55

this, but it was really endearing man. They all

34:58

seem like sweet Would

35:00

you say we don't these kids don't deserve to

35:02

get to set the war whatever what he was

35:04

getting real deep with me To

35:08

see these kids have to be sent off the war

35:10

a job was fine I was drunk, but I just

35:13

meant like yeah, you know that they live out their

35:15

lives I mean they seem fucking awesome. It was I

35:17

told the one kid he's rat me out He

35:19

was like let me get you a beer and I was like yep. It

35:21

needs to be closed He was like yes, sir, and I

35:23

was like oh, that's right. I'm your dad's age.

35:26

Yeah, but yeah, and then they were all they

35:28

were They were so polite and manners and yeah,

35:30

yeah Wild it was

35:32

it was absolutely perfect Then I we

35:34

were on stage and then I was like you

35:37

had a shirt and a jacket Which

35:39

is uncrycial like yeah, and

35:42

then we were all looking at it like all

35:44

right, bro. We're here Sure,

35:46

it's got it's ready to go like you did give him a

35:48

little taste at the end That

35:50

one shot that Peter has of you,

35:52

but with the with the things going

35:55

off and you making that thing it's

35:57

it's wild There's I was thinking like

36:00

What's the thing? Like every comic has

36:02

a little bit of it. We're talking

36:04

about superpowers Comics have. And it's

36:06

like, not super power, but like, when I

36:08

take my shirt off, that's my thing, right? Yeah. Like

36:11

when Mark Norman takes, I was like, would Mark Norman

36:13

go up there and take his sunglasses and go, heck,

36:15

heck, heck, heck. We're seeing Gillis just goes up and

36:17

gets the mic and he goes, you

36:19

guys are all gay! They probably would have

36:22

liked that. They go,

36:24

yeah! I love what Norman

36:26

does, that's what he does. I love what he does.

36:29

Yeah, alright. Shout out to him.

36:31

But like, it was really, and then,

36:33

and then, so I

36:35

played the perfect song for me to take my shirt

36:37

off. I go up, I rip my

36:39

shirt off, kill a beer, we

36:42

danced, the stage got slammed. Yeah. Yeah,

36:45

then it got flooded and that's when I was,

36:47

I was also like, I'm hopping off. I see

36:49

this. This is, this is how this ends. That's

36:51

the coolest thing till it's not the coolest thing.

36:53

That stage is not built for it. And someone's

36:55

dead and I got to donate to their GoFundMe.

36:57

I'm running through the crowd on fire. And so

36:59

I was like, I want to get in the

37:01

middle. Like,

37:04

I want to get with all the kids and dance in the

37:06

middle. And I went

37:08

into the middle and it was like, oh,

37:11

the fucking energy was crazy. And

37:13

I was, but I'm also like realizing I'm not young enough to

37:15

be jumping up and down with them. Sure. So

37:18

I was like, I'm gonna fucking hit my nose, break my nose.

37:20

Hurt your knee. Hurt my knee, blow out a knee. My MCL.

37:23

Oh man. What if

37:25

you would have blown out of

37:28

there? You're on the orange board with the next

37:30

thing like that. I maybe took a thousand

37:32

pictures last night. No, all they did was have their phones up

37:34

dancing next to me. And

37:37

I was, and I had, this is like, I mean,

37:39

I sound like it's square, but like I have my hands

37:41

behind my back. I don't want to be touched with anyone.

37:43

Only because I didn't want a video of me. Like I

37:46

put my arms around the dudes, but like anytime girls came

37:48

up, I was like, yeah, it's right here. Like I was

37:50

just, I don't know. That's part of my head. It's

37:52

a little too much like high fives and

37:54

fist bumps. That's yeah. Yeah. That's

37:57

what it was. It was in such a way. It

37:59

was so wholesome. And so it was just very fun.

38:01

It was just like everybody was like they were shocked

38:04

that you were there It was just

38:06

like it was a cool moment and I feel like we did it

38:08

We're there for what maybe 45 minutes an hour,

38:10

right? And it was like in and out and like

38:13

We're like you stay and it was just one of

38:15

those things of like we robbed the bank We got

38:18

to get out while the gettings good. Oh, no return

38:20

to the scene of the crime No, but then it

38:22

can only go down from here mind you we were

38:24

dropped off in like some regular like 15 passenger van

38:26

or whatever But we got picked up in

38:29

the tour bus. That's what I'm saying That was so

38:31

we made a great we went in there like did

38:34

like Bert says we we got their energy the youthful

38:36

energy Stole it and we

38:38

stole energy and then out. Yeah, we're not

38:40

we can't stay there until the party dies

38:42

down to what you have What's

38:45

your major? I'm

38:48

drinking floaters But

38:51

to watch you two in your element, I mean

38:53

that was dude it was it was really cool.

38:55

It was wild It was so fun. I know

38:57

look the trick is like it's weird with DJ

38:59

DJ is so Territorial

39:01

like you got a very cautious of that like you

39:03

were I hate because I hate when it happens to

39:06

me So I was like,

39:08

hey, what's your name? Make sure I shout him

39:10

out. I say he's the star. I'm just a

39:12

guest for zuzu zuzu

39:17

Like where you from he goes Hawaii, I was

39:20

like give me the mic I'm from New York. Give me

39:22

this fucking The

39:25

second you said my name's type of sounds. I'm from

39:27

a DJ from New York the place for like it

39:30

just got real Then

39:36

he goes the DJ goes I'm a house DJ I don't

39:38

have that much hip-hop I go bro Play

39:41

your music. Yeah, I'm just gonna talk a little

39:43

shit really birch the one like getting them crazy

39:45

And then when Bert went in, I don't know

39:47

how you go in the middle like that. I

39:49

get nerd I get anxious bro. I love it.

39:51

I gotta watch you like a security guard like

39:55

Again, I don't know. I guess it's different. My world

39:57

is like your pockets are getting ran. Somebody's

40:00

Well, I do at the University of Tennessee.

40:02

We're not as fucking the underground As

40:10

we walked inside raised his hand like they're gonna pat him

40:12

down like you're good Everybody's

40:14

everybody put your watches on your balls I

40:16

said that we went in I said you guys were checking

40:19

IDs and the lady goes I think you're fine Oh, no.

40:21

No, I meant for them. I want to

40:23

be around underage drinking. Yeah, we're checking IDs.

40:25

That's awesome Run

40:28

your pockets with a sock full

40:30

of pennies I

40:33

would say get nervous. I would say

40:36

the best part I can beat up the 18 year

40:38

old girl. I'll be alright. Yeah, man Five

40:40

five 20 year old guys, they'll get some

40:42

shot. I get my ass. Oh, yeah those

40:44

kids would have tuned us It

40:47

was so funny. There was one of our fans. Well,

40:49

there's a holy shit kippy He's like your fans want

40:51

to drink beers with you our fans go. I spoke

40:53

a thing with you, dude I'm like, yeah, man. Let's

40:55

just hang out on the side Catch

40:58

a mean heater He

41:00

goes same brand same brand They

41:03

kid offered me a cigarette and I was like, I

41:05

don't smoke he went all find my vape. I Find

41:08

a lot of babes and a lot of zen. Yeah Kids

41:11

are on that clean nicotine. Yeah, you know,

41:14

they're not smoking old-school see sharp kids

41:16

man. They're all sharp kids Yeah,

41:18

the best part of the of the night

41:21

though in my opinion was

41:23

when we made it out clean We were on

41:25

the bus and we were humming. We're a land.

