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1:04

Ask may ask. Anything

1:06

is time to ask?

1:11

You leave early in the instagram.

1:15

To leave ammonia twitter.

1:19

Will see them well. Read

1:21

them them. Biohazard. You know?

1:23

if. You

1:36

know, I. Sometimes I think about

1:38

our fan base and the type of

1:40

fan done that we've built versus. Somebody.

1:43

Other podcasts and I think the

1:45

main difference is like I don't

1:47

confess to you that I. Like.

1:50

Slept with an underage boy and like did

1:52

a bunch a D M T. And

1:54

like have inappropriate thoughts about my father.

1:57

Like I feel like I'm just there's nothing.

2:00

Don't like This isn't the like. I

2:02

shit my pants, was given a

2:04

blow job like we don't have.

2:07

It's not so lazy as an as like.

2:10

Even. Though my comedy is. Very much based

2:12

on like observing men and women and

2:14

our society in general. I

2:17

don't have a ton of like so. I'm

2:19

I'm blowing this dude and on bug into

2:21

a single guy and you would merit like

2:23

I just don't. It's. Just not something

2:26

that I. Have. The give and

2:28

willing to give. And I think we've. Paid dearly

2:30

for that. Yeah,

2:32

it's we're we're never sharing

2:34

concessions. That there's never

2:36

a good like there's no wrestling read the news is gonna.

2:38

Make a sound bite out of it. Like.

2:41

Allies are reacting. To.

2:43

Make real good. Where is his or bag? Or. He.

2:46

Yeah, that's the best

2:48

selling passes. These. Guys are

2:51

out here trafficking women, And you're like

2:53

a paper bag. Of ego mom's

2:55

I could I just this it is is

2:57

that that podcast but I also was listening

2:59

bags. I feel like sometimes the questions are

3:01

so heavy and part of he was like

3:03

all these are above my pay grade but

3:06

then part of me was like. But.

3:08

Maybe people turn to us because

3:10

the advice is so stone cold

3:12

that like even a professional. Is afraid

3:14

to give it to you. With

3:16

their deaths, they're doubling coming

3:18

to you for a reason.

3:21

Leg. And yeah, I don't think

3:23

anyone can ever be shocked by the

3:25

advice that you gave. An

3:28

from October to December all Edu, a soccer. At

3:30

Christmas. So that's really where people come

3:32

here. Know and I and I

3:34

appreciate that and so you know what's going

3:37

to keep given at he we have a

3:39

brand new segment today is coming up as

3:41

the and against this early I am I'm

3:43

teasing of before we get to all those

3:45

coins ads I want you to know yet

3:47

a hot news segment and is good It.

3:51

An Interactive components with you guys

3:53

sending us even. More of your thoughts.

3:55

I'm very excited for that. I

3:57

know you're like five year old assessed for adults do?

4:00

That. But. The ads

4:02

play less assess as the A

4:04

badge let him play by something.

4:07

That being said, I wasn't as other podcast that

4:09

I enjoy. Ah when you know what, I'm not

4:11

gonna give it a shot up so that. They

4:14

only have to ads and they

4:17

run those two ads in every

4:19

spot over and over. So

4:21

it's like the same mobile banking have and

4:23

this and they're like not services that I

4:26

would using your just like and tags and

4:28

wheezes space without. Or. Display at once.

4:30

Like how that be enough? But.

4:33

We're here. I think we're going to

4:36

say do have any updates. Are we just go right into an.

4:38

Update right! I was important for us to

4:40

talk about the fact that you're torn on

4:42

sale now. Lying one. Yes, it

4:44

is on sale. we are, don't they

4:46

ought to know and wouldn't be working

4:49

about it on a thrill. Right

4:51

now I've got my cigarettes at for the

4:53

thought thought secure I wanted so I was

4:55

very other players in my room because I

4:57

wanted to support you on that. a place

4:59

in my life or I said by two

5:01

tickets for me and my mom and why.sign?

5:04

tickets that are in such a place that

5:06

there is an entrance on the and so

5:08

there's only two next to each other and

5:10

then so there's no one does. a law

5:12

won by handicap ticket Did you buy snow

5:14

as is about as good as you. Know

5:17

that for someone in a wheelchair know by

5:19

now. Ah me know but I was born

5:21

in about I would have given you. I

5:24

want to. whatever you why? I know but I

5:26

want. I'm at a place our I could buy

5:28

tickets to a theater show and I wanted to

5:30

support. You are not as be on your list.

5:33

That. Is very sweet wire

5:36

or about. Ten people

5:38

in my life, give or take. Twelve.

5:41

Who. Am like of course I'll give

5:43

you tickets and I would consider view one

5:45

of them. I wish people further out for

5:47

me. By the thought the way you

5:49

did vs like we knew each other ones

5:51

luck if they had bad hands are time

5:53

a ticket if they have a crazy priced

5:55

maybe I would as said please help me

5:57

but they are very well price it's a

5:59

theory I live I picked bases my i'm

6:02

i'm taking my mom obviously it's you tell

6:04

me if I did and so the minute

6:06

I went on like presale I got my

6:08

little code switch the coated allies I I

6:10

get know prefilled over to Roman I that

6:12

it's over doesn't matter to so by don't

6:14

want Emily. I. Love you! That's very

6:16

sweet. I'll give or get your free

6:18

soda or something up. but access? really?

6:20

Sad the journal entries on the balcony the

6:22

winter okay but yours And I'll say last

6:25

time you got me on, the less you

6:27

gotten. Very good seats on the floor.

6:29

And. Somebody kept climbing over me and

6:31

guess I now no one's going. To

6:33

because Cameron can climb on me.

6:36

But. Wait, this is in Georgia. We definitely

6:38

have fans in Atlanta. I'm gonna get you

6:40

a shirt that says yep, it's me. Know.

6:43

It's gonna say the woman at a point of view

6:45

and. Then the legend and went down to

6:47

your crotch. Yes and because he

6:50

will be like Emily or even the

6:52

process and new really gets me. It's

6:54

me Wall. That's cool, I'm excited.

6:56

I love the Fox it's an amazing many I

6:58

know that people to get all your cities but

7:00

the Atlanta one's gonna be really get my Us.

7:02

Oh I did the day off work because i

7:04

don't get off work till seven so my mom

7:06

and are going and go get the at are

7:09

using some as you are but you're gonna be

7:11

busy promptly before the saw a. Better.

7:13

Idea: ditch your mom com hang out in my

7:15

hotel wallet, put on the deaths of like and

7:17

do that before before I see where on us

7:19

because I took the whole day off work. I

7:21

put in for it today and they got approved.

7:24

And. That's the way you want. I first of all thank

7:26

you and that's the way you want to consume. My show

7:28

is a full day. I mean it's the Get Ready Tour

7:30

See, you're gonna want to go to Get ready This. Is.

7:33

Is all about get ready woman in a single that

7:35

cat hair off by Sir Over much as at all

7:37

Sir Paul get all the cat hair off of that.

7:39

I'll take the a couple hours. I couldn't be getting

7:42

out of work at seven. I needed to take the

7:44

day off. The i feel the all the cat here

7:46

not gonna wedding he will be some of us you

7:48

know. Save. Some for them, With.

7:51

For the boys. The

7:53

tour has launched. We're at we're gonna

7:55

be adding shows. I'm. Very excited to

7:57

get out there and to show the rest!

8:00

That is our that I've been working on that I'm

8:02

getting it to go to every city. Last year and

8:04

we were actually. Just on he routes

8:06

the routing for twenty twenty

8:08

fives see address. you're angry

8:10

Texas sans. Work.

8:13

There are no shows there. Is

8:16

because there were shows there folks. you can just look.

8:19

I do my best to get to everyone every

8:21

year and a half an empty cans and and

8:23

you gotta read it. But we did just play

8:25

Texas in the Fall of Twenty Twenty Three. Okay,

8:28

so. I. You don't go back.

8:30

I just I wouldn't. Go back

8:32

for a little bit so maybe it will be.

8:35

The end of twenty twenty five? Bet. You.

8:37

Want to see a new act? not like

8:40

a similar act? That's like a little bit

8:42

different. We don't. Waste your time. We're trying to

8:44

put on a professional show, Not fucking around. I come

8:46

to give you a show that is polish from top

8:48

to bottom of brand new and I'm always done that

8:50

and I always will do that. Because.

8:55

One. Of the best comedians in the world and

8:57

that's the way to fucking be sorry. Ah

9:00

female comedian says that she's

9:02

good. Ominous. And that is out of

9:04

really. Proud. of her cm like

9:06

they care proud of herself therefore discounting.

