0:00

I have had sex in a group

0:02

setting only once at

0:05

a party that used to be called Kinky

0:07

Salon in San Francisco that was like one

0:09

half rave, one half like a swinger party.

0:13

Have you anyone here ever? I feel like you're the most

0:15

fun sober person that ever existed. No,

0:18

I already knew the answer, Joelle. It just felt like

0:20

a hard no, but I figured out

0:22

a respect I would ask. Rachel, you know you've

0:24

been to the sex party right? I spent my

0:26

days and nights there. I'm in the winter of

0:28

my life, but I spent many a day and

0:30

night at Kinky Salon getting slam rotted. That's for sure.

0:34

Rachel Feinstein, Moj Kasha and

0:36

Joelle Nicole Johnson. Welcome

0:49

to Bad Dates. Hello. Hey

0:52

boo. Hi. Oh,

0:54

I was going to say hey boo. There

0:57

you go, baby. Just did it. That

0:59

felt so good. It felt so natural and

1:01

real. It

1:04

looked good coming out of your mouth. Thank

1:06

you so much. How is everyone? Mojo, how

1:09

are you doing? How's everything? How's

1:11

your wonderful wife who I'm in love with? I'm great.

1:13

I'm in love with her as well. I'll

1:15

fight you. You can. That

1:17

sounds hot to me. Are you,

1:19

is that an electric fireplace behind you?

1:22

It is. I'm going to turn it

1:24

on. So it's just been sitting here unused for eight months.

1:26

It could be fake. It could well be fake. I

1:28

just bought an electric fireplace on offer up and

1:30

I beat the poor guy up so bad. I

1:32

felt so bad. I was like negotiating with him

1:35

so hard because I get like a special thrill

1:37

out of negotiating and getting really good deals on

1:39

Craigslist and OfferUp. But I felt so bad and

1:41

Natasha was talking so much shit that I emailed

1:43

the guy and I was like, hey, can I

1:46

get your Venmo? I'm going to send you $25.

1:49

How much did you get off? I

1:51

mean, it was insane. It was a thousand

1:53

dollar electric fireplace. And then we had a

1:55

deal for, uh, for 400, but

1:58

then he had, he had made a grave mistake. mistake,

2:00

Trojal. He had lowered the price

2:03

for others as I started negotiating with him,

2:05

so I knew I had him. I knew

2:07

I could get that thing for two and

2:09

a half bucks. He had him right by

2:11

the ball sack, didn't he? Oh, yeah. This

2:13

is why people hate celebrities. Yeah, that's the

2:16

kind of shit people think that we do.

2:19

Yes. When

2:21

it comes to romance, what are

2:23

you like? Do you haggle there or

2:26

are you a generous, loving,

2:28

dated? Do you enjoy dating? I feel

2:30

like you've had a ladies man vibe for

2:32

a while. Well, I've been married for 10

2:34

years, so dating these days means something

2:37

very different than it used to. But I would

2:39

say that when I was in my ho phase,

2:41

I would be unbelievably

2:43

generous. I would say I

2:45

was overly generous. I

2:47

would say I hit rock bottom on sexual

2:49

compulsivity. Right, right, right,

2:52

right. But a giver, not a

2:54

taker. Well, yeah, I guess

2:56

so. Yeah,

2:59

Moshe had a wild teen years.

3:02

You got it all that fucking way. My ho

3:04

phase. So from 15 to 16 and a half,

3:06

I went crazy, you guys. And

3:11

Joelle, what would you say you felt about

3:13

dating? What do you feel about dating? Do

3:15

you love it? Do you feel like you

3:17

are a good person to date? I

3:20

don't think I'm a good person to date

3:22

just because of my occupation. I'm a comedian

3:24

and men don't like it if you roast

3:27

them to their faces. So, you

3:29

know, if a dude's on a date and he

3:31

tripped, they always want to make us laugh. And if

3:33

a dude, if you ain't funny, I'm not going to

3:35

laugh. And then like, what? I thought you

3:37

were a comedian. I'm like, I am a comedian. That's

3:40

why I'm the comedian. And

3:43

right, too. What about you? Yeah, I

3:45

can't say that I enjoyed it. I

3:48

also zoomed past every red flag and

3:50

mostly dated active alcoholics like throbbing, active,

3:53

like the kind of alcohol that just starts glaring,

3:55

sort of swaying and glaring at somebody at the

3:57

bar at a certain point during the evening. one

4:00

guy that's just like around 3 a.m. would just sort

4:02

of start glaring and I'm like and it would always

4:04

be like some person like like some woman like some

4:06

widow or something I'm like what's your beef with Virginia

4:08

at this Port Authority bar. Not

4:13

the Port Authority bar, that is an

4:15

alcoholic. I'm not name-dropping but I come

4:17

from money. All right generational wealth clearly.

4:25

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4:27

always on the go. I

4:29

love trains, planes, trains, automobiles and it means that

4:31

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4:34

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4:36

takes information in better when I'm

4:38

moving. So for example I like to walk

4:40

all the time for my mental health and

4:42

I find that that's a perfect time for

4:44

me to listen to something that I really

4:46

need to pay attention to. So for example

4:48

on Audible I've been listening to Sapiens which

4:50

the first time I tried to consume that

4:52

information I found it very dense, very hard.