41:27

Yeah, we were It

41:30

was so and I was saying this is what got us

41:32

into this conversation, but I was like I Wonder

41:36

if like dudes who continuously date young

41:38

girls like Leonardo DiCaprio sure if it's

41:41

that because we stole their energy We

41:43

stole there you we were a bunch

41:45

of tired old men. We walked around

41:47

the entire campus We had a

41:50

nice hot before we went to that And

41:53

then all of a sudden we're in that van or in

41:55

that bus and we are bubbling with

41:57

enthusiasm because we were on kids And

42:00

that kid energy, like those speeches

42:02

I gave were kid that, it's

42:04

like, I really think, you know, I used to watch

42:07

like, Rogan would give

42:09

these great speeches about health

42:11

and about like, I

42:13

can name a couple of them. I'm

42:15

tired of the what about me guy, like

42:17

what I'm tired about the, I can't catch

42:19

a break guy. And

42:22

he's like, fuck that. Or the one you go, be

42:24

the lead character in your own movie. Like Rogan would

42:26

get these great speeches right here, then they mean something

42:28

to me. And it turns out I

42:30

didn't do it on purpose, but that one, when

42:33

I did the Sunday conversation with

42:35

Caleb and, and, um, Glennie

42:38

balls, I was

42:41

hungover. I was not, I'm not good at

42:43

that style of interview. And I gave that

42:45

drinking speech and everyone, when I walked in,

42:47

all those kids were like, we listened to

42:49

that drinking speech before we started drinking tonight.

42:52

And then I am good at identifying

42:55

what inspires me to party. And so when

42:57

I was giving those speeches, I was like,

42:59

these are the things you would want to hear. I

43:02

would want to hear, I love

43:04

the idea that this is going to be the

43:06

best summer ever. Like, cause that's at that age,

43:08

you're like, this fucking summer is gonna, you know,

43:10

like that, that is, summers matter to them and

43:13

it's coming up. And like, and the idea that

43:15

when you, when you shouted out this summer, I

43:17

was like, what month is it? I didn't even

43:19

know. I'm like, man, this guy's doing high level

43:21

math. You know, you know what happened when I

43:24

was walking in the arena last night. I have

43:26

both nights I've seen sunsets as I'm a big

43:28

sunset guy. I'm a big sunset guy. I

43:31

love sunsets. And I said, God damn it. I'm

43:33

catching every sunset, sunsets going around at the same

43:35

time, eight o'clock every night. And I

43:37

said to the guy last night, I said, is

43:39

it summer already? He goes, yeah, summer already started.

43:41

We got the daylight savings. Because when you do

43:44

the drive in movie theater or the fully loaded

43:46

tour, sunsets really late, like sometimes nine o'clock at

43:48

night. And I was like, shit, it's

43:50

already summer. These kids are going into their summer

43:52

break soon. And I thought of that. And then

43:54

when I got up there, I was like, this is going to be the best

43:56

summer ever. And they went, no. I could do

43:59

that. I

44:01

couldn't come up with a speech like that if

44:03

you gave me four days. What was your speech

44:06

been to those kids? Just go real quick. Yeah,

44:08

who's got a lighter? I'm

44:12

so not I don't know. It's so it's

44:15

like the antithesis of my

44:17

personality. Oh Mine

44:19

would have been real cheesy. Wow like the war

44:21

thing. Yeah, they should do your homework and be

44:24

good You guys are gonna be alright. I go

44:26

kids I did say in one of my

44:28

speeches because I was I always I like

44:31

my behavior there is Loose

44:33

and fun, but I always think of

44:36

Georgia at college Sure, and so and and what

44:38

I'd want her to hear so at one point

44:40

I did drop no pills. No powder Yeah,

44:43

that was good. Yeah, I was like no pills no powder Fucking

44:47

call your parents tell them you love them. I'd

44:49

like fucking stupid. I know I was good

44:51

I do I'm pretty good at like hyping

44:53

the crowd up, but you give like this

44:55

Motivational part of it like

44:57

that's fucking nuts, man Forever

45:06

I Thought

45:08

it was I would before we went sprayed your ankle

45:10

and fell off the stage Before

45:12

we went I was making jokes and it kind of did end like

45:14

that because we didn't know we were walking into it But it was

45:17

gonna be like that episode of entourage Where Vinnie

45:19

takes the there ends up on the

45:21

roof when he's when Aquaman blows

45:23

up or whatever? I'm like cuz I'm

45:25

like I was talking to you were on stage So I was like dude

45:27

if we go to this cut though, he's gonna end up on a roof

45:31

Screaming a kid Here's

45:39

the question could we recreate it

45:41

tonight? No And

45:44

we shouldn't and listen I that's that's the

45:46

thing I've learned is I've gotten older I

45:48

am the guy who chases I am a

45:50

fucking chaser. That's why I drink too much.

45:52

That's why I still smokes it It's like

45:55

I'm I'm chasing those good drunks

45:57

and those good beers and those good nights

46:00

They're just not there. No, you should but you

46:02

you don't think we could recreate To

46:05

get rid of that. No pills. No powder roll And

46:08

let the big man lose Door

46:12

I think we could go to a

46:14

party. I think we go to a

46:16

party almost any night now and have

46:18

fun But it's last night

46:20

and early tonight if you go to night You're

46:24

comparing it to later right? You're right nothing to

46:27

compare to yeah, right That's why it was so

46:29

we went this is gonna suck but let's go

46:31

now. We're going oh The

46:33

stage isn't as big there is no stage the BJ

46:36

is just the guy with an all scored like yeah

46:41

Right, so how much time in between before

46:43

we can even never go into another party

46:48

It was it was too perfect it

46:50

was too pretty every element fell into

46:52

place Where we didn't even know

46:54

we were looking for elements And

46:57

we got there. It's just went blink blink blink blink

46:59

blink and think about you fucking taking over his DJ.

47:01

I Even getting

47:03

on state dude. It was not angle Also,

47:07

you I don't know we didn't mention it the big

47:09

man getting on stage was and I mean cuz it

47:11

was oh there was no way I wasn't it was

47:13

a it was a tough step up. I literally did

47:15

like a hey buddy This is too cool

47:17

for me to sit down on the sidelines or the

47:19

I'm going up on stage Yeah, it's every man. I

47:21

was I was gonna I was gonna do a Army

47:24

roll and together. I didn't give a shit.