9:08

Others. Whatever. Only women aren't allowed

9:10

to be proud of themselves. And

9:13

always show humility. And

9:15

the get Ready tour. And. Hour

9:17

ago some new merge and reciting. So it's and

9:20

it's full. Launch modems that take. You

9:22

weeks off here in the summer. He. Was

9:24

my family which I have to do now which was

9:26

we're We're talking about the routing and I was. Like

9:29

he'll just go have a son

9:31

now. so that's a tough thing.

9:33

To balance, how do you play all of

9:35

Eastern Europe? While. Having a

9:37

family the answer is one of got ago

9:39

so we'll figure it out. But.

9:42

We're here for you. Yeah. I. Were.

9:46

Here where were you All have followed all

9:48

read part of this fall off because it

9:50

is from. The. Person who.

9:52

Reached out who whose brother had passed

9:55

and they had to tell their mom.

9:58

Okay, That was the one that I was talking. It

10:00

was so heavy I was. There have you

10:02

on? Yeah, So. Heavy. I just

10:04

wanted to share that admit saw that heaviness

10:06

the spurs and roll back and they said

10:08

I was not your said four times and

10:11

I am so grateful for such an empathetic

10:13

response is absolutely no one has had your

10:15

take a reaction situation. I think what you

10:17

all said was a great way to hold

10:19

Ross I said well I said that I

10:21

needed to hear someone say that I should.

10:23

Not have had to be the one to tell them was very

10:26

much what I needed to hear. I. Knew

10:28

it. that's why said it as like know was given

10:30

this guy a break. Yeah Salvo, I love that all

10:32

I'm an Android. I just want to thank you to

10:34

for everything you said. Give me a little bit of

10:36

a laugh and between two years as I was listening.

10:38

you guys really help me make a difference in my

10:40

life. Help me through my grief I appreciate so much

10:43

so. You. Day of that. And.

10:45

Can I tell you what I was over he was gonna

10:47

say was i listen to a four times and I'm not

10:49

gonna do it than that I do anything. And I

10:51

don't agree it was. I'll I'll our as

10:54

the Best. That's the best way to make

10:56

someone feel good when they're sad to lake

10:58

in views a little bit of laughter. That's

11:00

really the model for my whole act. She.

11:03

Gets you thinking about being pro choice. And

11:06

your own struggles with. Pregnancy.

11:08

But last, and all the way, they're yes.

11:10

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15:02

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

15:05

Hi, Eliza and Emily. I have a real

15:07

doozy for you that I'm pretty sure has

15:09

never been talked about on the pod. I

15:12

am a 29 year old female and have a group of... I

15:14

have a group of three close girlfriends I have known

15:16

since a very young age. Every year...

15:19

A grouping of three or more hot women is called a

15:21

grope. Every

15:24

year we have a girls weekend. Two

15:26

years ago, my one girlfriend's called Kelly

15:28

confessed to having slept with a girl,

15:30

even though she had been in an

15:32

ongoing relationship with a guy for about

15:34

two years. This information has

15:36

since become water under the bridge as her and her

15:38

boyfriend decided to move past it and put it up

15:40

to a drunken one-time thing. For context,

15:43

Kelly has never been in a long-term relationship

15:45

and had never been with anyone else until

15:47

this guy. I've also never

15:49

really had warm and fuzzies about this guy, but

15:51

he hasn't done anything substantial in the past for

15:53

me to intervene. Fast forward to last

15:55

year, they got married. My girlfriends and I were

15:57

all in their wedding party. One month

15:59

later... into their marriage, Kelly gets a

16:02

cute bob haircut and confesses to

16:04

my girlfriends and I that her

16:06

husband had lashed out at her for it,

16:08

saying things to her like, how could you

16:10

betray me like this? You look like a

16:12

lesbian. I don't find you attractive anymore. We

16:15

then all came together and made her aware about how big

16:17

of a red flag this is and how it can become

16:19

much worse down the line. Since then,

16:21

Kelly and her husband have continued being together

16:23

as though nothing happened. Fast forward to

16:26

New Year's Eve, 2023, and all my girlfriends and

16:28

I, including Kelly, got together at Kelly's place

16:31

for a party. Kelly got very

16:33

drunk and after midnight asked me to go to

16:35

the bathroom with her. So we went

16:37

just like always, but she decides to get trust

16:39

to me that the girl she slept with a few

16:41

years ago was actually one of the other girls in

16:43

our close girl group. Let's call

16:45

her Stacy. For additional context,

16:48

Stacy is Kelly's closest friend and

16:50

was her maid of honor. I'm not

16:53

entirely sure what I should do here,

16:55

since I don't think even Kelly remembers

16:57

telling me this information. Should

16:59

I take this as a cry for help and have

17:01

a come to Jesus with Kelly to ask if she's

17:03

truly happy in her relationship? Should I confront Stacy? Should

17:05

I go and tell the fourth member of the group

17:07

since she's now the only one who doesn't know? Any

17:10

kind of or words of wisdom you could provide to

17:12

this baby millennial would be super helpful. Love you both

17:14

so much. All the human and fur munchkins that come

17:16

with you. Keep me anonymous. Thank

17:18

you. And then some photos of their pet

17:21

for me. Yeah, I'll do that haircut. Oh, okay. Listen,

17:25

um, the

17:28

good news is you're not concerned with this husband.

17:30

It's not like it's a friend of yours or

17:32

your brother's. So it's not like you care about

17:34

keeping a secret from this guy and whatever. The

17:36

concern is your friend, but this is

17:38

a lot. This is a

17:40

lot. And it doesn't have to be.

17:44

It doesn't have to be this fraught. Your friend

17:46

Kelly is having is going

17:48

through something and probably look, you

17:51

know, whether you want to

17:53

say bisexual or straight up gay, straight

17:55

gay. I'm more

17:57

shocked by Stacy, who is. sitting,

18:00

there were four of them, okay? And one

18:02

of them goes, I slept with

18:04

a girl. And the other three go, and

18:06

one of them is like, I'm that girl.

18:08

That's crazy. Stacy's like, oh, I'll

18:10

just go. Free, whoa. Step

18:13

on some big red. New information. The

18:16

good news is, you are not beholden

18:18

to the boy, the husband,

18:20

you're not his friend, that's not your brother, you don't

18:22

relate like the guy, whatever, and the guy also

18:24

like lost it on his wife for getting a short

18:27

haircut. Whether or not she looks like

18:29

a lesbian. Not even like a crew cut, a bob.

18:31

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what it looks like,

18:33

it could be a real bad bob, it could be

18:35

a real asymmetrical bob, we don't know. Could

18:37

be real, it could

18:39

be real lesbian power comic 2015. We

18:42

don't know. You can sleep with

18:44

a woman without not

18:48

wanting to be in your marriage, you could sleep with, Kelly's

18:50

up with Stacy, she may not love Stacy, could have just

18:52

been someone she needed to sleep with. She

18:54

cheated on her husband or fiancee, and

18:57

they moved past it. She hasn't done it

18:59

again. All that's new, what? I

19:02

just think, I'm just laying out what

19:05

the black and white facts are. All that's

19:07

new is that you now know that it's Stacy. For

19:10

your own friendship, you should gather either the three of

19:12

you, or if you wanna include this fourth friend that

19:14

is kind of a dud, since we're not saying their

19:16

name. Fourth girl. And just be

19:19

like, guys, like Kelly, she

19:21

knows she told you, by the way, she remembers

19:23

that she told you, and just be like, let's

19:25

all get this out in the open, because I can't be

19:28

your friend in a piecemealed way. You

19:30

don't care that she slept with a girl. And

19:32

then you say, because it's not,

19:35

it's that we don't like this guy, but other

19:38

than the haircut, which you can have a

19:40

short haircut if not be gay, rest of

19:42

America, you're thinking this is a cry

19:44

for help. You're thinking she's like, I'm not happy in this

19:46

marriage. She also could have cut her hair short. I'm just

19:48

gonna put this out there. Let's say

19:50

she's not bi or gay, because she

19:53

doesn't like her husband, and she was

19:55

subconsciously trying to be like, what can I do so that

19:57

he will leave me alone? Doesn't sound like

19:59

she's in a great marriage. It regardless of if she secretly gay

20:01

or not and so you need to be there for

20:03

your friend to just be like if you want to

20:05

leave this guy I want to be that are encouraged

20:07

you If you want to stay with him I'm your

20:09

friend. You gotta talk to her and let her know

20:11

that you know it's Stacey and you guys only to

20:13

move forward together. I just wasn't. Occur

20:17

okay number one, I wonder. I

20:20

wonder if she hasn't done anything with

20:22

Stacey sense? I as yeah.

