0:00

I cannot believe

0:02

that I'm making this episode. I

0:05

really can't believe it. When I

0:07

deleted TikTok two or three years ago

0:09

now, I truly believed in my

0:11

core that I would never, in

0:14

a million years, redownload the app. And

0:16

now here I am redownloading

0:18

the app. I know, it's shocking

0:22

to me too. And I do

0:24

feel a little bit hypocritical in a way because

0:26

I made such a stink about deleting

0:28

the app and damning it as being evil.

0:32

And there's a part of me that's a little

0:34

uncomfortable with the decision I've

0:36

made to go back on the app. I

0:39

feel maybe a little bit

0:41

spineless, maybe a little bit irrational

0:45

for initially deleting

0:47

it and damning it to hell as I did.

0:50

I feel a little bit embarrassed, I think,

0:53

about sort of going back on my

0:55

word. But I am. You

0:57

know what, it might get banned next week anyway,

1:00

and then it's all good. I guess

1:02

I'm not on TikTok anymore. I guess no one is. But

1:04

as it stands now, TikTok still exists.

1:07

And I will be redownloading it

1:10

on my phone. In fact, I haven't redownloaded

1:12

it yet, but I'm going to redownload

1:14

it right now. And I'm gonna do it with you here

1:18

so we can share this moment together. It's

1:22

on my phone again. What a

1:25

weird feeling. This episode is presented

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start from the beginning, actually. Let's discuss

2:54

why I deleted TikTok in the first

2:56

place because I think it's important

2:58

to go back down memory lane. So I

3:01

was on TikTok, I think

3:03

starting in like 2019, and

3:06

I was initially hesitant to get on

3:08

the platform because prior to it

3:10

being TikTok, as we all know, it was Musically, which was

3:13

an app where people just lip synced to

3:15

music. And I personally found

3:17

that cringe, which in retrospect is

3:19

mean. It's like, if people want to lip sync, people

3:21

can lip sync. It's like, have fun, do whatever you

3:24

want with your life and with your content. But

3:26

as a moody 19 year

3:29

old, I was like, no, that's cringe. Then

3:31

Musically turned into TikTok, and

3:34

I was late to get on the

3:36

platform because I was like, no, this is

3:39

too cringe for me. I don't want to do this. But

3:42

then eventually, it became this inevitable

3:44

platform. It

3:47

was like everybody was on TikTok. People

3:49

were blowing up on TikTok and it took on

3:51

a new life. It was less

3:54

about lip syncing and more just about short

3:56

form video content, I guess. And

3:58

I... ironically ended up

4:01

going on TikTok and making incredibly cringy

4:03

videos. In 2020 when everybody was doing

4:05

the dances, okay, it was like

4:08

the renegade, it was like Doja Cat

4:10

Say So dancing. I did all of

4:12

those and while

4:14

watching those back hurts my

4:17

soul. Yep, that's a tough one. Very

4:20

cringe. And my entire sort of

4:22

TikTok experience from

4:24

say 2019 to like 2021, I

4:30

don't remember exactly when I deleted it. I

4:32

didn't really take TikTok very seriously. I

4:34

didn't make high quality sort of

4:37

content on there. I would dance a little

4:39

bit. That was about it. I

4:41

really didn't do much on

4:43

TikTok because it wasn't

4:46

really creatively inspiring to me. For

4:48

a long time, I was only

4:50

creatively inspired by long form

4:53

video content, which, you know, YouTube videos.

4:56

And so I preferred to put my

4:58

elbow grease into those videos. I was like,

5:00

why would I put effort into TikTok? It

5:02

just seems pointless to me. And I'm not

5:04

really inspired by it anyway. Like,

5:06

I don't even know how I would up

5:09

my game on TikTok, even if I

5:11

wanted to. So this is just

5:13

going to remain a casual, non-important

5:15

platform for me. So that was sort of

5:17

my relationship to TikTok. If anything, the

5:20

more significant piece of my relationship to

5:22

TikTok was me consuming TikTok. I

5:25

consumed TikTok far more

5:27

than I created TikToks, right? And

5:30

that very quickly became damaging for

5:32

me. My algorithm, I swear to

5:34

fucking God, became borderline

5:36

evil. OK, I

5:38

was getting videos constantly that were

5:41

about me, sometimes

5:43

positive and sometimes very negative. I was

5:46

getting a lot of toxic content

5:49

that I won't go into detail,

5:51

but was very promotional of

5:54

beauty standards in a way that was very toxic

5:56

for my brain. And also I

5:58

was just in general a dick. to the short

6:01

form content. I remember being

6:03

at the gym and walking on the treadmill

6:05

and just scrolling on TikTok for like 30 minutes.

6:08

I remember laying in bed

6:10

for five hours at the end of the

6:12

day just watching TikToks. I was wasting an

6:15

insane amount of time consuming content on

6:17

there. And so it was sort of this

6:20

double evil, it

6:22

seems. Not only was the

6:24

content I was being fed toxic for my consumption,

6:27

but also I was consuming unhealthy

6:29

amounts of it, like extremely

6:32

unhealthy amounts of it. And

6:34

it wasn't like all the content was bad. Some stuff would

6:36

make me laugh. Some stuff would make me think. There

6:40

was some good shit on there. And that's what kept

6:42

me going. But I eventually got to

6:44

a point where I was like, this

6:46

app is ruining my life. I'm

6:49

rotting my brain on here.