47:26

I was getting up there, but I'm yelling at

47:28

you. I'm yelling at you Hank Railing

47:36

it was I feel like I was doing the milk

47:38

crate challenge But

47:43

I wasn't gonna let that happen baby, I was getting up

47:45

there You

47:48

got up there by the way the

47:50

fucking milk crate challenges Why

47:54

did we rally behind that as a

47:56

nation we were like this we were

47:58

just sitting around in the Pandemic watching

48:01

people break their spines. It's

48:03

crazy My mom would

48:05

send them to me And

48:18

we were okay with it talk about

48:20

a different time How

48:23

cool would it have been if Matt Ripe showed up

48:25

I kept thinking that in bed I

48:30

was like like Rogan if Rogan had been

48:32

there like there's like so many people that

48:34

could do what I did That

48:36

would make a place lose their

48:38

fucking life. No, but Rogan can't cause

48:40

it's fucking it's a security issue

48:43

Everybody has a security issue. I

48:46

get it. We're older Especially

48:48

some guys are even older than me

48:50

like but there's something about once in

48:52

a while You've got to step into

48:54

the fucking youth. You got to step

48:56

into the streets. Everything can't be hotel

49:00

Van green room plane,

49:02

you know I mean like you got to go into

49:04

the mix once away even even us we just walk

49:06

into the crowd when you're on stage It's

49:08

a different feeling. You gotta touch the people or

49:11

you lose fucking you lose You

49:14

lose that connection. This is this would

49:16

be safe speech. Yeah, my speech Make

49:20

sure you check IDs first But

49:23

you got I love touching the people man

49:25

And I go and I go around especially in

49:28

New York and I gotta I go to the hood sometimes

49:30

And I do a lap and I go once I went

49:32

to this club in Brooklyn young kids at

49:34

21 22 They saw

49:37

me to get so excited. I'm a legend

49:39

in New York size. You know, oh gee, what

49:41

do you need? What do you need? I'm I'm

49:43

good. I'm just chillin listen in the music and

49:45

they he goes he goes yo Anybody fuck with

49:47

you. We got the blickies on us. I said,

49:49

oh great good to know Here

49:54

I'll be right back but they

49:56

want to show me they were showing me so much

49:58

love they were saying they Not we've gone

50:00

to the club and they will protect me

50:02

and I go I'm leaving Yeah,

50:06

also Blickie. What a cute name for Yeah,

50:08

I got my Blickie 100%

50:10

agree the clubs, you know, we we

50:13

do we do our meet and greet everybody waits

50:15

for everybody stay the meet and greets are as

50:17

Long as the show and it's like we they're

50:19

literally our favorite thing. Yeah With

50:23

the you know what with the fans the

50:25

homies and abosos as we call them is

50:27

unbelievable Fucking big hugs pictures.

50:29

Yeah, it's fucking great. I used to do

50:32

that. I used to do that problematically

50:36

When I first did my first theater tour, I would just

50:38

tell everyone what bar I was going to Yeah, and then

50:40

we'd all go meet at a bar and it

50:42

would be it lost its luster When

50:46

it when I realized it was just taking pictures. I was

50:48

just taking pictures. Yeah, I didn't get to party You wanted

50:50

to do the bar vibe Yeah and then and then I

50:52

got and then I got wise to it and I started

50:54

getting behind the bar and Making drinks

50:56

and having drinks and that was fun. We had one

50:58

Pete. What was the name of the place that we

51:00

went? It was fucking insane Pete's

51:03

garage bar. Where's that at? Yeah,

51:08

and it was like they thrive on negative

51:10

Yelp reviews and so that's the energy of

51:12

the bar and it was Fucking

51:15

I mean I gotta be honest with you.

51:17

I've done stuff like that at bars never

51:20

at a college I Immediately

51:22

was like I gotta do

51:24

Ronnie Dangerfield's back to school. I was like, I'm

51:27

just gonna I'm gonna edit that together Send it

51:29

to Robbie over at Netflix be like hey,

51:31

can I go to college next fall? Yeah, I

51:34

mean we talked about that yesterday, but like it

51:36

was so fun But just do it with a

51:38

daughter because you have a daughter said like son

51:40

no good sign I'll go. Yeah, I would fucking

51:42

drop out of school immediately. Yeah, you can't do

51:44

that to my daughters If they when they see

51:46

this video, they're both going to

51:49

text me independently and don't ever do

51:51

that again They're not

51:53

they that is not you know, it's funny George

51:55

I went to George's parents weekend or whatever and

51:58

she I wasn't drinking at the time And

52:00

she was like, hey, are you drinking?

52:02

And I was like, no. She goes, can you?

52:05

And I was like, what? She was like,

52:07

my friends want to party with you. Yeah,

52:09

you got to use now. It's like, hey,

52:11

do your thing. Yeah, she never, she's a

52:13

child never asked me to drink. And I

52:15

said, I said,

52:17

yeah, of course, I'll break sobriety

52:20

for my daughter in a heartbeat. Yeah, like

52:22

you need the only reason I am sober.

52:25

What the fuck? You tell me to get over. Now you

52:27

want me to drink with your mouth. I wish you watch

52:30

me with this. This is some parlor trick. This is a

52:32

goddamn disease I have. I can't be

52:34

turning it on and off just for you.

52:36

You're pulling emergency blood. Emergency

52:38

blood. My dad almost died during the summer, buddy.

52:40

He'll crack a brew scoop. I

52:43

just love like, you don't even let her finish

52:46

the set. You're just like shotgunning a beer. You

52:48

might have like one of the... One

52:50

of the dads, one of the dads, it's

52:53

like, it's so funny. Because one of

52:55

the dads, we were at this tailgate

52:57

with all these parents and the kids.

53:00

And all the girls were pumping up this dad

53:02

and he bites into a beer

53:05

can and crushes it. Like bites

53:08

it and then shotguns bite. And

53:11

then he gets done and

53:15

he goes, I

53:17

have superior incisors. And

53:19

George looked at me like, you could kill him,

53:22

dad. You could dad show him what

53:24

you can do. My dad, the incisors, I bigger than your dad.

53:26

Put the fucking cape on, dad. Show them what you can do.

53:28

Yeah. I was like, guys, you like

53:30

your incisors? The shirt's on! That's

53:33

cute. You got cool teeth. Watch there.