20:24

I think that our their best

20:26

friends. They've known each other for

20:29

ages. They're still like I just.

20:31

That's. To it was like a one

20:33

night stands like they're that your the course you

20:35

know? Answer it Yeah let's say says here. Look

20:38

like. Do.

20:41

They have matching here. Scientists:

20:43

I. I. Want to

20:45

know what stay sees? take it like. It's

20:48

easy told she was drugs used

20:50

only products I think look to

20:52

be honest I think Kelly is

20:55

gay or bi leaning gay and

20:57

slowed. Or even man be ties Ya it's

20:59

what she thought she could do without. Only

21:01

guy. She's ever badlands she like. I guess

21:03

this is supposed to be my life by it.

21:06

I just at and for the fourth friend

21:08

got to cut your been promised. Kelly's having

21:10

like a full identity crisis by it but

21:13

also it's fucked up that like a guys

21:15

like let's move pass it because it's a

21:17

girl and all I am I don't know

21:19

I know but if we're I mean it's

21:21

if any only being allies here and of

21:24

were really treating everyone the same in this

21:26

is feminism that's just as fucked up a

21:28

sleeping with a man other than the fact

21:30

that you were not penetrated with a penis.

21:33

oh I hate it when it's only been

21:35

a lot of men feel that way but

21:37

it took work at then. Totally like it

21:39

invalidates that being a meaningful with issue telling

21:42

yourself and he's telling her legs over the

21:44

growth of it didn't matter, it's a commuter

21:46

great friend. It kind of matters know it's

21:48

another human being that you slept with. I

21:50

mean for some reason it's okay if your

21:53

wife Lisa. The woman but if your

21:55

husband busted dude you would have billie

21:57

it's or kids is another do ya

21:59

bro? Yeah, there's a lot going

22:01

on here. You cheated on your husband, you're not into it. And

22:03

I don't care, don't email me like, I cheated

22:05

and I'm more committed now than ever. Yeah.

22:08

Your friend's not happy, so you need to not

22:10

be afraid of her, tell her that.

22:13

Have space there, be like, I know you two slept together.

22:15

I don't care if you leave the other, yeah,

22:17

or if you did, I'm here for you regardless,

22:19

but just know these are not the behaviors of

22:21

someone who's happy. Whether or not you're

22:23

gay or straight almost doesn't matter. Yeah,

22:26

yeah. And if we wanna address the question of the

22:28

fourth friend. The fourth girl. I

22:30

think you just play that episode of Friends where it's like,

22:32

oh, they don't know that we know that I know for

22:35

Stacy and Kelly and go, this is what you're doing to

22:37

me. Can we just stop this? Yeah. Let's

22:39

end it. Yeah, make it

22:41

about you. Also, I always

22:43

felt like they always had to write in Phoebe's

22:45

part, cause like, it was

22:47

like, oh yeah, and Phoebe, it's like, she's not really,

22:49

like no one, I never cared, Phoebe was very funny.

22:52

This is not like about Lisa Kudrow's acting ability. This

22:54

was like, as a human, I'm just like, who

22:56

cares if we involve Phoebe in her kooky take?

22:58

I was on a call the other day with a

23:00

rep for meta about stuff and I

23:03

knew 100%, I was like, this is a

23:05

sleeper agent because they said, you know, if

23:07

you're posting something about like a show, like

23:09

Friends, like I love all the characters, you

23:11

know, so I could post a video where

23:13

it's like about how I love all the,

23:15

and I'm thinking, nobody loves all the characters.

23:17

Everybody hates Ross. Oh

23:20

yeah. Just to say like, oh, Friends is my

23:22

favorite show and also I love all of them.

23:24

All the friends are so great. And I'm like,

23:27

you're not from here. Must

23:29

see TV, NBC. Yeah.

23:31

Yeah. It's like toward the end of the season,

23:33

they were like, how can we mix these? Okay, we'll have

23:35

Joey and Rachel sleeping together.

23:38

We'll just try. All

23:40

right, all right. I don't want to preview your

23:42

segment, but I like Joey and Rachel

23:44

together. Okay, folks, get

23:46

ready at the end of this hour. And at the

23:49

end of this hour and change, we've got a hot

23:51

new segment coming up. Anyways, the point is you got

23:53

to get right with all your friends and just be

23:55

like, dude, like we are friends, like you cannot hamster

23:58

feed without the fact that she is. I'll

24:00

tell you what the fact that she is. A

24:03

dribbling out information mean she feels bad

24:05

and conflicted. A. Or she outlines

24:07

like she wants it. She

24:10

wanted to be real in a way that

24:12

she's bring out like oh you know I

24:14

actually such as slightly. She's wanting someone else

24:17

to have been a bird any for her

24:19

and be like well so are you And

24:21

are you and Stacey like what's going on

24:23

like she wants to. Talk about it

24:25

to someone. There. Is nothing wrong

24:27

with being like you're gay and if you're not, is

24:29

up with Stacey and you got some soul searching to

24:32

do. But either. Way, I don't think you're happy

24:34

and this marriage because it's really never acceptable.

24:36

To was real on your wife because she

24:38

got a haircut. That being said, his or

24:41

her naturally curly says i don't know how

24:43

good a short curly haired for several books

24:45

on any isn't the only. Time where it's

24:47

ever been acceptable to say like yeah, you

24:50

can call the a column gay, tell him

24:52

their day Aden, You're right. This is not

24:54

like remember those ads from like Food Like

24:56

Hillary Dolphins ate lunch for They'd be like

24:58

don't call people gay. Because. It

25:01

was like an hour. They're worth. Okay,

25:03

a bite of a target allow case

25:05

where Hillary: Dunno knowing somebody call something

25:07

they're like that lockers gay. it's you.

25:09

Foot locker. don't do that. We had

25:11

a moment inanimate object the I think

25:13

it's stupid, get or it. And

25:15

know. Where

25:17

you sit on that if they are de yah it's

25:20

i don't know I cilic. Were so pc know a

25:22

given if you say gay. It's. Offensive

25:24

your legs. And we the homosexual man

25:26

now as homo do is, you don't know

25:28

that he's a human. Right? You

25:30

don't know that he sexually to identify

25:32

as a couch that doesn't sleep with

25:34

people? Don't say any Latin. Words.

25:37

You just offending everyone. Please

25:39

go back to new rabbit hole and it

25:41

was tell your Philip gets gets thrown your

25:43

friends of them spilling I'm there for you.

25:46

Don't to get to say both. To

25:50

straight. Don't say straight. Don't

25:54

say straits. Tail

25:57

I the only and gang. males then ireland

25:59

time OG fans of the pod and

26:01

of use since confirmed kills We

26:05

love listening to a I a together

26:07

Religiously like not allowed to listen ahead

26:09

by ourselves because we love discussing the

26:11

questions. That's so sweet She's

26:13

like we mute you and we discuss we have

26:15

our own offshoot podcast. I

26:17

feel like it's hat and Jan way in After

26:21

show for this That's

26:23

how you know, you've made it. Yeah, they're like here's

26:25

where they went wrong. I I

26:28

honestly feel like it's strengthened our marriage when we agree

26:30

on so much together and with you you feel like

26:33

an older sister to me Thank you for all you

26:35

do with humor and grace. Well, that's

26:37

older. I After

26:39

all these years. I finally have a doozy. You've

26:41

never been asked before My

26:43

BFF in and I have known each

26:46

other for over 15 years. She was my maid

26:48

of honor We've recently went on

26:50

a girls trip to Japan to celebrate us

26:52

turning 30 We

26:54

have traveled together before but never

26:56

internationally We spent three weeks

26:58

exploring and other than her being more

27:00

selfish and inconsiderate than I realized only

27:03

child problems Things are going

27:05

pretty well until our last

27:07

night We

27:10

decided to end our trip by going out in

27:12

Tokyo We planned a bar hop all

27:14

night before she headed to the airport in the morning

27:16

and I stayed to meet up with my husband At

27:19

the first bar we met three guys from the USA who

27:21

seemed cool So we spent the rest of the night as

27:23

a group who's fine until the second

27:25

bar when things started getting weird and And

27:29

one of the guys Ike had gotten really

27:31

close and were drinking and partying by themselves

27:33

By the third bar the two of them were openly making out

27:35

and disappearing in the bathroom together Making a

27:38

bunch of noise and returning looking disheveled.

27:40

This is what people hate Americans I know all

27:42

the Americans paired up an active rowdy This

27:46

is a complete shock to me since

27:48

she's been with her boyfriend for over

27:50

three years and his openly Complained about

27:52

wanting to be engaged by her 30th

27:54

birthday, which was a month after our

27:57

Japan trip And It wants nothing

27:59

more than to be married. Married and start a

28:01

family. Earlier. That week she

28:03

had openly called herself a quotes

28:05

former cheater sell. All this wasn't

28:07

too surprising. Her doing it in

28:09

front of me absolutely was. I.