6:51

I'm so addicted to it. And

6:54

the type of content that

6:56

I'm being fed is just negative.

6:58

It's negative. It went even

7:01

beyond the content being mean about me

7:03

or the content being about beauty standards.

7:05

It was negative even

7:07

beyond that, whether it was fear

7:09

mongering or anxiety-ridden

7:12

sort of stories

7:14

or opinions or

7:16

conspiracies, sad videos, videos of

7:18

people getting hurt. Like, I don't know. I

7:21

felt like my algorithm was just feeding me shit

7:24

constantly that was making

7:27

my brain a poisonous place.

7:29

And I think that's toxic

7:32

on its own. But I also think being a public

7:34

figure is even more challenging

7:36

maybe in some ways existing

7:39

on these platforms. Because, yeah, it's

7:41

just sort of open season. People can

7:43

make videos about you, comment on

7:46

your shit freely. And

7:48

you're going to see it. And

7:51

depending on the culture of the platform, that can

7:53

get really bad. And at the

7:55

time that I was on TikTok, the

7:58

culture of TikTok seemed to be very negative. toxic.

8:00

Now, it's dumb and

8:03

short-sighted to make a blanket statement

8:05

about a platform like that because

8:08

it's so big, it's bigger than

8:10

all of us. It's like as big as the

8:12

world. So depending

8:14

on what algorithm you have

8:16

and what corner of the internet you

8:18

find yourself in, it can be

8:20

completely different for you than it is to the next

8:22

person. I was very short-sighted about

8:25

it in the moment and believed

8:27

that my experience was

8:30

the only experience to have,

8:32

this sort of negative experience.

8:34

I just damned the platform

8:36

to hell. I was like, I can't do this

8:39

anymore. This is actually a source

8:41

of evil. I must get off of

8:43

it. But I also think too,

8:46

I didn't really respect the platform as

8:48

a whole. I think probably because

8:50

societally it was frowned upon. Social

8:53

media in general is frowned upon in a

8:56

lot of ways. Being called

8:59

a TikToker was not

9:02

usually a positive description

9:05

of a person. It

9:08

didn't have an air of

9:11

elegance, that's for sure. I

9:14

think that that made me disrespect

9:16

the platform in a way. I was like, nah,

9:18

I don't fuck with this. It's

9:21

not cool. It's not elegant.

9:23

It's not beautiful. It's not

9:25

creative. It's just a

9:27

bunch of junk food. That's sort of the

9:30

way I looked at it. Even though I

9:32

knew of TikTokers, and

9:35

I had seen many TikToks that were

9:37

incredibly creative and incredibly cool, but

9:40

the platform as a whole to me had a bad taste

9:42

in my mouth. I think because

9:45

of the way that societally we

9:47

tend to look down upon

9:50

platforms when they're

9:52

developing. It sort of reminds me

9:54

of YouTube. When I first

9:57

started YouTube, being a YouTuber was

9:59

not cool. It was

10:01

starting to be cool, but it was not quite cool

10:03

yet. It was still kind of

10:05

embarrassing. It was not something

10:07

that was considered elevated or elegant. It

10:11

felt like junk food. What was

10:14

more respected was to be a singer

10:16

or an actress or a

10:19

fashion designer. All of these jobs

10:21

that are in the public eye that

10:23

have history are the ones that

10:25

are considered to be elevated. Whereas being a YouTuber,

10:27

it's like, what the fuck are you doing? This

10:30

is not art. This is not creative.

10:32

This is not valid entertainment. This

10:34

is just junk. And

10:37

then slowly but surely, as YouTube

10:39

became more of a fundamental part

10:42

of our everyday lives, we all

10:44

grew respect for it. And now

10:46

being a YouTuber is

10:49

not really frowned upon as much anymore.

10:52

There's a lot more respect to that.

10:55

And I think the same thing is happening with

10:57

TikTok where it's like, okay, well, now it's such

10:59

a fundamental part of our day-to-day lives. It's

11:02

harder to not put it

11:04

up on a pedestal in a way. But

11:06

at the time that I was on

11:08

TikTok a few years ago, it still was not. It

11:11

was very much not a platform that

11:13

had a lot of respect, I would say, at least

11:16

in my circles or in my

11:19

world. And so that also made me

11:22

sort of excited to get off of it. I

11:24

felt like it was cooler to not be on it. It was being

11:27

ahead of the curve to not be on it. And

11:30

I also think, you know, my final sort of

11:33

feeling about TikTok at that

11:35

time was that I was

11:37

very, again, short-form

11:39

content. I had built

11:42

my career on YouTube, which is longer-form

11:44

content, you know, usually 10 minutes or

11:46

longer. And to me, short-form

11:49

content was like pointless. I was

11:51

like, what are you going to, what kind of story are

11:53

you going to be able to tell in one minute? How

11:56

Are you going to connect with an audience in

11:58

any way? One minute interest

12:00

to me felt. Pointless. Which.

12:03

Has. Changed. My opinion

12:05

since. but. That was the way

12:07

that I felt at the time. So. That's

12:09

why I initially left. It was this. Cluster.

12:12

Fuck have all these different. Negative

12:15

opinions and feelings about tic toc

12:17

but I think. It came

12:20

at a. Complicated. Time as

12:22

well because with also struggling with

12:24

my career on social media in

12:26

general I think and I have

12:28

been for years because I sorta

12:30

had this golden era. Where

12:32

is easy? sunny? You

12:34

know I was young. I. Was excited.

