0:03

So often, our kids only see

0:05

emotions in those real extremes, and

0:08

we have to help them to

0:11

be able to see the nuance

0:13

of emotions, to see the different

0:15

emotions that fall into the

0:18

categories of happy or mad

0:20

or sad, so that they

0:22

can express how they're feeling

0:25

in a more appropriate way. Welcome

0:30

to the Beautifully Complex podcast,

0:32

where I share insights and

0:34

strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids

0:37

straight from the trenches. I'm your

0:39

host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting

0:41

coach, author, and mindset mama honored

0:43

to guide you on the journey

0:45

of raising your atypical kid. Let's

0:48

get started. Hi,

0:53

everyone. Welcome back to

0:55

the Beautifully Complex podcast.

0:57

Today, I want to

1:00

talk to you about

1:02

extreme language and extreme

1:05

actions and why

1:07

that happens with our kids

1:09

and what we can do

1:11

to help those kinds of

1:13

situations. You know, I hear from parents

1:15

all the time, my kid

1:17

says all of these really extreme

1:19

things that make me really scared

1:21

for them are really hurt.

1:24

And while we

1:26

don't necessarily accept

1:30

what they're saying or the actions

1:32

that they're having, what we need

1:34

to do first is understand why

1:36

that is happening. Because as I've

1:39

talked about a million times before,

1:41

we have to understand the reason

1:43

the behavior is happening in order

1:46

to change it. And so you

1:49

might hear your kids say things

1:51

like, I shouldn't be

1:53

alive. I hate you. I'm

1:56

going to kill them. I might

1:58

as well die. you never

2:00

loved me or I never loved you,

2:03

you're the worst

2:05

parent ever and that is really hurtful,

2:09

right? Some of that is really

2:11

scary. Threatening harm

2:14

to oneself or someone else

2:17

is a really scary thing, right? And

2:19

so we worry that

2:21

our kids may actually

2:23

mean these things literally

2:25

and oftentimes they

2:28

don't and I'm going to

2:31

get to what I mean by that in

2:33

just a moment. The other

2:35

extremes that can happen is extreme

2:37

behavior, is extreme actions, right? They

2:39

might be throwing, punching,

2:42

destroying property, locking

2:45

themselves in their room,

2:48

maybe even getting a knife from the

2:50

kitchen. We don't talk about this enough

2:52

because people are afraid and they're ashamed

2:54

and they think that others are going

2:57

to judge them. But what

2:59

happens so often in these

3:01

situations is that our kids

3:03

only see things in extremes and

3:06

they're really trying to get us to

3:09

understand the depth of their

3:11

emotions, the depth of their hurt and

3:13

their pain and they don't

3:15

know how to do that in a different

3:17

way. So let's look

3:20

at in detail what that use

3:22

of extremes is telling you.

3:25

If that is your kid, what is

3:28

this behavior? Either saying extreme things

3:31

or acting in really extreme ways

3:33

that might be aggressive and violent

3:35

and scary. What do they mean?

3:38

Number one is that they

3:40

only see emotions in extremes.

3:43

Here's what I mean by that. If I

3:45

am mad, I am raging, I am destroying

3:48

things, I am threatening

3:50

people to keep myself safe. If

3:53

I'm sad, it's

3:56

the end of the world, I might as well be dead.