28:11

Regret not saying something at the time, but

28:13

I was in shock. So. I

28:15

sat at the bars of these other guys avoiding eye

28:18

contact with her all night. A couldn't believe

28:20

what I was seeing and just wanna get through the night

28:22

so she would leave. To. Make it worse,

28:24

you combine tell everyone how awesome have a friend

28:26

I was in. I was so cool! Of.

28:30

I rolled my eyes of the bar for insinuating

28:32

that I was cool with her behavior which thinking

28:35

about it now as a non confrontational person my

28:37

not calling for out on at the moment probably

28:39

made or believe this. I really regret not saying

28:41

anything in the moment be her voice of reason

28:43

but this is the first time this has ever

28:46

happened to me and I was completely unprepared and

28:48

drugs myself in. Yeah, that's what it

28:50

was that you were drunk with the opposite you warm

28:52

birds the that's okay you reporting. I can't help

28:54

but feel she ruined our truth or maybe our

28:56

friendship as I lost a lot of respect for

28:58

her since then, cheating is one thing, but doing

29:00

it in front of me and assuming I'm cool

29:02

with it is another. I'm. Torn

29:05

between letting this go, breaking up with her,

29:07

or blown the whole thing up because her

29:09

kind boyfriend deserves better. My. Husband thinks

29:11

a relationship as run its course and I should

29:13

just slowly ghost or but over the past year

29:15

and and I have gotten really close. Although.

29:18

I know I could be loyal to a fault,

29:20

I care about her want to see are happy

29:22

but I can't help but feel crossed a line

29:24

with me and I should be responsible a helper

29:26

with a relationships at this as as he is.

29:28

However known she doesn't have any other close friends

29:30

and other than anyone else in our life the

29:32

will clear to call her inner city. Tell the

29:35

truth. Is though it I am definitely

29:37

Odin apology for ruining our last name or

29:39

broker of at least she feels like I

29:41

was an amazing trip that mentor front of

29:43

stronger incidents are talking about. Hang out more

29:45

once a back in town Say do much

29:47

love Gg from Canada P S one of

29:49

the other guys in the group had on

29:51

me and even asked my marriage was open.

29:53

I said it all down immediately not cheating.

29:55

Is not hard. And. the spurs

29:57

and then shared say give themselves the nicknames eg

30:00

And we should think about doing nicknames instead of

30:02

anonymous and that's actually a good idea Great

30:05

Gigi. I thought you were American.

30:07

So now I have to reconsider my entire answer.

30:09

No Is

30:12

an American I assume and is Canadian

30:14

they just paired up with the American guys and

30:16

so we assume they were American So

30:19

much some of that behavior rubbed off on you Okay,

30:22

so you said something interesting. I Don't

30:25

want to be responsible to help her You read

30:29

that again. Yes, so that was I

30:33

shouldn't be responsible for her to Help

30:36

her with her relationships. If this is how she is.

30:39

However, no one should have any other close friends, but

30:41

there's no I know I asked you to I

30:45

did the work part she thinks she feels responsible to

30:47

help her with her relationship She says no one else

30:49

in life will care enough to call her out on

30:51

her shit and tell her the truth Yeah,

30:54

but that's not the part the responsible I

30:57

don't want to feel responsible is Like

31:00

the main thing here. This is I'm glad you're saying this

31:02

cuz you're like she owes me an apology I think a

31:04

lot of women if they wrote this in they'd be like,

31:06

what do I say to the boy? What

31:08

do I say to her her boyfriend? What

31:11

do I do? Dada? She violated

31:13

you as a friend

31:16

and the truth is and I really

31:18

if my best friend if we

31:20

since I was 15 and I was 30 which I am

31:23

If we went and she cheated on her wife, I

31:26

would I would Hold that secret for her because

31:28

she's my friend and I don't really I Just

31:32

would I just would depending on the flight.

31:34

Her wife doesn't list those podcasts does she?

31:37

And and my friend doesn't listen to this it depends

31:39

like there's like your ride-or-die friends You've had forever

31:41

that usually we get these questions get that

31:43

fucking cat out of the camera Emily Jesus

31:46

Christ kick him out Perfect.

31:50

Oh my god Try

31:53

to give some advice and your cat's asshole

31:55

is like in the camera and then his whiskers

31:57

are on the periphery and You just

31:59

keep waving. Your hand Umbrella Camera. How many? Listen

32:01

Back To this. Manga ago. So

32:03

me to my friends support You're getting your

32:05

getting riled up and now you're saying you're

32:08

You're going to keep secrets from you for

32:10

advice. Yeah I think there

32:12

are certain be born. Guys are certain friends.

32:16

That. Are your

32:18

best? If it's your best friend, I don't

32:20

I can't tell. If we're going to cut her

32:22

out like you would never occur to me the like. Emily,

32:25

Have you ever had a romantic. Partner.

32:28

And you cheated on that person. I have a

32:30

new told me that I would. You

32:32

What? My role as you with you is more important than

32:34

anything. Some evolutionary to tell you. I would

32:36

have to tell Noah. Era

32:39

but. You have a relationship with No

32:41

as right? If I didn't know now is

32:43

Not a relationship was no Us My that's

32:45

what I'm saying. Yes Okay yeah. I

32:48

think. Your issue is

32:50

not. do I hold the secret from my friend. Your

32:52

issue is that your friend didn't give you. A

32:54

choice. And your friend thought this was

32:56

cause you put you in an uncomfortable position and

32:59

it's really less about the boyfriend who like may

33:01

be a nice guy whatever. And it also led

33:03

to see new supremes and prefer position. that's why

33:05

she got some. I mean it isn't my friend

33:08

so great. I love her and like that about

33:10

as a bathroom. Yeah hundred right. I felt guilty.

33:12

You. Need to tell her all of this.

33:15

Give her the chance as your best friend.

33:17

You just took a three week trip to

33:20

Japan was give her the chance to

33:22

be like I am so sorry. it's really

33:24

messed up that I did that I don't

33:26

one ever take if I give her a

33:28

chance to. She.

33:31

Can never repair that. Damage but

33:33

she can. Start. Our paths

33:35

the like, Building. Something. Backups: You

33:37

made a mistake. And

33:39

there was alcohol involved in some excuse, but it's only

33:41

she was like I'm sober and I'm. Making this

33:44

choice and. I know that it's a

33:46

great idea. But. I

33:49

think she really hurt you because she'd put you in

33:51

her uncomfortable position and he took advantage of and has

33:53

brought it up since. Yeah, it's. tough

33:55

now because your husband knows so he's lost

33:57

respect for her so he's not like men

33:59

get very weird when they find out a woman

34:01

has cheated. Like there's like a weird

34:04

bro code or whatever. Like it's, they get like

34:07

weirder than women, to be honest. This

34:09

is all about how do you move forward with

34:11

this girl? And the best way to do

34:13

that is to sit down with her and be like, here's what

34:16

you did. It's not how I

34:18

operate. You put me in an uncomfortable

34:20

situation. You also didn't have a

34:22

great trip. You were talking about like she

34:24

was selfish, only child stuff. Like you have some other

34:26

problems with this friend. We all have problems with our

34:28

friends. But

34:30

her punctuating a trip with that, you're

34:34

just like, how am I supposed to go out with the two of

34:36

you and like look him in the eye? Now

34:38

you've been uncomfortable because I don't want to see you guys

34:40

together. Cause it's one thing to hold a

34:42

secret for you. It's another thing to actively be lying

34:44

to a guy who I have to like look in

34:46

the eye. So what do you want me to do?

34:48

Sounds like he's a nice guy. Sure. I mean,

34:51

that's the bare minimum. So put

34:53

that on her and you can just be like, I

34:55

don't want to see that. Like I can't go

34:57

out with you guys together. That makes me feel

34:59

complicit. Yeah. And you took

35:03

advantage of our friendship. You owe me

35:05

an apology and see what she says. Cause

35:08

that will dictate where

35:10

this relationship is going to go. Does she respect you enough to

35:12

own up to it? Right. Right. Cause

35:14

it's not that you had a year cheating. You

35:16

were like, you were like, Oh, you know, it

35:18

wasn't that I wasn't cheating. It was that it

35:20

was in front of me. And also I would

35:22

be mad if I'm sitting at the bar and

35:25

she's going to the bathroom every five minutes on

35:27

the last night of our trip together. It's like,

35:29

well, I'm just gonna entertain these guys now. No,

35:31

I just don't want to be stuck down in

35:33

these other people. It's also like

35:35

I'm married. So like, it's not that fun to

35:38

talk to someone of the opposite sex. If you

35:40

like, what are we really going to do here?

