0:02

Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy.

0:04

This Cool Stratton here filling in for Kevin

0:06

Pollock, who wanted to be here today, but I was

0:08

given visitation rights to the podcast. Let's

0:11

meet her Alchemist Shelley in no particular

0:14

orders, say hello to everyone's favorite android,

0:16

Joey Greer. Joey,

0:19

what have you been programmed to do to fuck

0:21

ship? Oh? Man? Yep?

0:25

Next up. He's the world's biggest Imagine Dragons

0:27

fan. Craig Kakowski, huge fan,

0:30

radioactive man. Yeah, Craig? What makes him

0:32

so goddamn appeeling? I think,

0:34

uh, first of all the bass, and

0:37

then you add in the drums, you put guitar on top

0:39

of that, and you had vocals. I think you have a rock band,

0:41

that's right, And they check all those boxes

0:45

all right. He's the CEO of the Big Johnson

0:47

T shirt company. Chris Alvarado. Chris,

0:49

what new edgy shirts have you drummed up for the holiday

0:51

season? Nice?

0:57

Is what excited about that? I've heard? What

1:00

is? Uh? Um? So it's a

1:02

shirt that doesn't fit you very well?

1:05

What's up? Because when you say it doesn't

1:07

fit you very well? Is it too big or too small?

1:09

That's the thing you don't know you said us

1:11

your size will send you a nil fitted shirts. And

1:16

finally it's the board game King of the USA

1:19

James Heeney. What's the best tabletopper

1:21

out there? I think Tabletop Simulator

1:23

on Steam is the best tabletop game there is

1:25

now there. It's it's great to have a tabletop

1:28

experience in real life with people, but you can

1:30

play any tabletop game over the

1:32

Internet with anyone anywhere. Tabletop

1:35

Simulator, get it now. I don't think you answered this question.

1:37

What was question? I think it was like,

1:39

what what's the best tabletop game? Okay?

1:41

Well, I like the game code names, especially if

1:43

you're playing with people from around the world, because their interpretations

1:46

of words can sometimes make the game.

1:49

Saying here, I don't have enough hours

1:51

in my day to like eat enough

1:53

meals, and the idea that you spend all

1:55

this time knowing this and playing

1:57

games is like, I'm envious at that time

1:59

you have. If you should come over sometime, I don't have

2:01

time, but

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we'd like to invite you to become a v I P member

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Place, which are only available to the v I

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our super core fans by going to Patreon

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dot com slash alchemy this. That's

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Patreon dot com slash alchemy

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this. All of today's scene suggestions

2:35

were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd

2:37

like to submit yours, please write to the podcast

2:40

at your name here at alchemy this dot

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com. Once again, your name here at alchemy

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this dot com for our first scene.

2:47

Hello Alchemists, you are all amazing. With

2:49

all the laughter you spread, it would be hard not to love

2:51

you. The only way I could love you more is

2:54

if you help me celebrate my brothers. I think

2:56

thinks supposed to be brothers, but it is father's birthday,

2:59

but choosing his in suggestion from one of your

3:01

episodes suggestion cat

3:03

miners have fun with that and

3:05

thanks again. Listening with

3:07

cheer kelby p S. James Heeney

3:10

for president. Oh my gosh,

3:12

I should I should register. They'll

3:15

be fine, all

3:18

right, now, look, we gotta make sure the mine is clear. Can

3:21

we got a couple of tabby means over here that we

3:23

got a hit? All right? Now, look, we got two hours

3:25

until we gotta go out of here. There's a leak

3:27

in the top set. Are

3:30

you okay? On my back? Wait? Wait?

3:32

Get up? Yeah, I can't. I can't

3:35

wait here. Let me hoist jump on my shoulder. No,

3:38

it's just sort of here. How to take up

3:40

your shoulders? Listen, there's a lot of people counting

3:42

on you. Delete. It's

3:45

your body. I think I might know what's

3:48

wrong here, don Jim. Our

3:50

canary has that again, but it's

3:54

because of the cats keep eating it, so we

3:56

don't have We don't actually know what. We don't

3:58

know if there's a gas lake or not. It's

4:01

just the cassine in the canary, that's right. But

4:04

based on what I'm seeing here, I'm thinking there's some toxic

4:06

fumes in this mind. You know what I don't.

4:08

I don't want to startle anybody, but I feel like I can

4:10

hear a tweeting from his throat. Maybe he maybe

4:13

he ate the canary over your shoulder.

4:15

We'll put him down down, Jim,

4:18

Jim. Look, at that Jim, Jim, did

4:21

you eat the canary? Tell the truth?

4:23

She was looking pretty smug. Yeah.

4:28

I don't have an analogy, but I

4:31

don't know. Okay,

4:34

bitch, we were counting on you, all

4:38

right, I see we killed Jim. Kill him or

4:40

you gonna put him out of his misery. I

4:42

mean, I'm sorry, but there's been a collapse

4:45

at the cat mind. Oh my god,

4:47

this is catastrophic. Oh

4:50

no, we're so invested

4:52

in this. Okay, Well,

4:54

what's the what's the casualties? And the casualties look

4:57

like right now? About

4:59

fifteen men and cats?

5:02

Oh god, no, is there anyone can leave

5:04

them out of their laser? Point them to freedom or something.

5:06

I don't know. We're working on a alternate mind

5:09

thing whenever shaft to get them up. I'm just

5:12

so flushed with everyone. I get it past.

5:14

I don't know. It's a tough time. We don't have terminology

5:16

right now. The

5:18

investors are gonna freak. I mean, if they don't, they don't

5:21

have to know. Okay, they don't have to

5:23

know that the cat mind collapsed.

5:25

Cap mind? What honey,

5:28

what are you guys talking about? Another? Go

5:30

back to your Canasta game? Are you sure? It sounds

5:32

important. I heard something about the mind collapse. The

5:34

mind's fine, he's our minds are

5:36

collapsing. Over all the money we're gonna makeing.

5:40

I'm gonna go finish this can I don't

5:42

speak English. Okay, see

5:45

how place can? Asked by herself. Don't know how

5:47

she does it. That's amazing. Solo solo.

5:49

So looking at is not a four person game, it

5:51

really is. She pulls it out. She

5:53

goes to different chairs as different personalities per

5:55

player. All right, man, look before

5:58

we figure out you get out of this mind,

6:00

we need to, uh first, make

6:03

a couple of things. Clear, raise your hand.