12:37

And. Things. Weren't really big

12:39

yet. nobody really knew me like he

12:42

was still really small. and it was.

12:44

Such. A different time for me. To

12:47

be creating content. Because.

12:50

There wasn't as much pressure. I

12:52

wasn't over thinking anything. The

12:54

negativity hadn't really started to roll and yet.

12:57

There was still sort of under the radar. And

12:59

in the beginning you don't really get any

13:01

hate or scrutiny or anything. you're able to.

13:04

Get. Away with. Having it as a

13:06

career and not. Getting. that sort

13:08

of back last I guess. But.

13:10

Once you reach a certain point in

13:13

your visible enough that inevitably comes. And.

13:17

I think the second bet. It became

13:19

really real that. I.

13:21

Was a public figure. And. This.

13:24

Is something that I'm doing is working

13:26

and this is real. I think.

13:28

It inevitably subs with my head.

13:31

In. Numerous ways. Number.

13:34

One. I got into this

13:36

sort of content hamster wheel were was like you

13:39

need to film everything I need to take six

13:41

years of everything, I need to document everything and

13:43

I need to pose as much fucking contents as

13:45

they possibly can. And the problem

13:47

with that was. It was so extreme

13:49

and it was so all consuming than I

13:52

did not have a life outside of internet.

13:54

It felt like I didn't have an identity

13:56

outside of the internet. It felt like I

13:58

lost myself in. Being a public

14:01

figure and away and. A

14:03

missile. Line my soccer as in a

14:05

way like I you know, like it. Was.

14:08

Not healthy for me. I did not

14:10

have. A social media life

14:12

balance at all. And

14:15

I was sort of addicted to the hamster wheel. In

14:17

a way. And. It

14:20

was detrimental for me because. It

14:22

was slowly but surely making me really

14:24

unhappy. And depressed and I

14:27

felt like bullets. The point of my life

14:29

is all that is just online. Like I don't

14:31

even have a real life. What is my real

14:33

life? Who am I? What is my real identity

14:35

and. Being somebody who gets depressed

14:38

that made me kind of depends. Okay, understandably

14:40

So right? It's like. I. Started

14:42

to develop this sort of nihilism that

14:44

like my life doesn't exist in a

14:46

way outside of. The. Internet.

14:49

My. Identity doesn't exist outside of the internet. Without it.

14:51

I don't even know what I am, who I am.

14:54

So. Why the fuck am I even hear? What's.

14:56

The point of that? I don't get any of

14:58

it to myself. I. Am also like I was

15:00

abusing myself in a way like. Not

15:02

allowing myself to have anything

15:05

to myself and. All.

15:07

That gave me sort of a depressive

15:09

identity crisis and I was a really

15:11

big challenge for me for a long

15:13

time for last year's really. Spin.

15:16

A really challenging thing to figure out.

15:18

Like how do I strike this balance?

15:21

That. Allows me to maintain a

15:23

level of. Sanity.

15:25

I guess you know. Because.

15:27

I don't want to start. But. I

15:29

also can't keep going on like this

15:31

because it's not working for me psychologically

15:33

like I cannot maintain his lifestyle. Of

15:36

of. Filming. Ending Voters

15:38

of absolutely every single thing that I do

15:40

this episode is brought You Buy Waller. I

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love the springtime. It's. a great

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17:11

Emma. I also think that as

17:14

I started to grow up, I started

17:16

to develop these sort

17:18

of limiting beliefs about what

17:20

my content on the

17:23

internet should be. And I

17:25

think a lot of this stems from my own

17:27

imposter syndrome. Feeling like I

17:29

don't deserve the career that I have.

17:31

I don't deserve the recognition that I

17:33

have. I don't deserve the people who

17:35

support me because I'm not doing enough.

17:38

What the fuck am I doing? I'm just talking

17:41

and hanging out on the internet. I'm

17:43

not a doctor. I'm not

17:45

a therapist. I'm not... What

17:47

am I? I'm just a normal person

17:50

just posting on the internet. I started

17:52

to struggle with that reality. And

17:54

I started to feel like, oh, I need to be

17:56

doing more then. I need to make

17:58

things more impactful. I can't... make

18:00

something that serves no purpose. In

18:03

retrospect, I understand that entertainment

18:05

is entertainment, and having

18:08

a virtual friend is

18:10

incredibly powerful. I

18:13

now, in retrospect, understand that

18:15

I didn't need to be doing more, and

18:18

that that was my imposter syndrome getting

18:20

the best of me. But in the moment,

18:22

it was like, no, I need to make my

18:24

videos more creative, and I need to make my

18:27

podcast more insightful, and I need to do all

18:29

of these things, and I need to make my

18:31

Instagram more, you know, like I need to be

18:33

more creative and come up with, you know, cooler

18:35

concepts for Instagram posts and things like this. I

18:37

started to take it so seriously, and

18:40

it ended up sort

18:42

of paralyzing me in a way where I wasn't, I

18:45

constantly felt like the content I was creating wasn't enough. It wasn't

18:47

creative enough. It wasn't impactful

18:49

enough. It wasn't cool

18:51

enough. It wasn't inspiring enough. And

18:54

I lost track of why I even

18:56

like doing this. It's because I like talking

18:59

to people about God knows what,

19:01

and it doesn't fucking matter what it is. But

19:04

I lost track of that, trying to give what I'm

19:06

doing more purpose, but it's like, no,

19:09

if anything, ironically, that was actually giving

19:11

it less purpose. It lost its purpose

19:13

in that pursuit of trying

19:15

to deepen things. Ironically,

19:18

it made things even less deep, and

19:20

it made things actually less impactful, I think, as well.