35:42

Like, it's not like they were

35:44

like amazing conversationalists. Like it's cool to meet people

35:46

and get drunk or whatever. Um, it

35:49

sounds like you've also let a lot of time go by.

35:51

So she's thinking it's cool cause you've let it

35:53

be cool for so long. Yeah. But this has

35:55

bothered you. It's stuck in your craw. Say something.

35:58

And then if she apologizes or. acknowledges it,

36:00

you can take it from there. Your

36:03

husband is saying to cut it off because she cheated on

36:05

her boyfriend. That's why. Which

36:09

only you can decide how you feel about that. We

36:11

all have friends that do immoral things or make mistakes

36:13

and it's just a question of how much are you

36:15

willing to put up with before it's

36:17

a reflection of you or and makes

36:19

you comfortable. Give

36:21

it, if you care about her, give it that chance and then

36:23

you can go from there. Do it now. After

36:26

you let these ads play. This

36:34

show is sponsored by BetterHelp. It used to

36:36

be just go to a party, have a bunch of

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38:38

That's ELIZA at HERO.C-O. Hi

38:48

Eliza, Emily. I've got a situation grinding

38:51

my gears that has been four years in the

38:53

making. The backstory, my husband and

38:55

I have been mutual friends with a guy

38:57

in his 50s for about 10 plus years

39:00

through our involvement in the arts in our

39:02

area. He also works with my

39:04

husband. Since beginning of

39:06

COVID, this friend has been utilizing our

39:08

washer and dryer every two weeks to

39:10

do his laundry. Sometimes he

39:12

will go to a laundromat for a few weeks but

39:15

every time he asks to do his laundry at our

39:17

house I get so peeved about it. At

39:19

first it was because laundry units in his home

39:21

were broken which led to more water issues under

39:24

the foundation of his home. It took a while to have the

39:26

repair people fix it. In the middle of

39:28

COVID, he did not feel safe going to a laundromat.

39:30

We of course were happy to help him. That

39:32

was four years ago. I get

39:35

miffed mostly because while he's leaning on

39:37

us for his creature comforts, he's spending

39:39

money on trips abroad that I know

39:41

are expensive. He finally bought a new washer

39:43

dryer unit. At the first signs of them

39:45

not working, instead of getting repaired, he went

39:48

back to the laundromat and requested us to

39:50

let him do laundry at our house. I

39:52

truly don't mind if it's once in a while but

39:54

I've told my husband we will not be getting back

39:57

in the habit of him coming over every two weeks

39:59

on the weekends. And he is, to me, just

40:01

being lazy about taking care of something that the

40:03

majority of grown and capable adults have to deal

40:05

with on the regular one caveat.

40:07

When he is at our house, he does

40:10

offer to buy lunch. Sometimes I'm

40:12

included in the order and sometimes I'm

40:14

not. I

40:16

know this friendship should not be conditional, but it

40:19

feels like we're trading laundry units for takeout. I

40:21

find myself trying to be out of the

40:23

house when he's there now versus enjoying his

40:26

company because I feel used. My

40:28

husband doesn't understand why I got so worked up

40:30

about it when a friend asked to do his

40:32

laundry, which of course makes me feel like the

40:34

bitch in the situation. I did not feel this

40:36

way four years ago, but now I think a

40:38

little tough love is needed here. Right now it

40:40

feels like no real friendship is being nurtured after

40:42

so many years. Am I overreacting

40:44

here? What would you do? I

40:47

love this question. This is the kind of

40:49

thing I feel like we can really weigh in on. Yeah.

40:53

I think what's bothering you is

40:55

he is, because you included

40:57

his age. So you're saying you are a

41:00

more than grown man and it's

41:03

bothering you that an adult is being

41:06

lazy. Yeah. And it's bother. Yeah. I

41:08

mean, that's at the core of it because

41:10

you keep bringing up lazy and like

41:12

people. That's a

41:15

lot of hours for him to just be in your

41:17

space. Especially on

41:19

a weekend, which is your time to decompress.

41:21

It doesn't sound like you have kids because

41:25

then it could be like, we don't

41:27

financially, you know, we're busy with the

41:29

kids. It sounds like

41:31

he feels like it's okay to do and no one

41:33

ever said anything. And I think it also would

41:36

be different if this guy were like a

41:38

great hang and it was like a Kramer

41:40

situation and it was cute and

41:42

it was like, it's a standing date. I come over, I

41:44

do two loads of laundry and I buy them lunch. But

41:48

I don't think you're in, you're not getting anything out

41:50

of this relationship. So what

41:52

you have is a leftover conditional

41:55

nicety from

41:57

COVID and it's just

41:59

become the that it is and your

42:01

husband is like what's the big deal he probably gets

42:04

a kick out of the guy or just is doesn't

42:07

want to confront him because he's just not that kind of guy what's

42:10

bothering you is that it doesn't feel like

42:12

there is reciprocation there and

42:14

you're not getting anything out of him so yeah

42:18

you're like do I go to the mat on this over

42:20

and your husband saying it's not a big deal is it

42:23

one load of laundry it

42:25

seems like it's I mean it's his laundry for

42:27

every two weeks so it's just like a lot

42:29

yeah let's say it's like one load that's

42:32

at least two hours and laundry

42:35

I didn't wash the machines take so long yeah

42:38

there's a way to make peace with it the fact that you're

42:41

not included in the order is

42:43

weird because it's your

42:45

house too it's your bill

42:47

too it's your time too

42:49

I always say

42:51

this who do you

42:53

want to make uncomfortable whose comfort is more important

42:55

you or the other person to

42:58

me it seems like a very easy

43:00

text or conversation just to be like

43:03

we just can't do the laundry every two weeks or the

43:06

next time he asked is be like hey we're not gonna

43:08

be home hey we can't do it this week I

43:11

don't know if this is a good trait like you have to say

43:13

it because he's either he's

43:15

taking advantage deliberately or he's just thinking it's

43:17

cool and he's like this is just what we do right

43:19

is he seeing it are him and your husband

43:21

like Rose where they're like oh we hang out

43:24

every couple weeks and also he happens to do

43:26

his laundry while we're hanging out that's one yeah

43:28

I'm saying is he a good hang is he

43:30

a good hang for your husband does your husband

43:32

feel bad like oh this guy's like 58 he

43:34

has no one there is something

43:37

to that like this guy could be doing it because

43:39

he doesn't have anyone else I actually I can't believe

43:41

I'm asking this about a question about laundry but I

43:44

would like more context because this could also

43:46

be a great chance for you to be like this is when

43:48

I go get my nails done every two weeks is the perfect

43:50

time to do it this is when I go take a yoga

43:52

class but the truth is

43:54

he's not giving you any reason to want to

43:56

be his friend and he's using

43:58

your water so Do you live in an area?

44:01

Like is your bills expensive? I need to know more. So please

44:03

write back more. It's less than bills to me.

44:05

I'm more than this man being in my house on

44:07

a weekend for several hours. It

44:09

could be that and that's a little weird that your husband isn't

44:11

like caring. Like shouldn't

44:14

you guys be like having sex or something? Your

44:16

husband's like, yeah, come on by. But

44:18

sometimes if you have a neighbor that's elderly, like there

44:20

could be, it could outweigh

44:22

anything else. Like maybe this guy has no one else,

44:25

but you're annoyed because it's

44:27

like you have the money. So

44:30

either the guy is cheap or he has

44:32

no one else. And this is

44:35

his excuse. Because what you don't want to

44:37

do is be like Barry, you know, you don't need an

44:39

excuse. You just come over whenever he'll be like, great, let

44:41

me get my stupid bag. Let

44:44

us know. A little

44:48

behind the scenes info, the batteries died on the zoom.

44:51

So I had to put a new batteries just now.

44:53

And when you open up the back of the zoom, there's

44:56

a little button that says stamina and there's an arrow for

44:58

on and then the other way is off. It's just like

45:00

stamina on better up

45:02

the stamina for this second half of

45:04

the pod. Did you see?