4:55

This time suddenly I'm able to really

4:57

understand it because for some reason my

4:59

brain is just able to take that

5:01

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5:03

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5:05

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6:59

It's very linked, and as the

7:01

years have gone on, I would say that the sexual

7:04

exhibitionism has gotten a little bit less. But I mean,

7:06

I used to, the first year I went to Burning

7:08

Man, I was 16, because I heard there was a

7:11

rave in the desert and that was kind of enough

7:13

to get me to pack up a Ford Escort and

7:15

drive seven hours in the middle of the night. The

7:17

first year I went there, I was

7:19

16, and I remember I made love to a woman

7:21

in the open desert while people were

7:23

driving past us at like 75 miles an hour. We

7:26

were like rolling kind of military style

7:28

as vehicles would come by and nearly got

7:30

run over. It was some

7:33

of the most exciting, some of the

7:35

funnest sex I would say ever. You didn't make

7:37

love. That's just fucking... What was I supposed to

7:39

say, Joelle? Yeah, make love and serious. Okay, so

7:41

I'm knee deep in desert dust just fucking smashing

7:43

this. There you go. That's what

7:45

I'm talking about. I was trying to be classy. It's

7:48

called slamming through pus. You slam through

7:50

some pus. Joelle, you had a question?

7:53

Yeah, where did your mama think you was going when

7:55

you were 16 and you left the house to go

7:57

to a sex party in the desert? desert

8:00

would you tell your mother I

8:02

gotta be honest with you Joelle if you

8:04

thought you couldn't relate to me earlier you're

8:06

really gonna not relate to me now I

8:08

could have told and maybe did tell my

8:10

mom hey mom I'm gonna be going to

8:12

a sex party in the desert and my

8:14

mom will be like make sure you bring

8:17

condoms that's my boy ruffling my hair I

8:19

mean my mom could not have been my

8:21

mom was sex positive to the degree that

8:23

it was a little much yeah yeah like

8:25

when she found

8:29

when I first when she found porn in

8:31

my room when I was young she

8:33

took me to the feminist

8:35

vibrator shop to buy me some text-based

8:37

lesbian erotica because she wanted to make

8:40

sure that I was like I was

8:42

if I was gonna be looking at

8:44

porn would have like some positive imagery

8:46

and some expository prose poetry before we

8:48

really got to the good stuff so

8:50

that's kind of my mom's energy she

8:52

didn't care but that's

8:54

a lot so

8:57

I so so Burning Man

9:00

is is an iteration of

9:03

just the wildness of the Bay Area for

9:05

sure oh group sex I got off track

9:07

once I once did

9:09

have sex at a at the party

9:12

called Kinky salon and it was I

9:15

would say more awkward than it was excited I

9:17

felt like I was in my in my parents like

9:19

a key party like there was nothing

9:21

about it that felt like hot just

9:23

to have like a random rave raver

9:25

that you could smell right next to

9:28

you as you just like pounding away

9:30

trying to make eye contact it wasn't

9:32

my it wasn't exactly my thing although

9:34

at Burning Man one year I

9:36

was sitting at a party called jub jub jub

9:38

was the name of the of the camp sitting

9:41

between two really beautiful women and

9:44

they the attitude is so permissive at Burning

9:46

Man you kind of feel like anything could

9:48

happen at any time and anything kind of

9:50

could and all of a sudden these two

9:52

women they leaned over me and they started

9:55

making out and I was like

9:57

oh okay this sounds this is good and

9:59

then they Literally, they kind of

10:01

fell on top of each other into

10:03

a kind of a... They just started

10:05

just full on 69 on

10:07

my lap, just fucking each

10:09

other. And I was like,

10:12

oh great, lucky seat. And

10:14

my hands were moving

10:17

to touch them, because I was like, I

10:19

just assumed in my default position as a

10:21

man, like, oh, this is about me. And

10:24

I'm going to jump in. The

10:27

buffet has arrived and I'm going to dine. And

10:29

my hands were moving to touch them when I had

10:32

this thought. I'm glad I had the thought. I

10:35

go, I don't know what it was that I

10:37

smelled, but I was like, no, I

10:39

don't mean smelled literally. I mean, like, psychically.

10:41

I was like, I don't think this is

10:44

about me. Well,

10:46

because your mother took you to read

10:48

lesbian erotic on the back one. And

10:50

all of that went in she was

10:52

a cottice. And just as you were

10:55

about to touch, that was your mother's

10:57

hand that theoretically whipped your

10:59

hand away and was like, no, no. And

11:02

then and then going in and fifth with

11:04

both girls. No, I it was a thought.

11:06

I just all of a sudden realized like,

11:08

oh, they're not here for me. They

11:10

don't. This was an invitation. This

11:13

was I'm furniture. I'm just I need

11:15

to just sit still and thank God

11:17

that I had this seat and just

11:19

observe what I observe. This isn't about

11:21

me. And they did. And I was right.

11:24

They did their thing. They walked off. But

11:27

that was an exciting night. But I always want to observe like

11:29

this, just kind of lean in. Everyone

11:32

likes that. It just takes the air. He got this.

11:34

This is great, ladies. Never handle

11:37

any of these situations. I am so shy

11:39

about other people's sex that I can't watch

11:41

sex scenes and films. I have to fast

11:44

forward them. Even like not

11:46

just like it's particularly bad if I'm in

11:48

like a cinema. So I

11:50

don't go to the cinema if I know there's going to be sexy

11:52

scenes because I don't know what to do with my face. I just

11:54

don't know what my face is going to do. And

11:56

I don't want to find out via someone if someone

11:58

looks over at me. I don't know what I'm going to look

12:00

like. I don't know if I'm going to look feral or something. And

12:08

so I've created a face that I

12:11

make, that I plan in advance when

12:13

a sex scene begins, which is a

12:15

sort of pleasant half smile. It's

12:18

sort of like you've been earlier.

