Back at Concordia University, I set some boundaries with myself and alcohol. Since I still wanted to drink all the time, I had to strategize how my ‘normal’ drinking was going to go down. Was there an event being hosted at a bar? Was there a  poetry reading, an open mic, someone in the program’s birthday? Well, yes, as it turned out! Almost every night, yes!!! If not, I knew the haunts I could reliably find other students or teachers having a drink after class. There were book launches and writers in residence events with free wine, cheese and elegance. I was having a sophisticated experience at an institution of higher learning, and alcohol was part of that recipe.

I was able to ‘keep it together’ was not because I was suddenly any less of an alcoholic. It was because I was getting some of my needs met by something that wasn’t alcohol. Drinking always rushed in to fill the gaps following a loss, or to cover up an absence. Finding a sense of belonging, having my writing acknowledged, having things I didn’t want to be drunk for, like class, and, yes, even having things I was encouraged to be drinking for, allowed me to compartmentalize. The drinking was all above board now. My greatest fantasy was to be able to maintain this balance indefinitely.

In this culture drinking was not only acceptable it was a kind of currency. In those dimly lit pubs, in the company of Real writers, professors with their names on actual, published books, the barrier between us was softened by alcohol. The more I drank, the more that line receded entirely. That the line itself was only ever a construct in the first place did not occur to me. I was fully convinced the booze itself held magical properties of status equalization. I could feel like I deserved to be in the company of the writers whose works were mounted behind a glass case in the English department. I deserved to be invited to where the higher ups did the real drinking, not to the reading that everyone knew about to but to the after party, and then the after AFTER party. It was like being inducted into a secret society.

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Here is a list of suicide crisis hotlines by country:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Here are links to support groups with an online presence that can be vital in recovery:

For a comprehensive list of 12 Step Meetings:
https://12step.org/social/online-meetings

Smart Recovery:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/community

Refuge Recovery
https://www.refugerecovery.org

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