53:35

Superior incisors. But

53:38

there's also, that's like a big thing that goes unspoken

53:40

about in parents' weekends. Or

53:45

like, you know, you'd be at

53:47

a college party and so and so's parents. It was

53:49

mainly parents' weekends. Where like, the

53:52

moms would go somewhere and then the

53:54

dads would stay at the party or

53:56

the house or the bar too

53:58

long and may have. They'd be

54:01

peeing themselves. They'd be fucking you

54:03

know, they're on the dance floor with a

54:05

huge boner or whatever It's just like every

54:08

so many dads we were like God

54:10

damn because it's like they want to go back and live

54:12

big That young energy. They're

54:14

like, I think We

54:17

already live that life. Oh, yeah, we live a

54:19

life very already We're not going

54:21

we're not getting on the Congo for the first time it's

54:23

seen how deep we go. We live on the Congo Yeah,

54:26

so we're like yeah. Yeah, we can get in and out

54:28

of the water before the crocodiles Sure, let's pop in here

54:30

for an hour that we're not gonna get I'm not gonna

54:32

get too deep Yeah, we're lucky for sure because there would

54:34

be dads that we show up when we were in college

54:37

and you'd be like Oh, how fucking wasted

54:39

is his dad? There's nothing worse

54:41

than seeing it can't hold his alcohol and they're

54:43

like, well, he doesn't really drink except on the

54:45

weekends And you're like flying got changed. Yeah, well

54:47

they get excited. They want to keep up they

54:49

and it's just like buddy Especially when you're drinking

54:52

with college kids, it's like those

54:54

kids are humming. Those are their prime drinking years

54:56

Thank you. You know what I mean? It's like

54:58

I get that from every kid. I'm gonna go

55:00

shop shot with you long guys like

55:04

This kid goes buddy come to my car

55:06

and smoke a bong hit with me and

55:08

I was like absolutely not It's insane. We're

55:10

just gonna go sit your fucking this entra

55:12

and fucking rip bong what last night last

55:14

night. Yeah Usually

55:17

in a wedding or something like that Weddings

55:20

are weddings a lot of people show their ass

55:22

to when the dads are drinking and

55:24

then all of a sudden You know 11

55:26

o'clock whatever a joint comes

55:28

out. They take a hit off that

55:30

joint thinking it's fucking You

55:32

know fucking the fucking lights closing

55:34

San Francisco Street. We said the fucking

55:37

60s now fucking

55:39

a high grade hydroponic Man

55:42

scientists put this together IMC

55:46

people's dads fuck it Shut

55:49

it down all the fuck out skip

55:51

brunch skip the brunch the next morning

55:54

Straight out the door this show

55:56

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DraftKings. The crown is

56:31

yours. I

56:56

was pocketing my vape pen. I was hitting my vape pen last night but I wanted

57:11

the kids to see me smoking weed. So I was like going

57:13

off side hitting it and blowing it out. Someone's like let me

57:15

take a hit of that and I was like absolutely not. Guys

57:18

this puts my brain to sleep. I don't

57:20

know my brain. Oh

57:25

man. Thanks for bringing me man. That shit

57:27

was so fun. This

57:31

whole experience has been, you know, I've been gushing about

57:33

it to you but it's, you know, I want to

57:35

get it all next. It's been fucking

57:38

amazing. Like such a cool just from

57:40

a standpoint of learning how to do comedy in

57:43

front of that many people and you know it's

57:45

been fucking awesome. Yeah the layers to it. Being

57:47

on stage, learning that. Seeing what you do on

57:49

stage. The production end of it. Yeah.

57:51

And then behind it. I think Peter and I

57:54

were, I was telling you, do

57:56

an hour and a half and you do an

57:58

hour. I mean Chicago was nuts. Chicago. I

58:00

was like, this is great. You were

58:02

moving until after midnight and

58:04

being on hour

58:07

and a half. Which the meet and

58:09

greet sometimes in that sense is probably

58:11

is significantly takes more energy than the

58:13

show. Cause you're meeting, hey, how

58:15

you doing? Oh, so and so, you know. It

58:17

was like a three tiered meet and greet. We

58:20

met with the Black Hawks. And you

58:22

had to be on for them. They

58:24

were just sitting there, looking at you. You're killing with

58:26

this and killing with that. But it's

58:28

funny, I've hung out with enough hockey players that

58:30

I kind of know the things they're interested in.

58:33

Like they're all like pro hockey players. You're like, what

58:35

kind of things you guys doing? I've just been to

58:37

Siberia's and they're like, oh, then

58:39

the guy's like, I got 20 milligrams. I go, Paul,

58:41

you got to break me off a couple of those.

58:43

And then I put one in on accident and almost

58:45

shit my pants. Almost.

58:49

And then, and then, yeah, the Chicago

58:51

Black Hawks from fucking just, those hockey

58:53

kids are always young. They just got

58:55

money. Always with

58:57

their fucking high school sweetheart. Yeah, they were with their high

59:00

school sweetheart. They were like, oh, were you with them in

59:02

the minors? And they were like before the high school. But

59:05

one girl, the blonde chick, her ring was

59:08

so huge. I was like, yo,

59:10

did he take a piece off the ice? She

59:13

started crashing. She's like, I never heard that one. That's

59:15

a good one. I'm like, her ring

59:18

was fucking huge. Yeah, those

59:20

hockey kids are great. And then we went to

59:22

the mean greet. We ran

59:24

into Professor Pizza. Yeah. I

59:26

love his hustle. He's killing him,

59:29

right? I love that he

59:31

comes out to all the comedy shows, makes

59:33

pizza for all the comedies. Makes amazing fucking

59:35

pizza. Yeah, it's killer. And

59:37

I love introducing people to people. It's one of my favorite

59:39

things to do is to bring

59:41

people together and go, do you know this guy? He lives

59:43

in your city. You should meet this guy. You should go

59:45

hang out. He's opening a brick and mortar. Professor Pizza's opening

59:48

a brick and mortar next week. And I was like, you

59:50

got, he told him where. And they're like, wait, you're down

59:52

on whatever, Wells Street or whatever. And he was like, yeah.

59:55

And then we ran into that guy, Danny. I

59:57

mean, the whole week started with me doing a

59:59

radio interview. Where with a guy

1:00:01

that I played baseball against with as a child Yeah, and

1:00:03

I didn't know what had happened to him and it turns

1:00:05

out he's a Reds Hall of Famer Mm-hmm, and so he

1:00:07

comes to the show and he you also

1:00:10

I mean I that clip I don't think I talked

1:00:12

to Peter about it. I mean all time like classic

1:00:15

Bozo Burt move like I just

1:00:17

you're really good man. You should have kept

1:00:19

playing Yeah, what is it? So whatever happened

1:00:21

to you? Did you go on like? Kind

1:00:25

of rude Genuine it's

1:00:27

just genuine curiosity like holy shit, dude. What

1:00:30

would have you been up to but he

1:00:32

comes on he's like, yeah He's

1:00:35

probably worth like 80 million dollar. Yeah, he's

1:00:37

fucking yeah Reds Hall of Fame He

1:00:41

was like a four-time all-star and shit.

1:00:43

Yeah, he was first Vietnamese all-star

1:00:45

in the major leagues like first.

1:00:47

Yeah, but he's That

1:00:50

was how this trip started so I knew it was gonna

1:00:52

be fun Yeah, I think he was more blown up. He

1:00:54

definitely doesn't remember me I remember him to

1:00:56

use that he was but yeah, he was a good the big

1:00:58

name Thank you is more blown away by like the fuck happened

1:01:01

to you. I was like, oh, yeah I do

1:01:03

stand up I was like I told him about when I for my

1:01:05

first time I was gonna play baseball Florida

1:01:07

State and the coaches like you Can lose that pledge

1:01:09

pen? We don't party on this team

1:01:11

and I was like, I'm gonna lean into partying

1:01:14

and I walked off left field Walked

1:01:16

to room 111 in Sally

1:01:18

Hall chili Willie Paul Pizzo Chandler Perry.