6:05

If you're the oxygen, everyone, just save

6:07

me the oxygen you're getting. You're a cat?

6:10

First, there's so much sitting here.

6:12

I can't tell who's a man, who's a cat? Okay,

6:15

I can I can here. I can't see

6:17

a cat. I can't see arms being raised. I'm panicking

6:19

here, I've got Are you a cat

6:21

or a cat? I swear to I'm not a cat? Alright? Any

6:24

question that the human would only know it sounds good? Okay?

6:27

Um who won the Super Bowl last

6:29

year the Patriots? Is

6:31

that true? Alright?

6:35

Jim? Jim Now you may or may not

6:37

eating a canary. So are

6:40

you a cat or are you a man?

6:44

You ate the canary? We eat birds,

6:46

meat, turkey.

6:48

That he's breathing really heavily,

6:50

like a calengar. Dohn

6:52

want you ask him a question? Only human one now?

6:55

All right? Uh in uh

6:59

Okay, here's is a good question. Okay, the

7:02

highway flooral five? Which direction?

7:05

Does it go on a compass? The California

7:07

Highway? Yes, on a compass? Which

7:10

if you had a language

7:14

stone, and if I had the language stone, whips

7:16

way with the four? Alright,

7:24

alright, I think it's one more person when you gotta

7:26

ask Larry,

7:29

I'm insulted by the question. We've worked

7:31

together in this gap mine for twenty years.

7:33

I'm never seriously as I've never seen outside.

7:37

Okay, you're always covered and so it I can't tell.

7:39

Look. I do doubles, I do triples. I work

7:41

long hours here in the mine.

7:45

That doesn't sound to me like he's

7:47

really defied to find whether he's

7:49

a can't really die here? Okay,

7:51

you want me to ask him a question? Ask you a really

7:53

good question. Mine fell flat a little bit. I don't

7:55

know. I think yours is pretty good all right, here's a good

7:58

question. Uh, it's

8:00

the difference between geometry and

8:02

algebra. What

8:04

I don't know that I don't know. I don't know. I didn't go

8:06

to school. I'm a cat miner for God's Okay,

8:09

okay, question guys,

8:13

guys, I found I found a passage

8:15

of small too small passage. But I found a passage.

8:18

But here's the rub that goes through the dog

8:20

cavern. Well, I'm fine with that. I

8:22

could go through dog cavern. I lets

8:24

jump to Uh, it's not too rash

8:27

here. Why would you be afraid

8:29

of dogs? I'm not afraid of dogs.

8:31

I'm saying it's small.

8:34

It's a small passageway. So you're the goddamn

8:36

Maybe you're the goddamn cat. Ask

8:39

me any goddamn question. Why

8:41

did you just poop in that sand over there? Yeah?

8:44

Okay, Now I answer all the questions one

8:46

at a time. Okay, so hold

8:49

on just one.

8:53

My kids want cats for Christmas. Okay,

8:55

we're gonna be cats for Christmas, cats

8:57

for Christmas. I'm gonna just answer that one right

8:59

out of the the gate. Okay, we all want

9:01

cat answer my questions.

9:05

I'm gonna answer these questions at

9:07

a time. Okay, we all want cats

9:09

for Christmas? Will there be cats?

9:12

But listen, I will answer all of these questions

9:15

one at a time. We have a team going

9:17

down there making sure the cats are safe.

9:20

Okay, those are our priorities, Sir,

9:22

Sir, sir. Will there be a new Jingle Cats

9:24

album this year? With the collapse in the mind? Look,

9:26

we all want a new Jingle Cats album?

9:28

Alright, we all want that. I'm gonna answer these

9:31

questions one at a time. This

9:34

town depends on supplying cats to the

9:36

world market. Yes it does,

9:38

Yes it does. Now I'm gonna answer these questions

9:41

one at a time. All right, a

9:48

couple of things. One, we're on break,

9:50

So go ahead and down, lick yourselves and check.

9:55

I've gotten word that the

9:57

cat mine is collapsed. Good, good,

10:01

Well it's good because we hate them, but

10:03

cat but it's uh, it's

10:05

better because there's free cats over there. Free.

10:11

The only problem is would have to go through the through

10:14

the human hole

10:16

to get to the cat. Human. I'm

10:19

not going through a human hole. Why what

10:22

aren't you a dog miner? Dog? A minor

10:24

dog miner. I'll

10:28

ask you one question only dogs would know. Okay,

10:31

all right, are you a good boy? Are

10:33

you good boy? Are you good boy?

10:37

All right? Okay, I'm

10:39

good boy. I'm man's best

10:41

friend. Holes

10:47

okay, human holes

10:50

guys. The veterinarian told me, I have black

10:52

lung. Huh. Vey

10:56

told me. I'm

11:03

sorry, Um, you're you're just We're

11:05

gonna have to restend your minding card. You're not

11:08

you're not able to mind a take. I'm

11:10

sorry. You can't have a dog with a job. Maybe you

11:12

can catch or something, but you can't take anymore. I'm

11:14

sorry, too old to catch. I

11:17

can't jump no more. All I know how to do

11:19

is mine for coal. If a dog mine, then

11:21

we're gonna have to put you down. How

11:25

are you gonna do it? We got a couple

11:27

of ways. Um, one this we can strangle

11:30

you. Okay, I'm gonna

11:32

pass on that one. Okay, it's two more

11:34

so. The other one that we we stab you in

11:36

your stomach and just let it bleed. Well, I'd

11:39

rather be joke to be honest. Okay, we already

11:41

passed. You killed the vet? Killed

11:43

the vet? Here a man? Whoa?

11:47

That's you know? It doesn't sound

11:50

like across a line. I

11:54

got a taste for human. Now you're

11:56

a were wolf. Well, we could use that. I'm not a were

11:58

wolf kind of wear

12:00

woman. Wish for sure a werwolf.

12:02

He's eating people. I'm not true. I'm not a werewolf.

12:04

A dog miner. Why don't we use this,

12:07

Why don't we go to the human mind where they're mining

12:10

cats take over? Okay,

12:13

let's have the worold from the back. I

12:16

don't think he's actually dog like just

12:19

tasted human blood. I'm just saying, that's like a big step.

12:21

That's a big step forward, like human best

12:23

friend werewolves or men who turned

12:25

into wolves once a month.