19:23

But I also think that something that came

19:25

with it becoming a

19:27

reality that I'm a public figure

19:29

was this newfound fear of

19:32

scrutiny, sort of this fear

19:34

of cancel culture, I think, because to be

19:37

a public figure is to at

19:39

times be burned at the stake. And

19:41

sometimes it's for decent enough reasons.

19:43

Sometimes it's blown out of proportion probably beyond

19:46

what it needed to be. Sometimes

19:48

not, though. Sometimes it's fair. So

19:50

I won't take that away from cancel culture. There

19:52

are moments when maybe this person

19:54

isn't so good, and maybe we should

19:56

not be consuming content from them.

19:58

Fair enough. Sometimes things

20:00

are taken too far and maybe somebody

20:03

did make a mistake, but it's their

20:05

punishment doesn't seem to match their their

20:07

offense and at times that that absolutely

20:09

happens. Sometimes something completely fabricated. It can

20:12

be completely false and somebody

20:14

can get cancelled based on something that is not

20:16

even real. But with all

20:18

things that were created for

20:20

a progressive reason as

20:22

a good reason such as cancel

20:25

culture, it can sometimes maybe

20:27

overcorrect in a way at times. And I think

20:29

we did get to a point where that was the case

20:32

in some scenarios, right? And I think that

20:34

that incited a lot of fear

20:36

in me not because I

20:38

am hiding something, but because I started

20:41

to feel like, okay, I

20:43

really cannot make any mistake because

20:46

anything and everything will be blown out of

20:48

proportion, twisted, you know, blah, blah, blah. It's

20:50

the name of the game now. It's different. There's

20:53

less room, I think, for forgiveness now than there

20:55

once was. I felt that way. And

20:57

that really fucked with my

20:59

head. And I'm not complaining.

21:02

I'm not the victim of this, okay? Like this is I'm

21:04

not trying to like scream

21:06

and cry and call myself a victim. I'm just

21:08

stating the facts here. It was really frightening for

21:10

me. And it's still really frightening for me. And

21:13

it prevented me from wanting to say anything.

21:16

I didn't want to say anything because I was so

21:18

afraid of like, can I make

21:20

fun of myself even? I don't know where

21:22

the line is. I sort of became

21:24

like my own publicist in a way where it

21:26

was like, oh, I can't say

21:28

that because if I say that, then it'll

21:30

be turned into this. Like, and it was

21:32

irrational because it's like the things that I

21:34

was I was censoring myself to a level and

21:37

I have been censoring myself to a level that

21:39

is just unnecessary. It's

21:42

like, you got to say

21:44

something, but I've been so afraid for

21:46

the last few years to

21:49

fully just be free

21:51

and feel free because

21:54

of the tense nature

21:56

of the internet and the hunger for drama

21:58

and for... character assassination when it

22:01

comes to public figures that it's just been a scary

22:03

time to be on the internet for me and Yeah,

22:06

that's just been something that's been

22:08

very overwhelming for me. But I

22:10

think last but not least I was

22:12

surrounding myself with certain people Who

22:17

were not conducive

22:19

to me Not

22:22

only being myself but also

22:25

pursuing The

22:27

career that I've worked hard to

22:30

build because

22:33

I'll have some people around me for a period

22:36

of time that Number

22:39

one did not like

22:41

me for me. Okay, I

22:44

have a very you know loud At

22:47

times not as much anymore but still

22:50

I can be loud and talkative

22:52

and outgoing and silly and Okay,

22:56

that's great good for me Yeah, but

22:58

there were people around me who did not like

23:00

my my soul people

23:02

who are very close to me right

23:05

and When you have people like

23:07

that very close to you in your close circle Who

23:10

don't like you when you're being your truest

23:12

self. It's incredibly

23:14

damaging and I I

23:18

loved these people who Did

23:22

not like me for who I was So

23:25

much that I was like, you know what? I'd

23:27

rather Change myself in

23:29

a way and mold to fit what they

23:32

want me to be instead

23:34

of just saying take what you get

23:36

or Get out, you know, like

23:38

you get what you get and you don't be upset. I

23:41

didn't have that mindset I was like, no, I love

23:43

these people so much I want them to be in

23:45

my life and and they don't like when I'm really

23:47

outgoing. They don't like when I'm having fun They

23:50

think it's annoying. So I became a

23:52

shell of a person for a long time

23:54

and That's happening

23:57

at the same time as all these other challenges,

23:59

right? There's people in my life

24:01

who just do not love me for

24:03

who I am. And

24:06

that makes you overthink every single thing that you do. How

24:09

the fuck are you supposed to turn on a camera or

24:11

turn on a microphone and be

24:14

yourself when there are people at home, people

24:16

in your world, people in your circle who do

24:19

not like you for you? There's already

24:21

a fuck ton of that on the internet, okay?