12:21

It's definitely creepier. It's sort of

12:23

just like a, huh. This is

12:25

pleasant. You do a thumbs up. And I'm happy

12:27

with it. It's like a big flap of the face that I do. I

12:31

can't even watch sex scenes on my own. I have to

12:33

fast forward because I feel so shy. I

12:35

am amazed when people can do public sex. I

12:37

think it's incredible. Yeah, I know. I couldn't do

12:39

it. There's too much going on. Also, I'm probably

12:41

just not that good in bed that I can deal with

12:43

a lot of variables. No

12:45

one's ever been able to look at me in the eyes and say

12:47

that I'm the best they've ever had. No one's been able to tell

12:49

me that lie and make eye contact at the same time. Rachel,

12:52

you can't say that. I don't have

12:54

an idea. Let's ask you. In terms

12:56

of podcasts, co-guests, Rachel, I got

12:59

to tell you, in terms of

13:01

podcasts, co-guests, you're the best I've

13:03

ever had. I can tell you that with a straight

13:05

face. I mean it. Very rude. Very

13:08

rude, Moshe. While I'm right here. Oh, well, I'm

13:10

trying to blip her up, Joelle. No, I wasn't

13:12

trying to. Stop freaking me down. See how you

13:14

do. All right. Remember, everyone falls out. Nice,

13:17

sir. Keep telling me about fucking

13:19

everyone in the desert. Yes, this

13:21

is an opener story, by the way. Right, right,

13:23

right. Okay, so there's

13:27

a lot of sex that's been had at Burning Man over the

13:29

years, by me and by many others. But

13:31

the complicated part of Burning Man's sex is

13:33

quite obvious when you think of it, which

13:35

is hygiene. It's dirty out there. People are

13:37

dirty. They're not showering very much. There's dust

13:39

everywhere. And this

13:41

is a story about hygiene and sex at Burning Man.

13:45

One year, I think this was 2001, I

13:47

actually remember, because I ended up the subject

13:49

of the story that I was on the

13:51

date with and still is a very dear

13:53

friend. I'm still in touch with

13:55

her, so I remember when I met her. But that year,

13:57

we had a romance, and it was a very sweet time.

14:00

actually kind of like real romance.

14:02

Like we were kind

14:04

of falling for each other and when we

14:07

first finally made out, I think it was

14:09

Saturday night of the burn, we were holding

14:13

hands the whole night. Important information. We were

14:15

holding hands all night. It was a sweet

14:17

little romance at Burning Man holding hands. And

14:19

we were walking from camp to camp and

14:21

dancing and have a wonderful time and it

14:23

was about time for everything to wrap up.

14:25

So it was like a date. It was

14:27

like a date at the weirdest party on

14:30

earth, holding hands, time

14:32

to go back to my tent and actually

14:34

consummate and actually be intimate

14:36

for real for the first time. Holding hands

14:38

and we walked from one side of the

14:40

event all the way across the playa to

14:42

the other side which is probably a 40

14:45

minute walk. So we've been holding hands quite

14:47

a while. And we finally get to

14:49

the, we're near my camp

14:51

and we get to the, I see that

14:53

there's the last porta potty line before we

14:55

will get to my camp and I gotta

14:58

go. So I

15:00

say hold on a moment, my loving

15:03

Burning Man, my little hippie bride, you

15:05

wait here. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna

15:07

just bop into this porta potty. Do you need to go or

15:09

did you need to go? I needed,

15:11

I think based on the story, I must

15:13

have needed to go because well

15:16

you'll see. It involves me, I went

15:18

into the porta potty and it was dark. I

15:20

didn't have a flashlight on and I thought before

15:22

I sit down, I assumed I had to go

15:24

because I was gonna sit down. Before you sit

15:26

down in a porta potty? Oh my gosh, I

15:28

didn't pass that. Well

15:31

listen, I had a, Joelle, I

15:33

had a strategy which I have

15:36

since abandoned. I said I

15:38

will grab a bunch of toilet paper from

15:40

the, from the roll and I will

15:42

just do a quick swipe, just

15:44

a quick little swipe across the

15:46

toilet bowl, just a swipe, a quick little swipe,

15:49

just a little swipe. It's actually people like

15:51

you. It's actually a quick AIDS pass. Yeah.

15:54

Actually Joelle, it's because of

15:56

people like you. attitude

16:00

that you just brought to my activity is

16:02

the reason I have this story in the

16:04

first place with your questioning why a person

16:06

would sit down in the first place. You're

16:09

actually the villain in this story. I will be the

16:11

villain. Call me Earthful of it. Because

16:14

as I did my quick aid swipe,

16:16

as Rachel said, I do my quick

16:18

little swipe of the P across. I

16:21

just credit card swiped my hand

16:23

through a pile of ice cold

16:25

human shit. And

16:28

now I've got a dilemma. There is

16:30

a woman five

16:32

feet away from me who I've been holding hands with

16:35

for the last 45

16:37

minutes, aka all night, and I

16:39

have got a full like

16:41

shit mitt, emanating

16:44

from my hand. I can feel the coldness of it. The

16:46

smell, by the way, at this point doesn't even bother me.

16:49

It's very visceral. Yes, Rachel, you look like you

16:51

have a question. No, no, no. I'm

16:54

here. I'm present. I mean,

16:58

I was panicking. I'm like, I don't I

17:00

truly what does one do? I didn't know

17:02

what to do on my daughter's home. Perfect

17:04

timing. And

17:06

and I so I didn't know what

17:09

to do. I I'm screaming to I'm screaming to OK.

17:12

I hi. I love you. I'm

17:14

telling a very important story about before you. I met you.

17:17

She's my daughter. I'm getting daddy. Daddy, I'm

17:20

down here. I'm down here. That's a collection

17:22

of words. Hold on. Before

17:24

I met you. Hi, hi, my love.