1:01:21

Everyone was smoking weed We

1:01:23

see this thing called time traveling we had we

1:01:27

had a Tin foil on

1:01:29

the ceiling above the lights and we had poked holes

1:01:31

in it So it looked like stars and we lay

1:01:33

on the ground smoked weed and it looked like a

1:01:36

fucking consolation And I

1:01:38

walked in in a baseball uniform There

1:01:40

were time traveling and I laid down and I

1:01:42

smoked weed and we're listening to Pink Floyd and

1:01:44

I thought I'm never playing

1:01:46

sports again. It was really weird moment I

1:01:48

was like, I guess I'll lean into this

1:01:50

partying thing and I was like, I

1:01:53

wonder how that's gonna pan out. Thank God

1:01:55

Thank those little those

1:01:58

little things. That's what I want to teach a

1:02:00

class at college, maybe I'll go teach and

1:02:02

just teach them about luck and

1:02:05

like how you got to recognize the

1:02:07

energy of the universe. You know, like one of the things I

1:02:09

do, I don't do it all the time. I know you guys

1:02:11

can do a million clips of me not doing this, but

1:02:13

sometimes if I have a wild thought at a party, usually

1:02:15

not a podcast, but at a party, if I start to

1:02:18

say it and someone interrupts me, I go, that thought wasn't

1:02:20

meant for this room. I

1:02:22

go, don't say it. Don't say it. I do that. I

1:02:25

used to do that with tweets. If it would not go through and

1:02:27

end up in my drafts, I went, the world's not ready for it.

1:02:30

Just telling me no. January 6th, I should have been

1:02:32

there. January 6th, I'm on my

1:02:34

way. I

1:02:36

just keep trying to cram it in. Like

1:02:39

I was trying to say earlier, before

1:02:42

it was rudely interrupted. I apologize.

1:02:45

Yeah, maybe it is you teaching, but then you

1:02:47

can't really party. I would love to

1:02:49

just teach kids because I think I'm really good

1:02:51

at identifying. I'm good at a couple things

1:02:54

that I don't think people do enough. I'm

1:02:56

good at celebrating talent. Like

1:02:58

I'm really good at celebrating talent. We

1:03:01

talked about this earlier on the tour, but

1:03:05

I have no ego in finding someone

1:03:07

cool and then wanting to meet them or hang

1:03:09

out with them. That's why I approach celebrities and

1:03:11

why I reached out to you guys was like,

1:03:13

can I do your podcast? I

1:03:16

love that. I love

1:03:18

finding cool people and being around cool

1:03:20

people. Look at like,

1:03:22

I mean, I don't mean this selfishly.

1:03:25

I'm cool, but like look

1:03:28

at everyone that I've ever

1:03:30

surround myself. They're all like all the

1:03:32

guys I like are either the

1:03:34

biggest comics in the world or about to be the

1:03:37

biggest comics in the world. It's just like, I don't

1:03:39

think enough people do that. I think enough people, I

1:03:41

think sometimes people selfishly think of themselves. I also try

1:03:44

to recognize luck and see when it's coming

1:03:46

up. I can when the universe is giving

1:03:48

you an opportunity, always saying yes to it.

1:03:51

Sure. Yeah, I don't know. I

1:03:54

try it, you know, I try to wrap

1:03:56

my head around the luck thing and I can't

1:03:58

necessarily. What do you mean? I love it.

1:04:00

I love luck. You're so lucky. Sure.

1:04:04

Yeah, I don't know. I mean

1:04:06

luck doesn't mean... Yeah,

1:04:09

like luck doesn't cancel out your hard work.

1:04:12

No hard work gets into the luck. But what

1:04:14

is the luck? Like give me a moment where

1:04:16

you got lucky. Oh, I

1:04:18

mean... I'm asking. I don't know. Oh, I

1:04:20

have a million. I have absolutely million. I

1:04:23

mean the luckiest I ever got was that girl

1:04:25

commenting on the machine story. That's

1:04:29

the luckiest I ever got but like I

1:04:32

mean I have so many opportunities in

1:04:35

my life that presented itself like you

1:04:37

know, I look back at like meeting

1:04:41

Joe is a very lucky moment in my life

1:04:43

and I think I Walked

1:04:46

through a door that I wasn't prepared to walk

1:04:48

through but I presented myself an authentic way I

1:04:51

just was like I'm here for this moment, but like I'm

1:04:53

also a fan of shit It's like I was a fan

1:04:55

of Joe's before anyone was listening to his podcast Like

1:04:58

I was a fan of him when he was doing the

1:05:00

Joe show. I was when he started the podcast I was

1:05:02

watching every episode. I was like present and

1:05:04

celebrating cool shit going like Sean

1:05:08

Evans met met him before anyone was doing hot

1:05:10

ones reached out to him And

1:05:13

I think I mean I'm lucky in crazy

1:05:15

ways like the Danny Graves. That's just luck.

1:05:17

That's just me saying that's the I go

1:05:19

I said to Leanne I go of course

1:05:21

that happens to me because I am the

1:05:23

kid that for whatever Thing

1:05:25

my skill set is that I remember the guys

1:05:27

that were good in baseball and I never forget

1:05:30

about them I never selfishly go fuck baseball. I'm

1:05:32

done with it. I always think about them. I

1:05:34

think I remember weird things I mean

1:05:36

I've won So

1:05:38

many raffles, it's crazy, but I go in and

1:05:40

I stack the deck. I won the 5050 raffle

1:05:42

the Flyers game Mm-hmm one twenty nine thousand

1:05:45

dollars. I mean I spent

1:05:47

thirty together spent four spent four Yeah,

1:05:49

but for definitely spent four, but I

1:05:51

always and I also said to

1:05:54

Georgia we were at a Dodgers game and The

1:05:57

5050 raffle was a hundred eighty four $4,000

1:06:00

and I bought like five grand

1:06:02

worth of tickets and she goes why are you even doing

1:06:04

that? You're gonna lose and I went it's a mindset. I

1:06:07

said Georgia. Let me tell you something how my brain works,

1:06:09

baby I said I Will

1:06:11

catch a foul ball today and I'm gonna win

1:06:13

that 50-50 raffle she

1:06:15

goes that's not gonna happen and I said

1:06:17

something great is gonna happen and She

1:06:20

said I swear to God we

1:06:23

had Five

1:06:25

foul foul balls hit within five rows

1:06:27

of us all over the place And

1:06:30

she kept looking at me and at

1:06:32

a certain point She was like is he just

1:06:34

dumb enough to make this happen? Sure And then

1:06:36

I said I said and at the end of

1:06:38

the game She goes you didn't get a foul

1:06:40

ball and I go. Yeah, but you know what?

