0:00

Bad Dates! Speed

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Dates! Hello

0:06

and welcome to Bad Dates. I'm Jamila Jamil

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and this is another Speed Date edition. And

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today we're talking about when to bring your

0:13

date home for the holidays. And joining me

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is my hilarious friend Grace Campbell. Now

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Grace, the holidays are coming up and I want to ask you this question. Where

0:24

do you have to be in your relationship before bringing them

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home for the holidays? Is that

0:28

something that's important to you? I,

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oh my god, I actually, I just

0:34

remembered this. I don't know

0:36

if I told you this story about last

0:38

Christmas. This is a fucking weird story. So

0:40

last Christmas I went out,

0:42

so where I'm from in North London, we go

0:45

to the same pub on Christmas Eve. Last

0:47

Christmas I ended up bringing a guy home that

0:49

I went to school with on Christmas Eve, right?

0:51

So I wake up on Christmas Day

0:53

and this guy's in my bed. And I was like,

0:55

okay, obviously you've got to go, like it's Christmas Day,

0:57

like I'm going to go see my family. My god

1:00

sisters are coming to meet me

1:02

for a walk and like their

1:04

families. And we're going to go for a big

1:06

family walk. So I said to this guy, I

1:09

was like, you've got to go, like my god sisters

1:11

are about to get here. They ring

1:13

on the bell, the guy's leaving when we're

1:15

going out for our Christmas Day walk. And

1:17

my god sister, Georgia, who's just like too

1:19

nice for her own good, invites him on

1:21

the walk. He

1:24

then comes on the walk with

1:26

my family on Christmas Day. He

1:28

came on our Christmas Day walk.

1:30

Your one night stand? My

1:32

one night stand, who I never saw again. On

1:35

Christmas Day last year, and I had Eddie and she

1:37

was a puppy and we were on the heath, we

1:39

were on Hampstead Heath, which is a big park near

1:41

my house. And I had

1:44

this man and we kept bumping into other family

1:46

friends. And this man was like holding the dog

1:48

as though like it was our shared puppy. And

1:52

I kept turning to Georgia like, why the

1:54

fuck have you done this? You've

1:58

ruined Christmas for me. I've

2:00

addressed the whole time whenever I go to meet

2:02

a parent's family for the first time because

2:05

I'm worried I'm going to need a poo. And

2:07

I've just read so many stories

2:09

that are specifically about the first

2:11

time someone meets a family

2:13

of their partner doing a massive poo that

2:16

breaks the toilet. And I told one

2:18

of those stories when I was on the Sarah Silverman episode of

2:20

the woman whose ship was too big and she had to throw

2:22

it out the window, but then there was double glazing and so

2:24

it got trapped in the double glazing and then she went in

2:26

to try and rescue it from the double glazing. I can see

2:28

that I'm giving you the ick right now. No, no, no, I

2:30

just have loads of hats for how to avoid this.

2:34

Do you bring a knife into the toilet? What is

2:36

your hat? You have to just get

2:38

the water really, really hot and just get really, really

2:40

hot water in and you just break the poo out

2:42

with really hot water. Oh my God. Oh no, I'm

2:44

so sorry everyone. No, that's the truth. That is true,

2:47

I'm sure. Yes, it is true. But that's my fear.

2:49

I'm just like that. Like

2:51

there was a girl who threw her

2:53

poo out the window and accidentally she

2:55

didn't realise they were eating in a

2:57

conservatory. And so when

3:00

she came downstairs they were ready to eat but they were

3:02

all just looking up at like what kind of a bird

3:04

could have done this massive shit. And so those

3:06

are the sort of like terrors that I have.

3:08

But that aside, what is the worst thing that you

3:10

or a date has ever done around families, around

3:13

each other's families? My mum walks in

3:15

on me having sex. Oh

3:17

my God. No. What

3:20

happened? So

3:22

I was in my family home

3:24

and she just, she walked in and

3:26

she said, oh, I'm so sorry darling. And

3:29

then I told him to jump out the window and die.