12:27

I don't know. I don't know that. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just

12:30

saying, no, he's just got a misapprehension about

12:32

what a werewolf. I think I know a

12:34

world, all right. I'm just saying. I'm just saying I don't. I

12:37

don't want to point, like pause or anything, but like, excuse

12:39

me, O, Hi,

12:49

take my helmet off. What's

12:52

a cat? What's a listening

12:55

a cat miner? This is a cat miner? Has

12:57

your man have heard? We're

12:59

not doing so well over there, and

13:02

it seems like the humans are going to just stick

13:05

dynamite into the entire mountain save

13:09

themselves and get out. Now.

13:12

I know this is against what we normally do, but

13:15

we're wondering. I speak for all the cats

13:17

in the mind. There's over three thousand of us in

13:20

this money. If

13:22

you would want to join forces and

13:24

take over the humans, I

13:26

mean, you obviously have a werewolf here. Seems

13:29

like a werewolf. All

13:32

of you guys discuss, but

13:37

they need the four of us. I

13:40

want to eat that. I didn't want to eat

13:42

that. Cor Yeah, that's a good point. Also,

13:44

um, there's five of us, and I know you don't like

13:47

me that much, but I still count. He's

13:49

talking about the wolf of

13:51

my own insecurities. Suff

13:56

suff sure, what what

13:58

you need? There's been a shaft

14:01

collapse in the cab mine. Shaft collapse

14:03

in the mine. I was on TV. I don't

14:05

know if you've heard. I don't watch television if

14:07

it doesn't come in print and it doesn't come in

14:09

my worldview. Look, sorry,

14:12

I understand. Are you just heard? Okay?

14:14

I just they're thinking about dynamiting

14:17

it, but they don't have dynamite. Sheriff,

14:21

Sheriff, there's a shaft collapse. Heard

14:24

you heard? What are

14:26

you doing here, Ralph? I was just get telling about

14:28

the cheft collapse. I saw you running

14:30

ahead of me, but I didn't think that you were also going

14:32

to the sheriff. Yeah, well,

14:35

I feel like a real shaff Never

14:37

mind, guys, I'm gonna go home. What is no

14:39

No, I'm like party, I'm always time

14:41

crying. Third, it's about

14:43

the shaft collapse that

14:46

first question. Boys, I got a big old cardboard

14:48

box of dynamite on the bottom floor of

14:50

the Sheriff's department, and you can just go

14:53

get it. It'll help you out real quick.

14:55

Okay, so we we grabbing today. Sorry,

14:58

not so fat my

15:01

golf. Y'all

15:03

want to play with dynamite? Listen,

15:05

you don't have a finger left on your stubs.

15:08

I don't think you should be playing with the man for

15:10

the job. I know

15:13

what this dynamite better than anyone of you men.

15:16

He's been around more than I. He's trying to scratch

15:18

the chalkboard, but he's got no fingers. Well,

15:20

but I can't imagine what to effect that would happen.

15:28

Is you want to take this dynamite,

15:31

you gotta take me with you. It looks like he's

15:33

drilled holes in his stumps so you could fit

15:36

a stick of dynamite in there, bingo. So

15:38

he just hangs out by the dynamite all day waiting

15:40

to get called in action. It's yeah,

15:43

yeah, well today's your lucky

15:45

day. Thank you, sheriff. I'm not going

15:48

down to the mine. You're gonna have to find somebody else

15:50

to go with you. Well, we got three town criers,

15:53

but do we have three town a

16:00

lot of time down here thinking you're none

16:02

of my guy. You don't need to worry about that. It makes

16:04

me feel weird. Stay in your l you're

16:06

good man, they're good. You bring the news,

16:08

but can you bring the booms? You bring

16:11

the news, but news that's

16:17

you. You bring the news. Okay,

16:25

so I got good news and band news.

16:28

Okay, everyone, listen up, listen up, okay,

16:31

listen up. I'm started cutting these cats, and I

16:33

started wearing their skin, okay, because maybe

16:35

maybe the gods of the cats were thinking

16:38

one of them and saved us. Okay, at

16:41

cat skins. Look, there's everyone, just everyone

16:44

just wearing when I made one for everybody. These are too small.

16:47

My hands are coming out there. I'm

16:49

not gonna wear a cat. It's fine. I'll just

16:52

wear a cat. Kitty cats.

16:54

So the good news is that dogs are going to help us. The

16:56

band. News is that guy's wearing us. Your

17:00

meal. Don't be so cute,

17:03

your eyes are so big and watery. Meal

17:05

mean meal, mial. Don't forget you're a killer.

17:08

You're a murderer. Muffins,

17:12

murderer. Meal. Yeah, so

17:15

here come the dogs. I see him. Oh

17:19

no, there's a werewolff.

17:23

There's a wolf wolf. Look

17:25

at me, look at my team. Relaxed you and relaxed

17:27

you. This is good. All

17:29

right, I'm one of you. I

17:31

don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. You're not a

17:33

cat, you're a human. Oh my cat. I like eating

17:36

you meal

17:46

meal dyne in my hands, mean little

17:50

wait like

17:53

smell sausages this

17:55

way. Don't go. Don't go with a trick. It's

17:57

not a trick. Sausages ever, trick. Just

18:05

there're sausages here, there's just this

18:08

is good, Hey, little puppies. Was

18:16

this guy's story? Smells

18:18

like sulfur? You have human? Don't you know?

18:21

I'm not human? Man, watch

18:23

this trick. I'm gonna stick these dynamite

18:25

sticks into this snausage sticks

18:28

snausage. So we didn't have to

18:30

come. I don't know what this is.

18:34

Oh, we have to like thee I don't. I don't have any fingers.

18:37

Here we go, here

18:39

boy, here boy, I

18:45

went out and

18:48

that our first sad. We'll never

18:50

know if they escaped them. I wonder how that ended. I

18:53

know to find out some other week.

18:55

When somebody suggests got to join the patren.

18:57

Oh yeah, it should be a

19:00

yeah. We only end our scenes on Patriots. Join

19:04

the Patreon to find it who won the super Bowl. Also, I'd

19:06

be happy to have some fan fiction right in and they can

19:08

finish the ending. It's gonna get

19:11

so sexual so fast. You

19:14

gotta ship the dogs and cats. Everybody said

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right, here's our second scene. Hey alchemists,

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just want to say, out of all the hundreds of thousands

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of podcasts I have to choose from, yours is

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the one I go to as soon as it lands in my feed.