1:06:43

I'm so lucky it permeates everyone around me got

1:06:45

foul Ball, I go. That's how I believe life

1:06:47

works that like I was with a kid one

1:06:49

time This is this is I

1:06:51

I'm never I never articulate this well enough. We were on

1:06:54

a boat in In

1:06:56

Utah a houseboat and he

1:06:58

said I can

1:07:00

predict Heads

1:07:02

and tails on a coin and I

1:07:04

said what he goes with a hundred percent accuracy I can

1:07:06

predict heads or tails and I went

1:07:08

and he can't he goes absolutely can and

1:07:11

I said Do it and he goes

1:07:13

do it for money I said

1:07:15

thousand dollars and he goes thousand dollars if I can do

1:07:17

it I won't pay you if I can't do it and

1:07:19

I go I'll give you a thousand dollars if you can

1:07:21

predict three heads or tails Back to back to back and

1:07:24

he goes easy easy So we

1:07:26

do there's a bunch of you right he did the first one

1:07:28

in the area goes heads I catch it put it

1:07:30

look at its heads. I go fuck and

1:07:33

up next one. He goes heads It's

1:07:35

heads again, and I

1:07:37

thought for one second. I

1:07:39

believed in God I believed that he could predict

1:07:41

heads or tails on the last one catches it

1:07:44

and he goes heads And it was tails and

1:07:46

I get you lost and he goes yeah, but

1:07:48

you thought I could predict Yeah, tails and I

1:07:51

and that's what luck is is just believing

1:07:53

in yourself that luck is showing up

1:07:55

like that kid And he just

1:07:57

looked at me goes yeah, but I believed it and you

1:08:00

believed it. And I was like,

1:08:02

Oh, that was so powerful of a moment where I

1:08:04

was like, you gotta be stupid

1:08:06

enough to believe you're gonna be the luckiest kid in

1:08:09

the world. You gotta be stupid enough to go, if

1:08:11

I show up, something good's gonna happen. If I show

1:08:13

up good shit and just have a smile and be

1:08:15

like, Bert, can you go on? I mean, there's times

1:08:17

where I, I just go, I go, that's

1:08:20

because I'm lucky. Like we did my first

1:08:22

ever showcase ever in Hollywood, uh,

1:08:24

earthquake was going up second and no one

1:08:27

wanted to follow him. And I remember

1:08:29

just thinking, well,

1:08:32

fuck it, I'll do it. Like go

1:08:34

and fuck it. And they were like, I

1:08:36

mean, fucking every big comic bailed and

1:08:38

left and didn't do the showcase. I

1:08:40

went up after earthquake, murdered, murdered. I

1:08:42

had the best that I've ever had in

1:08:45

my life. And I got

1:08:47

it changed. It changed my television career

1:08:49

entirely. But I believe that somebody

1:08:51

goes, Oh no, I'm not doing it. I don't want to be

1:08:54

a part of it. I think that's the unlucky part of your

1:08:56

brain. The lucky part of your

1:08:58

brain has to see the world is full of

1:09:00

opportunities, full of like a

1:09:02

chance to roll the dice on yourself

1:09:05

and win. We went to a casino in,

1:09:08

uh, in Atlantic city

1:09:10

and I turned to Butch Bradley. I

1:09:12

said, Butch Bradley, Steve Byrne, uh,

1:09:14

Brett Ernst, Mike Young and myself, and

1:09:17

I think Sebastian Maniscalco. And I said,

1:09:20

I am the luckiest guy you'll ever meet. And

1:09:22

they said, really? And I said, just, I won't

1:09:24

even place a bet, place a bet

1:09:26

on, uh, on roulette. I'm so

1:09:29

lucky you'll fucking win. And Butch Bradley put

1:09:31

a hundred dollars on a number and

1:09:33

it fucking hit. And the look on his face, he

1:09:35

went like this, he went, and

1:09:39

I go, it's what I do. I just walked away,

1:09:42

but I believe in luck. I really believe in luck. I

1:09:44

believe, I believe in it. I

1:09:46

really truly, and I like identifying when my

1:09:49

luck showed up because then other

1:09:51

people will go, Oh, so that's

1:09:53

there also. Like I used to make this joke

1:09:55

about Kevin Hart where I was like, I

1:09:58

don't want to hear about his hard work. We can all work. work hard.

1:10:00

There's guys that are losing, working hard. I want

1:10:02

to hear about the times he got lucky. Like

1:10:04

the time Cat Williams packed a gun

1:10:07

in his bag and didn't get on the flight

1:10:09

to go do fool's gold and they had to

1:10:11

hustle and go, who do we get? We want

1:10:13

someone, we already got, we need someone small and

1:10:15

black and they go, go to Kevin

1:10:17

Hart. And they get, I want to hear about

1:10:19

those moments because those gives you hope in the

1:10:21

career. Dane Cook, I'm sitting in his house one

1:10:23

time and he's just shitting and pissing about the

1:10:25

business and how things are happening and this

1:10:27

and that. And I was like, dude, it's going to happen for you.

1:10:29

The next day I show up at his house and he goes, dude,

1:10:32

you left. I got a call to start a movie in

1:10:34

China. And I was like, what? And

1:10:36

he goes, isn't that crazy? And I was like, yeah,

1:10:38

he goes, that's how this business is like a lottery

1:10:41

ticket. Always. I really believe it's the business is like

1:10:43

a lottery ticket. Yeah, it makes sense. But

1:10:45

if all those years ago, the Raven, Lange and Philly, you would

1:10:47

have walked in and I wouldn't have been there. Talk

1:10:50

about luck, baby. Talk about luck. Probably 50 pounds lighter. Uh,

1:10:55

Tom Segura, Charlie, Charlie Murphy

1:10:57

said Tom Segura, um,

1:11:00

Hey, do you want to go to dinner with me

1:11:02

tonight? This is how long I was, I know this

1:11:04

is whatever it is, but this is how the universe

1:11:06

works. And Tom said,

1:11:08

yes. He was on the real men of comedy tour

1:11:11

with John Heffern, Tony

1:11:13

Murphy and Joe Rogan. And so

1:11:15

Charlie Murphy goes, all right, wait here for me. So

1:11:18

Tom waits by the exit for

1:11:20

Charlie Murphy who takes forever and

1:11:23

Joe Rogan walks by and they don't know each other. And

1:11:25

Joe goes, you're really funny. Tom's like,

1:11:27

thanks. And he goes, you should come on the road with me.

1:11:30

Tom's like, I'd love that. And he goes, cool. Hit me

1:11:32

up. So Tom starts working with Rogan. Then

1:11:34

Tom says, you gotta meet my buddy Burt. He's

1:11:36

funny as shit. That's luck. That's, I remember thinking,

1:11:38

I think all the time if Charlie Murphy hadn't

1:11:41

invited Tom to dinner and made Tom

1:11:43

wait for him, he never would have met

1:11:45

Rogan. None of this would have happened for

1:11:47

all our like me, Tommy, like all our

1:11:49

guys. I always look at like

1:11:51

life that way as like, like how

1:11:53

cool, like we were talking about me

1:11:55

getting cheated on. Me

1:11:57

getting cheated on blood diamond mines. And

1:12:00

how you go that's the worst.