17:26

I'll talk to you later. All right. I'm

17:29

going to turn the volume down on this story a little

17:31

bit, but I'm panicking. I'm like, what do I do? What

17:33

do I do with the ship? What would you guys have

17:35

done? What would you have done? I

17:37

wouldn't have been in the toilet. Well,

17:41

you are, though. You did. You

17:43

made this mistake. And this I think really to

17:46

kill yourself is the only I think how all I

17:48

have is toilet paper.

17:51

Dive in and drown myself. Yeah. Yeah.

17:54

Yeah. What's next?

17:56

What's next after that? Like, what's the next

17:58

moment of your dumb life? after that.

18:00

You know what I mean? It's not even botherable. Like

18:02

it's a wrap. By

18:07

the way, Rachel, there's a fantastic home goods at Burning Man.

18:09

I'm so surprised you brought that up. I mean, one of

18:11

the best home goods I've been to. I

18:13

go every year for the home. You

18:16

get the deals. I didn't know

18:19

what to do. I did what I

18:24

could, but I was like, also like, I wasn't going

18:26

to let this opportunity pass me by. So

18:28

I just wiped my hand

18:30

up as much as I could. You know,

18:33

I'll tell you, physiologically, interestingly enough, I no

18:35

longer had to go. That urge was

18:37

gone. Somehow my colon

18:39

had just decided we were going to do something

18:42

else that evening. Is it possible to play some

18:44

soft piano music? Oh,

18:46

I will. The violent

18:48

gentle violin. That's what's missing. Because

18:51

I'm a real romantic and this is like my mama taught

18:54

me. There's two filthy for one's own shit to

18:56

go. One's own shit went. No, I'm not

18:58

going there. That's how disgusting this was. What

19:03

I did was I wiped my hand off as

19:05

well as I could. I walked outside. I kind

19:07

of muttered something to my day for the evening,

19:09

like my tent's this way. And I was walking

19:11

like 30 paces. I had she must have been

19:14

so confused. Because you've been holding hands and walking

19:16

at her pace until now. And now you come

19:18

out mad at her. You're right. You're probably like

19:20

processing this with a therapist right now. And then

19:22

just like that, he disconnected emotionally. He

19:25

went into the bathroom and he walked out of each different man. And

19:29

I went back to my tent.

19:31

I unzipped it. I said, you go in there. I

19:34

washed my hands like 50 times as much as I

19:36

could. And you know, we made love with my hand.

19:39

And you know, it wasn't good, Joel. You wouldn't

19:41

have been satisfied. How about that? No, I know.

19:43

I know. You

19:45

ain't putting your fingers nowhere near. No,

19:48

I didn't. I didn't use that head. I

19:54

gave her the dignity and respect of making

19:56

love to her with my hand waving outside

19:58

of the tent. Which

20:01

would have looked so amazing to

20:03

anyone walking past just thinking he's

20:06

trying to like hail a cab

20:08

or wave down for help. Just this

20:10

little shit covered hair just waving outside of

20:12

his tent. They would have walked by and been like

20:14

what the hell is going on there and then taken one big sniff

20:17

and be like oh I think I know what happened. He made

20:19

the mistake of going into the porta potty and trying to do

20:21

the credit card swipe. You don't do that. Don't do the credit

20:23

card swipe. Mmm. Still with the

20:25

making love. Deeply ranted. You

20:27

deep deep bad pig. You're a bad

20:30

little piglet. Yeah I did

20:32

feel like a little piglet that evening.

20:34

Literally rolling in shit. Quite literally. I'm

20:36

so impressed that you carried on and

20:38

shagged honestly through all of that. It is.

20:40

The trauma would have ended me. I would

20:42

never have left that porta potty. I would

20:44

have stayed until the very end of Burning

20:46

Man and I would have lived out the

20:48

rest of my days there. I

20:51

would have bought the porta potty and

20:54

it would have been my land and I would have

20:56

lifted it up forever. Yeah. Some

20:58

union guy would have walked in on Tuesday after

21:00

the event, opened up the porta potty and seen

21:03

you crying with a crusty shit hand and been

21:05

like I think I know what happened. Come with

21:07

me to the Port Authority bar. You're going to

21:09

be okay. Just softly face-trig you and come along.

21:12

You try to do it back. He's

21:14

like no no no honey. No thank you.

21:17

No thank you. Did she ever find

21:19

out what happened? I think

21:21

it took me, because I told

21:23

you we've been friends now for 20 years. I

21:26

think it took me a solid decade

21:28

to explain to her what happened that

21:31

evening. There

21:33

are so many visuals

21:35

to unpack there but thank you

21:37

for really sparing us no

21:40

graphic details. Thank you for

21:42

weaving together each strand of that. That's

21:45

going to tuck me in tonight. I'm

21:47

really mad that I keep scheduling these fucking

21:49

records for lunch time. I regret it every

21:51

single time. I've got to start eating before

21:54

I record. I ate nothing brown. This show

21:56

is killing me. Okay we'll be right back.

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it! I

23:23

like Peloton because I enjoy privacy when I'm working out.

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I've been told I make very distressing faces apparently when

23:27

I'm exercising, especially at the beginning because I really don't

23:29

want to be there, but then by the end I

23:31

feel amazing. I also am quite

23:33

an intolerant person and I like to pick the music.

23:36

I don't know if I'm always going to

23:38

enjoy the instructor and so for me, having

23:40

something that is so catered to my own

23:42

personal taste is so ideal. You get to

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choose your instructors, choose your music, choose the

23:46

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can also do high intensity rides, low impact

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rides. You can get off the bike and you

23:54

can pivot to doing a bar class or a strength and

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they just take the work out of working

24:14

out. For Peloton's best offer of the season,

24:16

head to onepeloton.com/offers. All access

24:18

membership separate. Terms apply. And

24:26

we're back. Rachel just purely because I need

24:28

to stop thinking about my story. Reset

24:31

and say where we're going. I can tell

24:33

it again with like a little more detail

24:35

or whatever. That would be in my nightmares.