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Kudos to Kevin for somehow gathering the perfect

21:24

cast for this project. I can't choose a favorite,

21:26

but when the Australian New Orleans or Stone

21:28

Cold Steve Austin voice makes an appearance, I lose

21:30

my ship. My scene suggestion

21:33

a real life Magic School buses

21:35

made and a few unlucky contest

21:37

winners get to be the first to test it out. Ps

21:40

the ideas someone mentioned about making animated

21:43

skits from parts of the show should definitely be

21:45

a thing. Caleb. Alright,

21:48

so y'all I

21:51

have a ticket. Yeah, yeah, that's great. I

21:53

was expecting it to be more like the books. You

21:56

don't look like you don't look

21:58

like the teacher from my miss

22:00

Fristle. No, no, I don't. You're

22:03

missing It doesn't matter. I'm missing a testicle

22:06

on half of my penis. You want to know you?

22:09

Yeah, I was talking about the never mind,

22:11

like your g like my grill. These are my real

22:13

teeth. Yeah, that's my thought. Yeah that's

22:15

porcelain. So yeah, it cost me a lot, alright,

22:18

and I regret doing it because that money's

22:20

wte. I should have just had no teeth and drink soup, like

22:22

my goddamn sister said. All right,

22:25

now, what what do y'all want? You want to

22:27

just get on the bus or sleeping there? I know then

22:29

this contest was about to just this

22:32

is a magic school bus. Yeah, it's magic Buzz.

22:34

You're gonna have a teacher join you or some ship. I don't know

22:36

that you're not the teacher. I don't know. Look,

22:38

I just look over the lot and they told me that Buzz

22:40

is coming a whole bunch of kids with some kind of coupon or

22:44

I don't look, man, just get on the

22:46

damnus alright, kissing

22:50

right, No, I put

22:52

you down when you get on the bus. All right. Look

22:57

that bus has got damn magic. I gotta say this, alright.

22:59

I've been around this parking lot for a long Look

23:02

this thing just shrinks down, jumps up through

23:05

time. I've seen it going to humans and such.

23:07

It's a terrifying vehicle. I warn

23:09

you young people. Now, what if

23:12

you go inside there? Yeah,

23:15

they are. That's another skin condition I have.

23:17

Okay, half of my liver was taken from

23:19

me by a chimpanzee. I don't remember

23:21

much of the store, but I remember this zolt alright.

23:24

I lost two houses in that goddamn

23:26

that with the bus has a lot to do with it,

23:28

all right. Now, look you getting side that bus.

23:31

There's switches, and there's buttons and knobs

23:33

that don't want to be preston pulled, and I

23:35

recommend doing them all. Hell, you want to live once.

23:37

I know that's a contradiction from what I said earlier

23:40

with my warning, but I'm gonna funked up.

23:42

So if you boys and some girls

23:45

want to get on there and have some fun, then,

23:47

so be it. I don't mind. This

23:49

is my parking lot. How's so poetic? There's

23:52

switches and buttons and knobs that don't want

23:54

to be preston pulled. Alright,

23:57

my ants are washed. Alright, I

23:59

leave if you do it. Children, Okay,

24:01

maybe the driver is already on the bus. Maybe

24:04

hey, sorry, some girls were late?

24:08

Some girls? Is this the school

24:11

bus competition? There's contest

24:13

winners thing? May I don't know. My mom

24:15

just gave me this ticket and tell me to come here. Lucky

24:19

okay, cool nipping? Yeah,

24:21

yeah, the chocolate

24:23

bars and toffee toffee,

24:27

but that's more expensive. It's small.

24:30

Yeah, I know. Why do you tell

24:32

them we're all around

24:34

town? I'm not a prison or anything that's

24:37

impressive. Can we sit next to you? Look

24:40

when I sit around town that I included the prison in

24:43

that. Yeah, sit next to me. You

24:46

have to understand that bus cannot leave

24:48

the lot. Okay. It's magic is

24:50

too powerful. It'll corrupt anyone who goes

24:52

inside. But I've dealt with a lot of

24:55

magic over the years. I should be able to

24:57

contain it and wield and I'm a wizard.

25:00

Stand this is beyond anyone's control. It's science

25:02

and magic. Do you understand that I've

25:04

been working at the Magic Castle for

25:07

years. I should be able to wield the power

25:09

of a magic school. You are shaking so

25:11

much. You're shaking

25:13

so much. I'm an old

25:16

wizard. I am sorry. I didn't Mestico.

25:19

You know we we added a wizard to the school

25:21

board a couple of years ago, just

25:24

because there was public demand for it. To

25:28

be honest, I haven't really seen you perform

25:30

any magic or stop any other magic from

25:32

happening. Oh well, I haven't

25:34

seen anyone trying to do magic that I

25:36

needed to stop. Are

25:40

you taunting me up? A frog?

25:43

I was backing you up? Sorry, ah,

25:45

turn him into a frog. He was backing

25:48

me up. I don't mean I don't want to turn me into a frog. Nope,

25:50

Bob, I'm not going to just show me the

25:52

way to the Bobstico, just turn me into a

25:54

frog. It's fine, listen. I'm what

25:56

I'm gonna do is I'm gonna turn both

25:59

of you into frog. But I'm

26:01

gonna make you think I didn't. Okay,

26:05

nothing, you don't think

26:07

I did. But school lorder,

26:09

school board lawyer coming through school board lawyer.

26:11

All right, I have a briefcase here opening said briefcase.

26:14

There are the waivers. The

26:16

parents have signed it. It doesn't matter what happens to the children.

26:19

We are covered. So

26:22

show me the weight of the ball regardless

26:24

of being covered. Don't you feel that there's some kind of like

26:26

moral ethical the leamit that we're facing

26:28

it that even though we know what is, we still have to do something about

26:30

it. Look that the children and in the competition

26:33

of rules said that if they're sold enough, they are

26:35

promised to be shrunken, sent through time and

26:37

push and pull levers and buttons that don't want to be

26:39

pushing. They understand about kids don't know what they're

26:42

actually getting in. Do they think it's part of a game? This is

26:44

this is science and math? You do here exactly?