24:23

I got enough of that on the internet. People who

24:25

think I'm annoying, people who think, who

24:28

don't agree with, I don't know, like what

24:30

I think about fashion or people who don't, who

24:33

think I'm ugly or like, it doesn't matter. But

24:35

it's like, there are enough people who do not like me. That

24:38

is an inevitable part about being a public figure on the

24:40

internet. But to have

24:42

one of those people sneakily in

24:44

your orbit, in your personal orbit,

24:46

absolutely not. And that's what I

24:48

had. I had that for a long time. And you know what? It

24:51

was more than that. It was also people who did

24:54

not respect my career, who

24:57

did not respect YouTube, who

24:59

did not respect having a podcast, who

25:01

did not respect, you know, being

25:03

on TikTok, being on Instagram, who thought

25:05

that that stuff wasn't cool, people who thought that that wasn't

25:08

cool. It's cooler to reject all

25:10

that. And I understand and

25:12

I agree with that to an extent. I do believe

25:14

that like, it can be fucking

25:16

badass and healthy and awesome to not be

25:18

on social media. But it's also like, social

25:21

media is my medium for

25:24

doing what I'm passionate about, which is

25:26

fucking talking to people. Where the

25:29

hell else am I supposed to do it? So

25:32

I had the wrong people around me as well. And

25:34

it was really at a bad time. And

25:36

it was sort of like this catch 22, where

25:38

it was like, having this

25:40

sort of identity crisis and

25:43

fear surrounding my career on

25:45

the internet was bringing me down. But

25:47

it was frustrating to me because I was like, God, I

25:49

need to be doing more. But like, I just can't like

25:51

I have a mental block. And that made me overall a

25:53

shell of a person. Right? And I think

25:56

that was a positive dilemma, that challenge being

25:58

like, I want to post, I want to be president. and

26:00

I want to be doing all this, but it's just like, I don't know

26:02

how to make it feel right. That made me

26:04

very sad in a shell of a person. But then on

26:06

the other side of things, my personal

26:08

life, the people that I was surrounding myself with were

26:10

also turning me into a fucking shell of a person.

26:12

So now we have me, even more

26:15

of a shell of a person, I can't go

26:17

and address my identity crisis and

26:19

my fear of the internet when I have people

26:21

who do not love me for me and who

26:23

do not fully support me. I can't do that.

26:25

I can't address that. But

26:27

then I also was struggling to address the

26:30

people in my life who were bringing me down because it was

26:32

like, I don't have the strength to

26:34

go do that because I'm so weak from

26:37

feeling unfulfilled by

26:40

my career and not understanding how

26:42

to get it to a place that feels good. So

26:44

it was sort of this thing where I was like,

26:46

I could not fucking get myself out of it and

26:48

I tried different things. I tried so many things. I

26:51

tried a thousand things. And

26:53

it's been a really big challenge for me. And

26:55

it's taken a lot of time. And for fuck's

26:58

sake, is there a pressure when you

27:00

have a career on the internet to not take your

27:02

time? Like there's a fire under

27:04

the ass of all who are public figures

27:06

to never disappear, to never be

27:09

confused, to never make mistakes, to

27:11

never like have a moment where

27:13

you're not feeding the beast

27:16

that is the internet. You

27:18

know what I mean? The beautiful

27:20

beast, shall I say, but the

27:22

beast. Now, I

27:24

broke the cycle mainly

27:26

by shedding the people

27:28

who, that was the first

27:30

step, I think, for me, was shedding

27:32

people in my life that did not

27:35

truly support me.

27:38

Shed people who judged me, who

27:41

made me feel uncertain in what

27:44

I'm doing and not for a

27:46

good reason, like not for like a valid reason.

27:49

Like it's one thing if somebody in your life is like,

27:51

yeah, maybe you shouldn't do something like

27:53

that because it's damaging to you or it's damaging to others

27:55

or it's disrespectful

27:58

or something like, yeah, that's one thing. But

28:01

if what you're doing is harmless and you

28:03

enjoy doing it and someone's judging

28:05

you for that, that's not somebody that

28:07

you should have around. No. No.

28:11

And it really started with

28:14

getting rid of that energy out of my

28:16

life and replacing that

28:18

energy with people who genuinely

28:20

respect me and respect what I do.

28:22

And I choked up thinking about it

28:25

because all it takes

28:27

is like one or two bad apples to

28:30

fuck with your head and

28:32

turn you into a shell of a person, make you

28:34

insecure, make you... You cannot have

28:37

people in your fucking direct orbit who

28:40

do not believe in you, who do not respect

28:42

you, who judge you. You cannot have people like that around

28:44

you. And you can love them, but

28:46

it doesn't matter. It will ruin you. And

28:49

it ruined me for a long time and I didn't

28:51

even realize it was happening. As with most things, you

28:54

don't realize it till it's gone. This episode

28:56

is brought to you by Bumble. When you

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Download Bumble today. This episode is brought to

29:24

you by BetterHelp. Take a minute to

29:26

check your social battery. How's it doing?

29:29

Does the thought of social events make you feel

29:31

excited or exhausted? To be honest,

29:33

my social battery is horrible

29:35

right now. I am

29:37

running on empty. I want to be alone for

29:39

a whole week straight and see no one and

29:42

talk to no one. I think I've overbooked myself

29:44

a little bit and so I'm feeling

29:46

very drained. And hey, maybe you thrive around

29:48

people or maybe you need more time alone.

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Either way, therapy can give you the self-awareness to

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That's betterhelphglp.com/anything. I

30:25

also think that I'm somebody who

30:28

tends to make final decisions, okay?