24:38

Rachel, will you tell me

24:40

the stories of I'm dying

24:43

alone? What

24:46

I did go on a date with a guy once that

24:49

and he sort of like lifted my chin up and

24:51

started narrating the date like while we were on it.

24:53

Like so mid date, he just started being like,

24:56

tonight I met a very special girl.

24:59

She made me laugh. She made me

25:01

think. And then he kind of stopped.

25:03

He gave me a little space to be like,

25:06

oh, I'm sick of guessing. I want

25:08

to know who the girl in the

25:10

riddle is. My chits are confused. And

25:12

then he kind of lifted my chin up and

25:15

I felt like a sex in the city like

25:17

voiceover. Yes. Oh my God. That's the perfect way

25:19

to describe it. Yes. He was writing a novel.

25:21

He was fancying himself typing on his typewriter throughout

25:23

the evening. He was just kind of letting me

25:25

in on the twists and turns, you know, and

25:28

then his actual occupation. Oh

25:31

God, I think this was the guy that

25:34

was like he's got a

25:36

divorce. I think he was.

25:38

I think he was like

25:41

a magician. That's funny. He

25:43

was a juggler, a freshly

25:45

divorced juggler. Actually, somebody put that on

25:47

my Wikipedia recently, an ex-boyfriend. I'm

25:50

not to get too off track, but I'm

25:52

convinced it was an ex-boyfriend. They changed on

25:54

my Wikipedia page, my like story

25:56

so that it says I used to be a juggler and

25:59

then I moved. to New York City to juggle and now

26:01

whenever I do like morning press on the road everybody

26:03

always asks me to juggle and I look like

26:06

I'm like some you know ashamed of my

26:08

juggling past and then some poor girl

26:10

like some intern has to go out and get oranges and

26:12

then when I won't juggle they're like come

26:14

on we're one last hurrah. I love

26:17

the idea of a shy juggler like oh no

26:19

no I couldn't for me I juggle for me.

26:21

Can you think of anything dumber than moving to

26:24

New York to like get in with the

26:26

gritty downtown juggling scene? You just

26:28

offended someone. I know I just

26:30

realized that I'm like I might

26:32

get a DM. So it makes me

26:35

feel any better. A boy who bullied

26:37

me at school when I was six

26:39

until the age of nine continues

26:41

and I haven't seen him since I

26:43

was nine continues to

26:46

change my Wikipedia like

26:48

every day. You too. To make me sound

26:50

crazy. Yeah that's an understatement of the century.

26:52

What did he put? What kind of stuff

26:55

did he put? All kinds of crazy fucking

26:57

stories just to make me sound as mental

26:59

as possible so no one knows like if

27:01

you read my Wikipedia I mean it just

27:03

day to day it could be anything but

27:06

it's fully that I'm insane and I

27:08

am treacherous malevolent liar. He's very

27:11

upset with something I did when I was six. I

27:14

gotta be honest like I'm team

27:16

you because you're my friend but

27:18

there is something I honor deeply

27:20

about a man who has not

27:22

evolved like one bit like elementary

27:25

school. I'm a bully now I'm

27:27

47. I got grandkids now but

27:29

you know what I'm

27:32

still bullying her. I think it's I

27:35

really like I love consistency in a

27:37

man and and so A plus

27:39

for him he's probably listening to this right now

27:41

and he's going to change it again anyway. Back

27:43

to you Rachel. But then I got to the

27:45

date not only did he narrate a lot but

27:47

he was like clearly gay and there's nothing fatter

27:49

than getting a blowout just to be sitting in

27:51

front of a man just prepping your body for

27:54

a guy this worst nightmare would be to be inside of

27:56

you. Rachel,

28:00

tell me more about Dying Alone. So

28:02

I went out with this guy. OK,

28:05

this is kind of sad

28:07

because as female comics, and

28:09

I start all my sentences that

28:11

way. But my therapist said, yeah,

28:13

exactly. There's

28:16

a real supply and demand issue with dating

28:18

us. Like, you know, like Joy always said.

28:20

No, it's not. We're not wanted. No one's

28:22

like, yeah. I mean, these guys get

28:24

just loads of ass, but nobody's like waiting around for

28:26

me after a show unless it's to make a suit

28:28

out of my skin or something. So. Bag.

28:35

He lived with his grandma. He on the

28:38

date. OK, so in the middle

28:40

of the date, like. This is just the movie Prime.

28:46

Are you describing the movie? Yes,

28:49

as a matter of fact, it is. I've

28:52

shoplifted. I've lived in this entire cop shoplifted.

28:55

But yeah, he also like he

28:57

talked a lot. He just even talks like a

28:59

little kid. Like he would be like and he

29:01

would answer questions that no one asked him. He'd

29:04

be like my hero, like probably The Rock. You

29:06

know, I'm like no one. Yeah. Oh,

29:08

he's a narrator. So

29:10

in the middle of the date, which wasn't going

29:13

well. He just he was talking a lot

29:15

about The Rock and. Yes.

29:19

Oh, that's my hero. Things he would say to The Rock if

29:21

he met him. Exactly. Then I

29:24

I am getting violently

29:26

drunk, just like really gulp. He

29:28

said at one point he goes, you drink fast,

29:31

which is what somebody you know, what

29:33

one of the first things you want someone to remark upon

29:35

when you're on a date. So I was just getting

29:37

like shit housed. Then I go to the

29:39

bathroom and decide, oh, I'm

29:41

going to change it to my second number. And

29:43

again, I don't really know why I did that.