1:12:03

What's the best thing that ever fucking happened to you?

1:12:05

Because then you start partying you get written

1:12:07

up in Rolling Stone I mean I got wrote up you want to

1:12:09

talk about luck I got written up in Rolling Stone

1:12:11

magazine is the number one party animal in the country in 1997

1:12:13

that Know

1:12:16

that that's like a gift from the universe

1:12:19

you were put in the hard work drinking

1:12:21

the party is Looking

1:12:24

at the stars or whatever you yeah Yeah,

1:12:27

which sounds like a schizophrenic episode by the

1:12:29

way anything involving tin foil and drugs ain't

1:12:31

good your buddy's staring at tin foil You

1:12:40

could have been a baseball star Should

1:12:43

write a book about luck. I believe in luck.

1:12:45

I so do so do I so

1:12:47

do you call luck even like chance

1:12:50

Happen stance like that's luck like all

1:12:52

that stuff everything everything's luck. Everything's

1:12:54

luck. I met a guy at a I Met

1:12:56

a guy at a bar at The

1:12:59

what's the club the flappers? But

1:13:01

15 years ago met a guy at

1:13:04

a bar cool guy and he said

1:13:06

you're funny and I was like cool I say you want

1:13:08

drink you said yeah, he goes let's do a movie. I

1:13:10

was like Done he goes

1:13:12

take my number. I was like whatever

1:13:14

didn't talk to the guy for like 12 years I

1:13:17

walk into a room with a couple movie

1:13:19

pitch ideas, and he's like do you remember me? And I

1:13:21

said no is I met you at flappers. We party the

1:13:23

flappers. I said we're gonna make a movie We're gonna make

1:13:25

a movie pick one movie you want to make I said

1:13:27

the machine he goes done sold and That

1:13:30

was kale Boyder. He made my movie the

1:13:32

machine. I believe in that Crazy

1:13:34

like hang out say yes, don't laugh take

1:13:36

a laugh Like a lot it will take

1:13:39

a fucking life a great fight you cannot

1:13:41

get lucky if you don't leave your house

1:13:44

Yeah, the fact yeah, you've got to leave your

1:13:46

house. You gotta say yes You gotta fucking do

1:13:48

things you don't want to do just like 100%

1:13:51

It's like just I mean the luck of being seen on

1:13:53

stage Well, you're not gonna be seen on stage if you're

1:13:55

not hustling if you know those early years to get on

1:13:57

stage and then get On you gotta do the work. Yes

1:14:00

But you gotta show up to get lucky. Yeah.

1:14:02

Yeah, no, I agree for sure. We got lucky

1:14:04

last night. Yeah We

1:14:06

are really lucky. Don't say it like that. I Did

1:14:11

masturbate in my book It's

1:14:15

a bit we're doing bits well,

1:14:17

I mind you listen, I'm lucky

1:14:19

I got to I think

1:14:21

think about The luck I mean

1:14:23

just the luck now granted there's talent that goes

1:14:25

with it. But like if you could name

1:14:29

If you name five of the best rappers in

1:14:31

the world, there are people that are Die

1:14:36

lost bits red hot fire But

1:14:39

like but like Chappelle meet Chappelle's

1:14:41

lucky sure like a great white shark

1:14:44

and then you get a moment where you meet the guy

1:14:46

and I always think I mean he's Supposed

1:14:50

my fucking luck Buddha He

1:14:53

is I got a lapel show because

1:14:55

I met him randomly I Technically

1:14:58

technically I met you through Chappelle

1:15:01

because I met Tom Segura came to

1:15:03

a Chappelle show That's where I met Tom and

1:15:05

I'll and then Tom was like hey birth Christ is

1:15:07

doing this Tour thing. He's like

1:15:10

you may out maybe you could DJ it and

1:15:12

that was the first one and it didn't work

1:15:14

out and I was fucking pissed and Uh,

1:15:17

I go. Hey what happened? He never called me. He goes.

1:15:19

Oh, he got this other girl Carter Cruz who's fucking dope

1:15:22

and it didn't work out and then

1:15:24

the next year I get it and Mind

1:15:27

you that whole tour was phenomenal And

1:15:31

all the energy of that tour and still

1:15:33

last night was just like a different Fucking

1:15:36

just a moment. Yeah, and we explained it.

1:15:38

No one's gonna feel it the way we

1:15:40

felt. I know you know who's feeling it

1:15:44

Those kids what all those kids woke up

1:15:46

this morning. Yeah, I'm jealous that I don't

1:15:48

get their their dorm room They're

1:15:51

frat energy of like yeah, the one kid

1:15:53

getting up going fucking yeah,

1:15:55

Christ. You're here last night machine And

1:15:57

they're going how fucking lucky were we?

1:16:00

That he fucking out luck. I

1:16:02

was it's just in that that energy at college

1:16:04

energy right now They're eating fucking raising

1:16:07

canes and they're giggling to each other about

1:16:09

how crazy that's a moment I got a

1:16:11

picture with those days Those

1:16:14

kids will tell that story

1:16:16

forever My

1:16:19

father does it I

1:16:21

don't know who it was, but it was one of the two guys Well,

1:16:26

this was been a great week. It's been a great

1:16:28

man awesome and perfect mix couldn't be more can't be

1:16:30

more grateful for For

1:16:32

having us along. I'm sorry lucky to be here.

1:16:34

Yeah, there you go do a lap you got

1:16:37

it Well, let's go say we take shits and

1:16:39

then go walk around James Madison University today Okay,

1:16:41

by the way walking a walk around premise. I

1:16:43

got to give a shout out to the movie

1:16:46

Leanne got it from his soap dish Is

1:16:49

where with Sally Fields would whoopi

1:16:51

Grover were doing Sally Fields isn't a bad move would

1:16:53

take her to the mall in parameters So she got

1:16:55

a star. Yeah, so she got recognized and it would

1:16:57

change would yell out Whoopi

1:16:59

Goldberg would pretend she knew her but she

1:17:02

pretends she didn't know her she'd be like oh my god

1:17:04

You're so and so yeah, and then it would start the

1:17:06

floor That's the Garden

1:17:08

State Mall in parameters. Really? Yeah, that's why

1:17:10

they say premise Oh Garden State. Yeah, good

1:17:12

movie great movie Thank

1:17:15

you guys for doing this weekend you buddy great

1:17:17

podcast a everyone go see Are

1:17:20

you garbage in Tampa? Mm-hmm April 13

1:17:22

April 19 April my birthday plenty of

1:17:25

tickets available That's

1:17:28

my birthday. Yeah, and I will be at the forum May 11th

1:17:31

Netflix is a joke festival run the 5k Wait,

1:17:35

I got a Netflix show. Are you gonna run the 5k?