30:31

Like when I end a

30:33

relationship, for example, platonic or romantic,

30:35

I like that decision to be final. No

30:38

take backs. It's done. When

30:40

I, you know, say, okay,

30:43

I'm no longer going to go

30:46

out on the weekdays, okay? That

30:48

is a choice that I'm making no

30:50

exceptions. I'm very final with my choices

30:53

because for me, it simplifies things

30:55

a little bit. It's like now

30:57

I'm clearing up more brain space to sort of

31:00

figure out more important

31:03

things. If I have a sort of like a half

31:05

choice that I made lingering in my peripheral,

31:09

it will clutter my brain. I can't handle

31:11

it. And I did that with TikTok. I

31:13

was like, I'm deleting this and I'm never fucking

31:15

re-downloading it and this does not exist in my

31:18

world anymore. I'm done. And

31:20

I made this very final decision because that's how I tend to

31:22

do things. Now I'm working on that

31:24

because I've noticed that a decision can be

31:27

final for now, right? You can say

31:29

for the indefinite future, this is a

31:31

final decision. But if my

31:33

mind changes down the line, that's okay.

31:35

That's not a failure. There's nothing wrong with that.

31:37

But I think that my problem

31:39

has been sort of my

31:42

stubbornness about the finality of things. And

31:45

I think that that's why I've refused

31:48

to even analyze like, hey, is there a

31:50

world where I go back on TikTok, maybe

31:53

the issue was not TikTok as

31:55

a platform. And there was an issue with me personally in

31:57

the way that I was using the platform. Like I refused

31:59

to do that. I used to even look there because I was like,

32:01

no, I'm done. I made my decision and I'm done. But

32:04

more recently, I've become

32:07

more intrigued with short form content because I've been

32:09

consuming a lot of it because

32:11

I watch reels and YouTube shorts. I don't

32:13

watch TikTok exactly, but I watch things

32:15

that are quite literally reposted from

32:17

TikTok to other platforms. I'm very

32:19

much consuming TikTok like content.

32:21

And I've recently sort of had this inspiration. Like,

32:24

you know, I kind of want to make short

32:26

form content. Now I was like, maybe I'll dabble

32:28

in that. Like that could be something that could

32:30

be fun for me for many reasons. But

32:32

I was like, but I won't go back on TikTok because

32:35

I've made that decision and I'm never going back. And

32:38

I felt that way for a long time until

32:40

I sort of had an epiphany a few

32:42

days ago where I was like, you know what? Fuck

32:44

that. Fuck that. Okay.

32:48

If I want to make short form content, because that's something I genuinely

32:50

am interested in doing and I think it would be fun for me.

32:53

And I have some ideas that are like

32:55

maybe, you know, that feel exciting to me. If

32:57

that's something that is intriguing me and I want to start

33:00

dedicating time to that in my life, it's

33:02

just stupid not to involve

33:04

the largest short form content

33:07

platform that exists. So I've

33:09

decided that I'm going back to TikTok and

33:11

here's why I want

33:13

to come back. Okay. Number one, I think I've

33:16

solved or gotten

33:19

really close to solving a lot of

33:21

my prior issues with social media. I've

33:24

already sort of touched on this, but number

33:26

one, I feel. Far more

33:28

solid in my identity as I've grown up and

33:30

stabilized. I started on the internet at age 16

33:32

and I'm 22 now and from ages like 16

33:35

to 20, there

33:41

was so much growing going on. I was

33:43

a mess as we all

33:45

are in that time. It's so turbulent. There's

33:47

so many changes. There are so many epiphanies.

33:49

There are so many morphing

33:52

opinions and morphing beliefs and morphing

33:54

like morals and values, and it's

33:56

all happening so fast and

33:59

it's overwhelming. as it is, but

34:01

then to do it in the public eye is even harder. I

34:04

think now I'm still very young

34:06

and there's still a lot of learning to

34:09

do for me, but I'm so much

34:11

more stable in my

34:14

identity and who I

34:16

am online and offline, which is pretty

34:18

much the same for the most part,

34:21

but I feel comfortable with that. Things

34:23

have settled down, things have stabilized. I

34:25

think that that just comes with age

34:28

and maturity. Number two,

34:30

I'm really practicing maintaining a healthy

34:32

social media life, real life balance.

34:36

I do not have it perfectly figured out. I literally just made

34:38

an episode a few weeks ago about how I do not have

34:40

it figured out. However, because it's something

34:42

that I'm so actively working on and

34:45

for the last two weeks or so, I've been

34:47

doing pretty fucking good about it. I'm confident

34:49

that going back on TikTok will

34:51

not just derail me completely.

34:53

I used to have a terrible

34:56

balance when it came to consuming that content and I

34:59

think it'll be fine. Then also,

35:01

I have a better understanding

35:03

of how to balance what I film and

35:06

what I keep to myself. That's just gotten

35:08

easier for me over the years as I've

35:10

gotten off of the hamster wheel and set

35:13

myself free from feeling like I need to film and

35:15

document every single thing that fucking happens to me in

35:17

my life. I broke that cycle.

35:19

I'm free from that cycle. So I

35:22

feel confident that I won't fall

35:25

back into it from making

35:27

TikToks. I think it's fucking fine. It's all good.

35:30

I'm also not as afraid of scrutiny anymore and I

35:32

think because, number one, I've

35:34

worked so hard over the

35:36

past few years to truly become the

35:39

best person I can be at times to a

35:41

point that's almost damaging for myself

35:43

because it's like perfectionism to a

35:46

point that is debilitating.