3:32

Have you

3:34

ever talked about what happened with once with my dad

3:36

and the nude? No. Oh

3:38

my God, this is the worst story you've ever heard in

3:40

your life. Oh my God, I do know this story. Tell

3:42

everyone this story. I remember now. It's the worst story ever.

3:45

Because I actually blocked it out of my brain. Go on. My

3:47

dad has completely blocked out of his brain. Like when I try

3:49

and bring it up, he's like, nope, I do not remember that.

3:52

So I just got on with my

3:54

ex-boyfriend and we were on holiday and

3:56

not my ex-boyfriend wasn't there. I

3:58

was on a holiday with my family. I'd taken a

4:01

nude upstairs in my bathroom of me in

4:03

the bath. I won't say

4:05

doing what. And then I came downstairs and took

4:07

a picture of my dad with my dog, with

4:09

my dad's dog, and then he said, can I

4:11

see that picture of him and the dog? So

4:15

I went to open up my photos app, and

4:18

then what came up in full screen when

4:20

I was sitting side by side with

4:23

my dad's phone facing his face, ready

4:25

to view, was a

4:27

picture of me fingering myself in the

4:29

bath. You

4:36

didn't tell me that detail. I thought

4:38

it was just a nude. No, Tamila, it was not

4:41

a part. Not an action shot.

4:43

Jesus Christ. Yeah. I

4:46

don't know how you've ever seen him again.

4:48

I would change my name and disown my

4:50

family. No, when

4:52

I remember it, I really want to like... Yeah,

4:54

I just like my... Not exist. My

4:57

body temperature just went up. I've got a bit

4:59

of a mental story that's just sort of so

5:01

insane that people have to hear it. I don't

5:03

think I've told it on this podcast before. But

5:07

I had a boyfriend

5:09

who, when I

5:11

was much younger, who was really

5:13

very strange. He

5:15

wasn't very well, emotionally, and decided to come and

5:18

stay with me for a while because he thought

5:20

he'd be safer that way. And

5:22

I went out to work, and one day I came

5:24

back, and he had

5:26

ransacked my room, and

5:29

was reading all of my journals, and

5:32

had like a highlighter in his

5:34

hand from where

5:36

he was highlighting parts he wanted

5:38

to discuss with me later about

5:40

my private thoughts and

5:42

feelings. And he'd been annotating

5:45

them with rebuttals and shit

5:47

like that. Was it

5:49

stuff about him, or was it just like really...

5:51

Of course it was stuff about him, or old

5:53

boyfriends, or like fucking... No,

5:55

what was it? No, it was stuff about him,

5:57

it was stuff about work, it was stuff about...

6:00

friends, it was stuff about ex-relationships,

6:02

it was stuff about my own

6:04

personal feelings about myself. I never

6:08

wrote in a journal ever again. And

6:10

even now, we were told it's a

6:12

good daily self-practicing, I can't do it

6:14

because I can't believe that that happened.

6:17

And the nerve to be making

6:19

notes, to not even cover up

6:21

the adoring in it, to be

6:23

annotating it. And to have

6:25

that kind of level of outrage, he

6:27

got dumped within 15 minutes of that and

6:30

I saw him again. I mean, I

6:32

will say that's why I've never written a journal. Right.

6:35

It's terrifying. I don't want

6:37

anybody to know that. I'll just keep

6:39

the thoughts in my head and I'll

6:41

write them down mentally. Yeah, you just make

6:44

a podcast and yell everyone and get paid.

6:50

Well, look, Grace, you have your own dating

6:52

podcast that is out now. Can you tell

6:55

us what it is? It's called 28 Dates

6:57

Later. It's called 28 Dates Later with me.