26:48

Okay, well I clean right now, but I have a closer magic

26:50

act. I really think it is important, and I think yeah,

26:52

and I think that like given the right opportunities, and you

26:55

want to us all

26:58

fairness, I'm a wizard at best, be

27:00

a wizard's apprentice. I'd

27:02

love to what you

27:06

do enjoy close up magic? Would

27:08

you like to see it? I'm sure what with

27:10

coin cards? So if

27:12

you Look at these cards right here. You'll see that there's a coin

27:15

inside of them. Okay, already

27:17

feel the card in the coins now

27:20

everyone put that inside these cups here, card

27:24

in the cup, card with the coin card.

27:28

I'm gonna get some water here. Okay, look at this.

27:30

I'm gonna drink that's real, it's

27:34

real water. And then I'm gonna pour it into the

27:36

cup here. Okay, now I'm gonna

27:39

shake up all the cops. Now, now

27:41

which card hold? I forgot to ask you do remember

27:43

your cald on? Let me do this again. Good

27:46

afternoon. Children. Do not push, not puomy.

27:49

That is the main thing being a lover

27:51

or a button ai? Oh

27:55

my gosh, can I push one

27:57

button? No? Do not push? Not pull

28:00

me? What would happen you

28:03

go through time? What about this just

28:12

makes noises? Is that that? But makes

28:15

noise? Yes? Thankfully that's the party

28:17

horn, that's the one

28:19

you can What about this one here? Oh

28:26

my god? I should raise? Where

28:29

are we? Where we are?

28:32

What strange contracted? Is this? We

28:37

go to real sing Gabriel Elementary School?

28:40

What what be that? It's a high school,

28:43

elementary school, it's

28:45

a there's a they're attached. Okay,

28:47

they're attached be nights

28:50

in some strange army. No, no,

28:54

we're just we're just kids. Well I

28:56

will have I

29:01

can press this button. Well,

29:06

you've done it, children, you've messed up the

29:08

time continued. Everything has changed

29:10

now, mmy. We were in the

29:13

Middle Ages for like five minutes. That was

29:15

enough. Jimmy stid Jimmy.

29:18

So what's different now the present? Let's

29:20

find out. No, no, no, I want to

29:22

go back in time. I want to say, Jimmy, please,

29:28

you saved the cat mine from collapsing, that

29:33

old cat mind. But from in

29:35

the eighties. Collapse, that's what that's

29:37

what happens. The man responsible

29:40

for the mind collapsing was the great

29:42

great, great great great great grandson

29:45

of that night. Then I've never had children again

29:47

because he felt so bad about killing a child aboard

29:49

a bus. Whoa, there's so

29:51

many cats here. I don't see any people

29:53

though, And Jimmy is still dead. That's

29:56

the thing. There are no people anymore. It's just cats

29:59

now, all right. We can't fix this, guys. We gotta

30:01

fix it now. Somebody's got to stop that kid. I'm

30:03

pulling this Leverick. That

30:13

was the sounds of Halloween. Button push

30:16

the one he pulled before. That's the time drowning. Okay,

30:25

where are we look

30:28

at? There aren't more beings Humo

30:30

pods. Let the Humo pads come

30:32

out of the box. This must be the future. Well

30:35

we go to the future. That's not gonna help

30:37

Jimmy still dead. Once, use our rank

30:39

and to make this bus flown. Who

30:50

yeah, hello, hello, hello, hello,

30:53

hello hello?

30:56

What years? I have a new trick I want

30:58

to present to the forward. Is

31:01

the time for trick presentation of animal?

31:05

Yeah, let's let us see the track. I

31:07

have two tricks I would like to present. Okay,

31:10

show the first trick. First. First one is two

31:12

psychoronian chords. I like

31:14

the idea, so tie them together and watch

31:17

us then fold on itself. Wow, like

31:20

space and time. The second one is I

31:22

would like to present and perform at birth with

31:24

myself. Oh man,

31:26

I will just date a young one and then push

31:28

out immediately. You

31:34

kids shouldn't see this gets okay,

31:43

while we're flying through space and time, buttons

31:46

and leverage, person, Yes, tell

31:48

me exactly where we need to go to make Jimmy

31:51

come back alive. I wish I had all the answers.

31:53

Children. Let

31:56

me see let's go back to the coordinates that you

31:58

want to before. Perhaps you can chase the outcome with an Okay,

32:04

who would you know us?

32:06

You heard him? Oh

32:08

yes, that's right. Oh

32:11

sorry, that's just my standard greeting will be.

32:15

I don't remember that. And I feel bad about

32:17

killing your friends. Gallant Night, I

32:19

once again asked you to not tell the story

32:22

of the magic thing that appeared

32:24

and you stabbed a child a

32:27

magic bus. A

32:29

bus is a

32:32

crazy old man, a fool, gallants

32:35

Night. I swore to never have children

32:38

because I felt so bad about killing that child

32:41

in front of his friends. Look

32:43

when you keep on telling the story, always

32:46

telling the story at a feast, and everyone

32:48

look at me. I saw a magic boost

32:50

up here, and then I stabbed a kid.

32:53

And then while we're eating, we have to hear you talk

32:55

about how you cut your own ticket balls

32:57

off to not have kids. This is the food thing

32:59

we're said here. They are other

33:03

dicken balls. I have presumed they

33:06

are so shriveled and disgus. At

33:08

least this was a while ago. He killed them,

33:11

Gallant to Night, I don't bring them to dinner.

33:13

My god, MENSI school boss, we were wrong.

33:15

The tagalogue I

33:17

didn't want you to see that. Let's

33:22

go back to just before nut

33:24

ago, that would make sense. I suggest

33:26

that how we go, Jimmy,

33:29

you're alive, Jimmy,

33:34

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

33:36

Here's the thing, Jimmy, I

33:39

saw hell. What's

33:42

he like? Jimmy's burning.

33:45

Jimmy, you have to listen to me. Listen

33:48

to me. That door is going to open it A night's going to be

33:50

there, and he's in a wild. The sword we have to come

33:52

up with a way to kill the knight just

33:55

makes the night like kids? Okay,

34:00

them a craft really quickly? What's strange?

34:02

Vehicle? No? No, no,

34:04

no no? Why

34:08

is he freaking out? We

34:11

beat no fairies

34:13

of fatherhood, of

34:16

motherhood, fairies

34:18

of fatherhood. I know not what you

34:20

speak of. Let's

34:27

get out of here. So

34:31

what I think happened is Jimmy's alive,

34:33

but we still killed the night, so he'll never have a kid.