3:59

If they're happy. sometimes even

4:01

that is an extremes. They're bouncing off

4:03

the walls, they're saying you

4:05

know crazy things about just

4:08

fantastical stuff, right? So

4:10

often our kids only

4:12

see emotions in those real extremes and

4:15

we have to help them to be

4:18

able to see the nuance of

4:21

emotions, to see the different emotions

4:23

that fall into the categories of

4:25

happy or mad or sad so

4:28

that they can express

4:30

how they're feeling in

4:32

a more appropriate way. The

4:35

other reason that kids might use

4:37

extremes, what it's telling you is

4:40

that they're trying to communicate the

4:42

depth, the intensity

4:45

of their feelings. When

4:48

my own kid was younger, he would come

4:50

on from school and just say

4:52

the most crazy stories and

4:55

I for a long time

4:57

didn't understand it and so I would say I

4:59

know that didn't happen or no you

5:01

know like one time he came home

5:04

and he said John tried to kill

5:06

me on the playground and he was adamant

5:08

that this student in the third

5:11

grade literally tried to

5:13

end his life and

5:15

I knew that wasn't true, right? We're talking

5:17

about nine-year-olds, I knew it wasn't true and

5:19

I was trying to talk him down and

5:21

rationalize it and say you know

5:24

I know that's not true, he didn't

5:26

try to kill you, you need to

5:28

be more actual and factual and what

5:31

you're telling me and what I

5:33

learned later is that he was

5:35

telling me what it felt

5:37

like, what that interaction

5:39

with John felt like

5:41

to him. It felt

5:44

very scary, it felt

5:46

very unsafe and

5:48

the extreme language that he was

5:50

using was to try to

5:52

communicate to be the intensity

5:55

of danger he felt from

5:59

that kid in that moment. That

6:02

requires a very different

6:04

response, right? That

6:07

may require a conversation, but

6:10

by saying to him when I didn't know

6:12

any better, oh, that didn't happen,

6:14

I was invalidating how he

6:16

was feeling and I was not helpful.

6:19

It didn't teach him how

6:21

to better express how he

6:23

was feeling either. So

6:25

let's talk about now what

6:28

do we do? So kids

6:30

are saying extreme things. They're acting

6:32

in extreme ways. We understand that

6:34

it's either because they only see emotions

6:37

in the extremes and or

6:39

they're trying to really communicate the

6:41

intensity of how they were feeling,

6:44

but we still need to address the issue,

6:46

right? Because it's

6:49

not healthy to see everything in

6:51

extremes. It's not healthy to sort

6:54

of exaggerate when you communicate

6:56

to somebody what has happened to you. So

6:59

we need to talk about

7:02

what do we do with this. First,

7:04

I want you to know that

7:06

you need to work on not taking it

7:09

personally. If your kid screams, I hate you

7:11

in the middle of the grocery store. When

7:13

you take it personally, the shame,

7:15

the blame, the hiding, all these things come

7:17

into play. You can't take it personally. You

7:19

have to be able to stay a little

7:22

bit detached from your own emotions,

7:25

honestly, when that is happening so

7:27

that you can be helpful rather

7:29

than escalating that situation. The

7:40

other thing that you can do is

7:42

to work on social-emotional learning. Work

7:45

on teaching your child

7:47

the different emotions that fall

7:49

into maybe the angry bucket.

7:52

Talking about how when you're frustrated when

7:55

you're doing your homework, It's

7:57

not appropriate to be raging and destroying

7:59

property. It's not

8:01

appropriate to be saying hateful

8:03

things to people all that

8:05

the way that we communicate

8:07

frustration, looks and difference and

8:10

just really working through all

8:12

the different nuances of angry,

8:14

of happy, of sad, So.

8:16

That. We. Can really

8:18

have kids to be able

8:21

to communicate and even identify

8:23

for themselves. Feelings.

8:25

At different levels of intensities

8:28

or everything isn't necessarily. Super

8:30

super intense about extreme.

8:33

We also want to teach kids

8:35

how to use language that is

8:38

talking about how things seal. versus.

8:41

What? Actually happened in

8:44

reality. So. Teaching them

8:46

to say like in that

8:48

example, when John did this

8:50

to me today at recess,

8:52

it felt. Like. He was trying

8:54

to kill me. So. He actually

8:57

it's you know sounds to me and

8:59

I fell on the ground. But

9:01

it sounds. Like he

9:04

was trying to kill me. They're

9:06

very difference in our kids need

9:08

to have that nuance of language

9:11

and communication. In order

9:13

to be able to manage

9:15

feelings and emotions and the

9:17

appropriate level for what is

9:19

going on. Another.

9:22

Strategy for that is to work on. Intro:

9:24

Such an interception is

9:26

our sink dogs that

9:28

are body gives us.

9:31

Late when your stomach growls as

9:33

telling you that you're hungry when

9:36

your skin feels cold it's telling

9:38

you that your cold the you

9:40

need me to put gloves on.

9:43

Working on identifying how your

9:45

body is feeling and interpreting

9:48

those signals as really important

9:50

to help kids works through

9:53

those feelings and emotions because

9:55

they need to be able

9:58

to notice the. There's

10:00

and then be able to

10:02

communicate them inappropriate healthy way.

10:05

And. Also to interpret them for

10:07

themselves and for others you know,

10:09

other people can't seal your stomach

10:12

growling and they might hear it,

10:14

but a lot of times they

10:16

don't. So. You need

10:18

to interpret your own body

10:20

signal and then be able

10:23

to communicate at an inappropriate

10:25

way. So. I feel a

10:27

real sense of panic and my skin

10:29

is sort of tingley. I need to

10:32

be able to identify that if I

10:34

start yelling at people have and saying

10:36

hateful things and destroying. Property.