29:45

Like I can't answer why I brought the extra

29:48

dress. So unhinged. I know. It's

29:51

so benign. It's actually one of the

29:53

most unhinged things I've heard on this podcast so

29:55

far. Like, yes, you know what I'm talking about.

29:57

And I always I tend to run a little

29:59

corporate. Like I just, I always like dress, when

30:01

I try to dress sexy, it just looks like I'm

30:03

in like a sad office porn, you know? If

30:06

the second dress is more revealing, is

30:09

it like, Yeah, it's a little more fiery. I think this

30:11

is what it has to do with myself, the same I

30:13

think, now that I'm crunching the numbers. Yes, I think that

30:15

was quite clear from the start. Yeah. I

30:18

feel like, yeah, we know this. No, no, no. So

30:22

we get in his car, but neither of us have

30:24

any money. So, and then we find what we thought

30:26

was like a cheap hotel, but inexpensive

30:29

hotel nearby that we drove around for a

30:31

while. We go inside, it turns out it's

30:33

like a prostitute hotel. Like you turn on

30:35

the TV, every station, look at Moshe's knowing

30:38

not, he's like, Oh, one of them. That's

30:42

the way he's so casual. Yes, yes. I

30:44

mean, you know, like Hilton Honors. I'm 15 again. Yeah.

30:47

The Burning Man Hotel. Mom, mom just

30:49

sent me into the hotel. You

30:52

know, like Hilton Honors or the Marriott Rewards,

30:54

I've got one of those punch card systems

30:56

with these prostitutes hotels. I get it. Your

30:59

face was so warm and knowing. You're like, yes,

31:01

yes, my friend. But of course, you probably

31:03

get the exact one. Welcome to my world,

31:05

Rachel. Come

31:07

to the hotel. So

31:10

we get there and we, every single

31:12

channel, and there was channels on this

31:14

TV, every time you turn it, it's

31:16

just another, it's only porn. It's like,

31:18

I am fake, yeah, fake, yeah, I

31:20

am. Yeah.

31:24

So we're laying there. Then he brings

31:26

out a backpack, you guys. He had

31:29

packed an outfit, okay? He

31:31

packed, and his outfit he chose was a New

31:33

York Giants pajama set,

31:36

okay? Big football fan. And

31:38

what says like, I don't want to have

31:41

sex, like I don't want to get laid,

31:43

then button up PJs. He

31:45

like, what does that mean? Can you

31:47

even decode that for me? Are we judging his

31:49

second outfit now? Because I'm, I'm confused about the

31:51

fact that both of you had a spare

31:53

outfit in your backpack that night. What is

31:55

dating like in New York? I don't understand.

31:58

We go in there every, but we're just laying

32:00

there, it's so sad. There's no like sexual

32:02

attention. He's terrified, he's just like really stiff.

32:05

I've laid out the rules of the Christian sleepover,

32:07

you know, I'm like, we can hold, we can, you

32:09

know, so I've given all my parameters, but

32:12

he's just, he doesn't even wanna go that far.

32:14

I'm like, I'm reminding him again, I'm like, tits

32:16

are complimentary, like, you know, like, I was explaining

32:18

to him what's on the menu, I'm like, again,

32:21

hand job's always something that we could go down

32:23

that lane if you wanna explore it, and he

32:25

was just like stiff in his giant PJs, and

32:27

then that porn was just blaring, like, oh yeah, ping,

32:29

ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. I

32:32

checked into a hotel like that in

32:34

Tel Aviv once, and it was on accident, it

32:36

was a group of us, just a bunch of

32:39

backpacker kids, and

32:41

we checked in and we immediately, same thing,

32:44

you get this sense of like, oh,

32:46

this isn't for travelers, this is for

32:48

people that are cheating on their wives.

32:50

The guy was, I came out to

32:52

get a towel, the guy was, I

32:54

am not kidding, watching B-Cality

32:56

porn, in the front office,

32:58

just like, and he didn't stop it,

33:01

when I was like, I'd like a towel,

33:03

and he didn't press stop, or do one of these

33:05

with his, he was just like, yeah, here you go,

33:07

man, here's your towel, and it got back to watching.

33:09

I had that happen to me once in a nail

33:11

salon, I was getting my nails done, and then my

33:13

phone just opened to some dumb porn I was

33:15

watching, it was so humiliating, I was in like

33:17

a packed Upper West Side nail

33:20

salon, that's where I used to

33:22

nanny, like, my hands are in the thing, and then all

33:24

of a sudden, on my phone, just like, thank ya, thank

33:26

ya, that's not the worst

33:28

of those I've ever heard. One

33:31

of my friends was having a wank in the, none

33:34

of this sounds okay, he was having a wank in

33:36

the toilet before dropping his

33:39

children off to school, unrelated to

33:41

his children, he's watching adult pornography,

33:43

but he needs to de-stress before

33:45

the stress for the morning school run, right, and then he needs

33:47

to get it out, right, so yeah. So

33:49

he gets in the car, his

33:52

wife is sitting in there, three kids in the back, all

33:54

under the age of about six, and

33:57

his Bluetooth for the car automatically.

34:00

connect to his phone and it is the

34:02

loudest and filthiest orgy porn you've ever heard

34:04

now playing and he doesn't immediately register what's

34:06

happening or if anyone else can hear that

34:08

then in his head he's just like, is

34:10

this just happening in my head? And his

34:12

life is like, what the fuck is that

34:14

sound? And at first he doesn't realise and

34:16

it takes him ages and he's in his

34:18

forties. We don't know how to disconnect Bluetooth

34:21

at speed. Do you know what I mean?