6:59

And I went on 28 birth dates with

7:02

strangers and recorded them all. Very

7:05

low key, like we're just wearing radio mics and

7:07

like peps and bars and stuff. And then I

7:09

talk about the dates with some of my friends.

7:11

And I would say it made

7:14

me never want to date again. But as

7:17

a sort of social experiment experience, it was really interesting.

7:19

And I think it will be really interesting as a

7:21

listener and then you can listen to someone

7:23

else's date and think, wow, I'm

7:25

so lucky that I wasn't on that date. And

7:28

what do you think you learned about yourself making that

7:30

podcast? I learned

7:33

that I

7:35

find a lot of men really

7:38

boring. Well,

7:45

no one's going to get bored listening to these

7:47

episodes. They're so funny. You're so good. And thank

7:49

you so much for joining me today. Thank you.

8:00

working out. I've been told I make very distressing faces

8:02

about me when I'm exercising, especially at the beginning because

8:04

I really don't want to be there but then by

8:06

the end I feel amazing. I also

8:08

am quite an intolerant person, I like to pick

8:10

the music, I don't know if I'm

8:12

always going to enjoy the instructor and so for

8:14

me having something that is so catered to my

8:17

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off the bike and you can pivot to doing

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a barre class or a strength and yoga

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amazon.com/Blink Wondery.

9:35

Welcome back and now more of bringing

9:37

your date home for the holidays with

9:39

Laura Keitlinger, Brad Williams and Caroline Benewitsch.

9:45

I wonder because this is becoming a moment where

9:47

I'm hearing everyone, I don't know if you're hearing

9:49

about this as well especially in New York but

9:52

cuffing season, especially in places that get colder, everyone's

9:54

talking about the fact that they need someone really

9:56

anyone for the holidays. I know

9:58

a lot of, I have friends who who deliberately don't

10:00

get into relationships during the holidays, because

10:02

they don't want to have to buy

10:04

gifts, so they wait until after Valentine's

10:06

Day to start being on the market

10:08

again. I think that makes sense. I

10:10

don't really get cuffing season, I'm lonely

10:12

all year round. You know what I

10:14

mean? And that is such an expensive

10:16

time, and dating someone's expensive. Yeah,

10:19

once you get in right before

10:21

Thanksgiving, then you

10:23

can't really break up with

10:25

someone until after Valentine's Day,

10:28

and at least about a month after Valentine's Day. Oh,

10:30

but I broke up with someone right before Christmas.

10:33

I want to hear you. No, like right before

10:36

Christmas, like a week of. How's that going? It

10:39

was a long time coming, so the timing couldn't

10:42

wait. But it

10:45

had to be done, but it was bad, it was very

10:47

bad. And did they throw that back

10:49

in your face about Christmas? There was

10:51

blame, but it wasn't

10:53

the Christmas. There were

10:55

so many other issues that

10:57

I just overlooked that it was the week of Christmas.

10:59

Sounds like the holidays didn't even crack

11:02

the top five. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:05

There were a lot of issues. Yeah, a lot

11:07

of issues. Knowing that this was

11:09

coming for a long time, had you

11:11

already known to not buy him a gift? Yeah,

11:14

and this was also one of those

11:16

relationships where I had

11:19

bought in for a previous

11:21

occasion, like a birthday, something that was happening in

11:23

the new year. To be at

11:25

tickets to something in the new year. And

11:28

you have to transfer them the tickets and be

11:30

like, yeah, do whatever you want with them. Yeah,

11:34

like it couldn't even wait for that event. You know

11:36

what I mean? It had to be. Yeah. Did

11:39

the transfer include a link to download Tinder

11:41

or something like that? Like, hey, you can

11:43

find somebody else. Like a referral code? Yeah,

11:46

yeah, yeah. A referral code? No,

11:48

no, no, I'm sure they're doing perfectly

11:51

fine. But yeah, I did miss out

11:53

on like great seats to an NBA

11:55

game. But it couldn't wait. Oh, wait,

11:57

fuck. It couldn't wait. Wow, wow. bad.