45:08

Nobody's opinion means anything. Half the people were like,

45:10

yeah, that episode was hard to listen to with

45:12

the buzzing and have the people are like, I

45:14

didn't hear it at all. I don't know what

45:16

you're talking about. I'm like, how people are listening

45:18

to it in their big rigs on the

45:20

way to work. So they didn't hear it. It

45:22

was, I'm sorry. Turns

45:24

out I'm human. Okay, sorry. By

45:27

the way, have I said this to you before? When

45:29

really immature people argue and they're like, okay,

45:32

sorry, I'm not perfect. I'm like, has that

45:34

ever been the ask? No,

45:36

of anyone ever who's ever been like, thank

45:38

you for admitting that. Yeah, finally. Hi, Eliza,

45:44

Emily and co. I'm a

45:46

24 year old girl from Utah and I'm

45:48

writing in to ask how I should be

45:50

conducting myself socially, aka deal with men in

45:52

the local comedy space. For

45:55

a little context, I start going to open mics occasionally at

45:57

the beginning of 2021. But since I finished school, I've

46:00

had more time and I've been doing a few mics a

46:02

week for about eight months. Only in the

46:04

last two months have I really started making friends and

46:06

getting good feedback from the other comics that I'm improving

46:08

and that feels really good. I've made

46:10

friends with the female comics who are all wonderful

46:12

and supportive, but there's only a handful of us.

46:15

Hanging out with the guys, there's a lot of

46:17

jokes about bitches are crazy, women

46:19

aren't funny, usual BS. It's

46:21

always a quote joke, so I don't want to get

46:23

mad about it. But it feels weird

46:25

being the only girl present for these jokes and I

46:27

secretly feel called out or picked on, though I don't

46:30

let on and just laugh. This

46:32

wouldn't be so bad, but there's also the

46:34

unsolicited comments on my sexuality. I think because

46:36

I talk about sex and my material, people

46:39

think it's fair game to ask things like

46:41

would you fuck so and so or my

46:43

body count or dumb shit like that. I don't want

46:45

to flirt with these guys because I have a boyfriend

46:47

and that would be inappropriate. But even if I didn't

46:49

have a boyfriend, I don't want to date a comedian.

46:52

I don't like these jokes, but I also don't want

46:55

people to feel like they can't joke around with

46:58

me because roasting in banter is basically 80% of

47:01

all interactions. I'm also incentivized to

47:03

be friends with the males because they have connections.

47:05

They know the owner of the club, they run

47:07

the shows, etc. And I'm learning more and more

47:10

that to progress, you have to network and know

47:12

people and be persistent. So it'd be nice if

47:14

these guys liked me and wanted to help me

47:16

like I've seen them help each other. Unfortunately,

47:19

this is probably relevant. I'm cute,

47:21

not hot, but I have mondo

47:23

knockers. So these losers, Defo, want

47:26

to fuck me. I

47:28

dress to hide them, but it's impossible. Is

47:30

my nightmare. You just dyed them? I dress

47:32

to hide them, but it's impossible. Dye

47:35

or mondo knockers? One

47:38

purple. It's not feeling well. I've

47:40

always admired how you don't seem to view your

47:42

gender as an obstacle and you don't dwell in,

47:45

quote, the struggle of it all. But how do

47:47

I teach these men to treat me with respect

47:49

while still being a girl who can hang and

47:51

take a joke? Okay. Yes. Listen.

47:55

I was rewatching Hot Forever and finally got that Goodfellas

47:57

reference that made me laugh so hard. PPS Emily deathproof

47:59

is my favorite Tarantino movie too. I'm Sessa Zoe

48:01

Bell and I'm planning to watch her documentary soon. It's

48:04

a great documentary. You watch it. Yeah. Here in

48:06

Utah we just screened Goodfellas for the

48:08

first time. Yeah. Listen to me.

48:11

The answer is the fucking

48:14

funny. The answer is

48:16

be undeniable. That's

48:19

it. Yes. There

48:21

is networking. It's such a

48:23

disgusting word and

48:26

you do want other people to book you and be

48:28

cool about it. But if you

48:30

have heat on you, if you

48:32

put together, if you got a funny set, if

48:34

you're crushing, people will want to book

48:36

you. Yes. There is

48:39

always the chance that you don't

48:41

say the right thing to the right insecure

48:43

male comic and so they spread a rumor

48:46

or whatever but it all comes out on the

48:48

wash. It all comes

48:50

down to are you funny on stage?

48:52

Okay. Women, you're gonna be

48:54

under a harsh lens because you're a girl but

48:57

at the end of the day it doesn't matter. And

49:00

so many people worry about all of

49:02

these other metrics that matter

49:04

in a very small way but at the

49:06

end of the day there are plenty of

49:08

people in comedy who are horrible people that

49:11

you will still see on stage, that's still

49:13

toward the So Get Book because they're funny.

49:18

People want to hang out with comics that

49:20

are doing well. They want to hang out with comics

49:22

that hustle and they want to hang out with comics that are

49:24

nice. So I may have

49:26

made mistakes in my career. Maybe I should

49:28

have hung out more, whatever but or

49:30

maybe I, you know, there's a

49:32

billion what-ifs but at the end of the day I

49:34

know that like I'm nice to people. I

49:37

do my work and I leave. Is it always a good

49:39

idea to leave? Probably not. They

49:41

will want to respect you and they will

49:43

treat you with respect when you command respect

49:46

on stage. And

49:48

these guys that are asking you would you

49:50

fuck this guy? It's not a big deal. If

49:52

it makes you uncomfortable come up

49:54

with something funny to say, not my job to

49:56

tell you it's a funny thing to say, and walk away.

50:00

But you can always just be nice and

50:02

pleasant. Never forget these are broken men who

50:04

will gate keep. And as far as they

50:06

know the club owners, what is stopping you from

50:08

fucking knowing the owner of Wise Guys? Honestly,

50:11

what is stopping you from starting

50:13

your own show? Who

50:16

cares? And there might be a

50:18

bit of a small town mentality thing and it's like

50:20

they're in charge, but in the rest of the world,

50:23

in the rest of the United States, women are

50:25

running shows and a lot of clubs are owned

50:27

by women and run by women. So

50:29

I don't know where you live in Utah. Salt

50:32

Lake City has a scene obviously. There

50:36

is nothing legally stopping you

50:38

from going to one of your bars

50:40

that serves juice and

50:42

saying, I'd like to run a show here.

50:46

You can do comedy, you just gotta find the right

50:48

venue and then you just gotta work at it. This is

50:50

a, I

50:52

hate to say this to you, but I'm gonna

50:54

say it to you because I'm not gonna get canceled for it.

50:58

When I'm hearing from you and you're not

51:00

wrong for feeling this way, I

51:02

hear from a lot of women who are like,

51:04

then this is why I can't. Now you're not

51:07

saying this is why I can't, but you're listing

51:09

all of these obstacles. Spend

51:11

less time thinking about that and more time working

51:14

on your jokes. And that's so great that you get

51:16

up so much. These guys

51:18

that are bothering you in five years, if you're

51:20

still doing comedy, I bet you that they aren't. Get

51:23

a clip, work on your material

51:25

so that you can hire someone

51:28

to film it beautifully so that

51:30

you can put a clip online

51:32

that blows up and gets you

51:34

traction and gets you noticed by

51:36

someone. Work on going

51:39

to that club being like, can I

51:41

fill in for anyone ever? Nobody

51:43

ever actually wants to watch a tape. Work on

51:46

getting there and meeting that owner. You do not

51:48

need the permission of these male comics or any

51:50

comic. You

51:53

don't need anyone, that's what's so fucking great about

51:55

standup is you don't need anyone's permission to be

51:57

funny and work hard. It's a

51:59

total. Well, it's a 99% meritocracy. So

52:03

get out of your head, be nice to everyone,

52:06

say something funny back, because that's part of

52:09

your job, and quit thinking

52:11

that these guys hold the key to your future. You

52:13

will be faulted for not being

52:15

cool, and you will be faulted for being

52:18

successful. So you may as well work

52:20

hard and be successful, because at least at the end of the

52:22

day, you can cry into a pile of money. And

52:25

that's great that women are supportive, because it wasn't always like

52:27

that, and I'm finding more and more, the more I travel,

52:30

the more girls we put on these shows, and

52:32

I hope that they're including men. There's no reason to

52:34

make it like, only women. What

52:36

is that? You

52:38

worry about being funny. Worry about being undeniable on

52:40

stage, and the rest will fall into place. Don't

52:42

be a bitch, or do. That's

52:45

fine too, plenty of people are awful. Yeah.

52:48

We have a new segment on Ask Eliza

52:50

Anything. It's called Fight Me. Yeah!