34:36

To save the mine from

34:38

collapsing. Right, Maybe some

34:40

girls have an idea throw

34:44

my help us out. I was on my phone. I can't. I'm

34:46

sorry. I'm not sure either. What's been going on?

34:48

Guys, they're not good at step subjects.

34:52

That's so not true. That is so not true.

34:55

That is been awfully quiet this whole

34:57

time. Well, we've been traveling all over I've been

34:59

getting do you know why, because I'm trying to discover

35:02

what the difference between algebra and geometry

35:04

is. Okay, once you create that branch

35:06

the total human question, the

35:08

math community will shutter at my greatness,

35:11

Like why don't you guys go back to wherever you want before? I'm

35:13

like, we'll chime in this time and try to help. Yeah, okay,

35:15

okay, what

35:22

this strange vehicle? Girls, Hey,

35:25

so we're like super deities and ship and like

35:27

we're like coming from like God in Heaven. To let you

35:30

know that, like talk, we're

35:32

angels, so like totally respect us angels.

35:36

Cut off your dick and balls and sacrifice. Abraham

35:41

almost killed this son. This is like kind of like the same thing. So

35:43

like do it or like you're gonna be like turned to

35:45

like a pillar salt and shut. Yeah, that's totally true.

35:48

Wait night before you do that, girls, real quick to If

35:53

he does that, then he doesn't have kids and then no

35:56

one saves the cat mine from collapsing. Oh

35:58

my god, what why are you telling this now? You just

36:01

told us to jump back into We told you we were

36:03

out of the what. Look, it's just

36:05

come with us, just

36:07

come with come to heaven,

36:13

just heaven. Yeah kind of. It's

36:15

two nine, luck or sent you. Alright,

36:18

open up, magic bus, it's the school board.

36:22

We got a wizard. I'm I'm

36:25

supposed to drive this boss, but

36:28

unfortunately a wizard's apprentice

36:30

can do close up man Jack, this

36:32

be not a wizard. I'm a wizard.

36:36

I am from an era where people

36:38

know what wizards are. Well, you're

36:40

not wearing a hat with a question mark

36:42

on it. Oh, but why

36:45

don't you show him some up close magic?

36:48

Yeah, go ahead and show him some up close

36:51

magic. Got to close up magic? Yes

36:53

we can't. Oh my god, shut the fuck. As

36:55

the school board lawyer, I need to ask who this adult

36:58

in this bus is. Who are you, sir? I

37:02

I have come from a strange time into

37:04

an even stranger time here I'm

37:07

in heaven. Yes, very well, will you sign

37:09

this waiver? Please waiver? I

37:13

just touch it with your hand. Alas,

37:15

sir, I am illiterate. Alright, night,

37:17

I'm sorry you did this, but you signed a lot of rights

37:19

away. Okay, what do you understand what's happening

37:21

right now? Okay, now, look just calmed down. Okay,

37:24

and look now I'm gonna do this for

37:26

free, but pretty much for okay.

37:30

Okay, alright, no, not what that

37:32

is. You don't know what that is. Okay, you better

37:35

pay me that money. I see that coin person on your hip, all

37:37

right, I know there's some gold bullion in there.

37:39

All right, this is the king's money. Yeah,

37:41

well, I'm gonna be mine soon. Okay, you're in a lot of trouble,

37:43

dude, listen here, attorney, Look, you can

37:45

say what you want to say. But he signed so we're gonna

37:48

use his likeness all over this the city

37:50

of We're gonna have posters

37:52

of him. He had. He had complicit

37:55

ignorance in this side.

37:57

He didn't know what he was doing. And look at his Look at his signature.

37:59

It's just to cross. That doesn't make it a goddamn

38:01

s I will run you through, Sarah, holy

38:07

okay, and I will cut off my dicken

38:09

ball. No, no,

38:13

no, hi, honey, Hey,

38:16

I had a tough day today about it?

38:18

How did you? I got tickets to the locker room going

38:21

out? Okay, I don't

38:23

think he loves us. I don't think so either. I got tickets

38:25

to the locker Tension Night's game tonight. If you want

38:27

to go. When are we

38:29

eating? I

38:32

brought some You

38:35

wouldn't have anything? Just staunched by bleeding?

38:37

Why is it bleeding so

38:40

much? Made a

38:42

deeper incision that I planned on Nicole.

38:44

Your your new Housemaide is sexy.

38:47

Look, don't before you get excited. He has no dicken

38:50

bolls. I love a challenge.

38:54

Hello, I love what you're

38:56

wearing. Thank you. Hi.

38:58

My name is Stephanie. I am Twaine,

39:02

Sir Twain who had loved that. I

39:04

don't see a wedding that ring on your finger?

39:07

No, no, I am married

39:09

to my quest. Oh I

39:11

love that. I love a guy who's just addicted

39:13

to his job. I'm

39:16

not married either, all right. I

39:19

live right next door, so if you need anything and they're not home, you

39:21

can always mom, I'm hungry,

39:23

okay, Yeah, so if you need anything, you can just pop

39:25

on over and just get whatever you want. Or this is

39:27

your child, it is can

39:31

No, you can't have to. Yeah, whatever you see whatever you want to get a

39:33

ship? Uh so, yeah, she's mine, but on

39:35

baggage again,

39:38

I have castrated myself longest

39:42

Rito's commercial ever, and

39:49

that's gonna get to our thirds and final

39:52

scene this afternoon. Try Alchemists.

39:54

I'm a longtime listener and just want to say

39:56

that you've been doing a great job at what you do. So

39:59

my side suggestion Science thinks they

40:01

see So my scene suggestion is civil.

40:04

A group of court gestures have been

40:06

told by a king that they must create three

40:08

hilarious skits to entertain the foreign

40:11

visitors. Sir Marvin mckugh of Room thirty

40:13

two, Alchemist

40:15

Max f All,

40:22

gather around, my gestures. We

40:25

have a very important guest coming today.

40:28

Well here then what we got today? Well,

40:30

I've promised him a three very

40:34

funny sketches, and I want

40:36

my three most valuable gestures

40:39

to complete. Sketches is

40:41

like a skit, it's but it's meticulously

40:44

written and written juggle, I

40:46

do flips. I want

40:49

you to write three sketch comedy

40:52

scenes from Marvin mckugh man.