34:23

That's not what our generation does. So that's

34:25

one of the worst. Anyway, so

34:27

what happened with this guy then? I mean,

34:31

it didn't at the end of

34:33

the night, he didn't neither

34:35

one of us really exactly rejected each other.

34:37

He actually I guess he

34:39

rejected me now that I think

34:41

about it because he said

34:43

he didn't say he wanted to see me again, but

34:45

he mentioned that he wanted to see my roommate's cat

34:48

again. I'm like, you're supposed to talk about me and

34:50

other cats. He's like, cats and pancakes. It was a

34:52

great cat. I'm like, yeah,

34:54

he's like, I would love to see her again sometime.

34:57

So the wrong pussy. He's

35:00

interested in the wrong pussy, oh dear. I

35:02

miss him sometimes and the morning. I

35:05

honestly think you two had more in common

35:07

than you realise and I think that was one

35:10

that got away. I'm sad to hear the

35:12

end of that story. Oh my

35:16

goodness. Alright, we'll be right back after

35:18

this. This

35:24

show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This

35:26

time of year can be a lot and

35:28

it's very natural if you're feeling some sort

35:31

of dread or fear or sadness even, a

35:33

lot of grief involved in what's supposed to

35:35

be the happiest season. It's

35:37

not that happy. For most people, we've got to

35:40

spend too much time with our families. We might

35:42

be dating extra hard because it's cuffing season and

35:44

we want someone to be warm with and going

35:46

on especially bad dates and if you are, you

35:48

should definitely write in and tell me about them

35:51

so I can read them out on this podcast.

35:53

But it's just too much. It's too much. And

35:55

so I think therapy can be the bright spot that

35:57

we need among all of the stress and change that

35:59

we need. all of us are experiencing. I

36:01

am someone who's benefited a lot from therapy,

36:04

and I think the first time I ever

36:06

got into therapy was the holiday season. That

36:08

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37:25

And we're back. And Joyelle,

37:28

it's time to take us home with much

37:30

legs. Oh

37:33

yeah, I'm taking us home. Okay,

37:36

great stories everyone. She's stretching because she's getting ready

37:38

for this. I was like, let's do this. Okay,

37:40

so like I told everyone, I

37:43

will go on dates for stories and

37:46

I'm also very petty and judgmental.

37:49

So I have a question for the group. and

38:00

he was chewing gum at the

38:02

beginning of the day. And I'm

38:04

not a gum person, I hate

38:06

gum. I hate gum trees at

38:08

theme parks that disgusts me. I hate if you touch

38:10

under a desk, you feel gum, it grosses me out.

38:14

So we eat it, we go eat Indian food. And

38:17

the meal was good or whatever, so at the end of the

38:19

meal, he's chewing gum again.

38:21

And I was like, oh, I didn't see

38:23

you put another piece in your mouth. When

38:26

did you do that? He was like, oh, this was the gum from

38:29

before. Wait, what? And I

38:31

said, what did you do with the gum

38:34

while we were eating the Indian food? He

38:36

was like, oh, I put it on the roof of my mouth. No

38:38

way. Oh my God.

38:41

What in the fuck? While

38:43

we ate a whole Indian meal, son.

38:45

He just stored it there for the

38:47

winner, like a bear. Wow. So

38:50

strange. And so

38:52

I was like, yeah, no, we're never, not only

38:54

are you not ever coming inside me, but

38:56

also like, yuck. I've never seen you again. So

38:59

I was like, maybe. Well, you don't know that he

39:01

wouldn't like, when he's going down on you, just store

39:03

his gum inside your pants for a little bit. On

39:05

the roof of your vagina. You

39:07

know what I mean? Like he, you can't trust

39:09

someone like that. I started that thinking you're being

39:12

judgmental. And by the end, I was fully on

39:14

your side. Okay, so tell me

39:16

what's the worst red flag than this.

39:19

Okay, so worst red flag than that. This

39:21

was around the summer of 2016. Remember

39:25

back when we were all sweet summer

39:27

children, very innocent before

39:30

the election. I went on a date

39:32

with this black dude that matters for the story.

39:36

So we go to have a meal in Brooklyn.

39:38

Wasn't far from my house. So I didn't have

39:40

to trek too far, but I did get beat

39:42

up. Rachel, you know, all the preparation still has

39:45

to happen. Oh, I didn't know

39:47

what that meant. Cause I'm British. So I was like, Jesus

39:49

Christ, New York. It's really intense. Someone

39:51

choked me up against the wall. No, face

39:54

beats. So arrived

39:56

to the date. We're having a good enough

39:58

time conversation. console. Remember,

40:00

summer of 2016, so all the Cosby

40:02

stuff had happened. And at this point,

40:05

we're at like 60, you

40:07

know, women. So he's a black man

40:10

who was like 40 years old. So

40:12

of course, America's dad, also all the

40:14

black men in America's dad. And

40:17

he was like, you know what, I think

40:19

Cosby's innocent. Just kind of like Rachel,

40:22

like nobody. And then, and

40:24

then Cosby opinion. Like no one

40:26

asked a question about Cosby. My

40:28

hero, The Rock and Cosby. What

40:30

a hot conversation. It's a cold

40:32

and hot chemistry. A first day.

40:34

I'm a way for I'm a

40:36

way for six months committed to

40:38

be like, you know, I do

40:40

think Cosby's innocent. By the way,

40:43

you gotta wait till you move in and you want

40:45

to say God

40:48

have a ring on her finger before

40:50

you say Cosby didn't do a thing.

40:53

He was just misunderstood. It is fucking

40:55

suicidal. This is crazy.

40:57

It's like a this is the emotional. It's like

40:59

having a it's like being a suicide bomber where

41:01

it's strapped to your dick. Like this is just

41:03

so stupid.