52:53

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

52:56

Yeah! And

53:02

the gist of it is, you're gonna give an

53:04

opinion. And usually it's contrary

53:06

to a popular opinion. It

53:08

could be anything as tame as mittens, or inferior

53:10

to gloves, fight me all the way

53:12

up to, Beyonce's not

53:14

that great, fight me. We

53:17

ask that you substantiate it with

53:20

one or two lines. You don't have to give

53:22

like full context, but we're gonna ask that you

53:24

do it in a voice note, and

53:26

email it to the show, which is Ask

53:29

Eliza [email protected], email it in, and we will

53:31

play them on the show. And maybe I

53:33

will fight you, maybe I won't, but I'm gonna start,

53:36

because Emily was not prepared for this, so I'm gonna- I

53:39

need to first share that it feels like

53:41

this is the sponsored segment

53:43

for the Tastes Podcast. Like

53:46

this is my required, I'm sponsoring a

53:48

segment on your show, like when we

53:50

did those Bud Light Mini episodes. First

53:52

of all, I think you were just

53:54

accusing me of plagiarizing you. Not plagiarizing,

53:56

I'm saying that there's real marketing synergy

53:58

here. Okay,

54:01

synergy where like my podcast does all the work. Yes,

54:04

100%. So

54:08

it's fight me. So I'm going to kick it off with mine, even

54:10

though I told you about this days ago, so you had

54:12

all this time to repair and you're too busy fighting your

54:14

cat. Maybe yours is just your cat. Fight me. No.

54:18

Um, things

54:21

in the zeitgeist like

54:23

adventure awaits pins

54:26

and all that culture

54:29

around. Like Pacific Northwest, like

54:31

patches of like a

54:34

sunset, like all

54:36

the appropriation of nature,

54:38

culture, camp core, all

54:41

of this materialization of the vibe we

54:43

get from being out in nature, has

54:48

ruined bucolic gift

54:50

giving and the

54:52

quirkiness of small business

54:54

eccentricity. When you go

54:56

to places like Vermont or

54:59

Washington, like all these places that are

55:01

Sylvan and at

55:03

times rustic and are nature

55:05

heavy for their tourism, this

55:08

sort of, um,

55:10

millennial mama commodification

55:14

of camp

55:16

culture has, is

55:19

just so shitty and it's just made it

55:21

awful. Any picture of like

55:23

a Douglas fir with like sun rays coming

55:25

up behind it or like adventure

55:27

this way, I just

55:30

like arrows, like a light

55:32

appropriation of native American culture

55:34

mixed with camping. I

55:37

just, I'm

55:39

so over it. Is this just fight me?

55:41

Just the bottom of the cob with no

55:43

actual Titan real experience. Fight me is me

55:46

saying that this is not culture. It's

55:48

garbage. And now. And

55:50

it's not cool. And it never was cool. Fight

55:53

me. Yeah. Cause

55:55

there's plenty of people with like adventure awaits, pendants hanging

55:57

up in their office that are like, Oh. I

56:00

love Oregon. Well, then fucking love it. Put up

56:02

the state flag. You don't

56:04

need like everything. It's

56:07

all millennial garbage

56:09

adjacent, but fight me is that the

56:11

stuff was never cool and you made

56:13

being outdoors dorky. Okay.

56:18

Mine is I think kids should be bullied. Fight

56:20

me. I think they get weird.

56:22

I think if you have too much confidence, you're weird and

56:24

you see some of these kids and what they're posting and

56:27

their videos of themselves. And I'm like, you know what? Someone

56:29

needs to tell you that you're not cool. Someone

56:31

should. I shan't

56:34

fight you on that because I think there, you

56:36

can tell certain men that have never been

56:38

in a fight before because they're rude and

56:40

fucking snotty or

56:42

indignant, everybody should be taken down a peg once in

56:44

a while, just so you can have, you can be

56:46

a little bit humble. Right. I'm not saying,

56:49

look, if your kid was bullied, they took

56:52

their own life. Like I'm not saying

56:54

that I'm not saying maliciously bully a

56:56

child to the brink, but I am

56:58

saying be like, Hey man, you're,

57:01

you smell like a turd and you

57:04

shake a shower, like bully. Yeah, that's

57:06

not bully. I think there's

57:08

bullying and there's bullying. Like, okay, some kid wasn't

57:11

nice to you. Like we don't need to have a parent

57:13

teacher conference. I think the word bullying,

57:15

especially for adults, like once you're

57:17

over 18, there's no more bullying. Like

57:21

I got bullied at work. Like, come

57:23

on. Uh, that being said,

57:25

as someone who has done most of the bullying,

57:27

no, I guess I was never really bullied. I

57:29

had kids that weren't nice or whatever, but we

57:32

have to be able to draw a line

57:34

between like, what is going to like fundamentally

57:36

shift your genetic makeup and what is just

57:38

like not nice. Yeah. Yeah.

57:41

Yeah. And I think we should be not nice to

57:43

some children that are weird. Yeah. And

57:46

some adults, but I'm saying if you start it in

57:48

childhood, they won't be weird as adults and I won't

57:50

have to bully them. Let

57:52

your kids get even weirder. They

57:54

get even weirder and then they

57:57

have an app and then

57:59

they can never. actually find true

58:01

love because they have so much Bitcoin. Top

58:05

of the cob. It's the top of the cob. We're

58:07

doing it right. Every day. We just

58:09

take a bite. Top of the cob. My

58:11

bottom of the cob are the amount of people who don't know

58:13

you can make a right on red. That's

58:16

all. I

58:18

get that you came from a place that doesn't

58:20

have cars and you've never left your fucking

58:22

barn before or you're from New

58:24

York where they don't do right on red.

58:27

But here in the great state of California,

58:29

at least in Los Angeles, we do. So

58:31

look alive. You're fucking up traffic right

58:34

on red. What's your bottom of

58:36

the cob? My bottom of the cob is I got lost

58:38

in a mall. It was

58:40

too. It wasn't that you

58:42

were in a mall. That's not your bottom of the cob. No,

58:44

I stopped in. I was like, you know what? There's an FYE

58:46

here. I'm going to go look and see what's going on. What?

58:49

FYE. Oh, one of those. Look

58:51

at the movie. It's

58:54

like CDs for your entertainment. Right.

58:58

Oh, that's what that means. Yeah. It's like

59:00

a triangle logo. It might be. It's a

59:02

trailer circle. The letters and it's blue. Yeah.

59:06

Yeah. I never, I always thought it was like

59:08

a contact lens subscription store. I was trying to

59:10

cut around it. And as I got deeper into

59:13

the mall, there was like kids playing with airsoft

59:15

guns in one store where they had set up

59:17

like a fake field inside

59:19

a small store that had all glass

59:21

windows and other kids were like yelling

59:23

at them through the windows. There

59:26

was like people riding a little toy train.

59:28

It was just getting more and more. There's one room

59:30

that just said escape and there was like a cheap

59:32

looking escape room in there. And I was like, where

59:34

am I? And I sat down on a bench and

59:36

I called my mom and I was like, I'm lost

59:38

in the mall. Like I just couldn't.

59:40

There were no signs. There were no

59:42

directories. That's

59:44

how they. They want

59:46

you to get lost. Where is this mall? It

59:49

was this weird mall not close to me. I

59:51

went and had lunch with my friend and then

59:53

I went to the mall because it was right

59:55

there at Sugarloaf Mills and it was just like

59:57

old and like there's like a Dave and bust

1:00:00

there's probably keeping it alive. There's an AMC

1:00:02

that's keeping it alive. But then I got

1:00:04

too into the depths of it, where there's

1:00:06

stands that just sell cell phone charms or

1:00:08

knock off movie shoes and you're like, oh

1:00:10

no, where am I? And I just remember

1:00:12

sitting down like, I don't know how to

1:00:14

get out. So I kept going and

1:00:17

eventually I did find the exit, but I was just like, what

1:00:19

do you do? You

1:00:21

can't Google Maps it, I'm stuck. You

1:00:24

can't, it's like a star collapsing in on

1:00:27

itself, like a dying mall. There's

1:00:29

always like an African art store.

1:00:32

And then yeah, there's like a

1:00:35

lids. Two lids, there were two

1:00:37

lids, because I passed the lids. Then there was

1:00:39

a second lids and I was like, where am

1:00:41

I? They got a rate because they

1:00:43

were like, no one else will buy here. And there's so

1:00:45

many sizes of hats. There's always a

1:00:48

movie theater. Then there's always like

1:00:50

food that like smells good, like an Auntie

1:00:52

Anne's pretzels or like some kind of weird wrapped hot

1:00:54

dog in a bun. Yeah, some

1:00:58

sort of shoe place. It wouldn't, maybe a

1:01:00

Foot Locker if you're lucky, but it's usually

1:01:03

like they sell like Etnies, like stuff that's

1:01:05

like cool adjacent. You're like, are these classic

1:01:07

shoes cool? A real lesbian came out of

1:01:09

journeys with a bag of shoes, like crew

1:01:12

cut, you know, and I was like. Worst logo.