12:01

You've been taken out of the villain pool now. That's

12:04

a huge sacrifice. It's a

12:06

huge sacrifice. Okay, so other than that... You

12:09

know, we were talking about the holidays, you

12:11

know, bring some home. When I brought Garrett,

12:13

my husband now, when I brought

12:16

him home to my mom's house, he

12:18

was just, you know, working on his laptop. And

12:20

I came in holding two guns because my mom

12:23

lives in North Carolina. She has guns all over

12:25

her house. And I was just really afraid. I

12:27

was like holding them like

12:29

they were, I don't know,

12:31

you know, little... Shit-covered racks. I would just, yeah,

12:33

I was just afraid that they were going to

12:36

go off. I never held a gun. And so

12:38

he had to go outside and discharge the guns.

12:40

So that was Christmas Eve one year. What?

12:44

Oh my God. Did he think that you were bringing in the

12:46

guns to be like, okay, this is how we decide if you

12:49

can stay or not? Yeah,

12:51

that would have been good. But

12:53

no, he was just like, my

12:55

God, my mom has guns everywhere.

12:57

But my mom was also, she

12:59

was married to, my stepdad

13:01

was a sheriff. So he left when he

13:03

died, he had guns all, you know, and

13:05

through the house. Oh,

13:08

that's a great thing for a

13:10

new boyfriend to experience. Oh, here,

13:13

my stepdad, the sheriff, there's guns all over

13:16

the house. We know how to hide bodies.

13:18

Good luck with dinner. Yeah.

13:20

I mean, luckily he was already had

13:22

passed by that point. So luckily, you

13:24

know, he knew he already murdered a

13:27

bunch of people. Yeah. We

13:31

were talking about everyone's attitude towards holiday dating.

13:33

Were you someone who wanted it? Sounds like

13:36

you're someone who wanted to be cuffed up,

13:38

right? You wanted to be. See,

13:40

I don't even know what that means. Cuffed up. I

13:42

mean, cuffing is a fucking strange, like

13:45

sentence because you're much younger

13:47

than me. Caroline, can you tell me

13:49

what why they call it cuffing? Like

13:51

wanting to get together with someone at

13:54

the end? Is it possibly be hand

13:56

cuff? No, I think it is not.

13:58

No, more like, oh, you're saying behind

14:00

that. That's so stressful. I think

14:02

it's like handcuffed, like you're cuffed

14:04

up. Like almost... You

14:07

and me are bound to each other during the

14:09

holiday season. Whether we like each other or not,

14:11

we just need someone. We need a warm body.

14:14

Yeah, exactly. It's for survival.

14:16

Okay, well anyone listening to this, if you

14:18

have more insight, please message me because I'm dying

14:20

to know and it makes me sound very out

14:22

of touch. It's a really bad term, I

14:24

think. It's just, you know,

14:26

to have something really restrictive like

14:29

that, it kind of takes the fun out of it.

14:31

You know, like the idea of being with someone.

14:34

What would you rename it? I

14:36

don't know. What would you rename it?

14:38

I would say blanketed. Because

14:42

it's like during the holidays and

14:44

oftentimes it's like cooler and you want to be

14:47

under a blanket with someone. So are you blanketing

14:50

with anybody right now? It's like a

14:52

human heated weighted blanket. I

14:54

was thinking like a sentimental

14:56

soulmate just for... Oh

14:58

bless you, bless you

15:00

Laura. You are the

15:02

purity that this podcast has been waiting

15:05

for. Laura, you just titled a new

15:07

Hallmark movie. Sentimental Soulmates coming to the

15:09

Hallmark Channel. Bad

15:13

Dates is produced by Smartless Media

15:15

and Wondery. Executive producers are Robert

15:17

Cohen and Jamila Jamil. That's me.

15:19

We will see you next time for more... Hello

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