35:49

That's something I'm working on sort of figuring out the

35:51

opposite extreme. But I know that

35:53

I'm a good person and if people scrutinize me,

35:55

they hate me, they don't like what I said, they don't

35:57

like how I look, they don't like what I do. what

36:00

I'm wearing, they think that I'm annoying, they think

36:02

I'm dumb, they think I'm a

36:04

bad person, they think I'm this, they think I'm that.

36:07

I'm at a place now where I

36:09

know that I'm a good fucking person.

36:11

Have I made mistakes in my life? Absolutely,

36:13

as we all have, blah, blah, blah. What

36:15

everybody always fucking says. I've made

36:18

mistakes, I'll continue to make mistakes, I'm

36:20

not fucking perfect. However, I know there

36:22

is not a cell in my body that has a

36:24

doubt about whether or not I'm a good person. I

36:26

know I am. The only

36:28

way that you can survive being on the internet in

36:31

a healthy way is to come to that conclusion. That

36:34

must be who you are, and it

36:36

cannot be a facade. It never was, but

36:38

I feel like it was never as much of

36:40

a priority for me. Am I really

36:42

a really good person? What does that

36:44

mean? How can I be that? When

36:46

I was younger, I didn't focus on that

36:49

as much. It

36:51

wasn't actively a part

36:53

of my thought process. I was

36:56

far more concerned about other things. How do

36:58

I look cool at school? How

37:00

do I get good grades and get

37:02

into a good college for honestly bragging rights? Shit

37:05

like that. Much more surface level, much more

37:07

juvenile. Far less

37:09

spiritually fulfilling,

37:12

but we all have to go through that phase at

37:14

some point in our lives. I know that I'm a

37:16

good person, and also there are people in

37:18

my life, again, I've shed

37:20

the people who did not believe in me,

37:23

who judged me, who made me feel

37:26

bad about being myself, and I've

37:28

replaced those people with people who

37:30

fucking root for me. I've

37:33

strengthened relationships with people who have always

37:35

rooted for me. I've figured out what

37:38

that looks like, what that feels like in my life,

37:40

and that has set me free. I

37:42

am not afraid of scrutiny on the internet

37:44

anymore. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm

37:47

not sick of it when I say I'm sick of

37:49

it in an angry tone. I'm not talking

37:51

to the internet. I'm not even talking to the people

37:53

who say mean shit about me, because that's

37:55

par for the course. That is a part

37:57

of this job. That is a part of what doing this is.

38:00

I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at

38:02

myself for letting it get to

38:04

me But also I can't be mad at myself because

38:07

it was just a part of my journey, but I'm

38:10

not afraid anymore Listen, I'm talking

38:12

about this like I'm about to start fucking like saying

38:15

like crazy controversial shit

38:18

It's not even that it said I was

38:20

afraid of saying anything. I was afraid of

38:22

existing online You know like it

38:24

was just merely existing showing my

38:26

personality at all showing my sense of humor at

38:28

all I was afraid of all of

38:30

that right also. I'm really

38:32

trying to drop all

38:35

of my limiting beliefs about What

38:38

it means to make good content what? platforms

38:41

are good and what platforms are bad and

38:45

What makes for a respectable career and

38:47

what makes for respectable content like I'm

38:49

trying to drop all of that Because

38:52

I think all of that is ultimately limiting.

38:54

I think that it is good to

38:57

be analytical and

39:00

critical of your own content because You

39:02

know especially if it's something that you do as

39:05

your job. You should be analytical

39:07

and critical but in ways that are Constructive

39:11

believing that a platform is inherently cringe

39:14

or bad or whatever is Sort

39:17

of ridiculous. I think and I've definitely

39:19

had my experience with those feelings Content

39:22

doesn't have to be this highbrow sort

39:24

of thing all the time. It

39:27

shouldn't be in fact It should be fucking fun.

39:29

It should be fun, and it should be entertaining That's

39:32

it. It should be fun for me to make and

39:35

it should be fun to watch That's all that fucking

39:37

matters. It doesn't need to be some sort of Life-changing

39:40

sort of thing for every person who

39:42

watches or maybe it is life-changing in

39:45

some ways, but it's not in an obvious

39:47

way It's not in the

39:49

way that maybe music Impacts

39:52

people in a different way.

39:55

It's in a more modern way that didn't exist years

39:57

ago, but there's still value to it And

40:00

I also think that social media is what

40:02

you make of it. TikTok is what you make of

40:04

it. There are negative parts of TikTok. There are also

40:06

negative parts about Instagram. There are also negative parts about

40:08

YouTube. There are also negative parts about Twitter. And there

40:11

are also negative parts about threads. I'm not

40:13

on threads, but I bet there are negative parts

40:15

about that. Okay? There are negative

40:17

parts about Twitch. There are negative parts about fucking

40:20

Reddit. That place scares me.