1:01:14

Yeah, come on. Was it a bob? No,

1:01:17

it was like a crew cut. I'm saying this person

1:01:19

was, if Kelly got this haircut, you'd be like Kelly,

1:01:21

no. Kelly, you

1:01:23

were at journeys buying sensible shoes. Right.

1:01:26

Fan Bottom. Fan Bottom, the

1:01:28

title is Hot Hot Bottom. Bottom

1:01:31

of the call has to be every single fan

1:01:33

asking, where is my city when a comedian goes

1:01:35

on tour? We get it. Who the fuck has

1:01:38

been Gary, Indiana? But I don't have any room

1:01:40

to complain when I live in Iowa. Shut up.

1:01:42

Your turn will come. And when it does sell

1:01:44

out the venue, and when it does sell out

1:01:46

the venue, so they know your market shows up,

1:01:49

all caps. There you go. That

1:01:51

being said, Des Moines, great

1:01:54

market. And it's not who's

1:01:56

in Gary, Indiana. It's what is just

1:01:58

outside of Gary, Indiana, the Hard Rock

1:02:00

Casino of Northern Indiana. So

1:02:03

that's why we're going there. It's not for

1:02:05

my love of the murder capital of this

1:02:07

country and Michael Jackson's home. My

1:02:11

top of the cob is animals

1:02:14

upsetting people. Oh,

1:02:17

and I think in

1:02:19

like, I posted a clip on my Instagram of

1:02:21

like this mall in China where they had like

1:02:24

a Husky cafe, which is insane.

1:02:27

And these Huskies broke loose. So going back

1:02:29

to your mall theme, it was just these

1:02:31

Huskies running wild through a mall and people

1:02:33

like losing their minds. Obviously they were speaking in Chinese frantically,

1:02:37

which was very funny, but just

1:02:39

trying to like get a grip on all these animals, which

1:02:41

shouldn't have been there, you know, I

1:02:43

don't want to see a pit bull mall someone

1:02:46

again with the mall play,

1:02:48

but I do like it when

1:02:50

like a whale attacks a boat,

1:02:54

anything where it's like people are acting irresponsibly

1:02:56

or you shouldn't have been there. I love when an

1:02:58

animal it's retribution, revenge,

1:03:02

or just like fucks, like when a deer comes crashing

1:03:04

through a door. We

1:03:07

don't give them enough space or respect. And I

1:03:10

get, I got to repair the doors. No money.

1:03:12

It's funny. It's always funny. It's always funny when

1:03:14

animals upset people because we are horrible to animals.

1:03:16

Did you see the deer that came through the

1:03:18

doggy door? Yes. Isn't

1:03:21

she like, get out of here. If you're

1:03:23

like, follow the dog in and like the dog was

1:03:25

inviting him for play time. Which I thought was so

1:03:27

sweet. And I get it. People get

1:03:29

upset. They're like, I live in an area where there's

1:03:31

too many deer. I don't fucking care. I

1:03:34

think it's funny. A crow eating your

1:03:36

picnic, a rat carrying

1:03:38

away your phone cord. Yeah.

1:03:41

I think it's funny. The

1:03:43

meat shall inherit the earth and in this

1:03:45

cake, the meek are the animals, especially beautiful

1:03:47

animals. Like a dolphin hitting

1:03:50

someone with their fin. I

1:03:52

don't even care if it kills the person messing

1:03:54

with animals. There are multiple videos of like

1:03:57

fat, like big old Tom cats that run

1:03:59

full speed. at babies and knock them

1:04:01

over. And it's like, yes. That's

1:04:04

a victimless crime. Yes. Because

1:04:06

the baby is so close to the ground,

1:04:08

he's fine. The cat's having a nice time.

1:04:10

Oh, God, what's the one

1:04:12

that's like a little girl and it's like a

1:04:15

seal, like grabs her and pulls her into the

1:04:17

water because you were agitating the animal. Like people

1:04:19

are like, Chris Rock has that joke,

1:04:21

like tiger didn't go crazy. The tiger went tiger.

1:04:23

Yeah. Fucking respect animals. Don't make

1:04:25

them do dumb tricks. Trying

1:04:28

to take a selfie with a bear, you fucking

1:04:30

idiot. I hope a moose runs over your car.

1:04:33

Yeah. Get out of there. Yeah.

1:04:36

Uh, see animals where you're supposed to see them

1:04:38

at the grocery store. My

1:04:42

top of the cop is when you go

1:04:44

to text someone and they text you at

1:04:46

the exact same moment, just like

1:04:48

out of the blue, like not like you were both talking about

1:04:50

the same thing, but you're like, Oh, I got to tell them

1:04:52

this thing. And then they're there too. You're like, whoa,

1:04:55

we're both here. In

1:04:58

this text, sexual kismet. Yeah. I

1:05:00

like that. The fan top of the cob

1:05:02

fits with yours. Hello lies.

1:05:04

And Emily loved all the creatures and humans

1:05:07

too many to list at this point. My

1:05:09

top of the cob is dog falls. S

1:05:12

I G H S every night I go to

1:05:14

bed before my dog. He usually wanders in 20

1:05:16

minutes or so after it lays long ways in

1:05:18

between my husband and I and less out the

1:05:20

sweetest. I am so content to be in between

1:05:22

my favorite people in the world size. Like

1:05:25

all is right in his world with that

1:05:27

side. And it makes me so happy. And

1:05:29

then there's a photo meet Otis, the 75

1:05:31

pound pit mix who takes up the most

1:05:33

space in my bed and my heart. A

1:05:35

dog. That's a great top of the cob.

1:05:37

Yeah. Just looking over and seeing how

1:05:39

peaceful they are when they're near you just makes

1:05:41

you feel like you've done something right. Yeah.

1:05:44

Because I haven't like totally raised my kids yet. So we don't

1:05:46

know, but I know that I've given this dog a great life.

1:05:49

We don't know. We don't

1:05:51

know. We don't know. I

1:05:53

will continue my struggle to balance being

1:05:56

a good mom who is obsessed with

1:05:58

her kids but doesn't talk about them too much. I think I'm doing

1:06:00

okay. We don't want this to become the mom podcast.

1:06:02

Even though plenty of women listening

1:06:04

to this, our moms, plenty of dads, plenty

1:06:06

of women who are dads, but we

1:06:09

got other things to talk about.

1:06:11

And one of those things is that the tickets for

1:06:13

my tour are on sale. Very excited to

1:06:16

get back out there. And don't

1:06:19

wait an exciting amount. No, disclaimer.

1:06:21

Don't buy them from a weird

1:06:23

third-party website. Don't Google my guys.

1:06:25

The tickets go to eliza.com/tour. Do

1:06:27

not Google. When I Google Eliza,

1:06:30

Atlanta, or whatever, there's 15 sites

1:06:32

that come up before the real site. Don't fall for

1:06:34

it. Listen to me. Yeah, like

1:06:36

there is a website that I flagged

1:06:39

with social media today or last week

1:06:41

called Eliza Schlesinger Tour. And it

1:06:43

goes to my site and everything, but you are

1:06:45

buying tickets from someone else. Could be a scam.

1:06:47

Could just be that you're paying too much. So go

1:06:51

to eliza.com slash

1:06:54

tour. And the link is on my Instagram. That's

1:06:56

how you know it's real. Yes, just be careful.

1:06:58

And this is for any comic, anything. Just be

1:07:00

careful. If you have to search for the link

1:07:03

after you get to a Google page, chances are

1:07:05

that's not the link. If you're getting them at

1:07:07

a crazy deal, that's not the link. And if

1:07:10

you're paying like $400 a ticket, that's not the

1:07:12

link. I would love for

1:07:14

you to pay $400 a ticket. And

1:07:16

we have a very special announcement that should be

1:07:18

coming out this Wednesday when this comes out. So

1:07:20

you get a two for one. You get special

1:07:23

announcement and you get the podcast. The

1:07:26

longest field goal ever attempted is 76 yards.

1:07:38

The longest field goal ever missed

1:07:43

also 76 yards. Why bring

1:07:45

this up? Because knowing your

1:07:47

limits matters both when you're picking a field

1:07:49

goal and when you gamble. Nothing

1:07:52

more than you're comfortable with is like trying a

1:07:54

70 yard field goal. It probably won't go well.

1:07:56

Always settle in it when you gamble and stick to it.

1:07:58

Want more helpful tips? Go to keep

1:08:01

it fun Ohio comm for games quizzes and lots of

1:08:03

ways to keep your gambling from getting out of hand

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