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This column was written on July 14th, 2020.

Learn to leap, leap from ledges high and wildLearn to speak, speak with wisdom like a childDirectly to the heartCrown yourself the king of clowns or stand way back apartBut never give your love, my friendUnto a foolish heart

We've been staying home for over a hundred days. How about that? And guess what? Everything's still terrible! But hopefully, everyone's developed some habits that help keep them going. For me, I've been playing a lot of Breath Of The Wild, the Zelda game, and really just losing myself in a lot of different music.

For the first couple months of quarantine, I spent a lot of time with the Grateful Dead. I've been a Deadhead for years and spent much of my adolescence with them, both as a fan and as part of the extended Dead crew family. They've always been a safe place for me to just sink into and turn off all the bad in the world, and hoo boy, did I need it more than ever this time around. I dove deep into every nook and cranny of their catalog this time, from the nasty, explosive psychadelica of '68 through the jazzy, exploratory 70s, but ended up landing time and time again in the Spring '90 tour. I've always gravitated towards this era of the band, with no small part of the credit going to their keyboardist from 1979-1990, Brent Mydland. Often with lyricist John Perry Barlow, Brent added a level of deep pathos and personal songwriting that's a real high point for me in the Dead's massive catalog. From an unreleased demo from Built To Last:

When the police come, you better let 'em in, Gentleman, start your enginesDon't forget to tell 'em what a sport I've been, Gentleman, start your enginesI got a head full of vintage TNT, They're gonna blow me up 'stead of burying meIf you don't like trouble, better leave me beGentleman, start your enginesLike the Devil's Mustangs, I've been riding hell for leatherPut away angry, angry in the darkLet me tell you, honey,There's some mighty stormy weatherRolling 'round the caverns of my heart

As an aside, because the Dead's pretty much exclusively a live band, I'm using the last studio Dead album released in 1989, Built To Last, as an outline. All of the songs here are from the Spring '90 tour, but are still tracks from that album.

The Brent-era is often maligned by Deadheads. He was the new guy, coming off of one of the most celebrated eras of live music for the band and a lot of the studio material suffered from cheesy production and overly catchy songs. It was the 80s, after all. But for me, by the Spring of 1990, I think the band was the best they ever were and this tour was really something special. I love their whole career, but this is the top of the top for me. And Brent was, for the first time, really elevated within the band. He writes and sings four of the nine songs on Built To Last and his songs started popping up more and more throughout the set. And with that, you can feel the pain and heart in every single one of his songs that helped make this tour the best of the best. And helped make me feel a little less isolated in this dark, terrible time.

Well, there ain't nobody safer than someone who doesn't careAnd it isn't even lonely, when no one's ever thereI had a lot of dreams once, but some of them came trueThe honey's sometimes bitter when fortune falls on youAnd you know I've been a soldier in the armies of the nightAnd I'll find a fatal error in what's otherwise alrightSomething shines around you and it seems to my delight To give you just a little sweetness...Just a little lightI have always heard that virtue oughta be its own reward,But it never comes so easy when you're living by the swordIt's even harder to be heartless when you look at me that wayYou're as mighty as the flower that will grow the stones awayEven though I've been a stranger, full of irony and spiteHolding little but contempt for all things beautiful and bright,Something shines around you and it seems to my delight To give me just a little sweetness...Just a little light

A lot Brent's (And Barlow's) songs are pretty introspective and self-loathing, but Built To Last also features one of my favorite political Dead songs, "We Can Run." The Dead were very rarely political after the 60s, as Jerry Garcia was pretty adamantly against working with a system he found repulsive, but by the late 80s, Brent and Bob Weir (again, both with Barlow), penned a few more explicit stances, which sadly, don't feel all that dated.

I'm dumping my trash in your backyardMakin' certain you don't notice really isn't so hardYou're so busy with your guns and all of your excuses to use themWell it's oil for the rich and babies for the poorThey got everyone believin' that more is moreIf a reckoning comes, maybe we'll know what to do thenWe can run, but we can't hide from itOf all possible worlds, we only got one, we gotta ride on itWhatever we've done, We'll never get far from what we leave behindBaby, we can run, run, run, but we can't hideOh no, we can't hideAll these possibilities seem to leave no choiceI heard the tongues of billions speak with just one voiceSaying "Just leave all the rest to me. I need it worse than you, you see."And then I heard...The sound of one child crying.

The album's not all Brent, obviously. Jerry and Bobby still have some great songs on it that really resonated with me this time around, too. As much as I felt like the whole world was falling apart and there was no hope for any of us, Jerry (and his lyricist, Robert Hunter) explain that the only things that are Built To Last are the things that arebuilt to try. If we give up, we're definitely fucked. If we try, at least we have a shot, albeit a long one.

When I was really at my lowest, this tour helped me get lost in a better time. Like the wide open spaces of Breath Of The Wild, having a Dead show to close my eyes and go to helped ground me. The songs from Built To Last don't ignore the anxieties raging inside us all, but they embrace them and turn them into something beautiful. Tragically, this was the last full scale tour before Brent died in July that year, a heartbreaking reminder that when the show's over, and it always ends eventually, you still have to learn to better yourself and the world we all share. But until that last song ends, you can close your eyes and let the music take you home.