1:17:39

My Netflix show is May 6th

1:17:41

at the laugh factory cyber sounds and

1:17:43

friends Wanna

1:17:46

be one of my friends I can definitely be one of your friends

1:17:48

I got a couple secret friends come in a go and then I'll

1:17:50

be and then I want to do the 5k thing So

1:17:52

may see if I'll be okay. We are getting or

1:17:54

you to do the 5k. Oh, no, we'll do

1:17:56

that No, it's been indoors in great shape. We already do the 5k

1:18:00

We're reaching out to a bunch of

1:18:03

a bunch of celebrities that are still

1:18:05

pending, but we would love Folion

1:18:08

are you gonna do it next year? No,

1:18:13

I mean yeah, I'm done I think no I

1:18:15

think the way this is working out

1:18:17

I think we're gonna make it a yearly event. We

1:18:19

have a show the next day in New York. Yeah,

1:18:21

we got a lot They have they have playing. Oh,

1:18:23

but that's Yeah, we're

1:18:25

gonna need a week. You almost killed me yesterday walking around

1:18:29

You walk three miles yesterday walk three miles

1:18:31

in my knee What

1:18:36

I'm gonna be the guy who takes six hours The

1:18:39

bar drink and then I'm gonna miss dinner. What if

1:18:41

we got you what if we got you a golf

1:18:43

cart? I'm tell that's what I'm gonna give you a

1:18:45

mic. That's what I want. Yeah, the mohorn

1:18:47

that would be fucking hilarious We got you know, jelly

1:18:50

roll Screaming at

1:18:52

all these celebrities Wait,

1:18:54

you have a show Brad Pitt you stay

1:18:56

hurry up may 8th you have a show.

1:18:58

Yeah, May 9th. It's May 9th Or

1:19:03

races may 7 it's on a 26 Zones

1:19:06

are killing me. I do a lot. The reason

1:19:08

I asked about next year is I

1:19:10

could get my I could get myself You

1:19:13

could get yourself there. You have

1:19:15

a full month to get ready a

1:19:18

month. Yeah I got no cartilage in my knees.

1:19:20

I would kill I go full keto go full

1:19:22

keto. I'm gonna put him back I wouldn't be

1:19:24

able to walk buddy. I've traveled

1:19:26

the country with this guy What he ain't

1:19:28

got a 5k in them. All right, but

1:19:30

I might submit when we're the last gate

1:19:32

in the terminal Your

1:19:35

5k I hate to pop

1:19:37

the bubble here publicly, but it

1:19:40

ain't happening. Okay, it ain't fucking

1:19:42

happening I Could

1:19:52

Slowly, prepare for next year. We will be doing this

1:19:54

again next year. I Don't know if we'll be doing

1:19:56

Netflix, but I'm certain we'll do this again. We We've

1:19:58

teamed up as part in racing. The we are

1:20:00

going to be polite. Nice Five Guys on lot

1:20:02

once a year. Yeah, they're going to be a

1:20:04

thing. We want everyone to stay in shape and

1:20:07

get healthy. It's of the best feeling in the

1:20:09

world is not drink too much last night, get

1:20:11

the high, get in bed giggling to myself and

1:20:13

get up this morning when I feel fucking amazing.

1:20:15

And it's I think it's because I lost the

1:20:17

way that I managed to eat better and. Is

1:20:20

the best Health is fucking. We were first night

1:20:22

we're going to our bloodwork together. Their

1:20:24

minds migrate knows better than

1:20:26

mine was short. And. I

1:20:29

got mine down so a more green baby

1:20:31

straight down on enjoyed your good amount of

1:20:33

say yeah he had that Mondo Burger Leds

1:20:35

night owl he up indistinct added up to

1:20:38

eighty feet as he had seven I had

1:20:40

one it and he was mad that I

1:20:42

took it as a surprising given me the

1:20:44

fuck inside office and I came over to

1:20:47

get a slice of the mom those. Are

1:20:50

the most as far as the

1:20:52

sooner we learned positive reinforcement. I

1:20:55

like that he. Says

1:20:57

is is legal in the. Devil Zola Soldiers

1:20:59

sloppy back in the Rio's in volume.

1:21:02

my brain works so similar is I

1:21:04

go your eaten great as new Joe

1:21:06

a city guy. Had a salad. And.

1:21:09

That's it. Was. This bites and

1:21:11

some fries with an iron ring but

1:21:13

up but i had that salad that

1:21:15

noticed when we did so bright over

1:21:17

jos like how much to drink as

1:21:19

the nine drinks and and com is

1:21:21

my kevin and exists other double. Bogey

1:21:25

really find it. I'll get ya. the

1:21:27

doubles movie the opposite non earnest with

1:21:29

the fucking add a very little bit

1:21:32

of french fries maybe a handful said

1:21:34

Seattle Salad I got those a zoo

1:21:36

because I was covered address A. Happy.

1:21:40

With the fucking freely balsamic a settlement

1:21:42

of the of who to see suits.

1:21:46

the couple of fish in a bowl of

1:21:48

loot man i want of a kiss said

1:21:50

that that server is i was i was

1:21:52

dreading that think i'm a that's you've got

1:21:55

three on phrase is worth dot a shepherd's

1:21:57

pie but even with no for mean if

1:21:59

it's a sad Hangers and mash are going

1:22:01

around. And when you didn't get

1:22:03

your sausage rolls, you started getting a little chippy. I'm

1:22:06

just, excuse me, hey lady, I know. And

1:22:10

I thought it was just going to be the

1:22:12

worst salad ever and it was actually delicious and

1:22:14

covered in dressing. The best is we get in

1:22:16

the van, Kevin's burping, he goes, who gets mashed

1:22:18

potatoes for lunch? Dude, mashed potatoes at lunch. I

1:22:21

had to take a 50 minute

1:22:23

nap, dude, I woke up

1:22:26

so sweaty, just burning off

1:22:28

starch in my bum,

1:22:30

dude, I was so

1:22:32

sweaty. The air was

1:22:34

blasting and I was still just sweating out. Dude,

1:22:40

it has to be after 5pm to have mashed

1:22:42

potatoes. I made a big call to perform in

1:22:44

front of 10,000 people. Bro, did you go on

1:22:46

stage? Yeah, he did. Oh man, I kind of

1:22:48

burnt rolled the dice on the chicken tikka masala

1:22:50

in an ironed egg. No, it was a Scottish

1:22:52

pub. Yeah, it was a Scottish pub. It knocked

1:22:54

me down. That's why I ordered three entrees. That's

1:22:56

why I ordered three entrees because I was like,

1:22:58

I'm not going to like that. I might like

1:23:01

that. That may be a sleeper and I

1:23:03

just had the bangers and just the bangers

1:23:05

really. And they look great. No,

1:23:07

I would have one Indian dish in there.

1:23:11

God damn, almost passed out laughing. That hadn't

1:23:13

happened in a while. All right, let's

1:23:15

take a shit to go for a walk. I love you guys. This

1:23:38

episode was brought to you by The Machine.