40:23

But with all of these platforms as well, there's positive. There

40:25

absolutely is positive. And

40:28

it is up to me to decide

40:30

how I want to look at these platforms. Do

40:32

I want to choose to see them for only their

40:34

negative? Where does that get me? You

40:37

know, I think I need to change my lens

40:39

a little bit the way that I view social

40:41

media and say, yeah, these things are dangerous in

40:43

some ways. They're damaging in some ways. But

40:46

also, they are the tool

40:49

for me to do what I'm

40:52

passionate about, which is talk

40:54

to people and hang out with

40:56

people and discuss things that excite me

40:58

and things that I'm struggling with. This

41:01

is my canvas in

41:03

a way. And I must make

41:06

the decision to see

41:08

these platforms in at least

41:10

somewhat of a positive light or ideally

41:12

in a neutral light, because

41:14

that's the light that they should be viewed in. Blaming

41:17

TikTok or any sort of platform is

41:20

not taking responsibility for our decisions

41:23

and choices as adults. I'm

41:26

an adult. If using

41:28

these platforms in certain ways hurts me, then I need to

41:30

not use them in that way. It's my

41:32

job to figure out how to use them in a way

41:34

that works for me. And the only person

41:37

responsible for that is me. So that's

41:39

been an important conclusion for me to come

41:41

to. And I think, you know what?

41:44

This shit's fun. TikTok was fun.

41:46

When I used to be on TikTok before

41:49

it got kind of toxic for me, it actually

41:51

was kind of fun. I didn't take it seriously,

41:53

but it was fun. I'm excited now, though, to

41:55

get back on it and try it again. I think it's going to

41:57

be fun. And I know that a lot of people are going to be like,

42:00

A lot of you are probably thinking right now, you're such

42:02

a freak, Emma, you just made a fucking hour-long

42:04

episode about TikTok, and

42:06

you going back on it, like it's not that deep. I

42:08

get it, it's not that deep. But

42:10

it kinda is that deep for me, a little bit.

42:13

Because I don't know, I think I'm

42:15

just somebody that tends to make everything deep, sometimes

42:19

to a fault. But anyway, I'm excited

42:21

to be back on TikTok. I have sort

42:24

of this excitement around

42:27

being on social media in general, and I think

42:30

short-form content is fun, and it's inspiring to

42:32

me right now. I also love long-form content

42:34

too. I've been editing this one

42:37

Fashion Week video for literally a month

42:39

now, but I had five hours of

42:41

footage just taking me, it's like so

42:43

fucking long that it's taking me a

42:45

month to edit. But I'm excited about

42:47

all of these things. I'm excited to be on

42:50

the internet again. And you know, it's been a

42:52

fucking journey, and it's been so

42:54

turbulent for me. But I'm

42:56

proud to say that I've

42:59

done, I think that I've done the work in

43:01

a way to hopefully

43:04

get to a place eventually where like, this

43:06

is just all positive for me. I mean, nothing's ever

43:08

gonna be all positive, but I'm

43:11

keeping it together. I'm keeping it together,

43:13

and I'm really determined

43:15

to find the way to do it

43:17

in a healthy way. And I love

43:20

you all, and I am so grateful that you've all

43:22

sort of stuck with me through these many

43:24

years of somewhat turbulent

43:26

times. There's

43:29

been a lot of fun times too, but a lot of turbulent

43:31

times. And you know, I've spent

43:34

easily half of my career thus far battling

43:37

this complicated relationship

43:39

with arguably my

43:41

canvas, which is social media. You

43:44

know, I've spent so much time struggling

43:46

with my relationship with it, and that's

43:49

no one's job to deal

43:52

with but mine. But you

43:54

know, there've been a lot of you who have stuck with me

43:56

through it, and I'm so grateful for that. Truly,

43:58

truly, truly, more than. And you know,

44:00

I'm just very grateful

44:02

for you all for hanging out

44:04

with me for so many years now. And

44:07

hopefully you love my TikToks. So go follow me on TikTok now. Love

44:09

you. Thank you for everything. Go follow me on TikTok.

44:11

No, I'm fucking, I'm so kidding. But yeah, I'm excited.

44:15

I'm excited and I'm feeling inspired

44:17

and I'm feeling really

44:19

good. And hopefully, no,

44:21

you know, not hopefully, I was gonna say and hopefully it lasts. It

44:23

will last. Although if it doesn't

44:25

and I end up getting like emo again, you

44:28

can say I told you so. But I really, my

44:30

fingers crossed that I'm starting to

44:33

reach social media nirvana. Okay, I have to

44:36

go now. I love you all. I appreciate

44:38

you all. Thank you all for

44:40

listening and supporting me in

44:42

all the ways that you do. I'm so fucking grateful.

44:45

Listen, new episodes of Anything Goes, Thursdays,

44:47

Sundays, anywhere that you

44:49

stream podcasts, all the video

44:52

is exclusive to Spotify. You can

44:54

check me out on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain. Check

44:56

out my coffee company at Chamberlain

44:58

Coffee. We have coffee, we

45:01

have matcha, we have cute accessories, we have

45:03

canned lattes. You can find us in a

45:05

store near you or order online, chamberlaincoffee.com

45:08

and it will come straight to your door. That's

45:10

all I have for today. See

45:13

you all on the fucking internet, baby. Oh

45:15

my God. See you all on the internet. Okay,

45:17

love you. Talk to you soon. Bye. I

45:20

feel good. Dad, are you singing to your cereal?

45:22

Come on, Ava. Silk almond milk. Starts the morning

45:24

on a... Silk almond milk. Starts the morning on

45:26

a high note. Silk almond milk. With

45:28

calcium, vitamins A, D, and E. I feel plenty good.

45:30

I feel plenty good. I feel plenty good. I feel

45:32

plenty good. I feel plenty good. I feel

45:34

plenty good.