40:58

Each one needs to be, you know, than

41:00

the previous. Save the funniest for last.

41:03

Jesus, be funny. That's

41:05

all right. A show that builds gentlemen. But I don't

41:07

know how to ride. And also,

41:09

I mean that's subjective to know what's the funniest

41:12

I see that you're having a hard time. Let

41:14

me give some inspiration, please,

41:17

I mean well four seconds into the if

41:20

you it will

41:22

cost you your heads. That for

41:24

inspiration? Good day snakes,

41:28

That is gentlemen sneaks. Okay, okay,

41:31

can we use that in the sketches?

41:34

Maybe? Yeah? Should

41:36

we all go to a corner and then start writing, Yeah,

41:39

it's come back. Let's go to corners for like two

41:41

minutes. So come back and we'll pitch our ideas. Okay

41:44

in the meantime, No,

41:47

no, not over there. What was that? What was

41:49

that about? I thought we could kiss goodbye?

41:52

I thought we could kiss goodbye. What do you mean kiss

41:54

goodbye? Kiss before we go to our corners?

41:57

I mean if we give the insiration, yes, please,

42:00

So you promise that you're gonna be really funny sketches.

42:02

Oh, there's nothing that's going to make you laugh

42:04

harder than each consecutive sketch.

42:07

They're gonna be very funny. Marvin. Look,

42:10

when I traveled in time back

42:13

to the past, you know, I bought

42:16

a magic bus for cheap from the school. We

42:18

love that you've chosen all little town,

42:21

all little Kingdom. Marvin, I know that

42:23

I kind of have a celebrity here

42:26

just because the novelty of a guy being from the

42:28

future. I'm just curious if if comedy

42:30

is the same in the Middle Ages. Oh

42:32

my guesses it is. What's funny must transcend

42:37

this. This is your betrothed.

42:39

I've wanted to I wanted to introduce

42:42

you in a more formal way. How old is

42:44

this kid? Well, this is my daughter. She's

42:47

eighteen. Really she's

42:49

nineteen. Okay,

42:52

all right that it's like middle aged. She's

42:55

on her way out. I'm sorry. We don't have a younger

42:57

daughter for you. I'm sorry. So I

43:00

know how die soon? Just

43:04

pat the back. Well,

43:08

I wouldn't kiss her on the mouth, Marvin.

43:10

Everyone who has has gotten sick. But but

43:13

Marvin, tell me more about the future.

43:16

Okay, so here's my idea. All right, okay,

43:19

so please just leave our corners alone.

43:21

Just come over to us when it's done. I'm done.

43:23

I'm ready. It just sounds like a pitch because

43:25

you've come over several times with a pitch and no work's

43:30

him out. Okay, here's the long line.

43:33

Okay, So I'm telling

43:36

you, I'm telling you. I don't just read this sketch. If

43:38

it's done, just read it, okay, um Hi,

43:42

I'm a motivational speaker and

43:45

I live in a van. What's that down

43:47

by? If the is a van? What

43:49

is this? Neverver? Now? First,

43:53

all right, I cannot

43:56

do this A half ago am out. I cannot. This

43:58

chat is killing me. But if you got an

44:00

idea there, I yes, I have a little one back done.

44:02

Now it's a little Why don't we just put him up? I'll

44:04

go first, since mine is it's

44:06

not done. Least it's not done. So

44:09

what is it? It's some guy who lives in a band

44:12

and he's a motritional

44:15

speaking Look, this is

44:17

crazy. I'm gonna sucking die. I'm wanna

44:20

die to do none of you is the funniest, be

44:22

the funniest. Oh god, I need to go back

44:24

to your corners, scribes,

44:27

scribes. I need your help. I

44:30

need your help. Oh I'm busy writing

44:32

right now exactly to describe.

44:35

I know exactly what you are. I need your fucking help.

44:37

Alright, what do you need from there? I gotta do some

44:39

fucking craziest shift for the kingdom a fucking dead.

44:42

Oh so you need a sketch risen.

44:45

Yes, familiar. I was tossing around

44:47

something fantastic. Yeah, what

44:50

if it's a jousting tournament where the knights

44:52

have confusing names, like one of them is

44:54

who? All right? One

44:56

of them is what? Who? Who? The other

44:59

is? I don't know? Wait what you

45:01

can see already that? Sorry,

45:06

it's just too confusion. I'll never left. I'm

45:08

writing it. Who did you say? Was a night? Who's

45:11

a night? Fun? That fun? That? Look?

45:13

I need help with from our sketch, A walk

45:16

on it. We just need to listen to you.

45:20

I don't know a

45:22

man a horse with a long spear. Okay,

45:25

that's what the rise came up. It was trash, It

45:28

was hoble, a

45:30

whole place up. I burned all the papers.

45:33

I left those two old pieces of ship in there to cook

45:35

a live Oh Jesus,

45:37

you mean sketch? Oh my god,

45:40

what is it? No? Say who's there? Why? See

45:42

who's there? Why? Because that's the second line

45:45

to what my sketch? Well right out?

45:47

Then how do we knock? Knock? What?

45:50

Who's there? What? And

45:55

then Alec Baldwin played him in the more recent

45:57

seasons, but Darrel Hammond actually

46:00

the better in There's

46:02

a lot to explain. What I really

46:04

like to know is more about the crops, what years?

46:07

What should we grow with the crops? Father, I

46:09

don't know who this is, Baldwin. Who is

46:11

this father? Son? Brother?

46:15

Shame? What's

46:18

your shame about that? I was

46:20

hoping i'd have another daddy.

46:25

Okay. I feel like I'm in the middle of something

46:27

here, so I like to get in the middle

46:29

of something there. Okay,

46:31

I think, and now I've picked up on whats going on. We

46:34

are trying to talk. He is a future he

46:36

is a future teller, a

46:38

fortune teller. I just live in the future.

46:41

So I just don't want to hear any more about

46:43

I like Baldwin, I need to hear

46:45

about the crops. Well, I didn't even getting started on his

46:47

brothers. Okay, go, I'm go ahead

46:49

and finish that one of them. Conservative.

46:54

Well, I've got mine written. It's on the scrulls.