10:39

They're. Going to have any idea that

10:41

I actually feel aim says that I

10:43

am panicked for some reason and rate

10:45

so we need to teach kids how

10:47

to interpret those bodies signals and then

10:50

communicate. What's going on for them

10:52

in a healthy, appropriate. way And

10:54

we also need to be the

10:56

com anger. We. Need to

10:58

be the com presence in these

11:00

situations. When. We're able to

11:03

stay calm. Then our

11:05

kids are. More able to

11:07

say com right? because we are

11:10

offering co regularly. Some. If.

11:12

We match their intensity were

11:14

escalating that situation. We're. As

11:16

skill leading that feeling of not

11:19

being safe that they're feeling and

11:21

remember we feel safer, unsafe and

11:23

a variety of ways. It's not

11:26

just physical danger is also social

11:28

emotional. And. Mental

11:30

or psychological danger.

11:33

So. Your child. Might feel

11:35

emotionally insanely is. And.

11:37

They might be lashing out,

11:40

they might be looking like

11:42

they're super aggressive and violent.

11:44

Name great when actually they

11:47

are just really really unsafe

11:49

and this regulated. And

11:51

that is the only way that

11:53

they know how to communicate it

11:55

or they are so far this

11:57

regulator that they are thinking brain

11:59

as often line A can access

12:01

and they can even think about

12:03

how to communicate how they're feeling.

12:05

So working on self regulation release

12:07

activities hopes a great deal with

12:09

us as well. Now as

12:12

you are listening to this, this

12:14

episode comes out on April Eighteenth.

12:16

Twenty Twenty Four. The registration

12:18

of for Our Survival to

12:20

Success Accelerator program is open.

12:23

It's open from April sixteenth,

12:25

April. Twenty second, Twenty Twenty

12:28

Four. This was formerly known

12:30

as Be V Revolution. Program

12:32

now called Survival Suits Success.

12:35

X Mama. Ru there. We

12:37

actually have a regulation tool

12:39

kit with that program with

12:42

a Feelings Well with a

12:44

feelings poster that are designed

12:46

for this exact purpose that

12:48

I've talked about in this

12:51

episode to help your kids

12:53

learn emotional nuance communication skills.

12:55

That program walks you through

12:57

every step. Of doing all

13:00

of the things that I just

13:02

talked about doing to help When

13:04

your. Kid communicates their

13:07

feelings and intense.

13:09

Extreme ways so.

13:12

Registration Open right now until April.

13:14

Twenty Second. Twenty Twenty Four. If

13:16

you're listening after those dates you

13:19

can go to the same link

13:21

and I'm about to give you

13:23

join our waiting list for the

13:25

next time Registration opens and you

13:28

will get a free starter kit

13:30

that will help get you started

13:32

on this path. And on this

13:34

journey you can go to the

13:37

Behavior revolution.com. Slash.

13:39

Program. The. Behavior

13:41

of a loose and.com/program I

13:43

will also have that linked

13:45

up in the show. Notes

13:47

for this episode which are

13:49

at Parenting A D H

13:52

D and autism.com site To

13:54

Six One for Episode Two

13:56

Hundred and Sixty One. So.

13:58

Really worked on stepping. When

14:00

it happened and asking yourself is

14:02

my child struggling to really communicate

14:05

to me the intensity of their

14:07

feeling, the deaths of the struggle,

14:09

the pain, the feeling of and

14:12

safety and not being say if.

14:15

Or. Are they just only seeing

14:17

their most and than one way

14:19

one extreme? Or could it be

14:21

both? And what can you do

14:23

about that, how can you start building these

14:25

skills to really help your kid, of course

14:27

we would love to have? In.

14:30

These survival to success accelerator program

14:32

thriller work with your help you

14:34

more on that as well. and

14:36

there are many different podcast episodes

14:38

if you're not. Ready to

14:41

think the program that. Can help

14:43

you in these areas of social

14:45

emotional learning. Of feelings and

14:47

emotions and speaking son and just

14:49

emotional intelligence and regularly son skill.

14:51

So I hope that you will

14:54

check that out in one way

14:56

or another and start working on

14:58

the skills with your kids. Are

15:00

your students and I will see

15:03

you on the next episode. He

15:05

really didn't care. For

15:08

join me on the beautifully complex

15:10

podcasts. If you enjoyed this episode,

15:12

please subscribe and share. And

15:14

don't forget to check out my

15:16

online courses and coaching at Piercing

15:19

A D H D and autism.com

15:21

Center He behavior with.