41:05

He doesn't bring two outfits to

41:08

his date. He brings his worst

41:10

possible takes. Before

41:14

we go, I want to

41:16

end this. I just want to

41:18

end this. No, I want to end this on

41:21

a voicemail we go from one of

41:23

our wonderful listeners and I want

41:26

to hear what you guys think.

41:28

So are you ready? Are you you

41:31

have space left for one more story? Yes.

41:34

Let's do it. Hi, that's

41:36

it. So this this

41:39

crazy shit actually happened to me. Years

41:42

ago, I was in a band and we played

41:44

a gig on the road. And

41:47

after the show, this very cool

41:49

woman introduces herself and we immediately

41:52

headed off. And I

41:54

remember her inviting me over

41:57

to her place for what she promise

42:01

would be the wildest night of my

42:03

life and we

42:05

stayed at a bar until it closed got

42:07

drunk out of her mind etc and I

42:10

sort of remember getting into an uber

42:12

at one point but that's really about

42:15

it the next memory I have will

42:17

haunt me forever the next morning something

42:19

wet was poking me

42:22

in the face and I slowly opened my

42:24

eyes and I'm dead serious there is

42:26

a fucking raccoon on my chest

42:28

I hope that's not euphemism with

42:31

this goddamn snout and

42:33

I try not to panic and

42:36

then I notice there's also a cat lying on

42:38

top of my chest yeah I'm naked and I'm

42:40

trying to hold in my scream out of fear

42:42

that this thing is going to bite only

42:45

then did I remember that

42:48

I went home with someone than I before and I

42:50

ever so gently get them off with me and

42:52

then I discovered a note from the woman saying

42:55

that she had to go to work and

42:57

I hope you don't mind that Dudley

43:00

and bandits sleep in the bed never

43:02

forget that raccoons nose in my year

43:09

I was so worried at first that

43:12

they're like hairy smelly raccoon was a

43:14

euphemism I didn't I didn't know where

43:16

that was going I'm glad it wasn't actual

43:18

raccoon but that you want to

43:20

talk terrifying red flags a woman

43:22

with a pet raccoon I'm out

43:24

like I with extreme prejudice

43:27

I am gone okay well you well

43:29

you fucked someone with your hands covered

43:31

in some yeah yeah just sit down

43:33

for a second yeah you were a

43:35

walking red flag raccoon wise shut

43:42

up what what animals are red flags

43:44

though because I met a dude once

43:46

who told me he had 33 snakes at

43:49

home and I was like 33 of anything is

43:51

just insane with

43:54

33 snakes are they in

43:56

different cages what has your whole entire

43:58

apartment covered so what animals like I

44:00

don't even like cats so

44:03

like a dog that's all I'm accepting I don't even want a

44:05

bird. That would be like shagging in

44:07

Jumanji that's fucking mental. Absolutely I would

44:09

have nightmares. You have all been fucking

44:11

amazing thank you for these incredible stories

44:14

and it has been such a joy

44:16

to get to know you so uniquely

44:18

so uniquely and a special shout out

44:20

to Joyelle for doing the god's work

44:23

in trying to heckle people. Change

44:27

manhood one man at a time. You're

44:29

recycling the dating pool and I really appreciate it.

44:31

Thank you for you shout out to you but

44:33

thank you guys so much for coming I love you all very

44:35

much. Thank you for

44:37

having us. Thank you for having us. Tickets

44:41

for Moshe Kasher's upcoming shows can

44:43

be found at linktree.com/Moshe Kasher and

44:45

he co-hosts the podcast The Endless

44:48

Honeymoon with his wife Natasha Lederer.

44:50

Look for Rachel Feinstein's new one

44:52

hour special and upcoming shows at

44:54

rachelfeinstein.com and Joyelle Johnson's

44:57

special Lovejoy is streaming now on

44:59

Peacock. Bad Dates is produced

45:01

by Smartless Media and Wondery. Created

45:04

by Robert Cohen. Executive producers

45:06

are Robert Cohen and Jemima Kamil. That's

45:08

me. Produced by Stuart

45:11

Bailey. Produced, engineered and

45:13

edited by Devon Tory-Briant. Also

45:15

engineered and edited by Kyle McGraw. Power

45:18

producer is Anne Harris. Associate

45:20

producer is Maddy McCann. Music

45:23

by Tushy and Evan Slitter. Executive

45:26

producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman

45:28

and Sean Hayes. Executive producers

45:30

for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson

45:32

and Bernie Kaminsky. If you've

45:34

had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all

45:36

about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and

45:41

our email is [email protected].

45:43

We can't wait to hear all about it. That's

45:46

all for this week. We will see you next time for

45:48

more... Hello,

46:08

Prime members. You can listen to Bad

46:10

Dates early and ad-free on Amazon Music.

46:12

Download the Amazon Music app today, or

46:15

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46:19

go, tell us about yourself by completing

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46:24

Hey, I'm Marisha. And I'm Brooke. And

46:27

we're the hosts of Wondery's podcast, Even

46:29

the Rich, where we bring you absolutely

46:31

true and absolutely shocking stories about the

46:33

most famous families and biggest celebrities the

46:35

world has ever seen. Our newest series

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is all about the royal spare Prince

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Harry. Stalked by grief and terrorized by

46:41

the press, he grew up as the

46:43

black sheep of the British royal family.

46:46

But when he finally pushes through his stoic

46:48

exterior and lets his feelings in, he'll have

46:50

to make a choice he never thought he'd

46:52

face. In our series, Prince

46:54

Harry, Windsor of Change, we'll tell you how

46:56

Harry discarded years of tradition to find the

46:58

happiness he always craved. Follow Even the Rich

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