46:56

Here which

46:59

part will I be? You read a merchant,

47:01

merchant, and then you read incredulous

47:04

lady, just lady, Okay, merchant.

47:07

Right you guys, good day. I

47:09

will be the main guy,

47:12

of course, and here's mine and

47:16

you're going to be playing Marcus

47:18

Philippent and you'll

47:20

be playing the Christian with the

47:22

hat. Christians the hat, not that I can

47:24

channel that. And here's my um.

47:27

When I say knock, knock, you

47:30

say who's there? And then I'll take I'll take it

47:32

from there. So okay, all right, I hope

47:34

you fool's ready. Marvin mccure

47:36

was ready for his comedy Do not ring this? Yeah,

47:39

we're good. We've got great sketches. All

47:41

right, Yes, either are really nice seats to see

47:44

any kind of show. Get your

47:46

hand off my knee. That was that was

47:48

mine? It's clearly now, well I didn't. I

47:50

thought it was mine. Do you need to sit right next to

47:52

me? What? My sister's not here yet? I don't know, it's

47:54

probably yeah,

47:56

well this is where the royalty sits. You know she's n

47:58

eighteteen, she's a mother, right, so how

48:01

old you? I'm sixteen?

48:03

Well you look good? Thank you, thank you.

48:06

You know I can hold my breath for thirty seconds. Why

48:09

don't you try it right now? Oh,

48:12

it looks like the comedy starting. Welcome,

48:17

Welcome to Castle

48:20

Live Live featuring

48:24

just just

48:27

to I guess they still

48:30

featured players. And now

48:34

here's your host, the King. All

48:40

right, we have today

48:43

a special sketch comedy. Don't

48:46

laugh yet, that's not funny. But

48:49

the band's really cracking up at nothing,

48:52

Marvin, You're about to see. They're just this

48:54

is so funny. It does transcend time

48:56

and space like yours. It's so funny. They're

48:59

laughing before they all the jokes. Sketch

49:04

number one, Hello

49:08

merchant, Hello,

49:11

this pet dragon you sell me

49:13

is dead? Dead? Is a door nail?

49:16

Well, no returns on dead

49:19

dragons? Now returns.

49:22

You told me it was alive. It was when

49:24

I sawed it. No, it was

49:26

it. God take

49:29

that chest. Wait

49:35

a second, Yes, I think they're all in each other's

49:38

sketches legs. So that's that all right.

49:40

Well, this one's going to be killed, Jester,

49:45

I can read My

49:50

mistake is king. But now you're an

49:52

actor in the following ones. I hope you're prepared.

49:54

I'm not. Don't worry. Your life

49:57

isn't on the line, but i'd like to see you

49:59

perform in Sketch number two

50:04

to laugh A road

50:06

is dad? No, I

50:08

hope that we killed the person that wrote the first

50:11

sketch. No, no, do you

50:13

wrote it? He's dead? Oh?

50:16

Well I killed two people. You

50:19

can be you can be on book. I don't mind. I'm

50:22

still slightly alive. It's what

50:28

you wanted. God damn it. Yes, I did

50:30

not want that. He did not want

50:32

that. I'm ready with the best sketch of all. Do you

50:34

need another actor? No audience

50:37

participation? All right, I'm sure the audience

50:40

will participate. Me and Marvin will

50:42

do it. Martin,

50:44

Me and Marvin will be happy to do it. We

50:50

want the sketch. Heaven want

50:52

the sketch

50:55

being funny, knock

50:58

knock, who's there?

51:01

Land shock killing?

51:06

God? No, k

51:12

oh no, Chris,

51:14

this is the end for all. Oh

51:17

my dad, Oh,

51:19

I'll never be in another sketch again.

51:22

I don't think that's possible. Let's see the school

51:27

bus, Marvin. We can save you. On

51:31

the school bus next to us, some girls

51:35

pressing the button, and

51:38

that's our show for today. Will

51:40

Marvin be okay? Oh God,

51:42

I hope not. Let's

51:46

thank our Achamus. See if you guys are up to Chris Alvarado,

51:50

Hey, thanks for having me here.

51:52

I like doing this with the people in this room

51:54

and people who weren't here. We missed them all. You

51:57

can follow me at out, Chris by

52:00

guys from

52:03

the top. I'm done. That's enough full move on. Joey

52:06

Grahare. Check out Bear

52:08

Supply every second and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock

52:11

at the West Side Comedy Theater. Also

52:13

listen to good Night the album

52:15

I'm on It, I did it. Check it on Amazon

52:19

Prime, I guess iTunes. All this stuff

52:25

at Koski on Twitter, at like at

52:27

Craigslist, Pea cast the

52:30

list podcast James.

52:33

If you go to t Springs dot

52:36

com and look for Alchemy

52:38

this, you'll find that we have not just our

52:40

logo on a shirt, but you can see the brand

52:42

new shirt with the words snoof on

52:45

it and you can have a shirt ye

52:49

made by you for you? Is that? Is

52:52

that a copy for

52:56

you? A little

52:58

different? Also shout out. We have two people

53:00

who are listening to the part fans of the podcast. Come out to

53:02

see Bear Supply. Doug Lane came

53:05

out from d C. I think I said it right

53:07

and it's not a cool, it's not a could uh

53:10

And that shout out to them. So come out you can.

53:12

You can see shows in real life and happy

53:14

people doing it. Also, if you're in the Bay Area,

53:18

Alchemy this will be making an appearance at

53:20

SF Sketches. The

53:23

line ups gonna be pretty rad this year. Tony Shalhoub

53:26

Freestyle Love Supreme, uh,

53:28

Sandra Bernhard, lots of other great stuff. But don't

53:30

you do something with the festival coal kind of

53:32

run it. Oh spar

53:35

Supply will be there too in the show.

53:38

Uh so are Craig and Carlo

53:41

will be there doing stuff and all

53:43

sorts of things. So go to SF sketches dot com checking

53:45

out a lot of your favorite Alchemists are wandering around doing

53:47

various shows over the several months

53:50

that you're running. Is eighteen

53:52

straight days January nine. Let's

53:55

thank our engineer Doug Babe, our

53:58

post sound design artists Fail Brito. We

54:02

encourage you all to write a review, tell everyone

54:04

you've ever met and write to us at your name

54:06

here at alchemy this dot com. That's

54:09

your name here at alchemy this dot com.

54:11

Until next time this